Does this look right?

Well, you need the subjunctive: "...if only it were Thursday instead of Friday..."

and

"Nina never walked; she bounded, her gleaming pony tail..." (Either a comma or a semicolon; I vote for the semicolon.)


Also, "hopeful anticipation" sounds redundant to me. I think just "anticipation" is fine.

I agree with askeladd. I'd reword the second graph you gave, but it's mostly for personal and not strictly grammar reasons. I'm assuming this is a novel.

I'd go with the comma instead of the semicolon, and I'd get rid of the "ing" phrase and put in some harder action. Also, I'd nix the adverb.

"Nina never walked, she bounded. Her gleaming ponytail swung behind her as she popped into Faye's world and shared a little of her sunshine."

Oh, and I just noticed: "When it came around and the light turned to dusk, she would wait ...."

I'm struggling with the "came around" and the "would wait." They don't seem to be parallel. When I first read it, it seemed as though the "came around" meant Friday had already come, but it seems from your character's POV, she is talking about it happening in the future and what she will do when it comes.

Maybe (and I'm not totally sure here) you should write: "When it would come, and the light turns to dusk, she would wait ...."

And, your "waiting" at the end of the sentence is redundant. You already told us she'd be waiting at the top of the stairs.