Reject the person below you...

Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a copy of my recent screenplay, Glitter 2, and several candid photos of myself in the lead role, as a teenager sold into the adult film industry by my master, er, mentor.

I hope you find it HARD to put down. I expect it to BLOW you away. I am QUIVERING at the thought of your eyes wandering across the page, and my body, my breasts, my thighs, everything. I look forward to meeting you and discussing this COME FROM BEHIND story that has a definite HAPPY ENDING.

XXX OOO
Lolita Jones


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Dear poster 3,

We do not accept unsolicited manuscripts from you. Please do not solicit us. Please remove us from your mailing list.

Best regards,

Agent


( my apologies, maestro... did not read the instructions)

Dear Mr. Ermas,

Enclosed please find a synopsis for my new book, "I Believe I Can Fly". It is a fictitious story about a famous singer who meets a very lovely young girl and falls in love. However, soon after, he discovers the girl is only thirteen years old. He desperately tries to end the relationship, but she is obsessed with him. Finally, he resorts to a friend who is in the business of selling young American women to Middle Eastern sheiks for their harems. The girl ends up in the harem of a Bahrain prince. There, she meets an American expatriate singer and his three children. Although he favors young boys, he befriends her and tries to convince the prince to allow her to father his fourth child using a turkey baster. Meanwhile, back in America, the famous singer gets caught in a motel room with 2 twelve year old girls. He is arrested, his wife divorces him and takes all his money, and he becomes a one hit wonder.

I think you'll enjoy the book. It's gritty and very contemporary. Just remember, it's strictly fiction. Any similarities between any real people and the characters is strictly coincidental.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Ann Rice (the one with no E) - writing under the pen name Angelica Lolita

Fixed

I added one too... I think the rejection kind of covers both LOL ...

Dear Mr. Clary,

My name is John Kerr, and I am seeking a publisher for my new book called, True Lies. It begins in Thailand and ends with me in Boulder Colorado confessing to a murder I did not commit. However, in it, I will reveal some things I did do. Things I didnt tell the cops about. Sign me quick. I'm front page news.

Breathlessly waiting for your reply...

John Karr.

Oh my. We've gotten out of order here. I'll start us off again. Someone write the query for this rejection and THEN WRITE A REJECTION FOR THE NEXT POSTER (sorry to shout ):

Dear wishful thinker,

Thank you so much for think of BIG NAME AGENCY. Unfortunately, we do not publish fan fiction. Understand that another agency may be interested in you 700k manuscript, but we feel it is not right for our list.

Best Wishes,

The Agent of Your Dreams

Dear sir/maddam

I am writting to you'se all to tell you bout my book. Do you want to red it?

Please phone me on the number below if you are innterestted.

Love from

Adam (but my friends call me Blu, and you better call me Blu when you ring, cos I don't talk to anyone who calls me Adam);

Too confusing, Ray. Maybe if you smack some people around they'll get it!

Rejected on a rejected thread. Sob.

Dear Agent of my Dreams,

I've just completed a 700,000 word novel - well it's the first in a quadrilogy, based on my favorite TV show of all time: Knight Rider. I'm sure you'll love it, so it's already on its way, postage due.

Sincerely,
Wishful Thinker.
*************

Dear Dolt

I'm so sorry, but Agency BIGGER Than The Rest just doesn't have a spot for your 12k novella on How To Dye Your Poodle. I'm sure it's quite well done, however, and you should have no trouble finding a market for it.

Try getting a life,
Thank you.

My dearest darling agent, I have written simply the most charming novella which I have illustrated myself. How to Dye Your Poodle is just the cutest, sweetest little 12K you have ever had the pleasure of reading. All the adorable drawings resemble my very own poodle, Schmoopie.

Hugs and Kisses,
Mrs. Dolt

#############################

Dear Cretin,

Thank you so much for thinking of Famous Agency. Unfortunately, we only consider human erotica. I'm afraid Mr. Lucky Gets Lucky is simply not right for our lists. I doubt another agent will feel differently. Put some pants on that cat!

Yours Insincerely,

Dear M. Dolt,

Thank you for contacting Cider Publishing with your qury on dying your poodle. we strongly suggest you pick up a copy of Writer's Market or at the very least, take a look at our writer's guidelines. If you'd done that, you'd know that we only specialize in baby products and baby catalogues. If you'd like to write item descriptions for said catalogues, please send at least 20 clips and a SASE.

Dear Agent Seven, W.O.

I hope you'll request this manuscript the instant you examine these photos for authenticity. I've written a How-To book entitled: Agents, How To Stalk, Bag, and Keep Your Own. I'm sure you'll love this book, it's a modest 110k and I've got room in my basement if you'd like to sit down and have a looksee.

I'll be right over, my cadillac has a nice big trunk.

Sincerely, Ms Fluffybunny

*************

Dear Miss/Ms/Mrs./Mr Insert Name Here;

Your query stank up the room. Thanks for thinking of us, and please enjoy the enclosed coupon for .10cents off our next best seller, in bookstores everywhere August 31s, $24.99 hardcover.

Yours,
Un Innerested.

Dear Ms. Fluffybunny,

I hate the word 'Sincerely'. I now despise you.


Dear Mr. lookatme

I would like to send you a copy of my book 'Michelangelos secret'. It is about the descendants of Jesus, and Michelangelo left clues as to who it is in his paintings. I'll need you to agree to pay for legal proceedings also.

Dear Mr. Godfather, Your name indicates that you might just have inside information regarding the descendants of Jesus. However, as tempting as it sounds, I am afraid I have to pass on this one. It isnt the book that scares me, it's that legal proceedings part. I despise lawyers.

Sincerely,

Rockway Press

________________________

Dear Agent,

I'm writing to you with the first shot at my new book, Fancy Drew. It's about this nosy little pre-pubescent girl who goes around solving mysteries. I think I can write a lot of books using the same character. There are a lot of mysteries to solve. The first one is about the disappearance of Judge Crater. Next, I think I'll do Jimmy Hoffa. After that, who knows?

Sincerely yours,

Art Thur

Dear Mr. Agent Man, Secret:

Enclosed find clandestine (and possibly illegal) photos taken of me before I escaped the clutches of one Ms. Fluffybunny (but not before she stole my innocence... and oh, yeah-- she dyed me purple!!!). I'm mailing this from my safe place, using a secret mail drop. As God is my witness, she'll not treat me like a K-9 Easter egg ever again! I'm 52,000 words into my tell-all manuscript, which I feel will blow the $@!#@ing roof off the sordid Poodle-Dyeing practices of Ms. F. Bunny (plus, I'm in talks with my therapist as we speak). As far as demographics: This book should perform well with cross-dressing Dobermans and all cats with sadistic tendencies.

Yours in Purple-Fluff Love,
Big Boy the Toy-Poodle

***
Dear Mr. Big Boy,

How much are we talkin' for a redye-job? I'm thinking something in a plaid?

Regards,
Mr. S. A. Man

Dear Ms. Love,

Enclosed is my MS entitled "Nuts over Squirrels". The strory is about my love of them, as often as I can catch them. There are many pictures included that I hope you will enjoy. Some squirrels were harmed during my research, but only the ones shown wearing leather.

Regards,
Bruce HamsterHocks

Dear <next person down>,

Your MS was quite enjoyed by my cats, who found it delightful to use instead of their litterbox. I have included their comments (careful, the lumps in the envelope may not be comletely dry) for your review.

I have also issued a restraining order against your mailing me ever again.

Regards,
Mr. Meanybeans

Dear Cheryl,
attached is my submision for your prorno magazine, Nature Digest:
As a natural submissive I think this is just right for you to spank me. You're consideration is appretiated as an obvious fan of hot squirl lovin,
Thanks,
Jon


Dear (next post),
Though there is no official blacklist for writers, we have started one just for you. I used your story to wipe my a$$ with before I burned it. Thanks, and please submit again!

ETAops-someone beat me to it.

Dear Bigname Agent,

May I submit my 900k short story collection "10,000 Things to Do With an Apple." You'll find them very instructive. May I visit you and demonstrate number 485?

Thanks, Dora Dominatrix

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Dear (next person)

No you may not send me your full manuscript until it is winter and I need something to burn. In fact, burning is too good for that pile of worthless scrap you called a partial. I'm not returning it. I would l run it through the shredder, but I don't want your ink to taint my blades. I'm having it buried in a toxic dump site. Don't every query me again.

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