PDA

View Full Version : Does this look right?



Ambergold
11-25-2006, 06:47 AM
Just wanted to make sure about this.

If only she’d never opened the door, if only it was Thursday instead Friday, if only things could remain unchanged.
Friday was supposed to be her special day. When it came around and the light turned to dusk, she would wait at the top the stairs, scuffed knees tucked under her chin in hopeful anticipation – waiting.

And


Nina never walked she bounded, her gleaming pony tail swinging behind her as she briefly entered Faye’s world and shared a little of her sunshine.

Thanks

askeladd
11-25-2006, 08:47 AM
Well, you need the subjunctive: "...if only it were Thursday instead of Friday..."

and

"Nina never walked; she bounded, her gleaming pony tail..." (Either a comma or a semicolon; I vote for the semicolon.)


Also, "hopeful anticipation" sounds redundant to me. I think just "anticipation" is fine.

veronie
11-25-2006, 09:23 AM
I agree with askeladd. I'd reword the second graph you gave, but it's mostly for personal and not strictly grammar reasons. I'm assuming this is a novel.

I'd go with the comma instead of the semicolon, and I'd get rid of the "ing" phrase and put in some harder action. Also, I'd nix the adverb.

"Nina never walked, she bounded. Her gleaming ponytail swung behind her as she popped into Faye's world and shared a little of her sunshine."

Oh, and I just noticed: "When it came around and the light turned to dusk, she would wait ...."

I'm struggling with the "came around" and the "would wait." They don't seem to be parallel. When I first read it, it seemed as though the "came around" meant Friday had already come, but it seems from your character's POV, she is talking about it happening in the future and what she will do when it comes.

Maybe (and I'm not totally sure here) you should write: "When it would come, and the light turns to dusk, she would wait ...."

And, your "waiting" at the end of the sentence is redundant. You already told us she'd be waiting at the top of the stairs.

Ambergold
11-25-2006, 08:47 PM
Thanks Veronie and asklad for your advice. I do agree with you Veronie, the "waiting" at the end of the sentence is just repetitive, which is something that I'm trying to watch.