This is my very first scene. Opinions wanted

I dont have a name for the script yet, though I have the whole story planned out. Its basically about, a girl who was abused when she was young, and fights all odds to get out of her house and succeed. The story will follow her through the ages of 10-18.

THIS IS THE VERY FIRST SCENE I have even attempted to write and complete. So naturally, there MUST be alot of mistakes and flaws. So please point them out, and I would like opinions from all you professionals!


Scene 1: " It was almost like any other night”

INT. Living Room-Night

A little girl sits alone in the hallway. Only source of light only coming from a television. A couch sits between the television and the little girl in the hallway. The mother and father of the little girl are sitting on the couch. You hear the television show in the background, it is a cowboy movie but the weeping of the little girl stands out more. The Girl, named CINDY, starts to cry harder. The father of the little girl stands up

Father:
I told that bitch to shut up.
(He says to the mother)

The father turns on a lamp standing next to the couch, as it flickers in and out. You see the father, fat man, chest hair, bald head, lack of proper hygiene. He is wearing a wife-beater and some blue jeans. He walks around the couch and stands in front of his daughter. You then see the daughter, who is ten years old, with an evident “abuse” mark on her face. She is wearing a white nightgown. You are only able to see the back of the mothers head. The mother continues to stay glued to the television, as the daughter starts the cry harder at the sight of the father.

Father:
I told you to shut up right?

(Cindy doesn’t answer, she continues to cry)

Father:
Didn’t I tell you what would happen if you didn’t shut up?

(Cindy’s begins to stop crying)

Cindy:
But my tummy aches. I want to eat.

Father:
I gave you a sandwich. Its your fault your hungry
(He shrugs his arms carelessly)

Cindy:
It had that moldy stuff on it!

Father:
It was all we had.

Cindy:
But you and mommy bought chicken.
(She says nervously)

(Grabs Cindy, she screams and begins to cry)
Father:
We aren’t gonna use the money I WORKED for on an accident like you. So while your living under MY roof, I’ll feed you whatever the @#%$ I want and do it whenever the @#%$ I want to.

Throws Cindy on the floor. Cindy continues to cry. The mother turns around and checks what’s going on. She looks at Cindy who gives her mother a cry for help. The mother looks like a hooker. The big hair, the overly used makeup, and obvious evidence of drug abuse. The mother turns back around and watches her TV again.

Father:
I SAID SHUT UP!
(He says to Cindy)

The father grabs Cindy by the hair and pulls her down the hallway. Cindy screams and cries and tries to resist. The father reaches the end of the hallway opens the closet door. There’s nothing in the closet but a wire hanger hanging on the rack. He throws her in there and locks the door. Its completely dark, and all you hear is the TV in the background and Cindy crying.

Cindy:
Daddy?
(She ask anxiously as she tries stop crying)

Cindy knocks on the door, trying to get out.

Cindy:
DADDY!!!!
(Begins to cry again)



The closet door opens. Father pulls her out and throws her across hallway as Cindy hits the wall. He grabs the wire hanger


Cindy:
No please. PLEASE DADDY! I’ll stop. I swear! Please don’t do it!!!

The father thrust his arm back and smacks Cindy across the face with the wire hanger as some blood flies on her fathers wife-beater. He cuts Cindy’s cheek. She screams and cries.

I'll have to suggest reading some scripts and even some screenwriting books. Basically this isn't a screenplay, you just formatted the story you wanted to tell in a screenplay format. Dialogue is pretty bad. You use way too much descriptive narratives rather than describing the actions taking place. There's no real style to the writing, which is ok, since you should worry about writing a technically sound screenplay first and hopefully develop a style. Then there's the problem with your story, if the entire story is her life story through agest 10-18 that tells me it's got problems. I suggest writing a novel if that's what you want to do. Unless you set up your story such that it's her abuse in the first 10 pages and her struggles as a young adult throughout.

There's just too many mistakes with it to simply fix. You need to find ways to describe what's going in in the least amount of words and in the most visual way. Maybe take a screenwriting class to just learn the basics, and try it again.

This script is great. I want to read more.

I did a VERY quick edit and may have missed some things.

I'm very new at this (1 month). I probably wouldn't share too much of your screenplay w/general public. Just a thought (I may be paranoid).

You and my ex-social worker wife could collaborate.


INT.—LIVING ROOM—NIGHT

CINDY (10) sits alone in the hallway weeping. Only source of light only comes from a television. A cowboy movie is playing.

Her MOTHER (32) and FATHER (35) are sitting on the couch between the television and the hallway. Cindy’s crying grows louder. Her father, a scrubby fat man with a bad head displaying a thick matt chest hairs, stands up

FATHER
(to mother)
I told that bitch to shut up.

The father turns on a lamp next to the couch. It flickers. He is wearing a wife-beater (what’s that??) and some blue jeans. He walks around the couch and stands in front of his daughter, who has bruises on her face. She is wearing a white nightgown. The mother continues to stay glued to the television, as the daughter cries even harder at the sight of her father.

FATHER
I told you to shut up, right?

She doesn’t answer and continues to cry.

FATHER
Didn’t I tell you what would happen if you didn’t shut up?

Her crying diminishes

CINDY
But my tummy aches. I want to eat.

FATHER
(shrugging)
I gave you a sandwich. It’s your fault your hungry

CINDY
It had that moldy stuff on it!

FATHER
It’s all we’ve got.

CINDY
(nervously)
But you and mommy bought chicken.

He grabs Cindy, who screams and begins to cry again.

FATHER
We aren’t gonna use the money I worked for on an accident like you. So while you’re living under my roof, I’ll feed you whatever the f**k I want and do it whenever the f**k I want to.

He throws Cindy on the floor. Cindy continues to cry.

The mother turns around and checks what’s going on. She looks at Cindy who gives her mother a cry for help.

The mother looks like a hooker: big hair, the overly used makeup, and needle marks in her arm (NOTE: describe it visually, you aren’t writing a book). The mother turns back around and watches television again.

FATHER
(to Cindy)
I said, shut up!


INT.—HALLWAY—NIGHT

He grabs Cindy by the hair and pulls her down the hallway. Cindy screams and cries and tries to resist. The father reaches the end of the hallway opens the closet door. There’s nothing in the closet but a wire hanger hanging on the rack. He throws her in there and locks the door. It’s completely dark. She continues to cry and her parents resume watching television.

CINDY
(anxious, crying)
Daddy? … Daddy!

Cindy knocks on the door, trying to get out.

Father opens the closed door, pulls her out and throws her across hallway into the wall. He grabs the wire hanger

CINDY
No please. Please daddy! I’ll stop. I swear! Please don’t do it!!!

The father thrust his arm back and smacks Cindy across the face with the wire hanger as some blood flies from her cheek. She screams and cries.

BTW, yours is the first screenplay I've ever edited, so beware that it could be filled with my bloopers! :grin :jump :clap arty :grin :grin :jump :jump g :b ang:ha :ha

Not really concerned the logistics of the script...it needs help...but do you think people are really going to want to see a little girl get beat up before there eyes? Isn't cruelty to animals and children in movies a big "no-no" these days?

Depends on how it's played out. A good script is a good script. If that's what the screenwriter is really interested in writing I say, go for it.

Cut out all the parenthesized stuff if you can, for example:

(shrugging)
(to Cindy)
(nervously)
(crying)
etc.
etc.


Also, no need to put age with the character.

I agree, as a first scene, it is too brutal and depressing before we even know who these people are. And cliche.

Hm...FJ and G, it does depend on how it's played out, but this person has it written so we see a young girl being beaten with a hanger...people are not going to eat that up...a better thing to do maybe would be something where the dad puts her in a room and you only hear thrashing as well as her screams...make it even more effective...focus in on the mother's face as she's listening to this happening...just a thought...good luck...

Thanks for feedback & agree.

Parenthetical stuff already in descriptives & a bit superfluous.

But, hey, I've seen advice that says, just spit the first draft out, then clean it up. If you fuss too much w/first draft you might never get it written.

find the script for Bastard out of Carolina - done very well. jenna malone played a girl who was beaten and raped by her stepdaddy quite often. but it was more implied - mostly done behind closed doors; and the evidence was sever bruises and slashes on her backside. they only showed the actual violence one time near the end and that's when someone came to her rescue. without that rescue i'm sure it would have been too painful to watch.

it's a very sensitive subject and can only be done realistically if the mother of that child is weak: too weak to do anything about it mentally with extremely low self esteem, so low to allow it to go on. (not a physical weakness b/c she can always call the police).

oh yeah - READ MORE SCRIPTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
study style, stucture, and formatting!

write on!

Nikee and others' advice is good; I edited it more for format than content.

I thought the script was good. I think the nuances that the others picked out are minor... Don't let your voice get drowned in mediocrity. Keep writing the way you do. Please post more pages.

Well its my first scene, I knew it wasnt perfect, Hell, I knew it wasnt all that great. But I wanted to know, what I need to do, and what I need to stop doing. I plan on buying a book on screenwriting. I have so many ideas in my head, but I just cant put it on paper. Anyone got suggestions?

Advice:

Buy David Trottier's, The Screenwriter's Bible - the best first book.

And don't be so anxious to show your stuff....unless you have a very, very thick skin. Otherwise, you might get too discouraged. Learn the craft a bit more.

Getting involved in the discussions is also a great learning tool.

write on!

Re: Advice:

Take the advice here with a grain of salt. Study. Read more scripts.

But with first drafts, anything goes. It's a FIRST draft. Get the story out. You can butcher it anyway you want afterwards.

That's why most people don't post their first draft here.

Re: Advice:

thought this over last night and have a suggest you can take or leave

while watching a show on how Butch Cassidy & Sundance kid were made, they mentioned that at the end scene, in real life, an entire company or battalion (forget the size but a lot of people) were involved in the real-life capture/shooting of our 2 anti-heros in Bolivia.

For the movie, it seemed that having that many soldiers going after just 2 guys might seem a little overkill.

Moral to the story is that truth is often stranger than fiction.

Second moral is that truth often isn't believable on screen.

So lets apply it to your script for just a moment.

Perhaps the coathanger incident really happened. In fact, you are a social worker secretly wishing to be a screenwriter.

Does that mean what REALLY happened in real life should be in your screenplay? Maybe, maybe not. You have to judge its effectiveness on the drama you are trying to create, plot, characters, etc etc. Don't let reality get in the way of a good story.

Re: Advice:

I sense a lot of pent up passion in this text. Is it autobiographical?

Re: Advice:

These pages made me feel funny inside.

Re: Advice:

get a life optimus either post proper comments or do somefin else but u aint helpin no one some of us are tryin to write and make it in hollwyood

:grr

Re: Advice:

wow, that's so hollyweird, angelina. I was think just the same thing.

Re: Advice:

Angelina, do you have anything constructive to add, or do you just insult other people and then try to hit on the rich Koreans?

What Im reading

Im reading the Sixth Sense script right now cause I wanted to see how M. Night SHymamlalananalan wrote out the details without pointing them out. Is this a good script to start out with?

Oh, I read the script and I keep seeing the word BEAT in certain areas. What is this?

Re: What Im reading

I've noticed that, too.

I'd love to know what a beat is.

Anyone, anyone?

Re: What Im reading

That's where you insert the music. It's to let the director know where he should put the background music when he edits the film.

It's a pro term inspired by Janet Jackson at the beginning of "Nasty Boys" where she says, "Gimme a BEAT!"