PDA

View Full Version : Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a TURKEY!



Pages : [1] 2

aruna
01-07-2007, 11:47 AM
Our wonderful turkey hatched this morning, 6 am GMT.
Its name is Crack of Death, by Sharla Tann.

PublishAmerica has decided to give this book "the chance it deserves". We have the hard copy contract; however, we (Tsu Dho Nimh, Old Hack and myself) have decided to publish it ourselves instead.

You can view it at

http://www.lulu.com/content/700451

It's available for £10.73 plus postage as a paperback, or as an E-book.

All proceeds go to AbsoluteWrite, to help with their great work in supporting authors and busting scam operations such as PunishAmerica.

This is the work of 21 authors, most of them AWers you know and love; it was great fun writing, reading and putting it together, and I am delighted with the result. I think you'll agree that it's the second worst book in the world, after Atlanta Nights (http://www.lulu.com/content/102550). (And Uncle Jim has kindly contributed one chapter.)

Originally, Crack of Death was conceived as a sting manuscript to bring down PA's evil spawn daughter company evil spawn PublishBritannica, and originally we wanted it to be an All-British work. We had the BBC Watchdog and Trading Standards interested, and quite possibly it would have gone on TV. However, the British writers I originally recruited backed out one by one, leaving only six of us behind.
That's when I turned to AW members for help. The result is a Published Book that tells a truly edge-of-your-seat story, a story so bad it's good.

But then, just as we wanted to submit it to PublishBritannica, the Enclyclopaedia Britannica sued, and PA/PB ran back to the US with their tail between their legs.

So we were left stranded: a tale without a dog.

I let it sit on my computer for many months. I had other things to do: a book to write. for instance. But then I finished said book, found an agent, and in the few weeks I had between books I decided to take this wonderful story to the next level and submit it to PublishAmerica.

This exciting erotic thriller fiction novel is the story of the beautiful hairdresser Nancy whose life spirals out of control when she meets the exotic Roberto. Little does Audrey know that Roberto is in fact a dangerous Colombian Mafia Drug Lord. Can she escape the clutches of Cucaracha, Espadrillo and their Boss, the wicked La Madre? From the seething underbelly of Colombian drugs to the evil web of intrigue in London, Nancy is swept up in an adventure that will change her life forever, right up to the cliffhanger ending where the kindly Scotland Yard detective Garry Lamont vies with intrepid FBI agent Duane Malaysia for her favours. But is it too late?

Birol
01-07-2007, 12:02 PM
Why am I foreseeing a day when people proudly announce they own the complete collection of PA sting books?

Patricia
01-07-2007, 12:03 PM
Ordered my print copy from Lulu a few minutes ago, aruna. Glad to be a part of supporting AW and putting another black mark against PA. I will proudly display my copy of The Crack of Death along side Atlanta Nights. :):):)

Come on everyone--be among the first to order the second most terrible book to be accepted by PA, and help support the great service offered to all writers by AW and the many professional authors who frequent the AW boards.

Old Hack
01-07-2007, 12:31 PM
Having been involved in the project right from the start I can proudly say I've never written such rubbish in my life. Nor read it, for that matter--Atlanta Nights excepted. Thank you, Aruna, for putting so much effort into this project. You've been marvellous. I can only hope that everyone else enjoys it as much as I have.

Buy the book!

aruna
01-07-2007, 12:41 PM
Having been involved in the project right from the start I can proudly say I've never written such rubbish in my life. Nor read it, for that matter--Atlanta Nights excepted. Thank you, Aruna, for putting so much effort into this project. You've been marvellous. I can only hope that everyone else enjoys it as much as I have.

Buy the book!

In fact, it was your idea for the beginning... and you came up with the most exciting (and ridiculous!) plot twists and characters,,,
Isn't it gerat to be a Published Author!

Atomic Bear
01-07-2007, 12:48 PM
...Nancy is swept up in an adventure that will change her life forever, right up to the cliffhanger ending where the kindly Scotland Yard detective Garry Lamont vies with intrepid FBI agent Duane Malaysia for her favours. But is it too late?

:roll:

Way too funny. PA sure knows how to pick the best books.

Congrats.

Lady of Prose
01-07-2007, 12:59 PM
Buy. The. Book. :) It may be the only time you see me in print! Seriously, I think it takes real talent to write such @#%^&*. And I’m sure my co-authors all agree with me :) Thanks aruna for inviting me to participate.

triceretops
01-07-2007, 01:11 PM
Yeah, I was a proud crap contributor from the very beginning. I'm so glad this project made it to acceptance and publication. PA claims to reject 80% of everthing that comes across their desks. If this MADE it, it begs the question: Just what are they REJECTING? What's worse is that the editor admitted that it had some spelling errors, which indicates that he/she read part of the story. Emphasis...PART.

Another one that slipped through the cracks and put a pimple on PA's butt. Is this the fourth sting manuscript? I'm beginning to lose count now. Guiness World Records needs to check this publisher out. In fact, I might submit this feat to their board and see if this topic has ever been covered.

Excerpt:
He slammed on the brakes suddenly and the cruiser skied on the pavement making crayon-like marks on the asphault. He starred at her viciously, and there could be seen on his forehead a vein that bucked and throbbed to the rythum of his heartbeat. He was totally pissed off and he let her know it with his next words, in no uncertain terms.
“Then you’re going down—up the river! Do you know what they do to little tarts, with big breasts, like you have, in the women’s penetencheery at Brighton? Those are hard-core felonious women in there and they have sandpaper tongues, sharp fingernails, and no cumpunction about using foreign objects on new prisoners. They won’t let you watch soap operas, wear fuzzy slippers, or write posts to home. You’ll be eating mutton, I mean, porriage, every day of your life in there. For Christmas you’ll get a sack of walnuts with no nut cracker. Is that how you want to live?”

aruna
01-07-2007, 01:12 PM
I have to say, LOP, your crap was some of the most brilliant in the book! Yours is one of my favourite chapters. Makes me smile just thinking of it. Hot Damn!

aruna
01-07-2007, 01:20 PM
Or this, from the notorious Chapter 16:


I looked down at her. Damn she smelt good, and her lips glistened in the street light like two plump, red, Italian tomatoes. Her mascara had sagged into a gothic dressers delight, streamed down her cheeks, and her blue eyes said something to Garry. He kissed her again, and the sweet cherry lip gloss from the first kiss he stole at the police station had turned to salty tears.

"Come back to my place, Nancy, and lets get this situation sorted out," I said. A small whimper and the nod of her head pushed me to bring her out to the street and put her in my car.

The street lights flickered through the window as we past each one on the way to my place. Nancy stared out the front window and didn't say much of anything, if anything at all. Garry couldn't stand it any longer and said what was on his mind. After all, he was in love with her.

JennaGlatzer
01-07-2007, 01:25 PM
:roll: I'm very... um... proud (?) of you all.

Lady of Prose
01-07-2007, 01:27 PM
Lotta "Hot Damns" in that little ole book. ;)

aruna
01-07-2007, 02:02 PM
.

Another one that slipped through the cracks and put a pimple on PA's butt. Is this the fourth sting manuscript? I'm beginning to lose count now. Guiness World Records needs to check this publisher out. In fact, I might submit this feat to their board and see if this topic has ever been covered.



I have to say I was a bit scared they'd reject it. I couldn't believe they'd not notice it was a sting. I thought they'd be a bit wary by now,
But honestly, I don't think they even care now . They survived Atlana Nights; they must think it doesn't really matter, as long as new people sign up.
It's new writers signing up and buying their own books that keep them in business. They just don't care about their reputation.

Tsu Dho Nimh
01-07-2007, 02:06 PM
Thank you all, thank you, thank you, thank you. I was thrilled to work with such a brilliant team of writers

Now ... when can I expect the cops at my door like the Pink Pony author got?

And can we auction the contracts on eBay?

aruna
01-07-2007, 02:10 PM
oops - sorry for spelling your name wrong inPost 1. Corrected! I've spelt a lot of names wrong today - must be that adrenalin rush, like Duane Malaysia!

Tsu Dho Nimh
01-07-2007, 02:11 PM
I have to say I was a bit scared they'd reject it. I couldn't believe they'd not notice it was a sting.

Maybe we can write a sizzling romance between Sharla Tann and Travis Tea and send that in? Call it Death of Atlanta.

They took enough time to notice a problem with the dialog formatting (perhaps English versus American style), and didn't notice that Nancy went through Heathrow several times with several different outcomes.

aruna
01-07-2007, 02:12 PM
Maybe we can write a sizzling romance between Sharla Tann and Travis Tea and send that in? Call it Death of Atlanta.

They took enough time to notice a problem with the dialog formatting (perhaps English versus American style), and didn't notice that Nancy went through Heathrow several times with several different outcomes.

And with several different suitcases!

J.S Greer
01-07-2007, 02:20 PM
Thats classic!:hooray:

Sharla Tann...LOL

Christine N.
01-07-2007, 04:45 PM
Ah, yes...
Do you think they even noticed that I spelled "Twenty" wrong in the heading of my chapter? Or that I included sentences that stated in no uncertain terms that this was utter crap?

Oh well, it's fun anyway :D

Proudly the author of Chapter Tweenty-four

aruna
01-07-2007, 04:59 PM
Hot Damn, Christine, you can WRITE.


The day was warm, the trees covered in thick leaves. Garry walked away from Cynthia, his thoughts all over Nancy. Where was she, he thought to himself, and who took her? That Roberto was the first person who popped into his head. Roberto, with his suave ways and Latin accent. His dark skin, his full lips, his way of walking that made women drop their pants in the middle of the street.

Christine N.
01-07-2007, 05:12 PM
Tee hee. It really was hard to write that badly. I had to un-learn all the good stuff people have taught me.

Yeah, well, it's no Eye of Argon, but I did my best :D

I have the copy you sent me, I'm trying hard to get through the rest of it without laughing, but it's proving, uh, difficult. In a beautiful sort of way.

Bravo!

AnneMarble
01-07-2007, 06:45 PM
Our wonderful turkey hatched this morning, 6 am GMT.
Its name is Crack of Death, by Sharla Tann.
Congrats!

:partyguy:

Now you can proudly go down in infamy. But the book is for a good cause, so maybe you're going down in famy. Or is that up in infamy? :D

grommet
01-07-2007, 07:24 PM
I've been waiting for details of what you guys did since you first alluded to it before the holidays.

Damn, ya'll are brilliant. Congratulations.

And this? I'll be saying every chance I get:

"For Christmas you’ll get a sack of walnuts with no nut cracker. Is that how you want to live?"

Grommet
(infrequent poster, constant admirer)

Tsu Dho Nimh
01-07-2007, 07:42 PM
Maybe we can write a sizzling romance between Sharla Tann and Travis Tea and send that in? Call it Death of Atlanta.

They took enough time to notice a problem with the dialog formatting (perhaps English versus American style), and didn't notice that Nancy went through Heathrow several times with several different outcomes.

My roomie suggests "The Crack of Atlanta", with Travis being a plumber.

James D. Macdonald
01-07-2007, 08:37 PM
W00t! W00t! W00t!

PA pwned again!

PublishAmerica earned its name of "PublishAnything" by offering a contract on death-defying prose like this:


Garry lowered himself to the ground. He hung up the phone, then knelt and played with his weapon in the blackness of the dark. His thoughts all coagulated into one single driving force. Vengeance. A mind-numbing all-encompassing swilling swelling desire for vengeance. La Cucuracha. La Madre. Ernesto Espadrillo. These scum and all there scumbag partners in crime would pay dearly for this and pay through the nose. Dearly – very very dearly.

Yes, I contributed to it, but as just one cog in vast gear-stripped, jammed machine. (My chapter was one of the several times Nancy went through Heathrow. It's the one where she spends an inordinate amount of time worrying about her knickers.)

The overwhelming question remains: What do you have to do to get rejected by PublishAmerica? Submitting semi-illiterate borderline porn just gets you a contract.

Maybe the next test should be submitting manuscripts at different times of day to see when the cutoff is.

eqb
01-07-2007, 08:51 PM
Have I mentioned recently how much I love you guys?

aruna
01-07-2007, 08:59 PM
Hello Lulu members: I can't sign into my account page right now; it just shows blank. Is it just me, or is it a temporary bug?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
01-07-2007, 09:16 PM
Ba-da-BING! Y'all are the cat's pajamas.

Tsu Dho Nimh
01-07-2007, 09:35 PM
Hey! Howcome Sharla doesn't get nifty cover blurbs like Travis did?

jules
01-07-2007, 09:37 PM
Maybe the next test should be submitting manuscripts at different times of day to see when the cutoff is.

I'm not convinced you'll find anything useful from that. My suspicion - if I were a money-grabbing unprincipled bastard^W^W^W^Wdirector at PA, there'd be a single big submission queue that everything went on, and every time an "editor" became free they'd pull something from the head of the queue, give it a cursory glance for obvious potential legal issues, and 99% of the time accept it. Anything that sat in the queue for over some threshold of time (probably 72 hours or so to satisfy their "response within days" marketing claim) would receive an automated form rejection. The result would be practically random rejections. If I were the slightest concerned with quality, I'd have the queue program show the editors a short excerpt and let them pick anything from anywhere in the queue (but with the proviso that they not spend more than a few minutes looking). That'd weed out the worst books, at least. But I doubt PA do that. First come, first accepted.

aruna
01-07-2007, 09:37 PM
My roomie suggests "The Crack of Atlanta", with Travis being a plumber.

Ouch! Poor Sharla!

JulieB
01-07-2007, 09:38 PM
Bwah. You guys rock.

T. Nielsen Hayden
01-07-2007, 09:39 PM
Glory, glory! Congratulations to you all!

Special thanks to whomever it was that wrote the bit about "the new Tescos in south Clapham." Reading that line was like stepping on a stairstep that wasn't there.

Do the character names spell out a message this time?

aruna
01-07-2007, 09:41 PM
Hey! Howcome Sharla doesn't get nifty cover blurbs like Travis did?

You mean on the back cover? I just didn't see any option for that. Perhaps someone could explain how to go about it!

Also, the next phase is that Sharla is going to get her own website, where her masterpiece can be donwloaded for free. This is so that PA authors (or aspiring PA authors) can have a look for free at who they're keeping company with. But I need someone to dothe website for me. I am no good with that sort of stuff.

aruna
01-07-2007, 09:47 PM
Do the character names spell out a message this time?

Did they? I didn't get that at all. No, the names were chosen fairly randomly.

Old Hack
01-07-2007, 09:59 PM
This is one of my very favourite bits in the whole book (not that I've been able to read it sober, you understand):


QUOTE
If she got this job it would be the turning point in her life, all right, Nancy was very ambitious, she was going to go far, She would work her way up and who know’s, one day she might be hairdresser to the stars, Posh Beckham and that lot. LOL! All she had to do was play her cards right and meet the right people and in London that was easy. In Eastbourne it was not so easy, she was tired of doing blue rinses for OAPs, always chatting about their grandchildren and their arthritis and youhad to smile and preted you were interested.
(Eastbourne has many OAPs and is situated on the South Coast of England, nestling at the foot of the South Downs. Eastbourne welcomes over 4 million visitors every year with a busy programme of events and shows, all year round outdoor pursuits, spectacular coast and countryside and of course the traditional seaside holiday. The South Downs Way, near Eastboune, takes in picturesque villages and stunning scenery. It is suitable for walkers, horse-riders and mountain bikes.
The Sussex Heritage Coast is the finest example of unprotected chalk cliffs in Britain and includes the famous Beachy Head and Seven Sisters cliffs.
Beachy Head is the highest chalk sea cliff in Britain. At 530 feet high the majestic white cliffs provide magnificent views over Eastbourne and the Channel.)
END QUOTE

I just love that bit about Eastbourne. And I think that chapter was written by a certain Sharon Maas, who deserves a medal for her truly amazing prose.

Aruna, I might have suggested this first but it was your dedication to the cause which got it all done. You've worked tirelessly on this, and have to take most of the credit: or is that the blame?

underthecity
01-07-2007, 10:07 PM
So, what are the plans with this book?

A group of you wrote it, you submitted it to PA, they accepted it and issued a contract. Then you had Lulu print it.

Why didn't you go all the way with PA? You could have done the Option 3, where they do their full "edit," gotten your cover; you could have even infiltrated the PAMB. What fun you could have had.

Will you do a press release about this? Post PA's acceptance letter? Is this sting ms bound to become an internet legend like Purple Pony and Atlanta Nights?

What's the ultimate goal? It seems like a lot of work for 21 authors for it to end on this thread.

allen

Christine N.
01-07-2007, 10:11 PM
Because we'll sell more copies through Lulu, and actually GET the money for the copies that DO sell. It'll be accurate.

All for a good cause, of course.

Like aruna said, the original intent was to splash the story over Britian, since those were the markets that were interested in the story. The book was "done" long ago (well, it was pretty much done before it started, but that's another story altogether) and might have died (maybe better) if not for Tsu Dho Nimh taking it and submitting it from this side of the Pond.

I'm just happy to see it. Makes me grin.

Is there a foward, explaning why this terrible thing was written?

maestrowork
01-07-2007, 10:12 PM
I must say, I am proud to be, FINALLY, a PA author! I told you all a couple of years ago that I would go with PA... you didn't believe me. I am glad I don't have to eat my words. (Chapter 26 is mine)

:D


Buy the book. It's for a good cause and benefits AbsoluteWrite.

p.s. oh, when does the Press Release go out? When do we do a group signing? Are y'all going to RWA convention?

kristie911
01-07-2007, 10:12 PM
Oh, you guys are priceless. Love it, love it, love it!

maestrowork
01-07-2007, 10:17 PM
You mean on the back cover? I just didn't see any option for that. Perhaps someone could explain how to go about it!

I think you just put the blurbs in the backcover graphics and upload the file.

Atomic Bear
01-07-2007, 10:18 PM
Tee hee. It really was hard to write that badly. I had to un-learn all the good stuff people have taught me.
Yeah, well, it's no Eye of Argon, but I did my best :D


At some Sci-Fi/Fantasy conventions a group reads the Eye of Argon at midnight. The idea is the read as much as you can before you start laughing too much. Maybe this book will be read at Romance Writting conventions.

James D. Macdonald
01-07-2007, 10:18 PM
The initials of the characters' names in Atlanta Nights spelled out "PublishAmerica is a vanity press."

You can add text to the back cover as an option when you're doing the covers.

Log in to your account. Go to "My Recent Projects." Click on the title. Near the bottom of the next screen (on the right, in blue) is a Create New Revision button. Click it. You're back in the same sequence that you saw when you were creating the book to start with. Hit the "Save and Continue" button until you reach "Cover art." There you'll see the prompt "Click on a cover section to modify it." Click on "Back." You'll get a picture of your back cover, with a text box labeled "Description." That's where you can enter the text to appear on your back cover.

From there, "Save and Continue" to the end, and finish with "Complete Project."

maestrowork
01-07-2007, 10:21 PM
Is there a foward, explaning why this terrible thing was written?

I do understand Underthecity's concern, though. If all we get is a contract and a Lulu book, it seems it falls short of exposing PA for what it is, again (since we already had Atlanta Nights).

I think we can get a story out of this ("PA Strikes Again"). I would be so happy to talk about Crack of Death at conferences. Every writer should know about it and Altanta Nights.


Kudos to everyone involved to keep mum about this for so long. It was difficult not to talk about it.

Old Hack
01-07-2007, 10:29 PM
Yep, a press release needs to go out, and a story or two written about this. After all, it was done to expose the sort of rubbish PA is willing to publish, and if we don't publicise it, we don't expose it. Volunteers, anyone?

aruna
01-07-2007, 10:36 PM
This book was written over a year ago. PublishBritannica was still going strong at the time. I spent the first couple months of 2006 putting it together - slowly. I submitted it to PublishBritannica - and I was speaking to BBC Watchdog at the time; they were closely watching - and it was rejected, with the note that PB was no longer accepting submissions. After that PB folded.

I could have let COD die after that, but I felt it was too good to waste.

We have learned thorugh this that PA is still acceptimg any rubbish. There wre rumours that they are getting more careful, that they are actualy reading mss and rejecting many. This proves that it's just not true.

Aspiring PA writers can read it and see what company they will keep once accepted. And they can learn that this Lulu book took me all of 5 minutes to publish. No kidding. Me, a Tech nitwit. For free. And I can sell it at a reasonable price.

Apart from that if we had let it be published by PA it would have taken several montths longer to get out there and we'd already waited so long. And who knows, PA might not have given us back our rights, just out of spite. THAT would have been a waste.

Christine N.
01-07-2007, 10:38 PM
Yeah, that would have been funny. Them holding that precious, hideous book hostage.

aruna
01-07-2007, 10:42 PM
Miss Snark might be interested, though she's still busy with the Crapometer.

Christine N.
01-07-2007, 10:44 PM
Done. She might not get to my e-mail for a couple of days, but it's in her box.

aruna
01-07-2007, 10:46 PM
Thanks, James, for the instructions. I'll do it tomorrow. Oh, and my account is working again. I rebooted the PC and then it was OK. OK, I'm off now. Hope you all have a nice publicity campaign going by the time I check back in!

James D. Macdonald
01-07-2007, 10:47 PM
Send a copy to POD-dy Mouth.

Maprilynne
01-07-2007, 11:01 PM
Oh dear! Shame on you all!;)

Maprilynne

Christine N.
01-07-2007, 11:04 PM
Miss Snark says...


"where crap goes to die"...
hilarious!!

You'll forgive me for not buying a copy, I fear my eyeballs would
spontaneously combust.

MS

AnneMarble
01-07-2007, 11:05 PM
I just love that bit about Eastbourne. And I think that chapter was written by a certain Sharon Maas, who deserves a medal for her truly amazing prose.
That was priceless. I'm surprised she didn't mention that Beachy Head is famous for suicides or mention the famous Edwardian (?) murder in Eastbourne. ;)

When the download becomes available, I'm going to have to send the link to my friend in Eastbourne. :D

aruna
01-07-2007, 11:11 PM
The initials of the characters' names in Atlanta Nights spelled out "PublishAmerica is a vanity press."

You can add text to the back cover as an option when you're doing the covers.

Log in to your account. Go to "My Recent Projects." Click on the title. Near the bottom of the next screen (on the right, in blue) is a Create New Revision button. Click it. You're back in the same sequence that you saw when you were creating the book to start with. Hit the "Save and Continue" button until you reach "Cover art." There you'll see the prompt "Click on a cover section to modify it." Click on "Back." You'll get a picture of your back cover, with a text box labeled "Description." That's where you can enter the text to appear on your back cover.

From there, "Save and Continue" to the end, and finish with "Complete Project."

OK, I've done the back cover now. Thanks! I can't believe how easy this stuff is.

TwentyFour
01-07-2007, 11:13 PM
Why didn't you just let them publish it then say it was a sting?

aruna
01-07-2007, 11:15 PM
That was priceless. I'm surprised she didn't mention that Beachy Head is famous for suicides or mention the famous Edwardian (?) murder in Eastbourne. ;)

When the download becomes available, I'm going to have to send the link to my friend in Eastbourne. :D

Sigh. You force me to reveal the following excerpt form the last chapter:


Nancy was now pumped full of adrenaline from the exciting chase on the pear, and so she simply flew along the road as far as the car would carry her, pressing her dainty foot down on the gas. She remembered the beauty spot Beachy Head, the memory shot into her thoughts.
Beachy Head is the most famous part of the Eastbourne Downland. Beachy Head and is the highest chalk sea cliff in Britain and rises 162 metres (530 feet) above the sea below. The main reason for Beachy Head's popularity is the wonderful panoramic view which can be seen from the cliff top. If you look east you see the beaches and town of Eastbourne, the Pier and the Harbour, and then on to Chesapeake Bay and Tokyo and, on an exceptionally clear day, Kansas City, nearly 40 miles away. Looking west, you can see even further, up to 70 miles, past Santiago to Toronto and Bangkok and then on to Nairobi near Amsterdam in West Sussex. On a very clear day the outline of the Statue of Livery can be seen. But its history reveals a darker side. Since the 1600s it's been a popular location for suicide attempts. Eastbourne Parish Register contains entries of deaths at Beachy Head dating back to 1600 and by the middle of the 20th Century there were an average of 6-7 deaths p.a. At the tail-end of the 1990’s it had crept up to an average of 17 p.a. PA not meaning PA but Per Annum, just in case you were wondering. Between the years 1965-1989, an in-depth study of deaths at Beachy Head was made by Dr. John Surtees (1997 pp. 125-136) – a cumulative total of 250. His research looked into the causes of death, injuries sustained, factors relating to the circumstances of the deaths and the resultant verdicts. Perfect for me, Nancy thought thinking over these statistics as she raced along the road, Garry close on her tail, if only I can shake off that bustard.


By Aruna, sometime Eastbourne resident

Old Hack
01-07-2007, 11:16 PM
Just a thought: UK-based writers like me and Aruna can't do much PR for this in America, as we're really not in touch with the best places to send press releases off to. But many of the contributors are US-based, and are published. It might be worth speaking with their editors or PR people to see if a little extra publicity (for both their "real" work, and COD) might be generated from their involvement in this project. If they feel willing to admit to it!

PS Eastbourne is a fascinating place. I must visit it again. Fancy that view. You wrote that too, didn't you, Sharon?

maestrowork
01-07-2007, 11:21 PM
Yep, a press release needs to go out, and a story or two written about this. After all, it was done to expose the sort of rubbish PA is willing to publish, and if we don't publicise it, we don't expose it. Volunteers, anyone?


If someone writes the PR (I'm no good at it or else I'd volunteer), I'd be glad to send it to all my media contacts.

maestrowork
01-07-2007, 11:25 PM
Nancy was now pumped full of adrenaline from the exciting chase on the pear, and so she simply flew along the road as far as the car would carry her, pressing her dainty foot down on the gas. She remembered the beauty spot Beachy Head, the memory shot into her thoughts.
Beachy Head is the most famous part of the Eastbourne Downland. Beachy Head and is the highest chalk sea cliff in Britain and rises 162 metres (530 feet) above the sea below. The main reason for Beachy Head's popularity is the wonderful panoramic view which can be seen from the cliff top. If you look east you see the beaches and town of Eastbourne, the Pier and the Harbour, and then on to Chesapeake Bay and Tokyo and, on an exceptionally clear day, Kansas City, nearly 40 miles away. Looking west, you can see even further, up to 70 miles, past Santiago to Toronto and Bangkok and then on to Nairobi near Amsterdam in West Sussex. On a very clear day the outline of the Statue of Livery can be seen. But its history reveals a darker side. Since the 1600s it's been a popular location for suicide attempts. Eastbourne Parish Register contains entries of deaths at Beachy Head dating back to 1600 and by the middle of the 20th Century there were an average of 6-7 deaths p.a. At the tail-end of the 1990’s it had crept up to an average of 17 p.a. PA not meaning PA but Per Annum, just in case you were wondering. Between the years 1965-1989, an in-depth study of deaths at Beachy Head was made by Dr. John Surtees (1997 pp. 125-136) – a cumulative total of 250. His research looked into the causes of death, injuries sustained, factors relating to the circumstances of the deaths and the resultant verdicts. Perfect for me, Nancy thought thinking over these statistics as she raced along the road, Garry close on her tail, if only I can shake off that bustard.

This actually reads like The Da Vinci Code. Great job!

:D

Tsu Dho Nimh
01-07-2007, 11:28 PM
Also, the next phase is that Sharla is going to get her own website, where her masterpiece can be donwloaded for free. This is so that PA authors (or aspiring PA authors) can have a look for free at who they're keeping company with. But I need someone to do the website for me. I am no good with that sort of stuff.

Along with drug-dealing, crutch-flashing and knicker obsessing, Sharla also knows basic HTML and web design :)

Do you need a host, or will she use the same one as Travis.

Bartholomew
01-07-2007, 11:30 PM
Next time there's a sting book against PA, let me in. I can write the crappiest prose you ever did see, shucks.

Old Hack
01-07-2007, 11:33 PM
You're only jealous.

(Me too. I think it's brilliant writing.)



That was addressed to Maestro, but people are posting here so quickly tonight that others got in between us. As it were.

mdin
01-07-2007, 11:35 PM
:(

I didn't know the writing was supposed to be bad.

Here's a snippet from my chapter, #7:



They were alone in the field with not a soul in site and she began to peel herself like a banana. "I want you to give it to me so bad."
He rolled on top of her and groaned "Oh Nancy."
She burst into tears "But Duane my name is Rosita."
"Not tonight baby."

Tsu Dho Nimh
01-07-2007, 11:46 PM
I think we can get a story out of this ("PA Strikes Again"). I would be so happy to talk about Crack of Death at conferences. Every writer should know about it and Altanta Nights.


Kudos to everyone involved to keep mum about this for so long. It was difficult not to talk about it.

It was even more difficult to read it!

I will be doing a review real soon on associatedcontent.com - they have pretty good RSS feeds to their subscriber sites - and follow up with an article on PA's expolitation of the aspiring authors.

DamaNegra
01-07-2007, 11:48 PM
Excellent job :D You guys are the best!!

Actually, I've had to restrain myself from pouring out my boredon on badly made prose mixing spanish english french and suomi (not that I know suomi, btw) with no plot whatsoever and sending it off just to have the privilege of an acceptance letter to boost my mood when I feel like quitting :D

Old Hack
01-07-2007, 11:52 PM
Next time there's a sting book against PA, let me in. I can write the crappiest prose you ever did see, shucks.

There's nothing stopping you from recruiting a few friends and seeing what you can all come up with, now, is there?

Just remember to tell us all about it when you're done.

CatSlave
01-08-2007, 12:18 AM
Our wonderful turkey hatched this morning, 6 am GMT.
Its name is Crack of Death, by Sharla Tann.

PublishAmerica has decided to give this book "the chance it deserves". We have the hard copy contract; however, we (Tsu Dho Nimh, Old Hack and myself) have decided to publish it ourselves instead.

You can view it at

http://www.lulu.com/content/609156

You guys ROCK !!
Five thumbs up. :) :) :)

CatSlave
01-08-2007, 12:22 AM
There's nothing stopping you from recruiting a few friends and seeing what you can all come up with, now, is there?

Sting-of-the-Month Club?

Diane
01-08-2007, 12:54 AM
PA not meaning PA but Per Annum, just in case you were wondering.

They really didn't read this book, did they?

James D. Macdonald
01-08-2007, 01:12 AM
A correspondent writes to me to offer a correction.

It seems that Miranda isn't the only one who can reject books at PA.

The acquisitions editor can reject books that are too short (though given that they've published short stories in book form, it's hard to imagine where the line is), books in journal format, illustrated children's books, books by persons under 18, previously-published books, and books that arrive from anywhere except the USA and Canada.

The rest -- the mind-rippingly bad writing, the kiddie porn, the ultraviolence, the hate literature, the quack medicine and crackpot science -- Miranda has to reject personally. And Miranda accepts an awful lot. I expect that she accepts everything that's better-written than her own work.

James D. Macdonald
01-08-2007, 01:17 AM
...with no plot whatsoever and sending it off just to have the privilege of an acceptance letter to boost my mood when I feel like quitting.

Then you could join the elite ranks of Published Authors! You could be one of the ones who are helping to darf that Goliath Publishing Biz!

But you'd have to submit from inside the USA. They apparently reject submissions from Mexico, perhaps laboring under the misapprehension that Mexico isn't part of the americas.

(I wonder if they reject manuscripts that arrive from New Mexico?)

CatSlave
01-08-2007, 01:28 AM
A correspondent writes to me to offer a correction.

It seems that Miranda isn't the only one who can reject books at PA.

The acquisitions editor can reject books that are too short (though given that they've published short stories in book form, it's hard to imagine where the line is), books in journal format, illustrated children's books, books by persons under 18, previously-published books, and books that arrive from anywhere except the USA and Canada.

The rest -- the mind-rippingly bad writing, the kiddie porn, the ultraviolence, the hate literature, the quack medicine and crackpot science -- Miranda has to reject personally. And Miranda accepts an awful lot. I expect that she accepts everything that's better-written than her own work.

In that case, perhaps Miranda herself accepted Crack of Death.
What a hoot!

Gillhoughly
01-08-2007, 03:01 AM
I love you guys. (In a nice, non-squicky way, of course).

You know PA won't expect to have ANOTHER sting right after this one.

Wha'd'ya say sending them another this week--but I want in on writing a chapter!!! I can do one that has absolutely nothing to do with the book's actual plot. It will come from another book entirely and I can write it in another language--that is, English that's been passed through an online translator--just to make things interesting.

"It was a dark and stormy night" --- after going from English to Croatian to Italian to Finnish to German to English again turns into:

"Interest ever brilliance involr storied notte."

Chances are good they won't notice.

Hm. There's another idea: take alternate chapters from this one and Atlanta Nights and layer them together for the next sting. Notify CNN.

:snorple:

SC Harrison
01-08-2007, 03:08 AM
"Statue of Livery"...

Sharon, you just made me spew coffee on my keyboard.

Rolling Thunder
01-08-2007, 03:15 AM
Somebody needs to send a copy to David Letterman, especially if anyone has a connection to get it through to him.

He could have a fresh segment on his show; Stupid Publisher Tricks.

The first and second worst books ever published? What a ratings bonanza.

CatSlave
01-08-2007, 03:24 AM
Wonder when we'll see the "we knew it all the time" disclaimer.

Arkie
01-08-2007, 03:27 AM
Wonder when we'll see the "we knew it all the time" disclaimer.

Well, that's the problem isn't it? Unless PA actually publishes the book, they can always say we would have caught it during the editing phase.

Christine N.
01-08-2007, 03:39 AM
How? I think I spelled everything correctly. Even the sentence where I said that this book really sucked and if they didn't know it by now, shame on them. I know that the passage where I asked who wrote this crap was grammatically correct.

Ok, so I spelled the chapter number wrong. Shoot me.

spike
01-08-2007, 04:10 AM
Sting-of-the-Month Club?

Can I join? Please? Can I put that on my resume?

James D. Macdonald
01-08-2007, 04:53 AM
...they can always say we would have caught it during the editing phase.

Too late for that, PA. Y'all already offered a contract.

Alan Yee
01-08-2007, 05:14 AM
Sharon, you're tempting me to give my "novel" another chance. I started on one last spring, but what do you know? I ended up writing serious stuff instead.

I forgot about it until now. It might be of interest to my future fans, because two of the characters (albeit a much better version of them) ended up being the stars of my "real" novel. That would require me to finish this "novel," of course...

It was supposed to be for the benefit of AW, but things happened and it didn't get finished.

DamaNegra
01-08-2007, 05:27 AM
But you'd have to submit from inside the USA. They apparently reject submissions from Mexico, perhaps laboring under the misapprehension that Mexico isn't part of the americas.

Tsk tsk, discrimination, I say! I'm going to take a tone with them!

MadScientistMatt
01-08-2007, 05:50 AM
I'd be willing to send it in for you, Dama. Or even bulk it up with a bunch of junk files on my hard drive (lab reports I wrote in college and that sort of stuff) if your word count is too low. :)

Alan Yee
01-08-2007, 05:54 AM
Tsk tsk, discrimination, I say! I'm going to take a tone with them!

Or... how about you send ME a chapter. It doesn't have to relate in any way to what I've written or the other contributors have written (though it can). Come on, what do you have to lose?

Alan Yee
01-08-2007, 05:57 AM
Glory, glory! Congratulations to you all!

Special thanks to whomever it was that wrote the bit about "the new Tescos in south Clapham." Reading that line was like stepping on a stairstep that wasn't there.

Do the character names spell out a message this time?

Oh, Teresa. I have a special treat for you in mine, that you should recognize. You'll see when it's ready.

Tsu Dho Nimh
01-08-2007, 06:10 AM
Ok, so I spelled the chapter number wrong. Shoot me.

I may have corrected it. I didn't want their spell checker to rat us out.

batgirl
01-08-2007, 06:11 AM
You guys are the wind under my wings. Metaphorical batwings, of course.

Alan, I have the first half of a story I wrote in my late teens, heavily influenced by 1970s Shaw Bros. movies. Maybe you and I and Dama could alternate chapters until the wordcount was sufficient?
-Barbara

Alan Yee
01-08-2007, 06:18 AM
Alan, I have the first half of a story I wrote in my late teens, heavily influenced by 1970s Shaw Bros. movies. Maybe you and I and Dama could alternate chapters until the wordcount was sufficient?
-Barbara

You see, I already planned mine out months ago, so it might not fit. Of course, none of it makes any sense because the continuity and consistency got thrown out the window.

HapiSofi
01-08-2007, 06:39 AM
A press release would be a good idea -- an essential part of the sting, in fact -- but in meantime, Jim Macdonald posted this morning at Making Light (http://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/008505.html#008505) about the Crack of Doom sting.

AnneMarble
01-08-2007, 07:13 AM
Sigh. You force me to reveal the following excerpt form the last chapter:
:Clap:

That's a classic. Thank you. :D

From someone who has actually walked on the pear in Eastbourne. :)

aruna
01-08-2007, 10:22 AM
How? I think I spelled everything correctly. Even the sentence where I said that this book really sucked and if they didn't know it by now, shame on them. I know that the passage where I asked who wrote this crap was grammatically correct.

Ok, so I spelled the chapter number wrong. Shoot me.

yes, that's why I went through it replacing some words - like pier with pear!

aruna
01-08-2007, 11:28 AM
ANother favourite excerpt:


All of a sudden Garry felt really protective over this pet-eat young girl who looked like a Cindy doll except with a pear-cede lip. He had to protect her no matter what it cost.
‘Nancy’ he said. ‘You’ve got to get away from Roberto. You don’t know what you’ve got yourself into. Your in grave danger. Tell her Lav!’
‘True, t’ings rough out deh, you know, Rasta.’ said Laverne flashing his gold tooth.
‘It’s true Nancy.’ Whispered Garry with a furrowed brow.
‘Yes alright dad. Just ask me your fucking questions and let me go home damn it!’
Garry turned to Laverne. ‘Lav can you get the suitcase.’
Laverne left the small dark room his dread locks swinging vilently behind him.
They were alone.
Garry sighed and stared at Nancy tenderly. ‘I want to help you Nancy. I’m on your side.’
For a split second Nancy could see the truth in his icey pear-sing blue eyes. Garry was a good man she could tell, but how could Roberto be a lying drug barren? She’d seen the pain in his eyes when he’d talked about his sick mother. Roberto where are you?

By Skippoo

aruna
01-08-2007, 11:34 AM
OK< I have an offer from someone to create Sharla's website. I just need some text.
I'd like the following:

The lowdown on Publishamerica. Why it is a vanity publisher, why it is a scam, why it should be avoided by serious writers.

The story of how we came to write COD.

Any volunteers to write those two pages?

That's about it; it'll also have the author list and of course the free PDF file

I also visualise a page of excerpts, and a guest book.
My server gives me free webspace, and I'll use that.

aruna
01-08-2007, 11:50 AM
The authors, in order of their appearance:



Sharon Maas
Lady of Prose
Lucia Bibiloni
Sharon Maas
Bufty
Modesta
The NavigatorX
Greg Ballan
Dee Skies
Roger Morris
Sheryl Nantus
James D. Macdonald
Catherine O'Mahony
Dawno
Chris Tricerotops Stevenson
Robin Folks
Mary Hinge
Lucia Biblioni
Paige Turner
Paige Turner
Paige Turner
Aconite
Jane Smith
Christine Norris
Bufty
Raymond K Wong
Sharon MaasAll but three of these are AWers. Good job, folks!

triceretops
01-08-2007, 12:39 PM
Thanks for putting it together, Aruna. It was a long time in the making. PA just doesn't get it do they? Proof positive that nothing is ever read.

Tri

aruna
01-08-2007, 02:51 PM
Next time there's a sting book against PA, let me in. I can write the crappiest prose you ever did see, shucks.

Nothing to it! Why not put out a call for submissions right here. You don't need a coherent (ahem!) story, as in Crack of Death. It can be an experimental novel, or an anthology of short stories. We could do it once a month; they will become collectors items! Imagine it: The Complete Collection of PA Sting Novels!

Old Hack
01-08-2007, 04:21 PM
I'm sure that there are many of us here who might be willing to, um, edit an existing piece of writing by running it through Babelfish a few times so that they have a new story to submit for inclusion. Perhaps this would be better discussed via PM than out on the board, though. If anyone is considering doing something like that do let me in on it. COD was so much fun I'd be happy to do it all again.

aruna
01-08-2007, 04:28 PM
And I woul dbe happy to contribute the odd chapter from COD - maybe run through a translation into German, and back again.

Old Hack
01-08-2007, 04:31 PM
Via Vietnamese and a quick run through Icelandic, though, just to make sure it's in tip-top shape for PA.

KTC
01-08-2007, 04:33 PM
I don't understand why you just didn't do one chapter and repeat it 18 times? Did you have too much time on your hands, people! Lather, rinse, repeat...that's all you need for PA.

KTC
01-08-2007, 04:36 PM
The authors, in order of their appearance:


Sharon Maas
Lady of Prose
Lucia Bibiloni
Sharon Maas
Bufty
Modesta
The NavigatorX
Greg Ballan
Dee Skies
Roger Morris
Sheryl Nantus
James D. Macdonald
Skippoo
Dawno
Chris Tricerotops Stevenson
Robin Folks
Mary Hinge
Lucia Biblioni
Paige Turner
Paige Turner
Paige Turner
Aconite
Jane Smith
Christine Norris
Bufty
Raymond K Wong
Sharon MaasAll but three of these are AWers. Good job, folks!

What if I only want to read James Macdonald's chapter. Can we purchase on a chapter by chapter basis? Not that there's anything wrong with the other chapters. (-;

aruna
01-08-2007, 04:49 PM
I don't understand why you just didn't do one chapter and repeat it 18 times? Did you have too much time on your hands, people! Lather, rinse, repeat...that's all you need for PA.

That's been done before - The Purple Pony, and Dee's book. However, if we are going to make them collectors' items there has to be a reading experience, which would not be the case with the repeat-chapter scenario, People do want their money's worth!

aruna
01-08-2007, 04:50 PM
What if I only want to read James Macdonald's chapter. Can we purchase on a chapter by chapter basis? Not that there's anything wrong with the other chapters. (-;

Wait till the website goes up, there'll be a free version there.

KTC
01-08-2007, 04:52 PM
That's been done before - The Purple Pony, and Dee's book. However, if we are going to make them collectors' items there has to be a reading experience, which would not be the case with the repeat-chapter scenario, People do want their money's worth!

I enjoy a good loop. Makes me feel the viability of restarting a drug addiction. But that's just one opinion.

KTC
01-08-2007, 04:54 PM
Wait till the website goes up, there'll be a free version there.

You say this now. That will all be history once the movie rights are grabbed up. Nothing will be for free anymore. I wouldn't even be able to talk you into a free action figure then. It will all be about the money once Hollywood gets its golden little fingers on this puppy!

aruna
01-08-2007, 04:54 PM
I enjoy a good loop. Makes me feel the viability of restarting a drug addiction. But that's just one opinion.

But would you pay $10 for it?

spike
01-08-2007, 05:21 PM
This is wonderful news. I'll put a post on my blog (not that I have a lot of readers) about it. Although I do agree with Underthecity, the Kool Aid drinkers will say that it wasn't really published. But everyone else will know it was offered a contract.

I do believe this will save some authors from PA-Hell, however, it won't save all of them. There will still be too many people suffering from Golden Word Syndrome (I am a recovering GWS sufferer), who say, "But my book is different. Mine is GOOD!".

Has anyone thought about getting a group of authors together to each submit garbage, let PA print it, then ignore it? I believe I read that it costs PA $300 for each book. 100 authors would cost them $30,000. I know I have enough junk in my journal that would make a terrible book.

And to the PA lurkers: Isn't it funny that PA rejects more from their currently published authors than new authors?

triceretops
01-08-2007, 06:23 PM
Several PA authors have complained that PA hasn't picked them up for their second or third books. They stated that their manuscripts were good and polished. And I would believe that the stories might have been good enough for print.

But...look what PA just accepted for publication above your manuscripts. How does that make you feel? Insignificant? Lied too?

Tri

JerseyGirl1962
01-08-2007, 07:06 PM
:roll:

Fantastic stuff!

I went over to the Making Light blog, where Sharon pasted something from I forget which chapter:

"The last he wanted today was a trip to the crooner’s office."

Bing Crosby or Frank Sinatra, anyone? :tongue

~Nancy

James D. Macdonald
01-08-2007, 07:13 PM
But...look what PA just accepted for publication above your manuscripts. How does that make you feel? Insignificant? Lied to?

Tri

The number one reason PA doesn't accept a second manuscript from an author is that the author didn't buy enough copies of their first book.

Sparhawk
01-08-2007, 08:22 PM
Man what a fun book! Aruna, thank you so much for allowing me the priveledge of pretending to be Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer for a chapter. I am proud to see my name up there with so many fantastic talents.

Old Hack
01-08-2007, 08:38 PM
Careful, Sparhawk--I wrote a chapter too, you know.

allenparker
01-08-2007, 09:02 PM
The number one reason PA doesn't accept a second manuscript from an author is that the author didn't buy enough copies of their first book.

Oh, I long for the days when they required you to submit your next work, like they cared where they got books.

Perhaps PA has simply forgotten that little trick.

Congrats to all of you.

aka eraser
01-08-2007, 09:07 PM
Congratulations folks. Well done. :Thumbs:

Ken Schneider
01-08-2007, 09:21 PM
Or this, from the notorious Chapter 16:


http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/icons/icon12.gif

aruna
01-08-2007, 09:24 PM
http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/icons/icon12.gif

Go on, fess up, Ken!

Ken Schneider
01-08-2007, 09:38 PM
Okay.

I switched back and forth from first to third person so many times, even I got lost.

That book is too funny. It is so ridiculous that it's entertaining. Ah ha, that's what they saw in it. Reminded them of a Shemp title.

Sparhawk
01-08-2007, 10:13 PM
Okay.

I switched back and forth from first to third person so many times, even I got lost.

That book is too funny. It is so ridiculous that it's entertaining. Ah ha, that's what they saw in it. Reminded them of a Shemp title.


:roll: Good One, Ken. Many points for you

aruna
01-08-2007, 10:23 PM
I thought you;d like to know a little bit about the author. Sharla Tann:


I'm a country girl at heart, being born and raised in a poor rural area of Montana. My parents uprooted us when we were young and we moved to Phoenix in search of employment. I was not popular at the new school so I amused me making up stories in my head about being back in my old home town. Later I wrote them down.

I had a short marriage to a man in the Navy, but he ran around on me and finally divorced me and married the slut. We are now divorced, with no children, which is a blessing. A failed marriage would be a terrible burden to have on a child.

Many temporary jobs have employed me since the divorce. I was working part time recently and it gave me time to write my first novel. A romantic thriller in an exotic country I have never visited but would like to some day. England has always been fascinating for me. I researched real hard to get the details and the slang right for my heroine.

My heroine Nancy experiences the thrilling excitement that has escaped my life and she will carry that thrill to others I am sure. Since drugs are a big problem nowadays she is trapped in the drug trade big time and is only rescued by the skin of her teeth and the hero.

I am now working at a good job in a call center for a big credit card company now and my dream continues - I want to be a author with a published book. While writing, it is so hard to get published. I was rejected by agents and publishers because it is my first novel. When I saw the Publish America advertisement on an article about getting published it was really like an answer to my prayers from Heaven. Being that so few publishers are willing to give a new writer the time of day or a chance.

I would really like to use my childhood maiden name, Tann, for when you publish my romantic thriller. I don't want to use my exe's name. If he divorced me his name doesn't deserve to be on a published romantic thriller. I will be going to court soon to change my name back to my maiden name.

**************

AnneMarble
01-08-2007, 10:39 PM
I thought you;d like to know a little bit about the author. Sharla Tann:
The skin of her teeth sounds like a great character. I think this calls for a sequel. The skin of her teeth should get its own book! :D

Hmmm....

aruna
01-08-2007, 11:51 PM
Just wanted to say that Tsu Dho Nimh, not I, wrote that bio for Sharla, so give her your rps, not me! It's as good as anything inside the book; very authentic amd inspiring.

maestrowork
01-09-2007, 01:59 AM
What if I only want to read James Macdonald's chapter. Can we purchase on a chapter by chapter basis? Not that there's anything wrong with the other chapters. (-;

What, you don't think *I* deserve some royalties from this? I worked hard, okay?

Sheryl Nantus
01-09-2007, 02:07 AM
What, you don't think *I* deserve some royalties from this? I worked hard, okay?

we'll pool our royalties and buy the Penguins!

*falls off chair laughing*

:roll:

Christine N.
01-09-2007, 02:13 AM
Bwhahahaha!

Yeah, I plan on retiring with my share.

:D

Ken Schneider
01-09-2007, 02:27 AM
If Robin Folks, get it, robbin' folks, anyway, gets royalties, he'll turn them over to the how not to write fund.

Alan Yee
01-09-2007, 02:33 AM
Wait a minute... when I asked some of the people on that list if they wanted to contribute to mine, at least two or three of them said no. I asked those people last spring.

Some of you have some serious explaining to do... There's only a few, but they know who they are.

ETA: Never mind. It would be fun anyway.

Tsu Dho Nimh
01-09-2007, 04:03 AM
OK< I have an offer from someone to create Sharla's website. I just need some text.
I'd like the following:

The lowdown on Publishamerica. Why it is a vanity publisher, why it is a scam, why it should be avoided by serious writers.

The story of how we came to write COD.

Any volunteers to write those two pages?

That's about it; it'll also have the author list and of course the free PDF file

I also visualise a page of excerpts, and a guest book.
My server gives me free webspace, and I'll use that.

I can get the "why" from some of Jim's posts ... the new-style vanity press can get printing cheaply enough that they can afford to wait for your money ... if they get enough suckers, they can make a lot of money from them, $12.50 at a time.

James D. Macdonald
01-09-2007, 04:57 AM
Wait a minute... when I asked some of the people on that list if they wanted to contribute to mine, at least two or three of them said no. I asked those people last spring.

In my case, by that time I'd already written chapters for two sting novels, and one contract-breaker novel. I don't need to write an infinite number of chapters. Someone else can do the next set.

Atomic Bear
01-09-2007, 06:37 AM
...and one contract-breaker novel.
What is that?

James D. Macdonald
01-09-2007, 09:15 AM
At one time PA's contract required that an author submit their next book as well.

An author who didn't want to submit their real next book wanted a block of text to submit, to get off that hook. Several people contributed text to the effort.

Atomic Bear
01-09-2007, 09:29 AM
LOL. I kind of figured it was something like that.

Thanks Jim.

PeeDee
01-09-2007, 10:31 AM
The next time you fine folk do a sting book like this, would someone PLEASE let me know? I would love to write a chapter. :D

(I want to read this one. I adored Atlanta Nights, until I discovered slush piles and realized it was only a joke because it was on purpose).

aruna
01-09-2007, 10:57 AM
. :D

(I want to read this one. I adored Atlanta Nights, until I discovered slush piles and realized it was only a joke because it was on purpose).

That's hard to believe. Don't tell me stuff like this really gets written? I was so paranoid about them noticing how bad chapter one was that I wrote a prologue which was just - boring.

PeeDee
01-09-2007, 11:01 AM
I've seen worse than the worst chapter in Atlanta Nights, and I"ve only been doing this editing bit for a short while.

I wish I could be more specific, because you would flip your lid. But I can't. Or rather, I won't, because that's unkind

Believe me, some days I WISH I had chapters so well written as these... :)

aruna
01-09-2007, 01:09 PM
Well, if anyone's preparing anything new, I'll be happy to participate. I'm begining to think that I write bad better than I write good.... just reading my bad stuff I can see how i could have improved it,
For instance, "A hand snaked out" could have been baddified to "A hand emerged like a snake..."
I think my work needed a few more revisions. Ah well. Next time.

Tsu Dho Nimh
01-09-2007, 05:53 PM
Unfortunately, their software ate the cover photo, and I yhave a typo in the subtitle, but it's up.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/120377/book_review_the_crack_of_death_by_sharla.html

BTW, the published authors of PA are busily downrating all my articles. One complained her articles were being rejected and I told her why - her writing is poor. That usually brings a horde of them swarming all over the offending critic's articles, giving it low ratings. What they don't realize is that they are running UP my page view count, which is what really determines pay.

PVish
01-09-2007, 06:07 PM
Well, if anyone's preparing anything new, I'll be happy to participate. I'm begining to think that I write bad better than I write good.... .

Uh, I've got 3 and a half chapters of a lousy book my dog was writing before he lost interest and moved to another project. If someone wanted to add a few more chapters and then pass it to some one else, etc. . . .

aruna
01-09-2007, 06:15 PM
OK, things are getting serious. I need that article on PublishAmerica ASAP.... who's doing it???

aruna
01-09-2007, 10:28 PM
The website is coming along nicely.
While we;re at it, I thought we could put in some pages of "tone" letters.
if you have a tone letter you'd like to see out there, send it to me at sw.maas @ gmail.com

CatSlave
01-09-2007, 10:43 PM
Unfortunately, their software ate the cover photo, and I yhave a typo in the subtitle, but it's up.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/120377/book_review_the_crack_of_death_by_sharla.html

BTW, the published authors of PA are busily downrating all my articles. One complained her articles were being rejected and I told her why - her writing is poor. That usually brings a horde of them swarming all over the offending critic's articles, giving it low ratings. What they don't realize is that they are running UP my page view count, which is what really determines pay.

Oooh, oooh, please share so we can read them too!

Christine N.
01-10-2007, 03:33 AM
Have we had any reply from PA yet? Anyone know which 'editor' accepted it? I'd love to know if the editor showed it to Miranda, and what happened to him/her once The Stooges found out.

Yeah, I'm surprised the editor didn't flag the 'script. I must've written The Three Stooges at least three times in a single paragraph. Of course the character didn't want to miss the Stooges on TV, so mebbye the joke was veiled to thinly.

There's a lovely description of a PA editor's day in the comment trail over on Making Light. If the author agrees, I think we should transplant it here for all to see.

CatSlave
01-10-2007, 04:26 AM
There's a lovely description of a PA editor's day in the comment trail over on Making Light. If the author agrees, I think we should transplant it here for all to see.

I hope the author agrees. It's a story that should be told, especially for the benefit of the current PA employees and the writers considering signing on with PA. Truth IS stranger than fiction sometimes.

Ken Schneider
01-10-2007, 04:38 AM
My son is doing his master's study at the Scripts School of Journalism.

I sent him to the Crack of Death site for a reading. Tee Hee.

JulieB
01-10-2007, 04:48 AM
You cruel man! ;-)

Dawno
01-10-2007, 06:14 AM
Chapter 14 here - I'm finally a published writter!

James D. Macdonald
01-10-2007, 07:28 AM
Y'mean -- you're not a Hater whose book was Rejected by PublishAmerica and therefore Totally Jealous of the Talent of Others?

aruna
01-10-2007, 08:57 AM
There's a lovely description of a PA editor's day in the comment trail over on Making Light. If the author agrees, I think we should transplant it here for all to see.

That post - with its author's permission - is going up on the COD website in a prominent position.

AnnaWhite
01-11-2007, 01:51 AM
so mebbye the joke was veiled to thinly.

Wow! Thanks, Aruna, for making it happen.

I must confess that writing really bad prose was rather fun!

I had a veiled reference to the fact that you can't find PA books in any bookstores, which the PA editor obviously did not notice O:O.

"Anyway, Nancy was a brave girl, so she resolved to smile in the face of adversity, which made Cucaracha gnash his teeth all the louder. Muttering and cursing in every language he could remember, he led her to a basement in a squalid block of flats. Kids were hanging around hitting up on the doorsteps, drunken men were singing out of tune and angry matrons were shouting hoarsely at each other. Dirty washing hung out to dry from the windows, and the paint was peeling off the walls. A Mercedes pulled up and a man jumped out wearing a filthy caftan. But that’s another story. In fact, it’s a sequel to this story. So don’t forget to order it. If you can’t find it in the bookshop, which you won’t, you will definitely find it online. But that, also, is another story."

triceretops
01-11-2007, 02:05 AM
Nancy wavered unsteadily and exclaimed, “Oh. My. Gawd.” Her nipples crinkled up like raisins, just as a hot lahars of piddle ran down the inside of her thigh. Her eyes crossed, and then she fell face down in a dead faint into a snow bank of Columbian cocaine.
Larry stood their popeyed, and could feel his testicles shrivel up and suck into his gut. He began to tremble violently.
Not one to be left out of anything, Roberto crapped his new 32-inch waist Dockers and sat down clumsily on a broken picture frame. “We all dead shit, now, “he said ruefully, as Cucaracha made heavy steps across the broken litter to close the distance.

By Jove, I think I really nailed the atmosphere of that one! Yeah, that's it! Mood and atmosphere.

Tina
01-11-2007, 02:36 AM
Why am I foreseeing a day when people proudly announce they own the complete collection of PA sting books?

Upcoming Informercial: The fascinating PA STING (STINK?) collection makes a perfect Christmas/anniversary/Groundhog Day present. Not available in stores. Order in the next fifteen minutes and receive an additional set absolutely FREE, gift-wrapped in PA newsletters. Some conditions may apply. No responsibility will be taken for brain-cell damage or breathing difficulties caused by excessive laughter.

Congratulations one and all!

Old Hack
01-11-2007, 02:44 AM
I thought my bit was bad. But every time I read an exerpt from someone else's chapter I realise I was outdone. It is so very funny. Buy the book, everyone. Buy it now!

Ken Schneider
01-11-2007, 03:55 AM
When folks who have some skills at writing try to write bad, their skill still show through.

Does that make any sense?

Anyway, the story is very funny.

For those left out, and those who did contribute, maybe you should start a story thread and all who cared to could add a chapter.

I know it would be funny good.

Tri can come up with the plot and genre, and write the first chapter, and the rest could run with it.

Tsu Dho Nimh
01-11-2007, 05:21 AM
Oooh, oooh, please share so we can read them too!

http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/10118/tsu_dho_nimh.html

I write miscellaneous stuff - the pay is low, but it's good practice at consumer-style writing instead of my usual geeky stuff.

aruna
01-11-2007, 08:04 AM
OK folks, COD has gone live. It still needs a bit of tweaking - mostly, links need to be put in - but the stuff is all there.

http://www.crackofdeath.com

For me, besides the fun, the core page is "The Inside Story, and I think this more than anything else may make a difference this time. Previosuly, one could dismiss author complaints as whining, But what decent PA author can dismiss this stuff (http://www.crackofdeath.com/pa_employees.htm)?

CatSlave
01-11-2007, 08:35 AM
OK folks, COD has gone live. It still needs a bit of tweaking - mostly, links need to be put in - but the stuff is all there.

http://www.crackofdeath.com

For me, besides the fun, the core page is "The Inside Story, and I think this more than anything else may make a difference this time. Previosuly, one could dismiss author complaints as whining, But what decent PA author can dismiss this stuff (http://www.crackofdeath.com/pa_employees.htm)?

Yo! You the Woman!!

My only suggestion would be to bold the regular white text on the black background for us old farts that have trouble seeing properly. The items that are already bolded seem just fine.

Will the guestbook be available to read also?

Congratulations, and welcome to the world Crack of Death.

aruna
01-11-2007, 08:49 AM
Correction:

a little but essential typo on the Inside Story page:
We are informed that employees are now required to sign non-disclosure agreements when they are hired. They aren't provided copies, of course, which makes knowing what can/should be said hard to discern from what will-get-

Popeyesays
01-11-2007, 08:51 AM
I'm waiting for Ass Crack of Doom about a conspiracy of cable repair guys to use cable television programming to manipulate and control civilization.

Regards,
Scott

CatSlave
01-11-2007, 09:03 AM
OK folks, COD has gone live. It still needs a bit of tweaking - mostly, links need to be put in - but the stuff is all there.

http://www.crackofdeath.com

For me, besides the fun, the core page is "The Inside Story, and I think this more than anything else may make a difference this time. Previosuly, one could dismiss author complaints as whining, But what decent PA author can dismiss this stuff (http://www.crackofdeath.com/pa_employees.htm)?

And WHEN are the refrigerator magnets and bookmarks going to be available, hmmm?
You can't sell this turkey without marketing, you know.

aruna
01-11-2007, 09:19 AM
Yo! You the Woman!!

My only suggestion would be to bold the regular white text on the black background for us old farts that have trouble seeing properly. The items that are already bolded seem just fine.



Yes, I'm having that problem myself, glad you mentioned it. I thought it was just me - I left my reading glasses in England and have been struggling without them for the last few weeks. I'll mention it to Julie.

aruna
01-11-2007, 09:41 AM
Just a little request: don;t post this link anywhere yet, till the little glitches are resolved.

And I know a great place to publicize COD: The Frederick News! Remember that thread they had there a few months back? I bet it'll be interesting for the good people of Frederick to know what kind of employer is in their midst.

aruna
01-11-2007, 04:50 PM
Thanks to Uncle Jim who converted my text into a pdf file, I've been able to revise the Crack of Death on Lulu and reduce the price. The new edition is now only 9.20 - and AW gets a few cents more on every copy sold!

Also, I've revised the blurb/back cover, which now reads:


This exciting erotic thriller fiction novel is the emotional, spine-chilling story of the beautiful hairdresser Nancy whose life spirals out of control when she meets an exotic, Latino hunk. Little does Audrey know, that Roberto is in fact a dangerous Colombian Mafia Drug Barren. Can she escape the clutches of Cucaracha, Espadrillo (aka The Wedgie) and, their Boss the wicked La Madre? From the seething underbelly of Colombian drugs to the evil web of intrigue in London, Nancy is swept up in swirling mail-storm of lust drugs and bloodshed that will change her life if she escapes with it forever right up to the cliffhanger ending where the kindly dashing Scotland Yard detective Garry Lamont crosses swords with intrepid FBI agent Duane Malaysia for her life and love. But is it too late?

I'm sure you'll agree that that's an improvement. And as UJ says, we should now have better sales as well as sells.
I'm getting better at this bad writing all the time! Should I be worried?

JulieB
01-11-2007, 08:22 PM
Please send me a PM if you spot any problems with the site. Right now I'm working on the readability issues. The guestbook is also on the list. Thanks for the feedback.

aruna
01-11-2007, 09:10 PM
Good job, Julie!


This scares me:

The acquistions dept. receives some 50-100 queries and/or submissions daily via email. The emails are assigned to the various "editors" who review each one in turn. The only daily quota is for each editor to review at least 15 manuscripts per day. We were given 5-10 minutes MAXIMUM for the review, to include the first 5 pages, middle 5 pages and last 5 pages. In addition, we would search the MS for repeating text, and search the keywords Miranda, Prather, Willem, Clopper, Frederick, publish, hoax, fraud and stooges to check if there was text detrimental to PA hidden in the story.

I expected them to read the first few pages which is why I added a stupid prologue that is just - boring. But that ending! OMG, we were really lucky.

James D. Macdonald
01-11-2007, 09:17 PM
But that ending! OMG, we were really lucky.

Either that or the ending was indistinguishable from the endings of most of the books they get?

One thing that happens when you're force-fed large amounts of bad prose: your ability to even look at a printed page, let alone tell good writing from bad, is sharply degraded.

On the list of reasons why a book can be rejected by PA, "This book sucks" doesn't appear.

ChunkyC
01-11-2007, 09:35 PM
Oh mah gawd.... :roll:

I lahar'd myself I'm laughing so hard. Congratulations to all of you.

There has to be a third and final volume, I mean trilogies are the thing, right? Maybe Thryce Byttn could pen it.

CatSlave
01-11-2007, 09:49 PM
Oh mah gawd.... :roll:

I lahar'd myself I'm laughing so hard. Congratulations to all of you.

There has to be a third and final volume, I mean trilogies are the thing, right? Maybe Thryce Byttn could pen it.

Wonderful pen name!
Great minds think alike...I imagine there are a lot of folks out there in AW land that agree with you.
May I suggest the title Chicken Poop for the Soul?

I see this thread has over 4,000 hits already. Good job!

Lady of Prose
01-11-2007, 09:55 PM
I inspired myself so much writing chapter two, I'm thinking of becoming a hairdresser. Hot Damn!!

CatSlave
01-11-2007, 09:58 PM
On the list of reasons why a book can be rejected by PA, "This book sucks" doesn't appear.

Methinks that's a criterion for acceptance.

JulieB
01-12-2007, 04:54 AM
Well. Sharla Tann is one popular author.

If you get a message stating that the bandwidth on the site has been exceeded, drop me a PM and I'll send you the URL to a mirror site.

The mirror won't have the PDF files at first (that's what killed the bandwidth over there), but you can take a look at the rest of the content. And if you would like either of the PDF files, PM me with your e-mail address.

I'm working on a way to make the files smaller if possible.

I think I've got the readability issue fixed. Please PM me if you see any problems with the site.

pink lily
01-12-2007, 07:20 AM
I've enjoyed this thread. The Crack of Death site was working well earlier today, but now I'm getting the "509 Bandwidth exceeded" message.

Still. It's awesome.

James D. Macdonald
01-12-2007, 09:04 AM
Uh oh! The Crack of Death site has been darfed!

aruna
01-12-2007, 09:28 AM
I've just upgraded the hosting package. Julie'll be able to fix it later, methinks.

Dawno
01-12-2007, 09:28 AM
Thanks to Uncle Jim who converted my text into a pdf file, I've been able to revise the Crack of Death on Lulu and reduce the price. The new edition is now only 9.20 - and AW gets a few cents more on every copy sold! ...


Whoo Hoo! That means that the copy I bought is now a RARE COLLECTORS ITEM!! Early retirement here I come.







PS: Do read chapter 14 (or maybe it's 13) - I worked very hard on it.


LaVerne stood off to the side of an arched vestibule leaning against the highly polished pale beige marble tiles lining the inside walls of a brick fronted entryway that led to gleaming brass and glass revolving doors which people were scurrying though like scurrying animals escaping a prowling beast except they were just late for work. She was waiting for Nancy to come out of the front of the ten storey granite block police building across the busy four lane street that was filled with early morning traffic rushing past like a raging river filled with frantic spawning salmon jostling upstream except the drivers of the cars weren’t rushing towards sex, just to their jobs.

aruna
01-12-2007, 09:32 AM
PS: Do read chapter 14 (or maybe it's 13) - I worked very hard on it.


That deserves inclusion on the excerpts page!
Why do you think I asked you to write for us, you Queen of Purple Prose.!

I found it fascinating how each of us had our own unique "bad writing" style.

Dawno
01-12-2007, 09:47 AM
It could well go down in history as my only publishing credit, thank you for giving my writing the chance it deserves :D

aruna
01-12-2007, 09:57 AM
I just noticed that most of the reviews on Lulu are down. Any explanation? Could it be because it's a new edition?

triceretops
01-12-2007, 05:21 PM
LaVerne stood off to the side of an arched vestibule leaning against the highly polished pale beige marble tiles lining the inside walls of a brick fronted entryway that led to gleaming brass and glass revolving doors which people were scurrying though like scurrying animals escaping a prowling beast except they were just late for work. She was waiting for Nancy to come out of the front of the ten storey granite block police building across the busy four lane street that was filled with early morning traffic rushing past like a raging river filled with frantic spawning salmon jostling upstream except the drivers of the cars weren’t rushing towards sex, just to their jobs.

Dang, Dawno. You never, ever told me that you write like Stephen King!

Tri

Dawno
01-12-2007, 07:53 PM
Tri, I wish I had the talent he has in his little fingernail. :)

Later in the chapter I go into detail about the Oyster Card (it's a pre paid pass to the London Underground system) that's probably more like Koontz...

maestrowork
01-12-2007, 08:16 PM
I offer part of my hard work as an excerpt:



Meanwhile, Garry watched Cyndi getting inside the car from two blocks away. ‘Stupid woman,’ she said. ‘Why don’t you ever listen to me?’ He couldn’t be more irritable than now. He had come back early to conjoin Cyndi because he had some quick questions to ask her but now he is too late and she got inside Roberto’s stupid shiny car. He didn’t know that Roberto wasn’t in the car or he would have yelled something, but the boat had sailed now. Garry hastily got inside his car and started the engine too. Cyndi thought someone was following her so she stepped hard on the accelerators and the Limbo snaked through the small streets of town. The streets were increasingly long and disserted, though. So Cyndi pushed the Limbo to 320Kmh and she felt her face contorting and her lips smacking against her own skull. It was a great sensation. It was like having mind-altering sex.

maestrowork
01-12-2007, 08:17 PM
Dang, Dawno. You never, ever told me that you write like Stephen King!

Tri

She did WIN the 2006 AbsoluteWrite Purple Prose contest.

WWWWolf
01-13-2007, 04:27 AM
This thing has now been stuck on my PDF reader for a few days. The content leaves me absolutely speechless.

I suppose the only bad thing about it is that I can actually make some sense of it and my sixth sense tells these errors have been deliberately put there. It is clearly still a bad book thrown together by actually competent people.

It raises an interesting philosophical question about lower bounds of human writing talent. Does it exist? What are the optimistic and pessimistic bounds to it? Maybe the scientists in the distant year of 2010 can actually produce a book that that goes well below that limit, to the levels of badness never imagined by human mind.

Okay, I'll probably regret posting that, in more sense than one. But still...

aruna
01-13-2007, 04:25 PM
This thing has now been stuck on my PDF reader for a few days. ..

Yes, it can now be read for free, and I invite PA lurkers to do so.

Now that it's out I do wish I had hired a few more writers and added a few more chapters. Like, Nancy going through Chicago or Buenos Aires, or Duane Malaysia bungee-jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge.

JimmyD1318
01-13-2007, 07:38 PM
If anyone is going to do this again then I want in on the fun! Trust me I can write pretty crappy with the best of them!:tongue


Wait a minute....did that make any sense at all?:Shrug:


:ROFL:

Bufty
01-15-2007, 03:15 AM
Jimmy, yes it does make sense, but I was surprised at how hard it is to write really crappy when you deliberately try to do so. It's amazing this story made any sense at all when all each of us had to work on was a brief two or three line sketch of what the chapter was about, if I remember correctly.

It was fun though, but I admire James and Sharon and Maestro and Dawno and... and all those other guys and gals who managed to write really good crap and make it seem effortless - if they get what I mean. :)


If anyone is going to do this again then I want in on the fun! Trust me I can write pretty crappy with the best of them!:tongue
Wait a minute....did that make any sense at all?:Shrug:

Mags
01-15-2007, 03:43 AM
Just ordered my copy, so as to have the Compleat PA Done Been Busted Set along with Atlanta Nights.

Oyster Cards rock. Can't wait to read Dawno's paean.

priceless1
01-15-2007, 05:39 AM
PublishAmerica earned its name of "PublishAnything" by offering a contract on death-defying prose like this:
"then knelt and played with his weapon in the blackness of the dark."

Oh. My. If anyone wonders what driving a spike through their eye is like, they should read this story. You guys are serious. They really offered "Sharla" a contract?

James D. Macdonald
01-15-2007, 06:41 AM
Not only did they offer "Sharla" a contract, they sent a signed one in hardcopy.

These guys really do offer contracts for books that they never read.

DamaNegra
01-15-2007, 07:58 AM
MY books are never going to get the chance they deserve with PA :cry:

James D. Macdonald
01-15-2007, 12:03 PM
If anyone is going to do this again then I want in on the fun!

So get together ten or twenty friends and just start typing. You don't need any formal permission. Throw together some word-salad and send it to PA. It's easy, it's fun. And imagine how proud you'll be when you get sent a contract!

PeeDee
01-15-2007, 12:23 PM
So get together ten or twenty friends and just start typing. You don't need any formal permission. Throw together some word-salad and send it to PA. It's easy, it's fun. And imagine how proud you'll be when you get sent a contract!

I should just send them the Baen Free Library CD Rom I have, and then wait a few weeks, and when they publish "Hot New John Ringo Fiction!" I can call Baen and let them fall on PA like a pile of rectangular building things.

Old Hack
01-15-2007, 05:47 PM
There are so many ways to generate a text for PA without too much fuss and bother.

1) How about taking your own work and running it through babelfish.com several times (which will make it very surreal and give you an extremely, um, unique voice)? If you don't have enough words to make a nice, chunky novel you could repeat it several times over. But remember, PA is happy to print books of only 15,000 words so you should be fine.

2) Run your wordprocessor's "find and replace" function on several key words of your mss, such as all your character names, and certain words like beautiful, said, or street. And delete all the verbs. That's really cool.

3) Rearrange your novel so that it reads backwards. Then follow point 2, above.

4) In honor of Making Light, you could collect together all those scam emails you get, from the Nigerian ones to the ones which talk about enlargement... put them all into one file and bingo!

5) If, like me, you have voice recognition software just leave your headset on and your mike open while you speak to the kids when they get home from school in the afternoon. It'll take you about an hour to dictate a whole book. And it'll be really gritty and real-life. If a little repetative and shrieky.

You can use all these techniques, or just one of them. I'm sure some people here have further suggestions for writing text appropriate for the cause. Or you could actually take the time to write something. How ever you decide to do it, you'll end up with a manuscript that PA will accept and if on the offchance that you get a rejection, just open a new email account and resubmit the following day. They'll love it.

smallthunder
01-15-2007, 06:39 PM
Wow. My mind just exploded.
Wow.

aruna
01-15-2007, 11:18 PM
COD got a nice write-up on Themis_Athena's review site:
http://www.themisathena.info/cod.html

Also, some very encouraging guest book entries. Seems like a movie deal is in the offing....

pink lily
01-15-2007, 11:40 PM
If anyone is going to do this again then I want in on the fun! Trust me I can write pretty crappy with the best of them!:tongue

So get together ten or twenty friends and just start typing. You don't need any formal permission. Throw together some word-salad and send it to PA. It's easy, it's fun. And imagine how proud you'll be when you get sent a contract!
Hey, I'm with you, JimmyD. If I didn't have 2 deadlines now... I'll PM you anyway. I want a PA contract just like Sharla Tann got!

Marian Perera
01-15-2007, 11:47 PM
Pick me, pick me. I write can carppy fiction too!

pink lily
01-15-2007, 11:50 PM
Pick me, pick me. I write can carppy fiction too!
QoS! Guess what I'm talking about, and guess where? Cough cough. I just sent Jimmy my idea via PM. I'm now considering my proposal and I think I've got something good here. Deadlines be damned, this is much more fun.

pink lily
01-16-2007, 12:17 AM
I wrote a really stupid synopsis and author bio, and I can't stop laughing. I want my dollar from PA. Whoever wants to see what Queen of Swords and I have come up with, please PM me and I'll share this work in progress. I think we might get this done pretty quickly, it just writes itself.

Marian Perera
01-16-2007, 12:29 AM
I like our main character's name, which is an in-joke.

James D. Macdonald
01-16-2007, 12:55 AM
Just stick with people you know.

Remember that Miranda, Larry, and Willem read this board more often than they read their own, and all of them have used sock puppets.

Think of the feather in their cap if they know in advance which crappy book is the sting and reject it!

Gravity
01-16-2007, 01:01 AM
Repost from NEPAT:

Crazy question here. In both cases of the sting manuscripts, PA's contract was refused by the writers. Is there any legal reason the next sting MS couldn't go to full production with them? Seems like that would truly leave PA with some serious egg on its corporate puss.

JulieB
01-16-2007, 01:09 AM
My hard copy of COD just arrived via UPS.

The physical quality (paper, binding and the like) of the book is far better than anything I've ever seen out of PA. But I am not surprised.

My husband is working from home today and grabbed the book as soon as I pulled it out of the package. Judging from the laughter, I'd say that Sharla Tann has a hit on her hands!

Dawno
01-16-2007, 03:06 AM
My copy is still traveling via UPS - the tracking says it was processed and left the regional UPS facility which is only a little over an hour away. I hope it gets here soon!

Lady of Prose
01-16-2007, 03:17 AM
I ordered my copy on the 9th, the day aruna said it was up on Lulu--my UPS tracking says it was "rescheduled" for delivery for tomorrow the 16th.

JulieB
01-16-2007, 04:33 AM
Given the fact that today is a Federal holiday - and that we're dealing with the aftermath of an ice storm - I didn't expect any deliveries at all.

aruna
01-16-2007, 09:10 AM
Repost from NEPAT:

Crazy question here. In both cases of the sting manuscripts, PA's contract was refused by the writers. Is there any legal reason the next sting MS couldn't go to full production with them? Seems like that would truly leave PA with some serious egg on its corporate puss.

It depends on the book. If you are wrting something deliberately funny and readable, like Atlanta Nights and COD, then you'll want to get it out there so people can read it. I was dying to get COD out there! But if we'd gone ahead and had PA publish it it would have taken a further 6 - 9 months - and then they could have held on to it so that we couldn't publish it ourselves. It would have been a waste.
But if you write something that is, basically, just rubbish, and unreadable, then go ahead. Let PA publish as many unreadable rubbish books as possible.

James D. Macdonald
01-16-2007, 10:51 AM
If you do let PA publish the book, don't tell anyone. Don't give them a dime.

JimmyD1318
01-16-2007, 05:47 PM
If you do let PA publish the book, don't tell anyone. Don't give them a dime.


What Uncle Jim says is true. Because then you CAN be charged with fraud. That what I read about Atlanta Nights. Jim and the other Si-Fi writers took the contract to a lawyer, and told them that. The goal of the sting manuscripts isn't to get PA to publish it, but just accept it. Then blow the whistle on what they had done. If I'm wrong Uncle Jim please say so.

Christine N.
01-16-2007, 07:47 PM
I don't understand how it can be fraud. I'm sure worse books than both AN and CoD are accepted and published by PA all the time. Those terrible books that are written with the author thinking they're publishable, just like those that arrive in slush piles all over the world every day.

Not the author's fault PA accepted it, right? Not their fault they published it, right? Or is it fraud because of the use of the pseudonym without revealing the author(s) real name?

I'm not saying it's not true, I just need to be reminded of the reason, if indeed it came up before.

Now, if you don't buy any copies, PA is out the approximately $300 they pay to get the book to print. The money they hope to recoup by the author's first order of books.

That's worth it.

Arkie
01-16-2007, 08:01 PM
Some PA official, a few months ago, admitted that over one-thousand books that they had printed never sold a single copy. I suspect there are unsaleable books printed every month. Spending some time on the PA message board gives an indication that many authors are unhappy with the finished product and state they have no intention of trying to sell their book. Of course, these posts are quickly deleted, and if the writer persists in negative posting, she will be banned.

I believe many writers cannot comprehend how badly they write until they actually see their manuscripts in book form. And if PA has a redeeming value, it is that of giving thousands of writers the opportunity to see that they are not ready.

James D. Macdonald
01-16-2007, 09:17 PM
One part of the PA contract requires the writer to certify that he or she is the author of the piece. That leaves out the group-written efforts. PA lies like a rug, but that doesn't give us permission to lie too.

CoD is already selling better than many PA books, and Atlanta Nights has sold better than most PA books. Promoting a sting manuscript that PA printed would be counter-productive -- PA doesn't care how the money gets in their pockets, as long as it gets there.

Plus, PA has the right to demand revisions. They don't, generally, but their contract gives them the ability to screw with their writers in a lot of ways.

Christine N.
01-16-2007, 10:00 PM
Ok, gotcha.

Gravity
01-17-2007, 01:32 AM
Okay, that's clear now. Thanks guys (and no, I wasn't planning on sending one in: as you said Unk, knowing the Stooges predeliction for making writers' lives a living hell, why open a can of worms?)

Lady of Prose
01-17-2007, 02:45 AM
Hey everyone--I got my hard copy if COD today, right on UPS schedule. It looks great! I took a few minutes to re-read a few pages. Something about reading hard copy as opposed to electronic version makes it so much more enjoyable. Perhaps it's just feeling the proof in my hands that we pulled one over on PA. To those of you who haven't ordered your copy yet, you are in for a treat.


In my PA days of the honeymoon, I'm not too sure that I didb't read what were sting submissions. The "authors" were not that vocal on the PA threads about their book and I ordered a couple out of curiosity. They read much like COD and AN. I'm somewhat convinced they were meant as stings.

CatSlave
01-17-2007, 11:16 PM
Just stick with people you know.

Remember that Miranda, Larry, and Willem read this board more often than they read their own, and all of them have used sock puppets.

Think of the feather in their cap if they know in advance which crappy book is the sting and reject it!

That's true -- they must be on super alert right now. The next sting should be extremely subtle and carefully crafted. I imagine that right now every submission they get is suspect. Those poor editors must be pulling their hair out, having to actually READ the stuff that gets submitted. Just wondering when the next sting is coming must be torture. :)

Tsu Dho Nimh
01-18-2007, 06:09 AM
I could just send my first romance novel ... it was bad enough to be mistaken for a sting :)

AnneMarble
01-18-2007, 06:14 AM
I could just send my first romance novel ... it was bad enough to be mistaken for a sting :)
Mine, too! :) Unfortunately, it was written by hand in a notebook, and it would be too much work to type it. :( (Besides, if I typed it, I'd end up rewriting it, and then I would want to submit it to a real publisher. :D)

aruna
01-18-2007, 04:54 PM
Killer Yapp has left a guestbook comment....

Nooneishere
01-18-2007, 06:08 PM
Perhaps you might be interested in reading Elite House - The Final Chaper. See the thread on AW under that title.

Has it been submitted to that Publisher in America? Maybe.

Another chapter will be posted today.

Lady of Prose
01-18-2007, 06:13 PM
Killer Yapp has left a guestbook comment....

:D Our fame grows! Go Sharla!

CatSlave
01-18-2007, 08:51 PM
Perhaps you might be interested in reading Elite House - The Final Chaper. See the thread on AW under that title.

Has it been submitted to that Publisher in America? Maybe.

Another chapter will be posted today.

I'm enjoying your story immensely, but remember that all the PA people--the Stooges, the converts and the incognito PA-bashers--read this forum religiously, so Elite House will not pass their scrutiny should it be submitted. You can bet they're watching for it.

Unless this story is a red herring and a different unknown sting has been sent instead, hmm?

Old Hack
01-18-2007, 09:23 PM
Aruna, can you let me know who wrote the final exerpt on the website? The one which begins, "Scratching his crutch in confusion"? It's fantastic.

Just imagine what would happen to PA if lots of mss were sent in, went all the way to publication, AND THEN DIDN'T SELL A SINGLE COPY. PA doesn't make any money from books which don't sell. In fact, they lose money on those ones because of the two author copies they supply. If it weren't for the "second manuscript" option in the contract (does that still appear?) it would be a very nice way for all of us here to get bound copies of all our early, so-bad-it-makes-your-eyes-bleed-if-you-read-it work. Just a thought.

aruna
01-19-2007, 08:36 AM
Aruna, can you let me know who wrote the final exerpt on the website? The one which begins, "Scratching his crutch in confusion"? It's fantastic.

.

That was
Mary Hinge, aka Scarletpeaches. I enlisted her expressly so we could have a Scottish chapter, so Cuthbert could be ***SPOILER ALERT***

batgirl
01-20-2007, 02:23 AM
Just imagine what would happen to PA if lots of mss were sent in, went all the way to publication, AND THEN DIDN'T SELL A SINGLE COPY. PA doesn't make any money from books which don't sell. In fact, they lose money on those ones because of the two author copies they supply. If it weren't for the "second manuscript" option in the contract (does that still appear?) it would be a very nice way for all of us here to get bound copies of all our early, so-bad-it-makes-your-eyes-bleed-if-you-read-it work. Just a thought. I seem to recall that was suggested back in the days of the first NEPAT, that it would be worth doing with one's trunk novel or juvenilia, anything you didn't mind having only two copies of, and wouldn't want more of.
There wasn't much discussion, as I recall. Which doesn't mean a whole heap of people didn't go and do that very thing without telling anyone.
-Barbara

aruna
01-20-2007, 10:47 AM
Aruna, can you let me know who wrote the final exerpt on the website? The one which begins, "Scratching his crutch in confusion"? It's fantastic.



I love this metaphor from that excerpt.

he began to look through Nancy’s drawers, pulling out bras and knickers and leaving them on the floor where they lay, in a big pile like someone had ripped them off a Brazilian prostitute and left them on the floor while making mad passionate sex to her from behind.


And this metaphor:
Damn she smelt good, and her lips glistened in the street light like two plump, red, Italian tomatoes.


And this:
"Ain't none of your business." He snarled as he raped his knuckles on the receiver, rattling the receiver like a thousand fat cockroach legs doing the Macarena.

Any other favourite one-liners?

Sean D. Schaffer
01-20-2007, 02:26 PM
I agree with Birol. I look forward to being one of those people who has a whole collection of PA Sting manuscripts...

triceretops
01-20-2007, 11:48 PM
As far as I know. There are four of them from AW members:

Dee Power's sting book
The Purple Pony by Kevin Y.
Atlanta Nights
Crack of Death

Any more? I'm not certain.

ETA: (Thanks to wonderful Dave K.) Channeling Tinkerbell.

That makes five. Do I hear six?


Tri

PVish
01-21-2007, 12:01 AM
Just curious--was Crack of Death accepted immediately upon submission or did PA make y'all wait for a while?

triceretops
01-21-2007, 09:21 AM
I can't speak for Aruna, but I believe it was snatched up pretty quick.

I also believe, if memory serves, that the original title was Crack of Doom. But I might be wrong on this point. And it was intended to be an English sting manuscript, cause we wanted to branch out of course. And Aruna did have some media connections lined up, who were going to follow all of the dirty details.

Seriously, Sharla and Travis are quite the couple. I think I can see these two meeting in a dark alley somewhere and flashing each other.

The night was moist...and

Tri

aruna
01-21-2007, 03:34 PM
Tsu Dho Nimh's the one to answer that correctly. If I remember, the acceptance of the query came fairly quickly. Then she had to send in a photocopy of her driving licence (I believe), the bio and the ms, and I think for several weeks we heard nothing. It took so long I was afraid they;d read and rejected it. And then - Bingo!

Christine N.
01-21-2007, 05:34 PM
A photocopy of their drivers's license?? What kind of crap is that? I've never heard of that in my life. To make sure she was who she said she was?

aruna
01-21-2007, 05:41 PM
A photocopy of their drivers's license?? What kind of crap is that? I've never heard of that in my life. To make sure she was who she said she was?

I'm not sure if she had to use that. I remember U. Jim or someone saying it was now necessary.

Tsu Dho Nimh
01-21-2007, 07:40 PM
I was NOT asked for a photocopy of my driver's license.

At least, not that I recall.

Tsu Dho Nimh
01-21-2007, 07:54 PM
Just curious--was Crack of Death accepted immediately upon submission or did PA make y'all wait for a while?

Query accepted 10-Oct-2006 (made from website)
Request to see the manuscript 12-Nov-2006
Manuscript returned same day (as a properly eager author would!)

Submission recieved notice 16-Nov-2006

The happy news came 12-Dec-2006
"I am happy to inform you that PublishAmerica has decided to give your book the chance it deserves. We are offering to publish "The Crack of Death". "

I replied that the sample contract terms were OK, and they mailed the contract soon after. The Turkey was launched 07-Jan-2007, hours after I let Sharon know I had the hard copy of the contract.

James D. Macdonald
01-21-2007, 08:03 PM
Ah. No more requests for a driver's license? PA reportedly was making 'em, for a while. That's good to know.

Will Richard Cranium submit a new book? Maybe a few books from Mike Oxlong, Richard Hertz, and Peter Goziner....

zizban
01-21-2007, 08:09 PM
I was thinking of rewriting A Princess of Mars in pig latin but that would be a whole lot of work.

Christine N.
01-21-2007, 08:55 PM
Does Babelfish do pig Latin? You could make it LOOK like pig latin find/replace...

aruna
01-24-2007, 02:20 PM
Today I got a message from Mary Whippe, via a friend.
Mary Whipple is an Amazon top reviewer, here's her profile:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/pdp/profile/A319KYEIAZ3SON/ref=cm_aya_bb_pdp/102-4994981-5005703
She's read COD and wants to review it and is asking when and if it's going to amazon.
I'd love to get COD onto amazon but I need to subscribe to Lulu's distribution pack for that. It costs $99. And I am broke - flat out broke. Is there any way we can all donate a couple of dollars to get the money together? I could afford £5 or so, but no more.
If Mary Whipple reviews COD then we'll get a whole host of other amazon reviewers. It's a whole community of them with their own discussion board (http://forums.prosperotechnologies.com/am-custreview/start/) where they talk about new books to review and this will certainly get a whole lot of attention, reviews and... sells!;)

James D. Macdonald
01-24-2007, 02:45 PM
The way we did it with Atlanta Nights was to wait until the royalties added up enough to buy the ISBN, then we bought it. Zero cash outlay from the author(s).

aruna
01-24-2007, 02:50 PM
The way we did it with Atlanta Nights was to wait until the royalties added up enough to buy the ISBN, then we bought it. Zero cash outlay from the author(s).

Hmm. That will take a long, long time....

underthecity
01-24-2007, 03:06 PM
Set up a paypal account. I'll kick in a few dollars.

allen

Ken Schneider
01-24-2007, 05:25 PM
Aruna, Get it rolling on the Amazon thing. I'll kick in 50.00 U.S., I'm sure we can scare up the rest.

PVish
01-27-2007, 06:32 PM
An egg in the turkey's nest should crack open by the middle of next week (depending on how fast the mail delivers the contract). My elderly mixed retriever submitted his doggone dreadful poetry manuscript a few days before the "Crack of Death" turkey flew, and--according to PA emails--his book will get the chance it deserves.

I wonder if any more eggs are in the nest?

pink lily
01-27-2007, 09:36 PM
I wonder if any more eggs are in the nest?
Some of us are sitting on something, and lining the nest now.

Dawno
01-27-2007, 10:02 PM
I wish I had gotten here sooner - I would have been happy to contribute. Aruna, if you need help with anything, do email me.

PVish
01-27-2007, 10:12 PM
I wish I had gotten here sooner - I would have been happy to contribute. Aruna, if you need help with anything, do email me.

I've got a couple of opening chapters to contribute if anyone wants to take on another project. (My dog was going to do a novel when he switched to poetry instead, so these chapters are just lying around.)

Dawno
01-27-2007, 10:36 PM
I was talking about getting the Amazon package, Pvish - I'm already in Crack of Death :) Ch. 14

Best wishes to your dog on getting the chance he deserves :D

Ken Schneider
01-28-2007, 01:06 AM
I'm covering the whole amount, Dawno. As soon as my paypal account is straightened out early next week. I hate paypal.

Christine N.
01-28-2007, 01:18 AM
Ain't you the sweetest!

Ken Schneider
01-28-2007, 05:34 PM
Ain't you the sweetest!

Not always, but I am a philanthropist when I can be.