How, or when, do you know/decide this is the right person for you?

SpiderGal · Jan 9, 2007

You get interested in a guy/gal, ask them out and go on a few dates. You have a good time, and think you like this person. How do you know, or decide, that this is the right person for you? Is it mere a gut feeling? Or you carefully evaluate him/her and your experience with them before committing yourself? Do you take into account factors like personality, character etc?

I am thinking of pitching this to a teen mag, might need to quote some of you but generally looking for opinions so that I can take everything into perspective while crafting the piece.

Your insights, observations are welcome.

Thanks so much!

Edit :

While I was chewing over this today, some more questions surfaced. I want to know more on how people feel about personality differences in the "matters of the heart" (LOL).

I read in a book Personality Plus ( by Florence Litthauer), that people with opposite, or considerably different personalities (shy-outgoing, ambitious-low profile) make great couples. Now, I know that's not the final word written about it, and lots of discrepancies occur. So, what's your take on it?

I tend to think, being an outgoing-ambitious person, that I am more inclined towards falling for folks who are like a bit shy, serious etc etc.

And does having similar interests help?

jennifer75 · Jan 9, 2007

SpiderGal said:
You get interested in a guy/gal, ask them out and go on a few dates. You have a good time, and think you like this person. How do you know, or decide, that this is the right person for you? Is it mere a gut feeling? Or you carefully evaluate him/her and your experience with them before committing yourself? Do you take into account factors like personality, character etc?

I am thinking of pitching this to a teen mag, might need to quote some of you but generally looking for opinions so that I can take everything into perspective while crafting the piece.

Your insights, observations are welcome.

Thanks so much!

I think you go out with this new person so many times (wether it be 3 or 13) and you just realize one day that you've developed feelings along the way while trying to decide if you liked their qualities or not. It just happens. Then later down the road you realize they might not have aced the interveiw, but you've had a damn good time.

SpiderGal · Jan 9, 2007

Jennifer,

Thanks, but people feel that for so many people in a lifetime. I mean, doesn't the increasing no. of divorces show that people don't actually take the right decisions when it comes to choosing life partners/ long -term love partners?

SpiderGal · Jan 9, 2007

*sits up*

This is an important discussion for me, by the way. I'm now a grown up! I gotta know these things!

jennifer75 · Jan 9, 2007

SpiderGal said:
Jennifer,

Thanks, but people feel that for so many people in a lifetime. I mean, doesn't the increasing no. of divorces show that people don't actually take the right decisions when it comes to choosing life partners/ long -term love partners?

How do you know you've found "that" person though? And yes, the number of divorces shows that a hell of a lot of us are failing that interview, but having fun.

I want to know the criteria for being "the one". Is it hair color? Eyes...?

SpiderGal · Jan 9, 2007

jennifer75 said:
How do you know you've found "that" person though? And yes, the number of divorces shows that a hell of a lot of us are failing that interview, but having fun.

I want to know the criteria for being "the one". Is it hair color? Eyes...?

Well, Jen, that's what I am here to find out!

paprikapink · Jan 9, 2007

I think the advice that the grandpa in "Little Miss Sunshine" gave to the grandson may be the best...but I'm too much of a lady to repeat it. "Fuck a lot of women! I mean it! A lot!" I think that approach is what worked for me. I dated a lotta guys. By the time I got to the guy who became my husband 15 years ago, I'd been through the loop enough times to recognize that this was something completely different.

There's often an imbalance -- one party likes the other party more than the other party likes them...in my case, if the guy liked me more, within three months he got on my nerves so bad I couldn't be around him. If I liked the guy more than he liked me, the relationship could go on much longer. Luckily I dated enough guys that this pattern became very easy to see. In some ways my husband still fits the pattern; although we care for each other equally, he's so utterly uncommunicative, I can never feel completely secure.

jennifer75 · Jan 9, 2007

paprikapink said:
In some ways my husband still fits the pattern; although we care for each other equally, he's so utterly uncommunicative, I can never feel completely secure.

See!!! She's "found the one" yet still has doubt!

jennifer75 · Jan 9, 2007

jennifer75 said:
See!!! She's "found the one" yet still has doubt!

I think we're like books....read one story, enjoy it, then read another. Shoot, recommend it to a friend if you want. hahaha.

SpiderGal · Jan 9, 2007

I understand that Jennifer, but I hail from a country where you are expected to marry only once. So, I can't really try the "book" thing.

jennifer75 · Jan 9, 2007

SpiderGal said:
I understand that Jennifer, but I hail from a country where you are expected to marry only once. So, I can't really try the "book" thing.

I ran up my library bill myself, but I'm sure some day I'll be paid up and back skimming the isles.

Kate Thornton · Jan 9, 2007

I have been married to the same person for 29 years.

Initially there was some attraction, but not that much. It was after we got to know each other well that I knew he would be the right person for the long haul. There was a spark of romance - but that can happen with anyone. There was humor and intelligence - but that you can find, too. Ultimately it was his compassion, good nature, honesty and sense of commitment that made me see him as the perfect person for me. And he has been. And still is.

I think it all turned on the day he talked about "getting old together" - and now we are.

But I had to read a lot of short books before I knew I could settle in with "War & Peace" - date a lot, meet a lot of different people at different stages of your life, and see if your priorities change as *you* grow.

thewritermama · Jan 9, 2007

Hiya,
I've been married for (almost) seven years, and I suspect my answers will sound corny, so consider yourself warned.

How do you know, or decide, that this is the right person for you?

In our case, we met in a writing class and then again at a cafe a couple weeks later where we were both journaling. Although he is Jewish and I am not. Even though he is six plus years younger than me. Even though...etc, etc. there was nothing obvious on the outside to indicate out being "a good match," we have an inner connection and our rapport was immediate. That had never happened before. So I guess it wasn't an intellectual process, but an internal instinct that brought us together and keeps us together.

Is it mere a gut feeling?
Deeper than that. What's the expression...maybe "meant to be." Sorry, that's double corny.

Or you carefully evaluate him/her and your experience with them before committing yourself?
In my case, no. I knew. In his case, yes. But ultimately, he trusted his gut. How many guys do you know who would marry a woman six years older than themselves?

Do you take into account factors like personality, character etc?
Some may, for us the bottom line is we are good for each other.

Okay, the corn shop is now closed.

farfromfearless · Jan 9, 2007

I think that you should approach this from a different perspective - one where society constantly tries to homogenize a very personal experience. Relationships in general have many common factors, but the catalysts are for many, subtle, and for others, quite obvious. I think there is a lot of undue pressure put on teens to fall into the stereo type of boy meets girl, etc. Perhaps the way to approach it is to focus on the skills needed to maintain a healthy relationship and to look for the signs that might indicate a bad relationship; when friends should stay friends; when friendship can work towards something more - and realistic expectations for new relationships in the context of current society. Most of all - respecting the beliefs and moral values of different societies/cultures when it comes to dating and intimacy, etc.

Silver King · Jan 9, 2007

Some of us knew the instant we saw the other person. For me, there was no question she was the one.

She was dating an acquaintance at the time. When we were introduced, I touched her hand, and a shock ran up my arm. My cheeks flushed. My heart melted and seemed to explode at the same time.

When she stopped dating the acquaintance, it took months to work up my nerve to ask her out. I literally thought I would die when she agreed.

After nearly a quarter century, the bond between us couldn't be stronger, and the flame that ignited our passion still rages on.

(Today is our anniversary.)

Kate Thornton · Jan 9, 2007

Silver King said:
(Today is our anniversary.)

Happy Anniversary!

WildScribe · Jan 9, 2007

I had just gotten out of a bad relationship when I met my husband, and I was NOT looking for love. Actually, I had just told two guys who asked me out to wait for the summer and ask if they were still interested in the fall. I was sick of guys!

Nonetheless, I fell for him almost right away. He was a bit older, so I felt young and childish when I was with him, and wrote him a poem that said so. He sat in his truck for an hour and read that short poem over and over, then decided that his feelings of friendship could be a lot more. For him (he says) loving me was a decision because I was someone who he could see himself with forever. For me it was something that took me over whether I liked it or not. For both of us, it has been amazing. It was almost five years ago, and we've been happily married for going on two years.

WildScribe · Jan 9, 2007

Silver King said:
(Today is our anniversary.)

Oh, YAY SILVERKING!

Willowmound · Jan 9, 2007

There's no 'the one'. This fantasy kills more potential relationships than anything else.

You know a person 'is right for you' (ugh) when you want to spend a whole lot of time with them and put them in your bed and have them live in your house.

Yes, that is a 'mere' (mere! *shakes head*) gut feeling.

greglondon · Jan 9, 2007

SpiderGal said:
You get interested in a guy/gal, ask them out and go on a few dates. You have a good time, and think you like this person. How do you know, or decide, that this is the right person for you?

Temet Nosce

Once you have the answer to that, your other questions will be answered.

Silver King · Jan 9, 2007

Willowmound said:
There's no 'the one'.

Yes there is. I found mine. I'd go so far as to say the ONLY one, but it sounds too much like a love song.

truelyana · Jan 9, 2007

SpiderGal said:
Jennifer,

Thanks, but people feel that for so many people in a lifetime. I mean, doesn't the increasing no. of divorces show that people don't actually take the right decisions when it comes to choosing life partners/ long -term love partners?

The fact is whilst loving another, is that you have to work for it. It's more of a way of thinking than anything else as, there is neither no 'right' or 'wrong'. Love is based on reason and choice. Whoever chooses to love, will find ways to express that decision.

Everything in the world is not perfect, and everyone also knows that if you have a fight with someone you love, you don't feel very good about it. You seek to correct, and fix it. I'm trying to highlight, that everything can be worked out with the act of will and discipline recognising the need for personal growth. This is applicable to love, if your willing to open yourself up to a love that grows out of reason and choice, and not instinct. You can make this work, with anybody. It is your choice to expend energy in an effort if your willing to benefit the other person, knowing that he's or her life is enriched, by your effort whilst, finding the satisfaction of genuinely loving another.

Willowmound · Jan 9, 2007

Silver King said:
Yes there is. I found mine. I'd go so far as to say the ONLY one, but it sounds too much like a love song.

I often feels like that. Thankfully, it's not true.

Silver King · Jan 9, 2007

Willowmound said:
I often feels like that. Thankfully, it's not true.

You're right. For some folks, there is no "one," and never will be; therefore it seems false when they hear of romances that transcend everything that's ever happened to them.

Cath · Jan 9, 2007

Silver King said:
Some of us knew the instant we saw the other person. For me, there was no question she was the one....
(Today is our anniversary.)

Happy Anniversary!

And count me as another. I was determined never to get married - there's hardly a successful marriage in my family and the idea terrified me. Then I met hubby and I just knew, immediately, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. It's only been ten years so far - but we get closer every year.

:Shrug:

just lucky I guess.

How, or when, do you know/decide this is the right person for you?

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