AbsoluteWrite Water Cooler (shamefully) presents,
PETE & CARRIE 2:
THE RISE OF SVEN AND BJORN
Introducing:
Sven
Bjorn
-------------------------------------
PETE is deeply asleep, at home.
Suddenly, his bedroom door opens and a large man steps in. He has long raven locks of hair and a well oiled chest and he looks with sad, knowing eyes and a brave chin at PETE. Then, he says loudly,
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: Today! As I have searched the community of the people who make the interest cause which writes the amicable advice from absolute existence been, it is the amicable individual of large good fortune. It is the member. Perhaps it is possible to help?
PETE awakes, startled. He pulls a query letter out from under his pillow, the perfect thing to frighten off intruders with.
PETE'S WIFE does not stir.
PETE: Wha!? WHAAA!? Get offamyland!! Mmmmmmgffff Who'are you?
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: My name it is Bjorn, I me point to the oil to my body from my acre of farmland of the Scottish person, sustain to the place where it waits for beautiful maiden like Scarletpeaches which loosens my intestine, it comes! In yes thought, but my her finding, it cannot desire the fact that it can lead me!
PETE: Er. What? Why does this happen at 3 AM? Why do you not burst into my bedroom in the afternoon hours? Gawd...
PETE dials CARRIE's phone number. There is quite a lot of ringing. Meanwhile, BJORN looks on with mysterious green eyes and his fingers gently trail across the small pink scar that runs down his right cheek. He tightens his expansive shoulder muscles.
CARRIE: mmgmgmgmfffff
PETE: Carrie. Wake up. Carrie?
CARRIE: Walter?
PETE: ......what? Who the hell's Walter? It's Pete.
CARRIE: Walter?
PETE: PETE!
BJORN says helpfully: Possibly if it was move to its house, then, it would be more willingly ready to have a talk with us, because 4 osvedomlenn that hour the latter, but alas, it find the only time into 4 I could have a swim into the country, water glistening from my naked flesh in proportion to I it made you so, 4 hopes it does not remember.
PETE: I have no idea what that means.
BJORN: Yes!
PETE: Carrie, I think this guy is here to see you.
CARRIE: Um, hey, genius, WHY would some guy show up at
YOUR house, looking for me? I mean, I suppose it would
be possible if you lived next door. But, um...
PETE: Enough with the geography lesson, dammit! Now
why did you call me at this hour?!
CARRIE: *yawning* I believe you called me.
PETE: (confused) I did?
BJORN: (stroking Pete's Wife's hair) Yoo ees berry
berry loverly
PETE: HEY!! GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY WIFE, you, you, you
MUSCLEHEAD!
BJORN: (sadly shaking his head) Ees no need for
calling of name. I go now.
PETE: Why did you even COME here?!
BJORN: (brightening considerably) AH! JES! Ees da
mission! Sven be soon coming here!
PETE: Huh?
BJORN: Sven!
PETE: Great! Sven! Who's Sven?!
BJORN: E ees my brother! Of course!
PETE: Of course!
CARRIE: Um, hello?
PETE: (glances at forgotten phone in his hand) Um,
there's some big Swedish guy in my bedroom.
CARRIE: Are you just calling to brag?
PETE: No, I - HEY! What's THAT supposed to mean?
Pete's tirade is interruped by the entrance of SVEN!
SVEN: HAH! I AM GREAT SVEN!
PETE: Um, now there are TWO big Swedish guys in my
bedroom.
CARRIE: Look. I'm glad you can "entertain" all hours
of the night, but I'd really like to get some sleep.
SVEN: (grabbing phone from PETE) HALLO!! THEES EES
SVEN!!
CARRIE: YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL!
SVEN: Uh, ees veddy sorry!
BJORN: I vant to talk! Yes! Bjorn talk now!
CARRIE lays in bed, growing increasingly annoyed as
Bjorn and Sven wrestle over the phone.
She overhears Pete in the background.
PETE: Wake up! For the love of all that is holy, WAKE
UP!
BJORN: HALLO!! EES BJORN!
CARRIE: MUST YOU YELL?!
BJORN: We ees on mission! EEmportant mission! You come
now! At once! Now, woman!
PETE: Er, that's probably not the best way to talk to
her...
SVEN (thumping hairless oiled chest): Nonsense! All
woman same! Need do what ees told to them!
PETE'S WIFE stirs: ...stupid...
PETE (frantically waving hands at Nordic loudmouths):
Shut up! She'll kill you!
SVEN: No matter! Must carry out mission!
CARRIE: Can I hang up now?
PETE: NO!! You have to come, too!
CARRIE: WHY?!
PETE: Because we're a team! I can't go on these
adventures alone!
CARRIE: $@#!*& Fine. Pick me up in half an hour.
PETE: Half hour? But you're...
CARRIE: Enough with the geography lesson!
PETE: FINE!
Half an hour later, PETE, SVEN and BJORN arrive at
CARRIE'S door.
CARRIE opens the front door. She looks at Pete, who is fully clothed and Bjorn and Sven who between them are wearing enough material to make one pair of pants.
CARRIE: It's like....dying, and not having any idea where you've wound up.
PETE: Funny. Have any tea? That was a horrible drive.
CARRIE: You don't drive, do you?
PETE: I do. I know how. Just fine! Sven and Bjorn certainly don't!
CARRIE: When did you learn to drive?
PETE: Hello? Video games? Since I was, like, younger?
CARRIE: Right. Hello.....Bjorn. Sven. Can I help you?
BJORN: What where is this, today! The woman who is not the kitchen swooning her how is extraordinary in strange us. Today, woman! We meeting, are very delightful!
CARRIE: Yes. I am also delighted to meet...you....I think.
PETE: Right. Shall we go? Unless you have tea.
CARRIE: No tea. Have you got a query letter?
PETE looks around guiltily.
PETE: Time to go. Quickly, we must go! The going is commencing!
CARRIE: Right. And where are we going?
PETE: To the one person who will be able to figure out what it is that these large and passionate Swedish men need and why they have sought us out!
CARRIE: Sean Connory...?
PETE: Alas, we cannot afford him. No, we seek....MacAllister!
They get into PETE'S sweet ride, a tricky thing since it is a Dodge Neon and Sven and Bjorn are larger than small trees, rippling with muscles and barely contained love and rage, as they brush back long blond and black hair, tying them with strips of leather to keep out of masculine faces, so full of bravery and truth, so full of the love for a woman that would ------
PETE: Anyway.
Sorry.
They go to MacAllister's.
EXT: MACALLISTER'S MANSION: A large and imposing castle with the letters "AW" flying out front on a flag. lightning crashes in the distance, though it was a quiet and clear night when they arrived.
MAC: Now. As we know, I am in charge around AW.
PETE: We know that, yes, and we figured you'd be able to shed some light on what it is that Bjorn and Sven wanted.
CARRIE: Also, you have bean-bag chairs.
MAC: You can have bean bag chairs when you're in charge. Like me.
PETE: Yes..........and if you would? Bjorn? Can you tell Mac what you want?
BJORN: The world changes. I feel that of the water. I feel that of the earth. As for me that of air At one time many which are have remembered that or, everyone has lived, because every one now, it is not lost. That started from the forging material of the large ring. 3 immortality of all existence, to be wisest and most fairness were given to the elf. Small size of mountain hole main thing, to splendid miner and craftsman 7. And 9, nine rings, especially, were talent rich in competition of the person who desires power. But those were made, entirely, being deceived because of another ring, it was. With the land of Mordor of the fire of destiny of the mount, as for the Sauron dark main thing in control other things the master ring, was made with secret. And he that cruelty, that malice and that will poured in order to control life everything in this ring. One ring which controls those entirely.
CARRIE is asleep.
PETE is asleep.
MAC is asleep.
SVEN is rubbing herbal oils across his glistening arms, they shine in the light as he flexes large and scarred muscles, rugged from long days bare-chested in the fields and battles against those who would oppress women instead of throwing them down on piles of hay and loving them sweetly and tenderly and ---
PETE: All right! I'm up! STOP!
MAC blinks blearily.
CARRIE: I feel rested now.
PETE: So. Mac. Do we have any idea what they want?
MAC: I am unsure. I will consult the Sages.
PETE: What exactly will herbs do?
Herbs! Such as the things which Sven and Bjorn make into oils and rub themselves down with to keep them well oiled and cool in the blazing midday sun that casts shadows off their bulging muscles and--
PETE: WHAT WILL HERBS DO.
MAC: The Sages who Know Things. I will ask them. Barring that, I will ask my Uncle Jim.
PETE: Fine. Carrie?
CARRIE: Huh?
PETE: Carrie? Are you okay?? MAC?
MAC: Huh?
PETE waves his hand in front of Carrie's face. She
snaps back to consciousness. She grabs PETE'S arm and
whispers,
CARRIE: The nipple! Don't look directly into their
nipples!
PETE pulls MAC away.
MAC: Holy shit, what was THAT?!
PETE: What was what?
MAC: I could see... the future!
BJORN (massaging his chest): HAH!! Thees are neeples
of prophecy!
PETE: Hey, that's what they should have called the
seventh Harry Potter book!
CARRIE: Harry Potter and the Nipples of Prophecy?
PETE: Yes!
CARRIE and MAC look at each other, hoping he's not
serious. Um, he is.
BJORN: NOH! We not deescuss books! We deescuss
mission!
PETE: Yes! The mission! What IS the mission?
BJORN (looks at SVEN): Brother, ees time to tell new
friends zee mission!
SVEN (flopping dramatically onto one of MAC's chairs):
NOH! Time ees not now!
MAC: HEY!!! Get your oily butt off the beanbag!
SVEN rises majestically: Woman! You speak to SVEN!
MAC (glaring): WIPE. THAT. OIL. OFF. MY. CHAIR.
SVEN: EES Woman's work!
SVEN is now a crumpled mass on the floor.
MAC cracks her knuckles.
BJORN: You want I should wipe thees off?! YES!! Zee
towels of paper do maaaaaahvelous!!!
A dark streak zooms through the living room, making an
end table wobble.
MAC: SHADOW FERRET! How many times have I told you to
be careful in here?!
MAC straightens her priceless Ming Vase while FERRET
greets the guests.
FERRET: Who are these guys?
CARRIE: Don't ask...
BJORN (propping foot on SVEN, his hair blowing in the
breeze that hadn't existed a moment ago): I AM BJORN!
He ees brother! Sven! Mission! YES!! We are on
MISSION!
CARRIE (rubbing temples): But they won't tell us what
the damn mission IS.
MAC: Let's call HASKINS. He'll know.
*phone rings, HASKINS picks up*
HASKINS: What?
MAC: Hey, what are you doing?
HASKINS: (burping) I just finished eating a puppy.
What can I do for you?
MAC: Do you know anything about SVEN and BJORN?
HASKINS: I knew this day would come.
MAC: What do we do?
HASKINS: Whatever you do, do not look into their
nipples.
MAC: I know. You can see the future.
HASKINS: NO! It's a trick! That was NOT the future you
saw. Bring them to me.
SVEN and BJORN pull open the doors of HASKIN'S DUNGEON, their shoulders bulging as they set to their work, great arms that would otherwise be so tender now applying great strength to the task which they lovingly --
PETE: Oh my god, would you stop?
Look, what else have I go to do? Anyway, look at them?
PETE: I'm trying not to. I don't think I've ever wanted to see this much big and mostly naked Swedish male in my life.
You haven't. It's been one of my life-long dreams, that they would love me sweet and completely, and --
PETE: You're going to make me throw up.
HASKINS: Yes. MANY who enter here throw up. In the end.
CARRIE: Willy! Hi!
HASKINS: Yes. MANY have called me Willy, leading to the end.
MAC: Now, let's have some order here. I'm in charge, I call for order. Haskins, what do you make of them?
HASKINS: They are large Swedish men.
MAC: I know that.
PETE: They appeared in my bedroom.
FERRET: Proving to him that there is a god.
HASKINS reclines thoughtfully back on his throne, a great black chair made out of skulls. He taps his bone fingertips against the armrest. Thoughtfully, he turns a lever that kills two free-verse poets chained up in the basement. Their screams make him smile.
Sven and Bjorn bravely stand in the face of the screams, their large hearts going out to the dead people, their large hands tightening into fists over the sounds, they wish to comfort them and others with their large--
PETE: OKAY! Hang on. I can't take much more of this.
CARRIE: Me neither. I can't believe you hauled me back for the friggin' sequel. Can't you do with with RllgThunder or something?
PETE: No. It's his weekend to be Feather Boa Surprise down at the Super-Duper Trooper Club. He's busy.
CARRIE: What about Spooky?
PETE: He's joined the Frenching Foreign Legion.
CARRIE: Surely you mispronounce.
PETE: Nope. Don't ask.
CARRIE: What about....um.......one of the new kids on the forums?
HASKINS burps.
CARRIE: Never mind.
PETE: Look, Sven? Please, if you're looking for someone, can you just say yes?
SVEN: True!
PETE: Good! Hey, great! Okay. Do you have a name?
SVEN: Up! Is Sven!
PETE: Right, but who are you looking for? What is the name of the person your mission is about?
BJORN and SVEN look at each other (beautifulgrayandbrowneyes) and they think thoughtfully and then BJORN reaches out and clasps SVEN'S (gorgeouslyshaped) shoulder. They both look back at PETE and BJORN says (inavoicelikehoney)
BJORN: ..............Ritchie James?
CARRIE: Oh. Um. Oh dear.
HASKINS: SILENCE!
He reaches down and rips the still-beating heart from
one of the poets. He chews thoughtfully.
SILVER FISH skitters into the room.
SILVER KING: That's Silver KING!! KING!!
NARRARATOR: Well, your avatar is a Silver FISH. Easy
mistake.
SILVER KING: Well go back and fix it. I do NOT
skitter.
NARRARATOR: Fine.
SILVER KING flops into the room, gasping for air.
SILVER KING: That is NOT funny!
NARRARATOR shrugs: Anyway.
SVEN and BJORN approach HASKINS's throne, attempting
to hypnotize him with their Nipples -O- Prophecy.
HASKINS grabs all four
(perfectlyformedhypnoticallybeautiful) nipples,
twisting cruelly.: You didn't think that would work on
ME, did you?!
PETE: How the heck is he twisting all four nipples?
CARRIE: Some things, it's just better not to know.
FERRET: Is there some point to all this?
MAC: I'm thinking not.
SVEN and BJORN are weeping, their once-perfect nipples
now bruised and no longer functional.
MAC: What WERE those things?
HASKINS: Nipples.
MAC: *blinking* Um, yeah... What was their purpose?
HASKINS: Well, when a fetus is formed...
MAC: NEVER MIND!
SVEN: Sven no liking thees place!
BJORN: JAH! Bjorn no like!
FERRET (slaps forehead): Can I leave now? Please?
CARRIE: No. Sorry. Once you've been written in, you're
stuck.
FERRET: Dammit!
SILVER KING: Um, can we get to a story or something?
PETE: YES! To the story!
HASKINS waves a hand and a door opens. A bright light
shines through, blinding the motley crue.
CARRIE: Don't you mean "crew"?
NARRARATOR: Hey, who's telling this story, anyway?!
It's CRUE. With little dots over the U.
CARRIE: I don't see little dots.
NARRARATOR (getting annoyed): PRETEND, okay?!
CARRIE: Fine.
NARRARATOR: Anyhow. A bright light blinds them.
MAC: (shielding eyes) Where does that lead?
SVEN: JAH!! To zee mission!
BJORN: Zee mission!
THE PARTY passes through the blinding white light. It reflects off of BJORN and SVEN which is a gorgeous sight to behold and really we should pause a moment and just study and stare at the light reflecting off those beautiful muscles, that curving back, the loving way in which BJORN gently rests his large hand on PETE'S shoulder--
PETE: Whoa! Hang on! Leave me out of this!
BJORN: Sorry. I am frightened.
SVEN: As am I!
CARRIE: Get your hand off my butt anyway.
MAC: Sorry.
HASKINS: whereis silver fish
He has died. There's no water around here.
SILVER KING: What? I'm right here for Pete's sake.
PETE: They are rowing without knowing where they're going....
CARRIE: You're really all over the place today.
At last, they pass through the white light and find themselves standing on the grounds of a great British boarding school, a menacing old castle full of moats and turrents and tunnels and dungeons and menace and love and evil and joy and friends and moments of
PETE: You have really got to get a grip.
CARRIE: I don't quite see why we're here.
MAC: As the person in charge --
PETE: We saw the sign, yes.
MAC: --I have brought us, via Haskins, to this place, where James Ritchie lives, in the hopes that we can solve this mystery once and for all.
SILVER KING: He lives at a boarding school?
MAC: Apparently. There he is.
JAMES RITCHIE approaches. He is a little over four feet tall, has too much hair, and his wearing a gray jacket and tie and a small cap with the school's St. Custard's logo on it. He wears dress shorts and long socks. He scratches his nose.
PETE: ............words fail me.
CARRIE: HEART fails me.
BJORN: Aye, he makes me feel similar inside!
MAC: Hello, James. How is school life?
JAMES: It is uterly wet and weedy as i shall (i hope) make clear but of course that is the same with all skools.
SHADOW FERRET is injected with some sort of toxin by a passing Chihuahua, and then is dragged away into the silence of the night without anyone noticing.
PETE: Bjorn? Tell James Ritchie what you needed to tell him.
BJORN: Hello, James Ritchie! We were will be extensive far and it searches widely, is many and the woman who is beautiful, anyone like that fair but with the Carrie and it loved the Mac, but we from that place the branch will not be. In order for you when Iss it was and to see an answer back in the head of a family company one thing of all life question we at your outside, searched my sibling and the I,: Does the objective of same name company what, and why or use theyn does happen place it? ?
JAMES: i, james ritchie, gorila of 3b and hero hem-hem of this peice, am stroling down main skool corridor one evening after prep when i encounter my grate freind peason clutching a mitey TOME.
PETE: I....am at a loss here.
CARRIE: I think we should go.
A small Chihuahua sticks a needle in MAC'S neck and then slides her limp body away.
PETE: I don't know where we should go. What if Bjorn and Sven cause trouble?
CARRIE: More trouble than this?
A small smoke bomb is thrown into the area and all fall asleep. When they awake, they are all chained up, including SVEN and BJORN, who have been strapped to the wall with delicate silk strings, and also they are naked now and well oiled, the flickering lamps glittering off them.
PETE: GOOD GOD THAT'S NOT RIGHT
CARRIE: What? I don't see anything wrong.
MAC: mffghgghgrrri'minchargemmcmfhf
HASKINS opens a portal, full of flames, and returns from whence he came without another word. This does no one else any good, for they are trapped, TRAPPED in the clutches of the person who holds them!
PETE: So. What happens now.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Now, my sweet, there is loving! And sleeping! And spooning! And a memorable forking occasion! NOW, my pet, you shall preform for us!
PETE: Er......I've left my lumberjack clothes at home?
CARRIE: Who is this anyway?
The speaker of the MYSTERIOUS VOICE steps out of the shadows, and it is a well built and impressive figure of such astonishing beauty that they cannot help but be in love. The speaker of the MYSTERIOUS VOICE....ME! The Narrator! And I am Terri!
CARRIE: Ouch!
PETE: What?
CARRIE: Something bit my arm! It's chewing on the
ropes!
MAC: Ferret! You're back!
A light shines on the creature - a large sewer rat
with dried blood around its mouth.
MAC: (squinting) Wait. That's not a ferret, is it?
CARRIE: Um, no.
MAC: There he is!
A weasel skitters through the room.
PETE: Yes! Ferret, come help us!
TERRI: SILENCE! Ferret will help NO ONE!
WEASEL: I'm not a ferret!
SVEN: Zee ferret! 'E plays steupit! Ees lying!
TERRI grabs the weasel and straps him to the wall:
Don't play games with me, Shadow Ferret!
WEASEL: I AM NOT A FERRET!!
CARRIE: Pffft, whatever!
TERRI: Dammit, you guys, I said SILENCE! (stomps feet)
From beyond the doorway, a large shadow looms.
EVERYONE gasps.
LOOMING SHADOW: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Fools! I
have you all now! You've all been pawns in my game.
CARRIE: What game?
A Monopoly board is shoved across the floor.
PETE: WTF? Monopoly?
MAC: This is just stupid.
BJORN: Eye ees missing Desperate Housewives for
thees!!
LOOMING SHADOW clears throat: Um, er, that was a joke.
Do you people not get a JOKE?
EVERYONE: Heh.
The figure steps into the room. A diabolical little
Chihuahua in a tiny little lab coat stands in the
center of the room, surveying his captive audience.
HAGGIS: Now. Now you will all do MY BIDDING!
PETE: You mean like on eBay? Cuz I don't think they
let you do someone else's bidding.
HAGGIS steps forward and climbs a stepladdar and slaps
PETE across the face.
PETE: Er, Ouch?
CARRIE: That was RUDE.
HAGGIS: YOU. You are the cause of all this!
CARRIE: ME? What are you talking about?!
HAGGIS: When you slapped me against the truck door in
the last Pete & Carrie Variety Hour , something happened to me. Something deep
inside me shifted and changed. Perhaps even died.
CARRIE: Oh, puhleeze!
HAGGIS: Okay, not really. But aren't the special
effects really cool? You're really just in my garage.
HAGGIS pushes a button which raises the garage door.
His NEIGHBORS are strolling down the sidewalk.
HAGGIS: Shit!
He waves nervously and presses the button to close the
door.
A knock on the door startles the little rat-like dog.
SUSIE and HOWIE enter.
SUSIE: Haggis! This isn't nice! Not nice at all. BAD
DOGGIE!
HAGGIS wets himself in shame.
SUSIE and HOWIE untie everyone.
SUSIE (shaking finger at Haggis): Will you promise not
to tie up any more people?
HAGGIS: Yes. Sorry, Susie.
SUSIE and HOWIE leave.
HAGGIS: Good! NOw that they're gone, I can rechain you to the wall and complete my master plan!
PETE: What? Isn't that dishonest? Susie would not think very much of that!
HAGGIS: Well.....I won't tell her.
PETE: I might.
HAGGIS: You might not SURVIVE the coming session!
CARRIE: She wouldn't like that either.
MAC: I might.
There is a knock on the door, which makes HAGGIS jumpy. He answers the door, a gun tucked behind his back.
JBAL walks in.
PETE: YO! Yo, yo, what up? My brother from another mother!
JBAL: ........I've asked you not to do that.
PETE: What dat, yo? My ears are full of the white man oppressing me?
JBAL: You're a lunatic. Okay? I hate you all.
CARRIE: I apologize for him. He hasn't had any tea.
JBAL: THat's what I'm here for. I was told to bring tea to the set.
HAGGIS: Set? What is set? Aside from my EVIL MACHINATIONS, which have been SET into motion! HAAAAA!
JBAL: Er. Nevermind.
PETE: Yo, check this. *ahem* I dropped it like it was hot, those rocks that I got, poppin' coins in a slot, makin' money on the lot-tery. Uh. I says I --
BJORN: Yah! Is like music from home! We set up the sheep, behind it we creep, bring it Sven, and then the sheep is in the fence, and our pants have--
PETE: WHOA! Okay! I'll stop!
JBAL, disgusted, leaves, taking the tea with him.
JAMES RITCHIE: onse i waz in the lokker room viz. my skool an the big boys hem hem were standign abowt and one of them chiz. and wit uterly wet and a weed with a towll--
CARRIE: This is ridiculous.
CARRIE pulls the chains off her wrists and off the walls, much to the surprise of everyone. She picks up HAGGIS.
HAGGIS: Hang on! You can't do that! It's not in the script!
CARRIE: I know. I got tired of that script. We're going to do this MY WAY now.
PETE: We have a SCRIPT? Why didn't anyone tell me?
CARRIE: Quit whining. If you'd clean out your PM box
once in a while, you would have known.
CARRIE absentmindedly scratches HAGGIS's head. He
starts to purr.
PETE: Um, dogs don't purr.
JBAL: HA HA! You thought I was really leaving, didn't
you?
PETE: Er, okay...
CATHY C pokes her head around the doorway: SVEN!
BJORN! There you are! I've been looking for you
everywhere!!!
BJORN: ACH! Zee photo shoot for zee vonderful novel of
romance!
SVEN: ACH! JES! Ve apologize! Ve coming now!
BJORN and SVEN follow CATHY C out of the garage.
JBAL is sitting in the corner, picking at his
toenails.
PETE: That's really disgusting.
JBAL: Don't be hatin', man!
RLLGTHUNDER leaps into the room: HA HA HA!!! IT was ME
all along! It was ME who...
PETE: Huh? I thought you were away at some pom pom
convention?
RLLG: Ha! No!
CARRIE: Why are you yelling everything?
RLLG: Because I am really BJORN!!
He pulls his face off, revealing Bjorn.
MAC slaps her forehead: What next?!
PETE: I don't know what's next. I mean, we've done nearly everything.
MAC: Bjorn certainly has!
PETE: And I think we've covered all points...
CARRIE: MAC certainly has!
PETE: And I think we've just about done everyone we can....
MAC: Bjorn certainly--
BJORN: I have not the Pete made love to.
PETE: Hang on. I thought you were some sort of pervy sheep lover?
BJORN: I love the things of all. All things. Men women sheepgoats! You!
PETE: Right. Fine. Except....it's a five dollar charge.
BJORN: But....I haven't fiver dollar bills!
PETE: There you go. I know what we haven't covered!
CARRIE: What?
MAC: I'm in charge, I'll ask the questions. What, Pete?
PETE: The most important thing we should talk about.
CARRIE: Whether or not BillyThrilly and DClary are the same person?
PETE: The most vital thing we could possibly touch on...
MAC: Bjorn has already --
PETE: Hush. It's the biggest secret that the AW world has been clamoring for!
JBAL: Yo, man, you ain't bad! You ain't bad, you ain't nothing!
FERRET: I am too bad! I HATE YOU!
BJORN: I am not really the Bjorn. I confession.
CARRIE: THen who ARE you?
BJORN pulls off his skin, his beautiful and milky skin so full of muscles and the scars of love and war.
It is, in reality, HUGH JACKMAN.
HUGH JACKMAN: Sorry! It's getting right hot in there, stuffed in with Jason Isaacs!
PETE: I....am going to go be a little sick.
CARRIE & MAC: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
JBAL's ears begin to bleed.
HUGH JACKMAN: We came here, at first naked but later clothed, to learn from you all the final secret of the world, the thing which all need to know: The password! The password to the AW Moderator forum!
HUGH JACKMAN goes up to MAC. JASON ISAAC rubs her shoulders.
HUGH: Will you......tell me......m'lady?
MAC: Sure. That one's easy.
HUGH JACKMAN smiles.
HUGH: You tell Jason, then. I find myself strangely attracted.......to Pete! I must have you!
PETE: WHoa! Waitaminutehangon! Jbal! HELP!
JBAL: ......servesyouright.........
PETE: OH GOD GET HIM OFF ME!
MAC: The password for the moderator forums is--
PETE wakes up. He realizes he's lying next to his wife, who is still deeply asleep. He expects that it was all a dream, except...
....except for the smudges of oil that have been rubbed off on his shirt.
PETE: Oh God. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or not. That password would have been handy to have.
SUDDENLY.....the door opens, and in walks--
TO BE CONCLUDED.
-- IN--
PETE & CARRIE 3: WHEN PREDITORS ATTACK
PETE & CARRIE 2:
THE RISE OF SVEN AND BJORN
Introducing:
Sven
Bjorn
-------------------------------------
PETE is deeply asleep, at home.
Suddenly, his bedroom door opens and a large man steps in. He has long raven locks of hair and a well oiled chest and he looks with sad, knowing eyes and a brave chin at PETE. Then, he says loudly,
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: Today! As I have searched the community of the people who make the interest cause which writes the amicable advice from absolute existence been, it is the amicable individual of large good fortune. It is the member. Perhaps it is possible to help?
PETE awakes, startled. He pulls a query letter out from under his pillow, the perfect thing to frighten off intruders with.
PETE'S WIFE does not stir.
PETE: Wha!? WHAAA!? Get offamyland!! Mmmmmmgffff Who'are you?
MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: My name it is Bjorn, I me point to the oil to my body from my acre of farmland of the Scottish person, sustain to the place where it waits for beautiful maiden like Scarletpeaches which loosens my intestine, it comes! In yes thought, but my her finding, it cannot desire the fact that it can lead me!
PETE: Er. What? Why does this happen at 3 AM? Why do you not burst into my bedroom in the afternoon hours? Gawd...
PETE dials CARRIE's phone number. There is quite a lot of ringing. Meanwhile, BJORN looks on with mysterious green eyes and his fingers gently trail across the small pink scar that runs down his right cheek. He tightens his expansive shoulder muscles.
CARRIE: mmgmgmgmfffff
PETE: Carrie. Wake up. Carrie?
CARRIE: Walter?
PETE: ......what? Who the hell's Walter? It's Pete.
CARRIE: Walter?
PETE: PETE!
BJORN says helpfully: Possibly if it was move to its house, then, it would be more willingly ready to have a talk with us, because 4 osvedomlenn that hour the latter, but alas, it find the only time into 4 I could have a swim into the country, water glistening from my naked flesh in proportion to I it made you so, 4 hopes it does not remember.
PETE: I have no idea what that means.
BJORN: Yes!
PETE: Carrie, I think this guy is here to see you.
CARRIE: Um, hey, genius, WHY would some guy show up at
YOUR house, looking for me? I mean, I suppose it would
be possible if you lived next door. But, um...
PETE: Enough with the geography lesson, dammit! Now
why did you call me at this hour?!
CARRIE: *yawning* I believe you called me.
PETE: (confused) I did?
BJORN: (stroking Pete's Wife's hair) Yoo ees berry
berry loverly
PETE: HEY!! GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY WIFE, you, you, you
MUSCLEHEAD!
BJORN: (sadly shaking his head) Ees no need for
calling of name. I go now.
PETE: Why did you even COME here?!
BJORN: (brightening considerably) AH! JES! Ees da
mission! Sven be soon coming here!
PETE: Huh?
BJORN: Sven!
PETE: Great! Sven! Who's Sven?!
BJORN: E ees my brother! Of course!
PETE: Of course!
CARRIE: Um, hello?
PETE: (glances at forgotten phone in his hand) Um,
there's some big Swedish guy in my bedroom.
CARRIE: Are you just calling to brag?
PETE: No, I - HEY! What's THAT supposed to mean?
Pete's tirade is interruped by the entrance of SVEN!
SVEN: HAH! I AM GREAT SVEN!
PETE: Um, now there are TWO big Swedish guys in my
bedroom.
CARRIE: Look. I'm glad you can "entertain" all hours
of the night, but I'd really like to get some sleep.
SVEN: (grabbing phone from PETE) HALLO!! THEES EES
SVEN!!
CARRIE: YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL!
SVEN: Uh, ees veddy sorry!
BJORN: I vant to talk! Yes! Bjorn talk now!
CARRIE lays in bed, growing increasingly annoyed as
Bjorn and Sven wrestle over the phone.
She overhears Pete in the background.
PETE: Wake up! For the love of all that is holy, WAKE
UP!
BJORN: HALLO!! EES BJORN!
CARRIE: MUST YOU YELL?!
BJORN: We ees on mission! EEmportant mission! You come
now! At once! Now, woman!
PETE: Er, that's probably not the best way to talk to
her...
SVEN (thumping hairless oiled chest): Nonsense! All
woman same! Need do what ees told to them!
PETE'S WIFE stirs: ...stupid...
PETE (frantically waving hands at Nordic loudmouths):
Shut up! She'll kill you!
SVEN: No matter! Must carry out mission!
CARRIE: Can I hang up now?
PETE: NO!! You have to come, too!
CARRIE: WHY?!
PETE: Because we're a team! I can't go on these
adventures alone!
CARRIE: $@#!*& Fine. Pick me up in half an hour.
PETE: Half hour? But you're...
CARRIE: Enough with the geography lesson!
PETE: FINE!
Half an hour later, PETE, SVEN and BJORN arrive at
CARRIE'S door.
CARRIE opens the front door. She looks at Pete, who is fully clothed and Bjorn and Sven who between them are wearing enough material to make one pair of pants.
CARRIE: It's like....dying, and not having any idea where you've wound up.
PETE: Funny. Have any tea? That was a horrible drive.
CARRIE: You don't drive, do you?
PETE: I do. I know how. Just fine! Sven and Bjorn certainly don't!
CARRIE: When did you learn to drive?
PETE: Hello? Video games? Since I was, like, younger?
CARRIE: Right. Hello.....Bjorn. Sven. Can I help you?
BJORN: What where is this, today! The woman who is not the kitchen swooning her how is extraordinary in strange us. Today, woman! We meeting, are very delightful!
CARRIE: Yes. I am also delighted to meet...you....I think.
PETE: Right. Shall we go? Unless you have tea.
CARRIE: No tea. Have you got a query letter?
PETE looks around guiltily.
PETE: Time to go. Quickly, we must go! The going is commencing!
CARRIE: Right. And where are we going?
PETE: To the one person who will be able to figure out what it is that these large and passionate Swedish men need and why they have sought us out!
CARRIE: Sean Connory...?
PETE: Alas, we cannot afford him. No, we seek....MacAllister!
They get into PETE'S sweet ride, a tricky thing since it is a Dodge Neon and Sven and Bjorn are larger than small trees, rippling with muscles and barely contained love and rage, as they brush back long blond and black hair, tying them with strips of leather to keep out of masculine faces, so full of bravery and truth, so full of the love for a woman that would ------
PETE: Anyway.
Sorry.
They go to MacAllister's.
EXT: MACALLISTER'S MANSION: A large and imposing castle with the letters "AW" flying out front on a flag. lightning crashes in the distance, though it was a quiet and clear night when they arrived.
MAC: Now. As we know, I am in charge around AW.
PETE: We know that, yes, and we figured you'd be able to shed some light on what it is that Bjorn and Sven wanted.
CARRIE: Also, you have bean-bag chairs.
MAC: You can have bean bag chairs when you're in charge. Like me.
PETE: Yes..........and if you would? Bjorn? Can you tell Mac what you want?
BJORN: The world changes. I feel that of the water. I feel that of the earth. As for me that of air At one time many which are have remembered that or, everyone has lived, because every one now, it is not lost. That started from the forging material of the large ring. 3 immortality of all existence, to be wisest and most fairness were given to the elf. Small size of mountain hole main thing, to splendid miner and craftsman 7. And 9, nine rings, especially, were talent rich in competition of the person who desires power. But those were made, entirely, being deceived because of another ring, it was. With the land of Mordor of the fire of destiny of the mount, as for the Sauron dark main thing in control other things the master ring, was made with secret. And he that cruelty, that malice and that will poured in order to control life everything in this ring. One ring which controls those entirely.
CARRIE is asleep.
PETE is asleep.
MAC is asleep.
SVEN is rubbing herbal oils across his glistening arms, they shine in the light as he flexes large and scarred muscles, rugged from long days bare-chested in the fields and battles against those who would oppress women instead of throwing them down on piles of hay and loving them sweetly and tenderly and ---
PETE: All right! I'm up! STOP!
MAC blinks blearily.
CARRIE: I feel rested now.
PETE: So. Mac. Do we have any idea what they want?
MAC: I am unsure. I will consult the Sages.
PETE: What exactly will herbs do?
Herbs! Such as the things which Sven and Bjorn make into oils and rub themselves down with to keep them well oiled and cool in the blazing midday sun that casts shadows off their bulging muscles and--
PETE: WHAT WILL HERBS DO.
MAC: The Sages who Know Things. I will ask them. Barring that, I will ask my Uncle Jim.
PETE: Fine. Carrie?
CARRIE: Huh?
PETE: Carrie? Are you okay?? MAC?
MAC: Huh?
PETE waves his hand in front of Carrie's face. She
snaps back to consciousness. She grabs PETE'S arm and
whispers,
CARRIE: The nipple! Don't look directly into their
nipples!
PETE pulls MAC away.
MAC: Holy shit, what was THAT?!
PETE: What was what?
MAC: I could see... the future!
BJORN (massaging his chest): HAH!! Thees are neeples
of prophecy!
PETE: Hey, that's what they should have called the
seventh Harry Potter book!
CARRIE: Harry Potter and the Nipples of Prophecy?
PETE: Yes!
CARRIE and MAC look at each other, hoping he's not
serious. Um, he is.
BJORN: NOH! We not deescuss books! We deescuss
mission!
PETE: Yes! The mission! What IS the mission?
BJORN (looks at SVEN): Brother, ees time to tell new
friends zee mission!
SVEN (flopping dramatically onto one of MAC's chairs):
NOH! Time ees not now!
MAC: HEY!!! Get your oily butt off the beanbag!
SVEN rises majestically: Woman! You speak to SVEN!
MAC (glaring): WIPE. THAT. OIL. OFF. MY. CHAIR.
SVEN: EES Woman's work!
SVEN is now a crumpled mass on the floor.
MAC cracks her knuckles.
BJORN: You want I should wipe thees off?! YES!! Zee
towels of paper do maaaaaahvelous!!!
A dark streak zooms through the living room, making an
end table wobble.
MAC: SHADOW FERRET! How many times have I told you to
be careful in here?!
MAC straightens her priceless Ming Vase while FERRET
greets the guests.
FERRET: Who are these guys?
CARRIE: Don't ask...
BJORN (propping foot on SVEN, his hair blowing in the
breeze that hadn't existed a moment ago): I AM BJORN!
He ees brother! Sven! Mission! YES!! We are on
MISSION!
CARRIE (rubbing temples): But they won't tell us what
the damn mission IS.
MAC: Let's call HASKINS. He'll know.
*phone rings, HASKINS picks up*
HASKINS: What?
MAC: Hey, what are you doing?
HASKINS: (burping) I just finished eating a puppy.
What can I do for you?
MAC: Do you know anything about SVEN and BJORN?
HASKINS: I knew this day would come.
MAC: What do we do?
HASKINS: Whatever you do, do not look into their
nipples.
MAC: I know. You can see the future.
HASKINS: NO! It's a trick! That was NOT the future you
saw. Bring them to me.
SVEN and BJORN pull open the doors of HASKIN'S DUNGEON, their shoulders bulging as they set to their work, great arms that would otherwise be so tender now applying great strength to the task which they lovingly --
PETE: Oh my god, would you stop?
Look, what else have I go to do? Anyway, look at them?
PETE: I'm trying not to. I don't think I've ever wanted to see this much big and mostly naked Swedish male in my life.
You haven't. It's been one of my life-long dreams, that they would love me sweet and completely, and --
PETE: You're going to make me throw up.
HASKINS: Yes. MANY who enter here throw up. In the end.
CARRIE: Willy! Hi!
HASKINS: Yes. MANY have called me Willy, leading to the end.
MAC: Now, let's have some order here. I'm in charge, I call for order. Haskins, what do you make of them?
HASKINS: They are large Swedish men.
MAC: I know that.
PETE: They appeared in my bedroom.
FERRET: Proving to him that there is a god.
HASKINS reclines thoughtfully back on his throne, a great black chair made out of skulls. He taps his bone fingertips against the armrest. Thoughtfully, he turns a lever that kills two free-verse poets chained up in the basement. Their screams make him smile.
Sven and Bjorn bravely stand in the face of the screams, their large hearts going out to the dead people, their large hands tightening into fists over the sounds, they wish to comfort them and others with their large--
PETE: OKAY! Hang on. I can't take much more of this.
CARRIE: Me neither. I can't believe you hauled me back for the friggin' sequel. Can't you do with with RllgThunder or something?
PETE: No. It's his weekend to be Feather Boa Surprise down at the Super-Duper Trooper Club. He's busy.
CARRIE: What about Spooky?
PETE: He's joined the Frenching Foreign Legion.
CARRIE: Surely you mispronounce.
PETE: Nope. Don't ask.
CARRIE: What about....um.......one of the new kids on the forums?
HASKINS burps.
CARRIE: Never mind.
PETE: Look, Sven? Please, if you're looking for someone, can you just say yes?
SVEN: True!
PETE: Good! Hey, great! Okay. Do you have a name?
SVEN: Up! Is Sven!
PETE: Right, but who are you looking for? What is the name of the person your mission is about?
BJORN and SVEN look at each other (beautifulgrayandbrowneyes) and they think thoughtfully and then BJORN reaches out and clasps SVEN'S (gorgeouslyshaped) shoulder. They both look back at PETE and BJORN says (inavoicelikehoney)
BJORN: ..............Ritchie James?
CARRIE: Oh. Um. Oh dear.
HASKINS: SILENCE!
He reaches down and rips the still-beating heart from
one of the poets. He chews thoughtfully.
SILVER FISH skitters into the room.
SILVER KING: That's Silver KING!! KING!!
NARRARATOR: Well, your avatar is a Silver FISH. Easy
mistake.
SILVER KING: Well go back and fix it. I do NOT
skitter.
NARRARATOR: Fine.
SILVER KING flops into the room, gasping for air.
SILVER KING: That is NOT funny!
NARRARATOR shrugs: Anyway.
SVEN and BJORN approach HASKINS's throne, attempting
to hypnotize him with their Nipples -O- Prophecy.
HASKINS grabs all four
(perfectlyformedhypnoticallybeautiful) nipples,
twisting cruelly.: You didn't think that would work on
ME, did you?!
PETE: How the heck is he twisting all four nipples?
CARRIE: Some things, it's just better not to know.
FERRET: Is there some point to all this?
MAC: I'm thinking not.
SVEN and BJORN are weeping, their once-perfect nipples
now bruised and no longer functional.
MAC: What WERE those things?
HASKINS: Nipples.
MAC: *blinking* Um, yeah... What was their purpose?
HASKINS: Well, when a fetus is formed...
MAC: NEVER MIND!
SVEN: Sven no liking thees place!
BJORN: JAH! Bjorn no like!
FERRET (slaps forehead): Can I leave now? Please?
CARRIE: No. Sorry. Once you've been written in, you're
stuck.
FERRET: Dammit!
SILVER KING: Um, can we get to a story or something?
PETE: YES! To the story!
HASKINS waves a hand and a door opens. A bright light
shines through, blinding the motley crue.
CARRIE: Don't you mean "crew"?
NARRARATOR: Hey, who's telling this story, anyway?!
It's CRUE. With little dots over the U.
CARRIE: I don't see little dots.
NARRARATOR (getting annoyed): PRETEND, okay?!
CARRIE: Fine.
NARRARATOR: Anyhow. A bright light blinds them.
MAC: (shielding eyes) Where does that lead?
SVEN: JAH!! To zee mission!
BJORN: Zee mission!
THE PARTY passes through the blinding white light. It reflects off of BJORN and SVEN which is a gorgeous sight to behold and really we should pause a moment and just study and stare at the light reflecting off those beautiful muscles, that curving back, the loving way in which BJORN gently rests his large hand on PETE'S shoulder--
PETE: Whoa! Hang on! Leave me out of this!
BJORN: Sorry. I am frightened.
SVEN: As am I!
CARRIE: Get your hand off my butt anyway.
MAC: Sorry.
HASKINS: whereis silver fish
He has died. There's no water around here.
SILVER KING: What? I'm right here for Pete's sake.
PETE: They are rowing without knowing where they're going....
CARRIE: You're really all over the place today.
At last, they pass through the white light and find themselves standing on the grounds of a great British boarding school, a menacing old castle full of moats and turrents and tunnels and dungeons and menace and love and evil and joy and friends and moments of
PETE: You have really got to get a grip.
CARRIE: I don't quite see why we're here.
MAC: As the person in charge --
PETE: We saw the sign, yes.
MAC: --I have brought us, via Haskins, to this place, where James Ritchie lives, in the hopes that we can solve this mystery once and for all.
SILVER KING: He lives at a boarding school?
MAC: Apparently. There he is.
JAMES RITCHIE approaches. He is a little over four feet tall, has too much hair, and his wearing a gray jacket and tie and a small cap with the school's St. Custard's logo on it. He wears dress shorts and long socks. He scratches his nose.
PETE: ............words fail me.
CARRIE: HEART fails me.
BJORN: Aye, he makes me feel similar inside!
MAC: Hello, James. How is school life?
JAMES: It is uterly wet and weedy as i shall (i hope) make clear but of course that is the same with all skools.
SHADOW FERRET is injected with some sort of toxin by a passing Chihuahua, and then is dragged away into the silence of the night without anyone noticing.
PETE: Bjorn? Tell James Ritchie what you needed to tell him.
BJORN: Hello, James Ritchie! We were will be extensive far and it searches widely, is many and the woman who is beautiful, anyone like that fair but with the Carrie and it loved the Mac, but we from that place the branch will not be. In order for you when Iss it was and to see an answer back in the head of a family company one thing of all life question we at your outside, searched my sibling and the I,: Does the objective of same name company what, and why or use theyn does happen place it? ?
JAMES: i, james ritchie, gorila of 3b and hero hem-hem of this peice, am stroling down main skool corridor one evening after prep when i encounter my grate freind peason clutching a mitey TOME.
PETE: I....am at a loss here.
CARRIE: I think we should go.
A small Chihuahua sticks a needle in MAC'S neck and then slides her limp body away.
PETE: I don't know where we should go. What if Bjorn and Sven cause trouble?
CARRIE: More trouble than this?
A small smoke bomb is thrown into the area and all fall asleep. When they awake, they are all chained up, including SVEN and BJORN, who have been strapped to the wall with delicate silk strings, and also they are naked now and well oiled, the flickering lamps glittering off them.
PETE: GOOD GOD THAT'S NOT RIGHT
CARRIE: What? I don't see anything wrong.
MAC: mffghgghgrrri'minchargemmcmfhf
HASKINS opens a portal, full of flames, and returns from whence he came without another word. This does no one else any good, for they are trapped, TRAPPED in the clutches of the person who holds them!
PETE: So. What happens now.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Now, my sweet, there is loving! And sleeping! And spooning! And a memorable forking occasion! NOW, my pet, you shall preform for us!
PETE: Er......I've left my lumberjack clothes at home?
CARRIE: Who is this anyway?
The speaker of the MYSTERIOUS VOICE steps out of the shadows, and it is a well built and impressive figure of such astonishing beauty that they cannot help but be in love. The speaker of the MYSTERIOUS VOICE....ME! The Narrator! And I am Terri!
CARRIE: Ouch!
PETE: What?
CARRIE: Something bit my arm! It's chewing on the
ropes!
MAC: Ferret! You're back!
A light shines on the creature - a large sewer rat
with dried blood around its mouth.
MAC: (squinting) Wait. That's not a ferret, is it?
CARRIE: Um, no.
MAC: There he is!
A weasel skitters through the room.
PETE: Yes! Ferret, come help us!
TERRI: SILENCE! Ferret will help NO ONE!
WEASEL: I'm not a ferret!
SVEN: Zee ferret! 'E plays steupit! Ees lying!
TERRI grabs the weasel and straps him to the wall:
Don't play games with me, Shadow Ferret!
WEASEL: I AM NOT A FERRET!!
CARRIE: Pffft, whatever!
TERRI: Dammit, you guys, I said SILENCE! (stomps feet)
From beyond the doorway, a large shadow looms.
EVERYONE gasps.
LOOMING SHADOW: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Fools! I
have you all now! You've all been pawns in my game.
CARRIE: What game?
A Monopoly board is shoved across the floor.
PETE: WTF? Monopoly?
MAC: This is just stupid.
BJORN: Eye ees missing Desperate Housewives for
thees!!
LOOMING SHADOW clears throat: Um, er, that was a joke.
Do you people not get a JOKE?
EVERYONE: Heh.
The figure steps into the room. A diabolical little
Chihuahua in a tiny little lab coat stands in the
center of the room, surveying his captive audience.
HAGGIS: Now. Now you will all do MY BIDDING!
PETE: You mean like on eBay? Cuz I don't think they
let you do someone else's bidding.
HAGGIS steps forward and climbs a stepladdar and slaps
PETE across the face.
PETE: Er, Ouch?
CARRIE: That was RUDE.
HAGGIS: YOU. You are the cause of all this!
CARRIE: ME? What are you talking about?!
HAGGIS: When you slapped me against the truck door in
the last Pete & Carrie Variety Hour , something happened to me. Something deep
inside me shifted and changed. Perhaps even died.
CARRIE: Oh, puhleeze!
HAGGIS: Okay, not really. But aren't the special
effects really cool? You're really just in my garage.
HAGGIS pushes a button which raises the garage door.
His NEIGHBORS are strolling down the sidewalk.
HAGGIS: Shit!
He waves nervously and presses the button to close the
door.
A knock on the door startles the little rat-like dog.
SUSIE and HOWIE enter.
SUSIE: Haggis! This isn't nice! Not nice at all. BAD
DOGGIE!
HAGGIS wets himself in shame.
SUSIE and HOWIE untie everyone.
SUSIE (shaking finger at Haggis): Will you promise not
to tie up any more people?
HAGGIS: Yes. Sorry, Susie.
SUSIE and HOWIE leave.
HAGGIS: Good! NOw that they're gone, I can rechain you to the wall and complete my master plan!
PETE: What? Isn't that dishonest? Susie would not think very much of that!
HAGGIS: Well.....I won't tell her.
PETE: I might.
HAGGIS: You might not SURVIVE the coming session!
CARRIE: She wouldn't like that either.
MAC: I might.
There is a knock on the door, which makes HAGGIS jumpy. He answers the door, a gun tucked behind his back.
JBAL walks in.
PETE: YO! Yo, yo, what up? My brother from another mother!
JBAL: ........I've asked you not to do that.
PETE: What dat, yo? My ears are full of the white man oppressing me?
JBAL: You're a lunatic. Okay? I hate you all.
CARRIE: I apologize for him. He hasn't had any tea.
JBAL: THat's what I'm here for. I was told to bring tea to the set.
HAGGIS: Set? What is set? Aside from my EVIL MACHINATIONS, which have been SET into motion! HAAAAA!
JBAL: Er. Nevermind.
PETE: Yo, check this. *ahem* I dropped it like it was hot, those rocks that I got, poppin' coins in a slot, makin' money on the lot-tery. Uh. I says I --
BJORN: Yah! Is like music from home! We set up the sheep, behind it we creep, bring it Sven, and then the sheep is in the fence, and our pants have--
PETE: WHOA! Okay! I'll stop!
JBAL, disgusted, leaves, taking the tea with him.
JAMES RITCHIE: onse i waz in the lokker room viz. my skool an the big boys hem hem were standign abowt and one of them chiz. and wit uterly wet and a weed with a towll--
CARRIE: This is ridiculous.
CARRIE pulls the chains off her wrists and off the walls, much to the surprise of everyone. She picks up HAGGIS.
HAGGIS: Hang on! You can't do that! It's not in the script!
CARRIE: I know. I got tired of that script. We're going to do this MY WAY now.
PETE: We have a SCRIPT? Why didn't anyone tell me?
CARRIE: Quit whining. If you'd clean out your PM box
once in a while, you would have known.
CARRIE absentmindedly scratches HAGGIS's head. He
starts to purr.
PETE: Um, dogs don't purr.
JBAL: HA HA! You thought I was really leaving, didn't
you?
PETE: Er, okay...
CATHY C pokes her head around the doorway: SVEN!
BJORN! There you are! I've been looking for you
everywhere!!!
BJORN: ACH! Zee photo shoot for zee vonderful novel of
romance!
SVEN: ACH! JES! Ve apologize! Ve coming now!
BJORN and SVEN follow CATHY C out of the garage.
JBAL is sitting in the corner, picking at his
toenails.
PETE: That's really disgusting.
JBAL: Don't be hatin', man!
RLLGTHUNDER leaps into the room: HA HA HA!!! IT was ME
all along! It was ME who...
PETE: Huh? I thought you were away at some pom pom
convention?
RLLG: Ha! No!
CARRIE: Why are you yelling everything?
RLLG: Because I am really BJORN!!
He pulls his face off, revealing Bjorn.
MAC slaps her forehead: What next?!
PETE: I don't know what's next. I mean, we've done nearly everything.
MAC: Bjorn certainly has!
PETE: And I think we've covered all points...
CARRIE: MAC certainly has!
PETE: And I think we've just about done everyone we can....
MAC: Bjorn certainly--
BJORN: I have not the Pete made love to.
PETE: Hang on. I thought you were some sort of pervy sheep lover?
BJORN: I love the things of all. All things. Men women sheepgoats! You!
PETE: Right. Fine. Except....it's a five dollar charge.
BJORN: But....I haven't fiver dollar bills!
PETE: There you go. I know what we haven't covered!
CARRIE: What?
MAC: I'm in charge, I'll ask the questions. What, Pete?
PETE: The most important thing we should talk about.
CARRIE: Whether or not BillyThrilly and DClary are the same person?
PETE: The most vital thing we could possibly touch on...
MAC: Bjorn has already --
PETE: Hush. It's the biggest secret that the AW world has been clamoring for!
JBAL: Yo, man, you ain't bad! You ain't bad, you ain't nothing!
FERRET: I am too bad! I HATE YOU!
BJORN: I am not really the Bjorn. I confession.
CARRIE: THen who ARE you?
BJORN pulls off his skin, his beautiful and milky skin so full of muscles and the scars of love and war.
It is, in reality, HUGH JACKMAN.
HUGH JACKMAN: Sorry! It's getting right hot in there, stuffed in with Jason Isaacs!
PETE: I....am going to go be a little sick.
CARRIE & MAC: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
JBAL's ears begin to bleed.
HUGH JACKMAN: We came here, at first naked but later clothed, to learn from you all the final secret of the world, the thing which all need to know: The password! The password to the AW Moderator forum!
HUGH JACKMAN goes up to MAC. JASON ISAAC rubs her shoulders.
HUGH: Will you......tell me......m'lady?
MAC: Sure. That one's easy.
HUGH JACKMAN smiles.
HUGH: You tell Jason, then. I find myself strangely attracted.......to Pete! I must have you!
PETE: WHoa! Waitaminutehangon! Jbal! HELP!
JBAL: ......servesyouright.........
PETE: OH GOD GET HIM OFF ME!
MAC: The password for the moderator forums is--
PETE wakes up. He realizes he's lying next to his wife, who is still deeply asleep. He expects that it was all a dream, except...
....except for the smudges of oil that have been rubbed off on his shirt.
PETE: Oh God. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or not. That password would have been handy to have.
SUDDENLY.....the door opens, and in walks--
TO BE CONCLUDED.
-- IN--
PETE & CARRIE 3: WHEN PREDITORS ATTACK
