joecalabre
Hey all,
You read it right, I need help for a change. I'm working on a new comedy (first one of that genre) and I'm not sure if the opening scene is too dark. It's still rough so disregard everything but tone. Love to hear your thoughts.
INT. LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM - DAY
The sun peeks though the dainty lace curtain to enhance the cuteness of this small pink and white room.
SUPER: Suburban Philadelphia, Spring of 1985.
Sweet, ANGELIC VOICES ring throughout the room, singing...
BARBARA (O.S.)
Hands on shoulders, hands on knees.
KATIE (O.S.)
Hands behind you, if you please;
Two twin girls, BARBARA AND KATIE JENNINGS, 8, in pig tails and
Sunday dresses, sit in the middle of the room on opposite sides of WHAT APPEARS TO BE a broken, free-standing dresser mirror, it’s glass long since removed.
They SING an old nursery rhyme and MIMIC the actions sung, as if mirror images of each other.
BARBARA
Touch your shoulders,*now your nose.
KATIE
Now your hair and now your toes.
It is UNCANNY how alike the two girls are-- not just in appearance and dress but also in their actions.
BARBARA
Hands up high in the air, Down at your sides, and touch your hair.
KATIE
Hands up high as before,*Now clap your hands, one-two-three-four!
They CLAP in unison and GIGGLE.
On each girl’s lap rests identical porcelain dolls. They simultaneously pick them up and brush the dolls’ hair.
Each brush stroke to their dolls are perfectly in sync as they sing together ANOTHER RHYME.
KATIE
Five little jack-o-lanterns sitting on a gate. The 1st one said, "It's getting--
Outside, A CAR HORN HONKS.
Within seconds, a their mother abruptly enters.
MRS. JENNINGS, 30’s, a very pretty woman, toting a glass of scotch and smoking a slim cigarette, is obviously drunk. Dressed in the latest punky fashion of the eighties, she looks a little too old to be a Duran Duran fan.
MRS. JENNINGS
Are you deaf? Your father won’t wait forever.
The horn HONKS again.
Mrs. Jennings rushes to the window, pulls back the curtains and
YELLS OUT.
MRS. JENNINGS
All right! Hold your horses, Jerk!
FROM THE WINDOW -
A shiny, new red convertible sits in the driveway.
BOB JENNINGS, just turned 40 and dressed in a flashy Hawaiian shirt, leans on the horn and yells back up to her.
MR. JENNINGS
Come on Margo! I don’t have all day! Sandra and I have a flight to catch.
Next to him sits a beautiful blond, SANDRA, early 20’s. She’s apparently annoyed as she whines away.
SANDRA
Frank. We’re going to be late.
MR. JENNINGS
Okay baby, let me just say bye and we’re off to start our lives-- together.
Sandra has everything Mrs. Jennings once had, including her husband.
BACK INSIDE -
As Mrs. Jennings turns back inside, she flicks her cigarette out of the window and apparently onto the hood of Mr. Jennings new car.
The car horn honks again, along with some INDISCERNIBLE OBSCENITIES.
MRS. JENNINGS
Are you gonna say your good-byes to that @#%$ father of yours? God! Now, I have a headache!
The two girls just stare blankly at her.
MRS. JENNINGS
Fine. Be that way. See if I care. I’m going to lay down for a while-- there’s fluffer-nutter in the fridge if you’re hungry.
She sips her drink as she swaggers down the hall and out of sight.
The girls wait quietly until A DOOR SLAMS.
BARBARA
Did Daddy leave because of us? Did we do something wrong?
KATIE
I didn’t do anything. It’s your fault.
BARBARA
No. Don’t say that.
KATIE
Then it’s daddy’s fault. He loves Sandra more than he loves us.
They turn their heads towards the window as the SOUND of their FATHER’S CAR heads down the street.
As it grows fainter and fainter, Barbara starts to cry.
BARBARA
Daddy?
KATIE
Men. They’re all alike.
With that said, Katie throws her doll at the mirror image of her twin and...
Suddenly, THE MIRROR SHATTERS and the pieces fall to the floor, revealing it wasn’t a broken mirror after all.
Barbara sits alone in the room. Barbara and Katie are...
ONE IN THE SAME.
BARBARA
That wasn’t nice. Mommy will be mad.
Barbara’s face CHANGES EXPRESSION as Katie’s personality and voice comes through her.
KATIE
Like she’ll notice anything in her “condition.”
BARBARA
You’re mean. Go away!
KATIE
No. You go away.
BARBARA
I don’t like you anymore. I wish you would leave-- forever.
KATIE
Fine. Be that way. You deal with them.
Barbara’s expression changes to sadness and after a long moment of silence she calls out.
BARBARA
Katie? Are you there? I’m sorry, come back. Katie?
FADE TO:
You read it right, I need help for a change. I'm working on a new comedy (first one of that genre) and I'm not sure if the opening scene is too dark. It's still rough so disregard everything but tone. Love to hear your thoughts.
INT. LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM - DAY
The sun peeks though the dainty lace curtain to enhance the cuteness of this small pink and white room.
SUPER: Suburban Philadelphia, Spring of 1985.
Sweet, ANGELIC VOICES ring throughout the room, singing...
BARBARA (O.S.)
Hands on shoulders, hands on knees.
KATIE (O.S.)
Hands behind you, if you please;
Two twin girls, BARBARA AND KATIE JENNINGS, 8, in pig tails and
Sunday dresses, sit in the middle of the room on opposite sides of WHAT APPEARS TO BE a broken, free-standing dresser mirror, it’s glass long since removed.
They SING an old nursery rhyme and MIMIC the actions sung, as if mirror images of each other.
BARBARA
Touch your shoulders,*now your nose.
KATIE
Now your hair and now your toes.
It is UNCANNY how alike the two girls are-- not just in appearance and dress but also in their actions.
BARBARA
Hands up high in the air, Down at your sides, and touch your hair.
KATIE
Hands up high as before,*Now clap your hands, one-two-three-four!
They CLAP in unison and GIGGLE.
On each girl’s lap rests identical porcelain dolls. They simultaneously pick them up and brush the dolls’ hair.
Each brush stroke to their dolls are perfectly in sync as they sing together ANOTHER RHYME.
KATIE
Five little jack-o-lanterns sitting on a gate. The 1st one said, "It's getting--
Outside, A CAR HORN HONKS.
Within seconds, a their mother abruptly enters.
MRS. JENNINGS, 30’s, a very pretty woman, toting a glass of scotch and smoking a slim cigarette, is obviously drunk. Dressed in the latest punky fashion of the eighties, she looks a little too old to be a Duran Duran fan.
MRS. JENNINGS
Are you deaf? Your father won’t wait forever.
The horn HONKS again.
Mrs. Jennings rushes to the window, pulls back the curtains and
YELLS OUT.
MRS. JENNINGS
All right! Hold your horses, Jerk!
FROM THE WINDOW -
A shiny, new red convertible sits in the driveway.
BOB JENNINGS, just turned 40 and dressed in a flashy Hawaiian shirt, leans on the horn and yells back up to her.
MR. JENNINGS
Come on Margo! I don’t have all day! Sandra and I have a flight to catch.
Next to him sits a beautiful blond, SANDRA, early 20’s. She’s apparently annoyed as she whines away.
SANDRA
Frank. We’re going to be late.
MR. JENNINGS
Okay baby, let me just say bye and we’re off to start our lives-- together.
Sandra has everything Mrs. Jennings once had, including her husband.
BACK INSIDE -
As Mrs. Jennings turns back inside, she flicks her cigarette out of the window and apparently onto the hood of Mr. Jennings new car.
The car horn honks again, along with some INDISCERNIBLE OBSCENITIES.
MRS. JENNINGS
Are you gonna say your good-byes to that @#%$ father of yours? God! Now, I have a headache!
The two girls just stare blankly at her.
MRS. JENNINGS
Fine. Be that way. See if I care. I’m going to lay down for a while-- there’s fluffer-nutter in the fridge if you’re hungry.
She sips her drink as she swaggers down the hall and out of sight.
The girls wait quietly until A DOOR SLAMS.
BARBARA
Did Daddy leave because of us? Did we do something wrong?
KATIE
I didn’t do anything. It’s your fault.
BARBARA
No. Don’t say that.
KATIE
Then it’s daddy’s fault. He loves Sandra more than he loves us.
They turn their heads towards the window as the SOUND of their FATHER’S CAR heads down the street.
As it grows fainter and fainter, Barbara starts to cry.
BARBARA
Daddy?
KATIE
Men. They’re all alike.
With that said, Katie throws her doll at the mirror image of her twin and...
Suddenly, THE MIRROR SHATTERS and the pieces fall to the floor, revealing it wasn’t a broken mirror after all.
Barbara sits alone in the room. Barbara and Katie are...
ONE IN THE SAME.
BARBARA
That wasn’t nice. Mommy will be mad.
Barbara’s face CHANGES EXPRESSION as Katie’s personality and voice comes through her.
KATIE
Like she’ll notice anything in her “condition.”
BARBARA
You’re mean. Go away!
KATIE
No. You go away.
BARBARA
I don’t like you anymore. I wish you would leave-- forever.
KATIE
Fine. Be that way. You deal with them.
Barbara’s expression changes to sadness and after a long moment of silence she calls out.
BARBARA
Katie? Are you there? I’m sorry, come back. Katie?
FADE TO: