Christmas Traditions that Didn't Make it...

"Grandma got run over by a Reindeer --the cartoon (parental purgatory)"

Rofl! Too true and I have the feeling that I will be watching it several times within the next few weeks. Or at least giving the appearance of watching it - I guess it's time to check my booze supply and then I can spike my cocoa.

But I must protest - fruit cake is mmmmmm good and your mincemeat pudding cups sound very appealling to me. I may have to do some experimenting...

I am suffering from acute sleep deprivation so I will have to come back to this thread with my offerings.

Edible stocking
Roasting your own ham over the Christmas fire
Christmas tree car-toppers
Giant red ribbons for your...er...manparts
Red/green face painting
The "sex toy" edition christmas ornaments
Actually thinking about Jesus (where's the fun in THAT??)

Y'all, I'm laughing too hard to contribute right now.

But I will chime in on the fruitcake/mincemeat issue, possibly the most burning issue of our times.

Fruitcake, unless it is drowning in fruit, alcohol and whipped topping (and therefore called trifle) is useful only as a blunt instrument and should only be wielded against someone you really want to kill ugly.

Mincemeat is neither minced nor meat, but it makes a tasty stuffing combined with crummed bread and shoved into the innards of a goose. It also makes a tasty pie. I am with Sherry, however, on the major gag-factor in putting it into a pudding cup.

Fruitcake: 1 postitive to 100 negatives. It needs to go.
Mincemeat: 50/50. It can stay.

Off to go dye my hair blonde and compete for the Mrs. Santa "Hottie" Claus Contest! Wish me luck, I was first runner up last year, but I'm going to wear a lower cut sweater this time and I think I may take the prize!

Pah! Philistines! You've obviously never tried real fruit cake. You've just been taken in by those sawdust bricks studded with neon crayon fruits that are passed around at Christmas by real fruit cake lovers. Yes you heard me, it is an insidious plot perpetuated by fruit cake lovers - they make DECOY fruit cakes out of sawdust, crayons and plasticated fruit and then hand them out so that people will take a dislike to them - and you fell for it!! When real fruit cake - which is sublime - dried fruit (the real stuff) raisins, apricots, figs, currents, pinapple, cranberries is soaked in booze for days on end, and then when sufficiently imbued with alcohol, it is every so gently and lovingly folded into butter, booze, sugar, booze, flour, the merest hint of spice, and some more booze and when baked drizzled with more booze every week til such time as someone who belongs to the super secret fruit cake society (yes we've heard all the jokes) comes along for tea and cake *wink* we break out the "good" stuff and laugh - LAUGH I tell you! at all the people who hate fruit cake. Then we pat ourselves on the back (or maybe shoulders or sometimes on the arm - two slices of fruit cake and hand co-ordination goes out the window) and congratulate ourselves on a job well done.

Btw Good luck to you Jeanne - make sure you wear a push up bra to accent that V neck.

kikazaru said:

Pah! Philistines! You've obviously never tried real fruit cake. You've just been taken in by those sawdust bricks studded with neon crayon fruits that are passed around at Christmas by real fruit cake lovers. Yes you heard me, it is an insidious plot perpetuated by fruit cake lovers - they make DECOY fruit cakes out of sawdust, crayons and plasticated fruit and then hand them out so that people will take a dislike to them - and you fell for it!! When real fruit cake - which is sublime - dried fruit (the real stuff) raisins, apricots, figs, currents, pinapple, cranberries is soaked in booze for days on end, and then when sufficiently imbued with alcohol, it is every so gently and lovingly folded into butter, booze, sugar, booze, flour, the merest hint of spice, and some more booze and when baked drizzled with more booze every week til such time as someone who belongs to the super secret fruit cake society (yes we've heard all the jokes) comes along for tea and cake *wink* we break out the "good" stuff and laugh - LAUGH I tell you! at all the people who hate fruit cake. Then we pat ourselves on the back (or maybe shoulders or sometimes on the arm - two slices of fruit cake and hand co-ordination goes out the window) and congratulate ourselves on a job well done.

Click to expand...

So, it's trifle in a push-up bra and a low-cut sweater?

Okay, I can get behind that, as it were. When will you and your real fruitcake be arriving at my home for the holidays?

kikazaru said:

Btw Good luck to you Jeanne - make sure you wear a push up bra to accent that V neck.

Click to expand...

I will do! Saw the recommendations from you and the others who sent me personal notes of support, and I came back home for my WonderBra. I also decided last minute to go for the micro-mini as opposed to the red velvel hotpants, and the shiny black vinyl over-the-knee boots with the 5 inch stilettos instead of pumps. Several of the male judges said they'd hold my place in line for me, once I mentioned my desired costume change, so I think I'm in good shape. So, off again -- I hear the sleighbells jingling!

While I've never been indulged with real fruit cake, it used to be a favorite back packing food with me. You never realize how bulky and weighty food is until you have to carry it dozens of miles.

Some of these "bad" ideas don't sound all that bad.

Exploding model train wrecks under the Christmas Tree.

Thanksgiving leftovers, giftwrapped.

Cremated dead pets in a festive urn.

Brucie, the Red-assed Reindeer

Amyl and the Nitrate Visitors

Achmed, the Littlest Martyr

1. Zagnuts roasting on an open fire
2. "Girls of the Big Ten" advent calendar
3. Boxing Day -- bare-knuckle
4. "Christmas Goose" whoopee cushions
5. Fat Albert as Santa Claus: "Hey, hey, hey! Ho, ho, ho!"
6. Jolly-Enhancing Botox Implants -- for the belly
7. CSI: North Pole
8. Harry Potter: Legend of the Alcoholic Pudding
9. Limited-Edition Skoal, Copenhagen and Happy Days Mint, with holly berries
10. The Twelve Days of Christmas: Hollywood Squares version

Bad snowmen

LOL

thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump, look at Frosty go....

My Favorite Christmas Story

In the spirit of Christmas traditions I would like to share my favorite Christmas story, written by David Sedaris, entitled “Six To Eight Black Men”.


A heartwarming tale of Christmas in a foreign land where, if you've been naughty, Saint Nick and his friends give you an ass-whuppin'.

http://people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/Christmas/6_to_8_black_men.txt



Cheers,
Ed

"You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me." - C.S. Lewis

Lindo said:

Brucie, the Red-assed Reindeer

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I don't know why, but this one got ahold of me -- I'm still laughing.

- Door-to-door carolling and begging for bits of cheese.

- Lighting of the Yule frog.

- Training reindeer to run over Grandma on her way home.