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moblues
01-24-2007, 12:09 PM
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DreamWorks
01-24-2007, 08:56 PM
cool. nice, a bit simplistic with some "convenient" rhymes, but I'd have to hear it with music to tell you if it works. as stand alone lyrics they are not the strongest I've seen from you

davids
01-24-2007, 09:03 PM
I like Aflat-rock on-what is the rhythm like-boom bada boom bada boom-oh hell that's the mafia song-please ignore Mike! Well-not Mike-I mean-well-where the hell's that stuff-pass me the stuff-luv-Dave

moblues
01-25-2007, 12:58 AM
cool. nice, a bit simplistic with some "convenient" rhymes, but I'd have to hear it with music to tell you if it works. as stand alone lyrics they are not the strongest I've seen from you
Yeah, I agree Guy. Just dusting off old notebooks. The song was more about the riff. I said it wasn't art. I wrote the riff while experimenting with open tunings. This was based on Beowulf, BTW.




Mike

Martin Hall-Kenny
01-25-2007, 04:08 PM
Forgive me but I'm going to ask some questions...

out of the dark
from deep in the earth
you can hear it coming
What?

igniting a spark
lighting the hearth
hear the drumming

get down
don't make a sound
don't even breathe
Why?

this isn't make believe this and the follow-up are nods to Dio. I never said it was art. ;)

get down
don't turn around
you can't leave
you can only grieve
About what?

lost in the cold
becoming the night
you keep on running
From what?

with nothing to hold
you're losing your fight
Against what?

you feel nothing
Why?

it's over

over

over
What is over?

Please believe me when I say I am not trying to critisise. I am asking because I'm interested. What were you trying to say when you wrote this? As you stand back from it, have you asked yourself the question... do I understand what I was trying to say? Will someone else listening to this understand? For me, this point is the beginning of the process. At the top of my blank canvass I write the words... Who, When, What, Where, Why and How. And that's before I actually start the lyrics. What am I trying to say? Who is this about? Is it about me or someone else? Am I writing first or third person? Am I telling a story or expressing an emotion or something else?
The process of crafting a song is not about picking your guitar up and hanging some words on the end of a riff. I'd be interested in where you take this though, if you decide to work on it.

moblues
01-25-2007, 10:57 PM
Hi Martin. Welcome aboard. As I said this was based on Beowulf. If you've read the story or even Crichton's Eaters of the Dead you'd get it. Sometimes lyrics are better where they're open-ended and vague. Sometimes not. I suppose the latter is true in this case.




Mike

Martin Hall-Kenny
01-26-2007, 02:51 PM
Now you've mentioned Beowolf, it makes a little more sense to me. Please. I am not meaning to be other than helpful. Until you mentioned the source, the lyric meant nothing/didn't connect and I suspect you will find the same problem with any wider audience. Unlike poems or even a novel, you get VERY little time in a song to actually make the point. This point can be vague and lead you to other areas but you should at least have an identifiable direction you can travel in. I had no idea of what the song was about until you mentioned Beowolf and, though it didn't switch a light bulb on in my head, it gave me something to hang on to...
On a more positive note, the is a lot of imagery in this that is quite powerful.
On a less positive note, don't rely on your audience being inteligent.
Is it recorded and is there a link I can listen to?

moblues
01-26-2007, 10:16 PM
On a less positive note, don't rely on your audience being inteligent.
Is it recorded and is there a link I can listen to?
I always assume that my audience is intelligent. You can't write down to anyone. Ever.

No, I never recorded this and won't be able to until my hand is fully healed. This also means a lot of woodshedding to get back up to speed.

Forget this piece. I posted it on a whim. Check out my other stuff. Thanks for the read.




Mike

Martin Hall-Kenny
01-27-2007, 03:43 PM
I wasn't really suggesting any kind of dumbing down. Only that I had little idea of what the subject was until you told me... so I was more saying about my own intelligence!
Check out where? I'm interested.

moblues
01-28-2007, 01:16 AM
You'll find my work in Poetry Critique and here in Songwriting. Just click on my user name in the post above. A pop-up will appear. Click on View Public Profile--and then on Find all threads started by moblues.

I appreciate your interest. I posted these lyrics because it was one of the few metal pieces I ever wrote. I wrote mostly hard rock, blues, jazz, and a few country lyrics because the medium was best suited.

I now focus on the written word, and not so much on music. This will change a bit when I can play again. What draws me to the piece is that these were the first lyrics I wrote after I started my first MS. It was horrible, but served its purpose.




Mike

mooncars
01-28-2007, 03:15 AM
Songs are not literary works per se. They pose questions and allow the listener to answer them. The audience is supposed to be written into the loop where they have to make decisions. Having said that, I think these lyrics stand alone just fine.

Rock on,
Rick

moblues
01-28-2007, 05:27 AM
Songs are not literary works per se. They pose questions and allow the listener to answer them. The audience is supposed to be written into the loop where they have to make decisions. Having said that, I think these lyrics stand alone just fine.

Rock on,
Rick
Thanks, Rick. I never said that I meant this to be a literary work. I thought it stood alone as well.

I disagree about lyrics not being literary works. Most times they are not. Check out Peter Sinfield's work with King Crimson. There are others, but his work is profound. Check out Epitaph.




Mike

mooncars
01-28-2007, 09:47 AM
Thanks, Rick. I never said that I meant this to be a literary work. I thought it stood alone as well.

I disagree about lyrics not being literary works. Most times they are not. Check out Peter Sinfield's work with King Crimson. There are others, but his work is profound. Check out Epitaph.




Mike

Per se was the operative word. I'm well acquainted with Pete's work. He's a rarity. To me, either a song works or it doesn't. Big Butts works. Not even close to literary genius, but it's the perfect vehicle for that emotion. The list is endless. One could delve into Genesis' back catalog for decades and find more depth than is first realized. Even some of their lighter, poppier fare is riddled with puns, riddles and puzzles. That's the way I write my songs. I have the obvious story, yet every word and line is carefuly placed to tell the deeper story if anyone wants to decode it.

Once again, good job and hope to read more from you.Can you post a sound recording of this song somewhere?

moblues
01-28-2007, 10:14 AM
Rick, as I have stated before, I don't have a recording of this. Until I can play again, I'll just annoy eneryone in the poetry boards and not be a pest here.

Thanks for responding.




Mike

mooncars
01-28-2007, 11:47 AM
Pest? You gotta be kidding. It's great to read what you post. Don't go away.