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Bartholomew
11-25-2006, 09:58 AM
I am eating generic rice crispies out of the measuring cup, because every other dish in the house is dirty.

I could cook, but it would require removing the turkey-husk (as well as the blackened, brackish, lump behind it) from the oven, not to mention remove the pots of festering side dishes from the stove-top.

There might be something microwavable in the freezer--but the freezer is frozen shut, and I will not chisel it open until a true emergency--such as Ice Cream being brought into the house.

The expensive leather couch and matching chair are both covered in ratty bed sheets-rather than bother cleaning, I can run these through the washer once a year, guilt free.

The bathroom paper sits in its packages atop piles of clean, but semi-folded towels, all handily next to the toilet.

The soap on the sink is glued to the soap-dish by years of its ancestor's accumulated gunk. (It's soap--it's clean, right?)

I have conversations with the mildew in my shower. (They're/It's reading Tolstoy at the moment.)

My cat does battle with critters not yet identified by science, all of which seem to come from my vents.

The computer might be on a desk; or it might be on an array of carefully stacked rubble. I cannot tell anymore.

My apartment does not have rooms. It has tunnels. The safe ways are marked by dirty laundry; the cave-in areas are marked by discarded soda bottles and cans. I do not have a parrot because its a good pet; I have a parrot to test the O2 before I enter any given room.

Other men accept this as they step into what Tolkein described as a wet hole, with moist walls filled with the ends of worms.

But if a woman announces that she desires to call upon me, the place will be immaculate before she arrives, and return to the status quo ten minutes after her departure.

I am bachelor. Hear me roar.

KiwiChick
11-25-2006, 10:15 AM
I am eating generic rice crispies out of the measuring cup, because every other dish in the house is dirty.

I could cook, but it would require removing the turkey-husk (as well as the blackened, brackish, lump behind it) from the oven, not to mention remove the pots of festering side dishes from the stove-top.

There might be something microwavable in the freezer--but the freezer is frozen shut, and I will not chisel it open until a true emergency--such as Ice Cream being brought into the house.

The expensive leather couch and matching chair are both covered in ratty bed sheets-rather than bother cleaning, I can run these through the washer once a year, guilt free.

The bathroom paper sits in its packages atop piles of clean, but semi-folded towels, all handily next to the toilet.

The soap on the sink is glued to the soap-dish by years of its ancestor's accumulated gunk. (It's soap--it's clean, right?)

I have conversations with the mildew in my shower. (They're/It's reading Tolstoy at the moment.)

My cat does battle with critters not yet identified by science, all of which seem to come from my vents.

The computer might be on a desk; or it might be on an array of carefully stacked rubble. I cannot tell anymore.

I'm married, and I'm a chick, but same deal. Except the measuring cup is dirty too.

Bartholomew
11-25-2006, 10:17 AM
I'm married, and I'm a chick, but same deal. Except the measuring cup is dirty too.

Do you have an ashtray full of used prophylactics?

I do. :)

KiwiChick
11-25-2006, 10:20 AM
Do you have an ashtray full of used prophylactics?

I do. :)

No, but please wear shoes in the kitchen or you're likely to be sueing me very soon.

Bartholomew
11-25-2006, 10:27 AM
No, but please wear shoes in the kitchen or you're likely to be sueing me very soon.

I hear ya there. Is it glass, ancient eggshells, or a mixture?

Mine's mostly busted glass and stuff. There are probably poisonous bugs, too, but I don't know.

KiwiChick
11-25-2006, 10:31 AM
I hear ya there. Is it glass, ancient eggshells, or a mixture?

Mine's mostly busted glass and stuff. There are probably poisonous bugs, too, but I don't know.

I don't want to look too closely, but I know some's cat litter.

Bartholomew
11-25-2006, 10:33 AM
I don't want to look too closely, but I know some's cat litter.

You actually change your cat litter?

Weak.

MacAllister
11-25-2006, 10:53 AM
ewww, okay?

Just eww.

I'm a metro-sexual sort of a bachelorette, I think. My house is clean and warm and insanely comfortable, and there are numerous yummy things to eat, and my computer sits on an oak roll-top with mellow golden light falling from the wrought-iron lamp...

Birol
11-25-2006, 11:07 AM
Mac: Freak.

Bartholomew, you realize you have the seed of an article here, don't you?

Bartholomew
11-25-2006, 11:08 AM
I'm a metro-sexual sort of a bachelorette, I think. My house is clean and warm and insanely comfortable, and there are numerous yummy things to eat, and my computer sits on an oak roll-top with mellow golden light falling from the wrought-iron lamp...

In a hole in the ground there lived a MacAllister. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a MacAllister-hole, and that means comfort.

Bartholomew
11-25-2006, 11:10 AM
Mac: Freak.

Bartholomew, you realize you have the seed of an article here, don't you?

Yes, I do, and now I'm contemplating how to expand it.

And who I'd sell it to.

MacAllister
11-25-2006, 11:20 AM
A fair bet Martha Stewart, Living doesn't want it...

Bartholomew
11-25-2006, 11:22 AM
A fair bet Martha Stewart, Living doesn't want it...

...and WOW did that rejection come back in a hurry!

CACTUSWENDY
11-25-2006, 12:30 PM
:flag: I am soooo gagged out. (Interesting reading)

I met a man/guy one time that did live very much like that...sigh.

(How do I get this picture out of my mind now.........?)

TsukiRyoko
11-25-2006, 01:07 PM
Sounds like the life-sized version of my room, only substituting most of the dirty dishes for books (it's like a book shelf exploded after reproducing like a rabbit. I'm not sure where half of them even came from). I say "most" because there is a 3 foot oddly shaped pile of fuzz in one of the corners, which only I could realize as a stack of dirty dishes.

Here's an easy trick to help keep things clean- move out and start over. :D

billythrilly7th
11-25-2006, 01:11 PM
nasty, dirty, wet hole

http://www.kamworld.net/chris/images/Butthead.jpg

"You said 'nasty, dirty, wet hole.' Uhh...Huh huh huh.'"

alices
11-25-2006, 03:21 PM
ewww, okay?

Just eww.

I'm a metro-sexual sort of a bachelorette, I think. My house is clean and warm and insanely comfortable, and there are numerous yummy things to eat, and my computer sits on an oak roll-top with mellow golden light falling from the wrought-iron lamp...
Really dumb question – Heterosexual, homosexual, bi-sexual I understand, what is metro-sexual? Does it have anything to do with “sex in the city”, or some kinky fascination involving buses and trains? :D

MacAllister
11-25-2006, 03:42 PM
metro-sexual is a term for straight guys who could pass for queer - they dress well, they cook, they live well, etc. It's typically associated with youngish urban men.

alices
11-25-2006, 03:48 PM
metro-sexual is a term for straight guys who could pass for queer - they dress well, they cook, they live well, etc. It's typically associated with youngish urban men.
Disregarding your use of the term “queer”, I thought you were a woman? :Shrug:

MacAllister
11-25-2006, 03:55 PM
I am. Which is why I said "bachelorette." But I'm queer, so could reasonably get away with being messier and more blue-collar and well, just more butch in general. :)

See...now even I'm getting confused.

alices
11-25-2006, 04:03 PM
Well I am a lesbian, but I don’t consider myself “queer”, although the term is often hurled in my direction. Weird huh? ;)

MacAllister
11-25-2006, 04:06 PM
It might be a generational thing, actually. It's the preferred and PC term, for most of the community I'm familiar with over about 30. :)

kikazaru
11-25-2006, 06:00 PM
Ok, I'm not a neat freak, in fact one could say that I live in a state of constant cluttered chaos, however I live with 3 other people and a dog - not one of whom picks up after themselves. Cleaning up around here is like attempting to bail the Titanic with a spoon, and sometimes when the mess gets me down I turn on "How Clean is Your House" where two British cleaning ladies wade into the filthiest hovels imaginable that are inhabited by seemingly sane people, and work miracles. After seeing them chisel YEARS of hardened feces from toilets, lift pots crawling with cockroaches and take out garbage that is a writhing mass of maggots, well let's just say I feel soo much better about the mess that is my house. Now I can do one better, instead of looking about for that program, I can just read your OP - and that feeling of smug superiority will be mine in moments.

Btw your mom phoned, she said she's going to visit you for a couple of weeks and she'll be there in an hour....

robeiae
11-25-2006, 06:13 PM
I am bachelor.
I can't imagine why...

:D



I am not a bachelor.

I cook, clean, and do the laundry for my wife, two kids, two dogs, and one tortoise.

I have to reload the dishwasher every time my wife lods it, because she doesn't utilize the space effectively.

All my cleaning supplies are carefully organized under the kitchen sink, and not a week goes buy that I don't run out of one thing or another.

I wash my shower curtains every week.

There are always snacks about, healthy and otherwise. My wife enjoys baking goodies with the kids and I must have bananas available at all times.

There are usually leftovers from meals, which get stored in the fridge. If they go uneatened for a week, I toss them. But I usually complain about it loudly, so everyone tends to eat leftovers when I suggest it.

I have a seperate cabinet in my laundry room for bath tissue, Kleenex, and paper towels.

I give my dogs flaxseed oil to control their shedding and keep their coats shiny.

The tortoise is the real problem...

Ol' Fashioned Girl
11-25-2006, 06:30 PM
How much laundry does a tortoise generate? :)

Carole
11-25-2006, 07:14 PM
Ok, Bartholomew. We need to talk before the hygiene police arrest you, but I can only wrap my mind around a few things at a time.

If your bath towels are close to the toilet, you are drying your body with dried pee particles every time you shower. If you buy a little spray bottle, you can fill it half & half with bleach & water. Spray down the entire shower (including the shower curtain) in the morning, close the door so that kitty doesn't suffocate, and then in the evening turn on the shower with the curtain closed to rinse it down. No more mildew. Really easy.

Come over to the light side, dude.

A. Hamilton
11-25-2006, 07:16 PM
I walked into a bachelor apt. recently and was overwhelmed by a stench. The place appeared clean, on first glance, since the occupants had scrambled in anticipation of my company . So I went sniffing through the place, nose twitching, until I hit the bathroom. Again, clean on first glance, so why did the urine smell overwhelm me? It was the rugs! Wall to wall bathroom throw rugs that had not been washed in months? years?? In an apt full of guys whose aim needs improvement.
And didn't I see one of those towels on the floor last time I was here..the one that is now hanging up? (and I know these people have not done laundry since).Who is rubbing their hands on that? or worse yet, their face??
Bachelors, the laundrymat is your friend.

Carole
11-25-2006, 07:29 PM
Contractor bags. Also your friend. They aren't your ordinary trash bags. You can find them at Home Depot and Lowes. Guys like those stores, right? They're twice as big as lawn and garden bags and they're super-tough so you can stuff them with things like pizza boxes and they won't rip. They'll serve a multitude of purposes.

If you stuff contractor bags with the dirty laundry, first off it will be out of the way. Second, it will be handy to take to the laundromat. If you take it ALL to the laundromat with a couple of rolls of quarters and then take over a bunch of washing machines, it will all be done at the same time - in about an hour 1/2. Imagine that!

Contractor bags are also great for the food issues. You can dump all the bacteria-bubbling food into the bags and they won't leak. Then open the fridge and dump all the outdated stuff from there into the bags, too.

Contractor bags are your friend.

Rolling Thunder
11-25-2006, 07:44 PM
**smiles at Bart's post, then, whistles for sock**

"Good boys! That's it, make your way across the room on your own. Guess what? We're going out again, today!":D

DamaNegra
11-25-2006, 07:55 PM
I can only tolerate a certain amount of mess before I snap and leave everything sparkling clean of my own accord. Yes, I'm half-weird :D

tjwriter
11-25-2006, 08:23 PM
I have to reload the dishwasher every time my wife lods it, because she doesn't utilize the space effectively.

Your spouse does this too?

Only I don't reload because, well, he's doing something, and I don't want him to get offended.

It's hard enough to get some help around here, and I need to get cleaning.

TrainofThought
11-25-2006, 08:30 PM
I am bachelor. Hear me roar.My bachelorette pad is the opposite of your bachelor pad. I am anal and compulsive. Everything has to be in its place - disorder and clutter DRIVE ME NUTS. I have Christmas Eve at my place and I am tense the whole time worried someone will move something to another area or spill. My body aches by the time they leave.

People don’t like coming over because of my obsessions (it’s nice). I clean coasters before the guests are even gone and I have indoor and outdoor clothes. I'm not sure what happened, because I was a total slob when I was young.

Carole
11-25-2006, 08:48 PM
I am clean. My sister is compulsive. I don't think I have ever seen dust anywhere in her house. No kidding. Her house is always warm and inviting, though.

rekirts
11-25-2006, 08:58 PM
My son's apartment is much like Bartholomew's and my son doesn't bother to clean up for his mother. Today, however, he is having a bunch of friends over and is apparently cleaning up. Since it is as rare as a solar eclipse for my son to have a clean apartment, I am tempted to hop in the car and drive for 3 1/2 hours just to see it.

writerterri
11-25-2006, 09:22 PM
I can't imagine why...

:D



I am not a bachelor.

I cook, clean, and do the laundry for my wife, two kids, two dogs, and one tortoise.

I have to reload the dishwasher every time my wife lods it, because she doesn't utilize the space effectively.

All my cleaning supplies are carefully organized under the kitchen sink, and not a week goes buy that I don't run out of one thing or another.

I wash my shower curtains every week.

There are always snacks about, healthy and otherwise. My wife enjoys baking goodies with the kids and I must have bananas available at all times.

There are usually leftovers from meals, which get stored in the fridge. If they go uneatened for a week, I toss them. But I usually complain about it loudly, so everyone tends to eat leftovers when I suggest it.

I have a seperate cabinet in my laundry room for bath tissue, Kleenex, and paper towels.

I give my dogs flaxseed oil to control their shedding and keep their coats shiny.

The tortoise is the real problem...


I hate other females in my house just like me and now that would include you-- minus the flaxseed thing. ;)

writerterri
11-25-2006, 09:29 PM
Bart, that was funny!



My house has a place for everything and you'd better keep it in it. Otherwise, it looks like people live here and have projects going. If you want science projects you have to go to the kids room where Jaycinth's kids dwell under the beds. They come out at night and put boogers and dirt streaks on the walls.

Bartholomew
11-25-2006, 11:49 PM
I am. Which is why I said "bachelorette." But I'm queer, so could reasonably get away with being messier and more blue-collar and well, just more butch in general. :)

See...now even I'm getting confused.

Queer... I use that word in every day language, to mean "Strange."

robeiae
11-25-2006, 11:51 PM
I hate other females in my house just like me and now that would include youLimitless desire is often masked by layer of hate...

SpookyWriter
11-26-2006, 12:09 AM
I am. Which is why I said "bachelorette." But I'm queer, so could reasonably get away with being messier and more blue-collar and well, just more butch in general. :)

See...now even I'm getting confused.But can you cook?

SpookyWriter
11-26-2006, 12:10 AM
Queer... I use that word in every day language, to mean "Strange."I see a spanking in someones future. :tongue

writerterri
11-26-2006, 12:26 AM
Limitless desire is often masked by layer of hate...


And a layer of frosting. :e2brows:

Rolling Thunder
11-26-2006, 12:34 AM
And a layer of frosting. :e2brows:

Are you two talking about those 'boob' cakes that are served at bachelor parties?:tongue

writerterri
11-26-2006, 12:53 AM
Are you two talking about those 'boob' cakes that are served at bachelor parties?:tongue


With your face on it, yes. :tongue

Bartholomew
11-26-2006, 12:55 AM
I see a spanking in someones future.

blink.

Why?

queer  /kwɪər/ Pronunciation Key (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/) - Show Spelled Pronunciation (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/)[kweer]–adjective , -er, -est, verb, noun
1.strange or odd from a conventional viewpoint; unusually different; singular: a queer notion of justice. 2.of a questionable nature or character; suspicious; shady: Something queer about the language of the prospectus kept investors away. 3.not feeling physically right or well; giddy, faint, or qualmish: to feel queer. 4.mentally unbalanced or deranged.

writerterri
11-26-2006, 02:26 AM
blink.

Why?

queer  /kwɪər/ Pronunciation Key (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/) - Show Spelled Pronunciation (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/)[kweer]–adjective , -er, -est, verb, noun
1.strange or odd from a conventional viewpoint; unusually different; singular: a queer notion of justice. 2.of a questionable nature or character; suspicious; shady: Something queer about the language of the prospectus kept investors away. 3.not feeling physically right or well; giddy, faint, or qualmish: to feel queer. 4.mentally unbalanced or deranged.

In other words, no.

Uncarved
11-26-2006, 02:30 AM
I am eating generic rice crispies out of the measuring cup, because every other dish in the house is dirty.

I could cook, but it would require removing the turkey-husk (as well as the blackened, brackish, lump behind it) from the oven, not to mention remove the pots of festering side dishes from the stove-top.

There might be something microwavable in the freezer--but the freezer is frozen shut, and I will not chisel it open until a true emergency--such as Ice Cream being brought into the house.

The expensive leather couch and matching chair are both covered in ratty bed sheets-rather than bother cleaning, I can run these through the washer once a year, guilt free.

The bathroom paper sits in its packages atop piles of clean, but semi-folded towels, all handily next to the toilet.

The soap on the sink is glued to the soap-dish by years of its ancestor's accumulated gunk. (It's soap--it's clean, right?)

I have conversations with the mildew in my shower. (They're/It's reading Tolstoy at the moment.)

My cat does battle with critters not yet identified by science, all of which seem to come from my vents.

The computer might be on a desk; or it might be on an array of carefully stacked rubble. I cannot tell anymore.

My apartment does not have rooms. It has tunnels. The safe ways are marked by dirty laundry; the cave-in areas are marked by discarded soda bottles and cans. I do not have a parrot because its a good pet; I have a parrot to test the O2 before I enter any given room.

Other men accept this as they step into what Tolkein described as a wet hole, with moist walls filled with the ends of worms.

But if a woman announces that she desires to call upon me, the place will be immaculate before she arrives, and return to the status quo ten minutes after her departure.

I am bachelor. Hear me roar.




There is something exceptionally wrong with me because this just made me think how sexy it makes you. I'm chalking it up to the primal animalistic nature of man and leaving it at that..... don't need any more therapy, thank you very much...
But still, *meow*

Bartholomew
11-26-2006, 02:39 AM
In other words, no.

Huh?

I didn't edit my post or anything...

Rolling Thunder
11-26-2006, 03:24 AM
With your face on it, yes. :tongue

If the cake's shaped like I said before, you can count on it. A fork would only slow me down.;)

Bartholomew
11-26-2006, 03:36 AM
If the cake's shaped like I said before, you can count on it. A fork would only slow me down.;)

Thread Derailed!

You are learning well from your Sith Master. I see you deserving a Sith name. I dub you Darth Bolt.

chicagogal
11-26-2006, 04:08 AM
BARTHOLOMEW, Me thinks that you exaggerate to get a "rise" our of us. I live in a cozy, mostly neat and definetely serene two bedroom apartment with mementoes of good times and lots of books strategically placed. Yuck is my response to your digs(and I do mean digs).I know a great organizer who can change your life in just a few hours.

Bartholomew
11-26-2006, 04:14 AM
BARTHOLOMEW, Me thinks that you exaggerate to get a "rise" our of us. I live in a cozy, mostly neat and definetely serene two bedroom apartment with mementoes of good times and lots of books strategically placed. Yuck is my response to your digs(and I do mean digs).I know a great organizer who can change your life in just a few hours.

Speaking of Digs, I just found a mayan dagger under a pile of soda cans.

No joke. o.o

JDCrayne
11-26-2006, 07:31 AM
I think we need you people over at The Dead Thread. Your households would fit right in with the carrion-themed decor.

kristie911
11-26-2006, 08:14 AM
There is something exceptionally wrong with me because this just made me think how sexy it makes you. I'm chalking it up to the primal animalistic nature of man and leaving it at that..... don't need any more therapy, thank you very much...
But still, *meow*

I'm glad I wasn't the only one thinking this. Damn, must be my primalistic urge to take care of someone. Or I've gone too damned long without sex and all men are starting to look attractive. This is not a good sign...

Bartholomew
11-26-2006, 08:33 AM
I'm glad I wasn't the only one thinking this. Damn, must be my primalistic urge to take care of someone. Or I've gone too damned long without sex and all men are starting to look attractive. This is not a good sign...

All the same, I shall be abusing my new found sexiness. :)

Uncarved
11-26-2006, 05:46 PM
*grins*
Abuse me, but let me see your dagger first:)

I've a fondness for implements of death...

Bartholomew
11-27-2006, 07:04 AM
*grins*
Abuse me, but let me see your dagger first:)

I've a fondness for implements of death...

Hah. Ok, lemme see if I can take a pic...

Bartholomew
11-27-2006, 07:11 AM
*grins*
Abuse me

Out of context, that sounds so very, very right awesome wrong.

Anyway, the dagger I found beneath the rubble:

http://i50.photobucket.com/albums/f332/blackout_entertainment/MayanDagger.jpg

Uncarved
11-27-2006, 06:44 PM
I have a pic of mine, I'll post shortly...

and abuse is never out of context

Jaycinth
11-27-2006, 08:27 PM
Bart, that was funny!



My house has a place for everything and you'd better keep it in it. Otherwise, it looks like people live here and have projects going. If you want science projects you have to go to the kids room where Jaycinth's kids dwell under the beds. They come out at night and put boogers and dirt streaks on the walls.
Your forgot about the goldfish in the bathroom cabinet, the shrimp shells in the curtain rods, and whatever they were serving at school for lunch three...no four weeks ago, hidden in the backpack under the bed.

Um, Terri, did you find the peanut butter in the ceiling lights?
Oh, we really should return that guinea pig to your neighbor. She won't notice they shaved it if we paint it purple, right?

Jaycinth
11-27-2006, 08:32 PM
I think we need you people over at The Dead Thread. Your households would fit right in with the carrion-themed decor.

Oh, RIGHT. Dead Thread... CARRION! You just HAD to bring that up. just HAD to! That's just insensitive. A cliche promulgated by the CareBear loving masses to put down things just because they seem to decompose.

EVERYTHING decomposes, buddy. Even your precious Mozart!

And to think I was going to give you a twenty gallon drum of polyurethane.
You can go mummify your own victims.