Evil Editor Did Me.

PeeDee · Dec 28, 2006

Someone.....hold me.....tell me I'm still beautiful.....

(See? See???)

I am beautiful. No matter what he says! Words can't bring me down! Me an' Alan Moore are delicate flowers...!

That said, if anyone wouldn't mind, care to read his comments on my query letter (my query letter itself, if you haven't) and see what you think?

I shortened it on advice from you wonderful people, he suggests I lengthen it. I think that I'll listen to the both of you and find that nice and comfy middle ground.

*mumbles* Somehow.

Can't I just friggin' write to the editor and say "Hi! Look, I'm really crapper at these query letters, so here's who I am, here's what my book's about. Kay? And if you are interested, here's my e-mail and phone number. Ta!"

*mumblegrumble*

Little Red Barn · Dec 28, 2006

For me the original worked w/ just a few exceptions...
The 1st paragraph...punch it up some more to draw him(editor) in.
Instead of telling editor you like the people he represents, do your homework and actually point to one..give.

my lil ole' 2 cents

Birol · Dec 28, 2006

Do you have the link for the query letter you posted here?

Little Red Barn · Dec 28, 2006

Birol said:
Do you have the link for the query letter you posted here?

Birol, I clicked on see see in Pee dees post...to look at it.

Birol · Dec 28, 2006

That takes me to the Evil Editor blog and the cover letter that he revised and submitted, not the cover letter he posted on AW. I wanted to compare the two.

rugcat · Dec 28, 2006

I don’t think EE is necessarily the final arbiter on all matters query.

Remember, a query isn’t a stand alone work; it’s designed to accurately portray your ms and convince the agent that your work is worth considering. I think your query does that. No query letter is going to be 100% successful (I have no stats to back this up) nor should it be. When I was sending queries, I got a few responses which said, well, it doesn’t look like my sort of thing. I didn’t consider that a rejection; I thought of it as saving both of us some time and effort. I think an agent who specifically reps the kind of book you’ve written will say, hmm, might be worth a look.

And a query one agent loves will be a query that leaves another cold - much like the ms, I suspect.

Carrie in PA · Dec 28, 2006

I think this is the thread.

rugcat · Dec 28, 2006

Lori - here's the original thread, if it helps.http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=48636

MidnightMuse · Dec 28, 2006

You're still beautiful.

sealy · Dec 28, 2006

Evil Editor...

Is actually a chick.

Seal

PeeDee · Dec 28, 2006

That's the thread all right.

The generic "I like the people you represent" paragraph was just there as filler. It's a generic query letter. When I submitted it to one editor, I chopped that part out anyway, because no one likes a kiss-ass.

I know Evil Editor's not the final say...but he did make a good point, and he does it amusingly, which I enjoy. I wish I'd thought of spelling Dimitri's name the way he did, because I love the god/mythology connection. Ah well. Not changing it now.

I think I'm going to try using my original query letter as a guide, but I'm going to work with my new query and build it up from there. Maybe. I don't know. Garrrrumble.

What bugs me is, my hook line is built around the fire and the Faerie rescuing him from it. I think it's a good hook. The thing is, I don't want to explain why the fire occurs or anything, because that's largely irrelevant to the rest of the story, and it would be confusing to explain, and to no avail. Which means I should probably take it out. Except...it's my hook.

PeeDee · Dec 28, 2006

sealy said:
Is actually a chick.

Seal

Is not. Really? Seriously?

(is it you? Is that it? AH-hah!)

Birol · Dec 28, 2006

Thanks Carrie and rugrat.

Pete, you're still beautiful.

sealy · Dec 28, 2006

EE

Seal ain't no chick.

Seal

Birol · Dec 28, 2006

PeeDee said:
What bugs me is, my hook line is built around the fire and the Faerie rescuing him from it. I think it's a good hook. The thing is, I don't want to explain why the fire occurs or anything, because that's largely irrelevant to the rest of the story, and it would be confusing to explain, and to no avail. Which means I should probably take it out. Except...it's my hook.

If the hook's not working... Kill your darlings.

maestrowork · Dec 28, 2006

As much as I love you, Mr. Still Beautiful, I do agree that parts of your query was a generic:

He doesn't understand why something like this should fall to him, but it does and he's the only one who can stop the unfolding chaos.

This adds nothing to your query and is as vague as it can be.

And IMHO, the following paragraph can go -- it's vague, and it falls into the "telling the agent/editor why the book is great" category:

FROM GRAY MISTS, RETURNED is an urban-fantasy novel, complete at 100,000 words. It's about how the world changes around us, sometimes despite our best efforts. It's about doing the right thing, even when it's the hardest possible thing you can do. It's about change, and loss, and it's about finding your place. It is also, I hope, just a good story.

And the "I hope" contradicts yourself. Is it, or is it not, a good story? If you're not sure yourself, then you can't convince the editor.

But, yes, Mr. PeeDee, you're still beautiful to me.

smiley10000 · Dec 28, 2006

The Crapometer has been really helpful for me in learning how to write a hook.

If I understand what Miss Snark has said so far, she would say leave the fire out as it's just set-up/backstory. You need to get to the conflict.

What makes me interested in your story is struggle between the faerie and the Gram guy you mentioned in the original query. One wants the mists open, the other wants the mists shut and they are going to fight over Demitri until they get what they want--or as I'm hoping happens in the end, Demitri gets away from them both and does what he pleases. Start with Demitiri the ordinary guy that is caught in a tug of war between two antagonists and you may be able to pump some energy into the hook.

Is the story funny? Judging by your posts here at AW, I assume it is. Instead of saying the creatures are "wreaking havoc" which is vague, maybe you want to give a funny example like: "And to make matters worse, Demitri is left explaining to the cops what a unicorn is doing on main street and trying to keep a centaur from destroying Macy's in search of clothes in his size."

Good luck with this...
I wonder if the reason I am procrastinating on the editing bit is because I am not looking forward to this part of the game either...
:Hug2:

10000

PeeDee · Dec 28, 2006

smiley10000 said:
Is the story funny? Judging by your posts here at AW, I assume it is. Instead of saying the creatures are "wreaking havoc" which is vague, maybe you want to give a funny example like: "And to make matters worse, Demitri is left explaining to the cops what a unicorn is doing on main street and trying to keep a centaur from destroying Macy's in search of clothes in his size."

.....That would be fun. It has some funny moments (a lot of them in dialogue; I think I fall into the Joss Whedon category there) but nothing so cool as that. On AW and in real life, I tend to be more amusing than the fiction I write...

Ray, you're right, it is rather generic, mumblegrumble. I guess I did that, because I was worried I'd be the writer going, "Yes, well, you understand that at this point, our hero loves Barbara, but Barbara doesn't know, and anyway she loves Rachael which no one knows, but this is backstory, now the scene we're in is Rachael meeting Lucy who loves Mike who loves Barbara, and......" if you see what I mean. So I tried to strip it down. Obviously too far.

And smilley, you're right, that I should focus on the tug-of-war between the Faerie and Garem. Birol nailed me to the wall with what I say all the time: kill my darlings. I think that the house-on-fire scene is a good opening hook for the book, but maybe less so for the query letter.

Hm. Hm. Hm. I have a query letter to re-write, don't I?

(Or, I could decide that obviously, Evil Editor personally hates me and my novel personally, just like the whole publishing industry, which is out to get me, just like all of you, you conspirators, and obviously I'm the only one who sees the truth. There must be something to that viewpoint, it comes up a lot. I wonder if it's fun after all....)

Stew21 · Dec 28, 2006

Pete, I think you've gotten great advice here, and I know you will figure out how to get the query written! Now go do it. Don't take what EE said personally, consider it constructive crit. And yes, you are still beautiful,
However, your avatar...not so much.

PeeDee · Dec 28, 2006

You.....dont' think my avatar's pretty........?

Now I just have to take everything personally!

Stew21 · Dec 28, 2006

He's scary. If he came into my house I would scream like mad, grab a ball bat and call 911...but it is no reflection on how beautiful you are, dear.

Birol · Dec 28, 2006

PeeDee, what about something like this? (I hope you don't mind. I needed a warm-up exercise.)

When a Faerie saves Demitri Chabon from a house fire that kills his wife, his problems are only beginning. Enslaved by the Faerie's magic, he is compelled to use a long dormant power in his blood to help her destroy the Gray Mists which separate the modern world from Haven, the realm where magic and its creatures were long ago imprisoned.

The results are disastrous.

Trolls, Dragons, Gargoyles, Centaurs, and all other manner of legendary creatures are stranded in modern-day Minnesota and free to exact revenge for their long exile while the newly released magic destroys our world as it attempts to remake it for its own needs.

Abandoned by Faerie and on the verge of death, Demitri is once again rescued. This time by the grim Garem Tock, who nurses Demitri back to health in exchange for Demitri's promise to help restore the Gray Mists he helped destroy.

As the situation in the modern world of man worsens, Demitri is confronted on all sides by beings he believed only existed in myth and fairy tales. He slowly begins to realize that no creature is completely good or evil. As those who would restore the Gray Mists and those who would destroy them for good hunt him, he also realizes that the power in his blood is his to control and the decision to imprison hundreds of innocent creatures or allow the world to by destroyed by magic, is his, and his alone, to make.

Stew21 · Dec 28, 2006

Lori! That is fantastic.

PeeDee · Dec 28, 2006

Lori, I'll sire you sons if you want. I mean, I'll even get the surgery to make it possible an', an', an' everything.

That's brilliant. You just summarized my book much, much (muchmuchmuch) better than I did. I'll have to comfort myself by writing some good fiction or something later this afternoon.

Birol · Dec 28, 2006

Er, you have to have surgery to sire sons? Um, that's okay. Really. I have no desire to be a mother. And I just helped watch my 3 3/4 year old nephew Tuesday afternoon and evening, so I've had confirmation of that. It was like having a little, talking tornado inside the house. I'm much more suited to being an aunt than a mom-type person.

Seriously, I'm of the firm belief that synopses and query summaries are best written by someone else, not the writer who spent untold hours creating a 100K novel. We're too close to our own work to be able to do it effectively. I'll have the same problem. Hopefully soon.

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