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MoostorBay

Heya guys. My name is Bailey, and it looks like a really cool board over here. I'm an actress, but I started writing a screenplay back in April on the subway to and from school in a specially designated notebook. This summer, I bought Final Draft off of EBay and have 51 pages typed and completed. It's called Homeage, and I would appreciate any feedback on this small snippet. Thank you! And I swear it's formatted correctly, just the character headings and dialogues are not when I copied it and pasted it.

INT. LAURA'S LIVING ROOM - MANHATTAN - LATER
Laura, red wine in hand, stands at the wall sized window, looking out at the endless city. It is sundown now, and it all seems quite noir as Clif sits on one of the many leather couches in the room full of glass tables and plasma screens. He too, has wine, and as Laura sits down quietly next to him- their faces become merely centimeters away from each other's. Almost touching- but not quite.
LAURA
What ever happened to your job?
CLIF
Which one?
LAURA
Your latest. What was it?
CLIF
I worked security over at JFK.
LAURA
Then what?
Their voices are low, but hardly whispers.
CLIF
Then...
He trails off.
CLIF (CONT'D)
then-I was told to get myself straightened out .
He searches for a response. She has none.
CLIF (CONT'D)
And I was told to come back when I did.
There's a long pause. Laura brushes the hair out of Clif's eyes.
LAURA
Are you?
CLIF
What?
LAURA
Straightened out?
Another cautious pause.
CLIF
No.
They sit their with their wine glasses. Still so close, yet so stagnant and so quiet. The phone rings. Once. Twice. They sit there, their connection unbroken. Then- three times.
LAURA
Lemme get that.
She scrambles up from the couch, leaving Clif there, sunken into it. He takes a sip of wine, sets it down, and walks over to the window where the city lays out as a playground drenched in pinkish light. Clif slowly puts his hands up and presses his temple to the glass much like a child does in an aquarium. This brings us to-
FLASHBACK:
INT. JULIA'S APARTMENT - MANHATTAN, 1984 - 3:45 AM
We are in the B&W world again but now we are in Julia's large loft-like place. The furniture is spare and there aren't any clearly defined separate rooms. A couple of mattresses, a mini fridge, a beat up couch, and a radio all sit on the floor. We are in the room, but far from the entrance where Julia is leading the young Clif, still drinking, in. She drops his hand and grandly spins around.
JULIA
This is my lavish home.
She laughs, grabbing his hand back up, and begins walking through the apartment, showing off its few attributes.
JULIA (CONT'D)
Radio, couch.....
She trails off as she looks at him, now tipping his bottle upside down and inspecting the empty contents. Giggling, she takes the bottle away, and throws it on the couch. She then places his hands on her hips, and tilts her head to the mattress area.
JULIA (CONT'D)
...mattresses
As she backs slowly onto the dingy twin size with Clif still attached-
LAURA (O.S.)
Clif?
A pause. There are footsteps.
LAURA (CONT'D)
Clif?
INT. LAURA'S LIVING ROOM - MANHATTAN - NIGHT
Clif is still in the aquarium position, taking a moment to readjust, then standing straight up rubbing his eyes with his hands furiously. Then, looking at the piece of glass he just occupied, he slowly takes his sleeve and begins to wipe off his smudge marks. In the freshly cleaned glass, he sees a woman who he believes to be Julia. Turning around quickly, Laura stands in front of him putting an earring on.
LAURA
You okay?
CLIF
Uh... yeah.
He looks around, regaining his senses.
LAURA
We forgot Evan. He's still at my ex-mother-in-law's.
He stares at her.
LAURA (CONT'D)
The one I got the plant for. Son's an @#%$, but she's a nice lady.
Clif stands, making no indication of leaving.
LAURA (CONT'D)
C'mon.
She walks toward the front door, and Clif follows- still looking back at the sprawling window where his memories were so easily accessible.
 

writerscut

I didn't read it but this might be more appropriate on the Share you Work Board...you might want to move it over there, or I assume Ms. Jenna will...
 

MoostorBay

Oh..

Sorry about that. I assumed this was the right section as I had seen other people's work posted here. :b Silly me. lol .
 

writerscut

Re: Oh..

No offense, just trying to help before it's moved and you wonder what's going on!
 

MoostorBay

Re: Oh..

I'm sorry if I came off as sarcastic or something. I really do appreciate you telling me, but it hasn't moved yet... maybe I'll just start a post in the other section. Thanks again. :hug
 

dpaterso

To preserve your formatting, try saving as ascii text with layout (or whatever the FD equivalent is), then edit this saved plain text file using Notepad or similar and copy/paste into your message from there instead.

For what it's worth, I thought your sample had a novelesque feel about it -- sometimes it takes too many words to say things that don't really translate into actions. Just as one tiny example:

She walks toward the front door, and Clif follows- still looking back at the sprawling window where his memories were so easily accessible.

Just for fun's sake consider:

She walks to the front door. Clif follows her, and looks back at the window.

...you don't need to include the sprawling window description, you already told us it's wall-sized, and you don't need to include "where his memories were so easily accessible" -- we can figure this out for ourselves, having seen Clif's flashback. Just the facts, ma'am. ;) Apply throughout. "Action" means visual action, not inner thoughts which the camera can't pick up.

Shrug, my humble opinion, feel free to ignore me.

-Derek
-----------------------​
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies.
 
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