Got screwed?

TsukiRyoko · Oct 20, 2006

This divorce is getting nasty, and I need to know if there is anything I can do about it.

My mother has been screwing my dad over in almost every aspect of this divorce. To leave out most of the details, she's emptied his checking account, snooped around on his screen name and changed everything, from his online bank account stuff to his password, and while she claims to be splitting everything 50/50, she's getting the most benefit. She has most of his stuff, his monye, and has even split my sister and my's visitation rights down; it still comes out about 50/50 in that area, but she still gets us more.

I was wondering if there's anything I can do to stop her. My dad is upset about all of this, but he's so passive about things that I doubt he'll do anything about it. I, on the other hand, refuse to stand by, oggling as my mother scrapes every nook and cranny and takes things from him.

I know I can use my age to my advantage in this because the court will listen. I just need to know how. I've done some research, looking up divorce laws and such, but I still feel I can do more.

Help?

Bartholomew · Oct 20, 2006

Well, hon, the first thing *I* would do is confront your mother.

If you can't appeal to the villian (and from what you've said, she is) -- confront your father and tell him everything. If you can't force one to be reasonable, you can likely goad the the other into defending himself.

Are there any social workers involved in the process? You're young enough that if you contact a social worker and express your concerns, you'll likely be heard out.

Good luck,

<Super Hugs>

TsukiRyoko · Oct 20, 2006

I've thought about confronting her (I usually have no problem doing this if it were any other situation; with her, I'm a hellraiser), but she's still my mother and some part of me is attached. Also, I think if I say anything to her, she can use it against him too, claiming he's "emotionally poisoning" us.

&^$^*&##^$^^*(%(&%(*&

And no social workers for me. My sister might be abother case, but I flat out refused to having any social workers involved if I could help it. Don't ask me why, I'm just a weird kid. However, it is becoming an appealing idea.... I'm still a minor, but pretty damn close to the close-off point (turning 17 VERY soon, not sure if I'm still legible).

BART! I could use some Chinese food right about now. Bring the ring. :tongue

SpookyWriter · Oct 20, 2006

In many states the legal age for a child to decide where they want to live (which parent) varies, but generally around 12 or 13. So, you can help to stop the insanity by moving in with your father. This way your mom will feel the pinch of child support payments each month which might change her attitude a little.

Sorry to hear that you're caught in the middle. I know how difficult it must be for you. I just hope you can continue to love each parent and try to understand it's a very difficult time for each.

Best wishes

Mom'sWrite · Oct 20, 2006

I know you are understandably upset by watching two people you love end their relationship. Naturally your first impulse would be to defend the "defenseless." That impulse does you credit. But here's the deal. No one will end up with a good deal here, the best you can hope for is that the process doesn't take years and sap all the assets out of the hands of the people who originally possessed them.

Don't take sides. I know that sounds like the dumbest bit of advice you ever heard. In a divorce situation everyone suffers, don't increase it by withholding love from one parent or playing secret agent. The consequences of that will only hurt you in the end. You don't get to choose your parents. You don't get to choose the way they run their relationships. But you do get the opportunity to forgive their shortcomings a lot.

Take lots of deep breaths and love them both regardless.

TsukiRyoko · Oct 20, 2006

I've thought about asking to live with him (believe me, I really, REALLY want to), because mom's downright crazy. However, I have a feeling that she'll use the rest of her life to turn mine into a living hell (she did it with her brother- crazy).

However, having those few years to screw HER over is worth it (after she drained the bank account, she had the nerve to ask for alimony (spelling?), then say that child support wasn't ****ing needed), and the possibility of not seeing her after I turn 18 is more than tempting....

Ugh, I hate the feeling of being mired in a situation I didn't want to be a part of in the first place. Bleck....

TrainofThought · Oct 20, 2006

Well Tsuki, I know what you are going through in a different way. My parents divorced in the early seventies, which was rare at the time. There was a lot of mental anguish. The sad thing is some parents never grow up. As a child, I always wondered whose fault it was but as an adult, I think about who stuck around. It doesn’t matter who is at fault or who asked for the divorce, what matters is the children, first.

In my opinion, this is between your parents. I know you want to step up to the plate, but they need to work it out on their own that isn’t your job. You are not responsible for sticking up for your dad. I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but he is a grown man. If he feels slighted then he needs to do something about it, not you.

I wish you luck with everything. Some day it will make sense and by then you will have a life of your own.

Concentrate on you!

A. Hamilton · Oct 20, 2006

I'm with Screenmom (edited to add, and Trainofthought also) on this one. I'm sure this is a very difficult situation for you. I suggest making it clear to your mother that you don't want to be a part of any of her underhanded dealings, and don't want to know about them (assuming she's told you already), nor do you approve, but I don't suggest running to your Dad and telling him. I'd bet he's pretty much figured it out, and this is his fight, whether he wants to remain passive through it is also up to him. Divorce can be a nasty time and people who otherwise may have integrity don't always behave at their best at this time. Try not to judge either of them for their behavior during this time and hopefully it will be over soon and you can salvage something good from the relationships.
I do think though that if you feel strongly about living with your Dad, you should speak up. You're old enough to have a say.
Good luck to you.

Bartholomew · Oct 20, 2006

TsukiRyoko said:
I've thought about confronting her (I usually have no problem doing this if it were any other situation; with her, I'm a hellraiser), but she's still my mother and some part of me is attached. Also, I think if I say anything to her, she can use it against him too, claiming he's "emotionally poisoning" us.
&^$^*&##^$^^*(%(&%(*&

And no social workers for me. My sister might be abother case, but I flat out refused to having any social workers involved if I could help it. Don't ask me why, I'm just a weird kid. However, it is becoming an appealing idea.... I'm still a minor, but pretty damn close to the close-off point (turning 17 VERY soon, not sure if I'm still legible).

BART! I could use some Chinese food right about now. Bring the ring.

Psh. If you get sick of the Meirda de Torro, I'll gladly let out my spare room.

The ring will be in the fortune cookie.

###

Get a social worker. I really think it'd help.

=\

B

TsukiRyoko · Oct 20, 2006

Ha, I couldn't take a spare room (though, I probably would....) I've been doing a lot of squatting lately, crashing friends', relatives', or neighbors' houses (that's why I haven't been on AW as much). I want to sleep in my own bed sometime soon, but it's not gonna happen.

...Go get me a pillow, I'm crashing.

writerterri · Oct 20, 2006

I'm sorry, honey. Follow the wise advise above and take care of yourself.

TsukiRyoko · Oct 20, 2006

Luckily, she isn't trying to get me in on her dealings. This makes things much easier. And, Dad isn't trying to pry info from me. While I do feel the need to tell him some things, I supress it because anything I say can be used against the other party.

I'd bet he's pretty much figured it out,

Sadly, the only thing he's figured out is that the Bible smells funny (he's a fanatical religious man). He hasn't researched anything, isn't getting a lawyer, nothing. All he's doing is reading the Bible. Even though God will help you through hard times, I'm sure he won't stop your wife from completely burying you in debt and leaving you with an empty wallet and fridge.

Fortunately, Mom hasn't changed her colors through this whole thing. She's always been borderline nuts, crooked as a dog's hind leg, and out only for herself. This divorce hasn't changed her a bit, not for the better, not for the worse. *sigh*

I do think though that if you feel strongly about living with your Dad, you should speak up. You're old enough to have a say.

I'm beginning to think so, too. While I still love Mom, it's getting way too dirty to stay with her. Because of all this, I won't be able to look at her the same way, and besides- living with her is far too stressful.

Thanks.

dclary · Oct 20, 2006

TsukiRyoko said:
This divorce is getting nasty, and I need to know if there is anything I can do about it.

My mother has been screwing my dad over in almost every aspect of this divorce. To leave out most of the details, she's emptied his checking account, snooped around on his screen name and changed everything, from his online bank account stuff to his password, and while she claims to be splitting everything 50/50, she's getting the most benefit. She has most of his stuff, his monye, and has even split my sister and my's visitation rights down; it still comes out about 50/50 in that area, but she still gets us more.

I was wondering if there's anything I can do to stop her. My dad is upset about all of this, but he's so passive about things that I doubt he'll do anything about it. I, on the other hand, refuse to stand by, oggling as my mother scrapes every nook and cranny and takes things from him.

I know I can use my age to my advantage in this because the court will listen. I just need to know how. I've done some research, looking up divorce laws and such, but I still feel I can do more.

Help?

Sorry to hear it, Tsuki... Best thing you can do? Just learn. Learn and be very careful who you make a legally binding lifelong commitment to when it's your turn.

Tiger · Oct 20, 2006

Yick. It must really suck being a teenager having to remind her parents to grow up.

Take care.

-D

whistlelock · Oct 20, 2006

Having lived through something similiar, I say don't get involved. This isn't about you. While you are caught in the middle, I suggest you not pick sides and keep your peace.

And when you can leave to live on your own, I suggest you do so.

Both my sister and I left as soon as we could, and we now live thousands of miles away from our parents.

We speak to them, on average, three times a year and see them once every few years. it works out.

Again, I say stay out of it and don't get involved. This will be hard enough on you for the rest of your life, you don't need the added burden of picking a side and that parent holding it against you.

Bartholomew · Oct 21, 2006

TsukiRyoko said:
Ha, I couldn't take a spare room (though, I probably would....) I've been doing a lot of squatting lately, crashing friends', relatives', or neighbors' houses (that's why I haven't been on AW as much). I want to sleep in my own bed sometime soon, but it's not gonna happen.

...Go get me a pillow, I'm crashing.

Sort of a long commute, but you're more than welcome.

Godfather · Oct 21, 2006

the way it sounds to me, i think you should go live with your dad. tell it to the judge, the social worker, whoever. you, evidently, got a lotta pride Tsuki. i've never been in a situation even close to this, but i think you should do what you think is right. if that means sticking up for your dad, do it. besides, if you want to live with him, it might be handy to have the money your mother would have otherwise stolen.

now, i don't know much about this stuff. nothing really. but i do know about being proud and stubborn.

i think somebody suggested not taking sides, and sticking it out with your mother. now you and me are both kids, and i think you should spend the rest of your young life with the parent you trust and don't think is crazy.

my two cents.

Christine N. · Oct 21, 2006

I'd spend the time helping out your father. Get him to open a new checking account, one she can't get to. (Not legal-wise, but on the computer, etc...) and without her name on it.

And just give him all your love and support. And go live with him. You don't have to see her if you don't want to (I think); you're old enough to decide. Let her stew on that for a while. If she tries to make your life hell, well, let her know you don't like to be treated that way, and let her know how you feel about what she did to your father.

If she still acts out, well, you don't need her. I know that's harsh, she's your mother, but someone so destructive is someone you need to distance yourself from. Believe me - I've lived with self-destructive people and looking back should have gotten out before they dragged me into their drama.

Carrie in PA · Oct 21, 2006

My advice is to stay out of it as much as you can. However much you know, you do not know the whole story from both sides.

That said, live where you're most comfortable. :Hug2:

Unique · Oct 21, 2006

Go with your dad when he talks to his lawyer. Tell the lawyer what you told us. It's his job to handle stuff like that. Then your part will be (mostly) over.

As far as staying out of it goes - easy to say, harder to do depending on how much your parents make you privy to.

Good luck. I hope your dad can find some spine. Letting people get away with crap like that just emboldens them to do more.

TsukiRyoko · Oct 21, 2006

Eiii, that's a problem. I couldn't make it if I stayed away from my family for that long. Even though I really, really, realllyyy don't like them sometimes, I'm a closet family person. My mother- well frankly, I could care less if I ever see her again, but the rest of my family is a different case. They like to stick together and paint the hills with their rowdy genetics.

Though, I am moving out as soon as I'm able. No more of this ****, it's way past its expiration date.

piscesgirl80 · Oct 21, 2006

Do you have any aunts or uncles on either side who might be able to help with the situation?

TsukiRyoko · Oct 21, 2006

They're all willing to help, but I don't really want to stay with them for more than a week or so. Luckily, they let me squat at their houses for a few nights and they bum me food and cigs and stuff, so that's nice.

Cath · Oct 21, 2006

Sorry to hear this Tsuki, I've been there too. Unfortunately, divorce brings out the worst in people. I think ScreenMom, PH and TrainofThought have some great advice.

pconsidine · Oct 21, 2006

I think you've gotten excellent advice already from those who recommended keeping yourself out of it as best as possible. Naturally, if you are asked a question, answer it. But volunteering potentially damaging information wouldn't do you any favors at all.

But there's another point -

It's not really your business to look after your father that way. I know it's very difficult to see something bad happening and not do something about it, especially when it's happening to someone you love. But you need to tend to yourself (as it sounds like you're doing). Some degree of role reversal between parents and children seems to be very common in divorce. I've seen it more times than I can count. And every time I see it, the kids wind up deprived of the experience of growing into their own people.

You dad's an adult. You have to let him make his own mistakes, even though you know it's going to hurt somewhere down the line. Tough, but true.

Hang in there, Tsuki. You will get through it.

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