Pat~ said:
Terri, I remember when you went to her funeral. I'm sorry you're missing her so much right now. How neat that you shared a good relationship...what was she like?
We really didn't, Pat. She's been an addict all my life and she died of a drug over dose. My mom drove me nuts most of the time always worrying if she would be found dead and then it finally happened.
I miss just not having someone to call mom. She was high most of the time in the last 6 months of her life and I did everything I could do to save her from her death. I miss the fact that I'll never have the chance to have a real mom because it's over now. She would have given me grief this Christmas and I don't miss that, but it seems I miss something I can't have.
Sometimes when I'd call her she was level headed and sober and a real mom, but I couldn't' just let myself just freely love her. I didn't want to get hurt when I found out she killed herself. I lived every day with a hope that she would get it and quit the pills, quit getting high and see that I needed her before she left this place. Now she's gone and the hope is gone too.
I still find myself wanting to call her and make her laugh and have her tell me she was going to quit acting selfish and make me proud of her. She loved getting high more than she wanted to be my mom. At least when she was alive there was still that little hope to hold on to.
She loved me though, I realize that. She just couldn't let go of the pills long enough to reach me. The pills won and I lost. Why did she love being high so much? I'll never know.
She missed my 40th birthday, her favorite granddaughters first day of school, she's going to miss my first publishing if I ever get there, all because she needed that ultimate high.
She accepted what Jesus did for her on the cross, so now she's happy, but I'm not. I'm still here holding all these questions, all this baggage. And I still need a mother. What I would give to have an earthly parent to guide me through this life.
I saw a woman on TV last month give up her life for alcohol. Her mother and aunt were the sweetest little old ladies in the world, they just wanted to be free to love her, but she loves the drink more. If I could I would give my kidney to have those two women in my life.
For three years I was even shunned by my church because of my chronic illness and the women I reached out to dumped me, so I don't trust anybody to be that woman in my life. I've shut out all my past relationships with females. I just simply didn't give anyone my new phone number when I moved. I felt let down by all of them. I kept a couple of them and that's it. I won't even make friends with anyone at my church because I simply don't trust them or I can't connect with them.
I don't know why I just told you all that. I didn't mean to dump all that on you. I just dumped it all out on this page because it's quiet in my house and it needed to come out.
I'll feel better after the holidays.
