Advice for Men!

DeborahM · Sep 16, 2006

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

Dangerous: What's for dinner?
Safer: Can I help with dinner?
Safest: Where would you like to go for dinner?
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolates.

Dangerous: Are yo wearing that?
Safer: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
Safest: Wow! Look at you!
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolates.

Dangerous: What are you so worked up about?
Safer: Could we be overacting?
Safest: Here's my paycheck!
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolates.

Dangerous: Should you be eating that?
Safer: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Safest: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolates!

Dangerous: What did you DO all day?
Safer: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
Safest: I've always love you in that robe!
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolates!

11 Things PMS stands for:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite:

11. Potential Murder Suspect

Remember: Money talks...but Chocolate SINGS!

alleycat · Sep 16, 2006

This is the very reason I like e-mail. I can stay way, way away. I still get threatened, but at least I don't get hit.

DamaNegra · Sep 16, 2006

Don't tell the woman she looks fat or she looks bad. Don't tell the woman she looks good or that she's lost weight, either. And don't forget to say something about the way she looks, or hell will break lose.

allion · Sep 16, 2006

DeborahM, all men should be given this list and told to memorize it.

Hormones are such wonderful things. NOT.

Karen

DamaNegra · Sep 16, 2006

DeborahM, I think my BF got hold of this list a looong time ago

He's always giving me chocolate when I go into my weird moods.

SpookyWriter · Sep 16, 2006

DamaNegra said:
DeborahM, I think my BF got hold of this list a looong time ago He's always giving me chocolate when I go into my weird moods.

I hope he isn't the kind that likes his women a little plump.

maestrowork · Sep 16, 2006

With all that chocolate, she sure looks fat in anything she wears.

dclary · Sep 16, 2006

DeborahM said:
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

Dangerous: What's for dinner?
Safer: Can I help with dinner?
Safest: Where would you like to go for dinner?
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolates.

Dangerous: Are yo wearing that?
Safer: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
Safest: Wow! Look at you!
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolates.

Dangerous: What are you so worked up about?
Safer: Could we be overacting?
Safest: Here's my paycheck!
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolates.

Dangerous: Should you be eating that?
Safer: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Safest: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolates!

Dangerous: What did you DO all day?
Safer: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
Safest: I've always love you in that robe!
Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolates!

11 Things PMS stands for:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite:

11. Potential Murder Suspect

Remember: Money talks...but Chocolate SINGS!

You forgot the one I use a lot.

"Nevermind. You're hormonal. Let's discuss this when you're sane."

Boy that p*sses her off. It's funny though.

DeborahM · Sep 16, 2006

dclary said:
You forgot the one I use a lot.

"Nevermind. You're hormonal. Let's discuss this when you're sane."

Boy that p*sses her off. It's funny though.

That statement would fall under number 11: Potential murder suspect

oarsman · Sep 16, 2006

Keep a chocolate bar supply around...

Maryn · Sep 16, 2006

All of which brings us to the eternal question:

How many women having their periods does it take to change a light bulb?

One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

Maryn, who no longer remembers the question

dclary · Sep 16, 2006

Maryn said:
All of which brings us to the eternal question:

How many women having their periods does it take to change a light bulb?

One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

Maryn, who no longer remembers the question

Good lord woman. Chill out and get back to me when you're not hormonal.

(see how that works?)

(/ducks)

Perks · Sep 16, 2006

I like 'Pardon My Sobbing'

What is that? Is that the devil? Hormones are a painintheass. A guy who understands that - or at least pays good lipservice to understanding it - is worth his weight in gold and deserves much... much... well, you know... pats on the back.

PeeDee · Sep 16, 2006

The problem I have is, my wife is so durned cute when she gets irritated (especially when she gets irritated by me) that I can't help it but laugh, or make jokes which just makes it worse.

Now, who would like to write the same sort of list as the above one...but for woman, on how to deal with men.

It would probably be something like this.

1) Be hot.
2) Don't cling.
3) Cable.
4) Food.

Er. Hm. You know, I don't think your average male has actually evolved much past cromagnon. Except for me, of course.

Maryn · Sep 16, 2006

PeeDee said:
You know, I don't think your average male has actually evolved much past cromagnon. Except for me, of course.

Ah, so that explains the brow ridge!

Maryn, too polite to ask

PeeDee · Sep 16, 2006

*gets huffy*

What *IS* it with women anyways? Why are things so, so, so complicated?

*stomp stomp stomp*

PeeDee · Sep 16, 2006

Maryn said:
Ah, so that explains the brow ridge!

Maryn, too polite to ask

What? It keeps the rain out of my eyes. Lemme 'lone.

Maryn · Sep 16, 2006

Aw, isn't that adorable! Look how red he gets, and the throbby vein in his forehead. Mr. Throbby!

When's dinner?

Maryn, watching the game

PeeDee · Sep 16, 2006

This is why Jackie Gleason was so angry all the time. Honest, it is.

Rob-rite · Sep 16, 2006

I'm utterly convinced that men have monthlys too.

Does anyone have oppinions on this?

DeborahM · Sep 16, 2006

Rob-rite said:
I'm utterly convinced that men have monthlys too.

Does anyone have oppinions on this?

I believe they do, they may not go through the exact same symptoms but men do have their own cycles.

Then, later women go through their change in life...so do men! It is only natural...we are talking about human bodies.

DeborahM · Sep 16, 2006

KTC said:
You've been talking to Mrs. KTC!

And you thought you were safe!

Women and cats stick together!

billythrilly7th · Sep 16, 2006

Advice:
A. If a women asks you how old she looks, no matter what, under all circumstances say 10 years younger than you think.

ALL CIRCUMSTANCES!!!!

TAKE NO CHANCES!!!

GIRL
"How old do I look?"
ME
(V.O.)
She looks about 35-37
(with the sincerity of Buddhist Monk on Holy Day)
"Uh...Like 25-26?"

NEVER GIVE INTO TEMPTATION TO TELL THE TRUTH, EVEN IF SHE SAYS

"No, it's okay, tell me how old you really think."

10 years younger in all circumstances!!!

B. Always cut your finger nails.

A couple tips from Uncle Billy.

PeeDee · Sep 16, 2006

No, it's okay, you can leave your fingernails long. You don't have to shave, bathe, wear clothes without holes in them, et cetera. I've met some really terrifyingly disgusting men, and they're mostly married or have steady girlfriends.

Girls really do go for what's inside a guy, I guess. Lord knows why. Shallow is so much easier (potentially safer for the gene pool).

I mean, brilliant literary mind Alan Moore looks like this:

(agh! Sorry! I got "SpookyWriter" and "AlanMoore" mixed up! Easy to do, though, since Alan Moore looks like this

....and he's married! So that proves the point I started way up at the top of this post!

tiny · Sep 16, 2006

If she's a hag all month, it's not hormones is just a fact. Run.

Advice for Men!

I need espresso & chocolate!

Still around

Mexican on the loose!

Character assassin

Mexican on the loose!

Fear the Death Ray

Unabashed Mercenary

I need espresso & chocolate!

Salt water is the cure

Baaa!

Unabashed Mercenary

delicate #!&@*#! flower

Where's my tea, please...?

Baaa!

Where's my tea, please...?

Where's my tea, please...?

Baaa!

Where's my tea, please...?

A wanderer returning...

I need espresso & chocolate!

I need espresso & chocolate!

Where's my tea, please...?

riding the sun