It was a dark and stormy night.
But then, when you're on the trail of Ruthless Bad Guys, it always is. Ain't no other night, not even when it's sunny.
My name is Dave. Dave Kuzminski. Private Eye. There's a trio of chumps, triplet stooges, and they're messing up authors and leaving them for dead in the gutter. No one does that to my authors. No one. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this, no matter what it takes.
It was raining outside, but all the thunder and lightning were in my heart, deep down, where I kept it under house arrest. I had my feet up on my desk, my gun sitting within easy reach, 'cause you don't get where I am without a few enemies, and I've got enough to populate a monastary. I had the first glass of brandy in my hand, drying to drown my sorrow.
A knock on the door. I didn't say anything, and just waited for it to open.
A dame came in, and she was a knockout. I knew her at once. Vikkie Strauss. Every inch a lady, or a hunter, depending on what day you catch her. I'd hate to go up against her some night in an alley, but then, I'm a lover, not a fighter. She was cool and calm and she slunk into my office and shut the door behind her.
"A.C.'s heard somethin'," she said, her voice like a smokey room where there aren't any man coughing. "Something bad, D.K."
"I heard it too," I said, and I tried not to fall in love with her on the spot.
Falling in love is hard on the knees, just like Winger said. Besides, she was a woman on a mission, and nothing comes of that but tea and cupcakes. I hate cupcakes.
I said, "I'm moving on things later tonight. I got all my ducks in a row, and soon, I'm going to start figuring out the pecking order."
"Be careful," Vikkie said, and I knew she meant it. "They play for keeps."
"I know," I said, "But I play for gives."
...
PETE: Hey, look at that.
CARRIE: Whoa.
PETE: I didn't know we ACTUALLY had a Water Cooler around here. I
thought it was just one of those, you know....
CARRIE: Figures of speech?
PETE: That's the bunny. Ew. what's that floating in the water?
CARRIE: That's the bunny!
PETE: No.....it's some sort of weird silver fish. I can't quite place it. Seems familiar. Oh well.
CARRIE: Do you feel an ominous sense of forboding?
PETE: No, I've always been very clean in that respect.
They walk to the end of the hall and out into the main lobby of ABSOLUTE WRITE. The lobby is two miles across, small change compared to the rest of the Absolute Write empire buildings.
At the front desk, RLLGTHUNDER sits answering phones.
RLLGTHUNDER: Thank you for calling AW, I am not wearing pants. Hello? Hello? Thank you for calling AW, I have a disfiguring crotch disease. Hello....? STOP HANGING UP.....!
PETE: Hey, remember Spooky?
CARRIE: What? No. Whazzat?
PETE: Some guy, used to hang around the forums. Died long ago, in jail.
CARRIE:........I thought that was Dclary?
...
There weren't enough shadows here for me to hide in, but I filled them out with the ones in my heart. I had had too much brandy to drink, but it just me sharper, harder. Tonight, I was diamond. I was a rock. And speaking of rocks, I had one to see.
Maccy Stone. Toughest Cookie around. Tougher than macademia cookies.
This one, I had to play careful.
I snuck into her office through a floor drain in the bathroom. No easy feat, but I've been broken so many times, I fit through anything. I came into her office, all dark and windows and television screens, bathed in the electronic glow, and I advanced toward the chair behind the massive desk.
It turned slowly toward me, though I had made no sound at all, and I knew she had heard me. Probably knew I was coming before I did.
"Dave Kuzminski," said a voice, strange and deep and all over the place,
"You are here....now."
"Hey, doll," I said. I played her like I played any dame; careful and from a distance. Dames are like live electrical wires. If it weren't for the rubber on the outside, they would give you a sharp shock every time.
"You are looking for the Three Who Are One."
"You know it, peaches,"
"She is not one of them."
I frowned, because I knew who she meant, and I knew what she was. wasn't nothing good about Scarletta Peaches. Nothin' good in that heart, nothin' good in that soul. She was like a rabid doberman:
I said, "You know I'm gonna do what I do," and I wanted to light a cigarette, but I didn't, 'cause that's not polite inside around non-smokers and I wouldn't want to offend anyone because then they might see me in a dim light and I would think less of myself because of it.
Maccy Stone stood up and came into the light. She was a knockout, but then, weren't they all? I put my heart in solitairy confinement and hit it with a rubber stick, just to be safe.
"You're not in a good place, Dave," She said.
I said, "Ain't nowhere better than right now."
....
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH: The ranch, in this case, being a small mountain. It is bright and sunny and the birds are chirping and the rabbits are dancing and singing and the Elves are all out and painting eggs!!!!
PAT~: This is terrible weather to be an Evil Genius.
SHADOW_FERRET (polishing his bell): Yeth, mathter.
PAT~: Not a cloud in the sky.
FERRET: No, mathter.
PAT~: Yes, this weather makes me want to hurt someone. Oh yes. Do you not agree.......Bjorn?
HAGGIS: I.....am not Bjorn.
PAT~: Ohhhh no?
HAGGIS: Do I look like a large Swedish man with gorgeous muscles and beautiful skin, so oiled that you could just squeeze it and die happy, as my raven locks fall down around your face, gently tickling your skin as I lean in close to kiss you, whispering my undying love?
PAT~: Well. Not as such.
HAGGIS: There you go.
PAT~: But....I love it when you talk like that. And for a dog....you're pretty hot.
HAGGIS: Wha? WHAT?
PAT~: Yes. Ferret! Leave us be!
FERRET: Abtholutely, mathter.
FERRET closes the doors as PAT~ advances on HAGGIS.
FERRET (mutters): Creepy animal lovers. It's just weird. So strange.
...
I knew my first target, and I struck hard, and fast. One less person in the Axle of Evil, and I knew my night had gone to a good cause, way better than those Salvation Army blokes.
...
PETE: That's a dead body.
CARRIE: That's a deer.
PETE: It's a human being! Ish! Thing! Look at the face!
CARRIE: The FACE on that is your defense for it being human? Defends it being an Orc, I guess.
PETE: Okay, how about the name tag? Huh? "C. Beasy.?" That mean anything to you.
CARRIE: It means the gene pool has been spared?
PETE: You have no love in your soul, sister.
CARRIE (shooting Pete a withering glare): "Sister"?
PETE: Sorry.
CARRIE: What do you think killed it?
PETE (studying the gaping teeth marks): Gunshot wound?
CARRIE: Ha.
PETE: Then why'd you ask?
CARRIE: I mean, WHAT do you think killed it? As in WHAT kind of beast?
PETE: Oh. Maybe a giraffe?
CARRIE: NEVER MIND! (stomps off)
PETE: I think I'm going to be sick!
CARRIE: Why?
PETE: Look!
PETE holds up a corner of what used to be C Beasy's pants.
CARRIE: Dude, you've got issues.
PETE: No, no, I'm not looking at THAT, I'm looking at this!
CARRIE (edging closer): Oh for the love of god, what IS that?
PETE: It looks like... like... a cat! Some twisted mutant cat!
ALLEY FELINE (*disclaimer: not to be confused with ALLEYCAT, who paid his five bucks NOT to be included in this tale!): AHOY, Mateys!
PETE vomits on the ground beside C Beasy's half-eaten corpse.
CARRIE: Did you... eat him?
ALLEY C... er FELINE (glances at the corpse): No! That's disgusting!
CARRIE: Then how did you get in his abdomen?
ALLEY FELINE: Er... OH NO! WHAT'S THAT! OVER THERE!!!
CARRIE and PETE whirl around. They see nothing, and when they turn back, ALLEY FELINE is gone.
C BEASY: errrrmmguh...
PETE: What did you say?
CARRIE: Me? Nothing. I thought you burped.
PETE: I don't think so. But excuse me, just in case.
CARRIE: Sure.
They turn to exit the forest.
PETE: How'd we get in a forest?
CARRIE: I've given up trying to figure these things out.
C BEASY: help... me...
PETE: Hmmm?
CARRIE: What did you have for lunch, anyway?
PETE: Wait, I think it was him!
CARRIE: But he's dead.
C BEASY feebly reaches up, pleading with his remaining eye for them to help him.
CARRIE nudges him with her foot: No, I think he's dead.
PETE: Do dead people move?
CARRIE: Sure. It has something to do with the gasses remaining in the bloodstream or some such thing.
PETE: Oh. Okay.
C BEASY: hate... you... idiots...
---
I was running through the jungle, just like in that famous James Brown song. I didn't know how I'd got here, but I'd been around these parts enough to know that sometimes, the scenery just changes. You adapt and you get on with it, ain't no room for whiners out here. only room for lumberjacks in stretchy pants, tall pieces of wood, and lovely forest animals.
There they were, up ahead, the source of all the problems and woes of young authors everywhere. I didn't have names for them, not yet, I called them "Garp" and "Carrie" because those seemed like fitting names. I etched the names into my soul, and I had to etch tiny, because there wasn't a lot left, not after this hard knock life, just like that famous Run DMC song.
Cool as a cucumber, I had a knife in my hand and I slipped amongst the trees and tiptoed through the tulips, getting closer and closer. The one called "GARP" had just said something about gasses in the blood stream, and the one called "CARRIE" said "Oh. Okay." About it. Not great minds, I could tell right now, but I wouldn't underestimate them. They were dangerous. I don't underestimate nobody, not since Babs Baur. I underestimated the numbers of arms she had. I don't make that mistake, I carry lots of knives now.
Ten feet. Fifteen feet. Eight feet. Twelve feet away. This wasn't easy going, it was a thick jungle. I had been welcomed to the jungle, like in that famous Beatles classic, which I had listened to the last time I said good-bye to my feelings, my love and my happiness and stuff.
The one called "GARP" pulled out something which looked like a cell phone, and he held it in front of his face. He said something that I did not hear, and I knew that my moment was now! This was the final countdown, like that classic Chuck Berry song! I rushed at them, RUSHED, but they dissolved in sparkling beams of light and I knew that I had lost them to the deep clutches of outer space and the ship which waited for them there.
But then, they were not the only ones with a ship. I tucked my knives away and ran back through the jungle, toward my own starship--
---and fell through a trap door. Just like I feel through life.
...
PETE: So where should we go?
CARRIE: I'm parched. Let's stop in this conveniently located MOONBUCKS tea shop.
PETE: Great! Just don't let me order that nasty coffee-flavored tea again.
CARRIE pushes open the door and they step through into an eerie silence.
The tea shop is barely lit. The spot behind the counter is empty. No clerk. No whirring of the industrial equipment required to create one of eleventy billion different varieties of tea.
PETE: Hellooo?
Hellooo... hellooo... hellooo comes the echoed reply.
CARRIE: Well that's weird.
PETE: If I don't get some tea, I'm going to be annoyed.
CARRIE: But I think there's something interesting going on!
PETE (stamping foot and crossing arms over chest): But I don't WANNA see something interesting! I WANT TEA!
A small shadowy figure darts throught he shadows behind the counter.
PETE: What was that?!
CARRIE: It looked like a Chihuahua. Or a large rat.
PETE (shuddering): Either way, they need to get an exterminator in here!
CARRIE: I agree. (leaning across counter, trying to peer into back room) HELLO? IS ANYBODY HERE?
PETE: Shhhh! Listen!
CARRIE cocks her head to listen. The muffled sound of voices is coming from somewhere in the back. She starts to go around the counter.
PETE: What are you doing?!
CARRIE: I'm thirsty! I'm going to make my own damn tea.
PETE: Cool. I'll have a...
CARRIE: I don't work here. Make your own.
CARRIE and PETE make themselves tall grade mucho big styrofoam cups of yummy delicious tea. The voices are clearer from their spot behind the counter.
CARRIE: Shall we?
PETE (who is up for anything now that he has his tea): Sure, why not!
They tiptoe into the backroom.
CARRIE: It's just a storage room. This is weird.
PETE: Look!
He points to a row of seemingly normal lockers. One of the doors is askew. He cautiously pulls it open.
CARRIE: Well? What is it?
PETE, speechless, merely points.
CARRIE comes over to look into the locker. Only... it's not a locker. The locker door opens into a pathway that looks as though it were cut through stone. She nudges Pete: Well? Go!
PETE: You go first.
CARRIE: You're the big strong man, YOU go. Unless you're a wuss.
PETE: I am NOT a wuss!
PETE steps through the doorway. CARRIE follows. The voices become louder, but not particularly clearer. The voices are rhythmic, hypnotic. They walk carefully down the uneven path and come to a heavy wooden door.
PETE (sipping his tea): It looks like some kind of old castle door or something.
CARRIE: Open it!
PETE pushes the door open. They step through into what appears to be an old world tavern. Still, they see no one.
Suddenly, a woman appears behind the counter: Wott'l you be havin'?
PETE: Er, I have tea, thanks.
CARRIE: Um, hi. What is this place?
The woman laughs heartily: Yer new here, then?
CARRIE: Yes.
WOMAN: They call me Ol' Fashioned Girl. Ye can call me OFG. Wot they call you?
PETE (transfixed on her ample bosom): erm
CARRIE (slapping Pete upside the head): I'm Carrie, and this is Pete.
OFG: Welcome to the Sanctuary.
CARRIE: Sanctuary?
PETE: erm...
OFG adjusts her wenchy gown: Aye, the Sanctuary.
CARRIE: Where are those voices coming from?
OFG: The meeting room, a'course. Today's the Moderateers meeting.
CARRIE: Moderateers?
OFG: Aye, it sucks. But Muskateers was taken. Ditto Mousekateers.
PETE: erm
CARRIE: Are we in danger?
OFG (laughing): From the Moderateers? Only if ye be spammers or canno' behave in the forums!
PETE (snapping back to the present): Forums?
OFG: A'course! Yer in the world o' Absolute Write!
The voices are louder now. CARRIE turns the corner and opens another heavy wooden door. Her tea drops to the floor.
The room is dark, the stone walls damp. A low round table nearly fills the room. Around the table are thirty-nine chairs. In each chair is a...
CARRIE: What ARE they?
PETE: Rats?
CARRIE (squinting through the darkness and sudden mood fog): I don't think so...
PETE: Chihuahuas?
OFG: If ye will excuse me, I must be off.
CARRIE: Where to?
OFG: T' enjoy the first of me dozens of sordid affairs!
OFG motions to a table. Seated around it are 36 incredibly handsome men, all patiently waiting for OFG's attentions. Men of all shapes and sizes, all colors and builds, with one notable exception.
BJORN (appearing suddenly, on his knees, grasping at OFG's skirts): Why I not qualify to sit and vait for you, OFG??
OFG: I told you! I've got a Swede at home. If I'm going to indulge in dozens of wild liasons, I want some variety!
CARRIE: Psst! Your accent!
OFG: Ach!
BJORN lies on the floor, weeping.
OFG: Ye! Number four!
#4: My name is...
OFG: Did I ask ye anything?!
#4 falls silent, grinning as he follows OFG through yet another door.
---
PETE: Narrative, please!
Sorry.
As it turned out, Garp and Carrie didn't go into space. There was no one there, and so I came home. I had looked into the black abyss and the abyss looked back into me, and it said it didn't want no trouble. So I turned my ship around and I came back home.
Waiting for me was Willie "Bones" Haskins. He's rough and tough, and I'm glad he's on my side, cause that's the only safe side to be on. He could drop you like you're hot, but you'd be cold when you landed. True story.
Willie had his feet up on a desk, and he was eating what looked like an exotic species of free verse poet. The poet kept telling him about art, but Haskins kept on crunching. I didn't share his taste, I went more for the fanfiction myself, they're more tender and juicy, but Haskins has his interests and I let him have 'em.
"Ain't nothin' goin' good," I said when I came in. I wanted a brandy, but I knew it was a whiskey kind of a night. There was Whiskey in the jar, like that classic song that I don't know who did it because I hate music.
Haskins said, "nothing goes good until you die and then youre dead"
"True 'nuff," I said. "How's the prisoner?"
"imprisoned"
"Right. I'm going to og talk to him."
Not many people know that our little two story floor has a dungeon. It's kind of hard to spot. It's just to the left of the bathroom. I took the stairs down and went to the man strapped to the chair.
"Talk to me, Spooky." I said. I turned on a bright light, because I knew he didn't like things which reminded him of daylight.
"Wha? Whaaaa??? Get off my land!" Spooky said, looking wild at me. "Bugrit Millennium Hand and Shrimp! I told 'im I sez I sez I told him!"
This is pretty normal. I didn't hit Spooky, it's not my style. I gave him a LOOK, something I learned long ago from Women. It withered him.
"now. Tell me where your associates are."
"Bugrit! Closet shrimp hand fish monkey doo doo."
Fortunately, I understood him. He may be insane, but I'm so sane that I've come all the way round the circle to his end of things. You wouldn't understand.
"I see. So Carrie and Garp have gone through a locker and are currently listening to a meeting of the Moderateers? Fascinating. I know this Old Fashioned Girl of which you speak. I shall have to ply myself upon her, and invegile myself into their midst!"
"Harp Harp Slowgry Bargleb." Spooky agreed.
----
PETE leans over CARRIE's shoulder to get a better look at the creatures seated around the table. He leans a bit too far and they topple into the room. Thirty-nine pairs of beady eyes shifted to get a look at them. As they scrambled to their feet, they realized that the little critters were covered in dark brown cloaks, their hoods covering their heads, cinched around their chins so that only their snouts peeked out.
CARRIE: Would you get OFF me so I can move?
PETE (captivated by the odd sight): Sorry.
They scramble to their feet.
PETE: Er, hi?
One of the creatures waved a paw: Who are you? Why have you violated the Inner Sanctum?
PETE: Sorry, we just wanted some tea.
A different creature: I TOLD you having a MOONBUCKS as a front would never work!
Yet another: But NOBODY drinks TEA in AMERICA. Just coffee.
And another: Obviously not EVERYBODY, bonehead.
PETE: Uh, forgive me for asking, but how do you guys keep each other straight?
The first creature replied: We have nametags.
CARRIE (nudging PETE): Um, maybe we should go now. They're a little... weird.
PETE: I think they're cute.
Six of the critters lunged at PETE, pinning him to the wall: NEVER! Never call us CUTE!
CARRIE: What are you?
The reply came from the deepest, darkest, foggiest shadow in the room: We are the Moderateers. We are a secret society of AW Movers and Water Cooler shakers. We are the Spam killers and the Flame Rumblers. WE! ARE! MODERATEERS! Haaail the conquering hero!
CARRIE: Yes. Thank you. I get the idea.
VOICE: Er, sorry, I got carried away. I am the leader. My name is MAC. You may call me... Mac.
CARRIE: What's the difference?
MAC: The little a and c. See? MAC. Mac.
CARRIE: Uh. Okay.
MAC: And now, going clockwise, in alphabetical order, I will introduce you to the rest. I expect you to remember their names. There WILL be a quiz later.
PETE giggles.
CARRIE: Shut up.
PETE: I do better at quizzes than yooooooou do!
CARRIE: Shhh!! Pay attention!
MAC: aka eraser, AmyBA, awatkins, batyler65, Betty W01, Cassie88, Cathy C, Dawno, dpaterso, E.G. Gammon, Ella, emeraldcite, Fahim, Good Word, Greenwolf103, James D. Macdonald, jdkiggins, JennaGlatzer, JenNipps, Joe Calabrese, NYC area, JoeEkaitis, katiemac, Liam Jackson, maestrowork, Medievalist, Melina, Nomad, poetinahat, Pthom, Roger J Carlson, rtilryarms, Saritams8, TemlynWriting, veinglory, victoriastrauss, Yeshanu, and jst5150, the Keeper of the Calendar.
PETE: Oh, please. That wasn't even tricky.
MAC flashes a patient smile. There is a hint of evil. She waves a paw and there is the sudden scraping of chairs as each creature leaps to his... uh... feet? and they all shuffle! Shuffle into different spots!
CARRIE: Good going.
PETE: Shit.
MAC: Now, your quiz. You must answer three questions. If you answer all three correctly, we will not ban you. Now. Who is... THAT!
PETE follows the direction of her paw: That is Maestrowork.
MAC: Very good. How did you know?
PETE: He's the only one crooning love songs about a hot tub.
MAC: And that one?
PETE: That is Fahim. The laptop gave it away.
MAC: Impressive. And now... (she pauses, scratching her chin) THAT one.
PETE (gulps): Uh...
CARRIE: Come on, you can do it!
PETE: I... I'm not...
CARRIE: Wait! I know this one!
PETE: But you suck at quizzes!
CARRIE: No! Really! I know this one! It's DAWNO!
MAC: Very good. How did you know?
CARRIE: The sparklies.
PETE mumbles something.
CARRIE: What?
PETE: Nothing. It's just...she's eating waffles. It could be Jenna.
CARRIE: JENNA has nothing glowing on top of her head.
PETE: That we know about! Expert, are you? Huh? She might have.....gotten something!
CARRIE: And DAWNO might have gotten waffles, PETE...
PETE: And Jenna might have gotten sparkles, CARRIE.
MAC: Hah! The shades of doubt do fill your thoughts, and you are overcome and torn apart! Your marriage will not last!
PETE: I still think it's Jenna....what? What? We're not married?
CARRIE: Ew!
PETE: You could so easily have said "unfortunately" instead. Hey! Um....rat! Are you Dawno or Jenna?
The Rat says nothing.
CARRIE: Great green globs of greasy grimey Gryphon guts!
RAT: Hey! That's offensive! TAKE THAT BACK!
CARRIE: Hah! It's Joe Ekeitis!
PETE: ......wearing sparklies, and eating waffles?
MAC: Er....We don't talk about him much. Moving on!
PETE: Those are the smallest high heels I've ever seen is all I'm saying
MAC: MOVING ON, SIR!
CARRIE: Yes please.
MAC: You have passed the test. You will be allowed to live. The council will now ask you a series of questions, which we need answers to.
PETE: Er. Okay.
MAC: Right. Now. We are wondering. Why is it in Part I of the Pete & Carrie Variety Hour, no one could tell that it was Spooky lying mangled in the back of the truck?
PETE: Because it was probably a deer or a moose or something.
MAC: That helps our debate not at all. In Part II of the Variety Hour, why did Bjorn and eventually Sven come to see you first, and not Carrie?
PETE: Because I was having a restful night's sleep and God hates me.
NAMELESS RAT: I expected you would have more respect for your adoring fans!
CARRIE: And you are...?
RAT: Who am I? WHO AM I???? I AM ROGER J. CARLSON THE THIRD, if that's okay with YOU! GAWD!
PETE: Right. Sorry.
CARRIE: I think....that I've hit my creeped out level. Shall we go?
PETE: Yes, lets. 'Er. Gather your questions and mail them to us, huh? We'll answre them. On the forums. In the Share Your Work poetry section.
RAT: You can't fool us! You NEVER go in there!
PETE: No time for talking! Must fly!
And so they fly back into the tavern.
CARRIE: That was awfully literal.
They look around. There are now only three hunky men left at OFG's table. OFG is behind the counter, happily sipping at a stein of beer. A pile of 33 exhausted hunks has collected near the trash bin.
CARRIE: They're so... skinny now! Like they've been...
OFG: Drained? (she grins and goes back to her drink, looking surprisingly fresh)
--
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH
PAT~: As you know, Bob...
FERRET: I'm thadow ferret, thur.
PAT~: As you know, Shadow Ferret, my secret plan is to finish this Death Ray Beam Emitter which will gather the power of all the Deus Ex Machinas int he world and channel them into one great and powerful beam, striking the Absolute Write members down in one fell swoop!
FERRET: Yeth, thur. And then what, thur?
PAT~: What? Er. I don't know. Rule the world and everything. Have a quiet romantic weekend with Haggis. How is he, by the way?
FERRET: Thtill crying himthelf to thleep, thur.
PAT~: Never mind, that'll pass in time. Where is my lovely lab assistant?
FERRET: Out thick, thur. We have a replathment waiting to provide thuththinct aththithtanthe.
PAT~ puzzles a moment.
PAT~: Oh! Succinct Assistance! Right! Well, show her in.
The door to the lab CREAKS open, because that's what it does, and a woman walks in. She is wearing a very large nametag, which says "Screenmom" on it.
FERRET: Thhe hath arrived, thur.
PAT~: Greetings, Screen Mother! I am PAT THE MAGNFICANT! And am a woman, despite my hunchbacked assistant's repeated usage of the word "sir."
SCREENMOM: Is that what he's trying to say?
PAT~: Best guess, yes. Now. You are the mother of all screens, yes?
SCREENMOM: What? no. Look, let's cut the crap. Are you rich?
PAT~: ER. Yes. In knowledge!
SCREENMOM: I was referring to Benjamines.
PAT~: Oh. Yes. I have many....Benjamines....Franklines....er. Yes.
SCREENMOM: Splendid. Normally, I like rich men, but you can be a rich woman and that'll do fine. What do you need me to do?
PAT~: I need you to scream dramatically in a future scene, to enhance the mood and expound upon events which are happening around you as things reach their startling climax.
SCREENMOM: Got it. Until then?
PAT~: I don't care. Just don't poke at Ferret. He starts screaming and banging that bell of his every time someone---
FERRET clangs his bell LOUDLY: Mathter! Mathter! Mathter! Thelly thells theathells by the theathore! Theven thies think they are thneaking through---
PAT~ hits him with a stick
FERRET: thit.
---
The lights were low and dim as I slunk into the room where the Ol' Fashioned Gal waited. She sprawled luxuriously on a bed, combing long locks of red hair in the pale candlelight, only a thin white shift covering her wenchiness. I stepped into the light and she gasped and placed an ivory hand to her ebony breast, and I knew that this was a moment of Heroes.
"You startled me!" She enunciated throatily.
"I am sorry I did not mean to," I expounded smokily.
"It is okay, but I know you, do I not?" She inquiried questioningly.
"You do. I am the man. The only man. I am Kuzminski, private eye. You can call me Dave." I informed knowledgably.
She stood up, beautiful and fair and I thought back to my childhood and all the fair and beautiful women which had lived in our little village if it only hadn't been burnt to the ground and I had been forced to live with a traveling group of assasin midgets who masqueraded as gypsies but were really Russian spies. I would have flashed back to those troubling days if only we had the budget for flashbacks.
"It flusters me to have a man such as you in my inner rooms!" OFG blurted hastily.
"It flusters many," I acknowledged volumnously.
A man stirred in the bed, and my hand went to my gun. There was trouble if I ever saw it, and I'm on a first name basis with trouble.
The man sat up, long blonde locks cascading down his shoulders. He looked at me with quiet eyes that judged me, like Dad used to, and then he spoke in a voice like honey.
"You shouldn't be her," He intoned imperiously.
"Dont' you mean HERE?" I inquired querelously.
"Also, that," He returned, replyingly.
He stood up, much taller than I, and my hand tightened on the butt of my gun. Here it went, things were going down, a rumble was in the jungle now, and I was ready for a party. I may get knocked down, but I get up again, and no one's ever gonna keep me down. It's like another song.
He lunged at me fastily and I pulled my gun quickly and shot him, BLAM! and he died right there, his love for OFG on his lips, unspoken but not unknown. I would have mourned him, but he went to the end of a long list of things I mourn, so he's got a while to go.
OFG cried tears of sorrow as she clutched his fallen body.
"Why???" She wept unhappily, "Why did he have to die, that we might be together in the most perfect love a man and a woman can achieve?"
"Sorry, babe," I entered positively, "Them's the breaks."
Just then, the door to the room opened and a large round man stepped in.
I knew him. Everyone knew him.
It was William Shatner.
But when he spoke, his voice betrayed my very soul. And I'm an expert on
the subject.
"i heard the sound does that mean its my turn"
It was Willie "Bones" Haskins' voice! I demanded he explain himself.
"Damn," he said in his soft voice, "Forgot my bone suit."
"You were William Shatner all along?" I ejaculated woodenly, "RIGHT UNDER
MY VERY NOSE!"
"I can't lie anymore!" William Shatner exclaimed. "I love capitals! I love life! I love free verse poetry writing angsty teens! Okay? I'm sorry!"
But I walked out, leaving him alone with a woman who was now cold to me. I knew that all was lost except my mission, and I would finish that. Oh yes. I would finish it the way a person finishes the finishing touches on something that is then done.
---
*whoosh* PETE and CARRIE are now at a carnival. CARRIE is holding cotton candy, and PETE is holding... um, PETE?
PETE: Sorry. Got it! (Holds a new cd up to the camera. JBAL - In Da Hood - in stores now!)
CARRIE: Dammit! You can't just keep changing scenes like this!
NARRARATOR: Can, too. It's my story. People! Places, please!
CARRIE grumbles as she walks over to the masking tape X.
NARRARATOR: Action!
PETE: Where's my tea?
CARRIE: Back in the other scene.
PETE mutters a colorful stream of curse words.
CARRIE: We can get some more tea later.
SUSIE, MARYN and I SHRUGGED stroll over.
MARYN, who is lovely as can be: Hi, guys!
I SHRUGGED: Let's all go into this conveniently placed sinister looking tent that wasn't here a second ago and have our fortunes told!
CARRIE: Sure!
PETE (shrugging nonchalantly): Sure! What's the worst that could happen?!
SUSIE, grinning from ear to ear, hugs everyone.
They enter the tent. It is full of streaming cloths covering the walls. A person sits at a round table, hunched over, gazing into a crystal ball. Well, as much as one can gaze with one eye.
MARYN, who wasn't too sure about this to begin with: Well, there's only four chairs. I guess I'll sit this one out.
NARRARATOR: Get another chair in there! I'll have somebody's job for this!
MARYN, who isn't thrilled about this new development, sits down with the others.
The old gypsy ran her gnarled hand over the crystal ball, then thoughtfully stroked her beard. Her voice was low and raspy: Why have you come here? What do you hope to find?
PETE: We're seeking a plot. What's your name?
The gypsy impatiently gestured to her name tag. TLBLACK.
PETE: Ah.
TLBLACK fixed her one eye on SUSIE: You are sweetness and light. Goodness and love. All that is bright and wonderous on this earth.
SUSIE blushed.
TLBLACK: No, really. So WHY are you hanging around with these... people?
SUSIE: I like them!
TLBLACK: Beware, Sweet Susie, lest ye become corrupted.
I SHRUGGED: Hey! We're not that bad!
TLBLACK: Ah. The generous "Rep Point Fairy". No, you aren't so bad either.
TLBLACK trained her eye on MARYN.
MARYN, who wasn't sure she liked that look: Yes?
TLBLACK: You are helpful and kind.
MARYN, ever suspicious: And?
TLBLACK: And?! What, you think I have all day for this?
TLBLACK sat back in her cheap folding chair and stroked her beard as she regarded PETE and CARRIE: You. The two of you. You are twisted. Warped. Demented. While you are creative and amusing, I fear you share a deathwish, which is made doubly bad when you are together. In fact, the more time you spend together, the more your brains fuse.
PETE: Yeah. Could you tell us something we DON'T know?
TLBLACK: This... this doesn't frighten you?
PETE: Not especially.
CARRIE (shrugging): Whatever.
TLBLACK: No, really. It doesn't at least really freak you out? You're worse off than I feared!
CARRIE: Alrighty then! Well, if we're done here, we need to find some tea.
The group exits the tent, leaving a thoroughly baffled TLBLACK looking after, making notes for her evil psychic memoirs.
PETE and CARRIE wave goodbye and walk on, in search of a booth serving tea. Shouts can be heard from inside a large tent. Ever curious, they stroll inside.
CARRIE: Look! His nametag is visible from all the way back here!
At the front of the room, NEUROFIZZ was gesturing wildly at a massive clock: WHAT is SO blasted complicated? The lecture started at FIVE THIRTY. NOT Five thirty-seven, NOT five thirty-nine, NOT whenever you decided to GET here. FIVE THIRTY. PERIOD. I don't care if your pwecious widdle car wouldn't start. Now GET OUT. GET! OUT!
PETE and CARRIE stepped back outside.
PETE: Maybe we should catch his next lecture.
CARRIE: Yes. And I think we should be early. Reeeeeally early.
PETE, stopping and listening to something: This way! Quick!
They dash around the tent and find a man, hunched over and sobbing: Why?! Whyyyyyyy?! Oh, God, why do these things happen!?
PETE pats the man's shoulder, subtle reading his nametag: Can we help you?
BILLYTHRILLY: I... I just can't... I don't know how I can go on...
PETE: Surely it's not that bad!
BILLYTHRILLY: You... don't... understand. My entire life, everything I've worked so hard for... all for NOTHING!!
PETE: Let us help you!
BILLYTHRILLY: You'll... you'll take me to see the wizard?
PETE: Huh?
BILLYTHRILLY: The wizard! He'll give me back that which I have lost!
CARRIE: What exactly did you lose?
BILLYTHRILLY disolves into another fit of tears: I... I didn't know! I DIDN'T KNOW!
PETE: What?
BILLYTHRILLY: There I was, talking to a perfectly lovely woman. She was smart and funny and intelligent. I really liked her!
PETE: What's wrong with that?
BILLYTHRILLY's voice grew venomous: She DECEIVED me! LIED to me!
CARRIE: How?
BILLYTHRILLY glared at the sky through his river of tears: She... We... I... We ran to Las Vegas and got married.
PETE: Sounds kind of impulsive.
BILLYTHRILLY: When I awoke, I saw that her purse had been knocked to the floor during a fit of passion. The contents were spilled everywhere and I saw it! I SAW IT!
CARRIE: What?!
BILLYTHRILLY: Her voter registration card. She's... she's... a liberal! I just can't believe I fell for it!
PETE: Er... but you really liked her?
BILLYTHRILLY: IRRELEVENT! I'm on my way to the courthouse to get an annulment.
CARRIE: And you stopped at a carnival?
BILLYTHRILLY: Um, I wanted a candy apple. So sue me.
CARRIE: Perhaps we should leave him.
PETE: Good idea. Erm, I think the wizard is thataway. (points vaguely in about seventeen directions)
BILLYTHRILLY: Really? Great! (runs off)
----
PETE: Hi! We’ll return you to your regular program in just a minute!
CARRIE: But first, we wanted to talk to you about a very important thing.
PETE: That’s right, Carrie! As you all may know, this Pledge Week here at Absolute Write!
CARRIE: Aren’t all weeks pledge week, Pete?
PETE: Ha! Ha! Good one, Carrie, that sure is true!
PETE: But AW needs your help more than ever. Even now, there are forums full of people who are starving. For as little as five dollars a day, during our fundraiser, we can bring in enough money to bring light to the homeless, shelter to the blind, and food to the greedy !
CARRIE: Um. We already raised the money.
PETE: And hopefully, there will be enough left over to get the shoe-making children a second cup of rice! What? We did?
CARRIE: Yeah. Before we started this.
PETE: No one tells me anything.
CARRIE: But what we can offer you, gentle crowd is…….a skit! Here you are! On Pledge Week!
--
PETE: Hi, Silver King.
SILVER KING: Hi, Pete.
PETE: Say Silver King. I may have joined the army, but I’m a pacifist.
SILVER KING: Dude, you’re that thing that baby’s suck on?
PETE: No, dude, that’s a pedop%(&%(*%^&-------------
PLEASE EXCUSE OUR TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
…
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM, ALREADY IN PROGESS
...
CARRIE: Huh. I wouldn't have believed that was the password to the Mod Forums if you hadn't told me.
PETE: I know! Weird, huh? Such a strange word for it. I mean, of all the words, they pick a fruit?
CARRIE: Not always used as a fruit, either! There are stories! Web-sites even! I've heard!
SUDDENLY! Two large henchmen swoop down! They grab PETE and CARRIE in their big muscular arms!
PETE: Whaaaa? Leggo! I am violated! My Bubble! My personal bubble!
CARRIE's mom instincts kicks in. She bites her attacker's jugular and then throws him into the river, a mile away.
HENCHMAN: Zounds! Shadow Ferret! I have November Foxtrot! Get us out of here!
CARRIE lunges at the other henchman, who vanishes in something that is NOT a transporter beam from Star Trek.
CARRIE: Caaaaarses! Why was I not warned about this happening? Caaaarses! I will rescue thee!
...
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH:
PAT: As you know, Bob...
FERRET: Thadow Ferret, thur.
PAT: Yes, yes. Good grief. Can't I just calll you Bob? A diminutive little nickname?
FERRET: Thurtainly, thur, but it ith not my birthgiven name. I feel throngly about matterth thuch ath thith.
PAT (after a pause to parse out what he said: I don't know. Probably Thursday around eleven. We'll see.
FERRET: .......thertunly, thur.
They march into the dungeon rooms, and there is PETE strapped to a chair.
PAT: At last! We have you in our clutches! You are OURS! Haaa Haaa Haaaaaa!
PETE: And you are?
PAT: What? Pat. Sorry. That was rude of me, wasn't it?
PETE: Yes, sir.
PAT: I AM A GIRL, RIGHT FERRET?
FERRET: Yeth, thur.
PAT sighs heavily and then leans close to his captor.
PAT: Do you know why you are here?
PETE: Because a large man came at me from behind and grabbed me around the midsection.
PAT: You are remarkably unafraid.
PETE: Fairly common occurence, really. Only, he didn't give me five dollars.
PAT: I have need of you, PETE. I have a great need for you.
PETE: Whoa. You give me five dollars, and five dollars for your big beefy guy too. Do I look like a charity lumberjack? I don't think so.
PAT: We shall need the torture equipment for this one.
PETE: What? I'll talk! Ask me something already! Sheesh.
PAT: Oh. Er. Right. Sorry.
PETE: But whatever you do, don't hurt my friend Shadow Ferret!
PAT: AH-HAH!
FERRET: He ith detheiving you, thur. I am aththithting you tholo now.
SCREENMOM SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS!!!!
PAT: WHaaa! Oh my GOD you nearly gave me a heart attack! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
SCREENMOM (abashed): I thought I was supposed to?
PAT: Not yet! It's a LATER scene! Good lord! What here looks like we need screaming?
SCREENMOM: His stretchy pants scare me.
PAT: They excite Ferret. He's clanging his bell a lot. Take him out please.
PETE: Now I have a headache.
PAT: As do I, PRISONER, as do I. And for torture, you may sit here in this uncomfortable chair with the lights on and a headache! While *I* go lie down and have an aspirin! Haa! Haaa! HAaaaaaaa!
PAT leaves. PETE shifts a little, and then dozes off for a bit.
---
CARRIE awakens with a start. She rubs her neck, which was uncomfortably leaned to the side. She looks around. She is apparently in the back room of a bar.
VOICE: You up yet? Come on!
CARRIE: Er, okay, I'm coming!
She hesitantly steps into the main room. A fog of smoke is floating above the poker table.
CARRIE: Poker?
SOCCER MOM: Of course! It's Poker Night!
CARRIE: Oh. Okaaaay...
TINY TERROR clenches a cigar in her teeth: You in or out?
CARRIE: I guess I'm in.
ALIAJOHNSON motions to the chair beside her. Sensing CARRIE'S hesitation, she insists: Don't worry, they don't bite.
CARRIE skeptically eyes the bats perched on ALIA's hat.
TheIT smiles, then remembers she's supposed to have her poker face on.
CARRIE: What are those?
TheIT (grinning): My little clay critters. They bring me good luck!
CARRIE watches as the little clay kitties wrestle on the table: Are they... supposed to move like that?
TheIT: I made those out of special clay.
ALIA: She made my bats, too.
AADAMS and JAYCINTH enter the room and find a seat around the table.
TINY TERROR deals the cards.
KIMMI 57 suddenly leaps up from her spot, clutching her head: MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!
CARRIE: What's wrong?!
PERKS: Don't worry, it'll pass.
KIMMI runs to the corner and sinks to the floor, softly singing: There is a house in New Orleans... They call the Rising Sun...
JANET BELLINGER: BINGO!
TINY TERROR: What?
JANET: I got BINGO!
JAYCINTH: I thought we were playing Poker.
JANET: Oh, I thought this was BINGO. (She spreads her cards out. Three Aces and two Kings.)
AADAMS: I knew I should have sat this hand out!
The sound of lots 'o chips being slid to JANET can be heard.
WACKAMOLE shuffles the cards while TINY TERROR takes a pee break.
SOCCER MOM suddenly stands up, knocking her chair to the floor and spilling chips onto the table: WHAT?! NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!! YOU IDIOT!!!! RUN RUN RUN!!!!! AAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!! THEY SHOULD TRADE YOU TO OAKLAND, YOU PATHETIC MAGGOT!!!!!!!!
CARRIE: Problem?
SOCCER MOM: Nah, I just have the game on my earphone here.
WACKAMOLE deals the cards.
JAYCINTH looks at her cards and giggles.
CARRIE: I didn't really take you for the giggling type.
JAYCINTH: I didn't giggle. If you say that again, I'll kill you.
CARRIE: Sorry.
CACTUS WENDY: So if you were to kill her, what method would you use?
CARRIE: Wha????
CACTUS WENDY: Don't worry, it's just research. That's all. Juuuuuust research.
CARRIE: Why do you keep repeating that?
CACTUS WENDY: No reason... it's just research. Really.
JAYCINTH: Hmmm, good question. I'd probably tie her up with piano wire. If you struggle too much against it, you'll just hack yourself up. Then I'd probably do something like drive down by the river and make her beg for a while and then stuff her in one of those big plastic bags...
AADAMS: Speaking of bags! Those big plastic bags that you can get around Christmastime to put the old dead trees in? PERFECT for a body. I got a bunch on clearance last year that even have handles. Makes it super convenient to carry!
JAYCINTH: I'll have to look for those!
CARRIE: Um, I think I'll go now...
TINY TERROR grabs her shoulder: You're not going anywhere.
CARRIE: Why? You're going to kill me, aren't you? You're all going to gang up and kill me!
AADAMS: Talk about paranoid. Geez.
TINY TERROR: Wow, lay off the caffeine! Nobody's supposed to leave during a game, that's all.
CACTUS WENDY: So what kind of piano wire would you look for?
CARRIE passes out.
---
I didn’t get much out of the Ol’ Fashioned Girl, but I got something from one of the men waiting in line: There was a place I had to get to, a castle, called MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH. It was a place of great evils, a palace of sin, a den of iniquity, a home of mysterious mysteries.
Would the answers to The Great Publish America Caper be there? I didn’t thnk so, and I wouldn’t sleep easy until I’d found them. But then, I never sleep easy. You sleep hard and light all at once, so’s when a man with a knife is at yer throat, you’re ready to widdle yourself. It’s hard, but it keeps me keeping on.
I turned up the collar of my coat and pulled my hat low over my brow. I had a cigarette hanging from my lips, but it was candy, so it was not lit. The rain came down hard on the cobblestones, beating the world down. It did nothin’ to me. I’m already down.
A cat crossed my path. An alley cat. I didn’t think nothin’ of it. I like all God’s creatures plenty good, but I got no love for alley cats. It went behind a Korean restaurant and I bet that if I went in and ordered the kim-ci, I’d still taste the rain. Good riddance to an alley cat.
I got on a train, ‘cause I didn’t know no other way to get to MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH. I found my seat and shook the rain from my coat, and put my hat in my lap.
Next to me sat an old, old man. I knew him, of course. Everyone round these parts knew him. It was James D. Macdonald, and he’s been round these parts longer than I can remember.
“Hello, old timer,” I said, and I wished for a brandy.
James looked at me with wizened old eyes and said, “You should start where your story begins.”
“Been trying to for a long time now,” I assured him, a bitter taste in my mouth. It tasted like a lot of bad years all sitting around.
James added, “American Book Publishing also has far fewer authors than PA.”
I knew he was trying to tell me something I needed, but he’s been around so long, he’s not always talking the same tune that I’m jiving.
“Too true, old man, too true,” I said, and I got off the train.
I was here. I could smell the danger in the air. There was a menacing mountain up ahead with a large castle rising off it. It would have looked beautiful against the full moon, but the sky was full of whispy little white clouds that took the menace out of everything.
I started up to the castle. I didn’t know if I would start back down ever again.
Ah, Vikkie Strauss, if only it could have been us. But now, we’ll never know.
----
AKAERASER stood in the lake, his hip boots darkened by the water. He held his fishing pole firmly, but not too tight.
SILVER KING stood a few feet away.
AKAERASER: Not too bad today.
SILVER KING: Nope, not too bad at all. Not as good as ocean fishing, though.
AKAERASER: Oh, you're telling me. Why, this one time, we were all out in one of those rental fishing boats and they were just biting left and right!
SILVER KING: Dang, I LOVE those trips! Why, last fall, we went out...
From in the sky, a WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE can be heard.
AKAERASER: What was that?
SILVER KING: Not too sure, but it looks like a dragon.
BARDSKYE swoops down on his dragon: Hi, guys! Good fishing today?!
SILVER KING: Yep, pretty good!
AKAERASER: You should join us!
BARDSKYE: Sorry, I'm training this Adirondack Blue some new tricks!
BARDSKYE flies the dragon off into the distance, flipping and twirling.
SILVER KING: So anyway, last fall we were out...
NARRARATOR: Oh. Sorry, guys.
AKAERASER: Who said that?!
SILVER KING: Beats me! Show yourself!
NARRARATOR: OW! OUCH! OW!!! OHMYGODGETITOFFMEGETITOFF!!!!
SILVER KING: HA! I hooked him!
AKAERASER: I'll get the net!
SILVER KING and AKAERASER peer curiously into the net.
AKAERASER: What is it?
SILVER KING: Ick, I don't know, but it looks diseased. Better throw it back.
AKAERASER cuts the hooks from the NARRARATOR's mouth while SILVER KING holds him still. Shortly, they toss him back into the water.
---
Exposition here. My mouth hurts. Just get to the damn scene.
PAT: Have you decided to talk, yet!?
PETE: Sure! What shall we talk about?
PAT: WHERE is your partner? WHERE is Carrie?
PETE: Beats me. Rescuing me?
PAT: WRONG.
PETE: .....okay, I give up. Where is she?
PAT: In my clutches!
PETE: Ohhh, that ain't gonna go well, girlfriend! She's married!
PAT: Not like that. Pervy.
FERRET: Mathter...
PAT: Not now, Shadow Ferret.
PETE: All right, so where is she?
PAT: Right......HERE!
FERRET: Mathter....
PAT: Not NOW! Ferret! BRing us....the CARRIE!
FERRET: thigh. Yeth mathter.
SHADOW FERRET brings in a large bag which has a struggling figure inside of it and it tied shut. It is full of struggling arms and limbs.
PAT: Let her out!
FERRET: Mathter, I feel I thould tell you--
PAT: Do I PAY you to question me!?
FERRET: You do not pay me. Thith ith indetured thervitude.
PAT: Do I indenture you to question me!?
FERRET: No mathter.
SHADOW FERRET dumps out the contents of the bag onto a platform, which is then pushed out over a pit of water and SHARKS which was not previously there.
PAT: What the? Who are YOU?
MYSTERIOUS MALE STRANGER: I am DAVE KUZMINSKI. And you......have caught a very dangerous person.
PAT: What? Who? him? (points at PETE)
DAVE: Yes. He is dangerous! And so is his partner, GARP! CARRIE AND GARP are dangerous!
PETE: Hey! My name is not Carrie!
DAVE: No matter.
PETE: It matters! I get called a girl enough! I don't need it from you too!
DAVE: Fine. You're Pete. But you're one of the three most dangerous people around!
PAT: Wait. Who's the third?
DAVE points.
PAT: .....my assistant Shadow Ferret is DANGEROUS?
DAVE: Yes. Um. I don't mean to complain, but the sharks are snapping...
PAT: They were expecting to be fed thirty seconds ago. How is my Ferret dangerous?
DAVE: Classified. He just is.
FERRET: That's a silly load of silly superstitious codswallop!
There is a very long silence.
PETE: Boy golly, do I hope Carrie is on her way to rescue me........
--
CARRIE awakens and is lying on the ground near a lake: WTF? MUST you keep moving me while I'm asleep?!
NARRARATOR (rubbing his still-aching jaw): Sorry.
Two fishermen look over and wave. CARRIE waves back. After a moments hesitation, she calls out to them.
CARRIE: Excuse me?
SILVER KING: Yes?
CARRIE: I'm trying to rescue my friend PETE.
AKAERASER: Where is he?
CARRIE: I'm not sure. All I know is that he's in the evil clutches of PAT~.
SILVER KING gasps.
AKAERASER: You can go after him alone! Not if he's in the evil clutches of PAT~!
SILVER KING: Let this be a lesson to you. Never trust a poster with a squiggly mark in their name.
CARRIE: Er, okay. But can you help me find PETE?
AKAERASER: He's prob'ly dead by now.
CARRIE: No, I don't think so.
SILVER KING: How can you be so sure?
CARRIE: Long story, basically we share this brain thing and... well, suffice it to say that I would probably just KNOW if he was dead. So can you help me?
SILVER KING: Sure.
AKAERASER: Why not.
They lean close together, talking. Finally, they look into the sky, rip their shirts open and start doing some tribal dance while hooting and hollering. By the way, it's not easy to do a tribal dance while standing hip-deep in a lake. It's just not.
From off in the distance, over the treetops, a figure emerges. A massive winged dragon swoops down.
BARDSKYE: I gather from the Call Of Woman In Distress Looking For Her Friend Pete Who Is In The Evil Clutches Of Pat~ dance that you require my assistance.
CARRIE: Er, yeah.
BARDSKYE: Hop on! I'll take you to Pat~'s lair. You will surely find your friend there.
CARRIE: How do you get on this thing?
BARDSKYE: Duh. Use the ladder.
CARRIE hops on the dragon's back and they speed off, toward Pat~'s lair.
----
PAT, laughing evilly: HAAA! All your plans and worries are for naught! Look! MY Deus Ex machina device fills with each moment as your friends struggle to rescue you! Haaa! HAAA!! HA! HA ! HA !
PETE: So is Zeus going to come down in the end?
PAT: No. Shut up.
----
CARRIE hops off the dragon: Thanks for the ride.
BARDSKYE: No problem. If you ever need my assistance again, just repeat the dance you witnessed earlier.
CARRIE: I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.
BARDSKYE: It's more fun than it looks.
CARRIE: Okay. Are you sure this is the right place?
BARDSKYE points to the mailbox: Yeah, I'm sure.
MAILBOX: LAIR OF EVIL PAT~ The PAT~ who is right now holding PETE hostage! Yes! Here! This is the place! You are DOOMED! DOOOOOOOMED!!!!!
CARRIE: Okay, okay, I get it!
She walks down the sidewalk of a seemingly pleasant cottage. English roses climb trellises on each side of the porch, and fragrant flowers grow all over the well-maintained yard. She rings the doorbell.
The Addams Family theme song rings out. This is the right place.
From the left, a rustling in the bushes.
CARRIE: Who's there?
ALLEY CAT: Dammit, I paid five bucks NOT to be included.
CARRIE: Hey, if you hadn't kept running your mouth, I would have left you out.
ALLEY CAT: You're just...
CARRIE: Watch it.
ALLEY CAT (sneering): What are you gonna do?
CARRIE, quick as lightning, grabs ALLEY CAT by the scruff of the neck. She pulls an electric shaver out of her her pocket and proceeds to shave him, almost completely, leaving only little fluffy balls at his feet and on his face.
ALLEY CAT: I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!!
CARRIE: Yeah, but not til after your fur grows back! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
ALLEY CAT dashes off into the night (yes, it's suddenly night), screaming over his now shaved shoulder: I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!!!
CARRIE watches until he disappears, which he does, but not before giving her the finger, which is surprisingly difficult for a cat to do. But obviously not impossible.
PETE: Hi, Carrie. What's up?
CARRIE: How'd you escape? I was just coming to rescue you!
PETE: Well, it's a funny thing. I had this grain of sand in my sleeve, right? So I used it to irritate my fingernail into growing longer, and then I sharpened it against the edge of the sand, and then I used it to slice through the ropes which bound me to the chair. It was pretty easy.
CARRIE: Impressive!
PETE: Thanks. And they all used to make fun of me for watching Sesame Street. It's amazing what you can learn from that show!
PETE: But there is no time fo rsilly talking! We must hurry back to PAT's lair! She has a deus ex machina machine!
CARRIE: Oh, God, NO!!!! Anything but that!
PETE: Totally that! And I fear that with all the stuff the Narrator's been doing, and all your weird scenery jumps, I fear it may be...TOO LATE FOR US ALL!
CARRIE: But there must be SOMETHING we can do!
PETE: Er. Probably. We could re-wire the machine, or something...? You're pretty smart with...you know...things.
CARRIE: Go on...
PETE: We could raise an army? Shall we muster the troops?
CARRIE: Yes! The troops! Who are the troops?!
PETE blows a trumpet, and the TROOPS arrive!
WRITER TERRI comes up. She has nothing on her feet, for whatever strange reason, and there are a gaggle of men supporting her on a bed, which they carry on their shoulders. One man is feeding her grapes.
TERRI: Hello, dorks.
PETE: We need to penetrate some tough defenses! Do you have your missile toe?
TERRI: Primed and ready!
POETINAHAT arrives. He is driving an old El Camino with bass thumping out of it. The hydraulics go up and down on their own.
JBAL is riding shotgun. The sun glints off the many gold chains around his neck, tangling in his chest hair.
POET: What is up, dudes?
PETE: Hey, can you...you know...run headlong through a hole in the wall? Please?
POET: Sounds like a trip, man!
JBAL: I shall drop unto them as though they were heated!
PETE: Truly!
AWATKINS arrives, all manner of woodland creatures surrounding her, looking up at her in awe. She feeds wild coyotes from the palm of her hand.
CARRIE: That's really impressive.
AWATKINS: They will be a great help on this mission!
CARRIE: You, uh, didn't happen to talk to ALLEY CAT, did you?
AWATKINS: Not lately, why?
CARRIE: No reason. None at all.
PETE: And our medical team is standing by.
PHD Elarian and Dr. Spork salute. They also hold sharp knives. It is less than reassuring. This Narrator is grateful he is above the coming battle.
Also, Sassenach is present. SHe holds a red blanket in her arms, cuddling a small and hairless dog. The dog nuzzles against her and whimpers and whines and she cuddles and soothes it.
PETE: My God. Is that Haggis?
SASSENACH: Quiet. He's had a bad experience in the castle of Pat.
CARRIE: What, like, confined to a kennel?
SASSENACH: No. Pat wanted to talk to Haggis about.....different things.
PETE (horrified): SCRABBLE!?
SASSENACH: ..........yes. I'm just going to take him somewhere safe and people free, then.
TRAIN OF THOUGHT appears and looks around: I somehow thought you'd all be...different.
CARRIE: What do you mean?
TOT: Well, when I posted about meeting fellow AWers, I really thought I wanted to. I mean, you all seem so great online. But...
CARRIE: Yes?
TOT: Eh, nevermind. Are we going to go save PETE or what?
PETE: I'm right here!
TOT: Oh! You're... Uh. Er... So if we're not trying to rescue you, then what ARE we trying to do?
PETE: We've got to destroy the Deus ex Machina Machine that Pat~ is holding!
TOT: You guys really are nuts, aren't you?
PETE: How many posts do you have?
TOT: Shut up.
PETE: you know, TRain of Thought, you're really fairly short.
TOT: Yes? So?
PETE: So one might say you're a......tiny....TOT.....
PETE is amused beyond reason.
ELDRAGON smacks him upside the head: That was for the really bad pun.
PETE: Ow!
ELDRAGON smacks him again: And THAT is for the disgusting kid who jerked off into the salad dressing.
PETE: But I had nothing to do with that!!!!!!
ELDRAGON: No matter.
---
MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH
PAT looks out a window from her fortress of MEANWHILE
PAT: Curses! As you know, Bob, my forces are gathering below me, just outside my white picket fence! If only PETE hadn't fiendishly escaped my clutches!
FERRET: Yeth, mathter.
PAT: And YOU'RE a traitor.
FERRET: Thurtainly, thur. Thall I throw the intruder to the thharkth?
PAT: What? Good grief, no. Let him be, he's narrating something or another to himself.
--
I could see that I was in trouble, and it was familiar country to me. I had my passport dog eared and everything. There were sharks below me, mouths full of teeth that all wanted a piece of me. Nothing new. Anyone who's been divorced a few times can stand up and go "yo" to that. All I needed was a plan and fortunately, I had one, tucked away in a holster in my jacket.
---
PAT: Anyway. We have our own army. FERRET! Summon....my TROOPS!
FERRET summons her TROOPS, which mostly involves opening the cell doors and Letting Them Out.
TIGER! steps forward, mouth full of sparks as his gums of steel rub against each other!
and UNIQUE, who is special and loves everybody, especially you, and wants only the best, and hopes things turn out okay!
And also....BIROL.
BIROL steps out of her cell, cocks her fedora on her head, and puts her shotgun up against her shoulder. There's a bandolier across her, but it's got some bullets and some teeth.
BIROL: What's up, you lot.
PAT: er. Hey! Nothing much, just, you know, hanging. Got some troublemakers outside, if you wanted to--
BIROL is not paying attention. She's looking at Dave Kuzminski, Private Eye.
---
I always saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and it was always nothing but a search and rescue party looking for someone else who wasn't me. But when this dame stepped outta her cell, blam, it was like a slugger through the heart, and I could tell you stories about that. She was a knockout, that sexy bandolier full of those hot teeth, that gun, those green eyes, that hat. The woman of my dreams, the siren of the sailors of my soul! Oh! But I knew she must be mine!
I leapt from the platform over the shark pit, and love lifted me up where I belonged, which was in the air over the shark pit. I landed safely on the side of the pit, and the dame said, "Damn, you're a fine man."
"The finest," I intoned lustily, "Shall we blow this joint? I got some digs we can dig."
And so we did. There may be crime and villiany and Editors, but I got a damn dame on my arm, and things are good. Problems are like hangovers: I'll worry about 'em tomorrow.
---
PAT: HAAA! PERFECT! HE has left with Birol in a strange and contrived manner which had no previous indication! My machine is FULLY CHARGED! My machine LIIIIIIIVES! Now, the army cannot stand against me! Not against.....THE MACHINA MACHINE!
FERRET: They're coming up the garden path, thur.
PAT: Throw the switches, IGOR! THROW THEM!
FERRET: Who'th Igor, thur?
PAT: Sorry. Sorry. Just got a little confused there. The SWITCHES! Throw them! FIRE the cannon!
FERRET shuffles over to a row of switches, which he flips. And then, he rings his bell. A bunch. Listlessly.
PAT: Say it! Say it!
FERRET: The end is nigh.
PAT: THE END IS!!!! THE END IS --
SCREENMOM SCREAMS A SOUND OF UTTER TERROR!!!!
PAT: Perfect! Thank you! YOu can go.
FERRET: I don't thee what Bill Nye the Thienthe Guy hath to do with thith...
PAT: You are a moment destroyer. *ahem* THE END IS...er....FAST APPROACHING!!!
The MACHINA MACHINE fires it's death beam out a window, off a mirror, reflects off the rearview mirror of POET's El Camino, ricochets off of a small pebble, and strikes --
---
ALLEY CAT: YOU!
CARRIE: Me?
PETE: Her?
TROOPS: Them?
ALLEY CAT: Knock it off!
PETE: Who?
ALLEY CAT, shaking with rage: HER!
CARRIE: Me?
PETE: Her?
ALLEY CAT: STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!
CARRIE: Stop what?
PETE: Yeah. What?
ALLEY CAT: THAT!!!!!
PETE: Geez, we just want to be sure who you're referring to. Her, right?
CARRIE: I think he means you.
ALLEY CAT rips a tuft of hair from his poofy head: NO! YOU!!!
PETE: ME?
ALLEY CAT: NOT YOU!!!!! HER!!!!!!!
CARRIE: Oh, me?
ALLEY CAT, pointing one poofy paw at CARRIE, stalks towards her.
CARRIE: I thought you ran off in shame and embarrassment.
ALLEY CAT: I did. But now I'm back to make you PAY for what you've done to me!
Unfortunately, ALLEY CAT stepped directly into the Machina Machine's death beam. As he lay twitching, a small curl of smoke wafted from his tail. The poof of hair had been singed off.
CARRIE: You're going to want some conditioner on that.
SCREENMOM LETS OUT A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM!
EVERYONE looks at her.
SCREENMOM: That was right, right?
PAT slaps her forehead. (Her own, not Screenmom's.)
No one noticed ALLEY CAT's twitching body begin to transform. No one noticed when his body began to stretch. No one noticed when he stood and donned a red uniform. No one noticed the first note...
But quickly, everyone turned to find the deep baritone that so lovingly belted out:
O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
When the last strains of the anthem rang out, there was nary a dry eye in the house. Well, on the sidewalk. And in the garden.
No one bothered to point out that we weren't in Canada. Particularly in the face of the majestic RCMP officer that stood before them. He saluted the crowd, then whistled.
A fine black steed galloped out of the house and to his side.
PAT: Come back here, Horse!
HORSE: Neigh! Pbbbbt, pbbbbbbt! Neigh!
PAT: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
HORSE: Pbbbbbt!!
The Mountie grabbed PAT and dragged her across the street. Everyone watched as he picked up a bunch of rope from the abandoned hardware store that had somehow spilled its contents onto the sidewalk.
SOMEONE FROM IN THE CROWD: Who ARE you?!
MOUNTIE (twirling his curly moustache): I AM CHUNKY C!!!!!
SOMEONE: Oh.
CHUNKY: You fools! You all think PAT was teh villain here, but she wasn't! She WASN'T! IN fact, she's not PAT at all! She's....
CHUNKY struggled to pull PAT's face off.
PAT: What the hell are you doing?!
CHUNKY: Revealing your TRUE identity!
PAT: But I'm not wearing a fake FACE! STOP PULLING!!
CHUNKY: Oh. Sorry. Well, the pain in your face will be nothing compared to the pain in your legs and probably somewhere in your midsection... when the TRAIN comes along!
EVERYONE: Gasp!
CHUNKY: MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!
PAT: EEEK! Somebody! Save me!
CHUNKY ties PAT to the railroad tracks.
A TRAIN whistle is heard in the distance.
CHUNKY secures PAT to the train tracks and mounts his trusty steed.
PAT: Heh heh, you mounted your steed.
CHUNKY: YOU may not have been wearing a fake face, PAT, But I AM!
He grasps his face and tugs. Nothing happens.
CHUNKY: Shit. This thing ALWAYS sticks. Hang on...
EVERYONE waits patiently.
CHUNKY: Ok, here we go. I'm NOT really mild-mannered Chunky C! I'm....
EVERYONE: Al Gore?
CHUNKY: No! This stupid thing...
EVERYONE: Burt Reynolds?
CHUNKY: NO! Stop guessing!
EVERYONE: Sally Struthers?
CHUNKY: NO! Now STOP guessing!! I'm.... BIROL!!
EVERYONE: Gasp!
BIROL: HA! You stupid FOOLS!! You should have known I'd find a way to outsmart all of you!
VOICE IN CROWD: Er, how exactly did you outsmart us?
BIROL: WHO said that?!
CBEASY steps forward: I did.
BIROL: I thought you were left for dead in the first part?
CBEASY: I was. After that, I was raised by a pack of wolves. When I was strong enough, I taught myself to speak and make my way in society. And I began following you. I knew you were up to no good.
BIROL: But...
CBEASY: There's NO WAY I'll let you hurt PAT.
BIROL: Okay.
CBEASY: Since you asked, the reason I won't allow you to hurt her is because... SHE'S MY MOTHER!!
EVERYONE: Gasp!
PAT: What?!
CBEASY: Well, perhaps not my mother. But she IS my aunt. On my dad's side.
PAT: Oh yeah! Boy you've sure grown up!
BIROL: You'll never untie her in time!
CBEASY: What do you...
TRAIN is approaching. For effect, it's one of those really old steam engines that makes the really cool PSSSSSHHT noises as the wheels go around and the steam is coming out and - OH MY GOD IT'S GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER!!! WILL HE MAKE IT IN TIME?!
EVERYONE: Gasp!
CBEASY rushes over to the tracks and begins to untie PAT.
CBEASY: Wait a minute... what's that!?
He rushes to the sidewalk, you know, beside the hardware store? Well there's this LEVER! Yes! A lever! CBEASY PULLS THE LEVER AND...
Nothing happens.
WAIT! Something is happening!
PAT: You idiot! Why are you wasting time on the sidewalk!? UNTIE ME!!!
A voice rings out! MATHTER!!
FERRET rushes toward the tracks and jumps in front of the train, which is moving in really dramatic slow-motion! He puts his back against the train! He braces his little feet against the tracks! And pushes with ALL HIS MIGHT!
The train begins to slow!
CBEASY: WTF? How is a little FERRET going to stop a TRAIN?
EVERYONE glares at CBEASY.
An ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL WITH BLONDE CURLS AND BIG BLUE EYES steps out of the crowd: Have faith, Mister Beasy, just have faith! My bell rang. And you know that every time a bell rings a ferret stops a train!
CBEASY: WTF? No, every time a bell rings an ANGEL gets its WINGS.
PETE grabs CBEASY by the scruff of the neck: Not in OUR story, pal!
The train is only INCHES away from PAT! OH NO! It's slowing! BUT IS IT ENOUGH?!
FERRET: My feet hurt!
EVERYONE: Don't give up! You can do it!
Suddenly, the streets are filled with people chanting! FER-RET! FER-RET!
FERRET's widdle feet touch the edge of PAT's ropes and...
stop.
EVERYONE: *sigh of relief*
SANREMOAVE: I'm here! *looks around* Crap. Late again!
FERRET: Mathter! You knew I'd thave you!
PAT: Yeth! Er, yes! I knew you'd save me!
They hug.
EVERYONE: Aaaaawwwwww
ADORABLE GIRL: Do you see, Mister Beasy? Do you see now?
---
It's 3 AM.
A phone rings.
CARRIE: Hulloh?
PETE: WTF was THAT?!
CARRIE: What was WHAT?
PETE: The ending of that story! We can't post that!
CARRIE: I'm insulted.
PETE: Er, well, don't be insulted...
CARRIE: Well I AM. You drag me into this challenge, work my fingers to the bone, and now you want to play Mister Editor?! Well I'm NOT HAVING IT!
PETE: Okay! Okay! Sorry!
CARRIE: Look, we'll have tea and discuss it before it's posted, okay?
PETE: I'm kind of busy right now...
( JAH! Oh JES! EES MAGNIFICENT! )
CARRIE: Uh, what was that?
PETE: Er... Nothing?
CARRIE: Okay...
---
3 AM
PETE awakens in a cold sweat and grabs the phone.
CARRIE: Hulloh?
PETE: Did I just call you?
CARRIE: What? No.
PETE: Okay, good.
CARRIE: The nightmares again?
PETE: Yeah.
CARRIE: Well, just try to get back to sleep.
PETE: Okay. You're right. Are we going for tea tomorrow?
CARRIE?: Jah! Oov course ve are!
PETE: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
CARRIE: Heh heh heh, just screwing with you!
PETE: Why would you be so evil?!
CARRIE: Twenty-four hour deadline ring a bell?
PETE: Oh. I thought that bit was part of the nightmare. Look. I'm going back to sleep.
CARRIE: I'm not convinced that I have actually woken up yet. This is probably still a dream.
PETE: You're whacky at 3AM.
CARRIE: WHich is probably why people generally fail to call me at three in the morning.
PETE: Well, must go! Lots of non-Bjornness sleeping to do! Good night!
CARRIE: MMmfff.
and they lived. The End.
But then, when you're on the trail of Ruthless Bad Guys, it always is. Ain't no other night, not even when it's sunny.
My name is Dave. Dave Kuzminski. Private Eye. There's a trio of chumps, triplet stooges, and they're messing up authors and leaving them for dead in the gutter. No one does that to my authors. No one. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this, no matter what it takes.
It was raining outside, but all the thunder and lightning were in my heart, deep down, where I kept it under house arrest. I had my feet up on my desk, my gun sitting within easy reach, 'cause you don't get where I am without a few enemies, and I've got enough to populate a monastary. I had the first glass of brandy in my hand, drying to drown my sorrow.
A knock on the door. I didn't say anything, and just waited for it to open.
A dame came in, and she was a knockout. I knew her at once. Vikkie Strauss. Every inch a lady, or a hunter, depending on what day you catch her. I'd hate to go up against her some night in an alley, but then, I'm a lover, not a fighter. She was cool and calm and she slunk into my office and shut the door behind her.
"A.C.'s heard somethin'," she said, her voice like a smokey room where there aren't any man coughing. "Something bad, D.K."
"I heard it too," I said, and I tried not to fall in love with her on the spot.
Falling in love is hard on the knees, just like Winger said. Besides, she was a woman on a mission, and nothing comes of that but tea and cupcakes. I hate cupcakes.
I said, "I'm moving on things later tonight. I got all my ducks in a row, and soon, I'm going to start figuring out the pecking order."
"Be careful," Vikkie said, and I knew she meant it. "They play for keeps."
"I know," I said, "But I play for gives."
...
PETE: Hey, look at that.
CARRIE: Whoa.
PETE: I didn't know we ACTUALLY had a Water Cooler around here. I
thought it was just one of those, you know....
CARRIE: Figures of speech?
PETE: That's the bunny. Ew. what's that floating in the water?
CARRIE: That's the bunny!
PETE: No.....it's some sort of weird silver fish. I can't quite place it. Seems familiar. Oh well.
CARRIE: Do you feel an ominous sense of forboding?
PETE: No, I've always been very clean in that respect.
They walk to the end of the hall and out into the main lobby of ABSOLUTE WRITE. The lobby is two miles across, small change compared to the rest of the Absolute Write empire buildings.
At the front desk, RLLGTHUNDER sits answering phones.
RLLGTHUNDER: Thank you for calling AW, I am not wearing pants. Hello? Hello? Thank you for calling AW, I have a disfiguring crotch disease. Hello....? STOP HANGING UP.....!
PETE: Hey, remember Spooky?
CARRIE: What? No. Whazzat?
PETE: Some guy, used to hang around the forums. Died long ago, in jail.
CARRIE:........I thought that was Dclary?
...
There weren't enough shadows here for me to hide in, but I filled them out with the ones in my heart. I had had too much brandy to drink, but it just me sharper, harder. Tonight, I was diamond. I was a rock. And speaking of rocks, I had one to see.
Maccy Stone. Toughest Cookie around. Tougher than macademia cookies.
This one, I had to play careful.
I snuck into her office through a floor drain in the bathroom. No easy feat, but I've been broken so many times, I fit through anything. I came into her office, all dark and windows and television screens, bathed in the electronic glow, and I advanced toward the chair behind the massive desk.
It turned slowly toward me, though I had made no sound at all, and I knew she had heard me. Probably knew I was coming before I did.
"Dave Kuzminski," said a voice, strange and deep and all over the place,
"You are here....now."
"Hey, doll," I said. I played her like I played any dame; careful and from a distance. Dames are like live electrical wires. If it weren't for the rubber on the outside, they would give you a sharp shock every time.
"You are looking for the Three Who Are One."
"You know it, peaches,"
"She is not one of them."
I frowned, because I knew who she meant, and I knew what she was. wasn't nothing good about Scarletta Peaches. Nothin' good in that heart, nothin' good in that soul. She was like a rabid doberman:
I said, "You know I'm gonna do what I do," and I wanted to light a cigarette, but I didn't, 'cause that's not polite inside around non-smokers and I wouldn't want to offend anyone because then they might see me in a dim light and I would think less of myself because of it.
Maccy Stone stood up and came into the light. She was a knockout, but then, weren't they all? I put my heart in solitairy confinement and hit it with a rubber stick, just to be safe.
"You're not in a good place, Dave," She said.
I said, "Ain't nowhere better than right now."
....
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH: The ranch, in this case, being a small mountain. It is bright and sunny and the birds are chirping and the rabbits are dancing and singing and the Elves are all out and painting eggs!!!!
PAT~: This is terrible weather to be an Evil Genius.
SHADOW_FERRET (polishing his bell): Yeth, mathter.
PAT~: Not a cloud in the sky.
FERRET: No, mathter.
PAT~: Yes, this weather makes me want to hurt someone. Oh yes. Do you not agree.......Bjorn?
HAGGIS: I.....am not Bjorn.
PAT~: Ohhhh no?
HAGGIS: Do I look like a large Swedish man with gorgeous muscles and beautiful skin, so oiled that you could just squeeze it and die happy, as my raven locks fall down around your face, gently tickling your skin as I lean in close to kiss you, whispering my undying love?
PAT~: Well. Not as such.
HAGGIS: There you go.
PAT~: But....I love it when you talk like that. And for a dog....you're pretty hot.
HAGGIS: Wha? WHAT?
PAT~: Yes. Ferret! Leave us be!
FERRET: Abtholutely, mathter.
FERRET closes the doors as PAT~ advances on HAGGIS.
FERRET (mutters): Creepy animal lovers. It's just weird. So strange.
...
I knew my first target, and I struck hard, and fast. One less person in the Axle of Evil, and I knew my night had gone to a good cause, way better than those Salvation Army blokes.
...
PETE: That's a dead body.
CARRIE: That's a deer.
PETE: It's a human being! Ish! Thing! Look at the face!
CARRIE: The FACE on that is your defense for it being human? Defends it being an Orc, I guess.
PETE: Okay, how about the name tag? Huh? "C. Beasy.?" That mean anything to you.
CARRIE: It means the gene pool has been spared?
PETE: You have no love in your soul, sister.
CARRIE (shooting Pete a withering glare): "Sister"?
PETE: Sorry.
CARRIE: What do you think killed it?
PETE (studying the gaping teeth marks): Gunshot wound?
CARRIE: Ha.
PETE: Then why'd you ask?
CARRIE: I mean, WHAT do you think killed it? As in WHAT kind of beast?
PETE: Oh. Maybe a giraffe?
CARRIE: NEVER MIND! (stomps off)
PETE: I think I'm going to be sick!
CARRIE: Why?
PETE: Look!
PETE holds up a corner of what used to be C Beasy's pants.
CARRIE: Dude, you've got issues.
PETE: No, no, I'm not looking at THAT, I'm looking at this!
CARRIE (edging closer): Oh for the love of god, what IS that?
PETE: It looks like... like... a cat! Some twisted mutant cat!
ALLEY FELINE (*disclaimer: not to be confused with ALLEYCAT, who paid his five bucks NOT to be included in this tale!): AHOY, Mateys!
PETE vomits on the ground beside C Beasy's half-eaten corpse.
CARRIE: Did you... eat him?
ALLEY C... er FELINE (glances at the corpse): No! That's disgusting!
CARRIE: Then how did you get in his abdomen?
ALLEY FELINE: Er... OH NO! WHAT'S THAT! OVER THERE!!!
CARRIE and PETE whirl around. They see nothing, and when they turn back, ALLEY FELINE is gone.
C BEASY: errrrmmguh...
PETE: What did you say?
CARRIE: Me? Nothing. I thought you burped.
PETE: I don't think so. But excuse me, just in case.
CARRIE: Sure.
They turn to exit the forest.
PETE: How'd we get in a forest?
CARRIE: I've given up trying to figure these things out.
C BEASY: help... me...
PETE: Hmmm?
CARRIE: What did you have for lunch, anyway?
PETE: Wait, I think it was him!
CARRIE: But he's dead.
C BEASY feebly reaches up, pleading with his remaining eye for them to help him.
CARRIE nudges him with her foot: No, I think he's dead.
PETE: Do dead people move?
CARRIE: Sure. It has something to do with the gasses remaining in the bloodstream or some such thing.
PETE: Oh. Okay.
C BEASY: hate... you... idiots...
---
I was running through the jungle, just like in that famous James Brown song. I didn't know how I'd got here, but I'd been around these parts enough to know that sometimes, the scenery just changes. You adapt and you get on with it, ain't no room for whiners out here. only room for lumberjacks in stretchy pants, tall pieces of wood, and lovely forest animals.
There they were, up ahead, the source of all the problems and woes of young authors everywhere. I didn't have names for them, not yet, I called them "Garp" and "Carrie" because those seemed like fitting names. I etched the names into my soul, and I had to etch tiny, because there wasn't a lot left, not after this hard knock life, just like that famous Run DMC song.
Cool as a cucumber, I had a knife in my hand and I slipped amongst the trees and tiptoed through the tulips, getting closer and closer. The one called "GARP" had just said something about gasses in the blood stream, and the one called "CARRIE" said "Oh. Okay." About it. Not great minds, I could tell right now, but I wouldn't underestimate them. They were dangerous. I don't underestimate nobody, not since Babs Baur. I underestimated the numbers of arms she had. I don't make that mistake, I carry lots of knives now.
Ten feet. Fifteen feet. Eight feet. Twelve feet away. This wasn't easy going, it was a thick jungle. I had been welcomed to the jungle, like in that famous Beatles classic, which I had listened to the last time I said good-bye to my feelings, my love and my happiness and stuff.
The one called "GARP" pulled out something which looked like a cell phone, and he held it in front of his face. He said something that I did not hear, and I knew that my moment was now! This was the final countdown, like that classic Chuck Berry song! I rushed at them, RUSHED, but they dissolved in sparkling beams of light and I knew that I had lost them to the deep clutches of outer space and the ship which waited for them there.
But then, they were not the only ones with a ship. I tucked my knives away and ran back through the jungle, toward my own starship--
---and fell through a trap door. Just like I feel through life.
...
PETE: So where should we go?
CARRIE: I'm parched. Let's stop in this conveniently located MOONBUCKS tea shop.
PETE: Great! Just don't let me order that nasty coffee-flavored tea again.
CARRIE pushes open the door and they step through into an eerie silence.
The tea shop is barely lit. The spot behind the counter is empty. No clerk. No whirring of the industrial equipment required to create one of eleventy billion different varieties of tea.
PETE: Hellooo?
Hellooo... hellooo... hellooo comes the echoed reply.
CARRIE: Well that's weird.
PETE: If I don't get some tea, I'm going to be annoyed.
CARRIE: But I think there's something interesting going on!
PETE (stamping foot and crossing arms over chest): But I don't WANNA see something interesting! I WANT TEA!
A small shadowy figure darts throught he shadows behind the counter.
PETE: What was that?!
CARRIE: It looked like a Chihuahua. Or a large rat.
PETE (shuddering): Either way, they need to get an exterminator in here!
CARRIE: I agree. (leaning across counter, trying to peer into back room) HELLO? IS ANYBODY HERE?
PETE: Shhhh! Listen!
CARRIE cocks her head to listen. The muffled sound of voices is coming from somewhere in the back. She starts to go around the counter.
PETE: What are you doing?!
CARRIE: I'm thirsty! I'm going to make my own damn tea.
PETE: Cool. I'll have a...
CARRIE: I don't work here. Make your own.
CARRIE and PETE make themselves tall grade mucho big styrofoam cups of yummy delicious tea. The voices are clearer from their spot behind the counter.
CARRIE: Shall we?
PETE (who is up for anything now that he has his tea): Sure, why not!
They tiptoe into the backroom.
CARRIE: It's just a storage room. This is weird.
PETE: Look!
He points to a row of seemingly normal lockers. One of the doors is askew. He cautiously pulls it open.
CARRIE: Well? What is it?
PETE, speechless, merely points.
CARRIE comes over to look into the locker. Only... it's not a locker. The locker door opens into a pathway that looks as though it were cut through stone. She nudges Pete: Well? Go!
PETE: You go first.
CARRIE: You're the big strong man, YOU go. Unless you're a wuss.
PETE: I am NOT a wuss!
PETE steps through the doorway. CARRIE follows. The voices become louder, but not particularly clearer. The voices are rhythmic, hypnotic. They walk carefully down the uneven path and come to a heavy wooden door.
PETE (sipping his tea): It looks like some kind of old castle door or something.
CARRIE: Open it!
PETE pushes the door open. They step through into what appears to be an old world tavern. Still, they see no one.
Suddenly, a woman appears behind the counter: Wott'l you be havin'?
PETE: Er, I have tea, thanks.
CARRIE: Um, hi. What is this place?
The woman laughs heartily: Yer new here, then?
CARRIE: Yes.
WOMAN: They call me Ol' Fashioned Girl. Ye can call me OFG. Wot they call you?
PETE (transfixed on her ample bosom): erm
CARRIE (slapping Pete upside the head): I'm Carrie, and this is Pete.
OFG: Welcome to the Sanctuary.
CARRIE: Sanctuary?
PETE: erm...
OFG adjusts her wenchy gown: Aye, the Sanctuary.
CARRIE: Where are those voices coming from?
OFG: The meeting room, a'course. Today's the Moderateers meeting.
CARRIE: Moderateers?
OFG: Aye, it sucks. But Muskateers was taken. Ditto Mousekateers.
PETE: erm
CARRIE: Are we in danger?
OFG (laughing): From the Moderateers? Only if ye be spammers or canno' behave in the forums!
PETE (snapping back to the present): Forums?
OFG: A'course! Yer in the world o' Absolute Write!
The voices are louder now. CARRIE turns the corner and opens another heavy wooden door. Her tea drops to the floor.
The room is dark, the stone walls damp. A low round table nearly fills the room. Around the table are thirty-nine chairs. In each chair is a...
CARRIE: What ARE they?
PETE: Rats?
CARRIE (squinting through the darkness and sudden mood fog): I don't think so...
PETE: Chihuahuas?
OFG: If ye will excuse me, I must be off.
CARRIE: Where to?
OFG: T' enjoy the first of me dozens of sordid affairs!
OFG motions to a table. Seated around it are 36 incredibly handsome men, all patiently waiting for OFG's attentions. Men of all shapes and sizes, all colors and builds, with one notable exception.
BJORN (appearing suddenly, on his knees, grasping at OFG's skirts): Why I not qualify to sit and vait for you, OFG??
OFG: I told you! I've got a Swede at home. If I'm going to indulge in dozens of wild liasons, I want some variety!
CARRIE: Psst! Your accent!
OFG: Ach!
BJORN lies on the floor, weeping.
OFG: Ye! Number four!
#4: My name is...
OFG: Did I ask ye anything?!
#4 falls silent, grinning as he follows OFG through yet another door.
---
PETE: Narrative, please!
Sorry.
As it turned out, Garp and Carrie didn't go into space. There was no one there, and so I came home. I had looked into the black abyss and the abyss looked back into me, and it said it didn't want no trouble. So I turned my ship around and I came back home.
Waiting for me was Willie "Bones" Haskins. He's rough and tough, and I'm glad he's on my side, cause that's the only safe side to be on. He could drop you like you're hot, but you'd be cold when you landed. True story.
Willie had his feet up on a desk, and he was eating what looked like an exotic species of free verse poet. The poet kept telling him about art, but Haskins kept on crunching. I didn't share his taste, I went more for the fanfiction myself, they're more tender and juicy, but Haskins has his interests and I let him have 'em.
"Ain't nothin' goin' good," I said when I came in. I wanted a brandy, but I knew it was a whiskey kind of a night. There was Whiskey in the jar, like that classic song that I don't know who did it because I hate music.
Haskins said, "nothing goes good until you die and then youre dead"
"True 'nuff," I said. "How's the prisoner?"
"imprisoned"
"Right. I'm going to og talk to him."
Not many people know that our little two story floor has a dungeon. It's kind of hard to spot. It's just to the left of the bathroom. I took the stairs down and went to the man strapped to the chair.
"Talk to me, Spooky." I said. I turned on a bright light, because I knew he didn't like things which reminded him of daylight.
"Wha? Whaaaa??? Get off my land!" Spooky said, looking wild at me. "Bugrit Millennium Hand and Shrimp! I told 'im I sez I sez I told him!"
This is pretty normal. I didn't hit Spooky, it's not my style. I gave him a LOOK, something I learned long ago from Women. It withered him.
"now. Tell me where your associates are."
"Bugrit! Closet shrimp hand fish monkey doo doo."
Fortunately, I understood him. He may be insane, but I'm so sane that I've come all the way round the circle to his end of things. You wouldn't understand.
"I see. So Carrie and Garp have gone through a locker and are currently listening to a meeting of the Moderateers? Fascinating. I know this Old Fashioned Girl of which you speak. I shall have to ply myself upon her, and invegile myself into their midst!"
"Harp Harp Slowgry Bargleb." Spooky agreed.
----
PETE leans over CARRIE's shoulder to get a better look at the creatures seated around the table. He leans a bit too far and they topple into the room. Thirty-nine pairs of beady eyes shifted to get a look at them. As they scrambled to their feet, they realized that the little critters were covered in dark brown cloaks, their hoods covering their heads, cinched around their chins so that only their snouts peeked out.
CARRIE: Would you get OFF me so I can move?
PETE (captivated by the odd sight): Sorry.
They scramble to their feet.
PETE: Er, hi?
One of the creatures waved a paw: Who are you? Why have you violated the Inner Sanctum?
PETE: Sorry, we just wanted some tea.
A different creature: I TOLD you having a MOONBUCKS as a front would never work!
Yet another: But NOBODY drinks TEA in AMERICA. Just coffee.
And another: Obviously not EVERYBODY, bonehead.
PETE: Uh, forgive me for asking, but how do you guys keep each other straight?
The first creature replied: We have nametags.
CARRIE (nudging PETE): Um, maybe we should go now. They're a little... weird.
PETE: I think they're cute.
Six of the critters lunged at PETE, pinning him to the wall: NEVER! Never call us CUTE!
CARRIE: What are you?
The reply came from the deepest, darkest, foggiest shadow in the room: We are the Moderateers. We are a secret society of AW Movers and Water Cooler shakers. We are the Spam killers and the Flame Rumblers. WE! ARE! MODERATEERS! Haaail the conquering hero!
CARRIE: Yes. Thank you. I get the idea.
VOICE: Er, sorry, I got carried away. I am the leader. My name is MAC. You may call me... Mac.
CARRIE: What's the difference?
MAC: The little a and c. See? MAC. Mac.
CARRIE: Uh. Okay.
MAC: And now, going clockwise, in alphabetical order, I will introduce you to the rest. I expect you to remember their names. There WILL be a quiz later.
PETE giggles.
CARRIE: Shut up.
PETE: I do better at quizzes than yooooooou do!
CARRIE: Shhh!! Pay attention!
MAC: aka eraser, AmyBA, awatkins, batyler65, Betty W01, Cassie88, Cathy C, Dawno, dpaterso, E.G. Gammon, Ella, emeraldcite, Fahim, Good Word, Greenwolf103, James D. Macdonald, jdkiggins, JennaGlatzer, JenNipps, Joe Calabrese, NYC area, JoeEkaitis, katiemac, Liam Jackson, maestrowork, Medievalist, Melina, Nomad, poetinahat, Pthom, Roger J Carlson, rtilryarms, Saritams8, TemlynWriting, veinglory, victoriastrauss, Yeshanu, and jst5150, the Keeper of the Calendar.
PETE: Oh, please. That wasn't even tricky.
MAC flashes a patient smile. There is a hint of evil. She waves a paw and there is the sudden scraping of chairs as each creature leaps to his... uh... feet? and they all shuffle! Shuffle into different spots!
CARRIE: Good going.
PETE: Shit.
MAC: Now, your quiz. You must answer three questions. If you answer all three correctly, we will not ban you. Now. Who is... THAT!
PETE follows the direction of her paw: That is Maestrowork.
MAC: Very good. How did you know?
PETE: He's the only one crooning love songs about a hot tub.
MAC: And that one?
PETE: That is Fahim. The laptop gave it away.
MAC: Impressive. And now... (she pauses, scratching her chin) THAT one.
PETE (gulps): Uh...
CARRIE: Come on, you can do it!
PETE: I... I'm not...
CARRIE: Wait! I know this one!
PETE: But you suck at quizzes!
CARRIE: No! Really! I know this one! It's DAWNO!
MAC: Very good. How did you know?
CARRIE: The sparklies.
PETE mumbles something.
CARRIE: What?
PETE: Nothing. It's just...she's eating waffles. It could be Jenna.
CARRIE: JENNA has nothing glowing on top of her head.
PETE: That we know about! Expert, are you? Huh? She might have.....gotten something!
CARRIE: And DAWNO might have gotten waffles, PETE...
PETE: And Jenna might have gotten sparkles, CARRIE.
MAC: Hah! The shades of doubt do fill your thoughts, and you are overcome and torn apart! Your marriage will not last!
PETE: I still think it's Jenna....what? What? We're not married?
CARRIE: Ew!
PETE: You could so easily have said "unfortunately" instead. Hey! Um....rat! Are you Dawno or Jenna?
The Rat says nothing.
CARRIE: Great green globs of greasy grimey Gryphon guts!
RAT: Hey! That's offensive! TAKE THAT BACK!
CARRIE: Hah! It's Joe Ekeitis!
PETE: ......wearing sparklies, and eating waffles?
MAC: Er....We don't talk about him much. Moving on!
PETE: Those are the smallest high heels I've ever seen is all I'm saying
MAC: MOVING ON, SIR!
CARRIE: Yes please.
MAC: You have passed the test. You will be allowed to live. The council will now ask you a series of questions, which we need answers to.
PETE: Er. Okay.
MAC: Right. Now. We are wondering. Why is it in Part I of the Pete & Carrie Variety Hour, no one could tell that it was Spooky lying mangled in the back of the truck?
PETE: Because it was probably a deer or a moose or something.
MAC: That helps our debate not at all. In Part II of the Variety Hour, why did Bjorn and eventually Sven come to see you first, and not Carrie?
PETE: Because I was having a restful night's sleep and God hates me.
NAMELESS RAT: I expected you would have more respect for your adoring fans!
CARRIE: And you are...?
RAT: Who am I? WHO AM I???? I AM ROGER J. CARLSON THE THIRD, if that's okay with YOU! GAWD!
PETE: Right. Sorry.
CARRIE: I think....that I've hit my creeped out level. Shall we go?
PETE: Yes, lets. 'Er. Gather your questions and mail them to us, huh? We'll answre them. On the forums. In the Share Your Work poetry section.
RAT: You can't fool us! You NEVER go in there!
PETE: No time for talking! Must fly!
And so they fly back into the tavern.
CARRIE: That was awfully literal.
They look around. There are now only three hunky men left at OFG's table. OFG is behind the counter, happily sipping at a stein of beer. A pile of 33 exhausted hunks has collected near the trash bin.
CARRIE: They're so... skinny now! Like they've been...
OFG: Drained? (she grins and goes back to her drink, looking surprisingly fresh)
--
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH
PAT~: As you know, Bob...
FERRET: I'm thadow ferret, thur.
PAT~: As you know, Shadow Ferret, my secret plan is to finish this Death Ray Beam Emitter which will gather the power of all the Deus Ex Machinas int he world and channel them into one great and powerful beam, striking the Absolute Write members down in one fell swoop!
FERRET: Yeth, thur. And then what, thur?
PAT~: What? Er. I don't know. Rule the world and everything. Have a quiet romantic weekend with Haggis. How is he, by the way?
FERRET: Thtill crying himthelf to thleep, thur.
PAT~: Never mind, that'll pass in time. Where is my lovely lab assistant?
FERRET: Out thick, thur. We have a replathment waiting to provide thuththinct aththithtanthe.
PAT~ puzzles a moment.
PAT~: Oh! Succinct Assistance! Right! Well, show her in.
The door to the lab CREAKS open, because that's what it does, and a woman walks in. She is wearing a very large nametag, which says "Screenmom" on it.
FERRET: Thhe hath arrived, thur.
PAT~: Greetings, Screen Mother! I am PAT THE MAGNFICANT! And am a woman, despite my hunchbacked assistant's repeated usage of the word "sir."
SCREENMOM: Is that what he's trying to say?
PAT~: Best guess, yes. Now. You are the mother of all screens, yes?
SCREENMOM: What? no. Look, let's cut the crap. Are you rich?
PAT~: ER. Yes. In knowledge!
SCREENMOM: I was referring to Benjamines.
PAT~: Oh. Yes. I have many....Benjamines....Franklines....er. Yes.
SCREENMOM: Splendid. Normally, I like rich men, but you can be a rich woman and that'll do fine. What do you need me to do?
PAT~: I need you to scream dramatically in a future scene, to enhance the mood and expound upon events which are happening around you as things reach their startling climax.
SCREENMOM: Got it. Until then?
PAT~: I don't care. Just don't poke at Ferret. He starts screaming and banging that bell of his every time someone---
FERRET clangs his bell LOUDLY: Mathter! Mathter! Mathter! Thelly thells theathells by the theathore! Theven thies think they are thneaking through---
PAT~ hits him with a stick
FERRET: thit.
---
The lights were low and dim as I slunk into the room where the Ol' Fashioned Gal waited. She sprawled luxuriously on a bed, combing long locks of red hair in the pale candlelight, only a thin white shift covering her wenchiness. I stepped into the light and she gasped and placed an ivory hand to her ebony breast, and I knew that this was a moment of Heroes.
"You startled me!" She enunciated throatily.
"I am sorry I did not mean to," I expounded smokily.
"It is okay, but I know you, do I not?" She inquiried questioningly.
"You do. I am the man. The only man. I am Kuzminski, private eye. You can call me Dave." I informed knowledgably.
She stood up, beautiful and fair and I thought back to my childhood and all the fair and beautiful women which had lived in our little village if it only hadn't been burnt to the ground and I had been forced to live with a traveling group of assasin midgets who masqueraded as gypsies but were really Russian spies. I would have flashed back to those troubling days if only we had the budget for flashbacks.
"It flusters me to have a man such as you in my inner rooms!" OFG blurted hastily.
"It flusters many," I acknowledged volumnously.
A man stirred in the bed, and my hand went to my gun. There was trouble if I ever saw it, and I'm on a first name basis with trouble.
The man sat up, long blonde locks cascading down his shoulders. He looked at me with quiet eyes that judged me, like Dad used to, and then he spoke in a voice like honey.
"You shouldn't be her," He intoned imperiously.
"Dont' you mean HERE?" I inquired querelously.
"Also, that," He returned, replyingly.
He stood up, much taller than I, and my hand tightened on the butt of my gun. Here it went, things were going down, a rumble was in the jungle now, and I was ready for a party. I may get knocked down, but I get up again, and no one's ever gonna keep me down. It's like another song.
He lunged at me fastily and I pulled my gun quickly and shot him, BLAM! and he died right there, his love for OFG on his lips, unspoken but not unknown. I would have mourned him, but he went to the end of a long list of things I mourn, so he's got a while to go.
OFG cried tears of sorrow as she clutched his fallen body.
"Why???" She wept unhappily, "Why did he have to die, that we might be together in the most perfect love a man and a woman can achieve?"
"Sorry, babe," I entered positively, "Them's the breaks."
Just then, the door to the room opened and a large round man stepped in.
I knew him. Everyone knew him.
It was William Shatner.
But when he spoke, his voice betrayed my very soul. And I'm an expert on
the subject.
"i heard the sound does that mean its my turn"
It was Willie "Bones" Haskins' voice! I demanded he explain himself.
"Damn," he said in his soft voice, "Forgot my bone suit."
"You were William Shatner all along?" I ejaculated woodenly, "RIGHT UNDER
MY VERY NOSE!"
"I can't lie anymore!" William Shatner exclaimed. "I love capitals! I love life! I love free verse poetry writing angsty teens! Okay? I'm sorry!"
But I walked out, leaving him alone with a woman who was now cold to me. I knew that all was lost except my mission, and I would finish that. Oh yes. I would finish it the way a person finishes the finishing touches on something that is then done.
---
*whoosh* PETE and CARRIE are now at a carnival. CARRIE is holding cotton candy, and PETE is holding... um, PETE?
PETE: Sorry. Got it! (Holds a new cd up to the camera. JBAL - In Da Hood - in stores now!)
CARRIE: Dammit! You can't just keep changing scenes like this!
NARRARATOR: Can, too. It's my story. People! Places, please!
CARRIE grumbles as she walks over to the masking tape X.
NARRARATOR: Action!
PETE: Where's my tea?
CARRIE: Back in the other scene.
PETE mutters a colorful stream of curse words.
CARRIE: We can get some more tea later.
SUSIE, MARYN and I SHRUGGED stroll over.
MARYN, who is lovely as can be: Hi, guys!
I SHRUGGED: Let's all go into this conveniently placed sinister looking tent that wasn't here a second ago and have our fortunes told!
CARRIE: Sure!
PETE (shrugging nonchalantly): Sure! What's the worst that could happen?!
SUSIE, grinning from ear to ear, hugs everyone.
They enter the tent. It is full of streaming cloths covering the walls. A person sits at a round table, hunched over, gazing into a crystal ball. Well, as much as one can gaze with one eye.
MARYN, who wasn't too sure about this to begin with: Well, there's only four chairs. I guess I'll sit this one out.
NARRARATOR: Get another chair in there! I'll have somebody's job for this!
MARYN, who isn't thrilled about this new development, sits down with the others.
The old gypsy ran her gnarled hand over the crystal ball, then thoughtfully stroked her beard. Her voice was low and raspy: Why have you come here? What do you hope to find?
PETE: We're seeking a plot. What's your name?
The gypsy impatiently gestured to her name tag. TLBLACK.
PETE: Ah.
TLBLACK fixed her one eye on SUSIE: You are sweetness and light. Goodness and love. All that is bright and wonderous on this earth.
SUSIE blushed.
TLBLACK: No, really. So WHY are you hanging around with these... people?
SUSIE: I like them!
TLBLACK: Beware, Sweet Susie, lest ye become corrupted.
I SHRUGGED: Hey! We're not that bad!
TLBLACK: Ah. The generous "Rep Point Fairy". No, you aren't so bad either.
TLBLACK trained her eye on MARYN.
MARYN, who wasn't sure she liked that look: Yes?
TLBLACK: You are helpful and kind.
MARYN, ever suspicious: And?
TLBLACK: And?! What, you think I have all day for this?
TLBLACK sat back in her cheap folding chair and stroked her beard as she regarded PETE and CARRIE: You. The two of you. You are twisted. Warped. Demented. While you are creative and amusing, I fear you share a deathwish, which is made doubly bad when you are together. In fact, the more time you spend together, the more your brains fuse.
PETE: Yeah. Could you tell us something we DON'T know?
TLBLACK: This... this doesn't frighten you?
PETE: Not especially.
CARRIE (shrugging): Whatever.
TLBLACK: No, really. It doesn't at least really freak you out? You're worse off than I feared!
CARRIE: Alrighty then! Well, if we're done here, we need to find some tea.
The group exits the tent, leaving a thoroughly baffled TLBLACK looking after, making notes for her evil psychic memoirs.
PETE and CARRIE wave goodbye and walk on, in search of a booth serving tea. Shouts can be heard from inside a large tent. Ever curious, they stroll inside.
CARRIE: Look! His nametag is visible from all the way back here!
At the front of the room, NEUROFIZZ was gesturing wildly at a massive clock: WHAT is SO blasted complicated? The lecture started at FIVE THIRTY. NOT Five thirty-seven, NOT five thirty-nine, NOT whenever you decided to GET here. FIVE THIRTY. PERIOD. I don't care if your pwecious widdle car wouldn't start. Now GET OUT. GET! OUT!
PETE and CARRIE stepped back outside.
PETE: Maybe we should catch his next lecture.
CARRIE: Yes. And I think we should be early. Reeeeeally early.
PETE, stopping and listening to something: This way! Quick!
They dash around the tent and find a man, hunched over and sobbing: Why?! Whyyyyyyy?! Oh, God, why do these things happen!?
PETE pats the man's shoulder, subtle reading his nametag: Can we help you?
BILLYTHRILLY: I... I just can't... I don't know how I can go on...
PETE: Surely it's not that bad!
BILLYTHRILLY: You... don't... understand. My entire life, everything I've worked so hard for... all for NOTHING!!
PETE: Let us help you!
BILLYTHRILLY: You'll... you'll take me to see the wizard?
PETE: Huh?
BILLYTHRILLY: The wizard! He'll give me back that which I have lost!
CARRIE: What exactly did you lose?
BILLYTHRILLY disolves into another fit of tears: I... I didn't know! I DIDN'T KNOW!
PETE: What?
BILLYTHRILLY: There I was, talking to a perfectly lovely woman. She was smart and funny and intelligent. I really liked her!
PETE: What's wrong with that?
BILLYTHRILLY's voice grew venomous: She DECEIVED me! LIED to me!
CARRIE: How?
BILLYTHRILLY glared at the sky through his river of tears: She... We... I... We ran to Las Vegas and got married.
PETE: Sounds kind of impulsive.
BILLYTHRILLY: When I awoke, I saw that her purse had been knocked to the floor during a fit of passion. The contents were spilled everywhere and I saw it! I SAW IT!
CARRIE: What?!
BILLYTHRILLY: Her voter registration card. She's... she's... a liberal! I just can't believe I fell for it!
PETE: Er... but you really liked her?
BILLYTHRILLY: IRRELEVENT! I'm on my way to the courthouse to get an annulment.
CARRIE: And you stopped at a carnival?
BILLYTHRILLY: Um, I wanted a candy apple. So sue me.
CARRIE: Perhaps we should leave him.
PETE: Good idea. Erm, I think the wizard is thataway. (points vaguely in about seventeen directions)
BILLYTHRILLY: Really? Great! (runs off)
----
PETE: Hi! We’ll return you to your regular program in just a minute!
CARRIE: But first, we wanted to talk to you about a very important thing.
PETE: That’s right, Carrie! As you all may know, this Pledge Week here at Absolute Write!
CARRIE: Aren’t all weeks pledge week, Pete?
PETE: Ha! Ha! Good one, Carrie, that sure is true!
PETE: But AW needs your help more than ever. Even now, there are forums full of people who are starving. For as little as five dollars a day, during our fundraiser, we can bring in enough money to bring light to the homeless, shelter to the blind, and food to the greedy !
CARRIE: Um. We already raised the money.
PETE: And hopefully, there will be enough left over to get the shoe-making children a second cup of rice! What? We did?
CARRIE: Yeah. Before we started this.
PETE: No one tells me anything.
CARRIE: But what we can offer you, gentle crowd is…….a skit! Here you are! On Pledge Week!
--
PETE: Hi, Silver King.
SILVER KING: Hi, Pete.
PETE: Say Silver King. I may have joined the army, but I’m a pacifist.
SILVER KING: Dude, you’re that thing that baby’s suck on?
PETE: No, dude, that’s a pedop%(&%(*%^&-------------
PLEASE EXCUSE OUR TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
…
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM, ALREADY IN PROGESS
...
CARRIE: Huh. I wouldn't have believed that was the password to the Mod Forums if you hadn't told me.
PETE: I know! Weird, huh? Such a strange word for it. I mean, of all the words, they pick a fruit?
CARRIE: Not always used as a fruit, either! There are stories! Web-sites even! I've heard!
SUDDENLY! Two large henchmen swoop down! They grab PETE and CARRIE in their big muscular arms!
PETE: Whaaaa? Leggo! I am violated! My Bubble! My personal bubble!
CARRIE's mom instincts kicks in. She bites her attacker's jugular and then throws him into the river, a mile away.
HENCHMAN: Zounds! Shadow Ferret! I have November Foxtrot! Get us out of here!
CARRIE lunges at the other henchman, who vanishes in something that is NOT a transporter beam from Star Trek.
CARRIE: Caaaaarses! Why was I not warned about this happening? Caaaarses! I will rescue thee!
...
MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH:
PAT: As you know, Bob...
FERRET: Thadow Ferret, thur.
PAT: Yes, yes. Good grief. Can't I just calll you Bob? A diminutive little nickname?
FERRET: Thurtainly, thur, but it ith not my birthgiven name. I feel throngly about matterth thuch ath thith.
PAT (after a pause to parse out what he said: I don't know. Probably Thursday around eleven. We'll see.
FERRET: .......thertunly, thur.
They march into the dungeon rooms, and there is PETE strapped to a chair.
PAT: At last! We have you in our clutches! You are OURS! Haaa Haaa Haaaaaa!
PETE: And you are?
PAT: What? Pat. Sorry. That was rude of me, wasn't it?
PETE: Yes, sir.
PAT: I AM A GIRL, RIGHT FERRET?
FERRET: Yeth, thur.
PAT sighs heavily and then leans close to his captor.
PAT: Do you know why you are here?
PETE: Because a large man came at me from behind and grabbed me around the midsection.
PAT: You are remarkably unafraid.
PETE: Fairly common occurence, really. Only, he didn't give me five dollars.
PAT: I have need of you, PETE. I have a great need for you.
PETE: Whoa. You give me five dollars, and five dollars for your big beefy guy too. Do I look like a charity lumberjack? I don't think so.
PAT: We shall need the torture equipment for this one.
PETE: What? I'll talk! Ask me something already! Sheesh.
PAT: Oh. Er. Right. Sorry.
PETE: But whatever you do, don't hurt my friend Shadow Ferret!
PAT: AH-HAH!
FERRET: He ith detheiving you, thur. I am aththithting you tholo now.
SCREENMOM SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS!!!!
PAT: WHaaa! Oh my GOD you nearly gave me a heart attack! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
SCREENMOM (abashed): I thought I was supposed to?
PAT: Not yet! It's a LATER scene! Good lord! What here looks like we need screaming?
SCREENMOM: His stretchy pants scare me.
PAT: They excite Ferret. He's clanging his bell a lot. Take him out please.
PETE: Now I have a headache.
PAT: As do I, PRISONER, as do I. And for torture, you may sit here in this uncomfortable chair with the lights on and a headache! While *I* go lie down and have an aspirin! Haa! Haaa! HAaaaaaaa!
PAT leaves. PETE shifts a little, and then dozes off for a bit.
---
CARRIE awakens with a start. She rubs her neck, which was uncomfortably leaned to the side. She looks around. She is apparently in the back room of a bar.
VOICE: You up yet? Come on!
CARRIE: Er, okay, I'm coming!
She hesitantly steps into the main room. A fog of smoke is floating above the poker table.
CARRIE: Poker?
SOCCER MOM: Of course! It's Poker Night!
CARRIE: Oh. Okaaaay...
TINY TERROR clenches a cigar in her teeth: You in or out?
CARRIE: I guess I'm in.
ALIAJOHNSON motions to the chair beside her. Sensing CARRIE'S hesitation, she insists: Don't worry, they don't bite.
CARRIE skeptically eyes the bats perched on ALIA's hat.
TheIT smiles, then remembers she's supposed to have her poker face on.
CARRIE: What are those?
TheIT (grinning): My little clay critters. They bring me good luck!
CARRIE watches as the little clay kitties wrestle on the table: Are they... supposed to move like that?
TheIT: I made those out of special clay.
ALIA: She made my bats, too.
AADAMS and JAYCINTH enter the room and find a seat around the table.
TINY TERROR deals the cards.
KIMMI 57 suddenly leaps up from her spot, clutching her head: MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!
CARRIE: What's wrong?!
PERKS: Don't worry, it'll pass.
KIMMI runs to the corner and sinks to the floor, softly singing: There is a house in New Orleans... They call the Rising Sun...
JANET BELLINGER: BINGO!
TINY TERROR: What?
JANET: I got BINGO!
JAYCINTH: I thought we were playing Poker.
JANET: Oh, I thought this was BINGO. (She spreads her cards out. Three Aces and two Kings.)
AADAMS: I knew I should have sat this hand out!
The sound of lots 'o chips being slid to JANET can be heard.
WACKAMOLE shuffles the cards while TINY TERROR takes a pee break.
SOCCER MOM suddenly stands up, knocking her chair to the floor and spilling chips onto the table: WHAT?! NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!! YOU IDIOT!!!! RUN RUN RUN!!!!! AAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!! THEY SHOULD TRADE YOU TO OAKLAND, YOU PATHETIC MAGGOT!!!!!!!!
CARRIE: Problem?
SOCCER MOM: Nah, I just have the game on my earphone here.
WACKAMOLE deals the cards.
JAYCINTH looks at her cards and giggles.
CARRIE: I didn't really take you for the giggling type.
JAYCINTH: I didn't giggle. If you say that again, I'll kill you.
CARRIE: Sorry.
CACTUS WENDY: So if you were to kill her, what method would you use?
CARRIE: Wha????
CACTUS WENDY: Don't worry, it's just research. That's all. Juuuuuust research.
CARRIE: Why do you keep repeating that?
CACTUS WENDY: No reason... it's just research. Really.
JAYCINTH: Hmmm, good question. I'd probably tie her up with piano wire. If you struggle too much against it, you'll just hack yourself up. Then I'd probably do something like drive down by the river and make her beg for a while and then stuff her in one of those big plastic bags...
AADAMS: Speaking of bags! Those big plastic bags that you can get around Christmastime to put the old dead trees in? PERFECT for a body. I got a bunch on clearance last year that even have handles. Makes it super convenient to carry!
JAYCINTH: I'll have to look for those!
CARRIE: Um, I think I'll go now...
TINY TERROR grabs her shoulder: You're not going anywhere.
CARRIE: Why? You're going to kill me, aren't you? You're all going to gang up and kill me!
AADAMS: Talk about paranoid. Geez.
TINY TERROR: Wow, lay off the caffeine! Nobody's supposed to leave during a game, that's all.
CACTUS WENDY: So what kind of piano wire would you look for?
CARRIE passes out.
---
I didn’t get much out of the Ol’ Fashioned Girl, but I got something from one of the men waiting in line: There was a place I had to get to, a castle, called MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH. It was a place of great evils, a palace of sin, a den of iniquity, a home of mysterious mysteries.
Would the answers to The Great Publish America Caper be there? I didn’t thnk so, and I wouldn’t sleep easy until I’d found them. But then, I never sleep easy. You sleep hard and light all at once, so’s when a man with a knife is at yer throat, you’re ready to widdle yourself. It’s hard, but it keeps me keeping on.
I turned up the collar of my coat and pulled my hat low over my brow. I had a cigarette hanging from my lips, but it was candy, so it was not lit. The rain came down hard on the cobblestones, beating the world down. It did nothin’ to me. I’m already down.
A cat crossed my path. An alley cat. I didn’t think nothin’ of it. I like all God’s creatures plenty good, but I got no love for alley cats. It went behind a Korean restaurant and I bet that if I went in and ordered the kim-ci, I’d still taste the rain. Good riddance to an alley cat.
I got on a train, ‘cause I didn’t know no other way to get to MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH. I found my seat and shook the rain from my coat, and put my hat in my lap.
Next to me sat an old, old man. I knew him, of course. Everyone round these parts knew him. It was James D. Macdonald, and he’s been round these parts longer than I can remember.
“Hello, old timer,” I said, and I wished for a brandy.
James looked at me with wizened old eyes and said, “You should start where your story begins.”
“Been trying to for a long time now,” I assured him, a bitter taste in my mouth. It tasted like a lot of bad years all sitting around.
James added, “American Book Publishing also has far fewer authors than PA.”
I knew he was trying to tell me something I needed, but he’s been around so long, he’s not always talking the same tune that I’m jiving.
“Too true, old man, too true,” I said, and I got off the train.
I was here. I could smell the danger in the air. There was a menacing mountain up ahead with a large castle rising off it. It would have looked beautiful against the full moon, but the sky was full of whispy little white clouds that took the menace out of everything.
I started up to the castle. I didn’t know if I would start back down ever again.
Ah, Vikkie Strauss, if only it could have been us. But now, we’ll never know.
----
AKAERASER stood in the lake, his hip boots darkened by the water. He held his fishing pole firmly, but not too tight.
SILVER KING stood a few feet away.
AKAERASER: Not too bad today.
SILVER KING: Nope, not too bad at all. Not as good as ocean fishing, though.
AKAERASER: Oh, you're telling me. Why, this one time, we were all out in one of those rental fishing boats and they were just biting left and right!
SILVER KING: Dang, I LOVE those trips! Why, last fall, we went out...
From in the sky, a WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE can be heard.
AKAERASER: What was that?
SILVER KING: Not too sure, but it looks like a dragon.
BARDSKYE swoops down on his dragon: Hi, guys! Good fishing today?!
SILVER KING: Yep, pretty good!
AKAERASER: You should join us!
BARDSKYE: Sorry, I'm training this Adirondack Blue some new tricks!
BARDSKYE flies the dragon off into the distance, flipping and twirling.
SILVER KING: So anyway, last fall we were out...
NARRARATOR: Oh. Sorry, guys.
AKAERASER: Who said that?!
SILVER KING: Beats me! Show yourself!
NARRARATOR: OW! OUCH! OW!!! OHMYGODGETITOFFMEGETITOFF!!!!
SILVER KING: HA! I hooked him!
AKAERASER: I'll get the net!
SILVER KING and AKAERASER peer curiously into the net.
AKAERASER: What is it?
SILVER KING: Ick, I don't know, but it looks diseased. Better throw it back.
AKAERASER cuts the hooks from the NARRARATOR's mouth while SILVER KING holds him still. Shortly, they toss him back into the water.
---
Exposition here. My mouth hurts. Just get to the damn scene.
PAT: Have you decided to talk, yet!?
PETE: Sure! What shall we talk about?
PAT: WHERE is your partner? WHERE is Carrie?
PETE: Beats me. Rescuing me?
PAT: WRONG.
PETE: .....okay, I give up. Where is she?
PAT: In my clutches!
PETE: Ohhh, that ain't gonna go well, girlfriend! She's married!
PAT: Not like that. Pervy.
FERRET: Mathter...
PAT: Not now, Shadow Ferret.
PETE: All right, so where is she?
PAT: Right......HERE!
FERRET: Mathter....
PAT: Not NOW! Ferret! BRing us....the CARRIE!
FERRET: thigh. Yeth mathter.
SHADOW FERRET brings in a large bag which has a struggling figure inside of it and it tied shut. It is full of struggling arms and limbs.
PAT: Let her out!
FERRET: Mathter, I feel I thould tell you--
PAT: Do I PAY you to question me!?
FERRET: You do not pay me. Thith ith indetured thervitude.
PAT: Do I indenture you to question me!?
FERRET: No mathter.
SHADOW FERRET dumps out the contents of the bag onto a platform, which is then pushed out over a pit of water and SHARKS which was not previously there.
PAT: What the? Who are YOU?
MYSTERIOUS MALE STRANGER: I am DAVE KUZMINSKI. And you......have caught a very dangerous person.
PAT: What? Who? him? (points at PETE)
DAVE: Yes. He is dangerous! And so is his partner, GARP! CARRIE AND GARP are dangerous!
PETE: Hey! My name is not Carrie!
DAVE: No matter.
PETE: It matters! I get called a girl enough! I don't need it from you too!
DAVE: Fine. You're Pete. But you're one of the three most dangerous people around!
PAT: Wait. Who's the third?
DAVE points.
PAT: .....my assistant Shadow Ferret is DANGEROUS?
DAVE: Yes. Um. I don't mean to complain, but the sharks are snapping...
PAT: They were expecting to be fed thirty seconds ago. How is my Ferret dangerous?
DAVE: Classified. He just is.
FERRET: That's a silly load of silly superstitious codswallop!
There is a very long silence.
PETE: Boy golly, do I hope Carrie is on her way to rescue me........
--
CARRIE awakens and is lying on the ground near a lake: WTF? MUST you keep moving me while I'm asleep?!
NARRARATOR (rubbing his still-aching jaw): Sorry.
Two fishermen look over and wave. CARRIE waves back. After a moments hesitation, she calls out to them.
CARRIE: Excuse me?
SILVER KING: Yes?
CARRIE: I'm trying to rescue my friend PETE.
AKAERASER: Where is he?
CARRIE: I'm not sure. All I know is that he's in the evil clutches of PAT~.
SILVER KING gasps.
AKAERASER: You can go after him alone! Not if he's in the evil clutches of PAT~!
SILVER KING: Let this be a lesson to you. Never trust a poster with a squiggly mark in their name.
CARRIE: Er, okay. But can you help me find PETE?
AKAERASER: He's prob'ly dead by now.
CARRIE: No, I don't think so.
SILVER KING: How can you be so sure?
CARRIE: Long story, basically we share this brain thing and... well, suffice it to say that I would probably just KNOW if he was dead. So can you help me?
SILVER KING: Sure.
AKAERASER: Why not.
They lean close together, talking. Finally, they look into the sky, rip their shirts open and start doing some tribal dance while hooting and hollering. By the way, it's not easy to do a tribal dance while standing hip-deep in a lake. It's just not.
From off in the distance, over the treetops, a figure emerges. A massive winged dragon swoops down.
BARDSKYE: I gather from the Call Of Woman In Distress Looking For Her Friend Pete Who Is In The Evil Clutches Of Pat~ dance that you require my assistance.
CARRIE: Er, yeah.
BARDSKYE: Hop on! I'll take you to Pat~'s lair. You will surely find your friend there.
CARRIE: How do you get on this thing?
BARDSKYE: Duh. Use the ladder.
CARRIE hops on the dragon's back and they speed off, toward Pat~'s lair.
----
PAT, laughing evilly: HAAA! All your plans and worries are for naught! Look! MY Deus Ex machina device fills with each moment as your friends struggle to rescue you! Haaa! HAAA!! HA! HA ! HA !
PETE: So is Zeus going to come down in the end?
PAT: No. Shut up.
----
CARRIE hops off the dragon: Thanks for the ride.
BARDSKYE: No problem. If you ever need my assistance again, just repeat the dance you witnessed earlier.
CARRIE: I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.
BARDSKYE: It's more fun than it looks.
CARRIE: Okay. Are you sure this is the right place?
BARDSKYE points to the mailbox: Yeah, I'm sure.
MAILBOX: LAIR OF EVIL PAT~ The PAT~ who is right now holding PETE hostage! Yes! Here! This is the place! You are DOOMED! DOOOOOOOMED!!!!!
CARRIE: Okay, okay, I get it!
She walks down the sidewalk of a seemingly pleasant cottage. English roses climb trellises on each side of the porch, and fragrant flowers grow all over the well-maintained yard. She rings the doorbell.
The Addams Family theme song rings out. This is the right place.
From the left, a rustling in the bushes.
CARRIE: Who's there?
ALLEY CAT: Dammit, I paid five bucks NOT to be included.
CARRIE: Hey, if you hadn't kept running your mouth, I would have left you out.
ALLEY CAT: You're just...
CARRIE: Watch it.
ALLEY CAT (sneering): What are you gonna do?
CARRIE, quick as lightning, grabs ALLEY CAT by the scruff of the neck. She pulls an electric shaver out of her her pocket and proceeds to shave him, almost completely, leaving only little fluffy balls at his feet and on his face.
ALLEY CAT: I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!!
CARRIE: Yeah, but not til after your fur grows back! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
ALLEY CAT dashes off into the night (yes, it's suddenly night), screaming over his now shaved shoulder: I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!!!
CARRIE watches until he disappears, which he does, but not before giving her the finger, which is surprisingly difficult for a cat to do. But obviously not impossible.
PETE: Hi, Carrie. What's up?
CARRIE: How'd you escape? I was just coming to rescue you!
PETE: Well, it's a funny thing. I had this grain of sand in my sleeve, right? So I used it to irritate my fingernail into growing longer, and then I sharpened it against the edge of the sand, and then I used it to slice through the ropes which bound me to the chair. It was pretty easy.
CARRIE: Impressive!
PETE: Thanks. And they all used to make fun of me for watching Sesame Street. It's amazing what you can learn from that show!
PETE: But there is no time fo rsilly talking! We must hurry back to PAT's lair! She has a deus ex machina machine!
CARRIE: Oh, God, NO!!!! Anything but that!
PETE: Totally that! And I fear that with all the stuff the Narrator's been doing, and all your weird scenery jumps, I fear it may be...TOO LATE FOR US ALL!
CARRIE: But there must be SOMETHING we can do!
PETE: Er. Probably. We could re-wire the machine, or something...? You're pretty smart with...you know...things.
CARRIE: Go on...
PETE: We could raise an army? Shall we muster the troops?
CARRIE: Yes! The troops! Who are the troops?!
PETE blows a trumpet, and the TROOPS arrive!
WRITER TERRI comes up. She has nothing on her feet, for whatever strange reason, and there are a gaggle of men supporting her on a bed, which they carry on their shoulders. One man is feeding her grapes.
TERRI: Hello, dorks.
PETE: We need to penetrate some tough defenses! Do you have your missile toe?
TERRI: Primed and ready!
POETINAHAT arrives. He is driving an old El Camino with bass thumping out of it. The hydraulics go up and down on their own.
JBAL is riding shotgun. The sun glints off the many gold chains around his neck, tangling in his chest hair.
POET: What is up, dudes?
PETE: Hey, can you...you know...run headlong through a hole in the wall? Please?
POET: Sounds like a trip, man!
JBAL: I shall drop unto them as though they were heated!
PETE: Truly!
AWATKINS arrives, all manner of woodland creatures surrounding her, looking up at her in awe. She feeds wild coyotes from the palm of her hand.
CARRIE: That's really impressive.
AWATKINS: They will be a great help on this mission!
CARRIE: You, uh, didn't happen to talk to ALLEY CAT, did you?
AWATKINS: Not lately, why?
CARRIE: No reason. None at all.
PETE: And our medical team is standing by.
PHD Elarian and Dr. Spork salute. They also hold sharp knives. It is less than reassuring. This Narrator is grateful he is above the coming battle.
Also, Sassenach is present. SHe holds a red blanket in her arms, cuddling a small and hairless dog. The dog nuzzles against her and whimpers and whines and she cuddles and soothes it.
PETE: My God. Is that Haggis?
SASSENACH: Quiet. He's had a bad experience in the castle of Pat.
CARRIE: What, like, confined to a kennel?
SASSENACH: No. Pat wanted to talk to Haggis about.....different things.
PETE (horrified): SCRABBLE!?
SASSENACH: ..........yes. I'm just going to take him somewhere safe and people free, then.
TRAIN OF THOUGHT appears and looks around: I somehow thought you'd all be...different.
CARRIE: What do you mean?
TOT: Well, when I posted about meeting fellow AWers, I really thought I wanted to. I mean, you all seem so great online. But...
CARRIE: Yes?
TOT: Eh, nevermind. Are we going to go save PETE or what?
PETE: I'm right here!
TOT: Oh! You're... Uh. Er... So if we're not trying to rescue you, then what ARE we trying to do?
PETE: We've got to destroy the Deus ex Machina Machine that Pat~ is holding!
TOT: You guys really are nuts, aren't you?
PETE: How many posts do you have?
TOT: Shut up.
PETE: you know, TRain of Thought, you're really fairly short.
TOT: Yes? So?
PETE: So one might say you're a......tiny....TOT.....
PETE is amused beyond reason.
ELDRAGON smacks him upside the head: That was for the really bad pun.
PETE: Ow!
ELDRAGON smacks him again: And THAT is for the disgusting kid who jerked off into the salad dressing.
PETE: But I had nothing to do with that!!!!!!
ELDRAGON: No matter.
---
MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH
PAT looks out a window from her fortress of MEANWHILE
PAT: Curses! As you know, Bob, my forces are gathering below me, just outside my white picket fence! If only PETE hadn't fiendishly escaped my clutches!
FERRET: Yeth, mathter.
PAT: And YOU'RE a traitor.
FERRET: Thurtainly, thur. Thall I throw the intruder to the thharkth?
PAT: What? Good grief, no. Let him be, he's narrating something or another to himself.
--
I could see that I was in trouble, and it was familiar country to me. I had my passport dog eared and everything. There were sharks below me, mouths full of teeth that all wanted a piece of me. Nothing new. Anyone who's been divorced a few times can stand up and go "yo" to that. All I needed was a plan and fortunately, I had one, tucked away in a holster in my jacket.
---
PAT: Anyway. We have our own army. FERRET! Summon....my TROOPS!
FERRET summons her TROOPS, which mostly involves opening the cell doors and Letting Them Out.
TIGER! steps forward, mouth full of sparks as his gums of steel rub against each other!
and UNIQUE, who is special and loves everybody, especially you, and wants only the best, and hopes things turn out okay!
And also....BIROL.
BIROL steps out of her cell, cocks her fedora on her head, and puts her shotgun up against her shoulder. There's a bandolier across her, but it's got some bullets and some teeth.
BIROL: What's up, you lot.
PAT: er. Hey! Nothing much, just, you know, hanging. Got some troublemakers outside, if you wanted to--
BIROL is not paying attention. She's looking at Dave Kuzminski, Private Eye.
---
I always saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and it was always nothing but a search and rescue party looking for someone else who wasn't me. But when this dame stepped outta her cell, blam, it was like a slugger through the heart, and I could tell you stories about that. She was a knockout, that sexy bandolier full of those hot teeth, that gun, those green eyes, that hat. The woman of my dreams, the siren of the sailors of my soul! Oh! But I knew she must be mine!
I leapt from the platform over the shark pit, and love lifted me up where I belonged, which was in the air over the shark pit. I landed safely on the side of the pit, and the dame said, "Damn, you're a fine man."
"The finest," I intoned lustily, "Shall we blow this joint? I got some digs we can dig."
And so we did. There may be crime and villiany and Editors, but I got a damn dame on my arm, and things are good. Problems are like hangovers: I'll worry about 'em tomorrow.
---
PAT: HAAA! PERFECT! HE has left with Birol in a strange and contrived manner which had no previous indication! My machine is FULLY CHARGED! My machine LIIIIIIIVES! Now, the army cannot stand against me! Not against.....THE MACHINA MACHINE!
FERRET: They're coming up the garden path, thur.
PAT: Throw the switches, IGOR! THROW THEM!
FERRET: Who'th Igor, thur?
PAT: Sorry. Sorry. Just got a little confused there. The SWITCHES! Throw them! FIRE the cannon!
FERRET shuffles over to a row of switches, which he flips. And then, he rings his bell. A bunch. Listlessly.
PAT: Say it! Say it!
FERRET: The end is nigh.
PAT: THE END IS!!!! THE END IS --
SCREENMOM SCREAMS A SOUND OF UTTER TERROR!!!!
PAT: Perfect! Thank you! YOu can go.
FERRET: I don't thee what Bill Nye the Thienthe Guy hath to do with thith...
PAT: You are a moment destroyer. *ahem* THE END IS...er....FAST APPROACHING!!!
The MACHINA MACHINE fires it's death beam out a window, off a mirror, reflects off the rearview mirror of POET's El Camino, ricochets off of a small pebble, and strikes --
---
ALLEY CAT: YOU!
CARRIE: Me?
PETE: Her?
TROOPS: Them?
ALLEY CAT: Knock it off!
PETE: Who?
ALLEY CAT, shaking with rage: HER!
CARRIE: Me?
PETE: Her?
ALLEY CAT: STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!
CARRIE: Stop what?
PETE: Yeah. What?
ALLEY CAT: THAT!!!!!
PETE: Geez, we just want to be sure who you're referring to. Her, right?
CARRIE: I think he means you.
ALLEY CAT rips a tuft of hair from his poofy head: NO! YOU!!!
PETE: ME?
ALLEY CAT: NOT YOU!!!!! HER!!!!!!!
CARRIE: Oh, me?
ALLEY CAT, pointing one poofy paw at CARRIE, stalks towards her.
CARRIE: I thought you ran off in shame and embarrassment.
ALLEY CAT: I did. But now I'm back to make you PAY for what you've done to me!
Unfortunately, ALLEY CAT stepped directly into the Machina Machine's death beam. As he lay twitching, a small curl of smoke wafted from his tail. The poof of hair had been singed off.
CARRIE: You're going to want some conditioner on that.
SCREENMOM LETS OUT A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM!
EVERYONE looks at her.
SCREENMOM: That was right, right?
PAT slaps her forehead. (Her own, not Screenmom's.)
No one noticed ALLEY CAT's twitching body begin to transform. No one noticed when his body began to stretch. No one noticed when he stood and donned a red uniform. No one noticed the first note...
But quickly, everyone turned to find the deep baritone that so lovingly belted out:
O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
When the last strains of the anthem rang out, there was nary a dry eye in the house. Well, on the sidewalk. And in the garden.
No one bothered to point out that we weren't in Canada. Particularly in the face of the majestic RCMP officer that stood before them. He saluted the crowd, then whistled.
A fine black steed galloped out of the house and to his side.
PAT: Come back here, Horse!
HORSE: Neigh! Pbbbbt, pbbbbbbt! Neigh!
PAT: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
HORSE: Pbbbbbt!!
The Mountie grabbed PAT and dragged her across the street. Everyone watched as he picked up a bunch of rope from the abandoned hardware store that had somehow spilled its contents onto the sidewalk.
SOMEONE FROM IN THE CROWD: Who ARE you?!
MOUNTIE (twirling his curly moustache): I AM CHUNKY C!!!!!
SOMEONE: Oh.
CHUNKY: You fools! You all think PAT was teh villain here, but she wasn't! She WASN'T! IN fact, she's not PAT at all! She's....
CHUNKY struggled to pull PAT's face off.
PAT: What the hell are you doing?!
CHUNKY: Revealing your TRUE identity!
PAT: But I'm not wearing a fake FACE! STOP PULLING!!
CHUNKY: Oh. Sorry. Well, the pain in your face will be nothing compared to the pain in your legs and probably somewhere in your midsection... when the TRAIN comes along!
EVERYONE: Gasp!
CHUNKY: MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!
PAT: EEEK! Somebody! Save me!
CHUNKY ties PAT to the railroad tracks.
A TRAIN whistle is heard in the distance.
CHUNKY secures PAT to the train tracks and mounts his trusty steed.
PAT: Heh heh, you mounted your steed.
CHUNKY: YOU may not have been wearing a fake face, PAT, But I AM!
He grasps his face and tugs. Nothing happens.
CHUNKY: Shit. This thing ALWAYS sticks. Hang on...
EVERYONE waits patiently.
CHUNKY: Ok, here we go. I'm NOT really mild-mannered Chunky C! I'm....
EVERYONE: Al Gore?
CHUNKY: No! This stupid thing...
EVERYONE: Burt Reynolds?
CHUNKY: NO! Stop guessing!
EVERYONE: Sally Struthers?
CHUNKY: NO! Now STOP guessing!! I'm.... BIROL!!
EVERYONE: Gasp!
BIROL: HA! You stupid FOOLS!! You should have known I'd find a way to outsmart all of you!
VOICE IN CROWD: Er, how exactly did you outsmart us?
BIROL: WHO said that?!
CBEASY steps forward: I did.
BIROL: I thought you were left for dead in the first part?
CBEASY: I was. After that, I was raised by a pack of wolves. When I was strong enough, I taught myself to speak and make my way in society. And I began following you. I knew you were up to no good.
BIROL: But...
CBEASY: There's NO WAY I'll let you hurt PAT.
BIROL: Okay.
CBEASY: Since you asked, the reason I won't allow you to hurt her is because... SHE'S MY MOTHER!!
EVERYONE: Gasp!
PAT: What?!
CBEASY: Well, perhaps not my mother. But she IS my aunt. On my dad's side.
PAT: Oh yeah! Boy you've sure grown up!
BIROL: You'll never untie her in time!
CBEASY: What do you...
TRAIN is approaching. For effect, it's one of those really old steam engines that makes the really cool PSSSSSHHT noises as the wheels go around and the steam is coming out and - OH MY GOD IT'S GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER!!! WILL HE MAKE IT IN TIME?!
EVERYONE: Gasp!
CBEASY rushes over to the tracks and begins to untie PAT.
CBEASY: Wait a minute... what's that!?
He rushes to the sidewalk, you know, beside the hardware store? Well there's this LEVER! Yes! A lever! CBEASY PULLS THE LEVER AND...
Nothing happens.
WAIT! Something is happening!
PAT: You idiot! Why are you wasting time on the sidewalk!? UNTIE ME!!!
A voice rings out! MATHTER!!
FERRET rushes toward the tracks and jumps in front of the train, which is moving in really dramatic slow-motion! He puts his back against the train! He braces his little feet against the tracks! And pushes with ALL HIS MIGHT!
The train begins to slow!
CBEASY: WTF? How is a little FERRET going to stop a TRAIN?
EVERYONE glares at CBEASY.
An ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL WITH BLONDE CURLS AND BIG BLUE EYES steps out of the crowd: Have faith, Mister Beasy, just have faith! My bell rang. And you know that every time a bell rings a ferret stops a train!
CBEASY: WTF? No, every time a bell rings an ANGEL gets its WINGS.
PETE grabs CBEASY by the scruff of the neck: Not in OUR story, pal!
The train is only INCHES away from PAT! OH NO! It's slowing! BUT IS IT ENOUGH?!
FERRET: My feet hurt!
EVERYONE: Don't give up! You can do it!
Suddenly, the streets are filled with people chanting! FER-RET! FER-RET!
FERRET's widdle feet touch the edge of PAT's ropes and...
stop.
EVERYONE: *sigh of relief*
SANREMOAVE: I'm here! *looks around* Crap. Late again!
FERRET: Mathter! You knew I'd thave you!
PAT: Yeth! Er, yes! I knew you'd save me!
They hug.
EVERYONE: Aaaaawwwwww
ADORABLE GIRL: Do you see, Mister Beasy? Do you see now?
---
It's 3 AM.
A phone rings.
CARRIE: Hulloh?
PETE: WTF was THAT?!
CARRIE: What was WHAT?
PETE: The ending of that story! We can't post that!
CARRIE: I'm insulted.
PETE: Er, well, don't be insulted...
CARRIE: Well I AM. You drag me into this challenge, work my fingers to the bone, and now you want to play Mister Editor?! Well I'm NOT HAVING IT!
PETE: Okay! Okay! Sorry!
CARRIE: Look, we'll have tea and discuss it before it's posted, okay?
PETE: I'm kind of busy right now...
( JAH! Oh JES! EES MAGNIFICENT! )
CARRIE: Uh, what was that?
PETE: Er... Nothing?
CARRIE: Okay...
---
3 AM
PETE awakens in a cold sweat and grabs the phone.
CARRIE: Hulloh?
PETE: Did I just call you?
CARRIE: What? No.
PETE: Okay, good.
CARRIE: The nightmares again?
PETE: Yeah.
CARRIE: Well, just try to get back to sleep.
PETE: Okay. You're right. Are we going for tea tomorrow?
CARRIE?: Jah! Oov course ve are!
PETE: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
CARRIE: Heh heh heh, just screwing with you!
PETE: Why would you be so evil?!
CARRIE: Twenty-four hour deadline ring a bell?
PETE: Oh. I thought that bit was part of the nightmare. Look. I'm going back to sleep.
CARRIE: I'm not convinced that I have actually woken up yet. This is probably still a dream.
PETE: You're whacky at 3AM.
CARRIE: WHich is probably why people generally fail to call me at three in the morning.
PETE: Well, must go! Lots of non-Bjornness sleeping to do! Good night!
CARRIE: MMmfff.
and they lived. The End.
Man, I'm worn out! I feel like I've had 36 sordid affairs and a couple extra Swedes!