Please let me know what u think.

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mabwriter

FADE IN:


EXT: OUTSIDE WHALES HARBOR - NIGHT (THREE MONTHS EARLIER)

A lake is seen calmly circling the docks that border the
warehouse. The warehouse abandoned at this time of night,
doesn't exactly look like a place you would want to spend
your nights. Fishing boats align at the end of each dock,
except one. A figure stands on this dock.


CLOSE IN ON THE DOCK


A boy on the dock, GEORGE, about eighteen, leans on the dock
looking out over the water. He stands still in his graduation
wear. He seems to be pondering, not really paying attention
to his surroundings.


Another boy about the same age, ROB, who is wearing street
clothes comes behind him. George hears him walking toward
him, and turns seeing that it is Rob, his best friend, and
then turns back toward the water. Rob approaches him.


ROB
So what brings you out here?


George keeps his eyes on the water, not answering Rob. Rob
waits silently for an answer, but doesn't get one.


ROB (CONT'D)
Well?


There is another pause, but George finally speaks.


GEORGE
Nothing really, I just thought that I
needed some time to think, and I thought
this was the best place to get away.


Rob cocks his head in disbelief.


ROB
This is what you call away? This place is
three miles away? When you try to get
away, you get away, don't you? I mean you
are still in your graduation robe, and
graduation was thirty minutes ago. So
really man, truthfully what brings you
out here?

George turns to Rob.

GEORGE
Well to tell you the truth I am afraid.

Rob smiles thinking it is a joke, but then realizes George is
serious.

ROB
You're not kidding are you?

George shakes his head.

ROB (CONT'D)
Afraid of what? Getting a little drunk?
Hanging with a few women? What exactly
are you so afraid of? Because that seems
like a life to me.

GEORGE
I am afraid of what is ahead. High School
was great. I had it all, but now I am --
we are moving on. Are you not worried
about what lies ahead for the both of us?
All these years we have rode together.
Best friends till the end, remember that
creed? But now look at us! Look at the
big picture. We are now going our
separate roads, and it is a big deal man.
No more looking to each other for advice,
and no more of us having each other's
back when we are in trouble. We go from
the shell of a mere high school kid to
college.

ROB
(sarcastically)
Well thank you very much Mr. Shakespeare!

Rob begins getting upset.

ROB (CONT'D)
Yes -- I know that tonight is the last
night for fun, but why in the hell should
we allow it to go sadly. From the way I
look at it, I say we enjoy tonight, and
worry about this petty arguing and
sympathy tomorrow. But if you think for
one instance you are going to ruin my
fun, well think again man. I am not going
to stand for it, nor am I going to allow
it to happen. So with that said, I am
going to walk to my car, get in, and go
back to the party that was meant for us,
that is happening at this very moment.
That place where our family and friends
are, and then when it is all said and
done, if you still want to talk about
this ending in our lives, then we will
talk about it in the morning.

Rob pauses seeing he is not helping the situation.

ROB (CONT'D)
(jokingly)
But that is only if I don't have a
hangover.

George smiles. He turns back to the water staring out over
it. He looks, as if a plan has come to mind.

GEORGE
You're right. You are right. Tomorrow we
go our separate ways, but tonight,
tonight should last forever. And in my
heart, I believe it will. I know it will.

Rob turns and starts to walk away.

ROB
I am glad you see it my way.

Rob continues walking, but from behind him he hears a splash.
He turns back around, to see George gone. He runs to the edge
of the dock.

ROB (CONT'D)
George?

He looks down, and notices air bubbles come up through the
water.

Rob looks around panicked.

ROB (CONT'D)
GEORGE!!!

He pauses as if wondering what to do, and then climbs on the
barricade of the dock. He takes a breath and jumps in the
water.

Note: I tried everything to get it to take the format of a screenplay, but nothing worked. I plan on putting the finish script up on a website soon, and was just curious as to what you people thought of it.
 

sassenach

Way too much telling and not showing...

and screenplays are all about showing.

Your dialogue is "on the nose"...and in screenplays, that means it's too obvious. Not a good thing. And way too long--4-5 lines should be the maximum.

Your idea is good--your execution needs work. This is a diffiicult medium. Try reading screenplays--hundreds are available free online. Read books and study the craft.

PS: you can leave off the CONT'D, CLOSE IN, etc.
 

bscript

Welcome to the Insanity

Pursuing the completion of a feature-length screenplay is a huge undertaking. The dialogue is too long and on the nose and the story's being told, rather than shown. Instead of just telling you what's wrong, here's how to fix it and keep it fixed:

The first primary slug is wrong:
EXT: OUTSIDE WHALES HARBOR - NIGHT (THREE MONTHS EARLIER

EXT. and OUTSIDE are the same thing. EXT. means it's an outside shot, so you don't need both. (THREE MONTHS EARLIER) - How would an audience know this, unless you use a SUPER: 3 months earlier.

It should be: EXT. WHALES HARBOR - NIGHT

Tighten the descriptions but eliminating passive phrases and using as few 'is', 'are' and 'ing' words in sentences as possible. For example: Instead of - Bruce is a strong-minded guy, write, Bruce projects strength. Instead of Bruce is running down the road, write, Bruce runs down the road.

Your opening should capture the tone, mood and atmosphere of the entire screenplay. Considering the dark mood I'd suggest the opening description be something like:

EXT. WHALES HARBOR - NIGHT

Deathly quiet. Moonlight shimmers across a still lake. Boats scrape against the docks.

(Do you see how I gave the opening an eerie edge - something isn't quite right. Note how I did it VISUALLY w/ as few words as possible)

GEORGE, eighteen, stares across the void. He wears a graduation cap and gown. He doesn't seem to notice as ROB, a street-clad eighteen year old, struts up behind him.

(Note: I didn't indicate Rob is George's best friend because there's no way to film this. The 'best friend' part should be revealed through action/dialogue).

As for the remaining dialogue ask yourself a few questions:
1) Can you present this visually? Rob mentions 'going back to the party' Let's see the party either in flashes or open with the party - show George leave looking upset and have Rob follow.

George says, 'remember that creed?' No, I don't because I (the audience) never saw it. Use this later and show it visually.

2)If it can't be presented visually can you do it through subtext? Film talk isn't right on the nose, meaning people don't say exactly what they're thinking otherwise it would be a pscyhotherapy session instead of a film. For example: A man wants to divorce his wife, he doesn't walk in and say - 'Honey, I know this is painful for you to hear, but I want a divorce. We've been going on too long like this, it's unbearable. I want out.' Instead, when she says 'I love you.' He might reply saracastically, 'Yeah, I love you too.' This should of course be followed with actions that demonstrate he wants out (comes home late, lipstick on his collar, etc.)

3)If you have to present information through dialogue can you give it a twist? If a man's frustrated w/ trying to convey to a woman he loves her he might blurt out, 'I really hate you.' She'll scream back, 'I hate you too.' Then they passionately kiss. A bit cliche, but you get the point.

If you ask yourself these question about the dialogue, keep it 4 lines or under, you'll be fine. This also forces you to 'show' your story = a screenplay.

Hope this helps. Good luck w/ your story.
 

bscript

Mabwriter

I've generalized above, but keep in mind dialogue/scenes must contain conflict and move the story forward or they serve no purpose. Sometimes dialogue will have to be said directly to convey information that can't be revealed any other way - but give it voice, attitude, irony, suspense and you'll liven it up.
 

mammamaia

most of the advice is 'on the nose'...

...so i won't add any more, except to suggest that this isn't near ready to post yet... following the advice given will surely help...

but, if you don't mind [and don't think i'm poking fun, 'cause i'm seriously curious]... i'd just like to know how a lake can circle a dock... was that a typo?

this could be an effective and moving short... if you'd like some help whipping it into shape, you can contact me at: [email protected]

love and hugs, maia
 

mabwriter

Re: most of the advice is 'on the nose'...

It is a full length screenplay, i just posted the beginning, but after take the notes, I have started a new draft, and here is the above scene rewritten. Please let me know if it is better, worse, and any more advice. And thank you to all for the help.



EXT. WHALES HARBOR -NIGHT


The harbor, unused for quite some time, looks almost in
ruins.


The calm lake glistens in the moonlight. Boats align the
docks. Moss outlines each boat.


On a dock, a boy about eighteen, stands. He wears a
graduation robe, and seems to be in deep thought.


The sound of an engine roars in the background. It turns off,
and a door shuts. Footsteps are heard coming up behind the
boy.


Another boy, ROB, the same age, wearing street clothes, walks
calmly. His hands rest in his pockets, and he stops a few
feet behind the other.


The boy slowly turns. When he notices Rob, he turns back to
the water.


ROB
George, why did you bolt the way
you did?


George says nothing for a moment.


ROB
You didn't have to leave like that.


George turns around. He leans against the dock, his elbows
propped up.


GEORGE
I left cause I could.


ROB
You were always the smart ass.


George sighs, and turns back around facing the water.


GEORGE
You always did ask a lot of
questions.


Rob walks up beside George and leans on the dock.


ROB
You're not going to talk are you?


George smiles, and turns to Rob.


GEORGE
I'll talk, when there is something
worth talking about.


Rob stands. Realizing he will have to do alot, to get George
to talk.

ROB
Okay, well I am going to go meet up
with my family and friends. I'll
see you later.

Rob turns and begins walking away.

GEORGE
Wait.

Rob stops. He turns back, and walks toward George, again
stopping within a few feet.

George turns back around. He let's out a deep sigh, preparing
for a speech.

GEORGE
You're going to laugh.

Rob shrugs.

ROB
Try me.

George pauses for a moment.

GEORGE
Okay man. Truthfully, I am afraid.

Rob studies George.

ROB
Afraid of what?

George looks as if he cannot believe what Rob is saying.

GEORGE
Afraid of what? Are you kidding me?

Rob looks confused. He just shakes his head.

ROB
Am I kidding you? Man, you are
being childish

George clearly upset turns back to his original position.

GEORGE
Forget it man. I told you, you
would not understand.

Rob walks up to George. He places a hand on George's
shoulder.

ROB
Look --

George turns, pushing Rob's arm off with force.

GEORGE
No, you look. Do you not understand
what I am getting at?

George waits for some type of response, but Rob has none.

GEORGE
Oh my God, you don't. You are
clueless.

Rob does not understand none of what goes on in front of him.

ROB
No man, you're clueless. I am not
going to stand here, and let you
berate me.

Rob throws his hands at George.

ROB
I'm out of here. When you get some
common sense, you can come too.

George looks furious.

GEORGE
Screw you man. Screw you.

Rob shakes his head.

ROB
No screw you. You need to grow up.

George is angry.

GEORGE
I am grown, but your mind isn't.

Rob turns and begins walking away.

ROB
How did I pick you as a best
friend?

Rob stops in mid step.

ROB
When you come to your senses, then
we'll talk.

Rob begins walking again, but hears a splash. He stops.

He gets a look of thought across his face, and turns. George
is gone.

Rob runs back to the end of the dock. He looks over, and
notices air bubbles come up.

Rob appears panicked.

ROB
HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME.

Seeing no one around, Rob steps up on the dock. He hesitates at first, but then jumps in.

Moments later, he resurfaces, George in his arm. He begins to
swim to shore.
 

Hamboogul

Re: Mabwriter

Very nicely done. Best of luck with this script and with all of your future endeavors.
 
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