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scarletpeaches
09-27-2006, 08:56 PM
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" He said "Okay then." I said, "Nearest to bull starts." He said "Baa," I said "Moo," he said, "You’re closest."

I’m against hunting. In fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said "Did you get my drift?"

I went down the local supermarket and I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it," and he said "Those are pickled onions."

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and thought, he’s trying to pull a fast one.

I said to the train driver, "I want to go to Paris." He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin."

I asked the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" and I said "I can’t make Tuesdays."

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."

I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years’ supply of Marmite. One jar.

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a Catholic converter.

I rang up British Telecom and said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." They said, "Not you again."

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot," and I said, "I’ll take that as a condiment."

Did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he’s a witch.

I was in Tesco and I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

A lorry load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins and I thought, "That’s a turtle disaster."

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here!"

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything."

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don’t serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal."


Author of all the above unknown: will edit if I find out who is responsible for these groaners!

scarletpeaches
09-27-2006, 08:57 PM
Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
Do I look like a people’s person?
This isn’t an office, it’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble-wrap is cheap. You choose.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for - you missed.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I’m not your type, I’m not inflatable.
Don’t worry, I forgot your name too.
I work sixty hours a week to be this poor.
Nice perfume, but must you marinade in it?
Not all men are annoying, some are dead.
Wait, I’m just trying to imagine you with a personality.
You look like crap. Is that the style now?
Earth is full - go home.
Well, this day was a total waste of make-up."
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
Why don’t you try practising random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for thirty years.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven’t gone to sleep yet.
Back off! You’re standing in my aura.
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
You are depriving some village of an idiot.
If idiots could fly, this place would be an airport!
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Author of all the above unknown: will edit if I find out who is responsible for these groaners!

scarletpeaches
09-27-2006, 09:03 PM
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died…Dido must be sh*tting herself.

My parents are from Glasgow, which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child…well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, ‘cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go, "What’s my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn’t listening…Self-raising?"

I saw that show, Fifty Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was ‘Shout For Help’.

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork…

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I’d like a job please." The hardware store owner says: "We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?" The dog replies, "What would the circus want with a plumber?"

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I’ve already got one!"

It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation – but I’m not very good at it.

If you’re being chased by a police dog try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.

Author of all the above unknown: will edit if I find out who is responsible for these groaners!

NeuroFizz
09-27-2006, 09:05 PM
I put on a Depends and nothing happened. Some funny ones in there, Scarlet, but too many groaners mixed in.

PeeDee
09-27-2006, 09:17 PM
Some of those were REALLY bad.

....and I read NeuroFizz's post and puzzled over it, because my brain hadn't clicked back on yet, and I thought it was another joke that I wasn't getting.

...

There's this guy. He's dating a girl named Lorraine. He's cheating on her with a girl named Clearly. One day, Lorraine dies. At the funeral, he stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone..."

scarletpeaches
09-27-2006, 09:18 PM
All of those are not my responsibility. Don't ask me who inflicted them on the world, they're 'circular email humour'.

Clearly, I'm sick, 'cause they tickled me.

PeeDee
09-27-2006, 09:20 PM
I'll go guzzle some NyQuil and then read them again. :)

writerterri
09-27-2006, 09:29 PM
Some of those were funny.

I think Jenna posted yester day that you should put the author's name at the bottom or post author unknown if you didn't write them or don't know who did.

scarletpeaches
09-27-2006, 09:31 PM
Done.

dclary
09-27-2006, 09:55 PM
It's too bad none of those were particularly funny, except for the ones that were so stale as to make their funniness indescribably weak.

Christine N.
09-27-2006, 10:13 PM
I think some of them are funnier if you're British.

Although the Marmite one is just sad, 'cause it's true.

CaroGirl
09-27-2006, 10:16 PM
I agree with Christine. Very British. I'm Canadian so my pants are quite dry. I did groan a few times, though. I think my cube mate at work is about to call 911.

Marmite's gross.

dclary
09-27-2006, 10:19 PM
I'm Canadian so my pants are quite dry.


Except for the legs from the knee down. You know, from wading through all that snow.

CaroGirl
09-27-2006, 10:26 PM
Except for the legs from the knee down. You know, from wading through all that snow.
Not for another month or two. Are you one of those silly Americans who turns up at the border in July with skis strapped to the roof of your car looking for snow?

writerterri
09-27-2006, 10:29 PM
British! Oh, okay, I didn't think they were American enough to make us laugh. Aren't we spoiled rotten. :D That's so Hollywood.

dclary
09-27-2006, 10:29 PM
Not for another month or two. Are you one of those silly Americans who turns up at the border in July with skis strapped to the roof of your car looking for snow?

I'm one of those sane Americans who doesn't visit Canada.

CaroGirl
09-27-2006, 10:33 PM
I'm one of those sane Americans who doesn't visit Canada.
What a shame for you. If you really are looking for "a hill overlooking a mountain of magic" you really should consider Canada. There's nothing more beautiful in all the world.

dclary
09-27-2006, 10:54 PM
What a shame for you. If you really are looking for "a hill overlooking a mountain of magic" you really should consider Canada. There's nothing more beautiful in all the world.

I went to Canada once. Covered a kung fu tournament in Vancouver.

First: they had never heard of Szchezuan-style Chinese Food. What kind of freak only eats Mandarin or Cantonese?"

Second: This was my actual conversation at the airport, trying to go home.

"Passport or Birth Certificate?"

"Here's my California Driver's License."

"That's not a Passport or Birth Certificate."

"So?"

"You need to have one to enter the United States?"

"Why? I'm an American?"

"This is not valid identification."

"It's enough to get me in and out of Mexico."

"Sir, you came to a foreign country without a passport or birth certificate?"

"Wasn't a problem when I left. Why should it be a problem when I come back?"

"We cannot let you enter the US without a birth certificate or passport."

"Listen? What do I have to do to prove to you I'm an American? Be rude to you? I can do that. I can promise not to come back to your stupid country. I got a plane leaving in 30 minutes. Will you please let me through, you toke-wearing, beer-drinking, moose-loving fur-trapper?"

She let me through, and I've kept my promise.

dclary
09-27-2006, 10:54 PM
And I live on a hillside overlooking the LA theme park Magic Mountain. My location is a figurative literal.

Christine N.
09-27-2006, 11:05 PM
I'm an American who's dying to see Quebec. I can't afford Europe, see, and they tell me it's just as good there.

I'll go in July, when the entire French-Canadian population is down here on the beach in Cape May. (Well, that's what it seemed like this July. Good thing I kind of understand French.)

CaroGirl
09-27-2006, 11:08 PM
I love my country, as you love yours. But I won't dis yours. People who work in airports are just people. Restaurant snobbery is unbecoming. And I don't live in Vancouver anyway.

Too bad you couldn't just agree that it's a beautiful country. It is, you know.

CaroGirl
09-27-2006, 11:10 PM
I'm an American who's dying to see Quebec. I can't afford Europe, see, and they tell me it's just as good there.

I'll go in July, when the entire French-Canadian population is down here on the beach in Cape May. (Well, that's what it seemed like this July. Good thing I kind of understand French.)
Quebec City's gorgeous. I got engaged there on a caleche ride (horse-drawn carriage). You'll love it.

dclary
09-27-2006, 11:14 PM
I love my country, as you love yours. But I won't dis yours. People who work in airports are just people. Restaurant snobbery is unbecoming. And I don't live in Vancouver anyway.

Too bad you couldn't just agree that it's a beautiful country. It is, you know.

The pictures look very pretty. And I love polar bears.

Kate Thornton
09-28-2006, 12:09 AM
Clary works hard at being a bumpkin.

Canada is a lovely place - the places in it I have seen were gorgeous: I drove the Alaska-Canada Highway (Los Angeles to Anchorage) and it was spectacular. I saw exquisite natural scenery (including bears) and stayed in wonderful places. I ate fabulous food, everyone spoke an understandable (to me) form of English and was friendly.

I would love to see more - I only saw the western areas. I'd love to visit Quebec.

PS: I never leave the US without my passport. That's because I might want to get back in.

Christine N.
09-28-2006, 12:20 AM
I no longer have a valid passport. I guess I should get one for that Quebec vacation I might take one day.

When my son is out of college. In 18 years. After I win the lottery, or sell a whole lot of books.

badducky
09-28-2006, 12:35 AM
I miss Vancouver...

Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

Two ducks walked into a bar. They weren't very good ducks. They should've waddled while ducking.

A pig made everybody watch him walk into a bar. He shouted, "Look, a pig walks into a bar! What do you think the bartender will say?" He was a real ham.

NeuroFizz
09-28-2006, 12:36 AM
Dave, perhaps you should go trick-or-treating in Churchill, Manitoba. It doesn't matter what costume you wear--the polar bears are not selective. I understand the town locks-and-loads to protect the children when they make their rounds.

I lived in Edmonton for two winters, and spent the two summers in Bamfield, on the west side of Vancouver Island (Bamfield is a pristine, isolated fishing villiage). Both beautiful in very different ways.

kikazaru
09-28-2006, 02:01 AM
I went to Canada once. Covered a kung fu tournament in Vancouver.

First: they had never heard of Szchezuan-style Chinese Food. What kind of freak only eats Mandarin or Cantonese?"

Second: This was my actual conversation at the airport, trying to go home.

"Passport or Birth Certificate?"

"Here's my California Driver's License."

"That's not a Passport or Birth Certificate."

"So?"

"You need to have one to enter the United States?"

"Why? I'm an American?"

"This is not valid identification."

"It's enough to get me in and out of Mexico."

"Sir, you came to a foreign country without a passport or birth certificate?"

"Wasn't a problem when I left. Why should it be a problem when I come back?"

"We cannot let you enter the US without a birth certificate or passport."

"Listen? What do I have to do to prove to you I'm an American? Be rude to you? I can do that. I can promise not to come back to your stupid country. I got a plane leaving in 30 minutes. Will you please let me through, you toke-wearing, beer-drinking, moose-loving fur-trapper?"

She let me through, and I've kept my promise.

Vancouver has the highest population of Asians in Canada - there is no way that they would not have heard of Szchezaun style food. Perhaps you ticked them off in some way and they just didn't want to tell you.

Also you don't need a passport to visit Canada, you need 2 pieces of id - Driver's licence and birth cert would do, also if you were told this as you were attempting to get back in to the US, you most likely would have been talking to US Customs agents, not Cdn.