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View Full Version : How, or when, do you know/decide this is the right person for you?



SpiderGal
01-09-2007, 10:38 PM
You get interested in a guy/gal, ask them out and go on a few dates. You have a good time, and think you like this person. How do you know, or decide, that this is the right person for you? Is it mere a gut feeling? Or you carefully evaluate him/her and your experience with them before committing yourself? Do you take into account factors like personality, character etc?

I am thinking of pitching this to a teen mag, might need to quote some of you but generally looking for opinions so that I can take everything into perspective while crafting the piece.

Your insights, observations are welcome.

Thanks so much!:D

Edit :

While I was chewing over this today, some more questions surfaced. I want to know more on how people feel about personality differences in the "matters of the heart" (LOL).

I read in a book Personality Plus ( by Florence Litthauer), that people with opposite, or considerably different personalities (shy-outgoing, ambitious-low profile) make great couples. Now, I know that's not the final word written about it, and lots of discrepancies occur. So, what's your take on it?

I tend to think, being an outgoing-ambitious person, that I am more inclined towards falling for folks who are like a bit shy, serious etc etc.


And does having similar interests help?

:)

jennifer75
01-09-2007, 10:44 PM
You get interested in a guy/gal, ask them out and go on a few dates. You have a good time, and think you like this person. How do you know, or decide, that this is the right person for you? Is it mere a gut feeling? Or you carefully evaluate him/her and your experience with them before committing yourself? Do you take into account factors like personality, character etc?

I am thinking of pitching this to a teen mag, might need to quote some of you but generally looking for opinions so that I can take everything into perspective while crafting the piece.

Your insights, observations are welcome.

Thanks so much!:D


I think you go out with this new person so many times (wether it be 3 or 13) and you just realize one day that you've developed feelings along the way while trying to decide if you liked their qualities or not. It just happens. Then later down the road you realize they might not have aced the interveiw, but you've had a damn good time.

SpiderGal
01-09-2007, 10:47 PM
Jennifer,

Thanks, but people feel that for so many people in a lifetime. I mean, doesn't the increasing no. of divorces show that people don't actually take the right decisions when it comes to choosing life partners/ long -term love partners?

SpiderGal
01-09-2007, 10:49 PM
*sits up*

This is an important discussion for me, by the way. I'm now a grown up! I gotta know these things! :D

jennifer75
01-09-2007, 10:52 PM
Jennifer,

Thanks, but people feel that for so many people in a lifetime. I mean, doesn't the increasing no. of divorces show that people don't actually take the right decisions when it comes to choosing life partners/ long -term love partners?

How do you know you've found "that" person though? And yes, the number of divorces shows that a hell of a lot of us are failing that interview, but having fun.

I want to know the criteria for being "the one". Is it hair color? Eyes...?

SpiderGal
01-09-2007, 10:55 PM
How do you know you've found "that" person though? And yes, the number of divorces shows that a hell of a lot of us are failing that interview, but having fun.

I want to know the criteria for being "the one". Is it hair color? Eyes...?

Well, Jen, that's what I am here to find out! :)

paprikapink
01-09-2007, 11:01 PM
I think the advice that the grandpa in "Little Miss Sunshine" gave to the grandson may be the best...but I'm too much of a lady to repeat it. "Fuck a lot of women! I mean it! A lot!" I think that approach is what worked for me. I dated a lotta guys. By the time I got to the guy who became my husband 15 years ago, I'd been through the loop enough times to recognize that this was something completely different.

There's often an imbalance -- one party likes the other party more than the other party likes them...in my case, if the guy liked me more, within three months he got on my nerves so bad I couldn't be around him. If I liked the guy more than he liked me, the relationship could go on much longer. Luckily I dated enough guys that this pattern became very easy to see. In some ways my husband still fits the pattern; although we care for each other equally, he's so utterly uncommunicative, I can never feel completely secure.

jennifer75
01-09-2007, 11:16 PM
In some ways my husband still fits the pattern; although we care for each other equally, he's so utterly uncommunicative, I can never feel completely secure.

See!!! She's "found the one" yet still has doubt! :)

jennifer75
01-09-2007, 11:17 PM
See!!! She's "found the one" yet still has doubt! :)

I think we're like books....read one story, enjoy it, then read another. Shoot, recommend it to a friend if you want. hahaha.

SpiderGal
01-09-2007, 11:20 PM
:) I understand that Jennifer, but I hail from a country where you are expected to marry only once. So, I can't really try the "book" thing.

jennifer75
01-10-2007, 12:10 AM
:) I understand that Jennifer, but I hail from a country where you are expected to marry only once. So, I can't really try the "book" thing.

I ran up my library bill myself, but I'm sure some day I'll be paid up and back skimming the isles.

Kate Thornton
01-10-2007, 12:59 AM
I have been married to the same person for 29 years.

Initially there was some attraction, but not that much. It was after we got to know each other well that I knew he would be the right person for the long haul. There was a spark of romance - but that can happen with anyone. There was humor and intelligence - but that you can find, too. Ultimately it was his compassion, good nature, honesty and sense of commitment that made me see him as the perfect person for me. And he has been. And still is.

I think it all turned on the day he talked about "getting old together" - and now we are.

But I had to read a lot of short books before I knew I could settle in with "War & Peace" - date a lot, meet a lot of different people at different stages of your life, and see if your priorities change as *you* grow.

thewritermama
01-10-2007, 02:24 AM
Hiya,
I've been married for (almost) seven years, and I suspect my answers will sound corny, so consider yourself warned. :)

How do you know, or decide, that this is the right person for you?

In our case, we met in a writing class and then again at a cafe a couple weeks later where we were both journaling. Although he is Jewish and I am not. Even though he is six plus years younger than me. Even though...etc, etc. there was nothing obvious on the outside to indicate out being "a good match," we have an inner connection and our rapport was immediate. That had never happened before. So I guess it wasn't an intellectual process, but an internal instinct that brought us together and keeps us together.

Is it mere a gut feeling?
Deeper than that. What's the expression...maybe "meant to be." Sorry, that's double corny.

Or you carefully evaluate him/her and your experience with them before committing yourself?
In my case, no. I knew. In his case, yes. But ultimately, he trusted his gut. How many guys do you know who would marry a woman six years older than themselves?

Do you take into account factors like personality, character etc?
Some may, for us the bottom line is we are good for each other.

Okay, the corn shop is now closed.

farfromfearless
01-10-2007, 03:00 AM
I think that you should approach this from a different perspective - one where society constantly tries to homogenize a very personal experience. Relationships in general have many common factors, but the catalysts are for many, subtle, and for others, quite obvious. I think there is a lot of undue pressure put on teens to fall into the stereo type of boy meets girl, etc. Perhaps the way to approach it is to focus on the skills needed to maintain a healthy relationship and to look for the signs that might indicate a bad relationship; when friends should stay friends; when friendship can work towards something more - and realistic expectations for new relationships in the context of current society. Most of all - respecting the beliefs and moral values of different societies/cultures when it comes to dating and intimacy, etc.

Silver King
01-10-2007, 03:16 AM
Some of us knew the instant we saw the other person. For me, there was no question she was the one.

She was dating an acquaintance at the time. When we were introduced, I touched her hand, and a shock ran up my arm. My cheeks flushed. My heart melted and seemed to explode at the same time.

When she stopped dating the acquaintance, it took months to work up my nerve to ask her out. I literally thought I would die when she agreed.

After nearly a quarter century, the bond between us couldn't be stronger, and the flame that ignited our passion still rages on.

(Today is our anniversary.)

Kate Thornton
01-10-2007, 03:20 AM
(Today is our anniversary.)

Happy Anniversary!

WildScribe
01-10-2007, 03:25 AM
I had just gotten out of a bad relationship when I met my husband, and I was NOT looking for love. Actually, I had just told two guys who asked me out to wait for the summer and ask if they were still interested in the fall. I was sick of guys!

Nonetheless, I fell for him almost right away. He was a bit older, so I felt young and childish when I was with him, and wrote him a poem that said so. He sat in his truck for an hour and read that short poem over and over, then decided that his feelings of friendship could be a lot more. For him (he says) loving me was a decision because I was someone who he could see himself with forever. For me it was something that took me over whether I liked it or not. For both of us, it has been amazing. It was almost five years ago, and we've been happily married for going on two years.

WildScribe
01-10-2007, 03:26 AM
(Today is our anniversary.)

Oh, YAY SILVERKING!

Willowmound
01-10-2007, 03:37 AM
There's no 'the one'. This fantasy kills more potential relationships than anything else.

You know a person 'is right for you' (ugh) when you want to spend a whole lot of time with them and put them in your bed and have them live in your house.

Yes, that is a 'mere' (mere! *shakes head*) gut feeling.

greglondon
01-10-2007, 04:03 AM
You get interested in a guy/gal, ask them out and go on a few dates. You have a good time, and think you like this person. How do you know, or decide, that this is the right person for you?

Temet Nosce

Once you have the answer to that, your other questions will be answered.

Silver King
01-10-2007, 04:17 AM
There's no 'the one'.
Yes there is. I found mine. I'd go so far as to say the ONLY one, but it sounds too much like a love song.

truelyana
01-10-2007, 04:18 AM
Jennifer,

Thanks, but people feel that for so many people in a lifetime. I mean, doesn't the increasing no. of divorces show that people don't actually take the right decisions when it comes to choosing life partners/ long -term love partners?

The fact is whilst loving another, is that you have to work for it. It's more of a way of thinking than anything else as, there is neither no 'right' or 'wrong'. Love is based on reason and choice. Whoever chooses to love, will find ways to express that decision.

Everything in the world is not perfect, and everyone also knows that if you have a fight with someone you love, you don't feel very good about it. You seek to correct, and fix it. I'm trying to highlight, that everything can be worked out with the act of will and discipline recognising the need for personal growth. This is applicable to love, if your willing to open yourself up to a love that grows out of reason and choice, and not instinct. You can make this work, with anybody. It is your choice to expend energy in an effort if your willing to benefit the other person, knowing that he's or her life is enriched, by your effort whilst, finding the satisfaction of genuinely loving another. :)

Willowmound
01-10-2007, 05:08 AM
Yes there is. I found mine. I'd go so far as to say the ONLY one, but it sounds too much like a love song.

I often feels like that. Thankfully, it's not true.

Silver King
01-10-2007, 05:31 AM
I often feels like that. Thankfully, it's not true.
You're right. For some folks, there is no "one," and never will be; therefore it seems false when they hear of romances that transcend everything that's ever happened to them.

Cath
01-10-2007, 06:58 AM
Some of us knew the instant we saw the other person. For me, there was no question she was the one....
(Today is our anniversary.)

Happy Anniversary!

And count me as another. I was determined never to get married - there's hardly a successful marriage in my family and the idea terrified me. Then I met hubby and I just knew, immediately, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. It's only been ten years so far - but we get closer every year.

:Shrug: just lucky I guess.

WildScribe
01-10-2007, 07:43 AM
Happy Anniversary!

And count me as another. I was determined never to get married - there's hardly a successful marriage in my family and the idea terrified me. Then I met hubby and I just knew, immediately, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. It's only been ten years so far - but we get closer every year.

:Shrug: just lucky I guess.

While we haven't been married long, we have endured a number of hardships and have come through it stronger and more in love. I doubt there is anyone out there who would fit me like Samuel does. Anyway, I don't just think we were meant for each other, I believe we were made for each other. Created just to fit, and that's that. But maybe I'm just romantic and in love.

Willowmound
01-10-2007, 08:49 AM
You're right. For some folks, there is no "one," and never will be; therefore it seems false when they hear of romances that transcend everything that's ever happened to them.

'The one' only becomes 'the one' after the fact.

Anonymous Traveler
01-10-2007, 09:05 AM
Unfortunately, you find the one in your life that should have been is on the other side of the bridge you burnt. She becomes a tormenting little voice in your head. Great for plot lines, bad for a good sleep.

Silver King
01-10-2007, 09:41 AM
'The one' only becomes 'the one' after the fact.
True. But there is something to be said about present tense.

There's no right or wrong answers when it comes to matters of the heart. Some feelings are ingrained, for whatever reason, forever.

I followed my heart, and it led to true love...or as close to what I could ever hope to imagine.

Tallymark
01-10-2007, 10:01 AM
You people and your happiness...bah, makes a girl feel bad.

Since you mentioned that this is probably for an article geared at teens, even if its not the focus of the article you may want to address the dangers and downfalls of young love. The first love is usually the most intense, and the first heartbreak is the hardest; a lot of young teens are as much in love with the idea of love as they are with their partner, and lose all realistic perspectives on their relationship. They shouldn't be in such a rush to find 'the one'; it's their time to explore dating and relationships, without having to worry yet about a permanent committment.

Of course, then there's the other sad end of the spectrum, for people who've waited too long and have come to realize that everyone else their age is married. XD

SpiderGal
01-10-2007, 11:46 AM
Thanks everyone.

I have made a few changes on the first post.

This is really preoccupying me, boy. :D

K1P1
01-10-2007, 06:15 PM
Living together helps. I met my husband when we were renting rooms in the same house in college. When you share a kitchen and bathrooms with somebody for two years, you get to know what they're really like. During that two years we also fell in love, but having shared a house for so long, we knew both the bad and good sides of each other extremely well.

tela
01-10-2007, 07:03 PM
There was nothing about my husband that was ďright for meĒ. I canít even say way I said yes when he asked me out. Yet on our first date I knew. I knew he was the one for me. I can not explain it, it was just a feeling of comfort, of belonging I had never experienced anything like it.
On our first date he asked me to marry him. We were married seven months later.

We have been through a lot in our 26 years together and Iím sure thereís more to come but Iím not worried. Our marriage is secure, we have an unbreakable bond, it was strong that first day and is stronger now.

Kate Thornton
01-10-2007, 08:35 PM
I often feels like that. Thankfully, it's not true.

Yes, if there was only one person in the world for you, what would you do in the face of tragedy and the loss of a beloved partner? Love is all encompassing, not exclusionary - when you find the right person, it is very good. But there can be another or there would be no hope after tragedy.

SpiderGal
01-11-2007, 04:31 PM
*reading along*

Lots of varied opinions, interesting. Will be back after some "thinking".

ideagirl
01-14-2007, 12:47 AM
I think that you should approach this from a different perspective - one where society constantly tries to homogenize a very personal experience. Relationships in general have many common factors, but the catalysts are for many, subtle, and for others, quite obvious. I think there is a lot of undue pressure put on teens to fall into the stereo type of boy meets girl, etc. Perhaps the way to approach it is to focus on the skills needed to maintain a healthy relationship and to look for the signs that might indicate a bad relationship; when friends should stay friends; when friendship can work towards something more - and realistic expectations for new relationships in the context of current society.

I agree with you 100%. There simply is not any one-size-fits-all way of knowing who you should be with, because we are all with people for different reasons (for example, if you need to develop a certain side of your personality, you're going to need different things in a mate than someone who needs to develop a different side of their personality). So because we all have different ways of navigating through life, AND we're all with people for different reasons, it follows that the way we come to realize that this person is "the one" can be very different for each of us.

So, that being the case, it doesn't make sense to write an article about "here's how you know he's the one." But it really does make sense to write one about "here's how you know he's NOT the one," and have the article be about how to recognize incompatibility, emotional abuse, etc. That article would be a lot more useful than any "one size fits all" how you know he's the one article would be. Emotional abuse takes many different forms, but you can list those forms in an article, and they're all abuse. What I mean here is that one abuser may do it by privately criticizing his girlfriend about things he knows are especially hurtful to her, while another may do it by purposely humiliating his girlfriend in front of other people--but BOTH of those behaviors ARE abusive, period. In contrast, the kind of experience that one woman interprets as meaning "he's the one for me!" may NOT be what would mean "he's the one for me" to another woman. So making a list of how other people "knew he was the one" is not very useful to readers, while making a list of how to recognize he was abusive and thus NOT the one, now that could be useful!

jennifer75
01-25-2007, 05:39 AM
Bringing this thread out again, I found this link

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0301924/plotsummary

and thought it was kind of interesting in relationship to the thread.

A.M. Wildman
01-25-2007, 10:52 PM
Jennifer,

Thanks, but people feel that for so many people in a lifetime. I mean, doesn't the increasing no. of divorces show that people don't actually take the right decisions when it comes to choosing life partners/ long -term love partners?

That may be the case. However, I believe that many couples get married too young, or too fast, and end up growing apart as they get older. The biggest factor in divorces besides money is communication, or lack of it.
Toss in the internal and external stressors of life in general, and people's unwillingness sometimes, to accept a change in their partner, (i.e. stay at home wife/mom goes back to work, husband/dad gets a new position that requires him to be away, vice versa, etc.) and you've got a recipe for disaster.

And unconciously,

Men marry women hoping they won't change, and women marry men hoping they will. :D

Bravo
01-26-2007, 12:13 AM
That may be the case. However, I believe that many couples get married too young, or too fast, and end up growing apart as they get older. The biggest factor in divorces besides money is communication, or lack of it.

actually, the average age of marriage has increased w the divorce rate.

Sohia Rose
01-26-2007, 12:22 AM
When I first met my husband six years ago, I said to myself, 'That is one sexy man, oooh! Those eyes are killer and those lips are just too pouty sticking out there.' :ROFL:

Animal attraction was important to me. I wanted to jump my hubby's bones the minute I saw him. But he had to pass the test. Is he intelligent? Smart? Witty? Can he make me laugh? Do we mesh?

I talked to him for 10 minutes and I knew he was the man I wanted to marry. He was (still is) everything I ever wanted in a man, but didn't think existed. There was no front or pretentious crap that I was used to getting from men. He was just a straight up dude.

Man I love him. :o

Tiger
01-26-2007, 01:42 AM
I married the first woman who proposed... Not trite: true.

A.M. Wildman
01-26-2007, 05:38 AM
actually, the average age of marriage has increased w the divorce rate.

Bravo you could be right. I think what I was trying to say there is that many couples don't spend the time they should finding out if they are compatible with their prospective spouse or not.

Talia
01-27-2007, 01:32 AM
SpiderGal - are you still looking for information? I can help you.

I'm a psychologist and I've written a book on dating (Romancing the Frogs). I know the Personality Plus concepts and I've done a lot of research on the subject of personality, personality traits etc. If you would like to be more specific with your questions I would be very happy to provide you with quotes etc.

There is no one way that people know the person is right. KateThornton's experiences are one way of finding love. Other people don't believe it's love unless there is an initial sizzle or chemistry. Some people know immediately; others take time to decide. It depends on personality, emotional intelligence, belief systems, internal scripts, etc etc.

You might also be interested in this article that I wrote on Love Junkies (http://taliamana.blogspot.com/2006/07/are-you-love-junkie.html)