Marriage or live together...

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I would never marry anyone without living with them first.

But that's just me.

I'm a pyscho that way.

And a recluse loner.

I need to see if I can handle having another human around, everyday for the rest of my life before getting married.

God willing, I'll be rich and my eccentriticies will be accepted and she won't mind separate residences or at least separate wings of the house.
 

SpookyWriter

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I always believed that if my ex-wife and I had our separate living arrangements that we would still get a divorce.
 

dpaterso

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It's a relatively simple logic process:

Do you both want to get married?
If yes, are you both able to get married?
If yes, get married.

If the answer to any of the above is no, then live together.

Either way, enjoy your life together.

-Derek
 

Cath

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billythrilly7th said:
I need to see if I can handle having another human around, everyday for the rest of my life before getting married.
Which is exactly how I ended up with hubby.

He's the only person I can bear to spend every minute of every day with without breaking or throwing anything.

High maintenance? Me? :D

Live together first. You can't know what someone is really like unless you do.
 

WackAMole

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If i had lived with my ex first...I would never have married him. There are just some things that dont manifest themselves until after you share a room LOL
 

CaroGirl

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Both. Live together first, and then get married. You definitely don't want any nasty surprises that increase the divorce statistics.

And it's what I did. So, you know.

We lived together for 3 or 4 years before I pulled out the old marry-me-or-I'll-leave-you-for-someone-who-can-commit. And we've been married for more than 12 years. Most of them have even been happy!
 

WackAMole

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CaroGirl said:
Both. Live together first, and then get married. You definitely don't want any nasty surprises that increase the divorce statistics.

And it's what I did. So, you know.

We lived together for 3 or 4 years before I pulled out the old marry-me-or-I'll-leave-you-for-someone-who-can-commit. And we've been married for more than 12 years. Most of them have even been happy!

Yeppers! I totally agree. What happened to me was kinda sad. My fundamentalist religious beliefs kept me from living with him first. It was against my faith to live with/sleep with the man until after I was married.

I was married for 13 years to a guy who was totally irresponsible and a complete slob, (I stayed so long ALSO because my religion shunned divorce as an option.) At some point, I realized it was hopeless, which was very unfortunate for my children (who are the real victims in all of this)

Today, I still have my faith, but I also understand the reality of the situation. If I am to make a lifelong commitment to someone, I want to make DAMN sure it is someone I can wake up to for the rest of my life.

Im sure god would have forgiven me for moving in with him first heh. And my children wouldnt have to go through all of the crap that comes with divorce. It really is awful.
 

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*sigh* I was born in the wrong country.

I come from the land of arranged marriages, so just the fact that I'm dating a Canadian is a big enough problem for my conservative family. And I moved out a year ago to live on my own (which is practically unheard of... we typically live in our parental homes till we get married.)

Now this. We don't want to get married. Eventually, maybe. Not for another few years. But living together would ensure that my family and community will shun me, throw me out and judge me. Not that they haven't already... I am an Indian woman (in India) who lives alone, after all.

So there ya have it. I get to make the choice-- again-- parents and community or guy who I may hate in five years. (And I can't move... we both have great careers here. That's one thing we're both not ready to sacrifice.)

Suggestions?
 

CaroGirl

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You sound like the sort of person, based on some of the choices you've already made in the context of your environment, who is bound to alienate your family no matter what you do. Unless you revert to completely disregarding what you want and making only the choices your family wants for you. You have already set yourself on a rebellious road, and I think you will only be happy if you continue on it. Face it, nothing you do will please your family.

You could always move to Canada. Like snow?
 

WackAMole

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KitKat said:
*sigh* I was born in the wrong country.

I come from the land of arranged marriages, so just the fact that I'm dating a Canadian is a big enough problem for my conservative family. And I moved out a year ago to live on my own (which is practically unheard of... we typically live in our parental homes till we get married.)

Now this. We don't want to get married. Eventually, maybe. Not for another few years. But living together would ensure that my family and community will shun me, throw me out and judge me. Not that they haven't already... I am an Indian woman (in India) who lives alone, after all.

So there ya have it. I get to make the choice-- again-- parents and community or guy who I may hate in five years. (And I can't move... we both have great careers here. That's one thing we're both not ready to sacrifice.)

Suggestions?

Omg, that really is a difficult situation. The only little thing I can offer is this...
Being gay, I had to make a choice to hide or be open about it with my parents. At some point I realized I cared enough about my girlfriend to just be honest with my parents, who I was certain would never speak to me again.
We still speak, though my community is very small and quite judgemental. I am not open per se around town with her as it could get us hurt or our property damaged. Redneckville..

My parents have accepted this..the community is another story.

It seems as if you dont want to get married yet..so I would say "don't".
As for living together, I guess you have to decided whether or not making this move is worth the repurcussions that may follow. Your culture is probably very different than mine so I cant pretend to even begin to understand what the repurcussions may be for you. Repurcussions for me might have been that my parents may have chosen to never speak to me again. For you, it could be a more serious issue. I wish I could help you more because I feel for you! Good luck!
 

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Seeing your location, I half-expected that kind of reply.

Dress him up like a girl and tell people he's your roommate. That always works.

-Derek
 

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living together and still hoping to get married has always seemed pretty illogical to me.

ppl like to pretend like theyre in this committed relationship w the love of their life, and yet, they still want the option to just walk away.

personally, i think it's good that divorce is so messy and long. it should be a complicated process & you shouldnt be done just b/c of "irreconcible" differences that you discover 10 years after the fact.

youre either committed or youre not. you should know if youre committed before you move in w some1.

and, unfortunately, it also means that you get none of the legal/insurance benefits of being a spouse. even worse if you have kids. :Shrug:
 

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I married my wife almost 15 years ago, after having known her for less than 6 months, and having dated her for fewer than 6 weeks.

My best friend just married his high school sweetheart, who has been living with him since high school, nigh unto 12 years ago.

Different strokes for different folks. It's all good. You're lucky enough to find someone you can love and be loved by in this world. Why worry about the trappings?
 

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Bravo said:
living together and still hoping to get married has always seemed pretty illogical to me.

ppl like to pretend like theyre in this committed relationship w the love of their life, and yet, they still want the option to just walk away.

personally, i think it's good that divorce is so messy and long. it should be a complicated process & you shouldnt be done just b/c of "irreconcible" differences that you discover 10 years after the fact.

youre either committed or youre not. you should know if youre committed before you move in w some1.

and, unfortunately, it also means that you get none of the legal/insurance benefits of being a spouse. even worse if you have kids. :Shrug:

Circumstance plays a factor here. Though I agree that divorce shouldnt be easy, I disagree when you say people just want the option to walk away. I can tell you without one single spec of hesitation, that I would have given my eye teeth to make my marriage work. But there are things that could not be foreseen, such as the fact that he was financially irresponsible, that he would embezzle 40,000 dollars from his employer, that he was a complete slob.

How much can you really understand someone without living with them? I got married without living with him OR sleeping with him. Two years into the marriage I knew he was a slob. 13 years later, I gave up and TODAY I realize that I never really knew him when I decided to marry him. Had I not been so tied up in my religious beliefs I would have moved in with him first..and I really wanted to. Because of my beliefs I chose not to. But had I lived with him first, I would NEVER have married him.

There is no question I was committed to him when I married him. But commitment goes two ways. From my perspective, I truly believe no one WANTS a divorce. It happens sometimes. But it doesnt make us somehow non-commital.
 

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Bravo said:
living together and still hoping to get married has always seemed pretty illogical to me.

ppl like to pretend like theyre in this committed relationship w the love of their life, and yet, they still want the option to just walk away.

personally, i think it's good that divorce is so messy and long. it should be a complicated process & you shouldnt be done just b/c of "irreconcible" differences that you discover 10 years after the fact.

Personally, I think the messy, complicated process is at the wrong end. It should be more difficult to get married, not divorced. Marriage is too important and too life-changing to base it solely on something as flimsy as love. Yes, I'm a cynic (realist?).
 
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MeowGirl said:
It should be more difficult to get married, not divorced.

Yes and to have children as well.

I just can't get the kinks out of my birth control ray gun. It's still too dangerous to be used on humans.
:(

But I'm working on it.
 

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Follow your heart.

Life is too short to live it only for other people. It sounds as though you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, so you may as well do whatever makes you happy.

Here in the US, living together first is practically the norm now. I lived with my husband for over a year before we got married. We bought a house together before we got married. Like a 30-year mortgage commitment was okay, but a lifetime commitment needed some more thinkin' on.

If you're not ready to get married, then don't. Weigh the pros and cons of living together, and don't make a move until you're absolutely sure that you (and he) can live with the consequences.
 

WackAMole

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MeowGirl said:
Personally, I think the messy, complicated process is at the wrong end. It should be more difficult to get married, not divorced. Marriage is too important and too life-changing to base it solely on something as flimsy as love. Yes, I'm a cynic (realist?).

I agree! Its all backwards isnt it?
 

WackAMole

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billythrilly7th said:
Yes and to have children as well.

I just can't get the kinks out of my birth control ray gun. It's still too dangerous to be used on humans.
:(

But I'm working on it.

LOL sad but also true! Though I can't imagine life without my girls!
 

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That's the thing. There's no guarantee that it will lead to marriage. There's no guarantee that it will work. There's no guarantee. Impermanence. I get it. I believe it. And I'm open to change.

However, people are not.

Two women I know had very-secret live-in relationships (I have no intention of keeping anything secret), and in both cases, they didn't work. Word did spread around in the community, and now they're both "used goods" (sorry... it's just the damn society we live in.) No "good" Indian man will want to be with them.

Not that I want to have the option of being with men who're still stuck in the dark ages, but I don't want to have to walk around in my own city and community feeling like I've committed an unforgivable sin.

At the same time, I don't want to run away to a foreign country simply because a few million people believe that the way I choose to live my life is immoral.

My visa application for Paris lies in front of me. And I'm finding that running away is harder than I thought. Can't run away from yourself, I guess.
 
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WackAMole

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KitKat said:
That's the thing. There's no guarantee that it will lead to marriage. There's no guarantee that it will work. There's no guarantee. Impermanence. I get it. I believe it. And I'm open to change.

However, people are not.

Two women I know had very-secret live-in relationships (I have no intention of keeping anything secret), and in both cases, they didn't work. Word did spread around in the community, and now they're both "used goods" (sorry... it's just the damn society we live in.) No "good" Indian man will want to be with them.

Not that I want to have the option of being with men who're still stuck in the dark ages, but I don't want to have to walk around in my own city and community feeling like I've committed an unforgivable sin.

At the same time, I don't want to run away to a foreign country simply because a few million believe that the way I choose to live my life is immoral.

My visa application for Paris lies in front of me. And I'm finding that running away is harder than I thought. Can't run away from yourself, I guess.

Terrible situation to be in. But if I can offer you this, I really believe that when you meet that right person, you will know the right answer.

ACk thats so cliche..what im trying to say is..when what you have to give up in terms of your environment is less important than the thought of losing the person you are with, I think the answer becomes more clear.

At this stage of the relationship, it doesnt sound like you know if you feel enough for him to trust him with the sacrifices you would have to make to be with him.
 
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