Catherine Coulter loses me on Page One

It looks like she just discovered a whole bag of lost commas and couldn't wait to get them out there.

"My cousin Pete, who had miraculously survived Waterloo unscathed, except for his soul, he wrote me, had been unable to come home until the French, who, he always said, lived in a constant state of overwrought emotion, had accepted Louis XVIII, their rightful, albeit idiot, of a king."

Click to expand...

That's really in a book? Am I the only one who had to read that several times to understand?

Are there any "first sentence in a book" contests?

I have the greatest first sentence in the history of literature and I'd like to win some money from it, because there will not be a book that follows it.

Thank you.

Maybe she was trying to convey the idea that this was written by a Frenchman and the whole thing was translated from French to English?

I had to read it several times too. You learn a lot in one sentence! (assuming you read it ten times and get it)

Oddly, it calls to mind the opening of To kill a Mockingbird:

When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow. When it healed, and Jem's fears of never being able to play football were assuaged, he was seldom self-conscious about his injury.

Click to expand...

rob, it doesn't remind me of tkam at all.

i can understand one, and feel instantly like reading more because i just learned a lot about a narrator and a character in two well-written sentences.

the coulter one is completely illegible. who edited that?

At least I understood that one the first time I read it. The Coulter one was... just... wow.

badducky said:

rob, it doesn't remind me of tkam at all.

Click to expand...

I didn't say it was as good as TKAM.

But that was my first reaction to reading the sentence. Like I said: oddly.

maestrowork said:

Maybe she was trying to convey the idea that this was written by a Frenchman and the whole thing was translated from French to English?

Click to expand...

That is possible, but there were better ways to do it. Perhaps since she refers to her cousin writing to her, she could do it in some form of a quote from a letter. Ray, this would be a great sentence for the games section - Rewrite a Pro... or Edit a Pro ... LOL ... No, I would toss this book across the room long and far if I read that sentence. NONONONONO... Im sure the rest of the book would drive me nuts.

No, it doesnt remind me of To Kill a Mockingbird either. The narrator there is very clear and precise in organizing her thoughts. That is extremely readable and easy to follow. This, is not.

Maybe she was going more for the A Tale of Two Cities opening????? If so , she bombed.

persiphone_hellecat said:

Ray, this would be a great sentence for the games section - Rewrite a Pro... or Edit a Pro ...

Click to expand...

Before you can edit the pro, you have to understand the pro. I've read that puppy four times now, can't make heads or tales of it. That sentence is just plain icky.

Can someone translate that sentence into readable English pour moi?

Sure, it's a horrible sentence....but it's so much fun to read in a Valley Girl voice.

That would have been a great game, PD: rewrite this sentence as if a valley girl wrote it...

My cousin Pete, like who had amazingly survived -- what do you call that place, like in Russia or something? -- ah, Waterloo without a scratch -- far out, except for his soul, like he wrote me, had been unable to come home until the Frenchies, who, he always said, always lived in some super duper emotion, had like accepted Louis the 18th or 19th or something, their really true but what an idiot, as a king. As if.

Bartholomew said:

Original:

"My cousin Pete, who had miraculously survived Waterloo unscathed, except for his soul, he wrote me, had been unable to come home until the French, who, he always said, lived in a constant state of overwrought emotion, had accepted Louis XVIII, their rightful, albeit idiot, of a king."

My Rewrite:

"My cousin Pete wrote me from Russia; he's alive, thank God. He says that he won't be able to come home until this talk of revolution has quieted down. He thinks we ought to just buckle down beneath King Louis; 'Rightful Heir' and 'God's Chose' and all that garbage, but I think he's an idiot."

Click to expand...

I don't like your rewrite at all. It introduces new flavors to the narrator that weren't there before.


My rewrite:

"My cousin Pete, who had miraculously survived Waterloo unscathed (except for his soul), wrote me. He'd been unable to come home until the French, still in their usual state of overwrought emotion, had accepted Louis XVIII as their rightful king, idiot though he may be."

Bartholomew said:

"My cousin Pete wrote me from Russia; he's alive, thank God. He says that he won't be able to come home until this talk of revolution has quieted down. He thinks we ought to just buckle down beneath King Louis; 'Rightful Heir' and 'God's Chose' and all that garbage, but I think he's an idiot."

Click to expand...

Who's an idiot, Pete or the King? Just a thought.

Ray's valley girl re-write is the best. I read THAT one out loud, and it made me happy.

Original:

"My cousin Pete, who had miraculously survived Waterloo unscathed, except for his soul, he wrote me, had been unable to come home until the French, who, he always said, lived in a constant state of overwrought emotion, had accepted Louis XVIII, their rightful, albeit idiot, of a king."

Ernest Hemmingway:

"My cousin Pete lived. Others died. The King is an idiot."

Original:

"My cousin Pete, who had miraculously survived Waterloo unscathed, except for his soul, he wrote me, had been unable to come home until the French, who, he always said, lived in a constant state of overwrought emotion, had accepted Louis XVIII, their rightful, albeit idiot, of a king."

H.P. Lovecraft:

"It was with a dreaded certainty which filled all of the cavity in which my heart did beat that I became aware that dreary morning as the sun rose with rosy tendrils of morning light that my cousin who I had known all my life and was called Pete had miraculously survived. He had been in Waterloo a town full of dark and menace, an evil forboding place with an eldritch sky in the bantering waters of the English land which is a place of old magic and ancient power and as I write to you now I flee that place. He wrote to me, wrote to me, and he said that he could not come home, and even his handwriting was full to the tides of anguish all the hatred that was boiling within him, for he could not leave till the French had settled, they of such strong emotions and powerful feelings, they of suchs angers and brimming grimmances, grievances that no time nor tolling bell could erase, they who could not accept Louis XVIII as their rightful king, he who supremed idiocy with the trebelence of a manatee."