Is this grammatically correct?

Branwyn · Sep 25, 2006

Like restless spirits roaming the landscape fog drifted in abandoning the dark waters behind. A buoy marker moaned in the distance shattering the silence. The first slice of the new moon dangled in the inky sky. It was a time for magical conjuring.
OR

Like restless spirits roaming the landscape, fog drifted in, abandoning the dark waters behind. A buoy marker moaned in the distance shattering the silence. The first slice of the new moon dangled in the inky sky. It was a time for magical conjuring.

I have such a mental block with commas.

CaroGirl · Sep 25, 2006

The second one, with the commas, is correct.

When I read the first sentence, I read, "...the landscape fog drifted in...", which is not what you meant. For clarity, include the commas.

You should also have a comma after "distance" in the second sentence of your paragraph.

Isn't "buoy marker" redundant? Isn't a buoy, by definition, a marker?

alleycat · Sep 25, 2006

You might want to use sound buoy instead of buoy marker. Just a thought.

And yes, you need the commas.

Branwyn · Sep 25, 2006

Thanks! Yes I suppose that is redundant.

FloVoyager · Sep 25, 2006

I vote for the second version as well.

Maryn · Sep 25, 2006

I second CaroGirl 100%.

(Caro, just send the check to the usual address.)

On the plus side, this paragraph has a nice lyrical quality. It's good to hear what you're doing right, isn't it? Yeah, it is...

Maryn

CaroGirl · Sep 25, 2006

Maryn said:
(Caro, just send the check to the usual address.)

The cheque is in the mail Maryn. :tongue

Branwyn · Sep 25, 2006

It certainly is, Maryn.

Thanks.

Is this grammatically correct?

Branwyn

Print release:Sept.1,'09

CaroGirl

Living the dream

alleycat

Still around

Branwyn

Print release:Sept.1,'09

FloVoyager

Will write for chocolate

Maryn

Baaa!

CaroGirl

Living the dream

Branwyn

Print release:Sept.1,'09