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Branwyn
09-25-2006, 08:40 PM
Like restless spirits roaming the landscape fog drifted in abandoning the dark waters behind. A buoy marker moaned in the distance shattering the silence. The first slice of the new moon dangled in the inky sky. It was a time for magical conjuring.
OR

Like restless spirits roaming the landscape, fog drifted in, abandoning the dark waters behind. A buoy marker moaned in the distance shattering the silence. The first slice of the new moon dangled in the inky sky. It was a time for magical conjuring.

I have such a mental block with commas.

CaroGirl
09-25-2006, 08:56 PM
The second one, with the commas, is correct.

When I read the first sentence, I read, "...the landscape fog drifted in...", which is not what you meant. For clarity, include the commas.

You should also have a comma after "distance" in the second sentence of your paragraph.

Isn't "buoy marker" redundant? Isn't a buoy, by definition, a marker?

alleycat
09-25-2006, 09:04 PM
You might want to use sound buoy instead of buoy marker. Just a thought.

And yes, you need the commas.

Branwyn
09-25-2006, 09:05 PM
Thanks! Yes I suppose that is redundant.;)

FloVoyager
09-25-2006, 09:53 PM
I vote for the second version as well. :)

Maryn
09-25-2006, 11:22 PM
I second CaroGirl 100%.

(Caro, just send the check to the usual address.)

On the plus side, this paragraph has a nice lyrical quality. It's good to hear what you're doing right, isn't it? Yeah, it is...

Maryn

CaroGirl
09-25-2006, 11:48 PM
(Caro, just send the check to the usual address.)
The cheque is in the mail Maryn. :tongue

Branwyn
09-26-2006, 12:43 AM
It certainly is, Maryn.;) Thanks.