- Joined
- Aug 7, 2005
- Messages
- 47,985
- Reaction score
- 13,245
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" He said "Okay then." I said, "Nearest to bull starts." He said "Baa," I said "Moo," he said, "You’re closest."
I’m against hunting. In fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said "Did you get my drift?"
I went down the local supermarket and I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it," and he said "Those are pickled onions."
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and thought, he’s trying to pull a fast one.
I said to the train driver, "I want to go to Paris." He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin."
I asked the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" and I said "I can’t make Tuesdays."
I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.
I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."
I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years’ supply of Marmite. One jar.
My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a Catholic converter.
I rang up British Telecom and said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." They said, "Not you again."
I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot," and I said, "I’ll take that as a condiment."
Did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he’s a witch.
I was in Tesco and I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
A lorry load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins and I thought, "That’s a turtle disaster."
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here!"
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything."
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don’t serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
A seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "Pint please, and one for the road."
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal."
Author of all the above unknown: will edit if I find out who is responsible for these groaners!
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
I said "Do you want a game of Darts?" He said "Okay then." I said, "Nearest to bull starts." He said "Baa," I said "Moo," he said, "You’re closest."
I’m against hunting. In fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said "Did you get my drift?"
I went down the local supermarket and I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it," and he said "Those are pickled onions."
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and thought, he’s trying to pull a fast one.
I said to the train driver, "I want to go to Paris." He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin."
I asked the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" and I said "I can’t make Tuesdays."
I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.
I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck."
I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years’ supply of Marmite. One jar.
My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a Catholic converter.
I rang up British Telecom and said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." They said, "Not you again."
I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot," and I said, "I’ll take that as a condiment."
Did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he’s a witch.
I was in Tesco and I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
A lorry load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins and I thought, "That’s a turtle disaster."
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here!"
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything."
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don’t serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
A seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "Pint please, and one for the road."
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal."
Author of all the above unknown: will edit if I find out who is responsible for these groaners!
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