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September skies
10-06-2006, 07:58 PM
Can you believe that I have never opened a bottle of wine in my life? Ok, not surprising since I rarely drink.

But, I did get a bottle of wine for my birthday (Chicken Picatta is my favorite dish and I got all the makings for it) So, I decided to make it for myself today and I can not, for the life of me, open this bottle.

I realize I need a wine opener - but when there is none around -
how do you do it? Can you stab a knife in there and pop it out?

If you had a character in a movie and they were in a setting with no opener, how would you have them do it? It's not like I can break the bottle against a rock, that might get glass in the wine.....

what to do...
what to do......
I figured I'd turn to the winos...um, experts, and ask all of you.

Cath
10-06-2006, 08:00 PM
I've seen people push the cork all the way into the bottle in desparation, but seriously, if you have 10 minutes to run to the nearest shop, get yourself a corkscrew - anything else can end in disaster.

Cath - who has spent hours picking bits of cork out of her glasses of wine...

MidnightMuse
10-06-2006, 08:00 PM
You mean, you have a cork and no cork-screw?

My first time (back in the days of being a cork-virgin) I used a pocket knife. It took some doing, and I mangled the cork, but it did eventually come out.

Some of your fancier Swiss Army Knives have corkscrews in them :)

September skies
10-06-2006, 08:05 PM
yep. that's me -- a corkscrew virgin

PeeDee
10-06-2006, 08:07 PM
Beats me. We have a bottle of good Italian wine in the house that someone I'd never met before gave to me at my wedding and told me it would "See Me Through" (judging from his breath, it had seen him through my whole wedding).

I've never opened it, it's sitting in the cubboard gathering dust. I never drink and my wife very rarely does. But if I were opening it, I would totally smash it on a rock and take a big drink out of the broken bottle, and then bleed to death... :)

Stew21
10-06-2006, 08:08 PM
see if you can push the cork all the way in. it'll just float in the bottle. unless you can go get a cheap corkscrew or borrow one from a neighbor.

GPatten
10-06-2006, 08:13 PM
You will definitely need a good cork removal tool, one that screws into the cork and something that applies pressure needed to pull the cork out. Try running out and getting one in the local grocery store, or liquor store. It shouldn’t be too expensive, just a few dollars.

Don’t try any other way, you’ll not be able to cork the bottle again and you more and likely bust the bottle.

oarsman
10-06-2006, 08:18 PM
http://lexicon.typepad.com/Cork2.jpg

Nothing beats a corkscrew!

louisgodwin
10-06-2006, 08:19 PM
Here's an embarrassing story for me to tell...

A few years before I met my wife, I was dating with this girl. She decided to cook me dinner one night, and I had brought over a bottle of wine. Well, she rarely drinks either, so of course she had no wine-opener.
I was determined to set the mood, but I didn't want hop in my car and leave for 30 or so minutes while I went to a grocery store to buy a damn wine-opener. So I improvised. I tried a knife at first, the top of the cork just crumbled. I found a Phillips head screwdriver and tried to manually drill it into the cork. I thought I was getting somewhere. I could feel the screwdriver sinking deeper into the cork.
And then, "POP!"
Red-faced and frustrated, I saw I had driven the cork INTO the damn wine bottle. It floated in the wine along with little chunky bits of disintegrated cork debris.
Fortunately, the night was not a complete bust. She actually thought the whole thing was hilarious and came up with the brilliant idea of placing a paper towel over the wine glasses and pouring the wine through the paper towel. The wine went through (we had to pour slowly) but the little chunky bits were filtered out.

aadams73
10-06-2006, 08:21 PM
Purchase a corkscrew. They're very inexpensive. Whatever you do, don't push the cork down into the bottle--it can make the wine taste like crap.

A. Hamilton
10-06-2006, 08:21 PM
hahaa Oarsman! I was just going to suggest about the same thing.

louisgodwin
10-06-2006, 08:23 PM
Nothing beats a corkscrew!

Oh my God! That's f***ing brilliant! I wish I'd thought of that!

September skies
10-06-2006, 08:42 PM
thanks - I laughed through these.

WWYCD?

I guess in fiction, anything can happen -- a character could have a corkscrew in the bottom of their shoe, or a long toenail that curves....yuk, talk about spoiling the mood --

DeborahM
10-06-2006, 08:46 PM
http://lexicon.typepad.com/Cork2.jpg

Nothing beats a corkscrew!

Tell me you were a boy scout! Always prepared or is this the case of necessity is the mother of inventions?

Shadow_Ferret
10-06-2006, 08:48 PM
Whatever you do, don't push the cork down into the bottle--it can make the wine taste like crap.

In other words, it'll taste like wine?

E_B
10-06-2006, 08:49 PM
If you buy your wine in a box, you don't need a corkscrew.

aadams73
10-06-2006, 08:50 PM
In other words, it'll taste like wine?

That's pretty much it really! I'm not fond of wine--way too acidic.

maestrowork
10-06-2006, 08:51 PM
Go to you nearby supermarket and get a corkscrew, lady!

p.s. Do you know certain part of a pig is shaped like a corkscrew?

September skies
10-06-2006, 08:54 PM
I have a few bottles of wine (never once thought about getting a corkscrew)
I've only had them opened during parties and each time, our neighbor - Orlando (not Bloom) carries a wine opener thing with him. So he always does the honors.

I have a bottle of wine that Harrison Ford touched. Being a big fan, my nephew got it for me. He's a bartender is some fance four-star hotel place in Portland, Oregon and Harrison walked in once and sat at his bar (he was staying there during the filming of a scene from Firewall) and he asked for my nephew's recommendation for a good dessert wine. My nephew showed him a bottle that he agreed on and before opening it, he switched it (for the same wine but another bottle) and then mailed me the bottle he had held in his hands. I'm saving it for a special occasion.

NeuroFizz
10-06-2006, 08:55 PM
Shouldn't a woman of quality be able to suck the cork from a bottle of wine (take-off on Willie Nelson's (right person?) suck-the-chrome-off-a-bumper-hitch thing).

louisgodwin
10-06-2006, 08:57 PM
Do you know certain part of a pig is shaped like a corkscrew?

And here's a hint: It's not the tail.

oarsman
10-06-2006, 08:58 PM
Tell me you were a boy scout! Always prepared or is this the case of necessity is the mother of inventions?

Yes, and I earned both my Emergency Preparedness and Wilderness Survival merit badges.

;)

September skies
10-06-2006, 08:58 PM
Go to you nearby supermarket and get a corkscrew, lady!

p.s. Do you know certain part of a pig is shaped like a corkscrew?

That would be too simple (especially since there is a liquor store on the corner) but that also means getting out of pajamas and I don't want to right now.

My best friend is into hog semen (big business out here) and he owns a hog farm with more than 1,000 hogs - but none have a corkscrew -- if you're referring to the tail, we chop them off at birth. (I know, so cruel)

Did you know that it is easier to get semen out of a pig if a woman is standing nearby? I thought it was b.s. but I've seen proof.

Stew21
10-06-2006, 09:00 PM
Shouldn't a woman of quality be able to suck the cork from a bottle of wine (take-off on Willie Nelson's (right person?) suck-the-chrome-off-a-bumper-hitch thing).

the big trick with that is, not to spill it all over her blue dress when she gets it off.

September skies
10-06-2006, 09:00 PM
OH wait! You are right. When we do the artificial insemination - the stick thing is so super long and has a corkscrew thing on the end..... I always thought that was so strange!

aadams73
10-06-2006, 09:03 PM
:Jaw: There are some things I could have lived without knowing. This was one of them. Eeek!

Kate Thornton
10-06-2006, 09:07 PM
Where I live, everyone has at least a half dozen bottles of really decent wine around and a fancy cork getter-outer-thingie. We always keep a bottle champagne and a bottle of white wine chilled because you never know when you'll have something to celebrate. We have wine with dinner regularly - usually just one glass.

My favorite opener is a corkscrew on a lever that grips the edge of the bottle so you don't have to pull it straight out. I have a fancy gizmo that pumps air into the bottle to push the cork out, but it's too strange to use.

Enjoying wine is not for everyone - but if you have dusty old bottles from years ago in a kitchen cupboard, they are probably nothing you'd want to drink now.

PS Love the MacGuyver screw & fork!!!!

maestrowork
10-06-2006, 09:10 PM
My best friend is into hog semen

Do I really want to know?



Did you know that it is easier to get semen out of a pig if a woman is standing nearby?

I'd say. But standing? How about laying?

September skies
10-06-2006, 09:16 PM
I know, it sounds really odd but it really works. You rub the female (hog) juices on the mounting thing and the boar will jump right up. Of course, the semen has to be expressed manually (I have never done it, I've always refused but I don't mind watching) and if I am standing (or any other woman) at the fence, looking in and watching, the boar always does it quicker, especially if you talk to the boar. (the real one, not the guy juicing it)

It's really very interesting. You city folk have no idea what you're missing by not living in an agricultural oasis.

maestrowork
10-06-2006, 09:20 PM
Female juice. Boar semen.

Do you still want to drink your wine now?

;)

TeddyG
10-06-2006, 09:21 PM
Boy SS is full of wonderful details in this thread...

maestrowork
10-06-2006, 09:21 PM
Notice she could say all those things but she can't say penis.

TeddyG
10-06-2006, 09:22 PM
This is the kind of thread that truly scares me

TeddyG
10-06-2006, 09:23 PM
we all know SS cant say Penis...

SpookyWriter
10-06-2006, 09:26 PM
we all know SS cant say Penis......swallow your tongue...:D

Ol' Fashioned Girl
10-06-2006, 09:28 PM
I seem to have a hard time saying 'penis' m'self... at least with a straight face. Now, every OTHER term for the same thing - no problem. Go figure.

TeddyG
10-06-2006, 09:28 PM
I can only wonder at what a guy must be thinking who has to jack off a pig...
and why women are standing at the fence watching it?

That image is going to be with me for a long time

SpookyWriter
10-06-2006, 09:31 PM
I can only wonder at what a guy must be thinking who has to jack off a pig...
and why women are standing at the fence watching it?

That image is going to be with me for a long timeYou'll have to ask Manly-Bacon that question. :D

louisgodwin
10-06-2006, 09:35 PM
I can only wonder at what a guy must be thinking who has to jack off a pig...
and why women are standing at the fence watching it?

That image is going to be with me for a long time

You should see the movie "Serving Sara" and see what Matthew Perry has to do to a bull in order to achieve the same result. The movie sucked as a whole, but that part of it was pretty funny.

badducky
10-06-2006, 09:47 PM
Do you not even have a swiss army knife hiding around somewhere?

Also, don't do the knife thing. It doesn't work.

In fact, most of the things you think might work won't work. Promise.

badducky
10-06-2006, 09:48 PM
Also, I refuse to participate in the tangent this thread has created for itself, and I hope all of you feel very, very dirty.

rhymegirl
10-06-2006, 09:53 PM
Oh God, this thread is hilarious!

And how about using your teeth to open a wine bottle?

louisgodwin
10-06-2006, 09:54 PM
...and I hope all of you feel very, very dirty.

Always.

aadams73
10-06-2006, 09:55 PM
Jacking-off a pig? Sounds like my first marriage.

SpookyWriter
10-06-2006, 10:06 PM
Jacking-off a pig? Sounds like my first marriage.What's worse, "Poking a pig, or jacking one off?"

aadams73
10-06-2006, 10:09 PM
Well, he never had to poke a pig, but I had to jack one off. Does that answer your question, Spooky?

SpookyWriter
10-06-2006, 10:11 PM
Well, he never had to poke a pig, but I had to jack one off. Does that answer your question, Spooky?Hope you don't mind if I skip the bacon this morning. Could have been that jerk off you spoke of...:tongue

aadams73
10-06-2006, 10:12 PM
If this is bad, imagine all the "pig" jokes Kevin Bacon has heard in his lifetime.

TeddyG
10-06-2006, 10:18 PM
I still cannot get the vision out of my mind of some guy bending in a pig pen and jacking off the pigs...
now it is mixed up with aadams ex....
as Sass would say
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

aadams73
10-06-2006, 10:21 PM
O-o-o-o-o-o-h You just know we're all going to have some dreadful nightmares tonight!

I am so not having pork for dinner tonight.

Shadow_Ferret
10-06-2006, 10:22 PM
Oh God, this thread is hilarious!

And how about using your teeth to open a wine bottle?

You first have to get the cork out far enough to grasp with your teeth. No?

DeborahM
10-06-2006, 10:39 PM
You city folk! This is a normal discussion over dinner for a farmer! I've had discussions like this over cows! It's a life you get used to and it doesn't bother you.

Teddy, try watching horses! No one laughs or makes jokes because it is a business. If it's the first time watching, all sorts of things fly through your head, but nothing had better come out!

badducky
10-06-2006, 10:55 PM
The most successful wine-cork removal adventure sans corkscrew, I used two metal shish kebob things. I used the twisty handle end (with just one twist) like a corscrew after much difficulty at a slight angle on two different ends. Then I yanked with all my might (and I'm pretty mighty) until the darnt hing came out.

Ruined the kebobs, and hurt like a witch.

Simple solution: invest in a swiss army knife. Even the smallest one with a corkscrew on it will make you boyscout-like in many situations. Very useful tools to keep on your keychain.

MidnightMuse
10-06-2006, 11:03 PM
After tasting a really expensive Ice Wine a few years ago, I ran out the next day and bought myself a genuine corkscrew.

Mmmm, ice wine :D

badducky
10-06-2006, 11:26 PM
Blech. Sugarwater.

Try German Whites like Riesling.

Spaetlese is right up your alley, midnight.

aadams73
10-06-2006, 11:34 PM
I've never had ice wine, but I do like a Greek wine called Mavrodaphne, and I'm also fond of Cakebread's Chardonnay. Otherwise, take it or leave it.

maestrowork
10-07-2006, 12:45 AM
you're talking about pigs behind me back?

let's have some more s'wine.

rhymegirl
10-07-2006, 01:23 AM
You first have to get the cork out far enough to grasp with your teeth. No?

Well, hon, I was thinking of something like Riunite wines. It's a twist-on cap. You could conceivably use your teeth to unscrew the cap.

mkcbunny
10-07-2006, 10:07 AM
You rub the female (hog) juices on the mounting thing and the boar will jump right up. ... and if I am standing (or any other woman) at the fence, looking in and watching, the boar always does it quicker.
This sounds like my cat when he gets "friendly" with the bed. Or the sofa. Or a lump of coal.

Peggy
10-07-2006, 12:05 PM
I few years ago, my husband and I attended a wedding in Pittsburgh. The first night we were there, the hotel recommended a nearby Italian restaurant which looked pretty nice. The first thing we did after we sat down was order a bottle of wine. What we hadn't noticed was that everyone in the restaurant was drinking iced tea or soda (!). Our young waitress came out, and pretty rapidly it became clear that she had no idea how to uncork the bottle, even though she had one of those professional corkscrews. She struggled and struggled, to the point that my husband was on the verge of offering to open the bottle himself. Finally she got someone to help her and then ran away to the back without taking our food order. After about 10 minutes or so with no waitress we were about to leave, but the owner came over, took our order and placated us. What's the point of this story? None, really, except that it could be worse; you could be a waitress with a corkscrew and no idea how to use it. Also, don't order wine in Pittsburgh. (And I refuse to discuss the pig business on grounds of decency and taste.)

aadams73
10-07-2006, 02:41 PM
You city folk! This is a normal discussion over dinner for a farmer! I've had discussions like this over cows! It's a life you get used to and it doesn't bother you.


Sheesh, next you'll be telling me that meat doesn't come from polystyrene packets and milk doesn't come from cartons. Then all my illusions will be shattered.

GPatten
10-07-2006, 03:54 PM
The difference between the life of city folk and a farmer is striking. Fifty years ago it was even more so.

oswann
10-07-2006, 06:05 PM
I think here in France they would probably re-introduce the death penalty for not having a corkscrew in one's house. I always have at least three (not taking any chances).


Os.

DeborahM
10-07-2006, 06:35 PM
Sheesh, next you'll be telling me that meat doesn't come from polystyrene packets and milk doesn't come from cartons. Then all my illusions will be shattered.

BTW, did I tell you...

aadams73
10-07-2006, 06:39 PM
:cry: Everything in this world is just a big dirty lie :D

DeborahM
10-07-2006, 07:47 PM
:cry: Everything in this world is just a big dirty lie :D

Truth funnier than fiction?

Before I left Corporate America to work on my family's ranch, I went to lunch with a couple of the women in the office. They were asking questions about the ranch, then one woman asked about the cattle. I told them we sell the babies in the auction barn to a buyer who would grow them out and then he would sell them at auction to a beef plant.

"You mean those sweet cows I see when I drive down the highway?"
"Some, yes, others are breeders," I answered.
I was never asked to join them again for lunch. I later found out from the other woman, that the first one was upset about learning that that was where beef was from.

I didn't take it too personal. The woman who shunned me, had to go to the closet to change clothes because she was afraid her husband would see her naked.