A block of action...too much?

Here's a big block of action from a script I'm thinking of entering into a contest. Is it too much? Not enough? Too confusing? Could you guys tell me what you think? Thanks


Once Nathan finishes his speech, Caleb stands up from the bed and faces Nathan. He reaches in, and with a force strong enough to knock him down, kisses Nathan. At first Nathan isn't sure what's happening. Then he is overcome with the memories of all of the good times that they did indeed share. But that quickly passes, leaving Nathan frantic to get Caleb off of him. The strenght forces Nathan into the nearby wall. Leaning on the wall, Nathan finds the strength to push Caleb off of him. Caleb stands there looking at Nathan with out streched arms which pin Nathan to the wall.

When Caleb begins to speak he is almost unrecognizable. He is no longer the deeply sarcastic teen who was standing in the room before, who covered up his anger in his sarcasm. He is now consumed with anger at the fact that what he wants is not willing to become his. Hating the idea of losing his chance, he forces the idea of compliance onto his victim: Nathan.

Well, You've got loads of things there that can't be filmed. Action lines should be just that, action. Physical Behaviors. Thoughts, memories, desires, none of that can be filmed. You have to give your characters behaviors that SHOW these things.

Your block does need to be trimmed up, lots of extra words in there.

Try something along these lines.

Nathan finishes his speech. Suddenly Caleb kisses Nathan. Forcibly, toppling them over.

****

You've got to decide what is going on in your scene. You've got them falling down but then they are against the wall. You say that Nathan pushes him away but then you say the exact same thing over again. Nathan frees himself, twice, but Caleb still pins him.
You've got to find the consistency in the action and stick with it.

When Caleb talks it changes his physical look?

When Caleb begins to speak he is almost unrecognizable.

Click to expand...

What you need to do is really step back from your work. Leave it for three, four days. Then look at again, very critically, setting aside the story, and read for editing.

How much is the entry fee for the contest? $25 $30 dollars? What are they offering as far as feedback, reviews, or edits?
You're not ready. I'm very sorry to say it and I'm not being mean, but if these two sentences represent the whole script then you've got problems.

I run an editing and review service. My fee is $25.00. I offer a thorough read of the script and give page by page edits. Much more detailed and helpful then most peer reviews. Please check out my site www.lowcostscriptediting.com
There is also a testimonial at this link pub18.ezboard.com/fscript...D=20.topic

Happy Writing.
Ann Smith
Editor
Low Cost Script Editing

actually, there isn't a fee for this contest, and that's one reason why I was looking into entering it. The script in question was something I wrote a couple years ago, not something that I think is up to par with my current writing, and I am in the process of editing, and that's why I was posting the question.
I don't think you were being mean though, don't get me wrong. I aprecate your input

You're welcome.

If the contest is free, by all means, go ahead. Free is always good.

Good luck with the edits, but keep the site in mind for the future maybe? OR mention it to friends?

Ann

Oh yeah, definitly! I'm working on a full length movie right now (my first one ever, gulp) with a friend, and when it's "done" I was planning on sending it your way to have you break it apart piece by piece to tell me what I could do to improve it. It might be awhile until the ruff draft is done, but when it is, you'll be one of the first to know.

You paint a good visual. I like the descriptions. Focus on your strengths.

y enter a script that is less than your best? only put your best writing out there - less than your best shows contempt for the contest.

[email protected]

Words are power. The fewer words you use, the more power each one has -- like Jet Li in "The One."

too much action. When you put this into the proper format--in other words center it, then you will have at least a page of action. You have to decide to break it up with dialog.

Yeah, action should be concise and in my opinion, there should be adjectives to help out.

THINK INK:thumbs

Octo's posting is not action, it is not screenplay description - it is prose. As in novel, short story, essay writing.

Those of you who read his excerpt and think that it any way shape or form is screenwriting, do not understand the most basic fundementals of the craft.

As scripter pointed out there are loads of things in his paragraphs that can't be filmed. Everything you describe in a screenplay must be able to be either seen or heard.

Stay away from prose. Just keep it clean and filmmable. Thoughts can't be filmed, by the way.

Once Nathan finishes his speech, Caleb stands up from the bed and faces Nathan. He reaches in, and with a force strong enough to knock him down, kisses Nathan. At first Nathan isn't sure what's happening. Then he is overcome with the memories of all of the good times that they did indeed share. But that quickly passes, leaving Nathan frantic to get Caleb off of him. The strenght forces Nathan into the nearby wall. Leaning on the wall, Nathan finds the strength to push Caleb off of him. Caleb stands there looking at Nathan with out streched arms which pin Nathan to the wall.

Click to expand...

"Once Nathan finishes his speech" -- eh, it's obvious since Nathan's dialogue is done.

"With a force strong enough to knock him down" -- just say "he knocks him down."

"Nathan isn't sure what's happening. Then he is overcome with the memories of all the good times....but that quickly passes..." -- unfilmmable verbiage. Cut, cut, cut!

The entire second paragraph is prose. Cut!

Etc. etc. See below for a cleaned up version:

osh

screenplays aren't novels - refine your writing. what's the difference between

Once Nathan finishes his speech

and: Nathan finishes his speech

readers don't like to have their time wasted - even a little - and you waste a little of the reader's time in each sentence. like this: 'with a force strong enough to knock him down, kisses Nathan' -- just say kisses him/her passionately - or something - get to the @#%$ point and don't write @#%$ that can't be filmed - what does 'a force strong enough to knock him down' look like on film? how do you light it? what lens do you use to shoot it? get it? don't write that @#%$.

and what's this: The strenght forces Nathan into the nearby wall.

strength does not force people into a wall - an impact would do that - or being pushed, or something - all the strength in the world will not force anything anywhere until it's brought to bear on some object - clarify your writing - you write like a an elementary school kid

and you think we wouldn't figure it's a 'nearby' wall - what the @#%$? why would anybody assume the wall was 1/2 mile away?

every one of your sentences needs this type clarification and paring down - your writing is typical for the wannabe. accept this and you might rise above


zilla

Kojled, please be considerate when you offer your crit. You don't have to use foul language to bring your points across.

Thanks.

mw

you know, you're right. i just reread my post - wow, that's not needed. apologies


zilla

They're right.

Listen to the posts. Don't write what can't be filmed -I.e. thoughts. What you have is novelistic. An example of screenwriting -

NATHAN
Blah, blah. So. Whatja think, Caleb?

Caleb leaps from the bed, rushes Nathan and plants a sloppy kiss on his lips.

NATHAN
Whoa! What the fu--

Disgusted, he pushes Caleb away.

Caleb, confused, then angry, pins him to the wall and snarls.

CALEB
What? You were just leading me on all this
time? So, what? I'm not good enough for you?

Shocked and frightened, Nathan manouvers through Caleb's arms and races out of the room.

CALEB
F*ck you!

(O.S.) The front door SLAMS shut.

Not your story, but you get the idea. No reason for large blocks of description.