The Pete & Carrie Variety Hour

PeeDee

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Carrie and I have spoken back and forth across the private message line for a while now. It's just the thing we do. It probably started when I attacked her with the first draft of my novel and she attacked me with handy and helpful notes.

Anyway, somewhere in there, we began to discuss murder. I think it's probably a logical chain of events.

I posted the following snippet, in humorous regard to being a writer in prison:

The following posts from us are What Happened.
 

PeeDee

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*RING *RING

GUARD: Westfield State Penitentiary
CARRIE: Hi, I just had a couple of quick questions...
GUARD: Ma'am?
CARRIE: Yes. I was wondering, if someone were hypothetically in prison -- you know, not me, maybe a friend -- would they have internet access?
GUARD: No, ma'am.
CARRIE: Oh. Well. Hypothetically...I...I mean, my friend....wonders if you get cable television? Or maybe I -- my friend -- could be let out to use the internet at the library?
GUARD: No, ma'am.
CARRIE: Why NOT!?
GUARD: It's a prison....ma'am....can I ask why you're calling?
CARRIE: No reason. My friend just wanted to know, and she's....allergic...to...phones.
GUARD: Ma'am, where are you located, please?
CARRIE: Nowhere very much. Say, do you know what the return policy is on hatchets?
GUARD: Ma'am, give me your address right now!
CARRIE: Kay, bye!

*CLICK*
 

Carrie in PA

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3 AM

PETE: Hulgmpfpo?

CARRIE: Hey. I need you to bail me out.

PETE: Spooky?

CARRIE: Uh, no...

PETE: dclary?

CARRIE: God, no. Listen. I need your help. By some - uh -
bizarre concidence, all the people I'm mad at got fed
through a woodchipper last night.

PETE: Carrie??!! I didn't think you were serious!

CARRIE: Ummm, I had nothing to do with it. Really.

PETE: (skeptical) Ok...

CARRIE: Anyhow. I thought of you because this prison is so
cool. You could totally use it as a setting.
Brownstone, spires, the whole works.

PETE: (interest piqued) Go on.

CARRIE: The one guard looks like a Troll. And I swear the
other one looks like the Elf King.

PETE: (mostly awake) You realize I'd have to travel
from Minnefrickingsota?

CARRIE: I'll make you a huge pot of tea.

PETE: (considering it) Eh, I'm not sure...

CARRIE: I'll give you five bucks.

PETE: I'm on my way! (poking wife) Honey, I have to go
to Pennsylvania to bail one of the AWers out.

PETE'S LOVELY WIFE: AGAIN?!?! What is WITH those
people?!

Somewhere in the dark, SPOOKY awakens with the oddest
feeling that he's being talked about.
 

PeeDee

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PETE: Hello! I am here to have Carrie released. As you can see, from my robes, I am a judge.

GUARD: (very astutely): No, you are not. Go away.

PETE: You are out of line! I find you in contempt of court! Um....order in this room!

(there is no one in the hallway but the Guard,with his gun and taser, and Pete, with his black robes.)

PETE: ......okay, good job soldier. That was a little test, to see how sturdy this prison was. Good job! Carrie and I are from the government, we're testing prisons, and we've decided that you've passed the test. So. If you could release my colleague, we'll be on our way.

GUARD: Your colleague fed more people than I can count into a wood chipper.

PETE: Pfft. Industrial accident. They tripped, my colleague tried to help them get up.

GUARD: She was stomping up and down on their scattered remains when we found her.

PETE: ........CPR. She was trying to resuscitate them.

GUARD: Go away, will you? Or I'll lock you up.

PETE: Listen, you're making me angry. You....you might not....like me....when I'm angry....

The GUARD is not impressed.

PETE: Oh my god, what's that over there!?

The GUARD looks, but it makes no difference since the door is locked anyway.

The GUARD sees SPOOKYWRITER wearing nothing but a Hula Skirt which doesn't have nearly enough grass strands in it.

GUARD: AGGGGHHH!!! MY eyes! My throat! MY glubglubglub....

Also, the DOOR falls off.

PETE: Right! Carrie! Let's go! Spooky! Put some damn pants on so I can take this blindfold off.

SPOOKY: Durpey! Durpey Doo!
 

Carrie in PA

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PETE, CARRIE and SPOOKY run down a long corridor, along a row of cells.

SPOOKY: glurksfunkarp

PETE and CARRIE turn around to see a greenish arm has SPOOKY by the throat.

PETE: STAY BACK! It's a Goblin!

CARRIE: No, wait! Look!

PETE: Oh. It's DCLARY.

CARRIE: Should we help SPOOKY?

PETE: I guess so...

SPOOKY: help... me... qlergkuk

DCLARY: He's faking! Run!

DCLARY pulls SPOOKY tight against the bars and bites into his neck.

A BROWN SPOT darts into the cell and jams a syringe into DCLARY'S neck.

DCLARY: (losing consciousness) HAGGIS, you bastard! I'll get you, you little f**k!

SPOOKY: (falls to the ground, gasping) PETE! Why didn't you help me?

PETE: I'm a judge, not a fricking SWAT team. Let's go!
 
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PeeDee

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PETE, CARRIE & HAGGIS all run along. SPOOKY Hobbles along just behind.

PETE: We'll make better time, now that Spooky is dead.

SPOOKY: ....'m not dead....

CARRIE: Shame about him though.

SPOOKY: Er. Hello?

HAGGIS (points): Roly Rit, Rarrie! Ruards!

PETE: What?

CARRIE: I believe he is referring to the large body of unprincipled men who come quickly toward us from up ahead, all of them wearing heavy armor as well as bearing large assault rifles, the sort of things which can truly put a dent in your day and indeed your skull, haha, for Lo! doth the Lord say--

PETE: This is why you were in jail.

HAGGIS: Run aray, ruys! Ruh-roh!

PETE: Alas, if only Spooky were here, he and I could take on this 'yere SWAT team. Spooky and I were in the military together, you know. I mourn him like a brother.

SPOOKY: I'm right here. My leg hurts.

CARRIE: I can almost hear his voice.

HAGGIS: Ruys? Rhat rhe ruck!?

PETE: Fear not. I can deal with this SWAT team. Stand back while I change!

in a BLUR OF MOTION (sfx) PETE changes into jeans, boots, suspenders, a red plaid shirt, and a woolen cap. He has also mysteriously grown a handlebar mustache and about ten pounds of arm hair.

PETE: Haaaaaaa! Hae're we go, lads and lassies! Eh! I'm aboot too seeve oos!

The SWAT team clatters to a halt in front of the group. Everyone cringes before the weapons.

CARRIE: Friend Spooky, soon I shall join you in the great beyond!

SPOOKY: I'm not there. Not yet....about to be though..........

HAGGIS: Ri rit ry rants.

PETE: Ooooooooh, I'm a lumberjack, laddies wit te' gunnns! Haaaaa!

PETE winks suggestively.

PETE: Five dollars is oool ye' need ter fufill yer dreams! Coome on! Big boys!
 

aadams73

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:roll:

I just choked on my tea. You two are insane, but in a very good way.
 

Carrie in PA

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CARRIE: WTF? PETE, quit showboating. You're going to get your a$$ kicked.

PETE: (deeply offended) That's IT, I'm stomping out of here.

CARRIE: (grabs Pete by the... ear) Come ON!

SPOOKY: Where we gooooooing? My leg still hurrrrrrrrrrts.

PETE: Gad, I can still hear his incessant whining from the great beyond!

SPOOKY: (really whining) Dammit, I'm not deeeeeeeeeaaaaaaddddduh! Will you guys stop saying I'm deeeeeeeaaaaddd?

HAGGIS: Rook! A rickup ruck!

PETE dashes for the driver's side, then realizes he can't drive.

PETE: Uh, someone else will have to drive.

HAGGIS: Ry regs are too rort!

SPOOKY: I'll drive!

CARRIE: ARGH! Since nobody else will do it, I'll drive! Move over!

CARRIE, PETE and HAGGIS jump into the cab of the pickup, slamming the doors.

SPOOKY: (face pressed against window) Guys? Guys?!?!

The GUARDS are advancing on the truck. It roars to life.

SPOOKY leaps into the bed of the truck just as CARRIE peels out.

SPOOKY: Ooooooowwww!! Guyyyys, I hit my heeeeeaaad!!!

PETE: (shouting) Would someone make that godawful whining stop?!

HAGGIS climbs out the little window and a minute later climbs back in, his syringe now half-empty.

HAGGIS: Roblem rolved.

SPOOKY: Derpyyy dooooo (fades)

PETE: (listening) Aaaaahhhhh, that's MUCH better.

HAGGIS tries to climb into CARRIE's lap. She backhands him and he flies to the other side of the truck, landing by PETE's feet.

HAGGIS: Rit ras rorth a rot!

The GUARDS are soon out of sight. After a few miles, PETE begins bouncing in his seat, pointing.

PETE: OOOOH!! STOP THERE! STOP THERE!!

CARRIE: Where?

She sees the banner. MOONBUCKS - Over six hundred kinds of tea! She swerves across six lanes of traffic and jumps a median and three curbs.

SPOOKY: (laying in lane #4) Glurrrphngh

PETE: Dammit, I hear it AGAIN! Well, nevermind. Let's see what kind of tea they have!
 
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PeeDee

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PETE and CARRIE go into Moonbucks, to find tea. HAGGIS goes to find a bush.

SPOOKY, meanwhile, crawls across the lanes of traffic and up into the bed of the truck, where he curls up and whimpers for someone to hold him, preferably a large oiled man.

PETE and CARRIE return, sipping tea.

PETE: Carrie...?

CARRIE: Mmmm?

PETE: What is this in the truck?

CARRIE (looks): Oh, God....

PETE: Poor thing. It must have crawled in here to die.

HAGGIS: Runchtime?

CARRIE: It looks terrible.

PETE: Thank goodness nothing's hit its face.

CARRIE: Are you kidding? It's been mashed worse than ever there? Good lord. I mean, those must have been snow chains on the tires, or something.

PETE: My tea is getting cold.

CARRIE: Mine too.

PETE: Oh well. Let's go. Once it's stopped twitching, we can roll it out, hey?

CARRIE: Sure. Where to now? Get in, Haggis.

PETE (looks to the horizon): Iceland.....!

CARRIE: Er. In a truck?

PETE: Yes....!

CARRIE: What about the bit where the ocean's in the way?

PETE: We have no time to speak about this! We must drive! Hither and yon!

CARRIE: Your wife is ticked that you haven't come home yet, isn't she?

PETE: Quickly, no time for silly speaking! Now is the time for fast driving!

HAGGIS: Rineless ruck.

PETE: Vroom! Vroom!

CARRIE: Yes. I'm going.
 

Carrie in PA

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PETE (sipping from one of his 37 teas): This one sucks.

CARRIE: What is it?

PETE: Some mocha $hit, it almost tastes like coffee.Ick.

PETE opens truck window and tosses cup into bed,sending scalding liquid all over SPOOKY.

SPOOKY: OUCH!! DAMMIT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS ABUSE!

HAGGIS: Rid romebody ray romething?

CARRIE (shrugs): I didn't hear anything.

PETE (clutching head): That... VOICE! That accursed voice!

HAGGIS (gestures to syringe, mysteriously refilledwith a glowing greenish liquid): Rould you rike me to rive you a rittle romething?

PETE (shudders): Uh, no thanks.

SPOOKY (pounding on back window): SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING TO ME!

CARRIE (turning radio up): That's funny, it's not even cloudy, but I swear I hear thunder!

PETE (very matter-of-factly): It's just the Qualfings.

CARRIE and HAGGIS: The what??

PETE (looking surprised): You know, the Qualfings.(getting impatient) From the Lost Dimension?! GOD,don't you people know ANYTHING? I am SO stomping out of here! (grabs door handle)

CARRIE: Um, we're travelling at 85 MPH. If you would like to do a dramatic exit, I suggest you wait until I pull over.

PETE (pouts, crossing arms over chest and glaring outthe window): WhatEVER.

SPOOKY (weeping): Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease somebodysaaaaaaaay something to meeeeeeee, oh God,pleeeeeeease somebody TALK to meeeeeeee...

They approach the ocean.

CARRIE: Which way is Iceland?

PETE: That way.

CARRIE: You're sure?

PETE (mortally wounded): Of COURSE I'm sure!

CARRIE steers the truck into the ocean, heading toward Australia.

The truck handles magnificently in the water.Several days later, they see a flock of seagulls. The SEAGULLS swoop down into the bed of the truck,pecking at SPOOKY, who is still weeping, albeit tearlessly now.

PETE: I wonder what those seagulls are doing in theback of the truck?

HAGGIS: Reats me.

CARRIE: Oh, maybe the sugar from the tea you threw back there?

PETE: Yeah, I bet that's it.

The next day, land appears. They drive up onto theshore.

CARRIE: Um, I thought we were going to Iceland.

PETE (offended): This IS Iceland.

CARRIE: WTF is the Sydney Opera House doing inIceland?!

PETE (as haugtily as he can muster): For your INFORMATION, that is the ICELAND Opera House. Duh.

A KANGAROO springs into the back of the truck, landing on SPOOKY. The truck bounces hard from the impact.

SPOOKY: OOF! Somebody... help... me... can't...breathe... crushing... bones...

CARRIE: Wow! Thank goodness none of us were in the back! That could have been dangerous!

PETE: No kidding! Someone could have been hurt!

HAGGIS: I rotta ree.They exit the truck.

TOKEN PASSERBY: G'day mates!

CARRIE (muttering): Iceland, my a$$.
 

PeeDee

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PETE approaches one of the LOCALS

PETE: Hello. WHICH. WAY. TO. THE. CITY?

LOCAL: Eh? Somethin' wrong wif' yer ears, eh? Eh?

CARRIE: The scriptwriter does a very poor Australian accent, doesn't he?

PETE: Who?

CARRIE: You know. The bloke who's writing this bit of the dialogue? I mean, look, I've just said "bloke." Do I LOOK British to you?

PETE: Well....like a small percentage of British people, anyway....

PETE is struck swiftly around the head and shoulders by CARRIE, weilding HAGGIS.

HAGGIS: Rock rit roff!

SPOOKY: The saaaaaaand is buuuuurrrrnnnnning my feeeeeeeeet!

PETE: That low squeaky noise reminds me: We should get rid of the carcass in the back of the truck now.

CARRIE: Right. Well. I'm not touching it.

PETE: Fine.

PETE hauls SPOOKY out of the truck and rolls it down the beach. Also not inclined to touch it, he uses a large stick to roll it.

SPOOKY strikes a sharp rock, near the shore of Icelandic Australia and it punctures him. Suddenly, there is a shower of golden sparks, and then something rises out of the ashes of what was once SPOOKY.

PETE: What the hell? Look, everybody, a special guest! It's television's Rosie O'Donnell!

SPOOKY: It's me. I'm SPOOKY. We've got to talk.

CARRIE: Spooky! We wondered where you went? How'd you get to Australia?

PETE: Iceland, you must have meant.

CARRIE: Sure.

SPOOKY: Lo! This day, amidst all others, is a glorious and special day for truly hath the prophecy been fufilled, for it is written that ye unto thee shall strike the body hither and yon upon the rocks as a man who bleaches canvass might stone the sheet, he works day and night with sweat upon his brow until the rosy fingers of dawn hath turned into night and then he sleeps for a time but shall rise again the next day. For truly, hath thou freed me from that vile prison in which I was so long contained, that wreckless body of a man which is not who I am, for I am a woman and a round one at that, full of life and curves as the fjords of my native Iceland, though ye hath brought me unto the wrong---

PETE: So, the green stuff in that syringe, you're SURE it didn't make the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

HAGGIS: Rositive.

PETE: What about a super-hero? Like atomic man? Or demolition man? Or something?

HAGGIS: Ruck roff.

CARRIE: It's glowing green! It might make lost all my hair and teeth man but that's about it!

PETE: You are such a downer. And it looks like you went the wrong way too.

CARRIE: Whut?

PETE: There is neither snow, nor yaks, nor yurts. This isn't Iceland! You can't fool me!

CARRIE: Damn. I tried so hard. Oh darn.

PETE: I am smarter than that.

CARRIE: I have a hatchet.

SPOOKY: Hello!? I am SPEAKING.
 

Carrie in PA

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CARRIE: Did you say something?

PETE: Not me.

HAGGIS: Rot re, reither.

LOCAL: Ahoy, me matey! Arrrrrr, neither 'twas it me
that spoke!

SPOOKY: It was ME!! (begins flailing wildly about)
ME!! I'M RIGHT HERE!!! LOOK AT ME!!! (jumps up and
down)

CARRIE, PETE, HAGGIS and the LOCAL look at each other,
shrug.

A KANGAROO hops by and begins to eat SPOOKY.

PETE: What's that in its mouth?

CARRIE: A koala, maybe?

HAGGIS: Rooks rike a rat!

LOCAL: Nay, tis some kind 'o lizard.

PETE, CARRIE and HAGGIS nod in agreement.

SPOOKY (his legs and torso nearly devoured): SCREW
YOU! SCREW ALL OF YOU!!

The KANGAROO finishes his meal. A rumbling that
suspiciously sounds like "GO TO HELL, EVERY LAST ONE
OF YOU!" eminates from the KANGAROO's belly.

PETE: Huh. Well, that was rather anticlimactic.

CARRIE: Yup.

HAGGIS: Rup.

LOCAL: Shiver me timbers!
 

PeeDee

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LOCAL: Avast, me hearty, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!

PETE: Rum? Not tea, then.

LOCAL: Nay, puts haaaarrrr on yer chest!

PETE: This is good? Oh. Good.

KANGAROO combusts just off screen. No one seems to take any notice.

HAGGIS floats by.

HAGGIS: I say, old chums, what time's it then? Bloke?

CARRIE: What happened to your accent?

HAGGIS: Ah, sweet lass, there is never anything but the voice in which I speak, and it is truly thus.

PETE: Whatever. Tea?

CARRIE: Well, time to fly!

LOCAL: Yaarrrrr, my ship arrives! ARRRR!!

PETE: What's going on? Things have gotten surreal. What's this in my cup?

NARRATOR: It is coffee.

PETE: AAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!

CARRIE: I know! WHo knew we had a narrator?

PETE: What? Oh, that. I did. But this is COFFEE!!

And then, in a fit of terror, PETE wakes up. He bolts upright in bed, dripping sweat, cold in the nighttime air. He sits up fast enough to scare away the little form at the end of the bed, probably one of the cats, and the woman who sleeps next to him.

PETE: Thank God! It was all a dream!

CARRIE rolls over and looks groggily at him.

CARRIE: What'd you say, honey? You okay?

HAGGIS jumps back onto the bed.

HAGGIS: Rying ro rleep!

PETE: You're not my wife!

HAGGIS: Ro rhit, rherlock.

PETE: WHERE IS MY WIFE?

CARRIE: You needn't shout.

PETE scrambled frantically out of bed, which is a poor idea since the wall is so close. He strikes it with his face and....



......wakes up! It was all a dream!

PETE: Whoa! Honey? That you?

WIFE: Mggghhrhrrghrhrgghghr

PETE sighs in relief.

PETE: Thank goodness! Wow! No more Jambalaya just before bed! Wow, what a strange dream!

PETE falls back into a comfortable sleep, assured of the world around him, when the phone suddenly rings.

PETE looks at the clock.

3 AM

PETE: Hulgmpfpo?

ME: Hey. I need you to bail me out.

PETE: Spooky?

ME: Uh, no...
 

PeeDee

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THE END

(Carrie: This probably means we should collaberate on something serious too. Just to prove we can. One of these days.)
 

PeeDee

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I mean, Carrie and I should win some sort of award. Does AW have awards? We could call them the AWards (get it? get it!?)

If someone does the AWards, then we'd better get one, s'all I'm saying. Or else, I'll go lumberjack again.

(this exchange has been the high point of my week. Every time I was bogged down writing too many things for too many deadlines, I'd get a new installment and laugh away for ten minutes or so, then spend the rest of the day trying to come up with a reply.)
 

Carrie in PA

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PeeDee said:
I mean, Carrie and I should win some sort of award. Does AW have awards? We could call them the AWards (get it? get it!?)

If someone does the AWards, then we'd better get one, s'all I'm saying. Or else, I'll go lumberjack again.

We should at least be nominated for Best Comedy Collaboration. And if we don't win, I'll hold your tea while you Go Lumberjack. :roll:
 

jbal

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Reminded me of some Douglas Adams type stuff. Pete, that probably comes from you.
I've AWarded you rep points.
ETA: I'm glad I was here today.
 
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