WE NEVER CALLED IT LOVE

Dreamworks- I may not be qualified to crit this sort of thing, as it's not at all what I write or listen to. What genre does it fall in? Sounds like country or just a ballad perhaps?
In any case-love, dove, yes corny. Not too many words that rhyme with love though, so perhaps rearrange the lines if it has to rhyme. Also staring at the stars and velvet hair strike me as trite. A song doesn't have to end with chorus, but traditional formula is verse-(or often two verses at the beginning)-chorus-verse-chorus-bridge-chorus-chorus-out. Last chorus is optional, or you may modulate it up a half step or something.

Beyond that I'll just say this: I don't write songs about love or relationships as a rule. It's pretty well trodden territory in my mind, and there are so many good ones on the subject that I don't see why I should bother. Here's a method of which I like the results. I've been doing this quite a bit. When I sit down to write, I focus on the subject at hand and brainstorm, trying to write down any images that come to my mind, especially those that seem to carry emotional weight. Depending on the length of the song, I try to get a page or two of just random thoughts, then distill that into lyrics. I have no idea whether this would work for you, but I like it. Here is one verse resulting from this method:
The average of zeroes demystifies
crippling I'm drowning in your tides
The rapture the infinite provides
insatiable will to just survive
the pummeling embrace intensifies
and I find the light-illumified
(from a song called "Group Hug")
This is on the more ethereal side where my own lyrics are concerned.

Again, I really don't feel qualified to critique this-mostly what I write is either hip hop or metal, which will be lyrically quite different from what you have here, so please take any criticism I offer as what it is- I have no aspiration of writing songs for mass consumption, and what I write is purely for my own enjoyment.

The main thing I will point out to you here is that there are a lot of people writing songs which are similar to this, and you definitely need a hook to make it stand out. Lyrically I mean. You want it to offer something different- a unique take on your subject that the audience doesn't get anywhere else. I don't see that here. Hope this helps.
BTW I read the other one as well when it was up. Liked that one better, but I would have to read it again to offer specific insight to the degree that I can give it at all.

I hope I didn't sound discouraging in that other post. I thought I'd pop back in to post lyrics to a love song I really like- Pet Name by They Might Be Giants

You gave me a pet nam, which is not to say I liked it
we met at a party, not to say I was invited
you said love was just a lie, but I could tell that you were lying
and we've almost figured out how we'll get along
and given time we'll find it strange to be alone

(end of song)
you just forgot your one pet name for me, and all those promises you said you'd keep
and it's a lucky thing because that sentimental stuff doesn't suit you at all.


I like pretty off the wall stuff, and I write material which is destined for commercial failure. In fact, it's been almost ten years since I even attempted to make any money writing songs. So please don't listen to me.

DreamWorks said:

We Never Called It Love

VERSE1
We never called it love
Not as we stared into the skies above
you held my hand and we counted doves *(too corny for words, right?)

Click to expand...

'Fraid so. As a poet, I am begging you not to rhyme "love" and "dove". PLEASE! There are a limited number of words that rhyme with love, and they are extremely predictable. If possible, end lines with another word.

but we never called it love

VERSE2
I never told you that I care
Not when I softly stroked your velvet hair
and who'd have thought you'd have to tear
my heart in two each time you went somewhere?

CHORUS1
you often asked me why I sit and stare
And even though I said it's not Because I care
I do for you I care for you
i couldn't speak... because i wouldn't dare

CHORUS2
and now you tell me that it wasn't real
my fears were true but i still feel the way I feel
I wanted you, I haunted you
well, when you go just know that I'll appeal...

VERSE1
i know We never called it love
Not as we stared into the stars above
and as we played that lovers game of push and shove
well... perhaps it wasn't love

VERSE3
I never know when not to care
And if I did I'd never feel despair
but what could I do (dear), I wanted you (near)
I guess a little more than you could bear

** Or should I end with another Chorus. Should songs end with Chorus? Should this be a little longer?

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Yes, a final chorus would be appropirate here, perhaps with a repetition following. Hope I've helped!

It comes off kinda dry. There is no one compelling image that drives the song, it seems more an exercise in rhyming. "Velvet" is not a good way to describe someone's hair, it kind of draws one's attention in the wrong direction. I think that instead of working/reworking this song to death, you should do the exercise of writing a song every day-- just write songs about anything, just for practice, right? Even if they sound corny or derivative-- or like something you just heard on the radio-- sooner or later you'll start to get the hang of it and your songs will have more of a hook to them.

A couple of comments. "Gay" in the US is associated with homosexuals, and maybe in the UK as well, I don't know. The new verse takes it in a darker direction for sure, but I'm still bothered by the rhyme scheme I think. The dope thing makes it seem cheesy. If you have a good melody and such, you may want to ask yourself: "does this really need to rhyme?" Maybe when you start writing, write it first without rhymes, and add them just at the end of verses, or where it seems appropriate, but don't overdo it.

Also, Wildscribe and myself both mentioned above the lack of rhymes for "love". You took out "dove", which is an improvement. In fact, in Romeo and Juliet there is a line where (I think this is right) Mercutio is concerned about Romeo and he says something to the effect of "Pronounce but love and dove...", indicating that that was considered a pretty cheesy rhyme hundreds of years ago. I'd still try to rearrange the line so that love isn't the last word, or just drop the rhymes completely. It's pretty liberating.

I agree. Cheesy, but one of my all time favorite bands, if not the fave.
Isn't it about six in the morning there? You're up early.

A few Suggestions

We never called it love Never call it love
But I know thats what we were thinking of that's what we were thinking of
I felt it clearer than the skies above clearer than the skies above
although we never called it love we never called it love

I never told you that I care,

never said that I cared​

Although i'd often stroke your yellow hair I stroked your yellow hair
And everywhere we went, well we made quite a pair we were quite a pair
We'd mess around and dare them all to stare let them stare

But as they say my love has flown away My love has flown away
And every day that passes I become less gay with each passing day I say
The thought of you, the God of youth thoughts of you, god of youth
Gone, like sunshine on a cloudy day

You were a child of love, a child of hope
You chose to end it all by hanging from a rope
A crying shame, the dying game
And I just wish i hadn't been a dope

We never called it love
But I know thats what we were thinking of
I felt it clearer than the skies above
Although we never called it love[/QUOTE]

I would never call anything melodramatic or trite.

... can't help but wonder if you are correcting the icing when you wouldn't actually eat the cake, know what I mean No I don't.

I left your ending alone, because as Argo recently said to me: It looked like hallowed ground.

Just as in poetry, the art of writing lyrics is simplicity, syntax, and meter.




Mike

Sorry, DW. Yes, I liked the lyrics very much. That's why I was happy to help.




Mike

DreamWorks said:

We never called it love
But I know thats what we were thinking of
Your eyes shone clearer than the skies above
And I know that it was love

I never told you that I care,
I felt it deeply but I didn't dare
A pair of butterflies, we floated through the air,
and if I spoke I felt your wings might tear (and) I didn't speak for fear your wings might tear

An angel never stays for very long
An angel touches deep and leaves behind a song
You are my youth you are my truth
The only thing I did that wasn't wrong

I wish I could turn back the wheels of time
I'd start my life and do it over line by line
Undo my sins, undo my crimes
But first I'd tell you, you my love, are mine

We never called it love
But I know thats what we were thinking of
Your eyes shone clearer than the skies above
And I know that it was love

Click to expand...

This is improving quite a bit. Awsome integration of the suggestions. (Sorry for the mass typos, my hands are numb and my typing is suffering)

I like this even better. The bookending of the opening stanza works very well.

I guess a lot of writers fall in love with their darlings (words).

Less is more. You'll see.

I liked this very much. Make me love it.




Mike

Now I'm infatuated. Love is at the door. I'll answer if your writing is my paramour.

Remember. Less is more.

When you write more words, less is said.

You're almost there.




Mike