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yldii

What do you think? Particularly of the MORPH TO:.

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               EXT. WESTSHIER VILLAGE - NOON

               Westshier is a medium size village with several shops, street
               venders and the YE NEW TAVERN.

               A group of children pass Thomas and William, as they arrive
               at the village.  They are all smiling and waving. 

                                   KIDS
                             (in unison)
                         Hi brother Thomas. 

                                   THOMAS
                         Hello children.

               The two monks stop at the center of town, in front of the Ye
               New Tavern.  Outside the tavern on a bench sits a man,
               hunched over drunk. Villagers shopping in the marketplace. 
               Travelers on foot, horseback and in carriages fill the
               streets. 

                                   WILLIAM
                         I still can't believe you covered
                         the Bishop with Horse manure. 

               Over hearing this, the drunk man POPS to attention.  It is
               none other than Travis McFay.

                                   MCFAY
                             (to himself)
                         So, it was you.  You're the cause
                         of all my trouble. 

               He takes a swig from a deerskin flask, wipes his mouth on his
               sleeve and stares with angry eyes.

                                   THOMAS
                         I doubt the Bishop holds a grudge.

               Williams eyes well up and he sniffles a bit. Without warning
               he grabs Thomas in a tight bear-hug.

                                   WILLIAM
                         Good bye Thomas, I'm going to miss
                         you.

                                   THOMAS
                         You worry too much.  I'll be back
                         before you know it. 

                                   WILLIAM
                         Just promise you'll take care of
                         yourself.

                                   THOMAS
                         Alright, I promise.  And you do the
                         same.

               The monks part and walk away in opposite directions.

               Now Thomas is truly on his own.  While passing some venders,
               he spies some scrumptious looking kabobs and stops to buy
               one.  Thomas is unaware that, lurking in the shadows across
               the street is Travis McFay. 

               From McFay's vantage point, he can see Thomas, with his back
               toward him.  He pulls a dagger from his boot, trying to get a
               bead on Thomas but the street is too busy.  

               The vender pulls a bunch of kabobs from the stone barbecue
               pit and throws them in a vat on the counter.

                                   VENDER
                         Hello friar, what can I get ya? 

                                   THOMAS
                         One kabob please.

                                   VENDER
                         You want flies with that?

               On the counter are two vats filled with kabobs.  One is
               fresh, hot and steaming, the other cold and swarming with
               flies.

                                   THOMAS
                         No, Just the Kabob.

               The vender hands Thomas the kabob.

                                   VENDER
                         That'll be eight frill.

                                   THOMAS
                         But that's twice what I paid the
                         last time.

                                   VENDER
                         Since the king took ill, everyone's
                         had to raise prices, just to keep
                         up with new taxes.

                                   THOMAS
                         But I thought the king's affairs
                         were left in capable hands. 

                                   VENDER
                         Capable hands? I don't know, I just
                         don't trust that Maddigan Thorne. 



               INT. WIZARD'S LAIR, LARAWIN CASTLE - CONTINUOUS

               The evil tyrant MADDIGAN THORNE, twist the tip of his
               mustache in his fingers.  A sinister gleam in his eye.

                                   THORNE
                         Show me again o Dostranomi, show me
                         the one who stands between me and
                         the throne.  

               The wizard DOSTRANOMI, stands at the large crystal ball in
               the center of the dreary stone lair.  Suspended from the
               ceiling by chains is a huge dragon skull. Along the wall, a
               table holds tools of magic and alchemy.  All around the room,
               shelves display magical charms and trinkets.   

                                   DOSTRANOMI
                         Of course my lord.

               He waves his weathered hand over the crystal. Smoke and light
               swirl all around the ball. A blurry image comes into focus. 
               In the crystal we see a young woman, ALIA OSHEA, strolling
               through the forest.  A firey redhead with the unrefined look
               of a peasant girl.

                                   THORNE
                         So, this little strumpet could be
                         my undoing, could she?  Bring her
                         to me.

               The edges of the crystal ball begin to fade away.

                                   DOSTRANOMI (O.S.)
                             (fading to an echo)
                         It's being dealt with as we speak.

                                                              MORPH TO:



               EXT. WEST LARAWIN FOREST - CONTINUOUS

               Alia continues her stroll through the woods. It's a gorgeous
               day, birds chirping and the sun shining.  Alia has a bouquet
               of wildflowers.  She bends down to pick a flower to add to
               the bunch, the sound of horses fills her ears.   

               Two riders, SAM and PATTY, garbed in black armor approach. 
               They dismount their magnificent black stallions, with
               matching armor.  Alia stands up strait and smiles.

                                   ALIA
                         Greetings Sirs, may I be of some
                         assi--

                                   SAM
                         HOLD YER TONGUE WENCH.

               The armored men advance toward her a step, drawing their
               swords.

                                   SAM
                         Your under arrest!

                                   ALIA
                             (confused)
                         But, I've done nothing.

                                   PATTY
                         Well then, in light of this new
                         evidence, case dismissed, you're
                         free to go.

                                   ALIA
                         I, I am?

                                   SAM
                         Of course,
                         (beat)
                         NOT!

                                   PATTY
                         What does this look like?  The
                         PEOPLES COURT?

               They start toward her again.  Alia scrambles around a tree,
               picking up a big club-like stick along the way.  She emerges
               on the other side of the tree and holds the stick out in
               front of her.  The two men stop dead in their tracks.

                                   ALIA
                         Stay away!

                                   SAM
                         Oh no Patty, she's got a stick.

                                   PATTY
                             (sarcastic)
                         What we gonna do now Sam?

                                   ALIA
                         I'm warning you.

               They lunge at Alia, who takes a swing. 

               KLONK!!

               She whacks Sam on the side of the helmet, sending it spinning
               a couple of times around and settling backwards on his head.

                                   SAM
                         Hey! No fair.

               This distracts Patty, who glances over to see his partner
               stumbling around in the dark.  While his head is turned, Alia
               swings the stick in a whirling upward thrust. 

                                   PATTY
                         I'll get you for that.

               By the time he turns his attention back to his potential
               victim it's too late. 

               Oof!!

               Right in the old family jewels.  He doubles over in pain. 
               Alia turns to run, but comes face to face with a third man,
               dressed in similar armor.  CAPTAIN KOR.  Unlike the other
               two, his breastplate sports a red dragon silhouette.  His
               helmet has a large plume of red feathers.

               Alia takes a FURIOUS swing at his chest.  He catches the
               stick effortlessly in his hand, ripping it away.

                                   KOR
                         Pull yourselves together you
                         IMBECILES.

                                   PATTY
                             (still groaning in pain)
                         A bit of fire in that one Captain.

                                   KOR
                         Good, I like em FEISTY.

               Kor grabs her, spins her around, wraps an arm across her
               chest and grips her tightly.  She struggles in vain.

                                   ALIA
                         Man, are you gonna be sorry!

               He raises his sword above his head.

                                   KOR
                         You needn't concern yourself with
                         my feelings lass. 

               He brings the butt of the sword CRASHING down on the back of
               Alia's neck, knocking her out cold.

                                   KOR (CONT'D)
                         I don't have any.



               EXT. WESTSHIER VILLAGE - A SHORT TIME LATER

               Thomas sits on a log bench eating his delicious kabob.  A
               half a dozen children are gathered around him.  Thomas is
               making a motion with his free hand as if swinging a
               slingshot.

                                   THOMAS
                         And David let the stone fly with
                         all the strength of his heart.  It
                         hit Goliath right between the eyes
                         and laid him out flat.  And so, the
                         people never had to worry about
                         Goliath again. 

               The children are smiling and clapping.

                                   LITTLE BOY
                         Brother Thomas, tell us another
                         one.

                                   THOMAS
                         Not today children.

                                   LITTLE GIRL
                         Please brother Thomas.

                                   LITTLE BOY
                         Come on, please.

                                   THOMAS
                         I'd love to but, I'm on a very
                         important mission.

               Thomas gets up and pats the little girl on the head.

                                   THOMAS (CONT'D)
                         But I'll have plenty more stories
                         to tell when I come back.

               Thomas exchanges farewells with the kids and heads for the
               edge of town.  

               The traffic thins out near the edge of town.  Thomas looks
               down and sees a rock the size of a grapefruit in the road and
               picks it up. 

                                   THOMAS
                             (thinking out loud)
                         Someone could get hurt.

               He starts to throw it over his shoulder but stops himself. 
               He turns to make sure nobody is in the line of fire.

               McFay, still stalking Thomas, sees him turning and ducks
               behind a water barrel. 

               Thomas turns back around and tosses the rock over his
               shoulder, high into the air.

               Just then McFay stands, draws his dagger back to throw it.

                                   MCFAY
                         Now I have you.

               WHACK!! 

               The rock finds it's unintentional target.  Right smack in the
               forehead.  McFay falls flat on his back. 

               Thomas, unaware of what just happened, goes on his merry way
               out of town.



               EXT. FORREST - DUSK

               Alia is tied to a huge tree. Patty and Sam are setting up
               camp.

                                   ALIA
                         Why don't you guys just let me go?

                                   PATTY
                         How stupid do we look?

                                   ALIA
                         I don't think you look stupid.
                             (alluring)
                         In fact your kind a cute. 

                                   PATTY
                         Gee, ya mean it?

                                   ALIA
                         Of course I do, ya stud.

                                   SAM
                         Don't listen to her Patty.  She's
                         tryin to get to you.  

                                   PATTY
                         What, a girl can't think I'm cute? 
                         I take care of myself and exercise
                         three times a week.  

                                   ALIA
                         Oh, and it shows.

                                   SAM
                         Leave him alone, can't ya see he's
                         an idiot?

                                   PATTY
                         RIGHT THERE, see, that"s what I'm
                         talking about.  You never give me
                         any credit.  Sure I screw up, but
                         thats because I always have to live
                         up to you. 

               Patty is pacing back and forth with his arms flailing in the
               air.  

                                   PATTY (CONT'D)
                         It's always Sam this and Sam that
                         and why can't you be more like your
                         brother!

               Sam picks up a bucket and throws it to Patty.

                                   SAM
                         Just drop it and go get water for
                         the horses. 

                                   PATTY
                         Why do I have to be the one to get
                         the water?

                                   SAM
                         Because I'm in charge til the
                         captain gets back. Now go do it.

                                   PATTY
                         I don't wanna do it.

                                   SAM
                         Fine, I'll do it.  You'd probably
                         screw it up anyway. 

               Sam grabs the bucket from Patty.  He starts to walk toward
               the path to the river.  

                                   SAM (CONT'D)
                         Just wait here. 

               Patty follows along trying to grab the bucket from him.  

                                   PATTY
                         NO, I'm doin it!

               The two men continue arguing as they disappear down the path
               leaving Alia alone. 

                                   ALIA
                         Idiots.  

               She tries to wiggle free of the ropes with no success.  

                                   THOMAS
                         You seem to be in quite a
                         predicament young lady. 

               Alia looks up and sees Thomas walking toward her.  

                                   ALIA
                         Can you help me?

                                   THOMAS
                         Are you dangerous? 

                                   ALIA
                         Do I look dangerous?  I've been
                         kidnapped.  

               Thomas ponders the situation briefly. He removes his knapsack
               and sets it on the ground.   

                                   THOMAS
                         Let me see what I can do about
                         those ropes.  

                                   ALIA
                         Bless you.

               Thomas grabs the ropes by the knot and tries to tug it loose.  

                                   SAM
                         I wouldn't do that if I were you.  

               Thomas turns around and sees the idiot brothers with swords
               drawn.  

                                   THOMAS
                         Easy now, can't we talk about this
                         like gentlemen?

                                   SAM
                         Oh, we're not gentle.  

                                   PATTY
                         Yeah, and we're not men. 

               Everyone looks at Patty dumbfounded.  Patty looks embarrassed
               as he realizes what he said.

                                   PATTY
                         No, I mean we--

                                   SAM
                         Forget it Patty, just kill him.

                                   PATTY
                         BUT SAM,
                             (reluctant)
                         I can't kill an unarmed monk.

               Sam throws his sword sticking it in the ground, directly in
               front of Thomas.  

                                   SAM
                         Pick it up Friar.

               Thomas picks up the sword.  

                                   SAM
                         There, now he's armed.

                                   THOMAS
                         Whoa, think about this.  

                                   SAM
                         What's to think about?  

                                   THOMAS
                         Well, first of all, I'm a man of
                         god.  So with or without the sword,
                         I CAN'T fight you.  

               Thomas throws the sword behind him, inadvertently sticking it
               through the rope and into the tree.  The rope slacks up
               freeing Alia.  

                                   ALIA
                         No, But I CAN.

               Alia grabs the sword, twirling it with expert precision.
               Patty raises both eyebrows in a look of surprise.    

                                   PATTY
                         Uh oh.

               Sam grabs patty's sword and comes at Alia swinging.  She
               sidesteps, he stumbles past her and she kicks him in the
               butt. Sam SLAMS facedown onto the ground.  

               She advances toward Patty, who  puts his hands up, he tries
               to back away but is blocked by his horse.

                                   PATTY
                         Wait!  I'm the cute one remember. 

                                   ALIA
                         Not that cute. 

               She raises the sword and is poised to strike.  Patty cringes
               in fear.  

               SMACK!!

               She slaps the rear end of the horse with the side of the
               blade.  The horse rears up and speeds off into the forest
               leaving Patty with a slight look of relief.  

                                   ALIA (CONT'D)
                         Now RUN. 

               Patty takes off RUNNING and SCREAMING. 

               Alia jumps atop the remaining horse, holds her hand out and
               yells for Thomas.

                                   ALIA
                         Get on!

               Thomas takes a step toward the horse, then hesitates. 

                                   THOMAS
                         Wait, my bag.

               Sam picks himself up.  He's stunned but shakes it off as he
               spies Thomas.  He comes up behind him with his sword cocked
               and ready.  Thomas grabs his sack and FLINGS it over his
               shoulder hitting Sam in the process and knocking him back to
               the ground.  He grabs Alia's hand and hoist himself onto the
               back of the horse.  They break into a FULL STRIDE thus making
               their escape.

Thanks..............
.........Yldii..........
 

lowellgrippo

Re: Just my thoughts...

I enjoyed reading it. You have plenty of action, and the dialog is to the point. There are some good laughs to be had here, though I believe it could stand a little tightening up. For instance, You wrote:

Two riders, SAM and PATTY, garbed in black armor approach.
They dismount their magnificent black stallions, with
matching armor. Alia stands up strait and smiles.

ALIA
Greetings Sirs, may I be of some
assi--

SAM
HOLD YER TONGUE WENCH.

The armored men advance toward her a step, drawing their
swords.

SAM
Your under arrest!

ALIA
(confused)
But, I've done nothing.

PATTY
Well then, in light of this new
evidence, case dismissed, you're
free to go.

I think the first two lines between Alia and Sam are unnecessary. Maybe...

Two riders, SAM and PATTY, garbed in black armor approach.
They dismount their magnificent black stallions, with
matching armor, and advance with drawn swords. Alia stands and smiles.

SAM
You are under arrest!

ALIA
(confused)
But, I've done nothing.

PATTY
In light of this new
evidence, you are
free to go.

Also, I think it would be funnier if, when Thomas tosses the rock, there is no dialog from McFay...


Thomas turns back around and tosses the rock over his
shoulder, high into the air.

Just then McFay stands, draws his dagger back to throw it.


WHACK!!

The rock finds it's unintentional target. Right smack in the
forehead. McFay falls flat on his back.

Thomas, unaware of what just happened, goes on his merry way
out of town.

Just my thoughts. I could be wrong though... :clap

(After previewing my response, I'm not sure how you managed to have this appear in proper formatting, but I'm afraid I wouldn't know how to do that. Sorry.)
 

yldii

Re: Just my thoughts...

Hey lowellgrippo:
Thanks for the input. As for cutting McFay's dialog from from the rock throwing segment, I have to agree. I took it out and it reads much better.

Thanks again.........
............Yldii..........
 
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