I need help for a change.

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joecalabre

Hey all,
You read it right, I need help for a change. I'm working on a new comedy (first one of that genre) and I'm not sure if the opening scene is too dark. It's still rough so disregard everything but tone. Love to hear your thoughts.


INT. LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM - DAY
The sun peeks though the dainty lace curtain to enhance the cuteness of this small pink and white room.

SUPER: Suburban Philadelphia, Spring of 1985.

Sweet, ANGELIC VOICES ring throughout the room, singing...

BARBARA (O.S.)
Hands on shoulders, hands on knees.

KATIE (O.S.)
Hands behind you, if you please;

Two twin girls, BARBARA AND KATIE JENNINGS, 8, in pig tails and
Sunday dresses, sit in the middle of the room on opposite sides of WHAT APPEARS TO BE a broken, free-standing dresser mirror, it’s glass long since removed.

They SING an old nursery rhyme and MIMIC the actions sung, as if mirror images of each other.

BARBARA
Touch your shoulders,*now your nose.

KATIE
Now your hair and now your toes.

It is UNCANNY how alike the two girls are-- not just in appearance and dress but also in their actions.

BARBARA
Hands up high in the air, Down at your sides, and touch your hair.

KATIE
Hands up high as before,*Now clap your hands, one-two-three-four!

They CLAP in unison and GIGGLE.

On each girl’s lap rests identical porcelain dolls. They simultaneously pick them up and brush the dolls’ hair.

Each brush stroke to their dolls are perfectly in sync as they sing together ANOTHER RHYME.

KATIE
Five little jack-o-lanterns sitting on a gate. The 1st one said, "It's getting--

Outside, A CAR HORN HONKS.

Within seconds, a their mother abruptly enters.

MRS. JENNINGS, 30’s, a very pretty woman, toting a glass of scotch and smoking a slim cigarette, is obviously drunk. Dressed in the latest punky fashion of the eighties, she looks a little too old to be a Duran Duran fan.

MRS. JENNINGS
Are you deaf? Your father won’t wait forever.

The horn HONKS again.

Mrs. Jennings rushes to the window, pulls back the curtains and
YELLS OUT.

MRS. JENNINGS
All right! Hold your horses, Jerk!

FROM THE WINDOW -
A shiny, new red convertible sits in the driveway.

BOB JENNINGS, just turned 40 and dressed in a flashy Hawaiian shirt, leans on the horn and yells back up to her.

MR. JENNINGS
Come on Margo! I don’t have all day! Sandra and I have a flight to catch.

Next to him sits a beautiful blond, SANDRA, early 20’s. She’s apparently annoyed as she whines away.

SANDRA
Frank. We’re going to be late.

MR. JENNINGS
Okay baby, let me just say bye and we’re off to start our lives-- together.

Sandra has everything Mrs. Jennings once had, including her husband.

BACK INSIDE -
As Mrs. Jennings turns back inside, she flicks her cigarette out of the window and apparently onto the hood of Mr. Jennings new car.

The car horn honks again, along with some INDISCERNIBLE OBSCENITIES.

MRS. JENNINGS
Are you gonna say your good-byes to that @#%$ father of yours? God! Now, I have a headache!

The two girls just stare blankly at her.

MRS. JENNINGS
Fine. Be that way. See if I care. I’m going to lay down for a while-- there’s fluffer-nutter in the fridge if you’re hungry.

She sips her drink as she swaggers down the hall and out of sight.

The girls wait quietly until A DOOR SLAMS.

BARBARA
Did Daddy leave because of us? Did we do something wrong?

KATIE
I didn’t do anything. It’s your fault.

BARBARA
No. Don’t say that.

KATIE
Then it’s daddy’s fault. He loves Sandra more than he loves us.

They turn their heads towards the window as the SOUND of their FATHER’S CAR heads down the street.

As it grows fainter and fainter, Barbara starts to cry.

BARBARA
Daddy?

KATIE
Men. They’re all alike.

With that said, Katie throws her doll at the mirror image of her twin and...

Suddenly, THE MIRROR SHATTERS and the pieces fall to the floor, revealing it wasn’t a broken mirror after all.

Barbara sits alone in the room. Barbara and Katie are...

ONE IN THE SAME.

BARBARA
That wasn’t nice. Mommy will be mad.

Barbara’s face CHANGES EXPRESSION as Katie’s personality and voice comes through her.

KATIE
Like she’ll notice anything in her “condition.”

BARBARA
You’re mean. Go away!

KATIE
No. You go away.

BARBARA
I don’t like you anymore. I wish you would leave-- forever.

KATIE
Fine. Be that way. You deal with them.

Barbara’s expression changes to sadness and after a long moment of silence she calls out.

BARBARA
Katie? Are you there? I’m sorry, come back. Katie?
FADE TO:
 

NikeeGoddess

quick edit

INT. LITTLE GIRL’S ROOM - DAY
should be GIRLS' ROOM

SUPER: Suburban Philadelphia, Spring of 1985.

Sweet, ANGELIC VOICES ring throughout the room, singing...
no caps necessary


Two twin girls, BARBARA AND KATIE JENNINGS, 8, in pig tails and (the word "two" is redundant)
... of WHAT APPEARS TO BE a broken, free-standing dresser mirror, it’s glass long since removed.
no caps necessary here either

They SING an old nursery rhyme and MIMIC the actions sung, as if mirror images of each other.
("as if" - too weak, just say it like it is ie - "face to face" - and no caps)

BARBARA
Touch your shoulders, now your nose.

KATIE
Now your hair and now your toes.

It is UNCANNY how alike the two girls are-- not just in appearance and dress but also in their actions.
it is never uncanny for twins to look and act alike


They CLAP in unison and GIGGLE.
no caps!

Each brush stroke to their dolls are perfectly in sync as they sing together ANOTHER RHYME.
"another rhyme" - redundant

KATIE
Five little jack-o-lanterns sitting on a gate. The 1st one said, "It's getting--
cut "

Outside, A CAR HORN HONKS.

Within seconds, a their mother abruptly enters.

MRS. JENNINGS, 30’s, a very pretty woman, toting a glass of scotch and smoking a slim cigarette, is obviously drunk. Dressed in the latest punky fashion of the eighties, she looks a little too old to be a Duran Duran fan.

MRS. JENNINGS
Are you deaf? Your father won’t wait forever.

The horn HONKS again.

Mrs. Jennings rushes to the window, pulls back the curtains and
YELLS OUT.
too many words - can just say she yells out the window b/c a drunk woman doesn't rush anywhere ;)

MRS. JENNINGS
All right! Hold your horses, Jerk!

FROM THE WINDOW -
A shiny, new red convertible sits in the driveway.

BOB JENNINGS, just turned 40 and dressed in a flashy Hawaiian shirt, leans on the horn and yells back up to her.

MR. JENNINGS
Come on Margo! I don’t have all day! Sandra and I have a flight to catch.
who is who: Bob, Mr. Mrs. Jennings - be consistent w/names and tell us their relation

Next to him sits a beautiful blond, SANDRA, early 20’s. She’s apparently annoyed as she whines away.

SANDRA
Frank. We’re going to be late.

MR. JENNINGS
....we’re off to start our lives-- together.
do you know any man who has EVER said these words?!

Sandra has everything Mrs. Jennings once had, including her husband.
cut this - can be seen as action on the screen

BACK INSIDE -
As Mrs. Jennings turns back inside, she flicks her cigarette out of the window and apparently onto the hood of Mr. Jennings new car. cut "apparently" - did she or didn't she?

The car horn honks again, along with some INDISCERNIBLE OBSCENITIES.
does he hit the horn every time WHO? speak obscenities. is it a purposeful way of blotting out her voice? and cut the caps!

ok - sorry, i didn't finish it all or even bother to answer your question about the tone. the tone is kind of neutral so far but, more importantly i felt the need to edit which is not a good sign. first impressions are important.

write on!
 

joecalabre

Re: quick edit

Thanks Nikee, but as I said, I just started (today in fact) so it's rough.

What I really need right now is tone. Does it work for the first scene in a comedy or not?

As for caps (and I know a long heated debate will follow) I use to emphasise action. Call it my trademark.
 

SimonSays

This does not read like the first scene of a comedy. Not because it's dark, but primarily because it's not funny. In fact because of the way it's written and the whole twins - no it's one person set-up it reads more like the first scene of some sort of psychological thriller.

You might want to try rewriting the scene in a more comic tone - even if the events of the scene remain the same. Have humor in your descriptions - for example give specific, funny visuals about Mrs. Jennings appearance. Have humor in the dialogue between the father and the new wife, make some of the mother's angry lines funny and angry, not just angry.

Comedy is really tough to do. Good luck.
 

dchapma123

Well, it certainly doesn't scream COMEDY. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't work in context of the rest of the script. "Ghostbusters", after all starts with a rather frightening scene of a librarian being...attacked, I guess, by a ghost. I don't recall anything comedic about the scene at all, but I don't think the rest of the movie suffers as a result.

As for your script, I don't know how dark your comedy is going to be. This tone of this scene might work well or be horribly out of place. It's impossible to tell without the rest of the script. I suggest you put this scene out of your mind for now and focus on the rest of the story. But if you're writing a comedy, don't FORGET that you're writing a comedy.
 

Writing Again

This does not read like the first scene of a comedy. Not because it's dark, but primarily because it's not funny. In fact because of the way it's written and the whole twins - no it's one person set-up it reads more like the first scene of some sort of psychological thriller.

I would have said it different, but it would mean the same.

Ghost busters? I did not take that first scene seriously. And the ghost itself wasn't "spooky." At least to me. But no, it was not a hilarious start, but it did set the tone.
 

Writing Again

Okay, I took some liberties here. I'm not qualified yet to discuss caps or no caps, and / or a couple of the other things Nikee discussed. Format and I have been introduced, but we are not intimate at this point in time.

What follows could be all wrong for what you want, but I kind of like the "sweet and sour" touch the ending gives when her friend does not answer.

I put my changes in bold. I did not do this to offend you, and I won't be offended if you don't like any of my suggestions: perhaps they might give you a better idea.





INT. LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM - DAY
The sun peeks though the dainty lace curtain to enhance the cuteness of this small pink and white room.

SUPER: Suburban Philadelphia, Spring of 1985.

Two twin girls, BARBARA AND KATIE JENNINGS, 8, in pig tails and Sunday dresses, sit in the middle of the room on opposite sides of WHAT APPEARS TO BE a broken, free-standing dresser mirror, it’s glass long since removed.

KATIE
Hands on shoulders, hands on knees.

BARBARA
Hands behind you, if you please;

Katie thumbs her nose at Barbara, making her laugh.

BARBARA
Touch your shoulders, now your nose.

KATIE
Now your hair and now your toes.

Barbara sticks her tongue out at Katie, they both laugh
.

They CLAP in unison and GIGGLE.

On each girl’s lap rests identical porcelain dolls. They simultaneously pick them up and brush the dolls’ hair.

Outside, A CAR HORN HONKS.

Within seconds, a their mother abruptly enters.

MRS. JENNINGS, 30’s, pretty, toting a glass of scotch and smoking a slim cigarette, is obviously drunk. Dressed in the latest punky fashion of the eighties, she looks a little too old to be a Duran Duran fan.

MRS. JENNINGS
Are you deaf? Your father won’t wait forever.

The horn HONKS again.

Mrs. Jennings rushes to the window, pulls back the curtains and
YELLS OUT.

MRS. JENNINGS
All right! Hold your horses, Jerk!

FROM THE WINDOW -
A shiny, new red convertible sits in the driveway.

----------------
In the next four paragraphs you call him, Bob, Frank, and Mr. Jennings.... I got confused too.
---------------------
BOB JENNINGS, just turned 40 and dressed in a flashy Hawaiian shirt, leans on the horn and yells back up to her.

MR. JENNINGS
Come on Margo! I don’t have all day! Sandra and I have a flight to catch.

Next to him sits a beautiful blond, SANDRA, early 20’s. She’s apparently annoyed as she whines away.

SANDRA
Frank. We’re going to be late.

MR. JENNINGS
Okay baby, let me just say bye. My flesh and blood that I love more than anything...

Sandra gives a "not again" eye roll.

MR. JENNINGS
Except you, Honey.

BACK INSIDE -
Mrs. Jennings takes careful aim with the cigarette, flicks it out the window as she turns back inside.

The cigarette drops into Sandra's crotch.

Sandra
The Bitch. She is trying to burn me up.

Mr. Jennings honks and screams obscenities at the window.


MRS. JENNINGS
Are you gonna say your good-byes to that @#%$ father of yours? God! Now, I have a headache!

The two girls just stare blankly at her.

MRS. JENNINGS
Fine. Be that way. See if I care. I’m going to lay down for a while-- there’s fluffer-nutter in the fridge if you’re hungry.

She sips her drink as she swaggers down the hall and out of sight.

The girls wait quietly until A DOOR SLAMS.

BARBARA
Did Daddy leave because of us? Did we do something wrong?

KATIE
I didn’t do anything. It’s your fault.

BARBARA
No. Don’t say that.

KATIE
Then it’s daddy’s fault. He loves Sandra more than he loves us.

They turn their heads towards the window as the SOUND of their FATHER’S CAR heads down the street.

As it grows fainter and fainter, Barbara starts to cry.

BARBARA
Daddy?

KATIE
Men. They’re all alike.

With that said, Katie throws her doll at the mirror image of her twin and...

Suddenly, THE MIRROR SHATTERS and the pieces fall to the floor, revealing it wasn’t a broken mirror after all.

Barbara sits alone in the room. Barbara and Katie are...

ONE IN THE SAME.

BARBARA
That wasn’t nice. Mommy will be mad.

Barbara’s face CHANGES EXPRESSION as Katie’s personality and voice comes through her.

KATIE
Like she’ll notice anything in her “condition.”

BARBARA
You’re mean. Go away!

KATIE
No. You go away.

BARBARA
I don’t like you anymore. I wish you would leave-- forever.

KATIE
Fine. Be that way. You deal with them.

Barbara’s expression changes to sadness and after a long moment of silence she calls out.

BARBARA
Katie? Are you there? I’m sorry, come back. Katie?
FADE TO:
 

dchapma123

Ghost busters? I did not take that first scene seriously. And the ghost itself wasn't "spooky." At least to me. But no, it was not a hilarious start, but it did set the tone.

Well, you also can't discount how much a director controls this stuff. If the director knows (and why wouldn't he?) that he's directing a comedy, he would likely take a less horrifying approach to a scene like that.
 

joecalabre

Comedy is tougher than I thought. I'm a scifi, fantasy, horror, thiller guy.

I personally thought the mother and father exchange was funny enough to carry the scene. Just goes to show you how tone plays a big part in estabishing Genre expectations.

Maybe we should start a new thread on what you think works (and doesn't) in writing comedy. Tips, suggestions, etc...

BTW. I love Ghostbusters and the opening scene was scary, but the over-the top reactions of the librarian and the music was funny too. Good blend.
 

SimonSays

Re: I need help for a change

Unless you can get Chris Rock, Mel Brooks and Dave Chappelle to contribute to a comedy tips board, I'm not sure how much value the tips on the board will be. And even if they did contribute, I'm not sure how much help it would be because being funny and being able to help other people be funny are two separate things.

There are some basic things that are genrally thought to be funny. Certain words are funny and there's the rule of three - always list things in threes because it's funnier than lists of two or 4 or five.

But these types of things alone will not make something funny. The key is that the writer needs to be funny. Everyone thinks they have a sense of humor but there's a difference between appreciating humor and creating it. It's largely about how you look at things and how you communicate the way you see them.

Comedy is also extremely subjective - you thought the exchange between the parents was funny - the French love Jerry Lewis - my sister hates South Park. There's a humor thread on this board, and I rarely see anything on that board that I find funny, but those who post on the board find each other absolutely hysterical.

You need to be sure that the brand of humor you have is not too esoteric. Do most people laugh or look confused when you say something you think is funny? You can learn how to tap into your own sense of humor and/or hone it by taking a good improv class. I'd suggest doing that above reading a book on humor writing.

This is one of those places where I'd also suggest reading some good comedy scripts - to get a feel for how other writers do a comic tone. But keep in mind their comic tone is organic to their comic minds. Elmore Leonard writes the way he writes because that's the type of humor he has.

And again I suggest that you rewrite your original scene trying to make it as funny as possible. See what you come up with. Experiment.
 

dpaterso

Joe, just follow your instincts and write whatever you think is funny. Law of averages says there's someone out there with your sense of humor who will find it equally funny -- you just need to meet that person. And hope they're a movie producer looking for a comedy script. I can almost guarantee it'll work out just fine.

I can't offer much in the way of tips and suggestions, just personal funny preferences (and sorry if I'm repeating myself with this): I don't think comedy is funny when it's from a disturbed 8-year-old kid's POV. I mean jeez, the poor kid thinks it's her fault her daddy drove away, and her mommy's an alky, and her imaginary friend is an evil @#%$. What's coming next? The cat dies? The house goes on fire? If you wanted to make this funny to suit my preferences then you'd have the kid pissing into mom's drink and sneaking up behind the car to stick a banana up the exhaust pipe and/or dropping some hideous doll smeared with ketchup onto the windscreen so the girlfriend craps her pants. The kid has fun, the adults suffer because they deserve to. Now that's funny. To me.

-Derek
-----------------------​
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies.
 

Writing Again

I can add a touch of humor to almost anything.

Americans like their humor in broadsides: The British are happy with subtle.

I am not sure a drunken mother would have to be a disaster. I remember one friend whose mother was a drunk, everyone loved her, she was just too fun to be a mommy.

She took us on a picnic to the Laundromat while she did laundry, fed us cake and ice cream and danced on the tables.

Of course as I recall most parents did not approve of her.

Think Carol Burnett.
 

Optimus Maximus

Eh...It's okay.

Not great, though. For a comedy, that is.

I'm not going to be addressing content except to agree that I didn't find this particularly funny/humorous. I write comedies, so I know that it's hard. Ostensibly, the "funny" is the most important part of a comedy script, content-wise. However, there are other things that contribute to the whole product, and tone is a salient one.

Having said that, the problem with your tone lies partially, yet significantly, in your narrative. To me, there are four types of tone: narrative, story, scene, and character. Sometimes they are interrelated. Sometimes they are orthogonal.

The story and scene tones in these pages are most noticeably negatively affected by the content (the unfunniness...if that's even a word). The tone of the characters here seem fine...for a drama/thriller, that is.

However, I think a key element to focus on immediately is developing a more comfortable narrative tone. The narrative you have now is very dry...almost clinical...and its style suggests a different genre than what you're shooting for.

The first line, "The sun peeks though the dainty lace curtain to enhance the cuteness of this small pink and white room," seems fine. It has a hint of light-heartedness. The narrative after it can go either way: up or down. It needs to go up (as in, up in comedic/comfortable tone), but it doesn't.

As the pages progress, the narrative becomes quite stale, IMO.

It's obvious to me that you write other genres because your narrative style is still stuck in those genres. Comedy requires a specific narrative style. Yours is way too serious to achieve your comedic goals.

It needs to be lighthearted, upbeat, sometimes even tongue-in-cheek.

For instance, say the scene was in a restaurant, and a girl was trying to non-verbally seduce a guy by sipping on her drink.

A serious narrative tone (like that from a drama, sci-fi, etc) might say something like:

The girl grasps her straw with her thumb and forefinger and begins to rub her lips on it in an up-and-down motion.

That's SO not comedic. For comedy would have to say...

The skank works the straw in her mouth like Jenna Jameson giving head.

That narrative in and of itself is not a laugh-out-loud joke, but it is light-hearted, somewhat funny, very visually descriptive, and doesn't take itself too seriously.

That's what your narrative should read like. My scripts all have a distinctive narrative voice. People comment on it after they read it, because they really like it. It keeps them not only involved in the story, but ensconced within the genre via its tone.

You should write comedy narrative like you're telling your best friend a funny story. Actually, you should write it like you're telling him the story of a funny thing that happened to YOU.

Make the narrative feel more personal. Like the reader is sitting next to you and laughing as you tell this tale.

Okay, I've rambled long enough.

Just remember, comedic narrative needs to be light, witty, personal, informal, and comfortable.

Comedy is ALL ABOUT CONTEXT. Your narrative creates that context. Bad narrative = bad context = not funny.

Write it like you're telling a funny story, not giving a speech.

Try it. Play around with it. I GUARANTEE you that if you just change your narrative and nothing else, your entire script will be drastically improved (maybe even funny! :p ).

HTH.

edited for spelling and to clarify a sentence or two.
 
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