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DreamWorks
12-03-2006, 07:28 AM
2nd thought, will post this again when someone gives my other one a crit. Please crit WE NEVER CALLED IT LOVE! thanks :)

DreamWorks
12-04-2006, 05:01 AM
[SIZE="3"][SIZE=2]Another corny love song? Please tell me... I don't know


VERSE1
you told me once I'm not too bright
but i think this time i could be right

2
i wanna know why you would love me so
how could you go so incredibly low?

3
you know I question your love cause I'm scared
You hurt me last time - or haven't you heard?

CHORUS
you take more than you can give
and though so tempting to forgive
somehow I still want to believe you
but now i think I better leave you


* SONG COULD END HERE!!

VERSE1
Now that you're gone you're out of sight
Darkness is drifting through the night

2
I wish that you would leave my mind
I wish that love was truly blind

3
Visions of you keep me awake all night
knowing you want me still... so hard to take it light
But...

CHORUS
I long for one who never was
you but without your many flaws
holding me closer than you ever
saying I am your love forever

jbal
12-04-2006, 11:17 PM
This reminds me of something by the Gin Blossoms, who are IMO the masters of this sort of song.
"At 29 you'd think I'd know better, livin' like a kid
But when my lies may seem less than clever is when I fall for it"
or
"The last horizons I can see are filled with bars and factories...I'll drink enough of anything to make this world/girl/myself look new again..."
or
"Gin mills, rainfall, what do you remember if at all? Only pieces of the night."
Cool stuff, right?
That's what this one reminded me of, and when I got home yesterday I had to go listen to some Gin Blossoms.
I like this one a lot better than the other one from yesterday, and I still have to loiok at the one you posted today. I looked over it, it looked good, so I'll check it out later.
Again, my only qualms here are that it seems forced to rhyme, which really isn't necessary, and that there's nothing here I can personally relate to. Nothing that puts me in that frame of mind in other words. Someone listening to this needs to hear something that sounds like themselves or that they can at least say "I've been there...", and this doesn't seem specific enough to grab people that way. I hear songs on the radio all the time that could be about anything and say nothing and it irks me. But hey, it sells records I guess. Not that this song is like that, but for me at least a little detail could make this more accessible. Hope this helps.

WildScribe
12-04-2006, 11:20 PM
I've got to agree with Jbal, especially on the forced rhymes. Much better than yesterday, though!

DreamWorks
12-05-2006, 08:15 AM
jbal, yes. definitely cool stuff. thank you so much for sharing. I am going to look them up and listen and hopefully learn.
and i will let your wise advice on the song sink in
thanks alot

Scarlett_156
12-05-2006, 08:26 AM
Instead of the "how could you go so incredibly low" line, maybe something like, "you set your standards unbelievably low", somethin like that. Try to think of it as each line should have some kinda surprise in it, right?

Also I'm having a problem with the "darkness drifting through the night" phrase-- huh? Maybe darkness can drift through the LIGHT (of day) but how can it drift through the NIGHT?

Otherwise I agree with the others-- better. Keep up the good work.