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DreamWorks
12-18-2006, 10:14 AM
I feel the meter and structre lends itself to both mediums, but the content lends itself more to poetry - true/ false? Oh yes, and, do you like it?

pale smooth ivory skin
white teeth flashy grin
I sold my soul to not grow old
but my flesh is wearing thin

tan smooth silken cream
who will wake me from my dream?
stear me clearer from the mirror,
or I'll break it with my steam

bare as a babies sunkissed bottom
hair as fair as the leaves in autumn
my nose, a rose, was once a crow's
now I have a different problem

bless me father i'm a sinner
sold my soul to be a winner
Now I'm old and cold and sold
and my skin is wearing thinner

davids
12-18-2006, 07:24 PM
I think it is a sweet write-fits both mediums and would be interested to hear/know what the music would sound like-style/punk/rick/reggae/opera/blues/jazz/spiritual-and all that-just not chestnuts roasting and all that crap!

DreamWorks
12-19-2006, 01:01 PM
Thank you davids. You know, sometimes it is so important to hear a small word of encouragement. I also had no idea what this should sound like, but getting your response inspired me to look into it. Anyway your use of the word "sweet" totally pushed me in the write direction, inspiring me to write a melody that I feel fits that description. Even though the song itself is somewhat bitter and pained, the sweetness of the words and melody do alot to give a good counter to it.

The minute I figure out how to compress musical files I will link you to my music because nobody except my parents, and my music theory teacher has ever heard anything I have written (haven't been at it for very long) and I would really love to get some outside feedback.

davids
12-19-2006, 06:52 PM
Dreamworks-you are entirely welcome-my pleasure indeed. You ought to take the chance and let folks hear your musical heart-trust me-and I was just kidding about the chestnuts roasting open fire thing-it is just that Kenny G and co. on every loud-speaker in every public place I am forced to enter at this most merry time of year-well-the repetition is annoying my classically trained mane-let us hear some of the music-Dave

DreamWorks
12-19-2006, 09:22 PM
how awesome! my first request! ok, now I will get a move on... thank you again :)

janetbellinger
12-19-2006, 09:47 PM
Song. Songs always rhyme. It's good. Meter or whatever it's called does lend itself to music.


I feel the meter and structre lends itself to both mediums, but the content lends itself more to poetry - true/ false? Oh yes, and, do you like it?

pale smooth ivory skin
white teeth flashy grin
I sold my soul to not grow old
but my flesh is wearing thin

tan smooth silken cream
who will wake me from my dream?
stear me clearer from the mirror,
or I'll break it with my steam

bare as a babies sunkissed bottom
hair as fair as the leaves in autumn
my nose, a rose, was once a crow's
now I have a different problem

bless me father i'm a sinner
sold my soul to be a winner
Now I'm old and cold and sold
and my skin is wearing thinner

DreamWorks
12-19-2006, 10:10 PM
Thanks alot Janet! do you think lyrics wise, this song works as well without the additional "was once a crow's"
I'm having a little trouble fitting it into the music. I can do it, no problem, but i am wondering if it is adding or not neccessarily cause it slows me down just a tad

moblues
12-20-2006, 02:05 AM
Hi DW. Very bitterweet. I like this.

I see why crow's is giving you a problem:

my nose, a rose, was once a crow's

This is backwards. Having a nose like a crow's hints at being old. While I believe that having a nose like a rose is probably a reference to rosacea, it has the opposite effect.




Mike

Puma
12-20-2006, 05:17 AM
Hi Dreamworks - Songs used to always be poems - just set to a melody (but with definite meter and rhyming pattern). As I read this I could hear the melody - especially in the third stanza - what I heard was more of a crooner type (Sinatra - that vintage) with a snap finger type of beat. Try working on your meter to make the lines in each stanza consistent with the other stanzas and (even though I know you like using multiple rhyming words in the same line) try doing some variations on your lines with internal rhymes and also your end rhymes. Examples:

Now I'm old and cold and sold Now I'm old and growing cold
and my skin is wearing thinner This last line would be best if it were the same as the last line in your first stanza which was But my flesh is wearing thin. My suggestion - use flesh again in this last line and go to thinner in the first stanza (you can do it by changing your second line to end as grinner - White, bright teeth and flashy grinner.

On your nose, rose, crow's line - may be best to say now a crow's but you also need to do something with the last line in that stanza (what you have doesn't make the best sense).

Within the last month or so someone did post the score of a piece of music in Other in Share Your Work. Unfortunately I was the only one brave enough to comment. But - that is an option for a way to get it looked at. Keep the brain cells moving - you are making tremendous strides. Puma

DreamWorks
12-20-2006, 06:09 AM
This a backwards. Having a nose like a crow's hints at being old. While I believe that having a nose like a rose is probably a reference to rosacea, it has the opposite effect.


Thanks Mike :) Rosacea is a skin disease! No its not a reference to that... I'm going to have to come up with a better line for this one fast!!

Puma thank for your amazing suggestions, I am yet to really take them in so I will respond to them shortly

DreamWorks
12-20-2006, 06:38 AM
Oh my gosh - is it as good if I "go Disney" and call it - "song of the evil Queen?"

Pale, smooth, ivory skin...
Snow white - flashier grin.
I sold my soul to not grow old,
Yet, my flesh is wearing thin.

Hair as soft as silky cream...
who will wake me from this dream?
Steer me clearer from the mirror!
Or I'll break it with my steam.

Cold as an infants bare bottom,
Older than fair leaves in autumn,
I’ll steal, while she’ll...
Oh so sweetly kill my dreams.

Bless me father, I’m a sinner.
sold my soul to win!
Now I’m cold and sober...
and my flesh is wearing thin.



***

poetinahat
12-20-2006, 06:48 AM
I like it as a poem; whether it's a good song as well, I feel I'm a poor judge. The thing is that, when I read song lyrics, I see the space that's left for music - fills, bridges, whatnot - and the stretching of lines over the song's rhythm.

I wonder how the lyricists write their words around them. I'd love to be able to do that, but it's something I don't understand right now.

So, DW, in a nutshell, I like it, and I'd love to hear it as a song, but I have difficulty picturing it without the tune. Count me in as request #2.

DreamWorks
12-20-2006, 07:15 AM
Hey poetinahat... Great to see you here! when you said you liked this, were you referring to the original post or the newer version (big thanks to Puma)

moblues
12-20-2006, 07:53 AM
DW, keep the original with a changing of the line with crow's. Your second version is drifting away from your base. Stay there. It works.

Pleasant dreams. ;)




Mike

DreamWorks
12-20-2006, 09:09 AM
OK Mike. Am trying out different suggestions to see what works best. Here's your version

Pale, smooth, ivory skin
white teeth flashy grin
I sold my soul to not grow old
But my skin is wearing thin

Flesh soft as silky cream
who will wake me from my dream?
Steer me clearer from the mirror
Or I'll break it with my steam

Bare as a cold baby’s bottom
Hair like the fair leaves of autumn
I sealed that deal
And he hasn’t forgotten

bless me father, I’m a sinner
sold my soul to win.
Now I’m cold and sober
and my flesh is wearing thin

Puma
12-20-2006, 03:14 PM
Dreamworks - If this were a song, what you've got are the lyrics and usually, the tune for the lyrics is the same for every verse (maybe slightly different key but pretty much the same) (and you can put some plain instrumental in between verses). Now this may sound hokey, but sound out your lyrics in just a da-da-da dah type of way and look for places where your rhythm is off. I think that's part of the problem with your re-write (actually, regardless of whether it's a song or a poem). And realize - when people do write actual songs there are frequently many versions before it's just right. Puma

DreamWorks
12-21-2006, 06:24 AM
Thanks again Puma, for your help. How is this, rhythm wise?
look one post down

DreamWorks
12-21-2006, 12:56 PM
pale smooth ivory skin
white teeth flashy grin
I sold my soul to not grow old
but my skin is wearing thin

Flesh soft as milky cream
Who will wake me from my dream?
Steer me clearer from the mirror
Or I'll break it with my steam

Silk skin’s baby bottom
Hair as fair as leaves in autumn
These lies my eyes
Never seem to have forgotten

bless me father I’m a sinner
sold my soul to win
now i'm growing colder
for this flesh of mine is thin

Jim Colyer
01-18-2007, 05:47 AM
It is a poem, too impressionistic to be a song. Song lyrics are more conversational.

Martin Hall-Kenny
01-22-2007, 06:17 PM
Jim... ouch!
Deep Purple, Pink Floyd, the Beatles and a host of others might give you an argument about impressionism. Song lyrics might be conversational, if you are conversing. They don't have to be. If you're telling a story for example- great person for that is Chris DeBurgh. Songs are not (IMO) simply poems set to music. That would be... Poems Set To Music. There is a rational and reasonable argument that the evolution of 'songs' as a distinct medium of communication happened due to the illiteracy of peasants. In order to teach, monks etc used music to aid memory. Similarly with travellers passing on news from one village to another or criers detailing long lists of begats.
I have put this simplistically but just because a lyric is poetical doesn't mean its a poem and similarly, there are actually few poems that would make good songs.

pink lily
01-22-2007, 11:41 PM
It is a poem, too impressionistic to be a song. Song lyrics are more conversational.
I disagree. If the meter is right, and some music can be written to fit the lyrics, then it can be a song. This piece just so happens to read fine as a poem. A talented musician could be inspired to write music for it.

I think many poems can be songs, but many songs need to be seriously edited in order to become poems.

So... this is a poem, but could also be a song. Whether or not it's "impressionistic" makes no difference.

DreamWorks
01-23-2007, 10:36 PM
check out the 2nd song on this link (http://www.myspace.com/probablybipolar) and you can hear a rough version of this song (to the original lyrics)

Martin Hall-Kenny
01-23-2007, 11:38 PM
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck....
This is a song. Just listened to it! Its not quite how I imagined it and there are a number of things you could do to enhance it BUT its definately getting there. A song is like a story and there's more story here than you're telling.

DreamWorks
01-24-2007, 12:34 AM
Wow, thank you so much for taking the time! I really appreciate it. I would be thrilled to hear any specific suggestions you have to offer, but I already think I know what you mean about the telling of the story, so I will take that on and again, thank you :) I gave you a rep point btw, if you know what those are yet :)

Martin Hall-Kenny
01-24-2007, 06:18 PM
Uh... no. What are they?

DreamWorks
01-24-2007, 08:54 PM
you press the white sign beside the green light to give someone who has helped you a rep point. check your user cp to see my message

Martin Hall-Kenny
01-24-2007, 09:21 PM
Well.. I looked but there appeared to be no messages but I'm probably not doing this right. If its okay with you, I'm going to take a stab at an arrangement of your song and then let you have it. Is this okay?

DreamWorks
01-24-2007, 11:45 PM
You bet! That would be a dream come true :)

Martin Hall-Kenny
02-01-2007, 01:21 PM
I need to download again. I went to have a go at what I'd downloaded and it was currupted. I went back to your myspace but the piece wasn't there any more. Can you bang it up again so I can do the arrangement?
Thanks
Martin

DreamWorks
02-03-2007, 02:22 AM
I'll work on the new version and let you know as soon as it's up - sorry about this!

Martin Hall-Kenny
02-03-2007, 04:37 PM
Drop me the nod when you're done.

Come Back Kid
02-15-2007, 09:40 PM
Hi DM:
That was very good; however, if anyone made it singable they would
really rework it.
You are obviously a most talented person. You sang two of my favorite
songs and you have a wonderful voice. I couldn't quite get into it, when you sang, "My Man" yet I could enjoy your voice quality.
"My Funny Valentine" was also enjoyable. Do you remember when Constatine did that on American Idol? He did great too.
You're young, good-looking and talented. Use that potential and you have a bright future. If I can help, let me know.
Jim

startwearingpurple
02-15-2007, 09:57 PM
I really like the lyrics to this but when i clicked the link to listen to it nothing came up any idea's why?

DreamWorks
02-21-2007, 07:20 PM
oopsie doopsie, I only just got this message - thank you very much fine people! I took the song down, swp, this is a very old thread... when its back up i'll def let you know! I just have a lot of other stuff to deal with first...

startwearingpurple
02-25-2007, 01:51 AM
oh i just found this. ive been away to sweet paris sigh. i love it well done brother

DreamWorks
03-22-2007, 08:54 AM
Drop me the nod when you're done.

I'm done!! at long last...

http://www.myspace.com/probablybipolar

I want to make a video clip, so if you can help make this sound better that'd be awesome!

DreamWorks
03-26-2007, 12:26 AM
Hmm, Martin never got back to me, so I went ahead and shot the video :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoQTp8P0RHE

enjoy! be warned - includes partial artistic nudity (no frontals, sorry)

DreamWorks
03-26-2007, 01:58 AM
omg... my video is really good. sorry i just have to say so...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoQTp8P0RHE

Annie O
03-26-2007, 03:13 AM
OH MY GOD, DW - that is absolutely fantastic - I'm blown away, absolutely stunned - just beautiful! :Hail:

DreamWorks
03-26-2007, 08:05 AM
thanx Annie!! So glad you liked it!! your opinion means so much to me :)

Oh, and you can get off the ground now.

hahaha

xxx

DreamWorks
03-26-2007, 09:59 AM
updated link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0ahb2mfp8k

Martin Hall-Kenny
03-26-2007, 09:01 PM
Hi matey....
Been off line for a while... new job. I will get back in the saddle as soon as I have a moment to breathe!!!
Martin

DreamWorks
03-27-2007, 06:34 AM
great! can't wait :)

Martin Hall-Kenny
03-31-2007, 07:30 PM
Hi matey...
I don't seem to be able to download anything from your site...
Martin

DreamWorks
04-01-2007, 12:54 AM
ok, updated. the song is: song of Dorian Grey

Martin Hall-Kenny
04-07-2007, 03:50 AM
Finally managed a download! Watch this space.