New guy here. Can ya tell me if I'm any good????

Just curious to see what others say about my writing style. This scene was made up as an example but I'd like any and all feedback, do your worst.


EXT. DINE HERE RESTAURANT – LOT – NIGHT

Light rain turns to pouring and after hammering the lighted store name, a few letters begin to die out. It changes to-

DI E HERE

- illuminating itself in blood red.

INT. PHONE BOOTH – SAME LOT – SECONDS LATER

As the rain slides down the out-side glass, the in-side is tapped nervously by someone’s thumb.

TAP...TAP, TAP, TAP!

NERVOUS MALE
Come on...answer LAURA.

He looks around, void spaces, sees only two cars and one is spinning away quickly.

His leg begins mimicking his thumb’s nervousness.

TAP...TAP, TAP! - THUMP...THUMP, THUMP!

NERVOUS MALE
Hey LAURA, it’s me RICK...Y.
(looks ahead)
Oh @#%$.
* * * * * * * *
SILENCE – even the rain seems to stop.

His eyes are frightened and fixed on the windshield of the remaining car. The “new” sign is reflecting from it.

- OUTSIDE BOOTH

A patch of dark clouds roll over head, his hand still flat against the glass, he looks up...terrified.

KABOOOOOMMMM!!!!

A bolt of lighting strikes the metal box, sparks bouncing onto the wet pavement.

The store light flickers again, it changes back to normal.

- REMAINING CAR - SECONDS LATER

Smoke rises above to laughing teenage boys.

TEENAGER BOY 1
Hey, MARK. Please tell me you saw that?


MARK “J” JIMMERSON, pot head/star athlete. He’s usually high, which makes him a very slow speaker and stupid to boot.

MARK
(passes a pipe)* * * *
Yeah...he’s fried.

TEENAGER BOY 1
So am I! But - should we help him?
(rejects the offer)
Nah, I’m aight.

MARK
Come on TERRY. We can’t smoke it at your
house. Your dad’ll want some too.

TERRY “BUD” BANES, another pot head/jock. Terry’s occasionally high but thinks clearer when he is.

TERRY
No, he bought an ounce earlier...
(rolls window down)
Yo, John, get your electric ass in
here man.

John gets in the car, his eyes lighting up, hair singed.

MARK
@#%$, then lets go to your house.

TERRY
Fine by me.
(to John)
What about you.

JOHN
Dude, I don’t care. I...I just wanna go.
I hate being high when it’s storming.* * * * * * * *




The tab settings didn't come through right so I left aligned it, but I know the settings.

I have two questions I'd like answered by anyone.

1) Do I intro. the characters correctly? i.e. Not saying their names until their made known somehow, and if no name is ever given just stick with the name description.

2) Are my descriptions lame or fair for someone who has never taken classes or attended seminars? I've studied on the Internet for about a year and a half; reading scripts, message boards, writing web sites and articles. I’ve been taking in every tip or teaching from everyone I respect (and those I don't but are still great) and then forming it all to fit me.

Thanks everyone and take care,
D.S.

~Just my opinion~

Hi. I haven't attempted writing a script, so I'm afraid I can't give a good answer to your questions. But, I just wanted to let you know I found it interesting. You held my attention and I kept reading to see what would be happening next.

not bad, but needs help...

...it's too involved to deal with here, due to formatting and other probs, so if you want a critical read of your work, you can contact me at: [email protected]

i mentor a lot of aspiring screenwriters and the only caveat is that i won't help with work that has violent content...

love and hugs, maia

Screnplays are visual

Don't put ANYTHING in your script that cannot been seen or said. For example, $#@%#%# is not dialogue. Check out a good basic book like "The Screenwriter's Bible" byt Trottier.

Re: Screnplays are visual

Yeah, I know about the only putting what can be seen or said. The ^%&#( was due to swearing, (a)se and (s)hit was the two that got edited automatically.

Overall it's not bad. One thing I tell everyone so take no offense is take out the blasted (Parenthetical directions). It should be used when it's pertinent, in your case almost all of it should be action in some way or another. (To Someone) should never be used unless there's so many characters and flow of conversation is confusing, in yours it's easy to assume who it's directed to. Some moments it gets a bit descriptive but it's not overdone so no big deal. As for not revealing the names, not in this case unless you wanted to cause some sort of mystery and not showing the face for a few minutes. Also avoid sound effects, no need unless the sound ties into something relevant. - OUTSIDE BOOTH and - REMAINING CAR - SECONDS LATER should be removed or changed at least for the 2nd one if it's inside the car.

Thanks, I should have remembered that when I went to an INT. of the car remaining it should have been a new slug line.

The character name is the part I was confused about the most. I know this isn't the "actual" movie but...why give info before it's seen or said?

I just thought it went like this. You think of any movie you've ever seen and with the exception of it being a "true life story”, we never know the character names until someone says it or it’s shown somehow.

Just thought it would roll more like a movie if you didn't give the names out of the blue but waited ‘till it was needed.

i understand your thinking about the names in the movie, but this isn't a movie its a script that the director and actyors are going to read not an audience, so you dont write suspense as you would when writing a book.

It took me a moment to realize the nervous guy was john, at first I thought the teens were laughing at a dead guy. John becomes relavent the moment he appears on the screen so identifing him only makes it easer for the people you want to buy your script understand what is going on.

another option is to clarify that John is struck by lightening rather then the car, when we hear the kaboom, its a brief misunderstanding but a critiquer would probably say the same thing.

other than those 2 items I think its good, it does capture the readers attention

very well-written. rock on!

I like the use of dashes. Very Phillipesque.