Dilemma

Be honest with him. Say "Hey friend, I'd bid on eBay if you'd pay me the money you borrowed for your phone bill."

Friends don't lend money to friends. Give is more like it.

dont mention it.

money is a touchy issue, and this is better left dropped than harping on.

it's not that much, just let it go.

SpookyWriter said:

Be honest with him. Say "Hey friend, I'd bid on eBay if you'd pay me the money you borrowed for your phone bill."

Friends don't lend money to friends. Give is more like it.

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those two statements seem contradictory.

Bravo said:

those two statements seem contradictory.

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True, and that's the nature of lending a hand with someone is in need.

I never lend large sum of money to friends -- my parents had taught me that money breaks up friendship. It happened to them. When I give money to my friends, I don't expect to see it again.

A friend of mine lent a friend $5000, about 10 years ago. He still hasn't gotten it back and has considered it "a gift" now. Strangely, they're still friends.

yeah i guess it does depend on your personality.

if you cant let it go, then mention it right away, before it festers.

i personally just let certain things slide.

Tough issue. I'd probably let it slide, if the friendship is deep enough to withstand it. In your friend's defense, if he's got his PayPal account hooked to his credit card, he might not have had to shell out cash for the item. I know when I was young and stupid I kept a running balance on my credit cards, and just paid the minimum every month.

How close is he?

Perhaps you could say to him that you have something brewing in your mind and you'd like to put it to rest. He just may have a simple explanation for it and you'll feel better and clear up the now question mark that floats behind your head when it comes to trusting your friend.

Sometime people suck, sometimes we just misunderstand them.

Last time I lent something to friends (not money, a double pedal for the drums) was about two months ago and they haven't given it back. If I don't see my double pedal within two weeks, someone's going to get seriously hurt, friend or no friend.

maestrowork said:

I never lend large sum of money to friends -- my parents had taught me that money breaks up friendship. It happened to them. When I give money to my friends, I don't expect to see it again.

A friend of mine lent a friend $5000, about 10 years ago. He still hasn't gotten it back and has considered it "a gift" now. Strangely, they're still friends.

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I have a friend in London who lent me about 400 quid once to help me get back to Holland and some spending money for food. I was stranded in London with no money or prospect for work (and the council declined my benefits) so his offer to help was greatly appreciated.

I still owe him the money, but keep reminding him to ask me when he needs it. See, we both kind of figure that someday he'll need a little financial help and I'll be there for him. I probably should send him the money soon; it's just funny how this loan keeps us bonded by a time a few years ago when a friend helped another.

Does that make sense?

SpookyWriter said:

I still owe him the money, but keep reminding him to ask me when he needs it.

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Um, Spooky. What you're doing is placing the burden of getting the money back on his shoulders. He shouldn't have to "need it" to get it back, and you waiting for him to need it is tantamount to you being a "steward" of his money, as if he's not responsible enough to plan for future needs.

This is between you two, but unless he has expressly told you to "hold on to it" for him, he may just think you can't afford to pay him back yet, but he doesn't want you to feel bad.

Jon, I agree with SC. You should at least offer to pay him back. If he declines, then it's his decision, but I don't think you should assume anything unless you have a clear understanding.

tourdeforce said:

A week ago, a friend borrowed some money from me to pay off his phone bill so they wouldn't shut it off.

It wasn't that much and, knowing him, I don't expect to get it back.

But he just mentioned something that he picked up on eBay... and I just have to wonder how he was bidding on something while he was telling me he had no money.

I want to say something but don't know if I should or even what to say if I do.

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I wouldn't say anything since you already didn't expect to get it back.

I've lent money to friends and I've been lent money by friends.

When they lend to me, they always say "I'll never see this again, huh?"

And I say, "You might as well get on the roof and throw it into the wind."

And they say "Jeez."

And I say "I'll pay ya back!! Maybe not for twenty years, but one day I will pay you back."

And they say "Alright, I'll send the check."

I have good friends.

Ray, SC;

What you both said makes sense. I did ask him a while back and he said hold off, but that could mean he wasn't going to specifically ask. Now that I think about it, I will send him the money. I will also re-affirm my gratitude and willingness to help if he ever needs it.

Thanks for the insights.

Jon

ETA: Weird how this thread made me think about my obligations. I went back to his original email and then remembered so many good times we had whilst I was living in the UK. I never asked for the money, but always considered it a loan. Here's what he wrote me:

---

Jon,

Ok. I went to the rip-off center and sent £330 pounds.. by todays exchange rate it should have been $535.00 but Western Union have their own exchange rate that ensures they take even more money off of you. Hence the paltry total. This is why I will endeavour never to use Western Union again in my life except in the case of an extreme emergency. but enough with my gripes.

The only requirement I make on this money is that you don't use it to buy beer. I think you should put it in the bank, to try and slow down the spend rate.

but anyway.

Good luck and I hope this buys you enough time to get yourself sorted out.

No secret question. You'll need identification. I assumed you had your passport.

Rob

My ex-roommate used to always use me as his own personal credit line. I'd always pay the rent in full, then because he knew I was pretty easy going about collecting from him, he would buy a bunch of crap and pay me in the middle of the month. I became his fricken credit card. (His others were maxed out.)

That went on till he built up about a thousand bucks worth of debt. One day he brought home a new video card for his computer and proclaimed while he was taking it out of the box, he'd be late with the rent. At that point I lost it and damned near beat the piss out of him.

If its a phone bill, I'd let it slide. Just get it back from him in a favor somehow. "Remember how I paid your phone bill and you never paid me back? Well, help me shovel this goddammed dirt and we'll call it even." That's how you get back monetary debt from friends.

kuatolives said:

At that point I lost it and damned near beat the piss out of him.

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One night when I was in the Army I had CQ (Charge of Quarters) duty in the barracks, and this PFC crawled into my office at 02:00 hrs., bleeding profusely from the head and dragging a broken arm along. I said, "What the hell happened to you?", but I was thinking, that's just f**king great, now I have to deal with this. (at least I'm being honest ).

So the guy tells me he was thrown down the stairwell (concrete and metal), and could I please call him an ambulance. And no, I didn't say, "You're an ambulance.", but that would have been funny. After calling for medical assistance, I decided to follow my unwritten orders and call the commanding officer at home to let him know. When I told him who the guy was, he told me not to report it to the MPs, because he already knew the who and why of the crime, and he wanted to keep it quiet.

Apparently, the victim owed quite a bit of money to a few of his fellow soldiers that he had no intention of paying back, and he was due to transfer out the next day. The guys had complained to the CO but there was nothing he could do about it—he couldn't garnish the guys paycheck to recover a personal loan, and he couldn't charge the guy with anything, etc. I wasn't really happy with this, but I decided to leave it alone. I did tell the Captain:

"If you want me to leave it alone, I will sir, but you owe me a favor."

*sigh* "What do you want?"

"The next time you think someone might get tossed down the damn stairwell, please make sure I'm not on duty that night."

"You got it, Sarge."

I'm guessing Army, right?

I have a guideline I follow when loaning money. If it's to a friend, I'll loan any amount I can afford to not get back. If I get paid back, great! (Which, for me, is fortunately usually the case.) If I don't get it back, I remember the incident so as to not go down that road even deeper, but outside of that, it doesn't really bother me. A friend is more important than a few bucks.

I don't ever loan more than I can afford to not get back, and I never loan to anyone, who is not a friend or family, without documentation.

I say that you ask to "borrow" the same amount back for a bill of your own. See what this person does....

I always pay money back. It may take me a bit of time, but I pay it back in dribs and drabs until it's not over my head anymore.
I've loaned money before...It was stated as a loan, and never gotten it back. I'm not friends with that woman anymore - she felt entitled to whatever I loaned her and it became tiresome. Oh well.

Just tell Opty to give you your money back and be done with it.

Some months ago, my friends went out to Six Flags, but I couldn't afford the 300 peso entry fee, so I didn't go. A friend insisted that he could loan me the money even if I'd never pay it back, but 300 pesos is just too much. I'm not muck of an asker.

CurtisCandy said:

I have a guideline I follow when loaning money. If it's to a friend, I'll loan any amount I can afford to not get back.

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That's about the same as my rule. But here's a story:

About 10 years ago, I lent a friend about $200 to pay his electric bill. I had it and wasn't going to miss it. He needed it. That was good enough for me.

A few months ago, as my ex and I were in the process of moving apart, I found myself in need of some money (I can't remember what for, but it was important). I gave him a call and I got exactly the same treatment I had given him ten years earlier.

Lending money doesn't have to ruin a friendship, but you'd better know beforehand whether you're the kind of person who can let it go or not.

I would never ask a friend to loan me money, unless it was for like an hour or two (or a day at most). You know: "Hey, I've only got ten bucks and I need to get one of those twenty dollar jobs. Loan me ten and I'll pay you back when we get home or go to a cash machine on the way."

If I spring for something that wasn't requested, I always treat it as a gift and never expect repayment.

FWIW.