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View Full Version : Wax on, wax off...



icerose
10-02-2006, 10:45 PM
Just coming out of a writing grind and preparing to enter a new one I figured I'd repost one of the funniest things I've ever read. A friend sent this to me.


"All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal. The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.... The Wax!!

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner; played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet?"

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off! No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.

*YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each together, stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hairdryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh,how this phrase haunts me!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!!! Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!

With my next wax strip, I move "north".

After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself....

RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

I'm blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH DEAR GOD!!!!!!!!!!! I'm making noises that only dogs can hear. Vision slowly returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. ****!!!

Another deep breath and

RRIIPP...

Everything is swirly and spotted. I cannot breathe or speak - I have forgotten how. Do I hear crashing drums????? Wait a few minutes and I'm back to normal (nearly) after all this I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it! Where is the hair??

WHERE IS THE WAX?

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair...the hair that should be on the strip!!!!!!!!! I touch. I am touching wax.

****!!!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . . .

Remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something, so I put my foot down.

DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vagina!? Sealed shut!?

Butt!? Sealed shut!?!?!?

So, I penguin walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do, and think to myself: "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??

WRONG!!!!

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than then that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water!! (Which by the way, doesn't melt cold wax)

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she's waxed before and has come secret of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter, "So my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub! There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located.

"Are we talking buttock cheek or is it covering - you know - everywhere (cringe factor 20000 at this point)?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!

I should be the 'butt' of someone else's work-night jokes. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!!

By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and

I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace...The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care!!

"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to my grief and despair...

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point!!!!!!!

Next week I'm going to try hair colour . . . . . ."

Soccer Mom
10-02-2006, 11:08 PM
I've read it before, but it still makes me laugh out loud! And it has the unfortunate ring of truth.

Christine N.
10-02-2006, 11:20 PM
Hey, at least her hand didn't get stuck to the wax too...

icerose
10-02-2006, 11:27 PM
I can only imagine how awful it would be but man, it sure is funny when it happens to someone else.

Melina
10-03-2006, 01:12 AM
Stop, stop, you're killin' me! OMG, I'm laughing out loud in my office! I have tears rolling down my face!

icerose
10-03-2006, 01:22 AM
Stop, stop, you're killin' me! OMG, I'm laughing out loud in my office! I have tears rolling down my face!

I know, I couldn't even stay in my chair when I was reading it.

jbal
10-03-2006, 01:46 AM
;) THis reminds me of an old joke:
"You're out of birth control pills? Here, try these Birkenstock sandals..."\

ETA: I am shocked and horrified by this thread. The second time I read it it was even worse. For shame!

icerose
10-03-2006, 04:45 AM
ETA: I am shocked and horrified by this thread. The second time I read it it was even worse. For shame!

That means you laughed even harder right?

Soccer Mom
10-03-2006, 06:26 AM
I laughed so hard that someone came into my office to check on me and make sure I was okay. All right. We have a thread about dumb things other people have done. Dumbest thing you've done that didn't result in fatal injury to an animal? (cause I draw the line there).

I once left my headlights on and ran down the battery to my car. Three times. In one day. (It was raining and it was a bad day and...don't ask. I really can't explain.)

WackAMole
10-03-2006, 06:34 AM
OMG that has got to be the damned funniest thing I've read in some time..gonna share that with my work mates LOL..

And to think I was considering that wax thing..uh...I'll pass..

BTW my 12 year old daughter is laughing at me and asking what I'm laughing about..:/ she will learn

icerose
10-03-2006, 06:47 AM
"I'm blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH DEAR GOD!!!!!!!!!!! I'm making noises that only dogs can hear."

YEP, she will. I'm glad I read it at home because anywhere else I think the people around me would have called the paramedics because I was laughing so hard.

Dumbest thing, well in writing it had to be the one where I misspelled the agent's name. In life, I burned the truck to the ground a few months ago because I touched the gas pedal while trying to start it. It wouldn't start, natural reaction, bad results.

E_B
10-03-2006, 06:24 PM
A programmer that works for me is wondering why I'm crying...


Good stuff...reminds me of when I bleached my hair.

henriette
10-03-2006, 07:21 PM
thanks icerose- this made my day!

icerose
10-03-2006, 07:49 PM
I'm glad to hear that, it made mine too when I read it.

E_B, that hair bleaching experience sounds like quite the incident.

Soccer Mom
10-03-2006, 07:51 PM
Hair bleaching? Once in college, a girl in my dorm had just put the stuff on her head when we had a fire alarm. They kept us outside for a looooong time. By the time they let us inside, her "highlights" had turned into white blond hair.

Melina
10-03-2006, 08:35 PM
A programmer that works for me is wondering why I'm crying...


Good stuff...reminds me of when I bleached my hair.

You bleached your hair??? When???

icerose
10-03-2006, 09:20 PM
The worst bleaching experience I have ever seen was my friend in highschool (I don't mess with my hair). She was a redhead. She died it blond and then went swimming. Her hair turned as green as green can be. She tried everything including turning it back to red. It was puke green for 6 months until she buzzed it and started all over. It was bad.

E_B
10-03-2006, 09:24 PM
My hair bleaching story goes like thisÖ

My youngest son was bleaching his hair. So, I decided to bleach my hair also.

I went to the store, purchased a kit, and proceeded to bleach my hair. Now Iím your typical male who does not follow instructions or even read them. I consider instructions packing material to keep the contents of the package from rattling around in the package. After three attempts (my kit and the remainder of my sonís kit) my hair was Cheetoh orange in color, my scalp was tingling and looking in the mirror blood was running down both sides of my face. I decided I needed help (not your typical male). I went to the beauty salon down the street and the beautician was able to carefully bleach my hair without getting the solution on my scalp. She said something about the hair follicles closing and not letting the bleach penetrate or something like that (I wasnít really listening). All the ladies in the salon were laughing at me as I sat in the wind tunnel type hair drying thing. The beautician informed that I would probably lose my hair but it should grow back.

I didnít lose my hair, my hair color came out non-Cheetoh like and I gave my kids something to talk about. I guess youíre supposed to wait 24 hours between bleaching sessions. That was about five years ago and I think I might be ready to try it again.

Melina
10-03-2006, 09:28 PM
The worst bleaching experience I have ever seen was my friend in highschool (I don't mess with my hair). She was a redhead. She died it blond and then went swimming. Her hair turned as green as green can be. She tried everything including turning it back to red. It was puke green for 6 months until she buzzed it and started all over. It was bad.




OMG, that's awful! Hopefully, she learned to be happy with the beautiful shade nature gave her...

Melina
10-03-2006, 09:32 PM
I didnít lose my hair, my hair color came out non-Cheetoh like and I gave my kids something to talk about. I guess youíre supposed to wait 24 hours between bleaching sessions. That was about five years ago and I think I might be ready to try it again.

Did you bleach your goat-thingy?

aadams73
10-03-2006, 09:33 PM
Okay, I just scared the cat off my desk with my hyena/goose laugh. Too funny!

aadams73
10-03-2006, 09:33 PM
Did you bleach your goat-thingy?
*water spew* Goat thingy?

E_B
10-03-2006, 09:39 PM
The goat thingy is perfect. It has gray highlights.

icerose
10-03-2006, 09:44 PM
OMG, that's awful! Hopefully, she learned to be happy with the beautiful shade nature gave her...

Yeah, she wasn't exactly eager to dye her hair again any time soon.

Melina
10-03-2006, 09:54 PM
*water spew* Goat thingy?

Goatee. I just want to know why a man with a perfectly good face wants to cover it up with something that is named for a goat.

icerose
10-03-2006, 11:08 PM
Goatee. I just want to know why a man with a perfectly good face wants to cover it up with something that is named for a goat.

Because some men, it really accents their features. My husband grew up without a chin, a goatee makes him look a thousand times better and his age verses 12.

Melina
10-04-2006, 02:06 AM
Yeah, and my Dad has had a mustache for as long as I remember. He shaved it off once, when I was about 12. He looked as if his top lip was 6 inches long. He's a really good looking guy--but he looks better with the 'stache. I'm really talking about the guys who cover up gorgeous faces with unnecessary hair.

SpookyWriter
10-04-2006, 02:12 AM
I'm really talking about the guys who cover up gorgeous faces with unnecessary hair.Or woman.

Melina
10-04-2006, 02:13 AM
I pluck religiously for that very reason...:tongue

SpookyWriter
10-04-2006, 02:14 AM
I pluck religiously for that very reason...:tongue:hooray:

Rachael
10-04-2006, 03:58 AM
Who raided my diary and changed the story so I had kids????

icerose
10-04-2006, 08:50 PM
Painfully familiar, eh?