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deacon
09-07-2006, 01:16 AM
take a break from the serious subjects. i'll even tell you a joke first!

a man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
suddenly, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him up at 5:00 am to catch a business flight.

not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "please wake me at 5:00 am" and left it where she would find it.

the next morning, the man woke up, only to discover he had overslept and it was 9:00 am. he had missed his flight.
furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he saw a piece of paper by his side of the bed.
the paper said, "it is 5:00 am, wake up"

men are not equipped for these kinds of games! :)

.

Mom'sWrite
09-07-2006, 01:19 AM
My favorite time of the year - The Darwin Awards!



You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to
the
person who improved the "gene pool" the most by killing themselves in
the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year
has been keen... the candidates this year are .
****************************************
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to
retrieve his car keys.
****************************************
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he
ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
*****************************************
Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8 -foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel
Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had
been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and
shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of
Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers
using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200
people
looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
**********************************************
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had
placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of
his
skull as he hit the floor.
**************************************************
Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed in Selbyville, Del, as he
won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with
four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
*******************************************
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington, DC
appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a
previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, A gun shop specializing in
handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3 To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police
patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee
before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a
hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer
with a 9mm GLOCK 17, the clerk with a .50 DESERT EAGLE, assisted by
several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also
fired.
The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.
Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the
shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics
identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in
the
exchange of fire.
************************************************
HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his
wife
Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in
their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the
dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen,
but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.
***********************************************
RUNNER UP: TACOMA, WA.
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows
Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and
at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.
Upon
arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had
brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered
and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of
the cable was secured around
Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and
was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is
that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other
explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
************************************************** ***********
AND THE WINNER:
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his
constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than
a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked
Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and
lay
unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of
him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.
With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least
an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he
suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that
proves
that **** happens.

The guy in the gun shop had me ROFL!

_____

MidnightMuse
09-07-2006, 01:20 AM
RUNNER UP: TACOMA, WA.
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them
said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows
Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and
at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.
Upon
arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had
brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
volunteered
and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of
the cable was secured around
Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and
was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is
that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other
explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
************************************************** ***********


_____

River? They're calling a shipping channel in the Puget Sound a RIVER?

Talk about Darwin awards.

davids
09-07-2006, 01:21 AM
Here is one my 8 year old grandson told me-riddle actually

What does a rich Tibetan drive

A cattleyak

Now from an eight year old-cute-and funny-at least for grandpappys

TrainofThought
09-07-2006, 01:30 AM
I have one that may offend, so I will try this one first.

THREE WOMEN - ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING
NAKED IN A JACUZZI.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.

THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTING A FAX."

Opty
09-07-2006, 01:34 AM
Since it's college football season...

Q: How do you circumsize a Tennessee Vols fan?

A: Kick his sister in the chin.

StoryG27
09-07-2006, 01:40 AM
After marriage, there are three different stages of sex.

The first stage: House Sex.
This occurs during the first few years of marriage and you have sex in any room of the house whenever the urge strikes.

The second stage: Bedroom sex.
After the kids are born and while you are raising them, most of your sexual activity is limited to the bedroom.

The third stage: Hall sex.
The kids are older now, and you've graduated to hall sex, meaning you and your spouse pass each other in the hall and say, "Screw you."


*Of course, this isn't true, but the joke always made me smile and it's the only one I can think of right now.*

TrainofThought
09-07-2006, 01:41 AM
You might find this funny. A mishap of mine. http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?p=777034#post777034 (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?p=777034#post777034)

Mom'sWrite
09-07-2006, 01:56 AM
I just found this thread in the vault. (It was near the top.) It's a hoot!

http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=37302

All hail Mom the Tormentor! Let's keep those kids in therapy for a long time to come.:D

smiley10000
09-07-2006, 01:57 AM
Please don't throw anything, it's all I can think of off the top of my head...

G-d made women beautiful and stupid.

Beautiful, so that man would fall in love with her.

Stupid, so the she would fall in love with man.

:tongue 10000

Maryn
09-07-2006, 01:58 AM
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the loan officer. He can see from her name plate that the officer's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief. “How much do you want to borrow?”

“Thirty thousands dollars should do it.”

Ms. Whack starts filling out the loan paperwork. “Name?”

“Kermit Jagger. My dad’s Mick Jagger. Listen, you don’t need all those papers. I know the bank manager. Just get me the loan, okay?”

“This is a substantial amount of money. The bank will need collateral against the loan, just in case you can’t repay it. Do you have anything you can use as collateral?”

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

bluejester12
09-07-2006, 02:22 AM
Since it's college football season...




Q: How many college football players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One, but he gets three credits for doing it.

kristie911
09-07-2006, 02:53 AM
This is the only one I have that's not a dirty joke...I rarely remember anything "clean"! :D

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of
goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts
flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now, though," mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily. "He had such curly
hair when he was born."

"He's a martyr, too," says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me," says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18,"
she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
started school."

"He is a martyr, also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

deacon
09-07-2006, 03:00 AM
lol. some really good ones there! here's a pretty good one.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Soccer Mom
09-07-2006, 03:12 AM
Here's an oldie:

Two nuns and a priest are playing golf. At the first hole, the priest hooks it badly. "G@dd@m!t I missed!"

One of the nuns shakes her finger at him. "Unh-unh-unh! Better cut that out or the Lord's gonna strike you with lighting."

Second hole and this time the priest slices it into the rough. "G@dd@m!t I missed!"

The other nun shakes her finger at him. "You'd better stop saying that or the Lord's gonna get you."

Third hole and once again, the priest misses the fairway and lands in a sandtrap. No sooner are the words, "G@dd@m!t I missed!" out of his mouth, then a bolt of lighting strikes the two nuns dead.

As the priest stands there in shocked disbelief he hears a booming voice from the sky. "G@dd@m!t I missed!"

deacon
09-07-2006, 03:39 AM
good one, soccer mom. new to me.

tom and his wife went to a seminar dealing with communication.
after a few minutes the instructor asked tom, "can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

tom leaned over to his wife and said, "it's pillsbury, isn't it?"

writerterri
09-07-2006, 04:34 AM
Those were funny!


Jenny didn't have a fun home life. Everyone always argued and fought. She lived with her grandma, mother and father. One night while praying she had the idea to somehow get rid of them. She didn't know but her mom was listening at the door.

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Kitty and goodbye Grandma!"

The next day the grandma died. The mother was worried as she listened to the next night's prayers.

"God bless Mommy, God bless Kitty and goodbye Daddy."

The mother was very worried but didn't say anything to the dad.

Well Daddy went to work the next day and on his way he got a flat tire. He got to work and found out he was fired. Then on the way home he stopped at the bank and found out he was 500 dollars overdrawn. He decided the day couldn't get any worse and he headed home and didn't realize he had left his wallet behind and someone stole it.

To his wife's relief he walked through the door. "Honey I've had the worst day possible!"

She interrupted him. "You think you've had a bad day, the mail man came to deliver the mail and dropped dead on the porch!"


(goodbye daddy!)

:tongue

I just spent 5 minutes explaining that one to my husband. DUH!

Maryn
09-07-2006, 05:10 AM
I got it right away, Terri, and laughed.

Or is that because my brown-haired parents had two red-haired kids first, and my Uncle Rick used to come by during the day to drive Mom around, since she didn't drive then, and he'd wear a red wig when he visited, snatching it off just as my mom answered the door?

PattiTheWicked
09-07-2006, 05:11 AM
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck down the front of his pants. The bartender says to him, "Ar, there, mate, ye've got a ship's wheel down the front of yer pants."

The pirate says, "Arr, it's drivin' me nuts."

deacon
09-07-2006, 05:29 AM
hilarious, patti !

Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Luella, was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.

The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Luella has been charged with a Misdewiener.

TrainofThought
09-07-2006, 05:41 AM
Little Johnny is in class. The teacher asks someone to use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence.

Johnny raises his hand and the teacher calls on Mary. Mary says, “The sky is definitely blue.” The teacher tells her that is wrong. It can be other colors.

Johnny raises his hand and the teacher calls on Jimmy. Jimmy says, “The grass is definitely green.” The teacher tells him that is wrong. It can be other colors.

Johnny is now waving his arm and the teacher finally calls on him. Johnny asks, “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher looks confused and responds no. Johnny says, “Then I definitely sh!t in my pants.”

Silver King
09-07-2006, 05:54 AM
I went to a Halloween party once where everyone was dressed as an emotion. I walked in wearing nothing but a pear covering the front of my, ahem, member.

When the host saw me, he was infuriated. He said, "What are you doing? You were supposed to come dressed like an emotion!"

"I am," I said. "I'm in dis-pear."

earthshoes
09-07-2006, 06:05 AM
THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf country
club. A Cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the
hands free Speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in
the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted
Last year is back on the market. They're only asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, go ahead and make them an offer of $900,000.
They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
Staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone
belongs to?"

Soccer Mom
09-07-2006, 06:19 AM
Three strings walk up to a bar. They're really thirsty.

"Man, I could go for a beer," says one.

"Dunno," says string two. "Doesn't look like a string bar to me."

String one goes into the bar and is shortly thrown out.

String two goes in and makes it as far as the bartender. "I'd like to buy a beer." He's immediately thrown out.

String three sees this and ties himself into a knot. He rubs the top of his head until the strands stand out wildly. He goes in. The bartender looks up suspiciously. "Are you a string? Cause we don't serve that kind in here."

"Am I a string? No, I'm a frayed knot."

BottomlessCup
09-07-2006, 06:20 AM
A scientist is in the jungle studying ants.

He looks up from his work and sees that he's surrounded by angry, spear-brandishing natives.

He says, "Oh God. I'm f*cked."

A big, booming voice comes from sky: "No, my son. You are not f*cked. Grab the spear from the man closest to you."

The scientist grabs the spear and looks up, "Okay?"

God says, "See the man with the big headdress? Stab him in the heart."

The scientist does so and watches the chief die a howling, bloody death. Scientist looks up and says, "Now what?"

God says, "Now, you're f*cked."

Stew21
09-07-2006, 06:36 AM
ok, true story. I'll try to keep it short.
I am at my usual hang-out tavern, Tiny's. My friend, Dave is there. He's in Environemental/waste management line of work. Owner of the bar, Donnie, is putting a new keg on, and is priming the line. fills up a styrofoam cup with beer - foamy. It's Dave's brand. Puts the cup in front of Dave and says when that settles, drink it. (free beer, right?) Dave looks at it, puzzled. It's in styrofoam.
I say, "oh yea, put styrofoam in front of the waste management guy. Dave, if you put that to your lips, no matter how much you want the free beer, you will spontaneously decombust."
He dies laughing, Decombust isn't a word. He thinks this is hysterical and it is sort of funny, but in order to save face after he laughs at me for 5 minutes, I tell him, it IS a real word. He argues, because he does that sort of thing.
I say, "Decombust. When a woman wipes her chest with a towel after sex. Decombust." Of course he spits beer because he's laughing, but bartender Kellie goes a step further. "Well if your going to have decombust, there must be decomchin. And for the lonely guys"....this is the part I spit out MY beer, "decomsock"


I know...it's not that funny....you probably had to be there.
New word: decombust. Don't forget it! :D

Silver King
09-07-2006, 06:41 AM
A wealthy woman is about to go out with friends for a few drinks when she gives her butler the night off.

She returns later that night, very tipsy, and sees the butler. He's blushing, and she says, "I thought I told you to go home?"

Before he can answer, she adds, "Look, while you're here, why don't you take off my dress?"

He's embarrassed by the request yet does as he's told.

She says, "While you're at it, get rid of the stockings and shoes, too. And don't forget my bra and panties as well."

When the man is finished, she says, "Now if I EVER catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

SpookyWriter
09-07-2006, 06:53 AM
President Bush will win a third term in office. Funny?

ChaosTitan
09-07-2006, 07:09 AM
I don't remember if I've told this joke yet, so here goes.


Four men from four different states were taking a cross country trip in a car. One man was from Idaho, the second from Kansas, the third from Delaware, and the fourth Pennsylvania.

A few hours into the trip, the Idahoan grabs his duffle bag, opens it, and starts tossing potatoes out the open window. The Kansas man watches for a moment, and then asks, "What are you doing that for?"

The Idahoan replies, "We've got so many potatoes in Idaho that I just can't stand looking at them anymore. I've got to get rid of them!"

The Kansas man thinks about this for a minute. He gets his duffel bag, opens it, and starts throwing ears of corn out the window. The man from Delaware takes notice, observes, and then asks, "What are you doing that for?"

"I'm inspired," the Kansas man said. "There is so much corn in Kansas that I'm just plain sick of looking at it. I want it out of the car."

The man from Delaware ponders this for several minutes. Then he opens the door and kicks the Pennsylvanian out of the car.


It may be local humor, but my family always gets a kick out of this joke. ;)

Serenity
09-07-2006, 07:13 AM
Hey! I resemble that remark....

:e2beat:

Unfortunately, the only jokes I know were told to me by pre-schoolers or are too lewd to say in mixed (age wise :D) company.

persiphone_hellecat
09-07-2006, 07:19 AM
OK here goes ..

Dad is standing outside the bathroom door knocking and knocking. Son is inside. Finally Dad breaks the door down and yells "Don't you know masturbation can make you blind?" The son says, "Well sure Dad. Only I'm over here."

*********

It's the mailman's last day of work. As he makes his rounds, he receives gifts and envelopes from the people who have been on his route for a very long time. He arrives at one house, and Mrs. Johnson is standing there in a totally see through negligee. She drags him in the house, up the stairs, into the bedroom and makes wild love to him. Afterwards, she takes him down to the kitchen and cooks him a huge breakfast. After he is done, she hands him a dollar and sends him on his way. He asks her to explain her actions. She says, "Before my husband went to work today, I told him the mailman was retiring and asked what I should give him." My husband replied, "F*ck him - give him a dollar. Breakfast was MY idea."

More later...

SpookyWriter
09-07-2006, 07:20 AM
Four men from four different states were taking a cross country trip in a car. One man was from Idaho, the second from Kansas, the third from Delaware, and the fourth Pennsylvania.
Hey that's only three states. Delaware doesn't count since they forgot to send in their offical state seal during the signing of the declaration of independence. So what was the joke again?

ChaosTitan
09-07-2006, 07:21 AM
Hey that's only three states. Delaware doesn't count since they forgot to send in their offical state seal during the signing of the declaration of independence. So what was the joke again?

So what? We signed first, we're the first State! :tongue

persiphone_hellecat
09-07-2006, 07:22 AM
Bill and Hillary Clinton and Al Gore all perish in a terrible accident and end up at the gates of Heaven together.

God asks them to each explain why they feel they deserve to be there.

Al says "Well I worked very hard for the environment and after all, I did invent the internet." He is admitted to Heaven.

Bill goes next. He says, "Well, I worked very hard for the common man. I served as President for 8 years and I think I did a lot for people during that time." He is admitted.

God looks at Hillary who says. "You're sitting in my seat"

SpookyWriter
09-07-2006, 07:23 AM
So what? We signed first, we're the first State! :tongueGo check the signature again. Ronald McDonald doesn't count...:roll:

persiphone_hellecat
09-07-2006, 07:23 AM
Do you know how many men it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

Five. One to do the actual screwing and four to listen to him brag about it over beers.

SpookyWriter
09-07-2006, 07:25 AM
Do you know how many men it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

Five. One to do the actual screwing and four to listen to him brag about it over beers.Do you know how many women it takes to screw in a light bulb?

For $5.00 each guys will pay to watch. :roll:

Silver King
09-07-2006, 07:38 AM
I was having a beer with a drunken friend the other day. An attractive woman came in and sat across from us at the bar. She raised her arm to order a drink, and I could tell she was unshaved.

My friend said to the barman, "Hey, get that ballerina a drink on me."

She smiled and tipped her glass, and when she was ready for more, she brought her arm up again, revealing a dark forest which increasingly became attractive with each drink she ordered.

Each time, my friend would buy the "ballerina" a drink. Finally, I said, "How do you know she's a dancer?"

He looked at me strangely, and said, "Are you stupid or something? Only a ballerina can lift her leg up over her head that high."

SpookyWriter
09-07-2006, 07:52 AM
I was having a beer with a drunken friend the other day. An attractive woman came in and sat across from us at the bar. She raised her arm to order a drink, and I could tell she was unshaved.

My friend said to the barman, "Hey, get that ballerina a drink on me."

She smiled and tipped her glass, and when she was ready for more, she brought her arm up again, revealing a dark forest which increasingly became attractive with each drink she ordered.

Each time, my friend would buy the "ballerina" a drink. Finally, I said, "How do you know she's a dancer?"

He looked at me strangely, and said, "Are you stupid or something? Only a ballerina can lift her leg up over her head that high.":roll:

persiphone_hellecat
09-07-2006, 07:52 AM
come on folks, Im giving out reps for these!!

deacon
09-07-2006, 07:55 AM
a thirteen year old boy went to a brothel and asked the madam, "do you have any girls with gonorrhea?"
the madam was shocked and said, "no, why do you ask?"
the boy said, "i want one with gonorhea, so i'll catch it"
the madam was amazed and asked, "why do you want vd?"
the boy said, "i want to give it to the baby-sitter"
madam asked, "what did she do to you?"
the boy said, "nothing, i want my dad to catch it off of her"
madam said, "oh, so you're mad at your dad"
the boy said, "no, i want dad to give it to mom"
the madam said, "what did mom do to you"
the boy said, "nothing, but she'll give it to the postman, and that's the
mother-fvcker that ran over my dog!"

BottomlessCup
09-07-2006, 08:02 AM
A man sees an ad in the classifieds: "Talking Dog - $20."

He figures it's worth investigating and heads to the listed address.

The dog's owner says, "It's around back. Feel free to check it out."

He heads around back and finds a scruffy mutt. Skeptically, he says, "So. How did you learn to talk?"

The dog says, "Well, the KGB trained me as a spy in the 80s. Of course, the morons taught me Russian - to spy in America! I learned English when I defected to the US. The CIA sent me to Yale in appreciation for my help in the Cold War effort. After school, I spent a few years working with the ACLU on some vital animal rights cases. After that, I had a brief but thrilling career in Hollywood. You've probably seen some of my work. Eventually, I felt the call of public service again and spent some time helping revitalize the UNICEF program and designing the US's policies for pediatric AIDS reduction in Africa. And now, I'm retired."

The man says, "I'll be right back."

He goes back to the owner and says, "Holy crap! I'll take it. But I have to ask - why are you selling such an amazing dog so cheap?"

The owner says, "Why? 'Cause he's a fricking liar! He never did any of that sh1t."

deacon
09-07-2006, 08:05 AM
lyin' dog! good one, bc!
:roll:

Bmwhtly
09-07-2006, 12:12 PM
I may have told this another thread, but I'm not above repeating myself.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

Forbidden Snowflake
09-07-2006, 12:35 PM
Oh my, I love them :D

What is huge and blue and kills you if it falls onto your head?
The Pacific Ocean

I suck, I know.

Bmwhtly
09-07-2006, 12:50 PM
Police found two kids. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
The police charged one and let the other one off.

I think I've told that one before too, but I have a limited repertoire.

aadams73
09-07-2006, 01:32 PM
Mommy mommy can I lick the bowl?

No, son, flush it like everyone else.

DamaNegra
09-07-2006, 04:27 PM
Note: Pepito is a classic of Mexican jokes. He's famous for being a little pervert, precocious, witty and the horror of any adult :D

The neighbor goes to Pepito and angrily says:
"I complained to your father that you're always mimicking me. Did he say anything to you?"
"Yes," replied Pepito. "He told me to stop acting like an idiot."

:D

TrainofThought
09-07-2006, 05:24 PM
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me
the name of you willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan
'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS,
because 'It Really Satisfies.' "

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer,
"Hey bud,what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "
'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen
to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call
yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
"'Quality is Job One" "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before
he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy
is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a
beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN,
BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!!'

Soccer Mom
09-07-2006, 06:01 PM
Girl goes off to college and gets assigned a roommate in the dorm. They're pretty different people, but they learn to deal with each other. Roommate is a crunchy granola kind of girl and belongs to all sorts of enviro and nudist groups.

One Friday night girl and her boyfriend are are in room and roommate comes in walking really funny, like a bowlegged cowboy after a three day ride. After she waddles out BF turns to girl "What the heck is wrong with her?"

"Nothing. That's my new roommate."

"But the way she walks!"

"Oh, she's just got a big date at the nudist colony tonight."

"But why the walk?"

"I just told you. It's a big date and she wants to look nice so she put her hair up in curlers."

Mom'sWrite
09-07-2006, 08:19 PM
Are you having a jellyfish bad day?



> If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is
> even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at
> work ... Think of this guy:
>


> Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
> He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
> E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2
> On FM dial in Ft Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job Experience contest.


>
> Needless to say, she won.




>
> Hi Sue,


>
> Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
>


> As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air
hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.



Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the
jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.



I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was then instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stop totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my Brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire Out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.



Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my Job." Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?




May you NEVER have a jelly fish bad day!

ChaosTitan
09-07-2006, 09:32 PM
May you NEVER have a jelly fish bad day!






:roll: :roll: :roll:

Stew21
09-07-2006, 11:36 PM
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


* Get your drunkass off the merry-go-round. *

arrowqueen
09-08-2006, 01:26 AM
I've told this one before - but tough.

Stevie Wonder was given a cheese-grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

SpookyWriter
09-08-2006, 01:27 AM
I've told this one before - but tough.

Stevie Wonder was given a cheese-grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.:roll:

Godfather
09-08-2006, 01:36 AM
Sorry if I offend.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?




LETS RIDE BIKES!!!!!

BottomlessCup
09-08-2006, 05:17 AM
Q: What did the editor say to the bad speller?
A: You make me [sic].

TrainofThought
09-08-2006, 09:14 AM
An Illinois woman and an East Coast woman are sitting next to each other on a plane.

The Illinois woman turns to the East Coast woman and asks, “So, where are you from?”

The East Coast woman says, “A place where we know better then to end our sentences with a preposition.”

The Illinois woman thinks for a minute and turns back to the East Coast Woman asking, “So, where are you from B!tch?”

deacon
09-08-2006, 09:40 AM
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down her face.

Her praying finally roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."

"I know, darling," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

Bmwhtly
09-08-2006, 04:38 PM
Since there are a lot of American-stereotype jokes here. I'll throw in one for anyone in the UK (apart from England):

It is just before England v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game.

Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're always sh*te and we just can't be bothered".

Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England all by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads

Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes).

He is beating England all by himself.

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the TV on again.

Result from the Stadium Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Beckham 89 minutes).

They can't believe it; he has single handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho.

They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down boys, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft; you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

Bmwhtly
09-08-2006, 04:41 PM
OK, one for our American Brethren:

> > HILLBILLY MIRROR

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing
what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my
daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his
wife, Lizzy,didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One
day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly witch
he's runnin' around with."

Eveningsdawn
09-08-2006, 06:08 PM
I've got some. These are my brother's favorite jokes... which should tell you something about my brother.



What's green and has wheels?



Grass. I was lying about the wheels.





What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree can kill you?




A pool table.



What's brown and sticky?



A stick.




What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?



Nacho cheese. (This one is better if you say it out loud).



My favorites are dead baby jokes (which should tell you something about me) and completely unprintable.

aadams73
09-08-2006, 06:48 PM
Three men had a very late night drinking beer. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

"You think that was drunk?" said the second guy. "I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!" There was silence for a moment and then the first guy exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."

Godfather
09-08-2006, 08:42 PM
What's the difference between a basin and a bison?


You wash your hands in one, the others a South American buffalo

aadams73
09-08-2006, 09:00 PM
What did the buffalo say to his son on the first day of school?

Bison

Stew21
09-08-2006, 10:31 PM
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

Soccer Mom
09-09-2006, 02:53 AM
Nobody rat me out to OFG and Deacon:

Why doesn't Texas fall off into the ocean?

Cause Oklahoma sucks.

Bwahhahahahahaha--oh wait. Who was OP? Crap. Busted.

arrowqueen
09-09-2006, 03:59 AM
A wee Scots couple go to America. While they're there, they visit a rodeo. There's a bucking bronco competition and the husband decides to enter.

The bronco is let loose and bucks and bounces all over the arena, but the Scot stays mounted, no bother at all, and wins the prize.

'My Goad, Angus,' says his wife. 'Where did you learn to do that?'

'Och, Senga,' he says. 'Do you not mind last year when you had the whooping-cough?'

PeeDee
09-09-2006, 04:25 AM
Police have found a cow, dead on the side of the road. It was killed with two small porcilain figures that were shoved violently up its nostrils.

Police are calling this the first ever case of knick-knack patty whack.

DamaNegra
09-09-2006, 05:02 AM
The husband was on his deathbed. His wife cried uncontrolably by his side, and asked:
"Oh, my dear! Don't leave me like this! At least leave me something to remember you."
"I will," the man croaks.
"What will you leave me, my dear?" He motions for his wife to come closer to him so he can whisper into her ear.
"I'm going to leave you a widow."

Silver King
09-09-2006, 05:08 AM
When I was a kid, my sister came home one day with a dollar. My mom said, "Where did you get that?"

She explained that a boy had paid her to do cartwheels on the sidewalk. My mom became distressed and said the boy was only getting his jollies by seeing her panties when her skirt opened. She warned her not to do it again.

The following day, my sister came home with five dollars from the same boy. My mom was very angry. "I told you to stay away from that little pervert!"

My sister became defensive and said, "But I fooled him this time, Mom. I wasn't wearing my panties."

deacon
09-09-2006, 05:09 AM
Nobody rat me out to OFG and Deacon:

Why doesn't Texas fall off into the ocean?

Cause Oklahoma sucks.

Bwahhahahahahaha--oh wait. Who was OP? Crap. Busted.

you're mean. here:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Silver King
09-09-2006, 07:08 AM
I was having a drink in a bar one day when a man walked in with a tall bird on his shoulder. He ordered a beer. The bird hopped off his arm and knocked my glass over. Then it tried to peck out my eyes. I struggled to subdue the beast, and the man finally regained control of the animal.

He said, "Don't mind him. I've always wanted a ten-inch prick, and he's the best I can manage."

dancingandflying
09-09-2006, 07:32 AM
you might have to read this one aloud to get it.

a guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. a little man about a twelve inches tall jumps out of his pocket and lands on the counter. the bartender is beside himself. he says, "wow. that is so amazing. can he do any tricks?"
the little man walks over to the piano and begins playing.
the bartender says, "wow. wherever did you get that little man?"
the guy responds, "a genie outside. if you ask him, he'll grant you one wish."
so, the bartender goes outside and spies the genie. he walks over and says, "i wish from a million dollars."
bam! the bartender ends up with a handful of doll hairs. he walks back inside, disappointed. he tells the man, "that's stupid. i asked for a million dollars and ended up with a million doll hairs."
the man just looks up and responds, "do you really think i asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

:ROFL::ROFL::ROFL:
dancingandflying.

Soccer Mom
09-10-2006, 01:07 AM
Does your mother know you're telling that joke, young lady? Seriously though, Bwahahahahahaha. :D 12 inch pianist!

New one for today: following a shipwreck, a man finds his way to a tropical island. This island is not deserted, in fact there are three other survivors from a previous shipwreck living there.

He first night on the island, the man notices something strange. Periodically, one of his new friends shoutd out a number and the other two laugh hysterically. Finally, he has to ask what's going on. One of the men explains that since they've all been together too long and they've heard each others jokes so many times that each joke has been given a number.

The man thinks about this and remembers that number 19 seems to always get the biggest laugh, so he bides his time until they are feasting on coconuts. "Nineteen," he yells to blank stares.

The other men shake their heads. "Just goes to show. Some people can't tell a joke."

TrainofThought
09-10-2006, 01:22 AM
1) Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the sh!t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

2) What's the difference between men and bonds? Bonds mature.

3) A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my a$$ coming into work today."

samgail
09-11-2006, 05:06 AM
Wife is in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for
breakfast. Husband walks in and asks "What's for
breakfast?"
She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to
me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the
kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken!"

DamaNegra
09-11-2006, 05:11 AM
Ad in the newspaper:
"Invisible man seeking transparent woman to do things never seen before."

Bmwhtly
09-11-2006, 12:33 PM
One for the married folk out there:
A married couple are walking through the zoo. As they pass the gorilla cage, a breeze wafts the wife’s dress a little higher, showing a lot of leg. The gorilla sees this and starts grunting and banging on the bars. The husband seems to find this funny and convinces his wife to tease the gorilla some more. The wife decides to oblige, she swishes her dress, shows a bare shoulder, wiggles her behind at the gorilla, bends over and shows the gorilla some cleavage.
With each of these provocations, the gorilla gets more and more enthusiastic and the husband more and more amused.
When it looks like the gorilla can’t stand any more, the husband yanks open the cage and throws his wife in.
“Now tell Him you’ve got a headache”

aadams73
09-11-2006, 01:38 PM
What do men and carpet have in common?

If you lay them right you can walk on them for years.

TrainofThought
09-12-2006, 01:23 AM
One day a First Grade teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of @ss!"

Soccer Mom
09-12-2006, 01:55 AM
It's Easter day and the pastor is going down the aisle. he stops at little Cindy. "My goodness, little Cindy," he says. "That is a beautiful Easter dress you have there."

"Thank you," she says sweetly. "Mama says it's a b!tch to iron."

ETA: True story. But not my kids, thankyouJesus!

Soccer Mom
09-12-2006, 02:21 AM
Okay, time for some of my favorite lawyer jokes.

Why don't sharks bite lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What's red and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats kick sand on them.

What's the difference in a lawyer and a tick?
A tick drops off after you're dead.

BottomlessCup
09-12-2006, 02:32 AM
What's the problem with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

Soccer Mom
09-12-2006, 02:34 AM
Pretty good B-cup. Except this lawyer thinks they're hysterical! :D

Silver King
09-12-2006, 02:59 AM
A poor fellow I know had a serious medical problem with his manhood recently. He went to see a doctor and dropped his pants. The doctor was aghast. "My Gawd, we need to cut that thing off immediately to save you!"

The man pulled up his drawers and ran out the door to seek a second opinion. The next doctor, and then a third and a fourth, gave the same prognosis.

Finally, the last doctor was more optimistic. He said, "Don't you worry; there's no need to perform any type of surgery."

The patient was visibly relieved. Then the doctor said, "No matter what we do, you'll be dead in less than a week anyway."

persiphone_hellecat
09-12-2006, 06:20 AM
A woman decides to spice up her sex life so she goes to Victoria's Secret and buys some crotchless panties. Her husband comes home and she walks seductively over to where he is sitting, puts one leg up on the arm of the couch and says "You want some of this baby?" He looks and says "Hell no! Look what it did to those panties."

TrainofThought
09-12-2006, 06:29 AM
A woman wants larger breasts, so she goes to her doctor. He prescribes a cream for her to rub on them every night. At night, she begins to rub the cream over her breasts and her husband asks, “What are you doing?” She says, “I am rubbing this cream on my breasts to make them bigger.” He responds, “Use the toilet paper, look what it’s done to your a$$.”

BottomlessCup
09-12-2006, 06:33 AM
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. Sits down, orders a beer.

A little later, he goes to the bathroom. As soon as the man gets up, the monkey jumps onto the pool table and eats the eight-ball.

When the man comes, the bartender yells, "Hey! Your monkey just ate a pool ball!" The man apologizes, pays for the ball and leaves.

A couple days later, he comes back for a drink with his monkey.

After a while, the man goes to the bathroom again. Once he's gone, the monkey jumps on the bar. It picks up a peanut, sticks it up its butt, then eats it.

When the man gets back, the bartender says, "Hey! Your monkey just stuck a peanut up its butt and ate it!"

The man says, "Yeah. It's been checking the size on everything since that eight-ball."

deacon
09-12-2006, 06:52 AM
what's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?




when a pessimist falls out of a 40 story building, he immediately yells, "i'm going to die!!!"



when an optimist falls out of a 40 story building, as he passes the 5th floor, he smiles, and says, "well, so far, so good!!"

Silver King
09-16-2006, 02:17 AM
I saw a friend with two black eyes and asked him what happened. He explained that a woman at the mall was walking in front of him with her dress caught in her crack. Trying to be helpful, he reached over and pulled the dress free. The woman turned around and smacked him.

"That's awful," I said. "But how'd you get the other black eye?"

He said, "Well, when I saw how mad she got, I tried to stuff the dress back in there again."

poetinahat
09-18-2006, 07:59 AM
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: It's possible to sleep with a light on.

Wordworm
09-18-2006, 08:17 AM
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal," says the man. "I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmurs its approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens his mouth and the man removes his genitals, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheers and the first of his free drinks is delivered. The man stands up again and makes another offer.

"If there's anyone else here who's willing to give it a try, I'll pay you a thousand dollars," he says.

A hush falls over the crowd. Finally, after a moment, a hand goes up in the back of the bar, and a woman timidly speaks up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

persiphone_hellecat
09-18-2006, 11:38 AM
I need a joke right now... BAD mood...

A couple sneak onto a country club golf course to play a few holes. At the 18th, the girl tees off and the ball slices into a row of trees. They hear the tinkling of glass and peek through the trees to see a huge mansion on the other side - with a gigantic broken picture window in the front.

They are panicking. "What do we do know?" he asks.

"I donno," she replies.

Suddenly a little short guy dressed in green comes out of the trees. He says "I think I can help. I'm a lepruchaun and I can fix that window for you. But you have to agree to my terms."

The boyfriend asks "What are they?"

The lepruchaun says, "First I take your girlfriend in the bushes and have my way with her."

The boyfriend looks at her and says. "Fine." as he pushes her towards the bushes.

The lepruchaun says, "Wait a minute - that isnt all of it. When I'm done with her, I want YOU."

Panicking and in a hurry before they get caught and arrested, the boyfriend agrees.

Half an hour later, the lepruchaun and the guy walk back from the bushes. The lepruchaun snaps his fingers and says, "POOF! The window is fixed!"

The boyfriend says, "WOW I can't believe you could fix it so fast."

The guy in green grins and says "And I can't believe you still believe in lepruchauns."

Wordworm
09-19-2006, 09:15 AM
Okay, in that case, one for the ladies...

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During this experience she sees God and asks Him if this is it.

No, says God, and tells her that she has another thirty years to live. So, upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, the whole works. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another thirty years, she might as well make the most of it.

After the final operation, she walks out of the hospital and gets hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she complains, "Hey, I thought you said I had another thirty years?"

God replies, "Oh, sorry. I didn't recognize you."

Wordworm
09-19-2006, 09:24 AM
And one for the geezers...

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing. A young man walks by, and seeing the old man's misery, he stops and asks him what's wrong.

Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You wouldn't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could ever want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love some more."

He breaks down crying again, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "You're right, I don't understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

Through his tears, the old man answers, "I forget where I live."

Soccer Mom
09-21-2006, 02:21 AM
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had
been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

aadams73
09-21-2006, 02:28 AM
Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spaghetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.

Mommy, mommy, but I don't want to eat spaghetti again.
Shut up or I'll put your other arm in the meat grinder.

Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning?
Shut up son, and keep licking.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant?
Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's too tough!
"Shut up and keep chewing!"

Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma's nail.
Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!

Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!

Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

jbal
09-21-2006, 04:37 AM
This isn't really a joke, but something my son said at age two.
My wife and I decided on one word for his three piece set early on so he wouldn't learn every word for it, and we settled on "package"
He refers to it (with some affection) as his "pack-pack".
So one day he's eating macaroni and I let him use an adult fork vbecause the wife was asleep. He spilled a bunch in his lap. When I got him out of the high chair and went to clean the macaroni off his lap he says:
"heh heh...packaroni"
I had to wake up the wife to tell her that one.

TsukiRyoko
09-21-2006, 04:54 AM
:roll:

expatbrat
09-21-2006, 08:04 AM
What did the blonde call her pet zebra?

Spot.

Wordworm
09-21-2006, 09:01 AM
For fans of Grammar for Grasshoppers...

A linguistics professor is lecturing his class.

"In English," he explains, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

"However," he continues, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room pipes up, "Yeah, right."

Wordworm
09-21-2006, 09:04 AM
And for the westerners...

A New York family buy a ranch out west where they intend to raise cattle. Friends come to visit and ask if the ranch has a name yet.

"Well," says the would-be-cattleman, "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none have survived the branding."

littlewriter
09-21-2006, 11:32 AM
What's green and slimy and hangs around in trees??
.................
......................
...........................
.................................
......................................
.............................................
.................................................. ....


Giraffe snot!!!

lol sorry but my 4 year old cousin told me this and it still makes me laugh!

TrainofThought
09-24-2006, 06:01 AM
An Accountant gets home late one night and his wife asks, “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.” She frowns, “A tattoo? What kind of a tattoo?”
“I got a Hundred Dollar Bill on my privates,” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking? Why on earth would an Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?
“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand, and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

deacon
09-24-2006, 06:22 AM
how to make a woman happy.
be a:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10 a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist

how to make a man happy:

show up naked and bring beer. :D

Silver King
09-24-2006, 07:14 AM
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then another and other. He gulps each one down in a single swallow. The bartender says, "Hey, you must be celebrating."

The man replies, "Yeah, my first blow job."

The barman says, "That's terrific! Here, have one on me."

The man stares at the glass and says, "Thanks. I'm sure eventually these will help get the taste out of my mouth."

deacon
09-24-2006, 07:48 AM
:roll:

http://img169.imageshack.us/img169/1268/kokum2.jpg

Wordworm
09-24-2006, 08:16 AM
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette, a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.

The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question."

arrowqueen
09-26-2006, 12:08 AM
Laura Bush bought "Dubyah" a parrot for George's
birthday. She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart!
George has already taught him to mispronounce over 200
words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you
realize that he just says the words. He doesn't
understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the
parrot."

Saint Fool
09-26-2006, 01:14 AM
A priest, a rabbie, a blonde, and a parrot walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says. "What kind of joke is this?"

persiphone_hellecat
09-26-2006, 01:19 AM
OK - I will share another one...

A Chinese waiter has a mail order bride brought over from China. She is a virgin and knows nothing. At her bridal shower, the other wives tell her all about sex.

The night of their honeymoon, he shyly asks her what kind of sex she would like.

She smiles and says "I want a 69!"

He looks at her incredulously and says "You want beef and broccoli NOW??"

Silver King
09-26-2006, 01:34 AM
Persi just reminded me of what my Chinese girlfriend used to say when referring to 69: "Two-Can-Chew."

Soccer Mom
10-04-2006, 12:15 AM
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the French Riviera, and....."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!

TrainofThought
10-04-2006, 12:38 AM
A son is waiting for his father at the doctor’s office. When the father comes out the son asks if everything is all right. The father responds, “I have cancer. I will die soon. Let’s go have a beer.” They enter the bar and start drinking. The father’s friends pat him on the back and ask how he is doing. The father says he is dying. More beers are bought and they ask what is wrong. The father tells them he has AIDS. The father and son leave the bar and the son says, "I thought you have cancer". The father responds, “I do. I just want them to stay away from your mother.”

NeuroFizz
10-04-2006, 12:54 AM
How do you keep a writer in suspense?

dobiwon
10-04-2006, 01:27 AM
A man and a woman decided to add a little old-time romance to their wedding, so they hire a horse and carriage to take them from the church to the reception. As they were riding along the lane, the horse suddenly stops and won't move. The husband goes around in front of the horse and says "That's one!". He gets back in the carriage and the horse starts up again, but stops after only a few hundred yards. Back around to face the horse again goes the husband. "That's two!", he says. The horse starts back up, but once again only goes a hundred yards or so. The husband goes around in front of the horse and says "That's three!", whereby he pulls out a revolver and shoots the horse dead. The wife starts yelling at him calling him an insensitive so-and-so. She keeps this up for about 30 seconds, after which the husband says "That's one!". They lived happily after after.

Kate Thornton
10-04-2006, 01:48 AM
Okay, they announced the Nobel Prize in Physics today - 2 Americans, Smoot & Mather, for measuring the oldest light in the universe. In their honor, a physics joke:

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender puts it on the bar and walks away.
"Hey, wait!" the neutron says. "How much?"
The bartender looks at the neutron and says, "For you, no charge!"

Silver King
10-04-2006, 01:57 AM
A man goes to see his doctor for a Viagra prescription. He's told to take one tablet about an hour before each encounter.

As luck would have it, he meets three beautiful sisters on his way to the pharmacy. They're very flirtatious, and all three agree to meet him that evening at his home.

The man rushes to have the prescription filled. Later, while waiting for the women, he takes one of the pills. After a minute or so, he notices no change, and takes another. By the time the sisters are due to arrive, he's taken all thirty tablets.

The next day, he returns to see the doctor. He drops his pants, and the doctor cries, "What happened? I've never seen that much damage in my life!"

Near tears, the man says, "I had a date with three sisters. Do you have any Ben Gay?"

The doctor screams, "Ben Gay? You can't put Ben Gay on that type of injury."

The man says, "It's for my right arm. The sisters never showed up last night."

SpookyWriter
10-04-2006, 02:00 AM
:flag:

CaroGirl
10-04-2006, 06:30 AM
This one cracks up my kids:

Why did the mushroom get invited to all the parties?

Because he was a fungi.

TrainofThought
10-10-2006, 05:36 PM
This happened just outside of Spooner, a little town in the northwoods of Wisconsin, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real!

This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown! But, just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran as fast as he could into town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and, with a quivering voice,ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in der rain."

WVWriterGirl
10-10-2006, 08:02 PM
A college-aged fellow comes home at dawn after a night of drinking to find his studious roommate sitting at the breakfast table.

"So, where were you all night?" the roommate asks.

"Man, you will not believe what I did last night. I was on a club crawl, and sometime during the night, I sh1t in a golden toilet!"

"That's impossible. There's no such thing in this town."

"Believe me! Why would I lie?"

The roommate of course doesn't believe the slacker, and after his classes that day, begins to repeat the drunk's club crawl in search of the mysterious golden toilet. Bar after bar, the scholar approaches the bartender and asks if they have a golden toilet; bar after bar, the bartender laughs and then has the scholar thrown out. Finally, he approaches what he has decided will be the last bar of the night.

"Excuse me, sir," the academic asks as he approaches the bar, "but do you have a golden toilet?"

The bartender chuckles a little and looks toward the band.

"Hey, Charlie," the bartender yells, "here's the guy that sh1t in your tuba!"

Eveningsdawn
10-10-2006, 08:04 PM
How do you put an elephant in your refrigerator?





Open the door, put him in, shut the dooor.

How do you put a giraffe in your fridge?




Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, shut the door.

So there's a big jungle meeting today. All the animals are there. Except one. Which?




The giraffe. He's in your fridge.


So you're crossing this crocodile-infested river. How do you get across?





Swim. All the crocodiles are at the jungle meeting.



And the favorite at my college:
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Elefino!
(say it out loud)

PeeDee
10-10-2006, 08:09 PM
I can't figure out if that was horrible, or hilarious... :)

Jongfan
10-10-2006, 08:17 PM
My most favorites are blonde jokes..(its ok,, I am blonde)

What do you call 3 blondes standing ear to ear to ear ??????????








A WIND TUNNEL

Jongfan
10-10-2006, 08:19 PM
Two college buddies are hanging out having a few beers watching t.v.
the news comes on showing a tall building in the downtown area with a man on the roof threatening to jump. One of the friends says to the other, I bet you $ 20.00 he jumps. The second friend say Ok,, your on. 20 minutes late, the man on the roof jumps. The loser paid the winner and says , " you know I thought for sure I would win, I saw this on the noon time news,, but I didn't think he would do it again :

Eveningsdawn
10-11-2006, 02:58 AM
I can't figure out if that was horrible, or hilarious... :)


Go with hilarious.


What do you get when you cross a Collie dog with a melon?






Melancholy babies.

TrainofThought
10-11-2006, 03:36 AM
Okay, I finally signed up for a photo website so I am posting this to test out and pat myself on the back if it works. I'll make sure to make the pictures smaller in the future.

I'm happy to say this will be my last e-mail. Things have been a bit tough lately and life is getting shorter and shorter every day, and I want to take time and smell the roses. So, I am going to quit e-mailing jokes and travel full time with a biker gang to see the country and enjoy life while I still can. Turning 38 has made me open my eyes and see things a little differently. Don't worry about me - they all seem like really nice people. It has been nice e-mailing you!

Oh, a photo of the gang is below...













http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m270/Train_of_Thought/men.jpg

Silver King
10-11-2006, 04:04 AM
I was having lunch this afternoon with a friend when a woman in the next booth started chocking. She stood with her hands at her throat, gasping, her face turning blue. The other diners sat in stunned silence until my friend said, "Watch this."

He jumped up, lifted the woman's skirt above her waist, and licked her backside. Immediately, she spit out the food which had nearly killed her.

My friend sat back down across from me as if nothing had happened. Gauging my reaction, he said, "What? You've never heard of the Hind Lick Maneuver before?"

Rolling Thunder
10-17-2006, 10:25 PM
Flash humor:

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?

If you're driving in a vehicle at the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

TrainofThought
10-24-2006, 04:48 AM
The boss was in a quandary. He had to downsize somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people; Becky or Jack. It was an impossible decision. They were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one to use the water cooler the next morning.

Becky came in with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached and said, "Becky, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like sh!t."

TrainofThought
11-02-2006, 06:50 AM
Q1: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."

Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

TrainofThought
12-01-2006, 11:42 PM
A group of ex-kindergarten children were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked John what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Susie
12-02-2006, 03:18 AM
Thanks so much, for so many great jokes. Really appreciated and you sure made me smile and hope others too! Have a great weekend.

Eveningsdawn
12-02-2006, 07:43 AM
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


He was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?



He was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?


Peer pressure.

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?



He was pretending to be a monkey.

AnnieColleen
12-02-2006, 08:41 AM
How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
Shoot it with a pink elephant gun?
No, you hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a green elephant?
Leave it in the sun til it turns pink, hold its nose til it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a white elephant?
Whirl it around til it turns green, leave it in the sun til it turns pink, hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.



And so on......

Susie
12-02-2006, 09:26 PM
Thanks much, guys. Really appreciate the chuckles. I'm all chuckled out now. :D Hope everybody enjoys the jokes.

DamaNegra
12-05-2006, 09:00 AM
How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
Shoot it with a pink elephant gun?
No, you hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a green elephant?
Leave it in the sun til it turns pink, hold its nose til it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a white elephant?
Whirl it around til it turns green, leave it in the sun til it turns pink, hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.




Continuing with this joke....

How do you kill a yellow elephant???




Duuuuh!! Yellow elephants do not exist!

Silver King
12-05-2006, 09:11 AM
Since we're on colors, why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the light was green.

Why DIDN'T the chicken cross the road?

Because Colonel Sanders was waiting on the other side.

One last riddle: What came first, the chicken or the egg?

You don't know?

Okay, I'll tell you tomorrow...

AnnieColleen
12-05-2006, 09:44 AM
How do you catch a special* rabbit?

U 'neek up on him.

:ROFL:
How do you catch a friendly rabbit?

The tame way, you 'neek up on him.

:hooray:




*how I learned it

Bmwhtly
12-05-2006, 01:27 PM
I think I've told all the tellable jokes I know around this board at one time or another, apart from this one. It's an old, cheesy, end of the pier, scottish one.


A Scotsman and a Native American had a Kid, what did they call it?





Hawkeye the Noo.

arrowqueen
12-06-2006, 01:42 AM
'Hawkeye the Noo'?!!?!?

Ok, who's got the elephant gun?

Eveningsdawn
12-06-2006, 09:32 AM
Why did the egg cross the road?

It had the inclination.



I am ashamed to say my roommate had to have this joke explained to her. Twice.

Jaycinth
12-06-2006, 10:05 PM
THE BUTTOCKS

> > ************************
>
>>A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
>
> >However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
>
>> After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
>
> >One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
>
> >"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
> >

Gray
12-06-2006, 10:34 PM
a little boy is walking down the street dragging a length of chicken wire, he passes an old man sitting on his porch, who calls out to him
"hey what cha doin'
"I'm going to get me some chickens."
"Boy that ain't what thats for."
"Yeah whatever old man you just mid your own buisness"
later that day the little boy walks back by with four chickens tangled up in his chicken wire. The old man just watches him go by.
the next day the same littel boy walks by with a length of duct tape.
the old man calls out to him
"Now what are you doing?"
"I'm going to catch me some ducks."
"You have to be kidding me, everyone knows thats not how you catch ducks."
"Ok old man you just sit there on your porch then."
later that day the boy comes back by dragging three duck tangled in his tape. The old man scratches his head.
the next day the boy came by he had a pussy willow in his hand the old man said
"Let me get my hat."

truelyana
12-06-2006, 10:38 PM
Ive never actually got the logic of jokes. Eventually when i understand them, it doesnt make me laugh. It is just like another story :)

WildScribe
12-06-2006, 10:45 PM
But...But.... She said pussy!!!

truelyana
12-06-2006, 10:46 PM
Pussy cat...?

WildScribe
12-06-2006, 10:46 PM
Maaaaaaybe...

truelyana
12-06-2006, 10:50 PM
Pussy nickname for female organ?

mooncars
12-06-2006, 11:25 PM
A Texas redneck was stopped by a game warden with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while, then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"


Gone fishin'
Rick

TrainofThought
12-19-2006, 06:51 PM
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train
stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the
hell off now.. cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches
who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down
the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind
of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are
to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
your train...but I want you to use nice language"

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...
"All passengers please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip
was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just
boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will
have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who
are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

truelyana
12-19-2006, 07:52 PM
Right, here goes for my first imaginative joke

What do you call a chicken?

TrainofThought
01-10-2007, 07:41 AM
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I Had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

farfromfearless
01-10-2007, 08:20 AM
From my five year old nephew: "What do you call a cat that cheats?"

-- I'll get back to you when I he remembers to tell me.

MajorDrums
01-10-2007, 05:59 PM
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

With a porcupine, all the pricks are on the outside.:Thumbs:

DamaNegra
02-20-2007, 07:41 AM
Reviving thsi thread 'cause i seriously need to laugh. Please?

TrainofThought
02-20-2007, 07:51 AM
Here ya go, but at the looks of your post I think you need to stay away from the bottle. :D

************************************************** ******

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

************************************************** ***********

Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

poetinahat
02-20-2007, 09:02 AM
Tough act to follow, ToT. I'm equipped with Tomato Armor.

This joke, when told by my girlfriend's Irish judge of a great-uncle, was hilarious. Don't blame me for the delivery.

***********************

Pat walks into the local and sees his good friend Mike, sitting at the bar, with a frothy pint at his elbow.

"Mike, old mate! 'Tis good to see you!"

Mike looks up, beams, and replies: "Why Pat, 'tis good ta see ya an' all! Will ya take a drink?"

Pat strides over and says, "Why, yes, Mike, I will!"

"Well, don't take mine."

****************

writerterri
02-20-2007, 09:51 AM
Oi.

dahmnait
02-20-2007, 09:57 AM
Rob's reminded me of something...

--------------------------

There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.

"The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.

"And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Maryn
02-20-2007, 05:55 PM
Oh, we're doing Irish jokes? As a former McCauley, I have one:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

“What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

“Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

“That little sod O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you with his wee fisties. He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy. "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Maryn, bada-bing, bada-boom

dahmnait
02-20-2007, 06:06 PM
I refuse to cater to the Irish bashing. Instead I will tell you one of my favorite tales about a dedicated brother. A true Irishman who puts his brothers before himself...

------

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches him and tells him, "You know, a pint starts going flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."

Rich
02-20-2007, 06:07 PM
Wife: Honey, my car won't start.

Husband--on his way out with fishing gear: Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench? Just call somebody.

Wife--the following day: Honey the washing machine is leaking.

Husband--on his way out with golf clubs: Who do I look like, Honey, the Maytag repair man? Call somebody.

Wife--as husband walks in the door: Guess what? Gary next door fixed the car and the leak in the washing machine.

Husband: Good. Did you give him something?

Wife: Well, I asked. He said either bake him a cake or go to bed with him.

Husband: What did you do?

Wife: Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?

RJLeahy
02-20-2007, 06:39 PM
An burly woman walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder.

"Hey," the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't allow pigs in the bar."

"What are you, an idiot?" the woman says. "It's a parrot, not a pig."

"I was talking to the parrot," he says.

dahmnait
02-20-2007, 06:54 PM
A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the childs level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"

Jaycinth
02-20-2007, 07:08 PM
OOOOOHHHHH....FUN!

Ya'll should stop by the caberet over in Humor.

Lots of jokes, and less morals!

FergieC
02-20-2007, 07:09 PM
OK, I'm going to offend the religious folk...

There's a couple on their way to get married in an Alpine church. Except on the way, there's an avalanche, and both their cars are swept of the road and, tragically, they are both killed. So they arrive at the gates of heaven, still unmarried but in their wedding gear. St Peter is there with his clipboard to welcome them. The woman says, 'Oh but St Peter, we were on our way to get married, and we're desperately in love. We don't want to enter the kingdom of heaven unmarried. As we were on our way to the church, isn't there any way we could get married in heaven and be together for all eternity?'

St Peter scratches his chin and says, 'Hmm, I don't know. No one's ever asked that before. Wait here and I'll find out.'

He disappears, and he's gone for ages, hours turn into days, days into weeks and they're still waiting. And worse, they're really starting to get on each other's nerves. He's having a go at her for asking in the first place, and for wanting to get married in a stupid Alpine church when he'd have been happy with a regisrty office. She's getting fed up with his constant carping and blames him for booking the wedding in the cheap season.

Finally though, St Peter comes back with a smile on his face and says, 'great news, I've sorted it for you; you can get married in heaven.'

'That's great,' the guy says. 'But to be honest, we're having second thoughts about this whole eternity thing. If we do get married, can we get divorced in heaven too?'

And St Peter throws his clip-board down and says, 'For Christ's sake, it took me six weeks to find a priest in here. Now you want me to find a judge and two lawyers?'

TrainofThought
03-13-2007, 06:07 AM
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane. The stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But first, let me ask you a question. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea," to which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Silver King
03-15-2007, 07:51 AM
A friend once asked me if he could suckle my girlfriend's breasts. I didn't think it was a good idea. Then he offered a thousand dollars, and my girl readily agreed.

While they were going at it, in front of me no less, with lots of slurping and moaning sounds, I said, "Hey! That's enough. Give us the money."

Not a word escaped his lips except more wet sounds.

I said, "Did you hear me? It's over. Pay up!"

Between suckles, he said, "I would if I had the money."

Maryn
03-15-2007, 04:33 PM
As St. Patrick's day draws near, it's time to bash my forebears yet again.

Q. What's the similarity between an Irishman and a computer?
A. You have to punch instructions into both of them.

Q. Why are computers smarter than Irishmen?
A. You only have to punch instructions into a computer once.

Q. How do you identify an Irish computer programmer?
A. The screen of his workstation is covered in liquid paper.

Q. How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A. Knock on the hatch.

Q. How do you make an Irish woman burn her ear?
A. Call her up while she's ironing.

Q. What's black and crisp and hangs from the ceiling?
A. An Irish electrician.

Q. What do you do when an Irishman throws a hand grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin out and throw it back.

Q. What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
A. Run he's holding a live hand grenade.

Q. What's written on the bottom of an Irish whiskey bottle?
A. Open other end.

Q. What's written on the top of an Irish whiskey bottle?
A. See other end for instructions.

Q. How do you keep an Irishman amused for hours?
A. Give him a piece of paper with "Please Turn Over" written on both sides.

Q. How is an Irish ladder different from an ordinary one?
A. It has a stop sign at the top.

Q. What do you find at the bottom of an Irish swimming pool?
A. A sign saying "No Smoking."

Q. What are the best three years of an Irishman's life?
A. Third grade.

Q. How does an Irish firing squad line up?
A. One behind the other, OR:
A. In a circle.

Q. What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?
A. Lucky.

Q. What do you call an Irishman with a college degree?
A. A bloody liar.

Q. How can you pick the Irish pirate?
A. He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Q. Why are Irish workers only allowed ten minute tea breaks?
A. Any more than that and they have to be retrained.

Q. Why don't the Irish put ice in their whiskey?
A. The old lady who knew the recipe died.

Q. What's the definition of gross ignorance?
A. 144 Irishmen.

Q. What's an Irish seven-course dinner?
A. A six-pack and a potato.

Did you hear about the Irishman who was given two weeks to live? He decided to take one week in May and the other week in October.

Maryn, whose real name is Gaelic

TrainofThought
03-29-2007, 09:49 PM
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said: "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
************************************************
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"
*****************************************
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
"I was in bed."
The husband asks, ”In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
*****************************************
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

Akuma
03-29-2007, 10:02 PM
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.

This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, " Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"



A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards him. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, " business... I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,"What's your business role at the convention?"

"Lecture," she replied "I'm the lead lecturer and I use information I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

She explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most apt to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I've also discovered that the lover with the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I am so sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"

Fingers
03-29-2007, 10:59 PM
Ms. Johnson was having a speaker in her sixth grade class to lecture about his exploits in WWII as a fighter pilot. She introduces the pilot as Oly Svenson.

Oly speaks: Yes boys and girls, dere I vas cruising along minding my own business, when all of a sudden this fokker comes screaming down at me from out of the sun. Ms. Johnsonis horrified at this and says Oly, we should probably tell the kids that a fokker is a type of german airplane. Isnt that right?

Oly says, Yah, yah, dats right. Only this fokker was a messerschmidt.

dobiwon
04-10-2007, 07:46 PM
Two elementary school boys were walking and one of their classmates passes them. The first boy says, "Her necks dirty". The second one replies, "Her does?"

***

Tommy and Susie were both 5 years old and lived next door to each other. They played together every day and their mothers were best friends. One day, Tommy's mother asked Susie's mother to watch the kids while she went to the store. Both kids went outside to play. It started to rain, but the kids had a grand old time playing in the mud. Susie's mother, noting that they were both covered from head to foot in mud, gathered them both up and carried them to the bathroom, where she drew a bath. She took off their clothes and plopped the two of them into the tub. Susie looks down at herself, then down at Tommy, and announces proudly, "Now I know the difference between Catholics and Protestants."

***

A man wanted to give his new bride a special romantic treat on their wedding day, so he rented a horse-drawn carriage to ride from the church to the reception. They got in, he said "Giddy-up", and the horse started down the street. About a quarter of a mile later, the horse stops and refuses to go any further. The man gets down, goes around in front of the horse, grabs him by the bridle and says "That's one!". Then he gets back in and the horse starts up again. After another quarter-mile, the same thing: horse stops, "That's two!", horse goes again. After the third quarter-mile, the horse stops, but this time the man goes around in front of the horse and says "That's three!", and pulls out a gun and shoots the horse dead.

His bride screams at him "You heartless brute. How could you do such a thing" and on and on. He looks at her and says "That's one!".

They lived happily ever after.

TrainofThought
05-24-2007, 10:23 PM
Skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The little man faints and falls to the floor.The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The Big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,"Turn around."

DeborahM
05-24-2007, 10:59 PM
A blond gets on a plane and immediately sits in first class. The stewardress approches the blond and asks to see her ticket which was for coach. The stewardress asks the blond to please sit in coach. A small discussion begins and the stewardress not wanting to get into it, with the other passengers boarding, returns to the galley.

The pilot seeing this approaches the stewardress and askes what had just happened. When the stewardress is finished explaining the pilot replies, "I'll that care of this." After a few minutes, the pilot returns to the galley and says, "She won't get up and like you, I didn't want to get into a fight in front of the other passengers, so I let her sit there."

As the co-pilot came into the galley, he heard the end of the pilots statment and asked which seat was the blond sitting then said, "My wife's best friend is a blond, I'll take care of this."

The stewardress and pilot watched as the co-pilot talked with the blond, who jumped up, gave the co-pilot a kiss and dashed to coach. "What did you say to her?" the pilot asked. "I just told her first class doesn't land in New York."

DeborahM
05-24-2007, 11:10 PM
One evening, a wife announced she was going to play bingo that night with some friends. Later, she returned with a diamond ring. When the husband saw the ring he told his wife, "You must really be good at bingo!"
His wife smile and replied, "Yes, they have great prizes there."

The next week the wife announces again, she's going to play bingo. That night she came home in a different car. Again, the surprised husband said, "You are great at bingo, You need to keep going!"

The following week, again the wife announced she was playing bingo that night. When she arrived home, her husband was waiting up to see what she came home with and was surprised to see her walk in wearing a fur coat. "Wow, you are really raking in the prizes at bingo!"

"It's a great game and I've done well at it. Honey, would you draw me a bath while I undress? she asked. "Sure," he replied getting up to start her bath for her. When she walked into the bathroom and saw the water only an inch deep, she called out, "I thought you were going to draw me a bath?" He replied, "I didn't want you to get your bingo card wet!"

bikerchick
05-25-2007, 03:32 AM
I called off sick today with an eye problem. "Eye" just couldn't see myself going to work.

*********************

A young man had a job that required him to work late at night. One night he decided to take a short cut through the cemetery and accidentally fell into a freshly dug grave. He could not get out of the deep hole and became quite hysterical. Finally, in complete exhaustion, he sat down in the corner of the grave and fell asleep.
Shortly thereafter a second man decided to walk through the cemetery and fell into the same grave. He too went through great effort to get out until he stepped on the first man who was asleep.
The first man woke up and shouted, "YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF HERE!"
But the second man did.

Pagey's_Girl
05-25-2007, 03:39 AM
Jerry Falwell was waiting at the Pearly Gates while St. Peter confirmed his credentials, when, all at once, a young woman in a red miniskirt jumped the line with a "Hey, Pete, howya doin', handsome?" St. Peter broke into a huge grin, dropped everything, and proceeded to leave the Reverend waiting for almost two hours while he got the newcomer settled in.
When he finally returned, Falwell angrily demanded to know why this snippy young hussy should be given preferential treatment over he, the Reverend Jerry Falwell, who had done such great works on earth?
St. Peter smiled indulgently and replied, "Well, you see, Reverend, back on earth, Helen drove a little red Corvette. She ran red lights, ignored stop signs, tailgated, drag-raced at intersections, you name it - with all due respect, she scared the hell out of more people than you ever did!"

davids
05-25-2007, 03:41 AM
So U2 is in Scotland and they have a packed house-in the middle of the concert Bono asks for the lights to be brought up-he then talks softly to the audience as he begins to slowly clap his hands. He is about to pitch his deal on starving children in Aftica-a worthy cause I might add-"ladies and gentlemen every time I clap my hands a child dies of starvation in Africa!" Out of the back of the auditorium a Scottish voice is heard-"Then stop clappin' yer bloody hands!"

I am know for my poor taste in humor-best I could do-at least I made the attempt!

akiwiguy
05-25-2007, 03:43 AM
I always like really stupid jokes, but anyway...

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

TrainofThought
06-15-2007, 07:26 AM
1. Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
3. Can you hear me NOW?
4. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
5. You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.
6. Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?
7. You put your left hand in, you take you left hand out…
8. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels.
9. If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!
10. Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
11. You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?
12. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

TrainofThought
07-31-2007, 12:58 AM
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to please be gentle, I'm still a virgin. "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

TrainofThought
09-13-2007, 08:26 PM
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

************************************************** ***************

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

************************************************** ***************

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: Take only ONE. God is watching.

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note: Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

bluntforcetrauma
03-27-2008, 09:56 AM
Here's a joke for you all:

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a pub in Dublin. She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit. She points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an old, owly-eyed drunk slams his hand down on the counter and bellows, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
She turns to the patrons and again points around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little ole drunk slaps his money down on the bar and says, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approaches the little ole drunk and says, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your own darn business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why in tarnation do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

Tedium
03-27-2008, 10:15 AM
I just threw up into my mouth a little.

Then I laughed. :tongue

bluntforcetrauma
03-27-2008, 11:18 AM
I just threw up into my mouth a little.

Then I laughed. :tongue


:roll:

dpaterso
03-27-2008, 11:51 AM
:ROFL:

Didn't see that one coming.

-Derek

bluntforcetrauma
03-28-2008, 03:26 AM
If not, here's a joke for ya!



A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Appalachian Writer
03-28-2008, 03:27 AM
I know it's hard to believe, but I actually chuckled!
:roll:
Thanks for the laugh.

rhymegirl
03-28-2008, 03:38 AM
Now that was funny!


ETA: Also, kind of what my novel is about.

reigningcatsndogs
03-28-2008, 03:43 AM
:ROFL: too funny!

Mandy-Jane
03-28-2008, 04:28 AM
I love it.

Ol' Fashioned Girl
03-28-2008, 04:51 AM
:ROFL:

Williebee
03-28-2008, 04:56 AM
be happier if i was the one, won the lottery.

Speaking of lotteries. The Pick Three numbers for the Illinois Lottery for Easter Weekend were 6-6-6.
(Insert your joke here.)

choppersmom
03-28-2008, 06:01 AM
Nice! Thank God I wasn't drinking anything just now.

truelyana
03-28-2008, 06:12 AM
I got that, and even got a smile on my face. :)

Thank you. It is rare for me to go as far as laugh at a joke. Your on the right tracks, I'm smiling. :D

bluntforcetrauma
03-28-2008, 06:32 AM
Did you see this (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=97361) one?


Love to see all your lovely smiling faces!

Joycecwilliams
03-28-2008, 08:20 AM
Funny Joke... made me laugh and it was clean.. :)

bluntforcetrauma
03-28-2008, 08:23 AM
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the other side of the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quckly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Melisande
03-28-2008, 10:49 AM
The Redneck's Dog

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

The redneck said it was his.

"Your dog seems to be in heat," the officer said.

The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

bluntforcetrauma
03-28-2008, 04:39 PM
A POLICE OFFICER PULLS OVER A SPEEDING CAR.
THE OFFICER SAYS, I CLOCKED YOU AT 80 MILES PER HOUR, SIR.
"THE DRIVE SAYS, "GEE, OFFICER I HAD IT ON CRUISE CONTROL AT 60.
PERHAPS YOUR RADAR GUN NEEDS CALIBRATING."

NOT LOOKING UP FROM HER KNITTING THE WIFE SAYS:
"NOW DON'T BE SILLY DEAR, YOU KNOW THAT THIS CAR
DOESN'T HAVE CRUISE CONTROL."

AS THE OFFICER WRITES OUT THE TICKET, THE DRIVER LOOKS
OVER AT HIS WIFE AND GROWLS,
CAN'T YOU PLEASE KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT FOR ONCE?
THE WIFE SMILES DEMURELY AND SAYS, "YOU SHOULD BE
THANKFUL YOUR RADAR DETECTOR WENT OFF WHEN IT DID."

AS THE OFFICER MAKES OUT THE SECOND TICKET FOR THE
ILLEGAL RADAR DETECTOR UNIT, THE MAN GROWLS AT HIS WIFE
AND SAYS THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH, "DARN IT, WOMAN, CAN'T
YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT?

THE OFFICER FROWNS AND SAYS, "AND I NOTICE THAT YOU'RE
NOT WEARING YOUR SEAT BELT, SIR.

THE DRIVER SAYS, "YEAH, WELL YOU SEE OFFICER, I HAD IT ON,
BUT TOOK IT OFF WHEN YOU PULLED ME OVER SO THAT I COULD GET
MY LICENSE OUT OF MY BACK POCKET."

THE WIFE SAYS, "NOW DEAR, YOU KNOW VERY WELL THAT YOU DIDN'T
HAVE YOUR SEAT BELT ON. YOU NEVER WEAR YOUR SEAT BELT WHEN
YOU'RE DRIVING."

AND AS THE POLICE OFFICER IS WRITING OUT THE THIRD TICKET THE
DRIVER TURNS TO HIS WIFE AND BARKS, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

THE OFFICER LOOKS OVER AT THE WOMAN AND ASKS, "DOES YOUR HUSBAND ALWAYS TALK TO YOU THIS WAY, MA'AM?"

"ONLY WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING."

Appalachian Writer
03-28-2008, 04:45 PM
BFT, Do you make these up? If you do, you should write from Leno! I think he'd appreciate it!
:roll:

bluntforcetrauma
03-28-2008, 04:50 PM
Nah. I just pass them on so people can forget their sorrows for a few minutes.

rhymegirl
03-28-2008, 05:06 PM
Ha ha ha! An honest wife. And a naughty husband. Nice combo! :)

Ol' Fashioned Girl
03-28-2008, 08:10 PM
Hang on, folks... we're goin' a'mergin'...

bluntforcetrauma
03-29-2008, 12:18 PM
A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, her neighbour Rob is standing there.

Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500 dollars, and leaves. Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs.

Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Rob from next door," she replies.

"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"

Ol' Fashioned Girl
03-29-2008, 11:41 PM
Communication is EVERYthing in a marriage. :D

DamaNegra
03-30-2008, 12:46 AM
A riddle:

What has a beak but cannot use it, has wings but cannot fly, has legs but cannot walk and has eyes but cannot see?

...


...


...


...


...


...


...


...


...


A dead bird.

bluntforcetrauma
03-30-2008, 05:11 AM
A riddle:

What has a beak but cannot use it, has wings but cannot fly, has legs but cannot walk and has eyes but cannot see?

A dead bird.

:roll:

MoonWriter
03-30-2008, 12:22 PM
Newlyweds on the way to Vegas for their homeymoon experience car trouble and pull in to the only repair shop in the small desert town. The mechanic tells them he won't be able to get the parts until tomorrow's delivery. The couple decide to get a room at the rundown motel next door and make the best of a bad situation by exploring the town.

They come across a dune buggy rental shop and decide to rent one for an hour. After ten minutes under the blazzing sun, the husband stops the buggy and begins to strip. "Not here," the wife says.

"That's not what i was thinking," the husband answers. "I thought we might be cooler without any clothes." The wife agrees and she too removes her clothes and puts them in the back seat.

After another ten minutes, the husband is getting a feel for the buggy and begins to drive more aggressively. He crests the top of a large dune and the buggy goes airborne and lands halfway down the dune, jarring the husband and wife. A large boulder stands directly in their path. The husband cuts the wheel and slams his foot on the brakes so hard that his foot smashes through the rusty floorboard and he can't get it free.

"You're going to have to go for help, honey."

The wife gasps. "Our clothes...they're gone."

"Here, take this," the husband says, handing her his sneaker. "Cover up the best you can."

The wife makes it to the highway and walks a mile to the repair shop. She hears the mechanic working on a car in the open bay. She stands near the entrance with one arm folded across her chest and the other holding the sneaker. "Excuse me," she says.

The mechanic rolls from under the car. "Yes?"

"Sorry to bother you again, but my husband seems to be stuck."

The mechanic looks her over, sees where the sneaker is, and says, "Ma'am, I'm gonna be honest with you, I don't think I can get him out."

bluntforcetrauma
03-31-2008, 03:55 AM
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".

"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine now, really."

"What about the eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them dropped poop in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender,"you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop?"

"It was my first day with the hook."

bluntforcetrauma
03-31-2008, 08:56 AM
A Texan was stopped by a game warden while carrying an ice chest full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while, then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"

The Texan looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Texan poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the Texan.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

Sonneillon
03-31-2008, 10:38 AM
Anyone up for some schadenfreude? This is rather gross, but a true story told to my husband by his boss, whose sister worked as a nurse in the hospital in which it happened.

An extremely obese (500lbs) man was taken to the hospital in order to get help recovering from his obesity. He was unable to walk, and was at risk of suffocating under his own weight. He had an extremely difficult time at the hospital because they insisted on keeping him to a healthy diet - no more tacos, and no more pizza. Apparently, when given these instructions, he actually began to cry. His typical lunch was 25 supreme tacos, and his typical dinner was 3 large pizzas. He also didn't want to do the exercises assigned to him by the doctors.

Aside from his reluctance, the hospital's biggest problem was the man's wife. She weighed 350lbs and absolutely refused to follow any of the instructions given at the hospital, or learn any of the techniques or recipes they tried to teach her. She also refused to leave her husband alone - the staff had to chastise her for sucking her husband off in their semi-private room once.

One day, the staff heard a tremendous crash. They ran into the man's room searching for the cause and found the hospital bed had collapsed. The wife had tried to have sex with her husband in the bed, but the bed's weight limit was only 700lbs and their combined weight not only broke the supports, but when the wife landed on her husband, she shattered his pelvis and crushed his spine.

He is now permanently paralyzed below the waist. Guess he won't have to do that exercise.

GeorgieB
03-31-2008, 06:50 PM
An Australian farmer was getting a bit concerned over the antics of his 16-year old son. The son was acting a bit rammy, irritable and generally acting a bit pissy.

The father decided that his son needed to get "bred", the euphimism he used for getting laid. He asked his wife about it, and she suggested that he take his son into the neighboring town of Woolaboolabang, where she had heard there was a house of ill-repute.

The father and son set off for the town, found the famous house and entered.

The Head Lady of the Night asked what they required.

"My son needs to get bred," the father declared. "He's never been."

"Well, I have just the lady for him," the Head Lady replied. "Lola!" she called. "Come here."

Lola, a lovely lass wearing but little arrived, and hand in hand she led the young lad upstairs. Once in the bedroom she closed the door. She looked at the lad and removed her blouse.

The lad took one look at her, walked over to the only chair in the room, picked it up and tossed it through the open window.

Lola looked surprised, but thought, "He's from the outback...no telling what he thinks." With that she removed her bra.

The lad took another look, skipped over to the dresser, picked it up and threw it out the window.

"Good grief," Lola thought. "Maybe I should call for help. This lad is getting out of control." But Lola concealed her growing fright as best she could and removed the last of her clothing.

The lad looked at her, up and down, up and down, ran to the bed, grabbed it and with some difficulty threw it out of the window.

"What was that for?" Lola cried, backing up against the door.

The lad replied, "If getting bred is like f**king a kangaroo, we're going to need a lot of room."

bluntforcetrauma
03-31-2008, 08:51 PM
A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house."

As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her bags and get the hell out."

"That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"

"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"

dobiwon
03-31-2008, 09:12 PM
As long as we're on slightly naughty jokes:

A man was despondent that his girlfriend had left him, so he went and joined the French Foreign Legion. He was assigned to a remote outpost in the Sahara desert. Things went fine for the first week or so, but then he beagn to miss the, uh, comraderie...

He asked one of the old-timers what they do to relieve this symptoms, and was told, "There's always the stable of camels out behind the mess tent. All the me do it." He went off shuddering, vowing he'd never stoop that low.

Another week goes by, and he thinks of the advice once more, and it seems less repulsive, but he still can't bear to bring himself to do it.

A third week goes by, and he heads for the stable. He picks out the "prettiest" camel and .... The same veteran comes by as he's in the middle of it and shouts at him--"Get off that camel, you pervert!" He replies that he was only following the suggestion from a few weeks ago, and doing what the other men do.

"You idiot! What we do is harness up the camel and ride to Madame's Brothel at the oasis five miles south of here."

dobiwon
03-31-2008, 09:17 PM
And a clean one:

A man goes to a shrink and tells him he's afraid to sleep at night because he has this recurring nightmare. "What is it?" the shrink asks him. "I come to this door with a sign on it, but even though I push and push, the door won't open for me".

"Sounds like you are surpressing some deep-seated frustration, maybe with the way your parents treated you, or with your wife, or kids, or something like that. It'll probably take six months of therapy to cure you, at $250 a session."

The man reluctantly agrees, and as he gets ready to leave, the psychiatrist asks "Oh, by the way, what does the sign say?"

"Pull."

Ol' Fashioned Girl
04-01-2008, 02:08 AM
Here's one of the best ones I've heard lately:

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

Ken
04-01-2008, 02:12 AM
I'll make you smile if you hold up your feet for me to tickle :)
exposing your stomach would work too ;)

Kerr
04-01-2008, 04:33 AM
Late in the afternoon on Thursday, Little Johnny's teacher announces, "I will give all of you a question. If anyone in class can answer it, you can all have Friday off. Here's the question; How many grains of sand are in the Sahara Desert?"

The class begins to boo and hiss, and Little Johnny yells out, "No one knows the answer to that."

"Oh well," says the teacher, "See you tomorrow."

The following Thursday the teacher says, "Alright children, it's time for your question again. If anyone can answer, you can all have tomorrow off. How many drops of water are in the Atlantic Ocean?"

The class again begins to boo and hiss, and Little Johnny yells, "No one knows the answer to that!"

"Oh well," says the teacher, "See you tomorrow."

The following Thursday, the teacher claps her hands at the front of the classroom and says, "Alright, children, time for your question."

Little Johnny reaches down and quietly rolls two black marbles down the middle of the isle. They bounce off the teacher's feet. She looks down, sees them and says, "Alright! Who's the comedian with the black balls?"

"Bill Cosby!" says Little Johnny. "See ya Monday!"

CatSlave
04-01-2008, 05:05 AM
A man walks into a crowded bar, pauses at the door, and loudly announces:
All lawyers are assholes.
He then goes to the bar and orders a drink.
Another man walks through the crowd, taps him on the shoulder and says:
I heard what you said, and I found it extremely rude and offensive.
First man: Why? Are you a lawyer?
Second man: No, I'm an asshole.

bluntforcetrauma
04-06-2008, 01:41 AM
Paddy Murphy limps into a Belfast pub looking as if he'd just been run over by a train. His arm in a sling, his nose is broken and his face is cut and bruised.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little swine, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Freelance100
04-06-2008, 02:07 AM
Chuck Norris counted to Infinity....
...


...

...

....

....

....

Twice!

DamaNegra
04-06-2008, 02:13 AM
Chuck Norris counted to Infinity....
...


...

...

....

....

....

Twice!
Chuck Norris is a matematical prodigy. He can also divide by zero.

AND he can also slam a rotating door :)

wrinkles
04-06-2008, 09:28 AM
Why is my hand like a lemon pie?

They've both got meringue on them.

MoonWriter
04-06-2008, 09:37 AM
Why is my hand like a lemon pie?

They've both got meringue on them.

Why don't I get this joke?

a. Because I'm slow.

or

b. Because it's not a joke.

MoonWriter
04-06-2008, 12:25 PM
What's the difference between a stick-up and a hold-up?





Age.

SpookyWriter
04-06-2008, 12:52 PM
What's the difference between a stick-up and a hold-up?





Age.Don't quit your day job. :D

kct webber
04-06-2008, 05:34 PM
Willie the duck sat on his couch somking a joint.

Man, I'm hungry, he thought. I'm so damn hungry. But it was Sunday and nothing in town was open except for the hardware store.

He finished his joint. He couldn't take it. Someone had to have something to eat.

Stumbling to his feet, he grabbed his little red baseball cap and snatched his little skateboard. Out the door he went, and down the street.

The bell jangled as he entered the hardware store. He waddled up to the counter.

"Hey! Got any grapes?"

The clerk looked at him as if her were crazy.

"No, duck. We're a hardware store. We sell hardware, not produce. Get outa here."

Willie the duck frowned.

He spent the next half hour skating around, looking for someone with some grapes. There was no one. None of the stores were open. Except for that damn hardware store. Ya' know, they gotta have something in there. They must have a fridge in the breakroom or something. He skated back to the hardware store.

"Hey! Got any grapes?"

"No, duck! No grapes, god dammit! If you come in here asking again, I'll nail your feet to the floor!"

"Fine, dude. No need to get all hateful about it, man."

A couple hours went by and Willie was sitting on the sidewalk, just around the corner, smoking another one. Damn I'm so damn hungry! He couldn't take it anymore.

The bell jingled as he pushed the door open. The clerk looked down at him with rage on his face. The man opened his mouth, but Willie the duck was faster.

"Hey! Got any nails?"

"Uh... No. We just sold the last box."

"HA! Got any grapes?"

robeiae
04-06-2008, 05:36 PM
What says "oooo"?








A cow with no lips...

wrinkles
04-06-2008, 07:56 PM
Why don't I get this joke?

a. Because I'm slow.

or

b. Because it's not a joke.

Try reading it out loud.

DWSTXS
04-06-2008, 09:04 PM
A woman goes to her doctor, she is frantic about her health

"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asks her

"Every time I pee, quarters come out of my coochie!"

"Hmmmmm" the doctor says as he thinks about it, "Look, I don't think it's any big deal, but you go home, check back with me if it happens again."

A week later, the woman is back in his office.

"Is it still happening? Quarters coming out when you pee?" the doctor asks

"No, doc, now it's dimes and nickels!" she says, scared out of her wits with worry

"Okay, go on home, and come back if it happens again!" the Doctor tells her

A week later, she's back in his office

"Still having dimes and nickels coming out when you pee?" the Doctor asks

"No! Now it's just pennies! Doctor, I can't take this anymore. Don't you tell me to go home and come back if it happens again, I want to know what's going on with me!"

The doctor smiles, pats her on her shoulder, "Not to worry, my dear, it's really no big deal. You're just going through your change..."

MoonWriter
04-06-2008, 09:21 PM
Thanks Wrinkles - I got it. Obviously, the answer to my question is "a."

Spooky - telling jokes is my day job. Could I bum 5 bucks for something to eat?

czjaba
04-06-2008, 09:36 PM
Okay, this isn't a joke, but an example of silly stuff my kids do.

My 6-year-old was crawling around the floor saying, "Look, my butox."
My 3-year-old understood that she said, "Look, my butt talks." My 3-year-old put her ear to my 6-year-old's butt and said, "What did you say?"

James81
07-18-2008, 06:56 PM
I actually laughed out loud at this one:


A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

:roll:

Now post a funny one of yours.

James81
07-18-2008, 06:57 PM
Damn it! I thought I was in Office Party.

If a mod would kindly oblige...:tongue

Tink
07-18-2008, 07:32 PM
On a cold-cold night two bulls are standing out in a field.

One says "It's mighty cold out here tonight!"

The other says, "Yeah, I think I might slip into a nice jersy!"

Kitrianna
07-18-2008, 08:41 PM
There's a river running through the woods and above it is a fly. Down below, a fish looks up and says "If that fly drops 4 inches, I can leap up and have him for lunch."
On the bank, there is a bear watching and he says "If that fly drops 4 inches, the fish will leap for the fly and I can catch the fish and have him for my lunch."
Back in the woods a ways, there is a hunter and he says "If that fly drops 4 inches, the fish will get the fly; the bear will get the fish and I will have a clear shot and I can have the bear for my lunch."
A few feet back from the hunter sits a mouse and he says "If that fly drop 4 inches, the fish will get the fly; the bear will get the fish; the hunter will shoot the bear and I can have the hunter's other lunch for my lunch."
Up in a tree is a cat and he says "If that fly drops 4 inches, the fish will catch the fly; the bear will get the fish; the hunter will shoot the bear; the mouse will go for the hunter's other lunch and I can catch the mouse and have him for my lunch."
Well what do you know? The fly drops 4 inches, the fish eats the fly. The bear catches the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse gets the hunter's other lunch and the cat takes a flying leap and lands kersplach in the middle of the river.
What's the moral of the story?

Anytime a fly drops 4 inches, somewhere there's a pussy getting wet.

(much easier to say than to type :tongue)

Tink
07-18-2008, 08:45 PM
Roflamao...LOL!!! :D Good one Kit...Bravo!!!

Kitrianna
07-18-2008, 08:47 PM
*bows* thank ya very much.

Tink
07-18-2008, 08:49 PM
"Encore, Encore...." *applauses*

Kitrianna
07-18-2008, 08:51 PM
*thinks* give me a minute :D

Tink
07-18-2008, 08:56 PM
heres one I posted somewhere else yesterday-

Q. Why doesn't a rooster wear pants?

A. Because his pecker is on his head.

Little Red Barn
07-18-2008, 08:57 PM
*thinks* give me a minute :D
Lol! Ok... I'm in.

It IS Friday!!!

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here
is one.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither
a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Tink
07-18-2008, 08:59 PM
:Clap: LOL!!!! Kimmi- you made me laugh out loud so hard...Great one! :D

jennifer75
07-18-2008, 09:01 PM
I've got a great gay joke - that is not offensive at all, not demeaning at all, its just good old humor.....but I wont post .... anybody interested PM me. Really, it's not bad, but that stuff doesn't fly well on the boards.

I've even told it to 2 gay coworkers, and they loved it.

Kitrianna
07-18-2008, 09:04 PM
That's a groaner Tink :D.

Ok one more...

A guy is walking along the beach, kicking up sand because he's just had a fight with his wife and he's really pissed off. A little way down the beach, he stubs his toe on something, so he bends down to see what it was and he picks up a bottle with a message in it.
He opens the bottle to get the note and a genie comes out.

"I will grant you three wishes for freeing me, but since you're fighting with your wife,whatever you get, she shall have double!"

The man thinks about it for a moment. "Ok, I can live with that."

"So what is your first wish?"

"I want to be the richest man in the world." he tells the genie.

"So it shall be, but since your wife gets double, she will be the richest person in the world."

The man thinks about it and shrugs. "Yeah, ok."

A few minutes later the genie asks, "What is your second wish?"

"I want a huge mansion halfway up the tallest mountain, so I can see for miles and miles."

"So it shall be, but your wife will have a house that is twice as big ALL the way up the mountain."

The man thinks about it again and says, "I can live with that."

A few more minutes pass when the genie asks, "What is your third wish?"

The man thinks for a minute and asks, "Can you beat me half to death?"