My Mom's in Denial

Jean Marie said:

and it's the pits. just found out the other day her cancer's come back after years of being in remission. it was breast cancer and now it's settled in her spine. she lives in s. cal and it's near impossible to talk to her about it.

I asked her the other night how she's feeling and she asked, "why?"

I said, "the tumor."

she said, "what tumor?"

I said, "the one in your back."

she said, "oh."

I can see this is not going to be easy to deal w/. my dad died 3 years ago from pancreatic cancer. my brother and his family are going to visit this weekend and try to see what's what. being an emt, I've seen this coming for a few months w/ my mom's descriptions and did encourage her to go to a doc. it didn't sound like normal back pain, to me.

I didn't anticipate having to deal w/ another parent's illness so close to losing my dad. kind of feels like I just got over the horror-show of watching my dad die. you know, regardless of what the relationship is, it sucks when they go. it really does. and watching them die from cancer, at home, really sucks.

I don't want to do this. at all. I want to run away.

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Thats a horrible situation and im sorry to hear you are going through that.

I work for hospice, and when we get patients on hospice who are in denial, we can use Medical Social Workers to help with issues such as this. Is she on a hospice service and if so, I would talk to her case manager and ask for a social worker to intervene and help open up that dialogue. If she is not on a hospice, I'm sure there are resources that can help YOU to deal with her denial.

What a terrible place to be. You have my sympathy. My thoughts with you and your family.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

So sorry to hear this, JM. Our prayers are with you.

I don't know what the hell to say except I wish I could take this burden away and my thoughts are with you.

Rough. I hear that. My mother-in-law is going through her own cancer thing right now, and it's not easy.

She's been more of a mother to me than my own mother.

Very sorry to hear this, Jean Marie.

Is there a support group you could join in your area? I think it helps to have other people to talk to who have personal experience with this kind of situation.

I'm so sorry to hear about this Jean. I can't begin to think of losing my parents because I haven't had enough time to really appreciate them. I just hope you can spend time with your mom, if possible. I know you have so much pain in your life recently, so I will be thinking of you. Best wishes

I'm sending out the positive vibes for you and your family. It's difficult to care for an ailing parent, especially when they don't want that kind of attention, but try to be there for her. You'll be glad you did.

My heart goes out to you, Jean Marie. May you find the strength to deal with this and by the support your mother needs. You know you have OUR support.

That's terrible. I'm sorry to hear you have to go through this. Keep in mind, different people deal with illness differently. Perhaps it's not so much she's denying it as not wanting to spend the rest of her days talking about it or dwelling on it. That might make thing difficult for you, esp. if you have the kind of personality that needs to get everything out in the open. I hope you can find some middle ground and both of you can say all the things you need to say to each other.

All the best to you.

There are no words, Jean Marie. I remember and I can truly empathize with what you're going through. I wish I was close enough to give you a big, huge hug and a shoulder for the days to come.

Oh, Jean Marie - I am so sorry - I hope you find strength and courage. Hugs to you, my dear.

Oh, I'm so sorry! I lost my father just a little over a year ago -- turns out HE knew full well he was dying, and wouldn't even allow his doctors to tell his own wife, let alone his daughters (who were buying plane tickets the same minute we got the call that it was too late).

My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your entire family.

Jean, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.

Remember to keep your strength and spirit up as things progress.

Journaling is good. I had my grandfather's caregivers journal each day including times what meds taken. When it came time to see the doctor, I took the journal with me for him to read then I wasn't a frantic overly concerned loved one talking, which helped him see what grandfather was actually going through. My mom still has these journals and looks back every now and then to read what quirky thing her father had said or done.

The thing is, you can't force someone to handle the possibility of immanent death the way you want them to. There are a lot of things I would change about my mom and dad if I could, but it's really been my task to accept them the way they are. I know that sounds harsh but it won't do either of you any good to try to get her to deal with her illness in a way that will make you more comfortable.

Just try to be nice to her in a way that she will understand; if she can only deal with small talk, then talk small. Meanwhile, the above suggestions to get help for yourself are worthy-- join a support group, get individual counseling, go on a two-week cruise, buy a sports car, or whatever you think will help you the most. Also-- if both parents have had cancer and one already died from it, then make sure your doctor knows that! Don't neglect your own health. Your family members need you whether they admit it or not. I type notes all the time about people who are helping care for someone in the family who is ill, and then because they are so stressed out they get ill themselves right as their loved one is in the hospital for tests or surgery. That's like the ultimate in pathos.

Also, somewhat related to the above: It's quite true that often people end up living a lot longer than anyone expected for them to. Optimism is not always misplaced or incorrect. Don't be frightened, therefore! Let your mom be herself and take care of yourself, and try to enjoy life. Yes, it DOES suck that your mom is ill with the same thing that took your dad. I feel all kinds of bad for you-- but it's not the 11th hour just yet.

I hope this was helpful!

I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

So sorry Jean Marie. We all deal in different ways. Maybe hers is denial. The only comfort I can give is give your dog big giant hugs. How would we get through these rough times without our animal friends?

My heart and prayers go out to you Jean Marie. PM me anytime you need to talk, hugs kimmi

I can't even imagine. You and your mother are in my thoughts.