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Pat~
11-16-2006, 07:26 PM
Please feel free to add your own ;) ...


Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who donít.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
If you lined up all the cars in the world, end to end, someone would still try to pass them, 5 or 6 at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left there by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Jongfan
11-16-2006, 07:31 PM
Here is another

If the shoe fits, buy one exactly like it

NeuroFizz
11-16-2006, 07:43 PM
There is never time to do it right, but there is always time to do it over.

Jongfan
11-16-2006, 08:19 PM
A meetings length will be directly proportioned to the boredom the speaker produces.

When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening.

Love thy neighbor, just don't get caught.

A falling object will always fall where it can do the most damage.

Never argue with a fool, people may not know the difference.

JoeEkaitis
11-16-2006, 08:35 PM
The worse you have to pee, the slower everyone else drives.

The supervisor at work who exhorts you to "Slow down!" is usually the reason you can't.

If you ask for the same training as everyone else, you will be expected to do as much work as everyone else but without the training.

The most important factor in your periodic review is how little of everyone else's job you did.

TsukiRyoko
11-16-2006, 08:54 PM
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. GIve a man religion, and he'll starve to death praying for food.


Hee hee hee.

NeuroFizz
11-16-2006, 09:43 PM
For optimal efficiency, a committee should consist of three people, two of whom are absent.

engmajor2005
11-16-2006, 10:01 PM
If your word processor auto-saves every fifteen minutes, your PC will crash after you spent 14 minutes writing a particularly tough passage.

PenelopePitstop
11-16-2006, 10:12 PM
When you are two hours late for work... it will rain on the way to the train station - this happened to me this morning so it must be true... grrrrrrrrrrr!

(I was only late cause I couldn't get out of bed and wanted to watch t.v - so I guess it's my fault)

Maryn
11-16-2006, 10:31 PM
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

ETA:
Maryn, who omitted her sign-off and heard plenty about it, and who should have suggested that this is very probably a George Carlinism, but she's not positive

JoeEkaitis
11-16-2006, 10:32 PM
"How much chicken is in a three-piece meal?" will be asked at least once a day at every KFC, Popeye's, Church's, El Pollo Loco and Charo Chicken location on the planet.

CBeasy
11-17-2006, 06:38 AM
The moment you get tired of waiting at the bank and change lines, the line you were in will suddenly speed up. This also applies to basically any line, ever.

poetinahat
11-17-2006, 06:54 AM
The train you're waiting for will always arrive just after you've lit a cigarette.

(Tested repeatedly, years ago, in various Boston T stations -- back when smoking on the platform was legal)

A. Hamilton
11-17-2006, 07:15 AM
Your personal cell phone will always ring at work right when the boss stops by.
If you squeeze your mini-van into a compact parking space, a super-sized SUV will park next to you. Every time.
A fresh new zit wiill appear on your face the morning of a job interview, even if you're forty.

Unique
11-17-2006, 07:18 AM
The best tasting cup of coffee is the one you don't have time to drink.

Maryn
11-17-2006, 07:24 AM
If you kind of have to pee but are running late and decide you'll just wait until you get there (regardless of where "there" is), a major construction delay or traffic accident will have you squirming in your seat and vowing never again. Until the next time you're running late.

Maryn, been there, done that, many times

arrowqueen
11-18-2006, 04:44 AM
The things that you saved, untouched, in the attic for twenty years will be needed - three days after you've thrown them out.

Eveningsdawn
11-18-2006, 04:59 AM
If you fool around with a thing for very long, you will screw it up.

Kentuk
11-18-2006, 06:35 AM
Things are always in the last place you look for them.

Actually a very handy phrase, a bit of comforting humor to the frustrated.

K1P1
11-18-2006, 06:37 AM
If left to themselves, everything will end up on the floor.

[This is actually Katz's first law, coined while I was in college, lo these many years ago.]

Rolling Thunder
11-18-2006, 06:39 AM
Do unto others......then run like hell.

Azure Skye
11-18-2006, 06:43 AM
The best tasting cup of coffee is the one you don't have time to drink.

Always. Life is so unfair.

DamaNegra
11-18-2006, 07:27 PM
If you are waiting for someone and decide to leave alone because they aren't arriving... they'll arrive exactly 30 seconds after you left.

Unique
11-18-2006, 07:29 PM
If you decide not to answer the phone,
it will NOT be another telemarketer but the call you had been waiting for but had given up on receiving.

Maryn
11-18-2006, 07:53 PM
If you agree to meet friends at the movies and are not specific enough, one of you will buy a ticket and go in, while the other waits outside, decides the one who went in is a no-show, and goes home.

Maryn, who's seen this too many times

WDS
11-18-2006, 08:00 PM
Light a man a fire, and he will stay warm for the night. Light a man on fire, and he will stay warm for the rest of his life.

Roger J Carlson
11-18-2006, 08:28 PM
The morning air never smells as sweet as when you are walking into work.

preyer
11-18-2006, 08:33 PM
not really a murphy-ism, just good advice:

never argue with an idiot: they'll lower you to their level and beat you with experience.

the person interviewing you for a promotion will be a very religious, politically-minded and sexually ambiguous talkaholic whose first remark will be, 'so, tell me about yourself and what you believe.'

the speed of your computer depends on how many seconds you've got left to bid on that ebay item, especially when someone else is bidding at the same time.

six weeks after purchasing your dream home, your new neighbours will be black panthers on one side and KKK on the other.

people who consider themselves the sanest are the ones with the worst brain damage and have to read things twice.

people who consider themselves the sanest are the ones with the worst brain damage and have to read things twice.

time heals all wounds except when you're out of band-aids.

the 'spice of life' invariably will cause heartburn.

anything as easy as shooting fish in a barrell will cause that barrell to break and get your feet wet.

when something says, 'results vary,' 'results not typical,' and/or 'in .0097% of cases some anal leakage has occured,' rest assured that you will typically result in sitting on the crapper for four hours shooting your guts into a port-o-john at a construction site (if you're lucky to make it that far).

you'll find out halfway up the corporate ladder that it's a pyramid scheme and the first step of a thousand miles usually requires to you fall head-first.

whatever prescription allergy medicine your doctor prescribes will soon be over-the-counter, not as powerful, and will cost ten times as much.

you will lose your keys as your 'if found, please return to...' key fob is being printed.

after your car runs out of gas on a dark and stormy night and you have to flee the killers on foot through the woods, you'll catch sight of the sign that reads, 'now entering the woods of gnarkled tree roots, sticks and fallen logs, a federally protected park.' (hm, i meant 'grarnled,' but i think i like 'gnarkled' better. i love making up words.)

the longer you spend on making a post funny, thoughtful and relevant is directly proportionate to how many responses you don't get.

Carole
11-18-2006, 08:44 PM
The train you're waiting for will always arrive just after you've lit a cigarette.

(Tested repeatedly, years ago, in various Boston T stations -- back when smoking on the platform was legal)

While waiting in a restaurant, your food will arrive just after you've lit a cigarette.

(Tested here, where you can still smoke in some sections of some restaurants without having lil miss snootypants shoot fireballs out of her eyes at you)

engmajor2005
11-19-2006, 04:44 AM
If you are a non-smoker, you take longer to eat. Tested in numerous restaraunts where the wait-time for non-smoking sections is anywhere from eternity to forever, while the wait-time for smoking sections is never more than a half-hour.

Speaking of wait times, the hungrier you are, the longer your wait time will be.

Speaking of food, if you are a vegetarian, your family/friends will always want to eat at a steak house.

Speaking of family and friends, none of them will understand your obsession with journals and sketchbooks made from recycled paper and will always look at you weird as you stand in the journals/sketchbooks aisle in Barnes and Nobles stroking pages in said journals.

KODB
11-19-2006, 06:13 AM
Without chaos there is no change. Without change there are no vending machines.

Data will always expand to fill all available storage space.

C.bronco
11-19-2006, 06:42 AM
When your toilet is running, no wise arse will call to alert you to it.

Carrie in PA
11-19-2006, 06:54 AM
Data will always expand to fill all available storage space.

So will clutter. :D

PenelopePitstop
11-19-2006, 03:32 PM
When first your light fitting falls off the kitchen ceiling, then your toilet handle will break, before your boiler packs in!

Tiger
11-19-2006, 10:19 PM
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.