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View Full Version : An inspiring children's song - please critique!



DreamWorks
01-18-2007, 05:41 AM
If I donít listen then I wonít glisten
That is what my mama said
But if I listen to the wrong people
Iíll get clogged up in my head

What I must learn, is to discern
Between good and not good advice
People mean well but I canít always tell
Just because a personís nice

CHORUS
No matter who you are
If youíre poor or youíre a star
I will always hear you out
But Iíll leave some room for doubt

How can I tell, if itís good, well,
Good advice is never precise;
Itís a bit like jello, gotta let it mellow
And itís right if it tastes nice

CHORUS
No matter who you are
If youíre poor or youíre a star
I will always hear you out
But Iíll leave some room for doubt

Can you always know, what is bad? No,
It takes a little bit of thought
Just like trying bread; if it tastes like lead
You should return it where it was bought

***

does this need to be longer?

moblues
01-18-2007, 07:20 AM
No offense, Guy, but this is not a children's song. The words are sophisticated, and the dynamics are too involved for children.

Haven't seen ya for a few days. Welcome back. I haven't been around as much, either.




Mike

DreamWorks
01-18-2007, 10:03 AM
great! i am happy to hear this - so, is it good or is it silly?

truelyana
01-18-2007, 11:29 AM
Nice lyrics but, perhaps not quite aimed at little people Guy?

DreamWorks
01-18-2007, 12:05 PM
Actually, I don't see why not. Certainly aimed for everyone, but doesn't it have a distinct "educational" tone about it?

mooncars
01-18-2007, 09:47 PM
Actually, I don't see why not. Certainly aimed for everyone, but doesn't it have a distinct "educational" tone about it?

I was fine until you said 'educational'. We don't need no education. Everybody knows writing is so easy anyone can do it. :roll:

Food good,
fire hot,
must drag woman by hair,
Rick the Cromagnon Man

K1P1
01-18-2007, 10:04 PM
What about it isn't for children? It sounds fine to me. Or are you guys defining "children" as under 4 years old? I can say that my kids would have been fine with it. The songs they hated were the ones that talked down to them--showed lack of respect for their comprehension and vocabulary.

I'm not sure I'd call it "educational;" It's definitely on the verge of being didactic, and it certainly has a moral.

DreamWorks
01-19-2007, 12:11 AM
I wish someone would tell me whether or not they like it and if I should continue expanding and improving it or if it is fine the way it is.

and K1P1, thank you very much. Children are not idiots and shouldn't be treated as such :)

K1P1
01-19-2007, 01:28 AM
OK, here goes.

I like it. [There - does that satisfy you? :D]

There are a couple of places that pull me up, that seem a bit awkward, though. In the second verse, second line, "Between good and not good advice" doesn't seem to scan right. I have a rhythm in my head established by the first verse, and this just doesn't fit it. Alternatives might be:

Between good and not so good advice
Between good and bad advice

In the chorus, "If you’re poor or you’re a star" is a bit too cliche' for my taste. If you could come up with something more surprising, it would be better.

Fourth verse, punctuation could be improved, like this:
How can I tell, if it’s good? Well,

Last verse, one line leaves me unenthusiastic:
Just like trying bread; if it tastes like lead

How would they know what lead tastes like? I don't. It's pretty obvious that lead is just here to rhyme with bread. You might want to try to improve this line. For example, "if it tastes like something dead," might get their attention, especially if it's at the end of the song like this.

I don't think it's too long.

What kind of music?

DreamWorks
01-19-2007, 03:06 AM
it's kind of like Sondheim's "children will listen" except more melodic, upbeat, rhythmical. on 2nd thought, it is nothing like that song i just mentioned! Oh, its kind of like - Cook with Honey, Judy Collins
It's definitely a catchy tune, and one that would be challenging for children to sing, also it would suit children's voices.
Maybe I will tape it soon.

I will take all your corrections Maggie - you were spot on. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much :)

moblues
01-19-2007, 03:34 AM
Oh, I did like it, Guy. Glisten and discern are the only words that jumped out at me and gave me pause. What age bracket are you aiming for?

I know that children are more sophisticated than when I grew up (internet, etc.). I wouldn't have recognized these words until I was at least twelve. I didn't mean to underestimate today's youth.

This is awkward:

Just like trying bread; if it tastes like lead
You should return it where it was bought

Maybe it's just me. Probably is. ;)

Take care.




Mike

truelyana
01-19-2007, 03:35 AM
It is a lovely song, and yes little people are very smart :)

I suppose, i was trying to look at it from a writers perspective.

K1P1
01-19-2007, 06:14 AM
Glisten shouldn't be a problem, I would think. They might not know the meaning of discern, but I think it's obvious from the context,and it'll improve the little buggers' vocabulary. :D

DreamWorks
01-19-2007, 11:54 AM
Updated, taking valid corrections (no punctuation yet, sorry - laziness)

If I don’t listen then I won’t glisten
That is what my mama said
But if I listen to the wrong people
I’ll get clogged up in my head

What I must learn, is to discern
Between good and not good advice
People mean well but I can’t always tell
Just because a person’s nice

[CHO] I’ll always hear them out
Get to know what they’re about
But I’ll leave some room for doubt
Before I let it in or out

How can I tell, if it’s good? well,
Good advice is never precise;
It’s a lot like jello, gotta let it mellow
And it’s right if it tastes nice

[CHO] So I’ll lend my ear to you
And I’ll wait until you’re through
I might learn something new
But I’ll think, before I do

Gotta let it in, before I find out
What good advice is really about
It’s a lot like jello, gotta let it mellow
Let it set till there’s no doubt

At the end of the day I will do it my way
But I shall not follow blind,
Cause I may glisten, if I try to listen,
And not forget my heart and mind.

Martin Hall-Kenny
01-22-2007, 06:02 PM
I KNOW I'm a noob!
I LIKE it. It borders on rap but without hearing it, I can only go by the inherant rhythm. If it is rapesque, then it needs to be longer and drive to a point. Difficult to judge because of the lack of music. Do you have a link?