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View Full Version : What I've Learned From Jack Bauer



ChaosTitan
01-17-2007, 08:46 AM
In honor of the start of "24's" sixth season (and whoa, buddy, what a way to start!). Found this post via the MSN homepage.

http://men.msn.com/articlees.aspx?cp-documentid=1628457&GT1=8991

I particularly like:



If you don't have a Taser gun, the wires from a lamp will deliver the current needed to shock your subject just enough to get him to give up the information you need without doing any permanent damage.

And



If you see me running down the street, it's probably a good idea to take cover.

tourdeforce
01-17-2007, 09:13 AM
Some people don't deserve to die, but that's not my call.

We can all relate to this one, right?

PeeDee
01-17-2007, 10:05 AM
I still maintain that what 24 needs is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris would improve everything.

dclary
01-17-2007, 10:12 AM
Wouldn't that be so awesome.

"Jack, one of the nukes is in Dallas. Your contact will meet you at the airfield."

"Agent Bauer? I'm Walker."

PeeDee
01-17-2007, 10:15 AM
"Quickly, we need to torture this man for information."

"Informant? I'm Chuck Norris."

"I'll talk! I'll talk! Don't unleash on me!"

tourdeforce
01-17-2007, 10:42 AM
"Chloe, I need a medi-vac chopper at my location immediately!"

"Oh, my god, Jack, what happened?"

"Walker stood up off the toilet too fast and broke his hip. We need medical now!"

BiggerBoat
01-17-2007, 11:44 AM
I bought my wife a Jack Bauer messenger bag for her schoolbooks.

I told her she needs to go running across the campus with a crazed look in her eyes. People will be diving for cover.

Foinah
01-17-2007, 12:32 PM
24, 24, 24!!!! Bauer is the MAN! Who else can get tortured, kick heroin, get tortured again, get shot, get beat up, get a needle jammed into his heart, get tortured and then miraculously get better and save the day all in one twenty-four hour period?

JACK BAUER!!! THAT'S WHO!

It makes me all tingly for covert ops and the nasty brutish ways of their pretend little world.
Just found out that both Cheney and Bush are big fans of the show. Hmmm...don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing ;)

Chuck Norris, yeah - that would be kind of cool. Only if he was more Lone Wolf McQuade than Walker. Oooh, or The Hero and the Terror. That's a good one.

PeeDee
01-17-2007, 06:44 PM
24, 24, 24!!!! Bauer is the MAN! Who else can get tortured, kick heroin, get tortured again, get shot, get beat up, get a needle jammed into his heart, get tortured and then miraculously get better and save the day all in one twenty-four hour period?

THis is how it would otherwise go.

CHUCK NORRIS: Are you the terrorist?

TERRORIST: I might be.

CHUCK NORRIS kicks terrorist in the face. Also, he kicks the terrorists' helpers in the face.

CHUCK NORRIS: ANyone else?

Jaycinth
01-17-2007, 07:02 PM
I love '24'. Woe betide the person who interrupts me when it is on.

I think the 'Jack Bauer ' character is the most awesome action hero in a long time. The fact that he is growing into more of a reluctant anti-hero is just icing on the cake.

I think Keifer Sutherland is hot. I mean totally hot. I could fantasize about him all day. (Yeah, his dad, Donald is kinda..WAS kinda hot too...but in a perverse way..you know?)

But Keifer... woah..I mean just woah...(Huh? Johnny Depp?..who is this Johnny Depp...a hairstylist????)

But I noticed that NBC has chosen to put 'Heros' against '24'. That P.O.'s me.
(Jack Bauer is so going to defenstrate NBC for that....)


:e2heartbe Hey...Keifer........!!!!

Jcomp
01-17-2007, 07:03 PM
I actually think Jack Bauer could use the assistance of Batman moreso than Walker. But that's just me...

MidnightMuse
01-17-2007, 07:49 PM
I think Jack needs a new watch. It's way past 24 now, isn't it more like 72 ?

(confession: I refuse to watch it myself - blech)

maestrowork
01-17-2007, 07:52 PM
Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and MacGyver were at a bar....

clockwork
01-17-2007, 07:57 PM
Proof that Jack Bauer does eat during those 24 hours--

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4082tsWnB6g

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BXQ7QZyy18

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KnPukeE9bQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqbAS8k5UKk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_swFUVeVKo

maestrowork
01-17-2007, 08:02 PM
But when does he go to the bathroom?!

PeeDee
01-17-2007, 08:02 PM
Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and MacGyver were at a bar....

.....and it blew up, because of the Nazi Ninjas.

I mean, what other possible answer is there to that?

Shadow_Ferret
01-17-2007, 08:04 PM
What's a Jack Bauer?

clockwork
01-17-2007, 08:05 PM
But when does he go to the bathroom?!

Well, you know those really intense close-ups that happen right before a scene change? That same look people get when they're being naughty in a swimming pool?

Ew.. I just grossed myself out. Sorry, Jack.

He's man enough to hold it for twenty four hours.

PeeDee
01-17-2007, 08:06 PM
What's a Jack Bauer?

It's a type of headache relief medicine.

Shadow_Ferret
01-17-2007, 08:11 PM
Why does it give me a headache then?

Jaycinth
01-17-2007, 08:16 PM
It's a type of headache relief medicine.

...for women. Oh yes...I'd NEVER have a headache around Jack Bauer!


Why does it give me a headache then?

You're not looking at him the way I'm looking at him.

PeeDee
01-17-2007, 08:16 PM
For which I'm profoundly grateful. :D

Kate Thornton
01-17-2007, 08:33 PM
Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, and MacGyver were at a bar....

Jack Bauer was taking a call from the President, MacGyver was picking up a coaster, some pennies from the dish, two peanuts and a rubber band, and Chuck Norris was drinking napalm for his heartburn, when a wild-eyed kid with a Saturday night special ran in and demanded the money from the till.

The bartender reached over and slapped the gun out of his hand. "Get real, kid. Do you know who's sitting here?"

The kid shook his head.

"A nutter, A klepto, and an old Army buddy of mine. Have some respect."

TwentyFour
01-17-2007, 10:39 PM
Jack: Southernwriter, I've been waiting all my life for a woman like you! I want you now!

Southerwriter: Hummana hummana hummana...uh ok? I'll just call my boyfriend to let him know I'll be late tonight. ;)



Anyone who knows me, knows I've been a Kiefer fan since I was a child!

Jaycinth
01-17-2007, 10:42 PM
Jack: Southernwriter, I've been waiting all my life for a woman like you! I want you now!

Southerwriter: Hummana hummana hummana...uh ok? I'll just call my boyfriend to let him know I'll be late tonight. ;)



Anyone who knows me, knows I've been a Kiefer fan since I was a child!


PFFFFTTT! He likes me better than you.:tongue

PeeDee
01-17-2007, 10:50 PM
DONALD Sutherland, on the other hand, looks like he lives in a mountain cave between roles.

Bravo
01-17-2007, 10:55 PM
dammit!

Jaycinth
01-17-2007, 10:56 PM
DONALD Sutherland, on the other hand, looks like he lives in a mountain cave between roles.

That's sexy too...especially if he is in that weird Nazi uniform. Wouldn't you want to be alone with Donald Sutherland in a remote cave while he's wearing that weird uniform. Just think about it. Well wouldn't you?

PeeDee
01-17-2007, 10:56 PM
That's sexy too...especially if he is in that weird Nazi uniform. Wouldn't you want to be alone with Donald Sutherland in a remote cave while he's wearing that weird uniform. Just think about it. Well wouldn't you?

No.

He's been in too many horror movies.

He would eat me.

Foinah
01-17-2007, 11:04 PM
That's sexy too...especially if he is in that weird Nazi uniform. Wouldn't you want to be alone with Donald Sutherland in a remote cave while he's wearing that weird uniform. Just think about it. Well wouldn't you?
uh, no.

Tiger
01-17-2007, 11:09 PM
Hate that show: that guy, Bauer, stole all my moves!

My-Immortal
01-17-2007, 11:26 PM
That despite how badly each hour of your life might be...the crappiest, toughest, hardest minutes are the ones right before the end of each hour...

:)

Christine N.
01-17-2007, 11:31 PM
Ok, last weekend I was at a party and talking with this girl. I said how I think Kiefer is h-o-t HOT, baby.

She said to me (and I SWEAR to the Goddess I am NOT making this up)...

No way. You know who's hotter?


ORLANDO BLOOM.

Yes, yes, I swear it. I almost fell off my chair.

Jaycinth
01-18-2007, 12:56 AM
Pfffft!!!
Keifer Sutherland could cut up Orlando (sorry Dawno..but he COULD) Bloom with a nail file and feed him to Donald Sutherland without yawning once!

Alternately...Jack Bauer could carve up Legolas and serve him up to (the Nazi as portrayed by Donald Sutherland in 'Apt Pupil')

Jaycinth
01-18-2007, 12:59 AM
No.

He's been in too many horror movies.

He would eat me.

Better Donald Sutherland than, oh, let's say...... Sir Anthony Hopkins...sweetcheeks.
(And if they aren't, sit in a bathtub full of warm sweet red wine for a couple of hours...Donald would appreciate that.)

Kate Thornton
01-18-2007, 01:25 AM
Now I know where you get all that sweet red butt wine...

Jaycinth
01-18-2007, 01:29 AM
I do believe that if you marinate Pee Dee in the correct vintage long enough you'll get all kinds of interesting.....

No. I'm not going to cross that line today.

Kate Thornton
01-18-2007, 01:50 AM
Marinate him in a butt of malmsey!

SC Harrison
01-18-2007, 02:45 AM
I particularly like:

If you don't have a Taser gun, the wires from a lamp will deliver the current needed to shock your subject just enough to get him to give up the information you need without doing any permanent damage.




Not that I'm afraid you (or someone else here) would actually try this :0, but that lamp is a quantum leap more dangerous than a taser. Even a few seconds of unbroken contact can stop the heart and lightly saute' the brain.

If it's the only way you can get your information, just make sure you only make brief contact, and move it around a little to fresh locations where the nerves haven't been overstimulated.

That is all.

Arisson
01-18-2007, 03:14 AM
all i learned is that everything blows up. desserts blow up, people blow up, vampires blow up.....wait...i learned that from The Lost Boys.....

Foinah
01-18-2007, 03:38 AM
Pfffft!!!
Alternately...Jack Bauer could carve up Legolas and serve him up to (the Nazi as portrayed by Donald Sutherland in 'Apt Pupil')
I don't remember him in that movie...Ian McKellan was the nazi in that one and, yes, Mr. Jack would definitely wipe the floor with his old bum!

Are you maybe thinking The Eye of the Needle?

PeeDee
01-18-2007, 03:38 AM
I do believe that if you marinate Pee Dee in the correct vintage long enough you'll get all kinds of interesting.....

No. I'm not going to cross that line today.

It's like, the moment I go offline, a little switch flicks in all your heads that go "Ah! Time to use Pete in a strange and bewildering joke with potentially WEIRD annotations. Let's marinate him!"

*sigh*

It's not healthy, all right. Hmph.

TwentyFour
01-18-2007, 03:39 AM
Kiefer is hot! His sexiest role ever was in "The Vanishing"! OMG! I was panting over his sad, sullen looks and that trashy redhead irked me. He had all the right in the world to keep looking for Sandra Bullock!

dclary
01-18-2007, 03:58 AM
True story:

The eve before my 23rd birthday, I got a "call" from one "Julia Roberts" who offered to come over to my house and service me for my birthday.

It was a joke played by my office-workers, and one I appreciated greatly, but I gently let Julia down and said I already had plans with my parents, which I did. Doh.

Anyhoo, she feigned disappointment and heartbreak...

and the very next day, the entertainment media was all abuzz with the fact that she had just dumped Kiefer.

So, Kiefer... I'm sorry I stole Julia from you, bud.

maestrowork
01-18-2007, 04:01 AM
The thing I learn from Jack Bauer is it's the heck better being a fictional hero in fictional crises than being a real-life hero in real-life crises: You get to be on the cover of every magazine and go to the Golden Globes.

dclary
01-18-2007, 04:02 AM
Correct. In real life, real life heros in crisis situations go to federal prison.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,244193,00.html

ChaosTitan
01-18-2007, 05:58 AM
Not that I'm afraid you (or someone else here) would actually try this :0,

:e2brows:

Serenity
01-18-2007, 04:52 PM
DON'T give her any ideas!! :eek:

*goes to unplug and hide all the lamps in the apartment...

Jaycinth
01-18-2007, 06:15 PM
I don't remember him in that movie...Ian McKellan was the nazi in that one and, yes, Mr. Jack would definitely wipe the floor with his old bum!

Are you maybe thinking The Eye of the Needle?

Yes, of course. You are right. Duhhhh. (At least I did not try to claim he was in "Blazing Saddles".


Not that I'm afraid you (or someone else here) would actually try this :0, but that lamp is a quantum leap more dangerous than a taser. Even a few seconds of unbroken contact can stop the heart and lightly saute' the brain.

If it's the only way you can get your information, just make sure you only make brief contact, and move it around a little to fresh locations where the nerves haven't been overstimulated.

That is all.

I understand that it is better to use a disposable flash camera. The battery gives just the correct jolt to make your....subject...become free with bladder functions.


It's like, the moment I go offline, a little switch flicks in all
your heads that go "Ah! Time to use Pete in a strange and bewildering joke with potentially WEIRD annotations. Let's marinate him!"

*sigh*

It's not healthy, all right. Hmph.

Oh boy! Someone seems a little bitter. Back into the marinade with you, PeeDee!!

SC Harrison
01-18-2007, 07:24 PM
DON'T give her any ideas!! :eek:

*goes to unplug and hide all the lamps in the apartment...

Sometimes you have to sacrifice for your art, baby. ;)

With pain comes enlightenment, allowing the words to break free from their restraints.

Unless, of course, Kelly just wants to find where you've hidden the chocolate. In that case, you have a decision to make. :)

PeeDee
01-18-2007, 07:28 PM
I understand that it is better to use a disposable flash camera. The battery gives just the correct jolt to make your....subject...become free with bladder functions

God, those hurt. I used to zap myself every now and then trying to get them open, at an old job. Nothing like draining three-fourths of a battery into your damn finger....

Jaycinth
01-18-2007, 09:06 PM
God, those hurt. I used to zap myself every now and then trying to get them open, at an old job. Nothing like draining three-fourths of a battery into your damn finger....

Damn, P. ...now you're turning me on.
Where's the cellophane tape?

PeeDee
01-18-2007, 09:56 PM
........Right. Gotta catch a plane. To. Somewhere! Bye!

*screee-am!*

Jaycinth
01-18-2007, 11:51 PM
..so PeeDee is afraid of a little bit of cellophane tape? How did he make it through highschool?..

ON another note...the actress who plays 'Chloe' (I can't remember her name)
She is so good as that character. I thought she was going to bite it in the first season, mainly because I'd just seen her in...um...I think it was 'Dude, Where's My Car?", and she didn't seem like a good fit for an action drama. But her character has grown with each season, so where she used to be a mouse...shes turning out to be almost as bad-assed as Jack.

If my book is ever made into a movie I want her as one of the main female leads. (I have one picked out. I want her to be 'Pauline')

Christine N.
01-19-2007, 12:16 AM
She was also on "Veronica's Closet", remember? She was the gay secretary's 'fiance', I think it was? The secretary was, IIRC, Wallace Langham, who's now on CSI as Hodges.

I can't believe I remember all that. I'm really good at that Kevin Bacon game.

Oh, and she really came out in that episode two seasons ago when she pulled out the shotgun and blew that guy away. I forget now... damn, I need to get the old seasons on DVD, because so much happens in each season I forget what happened when. Remember Jack's wife?

ChaosTitan
01-19-2007, 01:11 AM
Unless, of course, Kelly just wants to find where you've hidden the chocolate. In that case, you have a decision to make. :)

Actually, I'm the one who hides the chocolate.... :e2cry:

SC Harrison
01-19-2007, 03:50 AM
Actually, I'm the one who hides the chocolate.... :e2cry:

Dunt dunt duuunnn.

Crap. That was supposed to be theme music, but it didn't quite translate.

How about this:

"Where's the charklit?"

"I don't..."

zzzzt

"Ow! Okay, it's in the..."

zzzzt

"Flow! Flour canister, okay?"

zzzzt zzzzt zzzzzzt

ChaosTitan
01-19-2007, 04:05 AM
:roll:

Serenity
01-19-2007, 04:34 AM
:Trophy:

Arisson
01-19-2007, 04:42 AM
In 24 hours, I can barely read 2 words.