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Soccer Mom
08-17-2006, 04:49 AM
I'm sick of obsessing over writing the perfect query, so I decided to write a really, really awful one.

It's fun and you should try it. Here's my howler. Post yours and rep points shall follow (assuming it is dreadful enough).



Dear man or woman whose name I canít be bothered to learn

I donít need an agent, cause yíall donít do nothing but suck 20% off the top of my earnings, but Iíve decided Iím too important to handle the meaningless details, so Iím going to offer you the chance of a lifetime.

If you answer fast enough, Iíll allow you to represent me. Iím not going to give you a synopsis for my Great American Novel because itís literary fiction and probably way over your head.

GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL is 350,000 words of deathless prose comparable to Herman Melville and Janet Evanovich. Do you want my full manuscript by email or will you be picking it up in person?

If you donít respond to this query in two days and forward it to at least seven other agents, bad luck will follow. Donít let me get away. Iím the catch of a lifetime.

Checking my watch and awaiting your reply,

Great Writer

Provrb1810meggy
08-17-2006, 05:02 AM
Attn Mr. Obvious Woman's Name -----------------------

My amazing novel is the next Harry Potter. It's about this dude and he likes this gurly, hot chickadee, you know what I'm saying? But the girl isn't digging him, like he's digging her, you know? So he kills her. The end.

Yeah, I'm teh best author in the whole universe. You better represent, cuz I've got the goods, the game, everything.

I want an agent cuz I need to get a million dollar dealio. I'm looking for the dough, fo sho.

You better reply ASAP, cuz tons of agents are gonna be knocking at my door, offering to give me money upfront and to wash my lucky drawers. You know what I'm saying?

Sincerely,
Mr. BadWriter FoSho

P.S Didn't enclose no stinking SASE. Spend your own money on a crappy envelope, you freakin' cheapskate.

persiphone_hellecat
08-17-2006, 06:20 AM
Dear Sir or Madam, won't u read my book? It took me years to write won't u take a look?

Got ur attention, right? Ha ha - pretty funny huh? Anyway - remember me? I'm the one whose left u like 25 messages on ur answering machine. I guess u dont return calls - so i decided to write to u.

So like I said in my messages, I wrote this book. It's pretty cool if I do say so myself. And I just did. Ha ha. My book is kind of like that guy James Paterson or whatever only its like fan fiction.

Here's my story... Sailor Moon and Pokemon end up in this time warp and they join forces with The Highlander and Xena Warrior Princess to fight against Darth Vader, Lex Luthor and Conan. The Barbarian - not the talk show host. Ha ha.

So anyway - how much advance do u think I can get? Hopefully its enuf to buy a computer. BTW - sorry about the bad handwriting. The book is in three of those black and white notebooks, but don't worry 'cos I numbered them for u.

I'm gonna be in the city next week to see my probation officer so I can drop them off to u. OK? Maybe we can sit and talk about it for a while. Oh yea, and I dont want it to be one of those cheap paperback books - Im thinking one of those real nice hardcovers with those paper jackets on it. Something classy, u know?

Anyway I gotta go now. Take it easy and dont work to hard LOL. See u soon.

Hugs,

Ann Rice (the other one - with no E)

PS Do u think I'm gonna have to change my name? Ur the agent LOL.

Soccer Mom
08-17-2006, 10:38 PM
I love 'em. Here's another

Dear angent,

I lik to writ and mi famly sez Im reel gud. I gotz a tin thousnad wrd buk fer yew to cel. Itz all bout mi luv fer Irma JeaN. sHEEz reel purty. Me n Irma hav lotz advneturez tagethre. Sheez a muhl.

thanx, yer freind

Opie

persiphone_hellecat
08-17-2006, 11:34 PM
((Follow up letter two weeks later. After no reply--duh!))

Yo, Secret Agent Man,

I wrote u like ten letters so far. U getting them? I guess ur busy, but to busy to write back about the best book since Gone With the Wind? I dont think so! I just dont get it. I tried to drop off the three notebooks when I was in the city, but ur secretary said u werent there. BTW - ur secretary is very friendly with the mailroom guy. He was in there talking to her when I got there. I herd some of their conversation and I think their doing it. Ha ha.

So like when do I get my contract? I was talking to my Probation Officer about the book deal and she said that was a really good idea because its hard for convicted felons to get decent jobs. Like what are they gonna do, let a drug dealer work at Walgreens Pharmacy or something? BTW - u need any weed? I can get u a really good deal - Just kidding Ha ha.

So like I was thinking about the movie rights for my book. I got some ideas about that, too. I was thinking about Britney for Sailor Moon but she's preggo again so maybe like Jessica Simpson. For The Highlander, maybe Mel Gibson will be out of rehab by then. Then for Xena I was thinking Lindsay Lohan because Lucy Lawless is too old now to be Xena. Then for the bad guys - Kevin Spacey was really good as Lex Luthor in that new Superman movie so let's just get him. For Conan, I think Arnold is too old, but maybe that would be good because there's this cool scene when Sailor Moon kicks the hell out of Conan. It doesnt matter who plays Darth 'cos you don't see him anyway. Oh yea, and for Pokeman, Danny De Vito. Can we get Tim Burton to direct? Or maybe Quentin Tarentino. Whichever one is free, but just not that dorky guy from the Andy Griffith Show. He sucks. After the movie, maybe it can be a tv show like Buffy, you know? I think I can come up with more stories for the show good as the first one.

So anyway Im enclosing a form from my Probation Officer for u to sign to prove Im actually looking for work. She gave me an envelope for you to, with a stamp on it and everything. She says if I dont look for work, its a violation of my parole. So like just sign it, or get ur secretary to say I was there looking for u. Tell her Im the one who was there when she and the mailboy were talking about playing horizontal hockey at lunchtime. Ha ha.

So like anyway, while ur secretary was flirting with the mail boy, I got the direct phone number to ur office off her phone. So if I dont hear from u in a day or 2 I'll just call u direct, ok? Then maybe we can meet for one of those power lunches. Ha ha. Do they have power lunches at Mickey D's? Cos thats all I can afford until I get my advance.

Talk to u soon. Oh yea, I forgot to tell u I decided on a title. I was thinking about " The Clash of the Titans" - I know somebody already used that, but I looked it up and u can use titles again. Mine's prolly better anyway.

Hugs. Ur newest author,


Ann Rice (the one without the E)

PattiTheWicked
08-18-2006, 12:54 AM
Dear Mrs. Agnet,

If you don't buy this novel I'll kill myself.

And I know where you live, too.

love
your next big author

Provrb1810meggy
08-18-2006, 01:15 AM
Dear Mr. Agent,

I've completed a picture book, BOYS ARE CUTE, at 5,000 words. I've thoroughly researched children's publishing. It's rhyming and I've enclosed really cute illustrations that my darling five year old son drew. He'd love to be a published illustrator. The blue scribbles are boys, by the way.

BOYS ARE CUTE is highly acclaimed. My daughters, all five of them, just adored it. They used to think boys were icky, but now they think boys are cute, so my writing is highly persuasive. I read it to my daughter's kindergarten class and it got rave reviews. They just adored it. In addition, the school librarian and teacher just ate it up.

BOYS ARE CUTE has also been highly praised by every member of my family. My cousin says, "This is the next Goodbye Sun. That's the name of that famous kid's book, right?" My grandma says, "This girl is the most talented writer ever. J.K Rowling and Steven King step aside. Bow down to the superior writing talents!" My mother-in-law thinks this would be a great TV show for the younger set, so this has great potential. My husband also thinks I should pursue writing as a full time career.

As you can tell, so many people love my book, so obviously you will, readers will, and eventually, the reading public will.

Sincerely,
Highly Esteemed Writer

persiphone_hellecat
08-19-2006, 11:01 AM
((Two more weeks later - third query))

hEY aGENT sMITH,

Agent Smith - like in the Matrix, get it? Those movies were soooooooo cool. I mean - woah.

So what's with u guys over there at the William Morris Agency? I thought u guys were the best. I tried calling u and they said the number was changed to an unlisted number. When are u giving the new number to us clients?

And another thing. My Probation Officer didnt get that form. U trying to get me in trouble or something? When I went in last week for random drug testing, she said she never got it. Wassup with dat?

So anyway, I showed the book to my friend Ray and he was saying it was real good and all but he did say one thing that got me thinking. Like it's Sailor Moon, Pokiemon, Xena and The Highlander against Lex Luthor, Conan and Darth V, right? Well Ray was saying that's 4 against 3. So like he was thinking we should add another bad guy so when Sailor Moon is whipping Conan's butt, Pokie isnt just standing there with his hands in his pockets if you know what I mean. So I got to thinking and I couldnt really come up with another really good bad guy - so I picked SATAN. Is that cool or what? Can't u just see Poke kicking Satan's a$$? Or maybe it should be Xena against Satan. I didnt figure that out yet.

So like now I'm gonna add some pages to the notebooks. Instead of writing it all over, I'll just tape the Satan parts in. Satan movies are real big now, right? Dont u think Tom Cruise would make a kick-a$$ Satan?

Well I gotta go now. It's almost time for The Dog Whisperer to come on. I'm studying that show 'cos I have this idea for another book where some guy wanders into The Dog Whisperer's pack and gets torn apart by the pittbulls. Cool, right? Only in my story The Dog Whisperer isnt Mexican 'cos I think he should be played by Kenau Reeves 'cos he is sooooooooooooo hot.

So tell ur secretary to fill out that form and send it out. OK? And call me with ur new number. Tell the mail guy I said hi. Are he and ur secretary still getting it on?

Ur favorite author,

Ann Rice (the one without the E)

moth
08-19-2006, 05:35 PM
Dear litter agent,

This is the opportunity you have been waiting for, little missy! My amazing book, MUSTANG SALLY TURNS CADILLAC PINK, is the deal of a lifetime. It's a 400,000 word fiction novel, and it gets better -- this is the first of a six-part series!

Enticed yet? Want to know more? Well lucky for you there is, honey! After the seven-figure advance you'll score for me, you'll also sell movie rights, licensing stuff (they can put my cool characters on rearview mirror hangy-things and such), movie rights and -- are you ready? are you really ready to hear this? -- movie rights! This sucker'll be the biggest blockbuster in history, and I know you know I'm not jerkin you around. Just giving you the straight dope.

And don't you feel lucky, doll, that I'm giving this incredible deal to you. Now go on and pop a champagne cork or two before you send me the contract -- but please take all those 15% things out, honey, come on. You can do better than that, and with all the money you'll make off my amazing book you really don't need 15% of my profits anyway. I know you're willing to do whatever it takes to get this deal with me, so I'm willing to wait a day or so for you to respond.

See, I'm a dream client. Big bucks and easy to work with.

Anyway, I can't wait to see your signature on those papers in a day or so. You're gonna be real happy with this, babe, I promise you.

Signed
Sal Esman
------------------
Thanks Soccer Mom, this was fun! :D

aruna
08-19-2006, 06:19 PM
Dear Miss Agent,
Please present the enclosed manuscript to publishers. I am looking for a major publisher such as Tandem House. My book has 30000 words and it is an supernatural erotic thriller set in outerspace containing a conspiracy secret so great that will destroy the very basis of Western Civilisation, but highly literary in style, something like Ulysses meets Star Wars meets the Da Vinci Code.

The Vampire Princess Hoh-inarrah's whole world spirals out of control when she meets Pierre Beaulieu de Richelieu, a French Barron desceded from Louis XIV, whose inner demons have revealed to him the Secret of the Fourth Reich, by which the tiny city-state of Appenzell-von-Kleinmuendingen has catapulted Hitler's Third Molar in a golden casket, into space. The secret of this Casket can only be revealed, by desciphering a Code which can only be found by placing the King James Bible in an online translation service by which every fifth letter is elimenated and words are formed by placing the remaining letters in the cage of a Gorilla captured in the dungeons of Furzwangen-von-Zappelweiler. Through telepathy, Hitler's ghost then reveals the secret formula what will lead to the Molar and drag it down from the capsule that is circling in space. But first, Nasa headquarters must be overthrown and in a breakneck car-chase through the streets of pre-war war-devastated Warsaw, the President of the United States is assasinated by a villain worse, than your worst nightmare. As I mentioned above the style is highly literary. I have decided to write this book without the letter I, so as make it an enticing read for aficionados of literary puzzles.

As this book wil be in higfh demand from publishers and Movie studios I would prefer you to proceed with secret negotiations immediately, through a Literary Auction. I have chosen you because I see you represent Authors such as Phillip Roth and Ernest Hemingway.

My pen name is Princess Doctor Claudia Von Pieksieben-Hotzenpotz, my legal name is Mabel Dong. Checks should be made out to the latter.

Please only call me during regular office hours.

Mabel Dong

aruna
08-19-2006, 07:31 PM
Dear Agent,
A day has passed and I have not heard from you.
Please know that I will not allow any kind of slacking off when I hire you. I hereby give you 24 HOURS NOTICE to send me the cotract or else I shall hire Stephen King's agent.

However, I forgot to name the title of my fiction novel yesterday. It is entitled "THE VON WAGNER CODE" because, the operas of Wagner plays an important role in the unravelling of the Mystery, which I forgot to mention yesterday (the Code is embedded in the Soprano Solo in Act III). Also, the Vampire Princess Doh'Inarrah, is an opera singer and the first Erotic love Scene takes place backstage at the Vienna State Opera, only it turns out it was really onstage, and they didn't realise till too late!!!

Right, now the clock starts clicking. 24HOURS, Starting from NOW. I am sending this per email even though you said you dont accept email, because of the UREGENCY of the matter.

Princess Doctor Claudia

moth
08-19-2006, 08:00 PM
To whom it may concern,

I know you are the perfect agent for me based on my exhaustive research on you. So here's my short story for you to present to magazines. It's a childrens horror story.

I'll take payment of a dollar a word, since I know that's the going rate for beginners for fiction, but I'd like more than that if you can swing it.

I'm working on a novel too, which is what I really want you to sell for me. That's why I sent you this short story first, so we could both get a warm-up type of thing.

Thank you,
Y. Ikes

DeborahM
08-19-2006, 08:31 PM
Hi Ya!

Do you remember me? We met at that party where I spilled my drink on you twice. I did that to get your attention so when I decided to query you, you'd remember me.

I have finished my romance story and even though you specialize in non-fiction, I knew you'd want to represent me.

Romance In Your Oven is not about receipes. It is about hot love made while my MC is trying to cook dinner and her lover enters the kitchen when she's bent over. Unfortunately, this is a true story and my insurance company can provide a copy of my claim as proof to my having to go to the hospital with third degree burns on my throbbing member, from the au jus from the roast she was cooking.

Looking forward to seeing you at the next party!

Yours truely,

Burney Hodcloffer

aruna
08-19-2006, 09:15 PM
Dear Agent,
You agents are nothing but bloodsuckers. You wouldn;t recognise talent it was hanging from your nose. I;ve had enough. I;ve been querying you mother***er agents for a WHOLE MONTH and you are such a stuck up elitist bunch NOT ONE Of you has replied. Not only have you no manners you are timewasters and downright EVIL.
I wouldn;t even bother to write you but I just wanted you to know that I have FOUND A PUBLISHER on my OWN, Thank YOU! What do yuo say to THAT!

My publisher is called PUBLISHAMERICA and it has seen my wonderful talent and will bring me into bookstores from sea to shining SEA! When you see my fiction novel VON WAGNER CODE in all the booksrores staring back at you and it is a blockbuster Movie starring Tom Cruise and Oprah you WILL REGRET how you have treted ME!!!!!!!!

So THERE!


PRINCESS DR CLAUDIA

dclary
08-19-2006, 10:14 PM
Dear Cur,

Please find attached a perfect-bound copy of all three 2,900 page books of my trilogy "Huey Lewis and the News Fight The Orcs."

Please advise as to whether or not you will be sending my advance via check or paypal.

Thanks

Dave

moth
08-19-2006, 10:33 PM
Dear Ms. Agent,

I am a multi-published author. My multi-published works have come out from multiple online publishers, and I'm sure many multiple readers have read and liked them. At least, I haven't gotten any e-mail or anything from readers, and no news is good news, right?

With this huge platform I've established for myself, marketing me and my work should be easy. My novel Babes in Troyland is an alternate history, complete at 100,000 words, but that can easily go up or down as the market dictates. I've enclosed the full manuscript for your review.

I hope to hear from you soon. But if I don't, I'll know that you've decided to take me on and submit my book to publishers, since no news is good news.

Sincerely,
Dimm Bulb
------------
Okay I've got to stop. This is getting addicting.

Soccer Mom
08-19-2006, 10:49 PM
weeee! These are fun. Babes in Troyland wins the award for best title to date (with honorable mention for Romancing the Oven). Alternate historical erotica, right?

Soccer Mom
08-19-2006, 10:53 PM
deer angent,

Im still wateng to heer frum yew bout me n IRmaz buk. I got mor 2 sned 2 U. Opie n Irma goze 2 the serkus in my knew for thuosnad wurd maztrpeez.

pleez writ uz sun. Irma is geting wuried.

moth
08-19-2006, 11:16 PM
weeee! These are fun. Babes in Troyland wins the award for best title to date (with honorable mention for Romancing the Oven). Alternate historical erotica, right?
;) ;)

irishidid
08-19-2006, 11:43 PM
Dear Agent,

I am certain that you will want to represent me because I have written the greatest and most appropriate book for the diaper crowd ever. "1000 Ways To Artfully Express Yourself With Poop", will forever end the toddler's question of "Now that I got it out of my diaper, what do I do with it?"
Instead of smearing in his/her hair the toddler will learn how to fingerpaint a masterpiece that mom can show off with pride.
Comes with a vacuum sealed starter kit.

You want to represent this great book!

Yours,

A. MOM

persiphone_hellecat
08-19-2006, 11:43 PM
((Three days later - fourth query))

Look bud, this is getting serious now. I picked u because u are the head of that William Morris place and because it says on ur site u represent several NY Times Bestselling authors. Well duh -- dont u know a NY Times bestseller when one hits you in the a$$? Who reads that dumb list anyway? That paper costs 4 bucks on Sunday and the president says its full of left wing lies and cr@p anyway.

Do ur homework, man. Like there are millions of Sailor Moon fans out there. Same goes for Pokemon and Xena and The Highlander arent on TV anymore but they still got tons of fans and tons of fan sites going. And NOBODY is writing any books about them. I mean I was in Barnes and Noble and I couldnt find ONE. Everything in the fantasy section is that dragon stuff and books by that guy Piers Anthony. Is he gay or something? He writes an awful lot about little elves and fairies. And then there's that Lord of the Rings stuff. The movies are all out - they are on DVD already. Lord of the Rings is like soooooooooooo over. And now that Satan is on the side of the evil guys, think of all the Satan worshippers who will buy it just to see if he wins. Of course he won't win, but he will escape with the others so there can be a sequel, right? Isnt that the way you guys do it over there at William Morris?

So like I've been talking to some of my friends over at the Absolute Write Water Cooler boards and it looks like u are ignoring a lot of us really good authors. U better watch out because that PublishAmerica place is creeping up on u. One of these days, they are gonna be numero uno and u guys are gonna be looking for jobs.

So look, dude, get that slutty secretary of urs to type up that contract and send it out to me pronto. Try and do it before my Probation Officer revokes my probation and I end up back in jail, ok? I got a lot of friends and if that happens, my boyfriend Guido will meet u outside ur office at 1325 Avenue of the Americas and kick ur a$$ one night. Got that?

And because ur taking so long, tell ur secretary to reduce ur commission to 10%. You know what they say, right? U snooze u lose.

I dont wanna get nasty here, but u arent treating ur clients right. So I'm thinking about going to that Preditors and Editors guy Dave and complaining about u. My book is better than any of that cr@p on the bestseller list now and we both know it. So why dont u get off that butt of urs before us guys at AW decide to form our own agency and put u clowns out of business? We got the goods, baby, and I'm beginning to think u wouldnt know a bestseller if one crawled up ur butt and died.

I'll be in the city on Friday. I gotta drug test AGAIN. So I'll drop by and see what's shaking with u, OK? Hey, sorry about all the nasty words, but damn its frustrating to wait a whole month for ur agent to return ur calls and letters. Do u do that to Dan Brown? I bet he has ur number. Just think of me as the next Dan Brown and start playing nice with me ok? Oh yea, and Guido says he knows where u live, too.

Later dude.
Ur disgruntled client (I looked that up in thesaurus.com on my friend's computer. It means p!ssed. Remember I have no computer till u come up with a CHECK?)

Ann Rice (still no E)

Tre
08-20-2006, 01:14 AM
Ann's query letter to Les Editions Denöel

Look at the bud, this obtains serious now. I selected U because U are the head of this place of William Morris Franco and because it indicates on the site U of ur represents several authors of Bestselling of time of NY. Good Duh -- U know don't a best-seller of time of NY when one strikes you in the a$$? Who reads this deaf-mute list in any event? That paper costs 4 males Sunday and the president indicates its full with the lies and the cr@p left of wing in any event. Make the work of ur, man. Like has million moon ventilators there to him of sailor outside there. Even goes from now on for Pokemon and Xena and the mountain dweller arent on the TV but they always obtained tons of ventilators and tons of going from sites of ventilator. And NOBODY writes any book concerning them. I want to say that I was the lucky find ONE in Barnes and of noble and of I couldnt. All in the section of imagination is this substance and books of dragon by Anthony pillars of this type. Is it gay or something? It writes a terrible fate about small elves and fairies. And then there is this lord of the substance of rings. All the films are outside - they are on DVD already. The lord of the rings like the soooooooooooo more. And now that Satan is side of the bad types, think of all the admirers of Satan who will buy it just to see whether it gains. Naturally it will not gain, but it it with the others will escape so much there can be a continuation, right-hand side? Do Isnt what the manner you of the types do it over there in William Morris? Thus as I had spoken with some about my friends more to the absolute write panels of cooler of water and to resemble them to him U are unaware of many us the really good authors. A better watch of U outside because this place of PublishAmerica crawls upwards on U. One of nowadays, they will be uno of number and the types of U will seek work. Thus the glance, type, oblige this secretary slutty urs to type to the top of this contract and to send me outside to him to it pronto. Test-and make-the before my officer of test withdraws my test and I finish to the top behind in prison, ok? I obtained many friends and if that occurs, my boy friend Guido will meet U apart from office of ur to avenue 1325 of Americas and will give a kick the ur a$$ during one night. Obtained that? And because the ur taking so much a long time, indicate the secretary ur to bring back the commission of ur to 10%. You know what they say, right? The snooze U of U lose. I do not want to become malicious here, but the customers of treatment arent of ur of U well. Thus I think of going to this type Dave de Preditors and writers and to complain about U My book is better than an unspecified part of this cr@p on the list of best-seller now and us both let us know it. Thus why U don't they obtain in addition to this end of the urs before us of the types to the aw decide to form our own agency and to put clowns of U out of the businesses? We obtained the goods, baby, and I start to think that wouldnt of U knows a best-seller if one crawled to the top of the end of ur and died. I will be in the Friday city. I obtained with the test of drug STILL. Thus I will drop myself near and will see what shakes with U, OK? Hé, sorry about all the malicious words, but rotten its frustration to await a whole month the agent of ur to return calls and letters of ur. do U do that with brown daN? I bet that it has the number of ur. Just think of me like next brown of daN and begin the nice play with me well? The yea of Oh, and Guido indicates that it knows where U of phase, too. A late type. Opposed customer of Ur (I looked at that upwards in thesaurus.com on the computer of my friend. He means p!ssed. Do you recall that I do not have any computer until U to provide a CONTROL?)

Rice of Ann (always no E)

DeborahM
08-20-2006, 01:42 AM
Hey, it's me again!

Sorry I missed you at the last party and hit the lady behind you with my drink. I was hoping to refresh your memory.

I haven't heard from you, but that's okay cuz I figure your busy enjoying Romance In the Oven and finding a publishe for mer.

In the meantime, I've come up with Well Butter My Bisquits which shows how easy it is for the MC when entertaining her lover can be caught up with buttering bisquits and end up putting a couple of slabs between my nads.

I've had great reviews, especially from the hospital staff, which I found laughing when I woke up after hitting my head on the stove when I slipped on a slice of butter that apparently had slipped out.

I hope you're able to sell my two books because I need the money for the hospital bills and frankly, I'm not sure writing is healthy for me. Do you think I should become a sports writer instead?

Maybe we could meet for a drink sometime? If not, I'm sure I'll see you at another party and hope not to miss you. I just wanted to explain that my cousin's boyfriend's mother's future husband recommended you.

Still yours,

Burney Hodcloffer

DeborahM
08-20-2006, 02:02 AM
weeee! These are fun. Babes in Troyland wins the award for best title to date (with honorable mention for Romancing the Oven). Alternate historical erotica, right?

Thanks, Soccer Mom! Love this thread! I've laughed so hard, I'm crying!

Hey guys, remember to vote for this thread, this one could be a classic!

Provrb1810meggy
08-20-2006, 06:17 PM
To Whose It Can Concerned:

I am writed to you, cuz I want you to published my novel, OBOE GIRL. It's about a girl that played da oboe. She's really good too, a pro dudes. Yessir, it's one delighted novel, intended for senior citz. It's 708 words.

You need to make a magazine and put it in there, K? That's what agents do, righto?! Yepperz, that's what they do. So make OBOE GIRL the novel of the year.

Sincerely,
Lover of Oboes

P.S I would prefer if you answers dis by phone, anytime btw 1:30 AM-1:40 AM. See, dudiez, how flexible and easy to worked wit I am?

janetbellinger
08-20-2006, 06:41 PM
Dear Ms.Shady, editor in chief:

I have attached my ground breaking novel, "The Earth Under Your Feet," for your consideration. I think you will agree that it has the literary potential to enthrall your Gumshoe Press readers. I believe my novel would fall into the category of detective fiction as it also deals with feet. This is a novel about a former Torontonian trying to make it as a farmer in Uruguay. The big mystery is how he will fertilize the crops without further loading the watershed with nitrates. The exciting climax takes place during a dispute with neighbouring farmers about the use of manure. I think you will agree this novel will appeal to your detective story readers.

Sincerley,
J. Clueless

Robert Toy
08-20-2006, 07:08 PM
Dear Author,

It is obvious that you are much more qualified and intelligent than my last client and his handler, although his ability to swing on the overhead light fixture was quite impressive. Unfortunately, as all of the Lego blocks are currently in use, I am unable to use your work at this time. However, your query will be retained for a period of 180 days or whenever the next circus arrives in town, whichever is sooner. I feel certain that with your demonstrated capabilities you will reach the big top.Ē Best of luck.

Best regards,
The Agent

maddythemad
08-21-2006, 08:13 PM
To Mr./Mrs. Brown

I'm writing because I have the BEST book ever!!!!!!!!! It's taken me sixteen years to complete, and as I'm only thirteen, that's really saying something.

Basically it's about this woman who has this really ordinary life. It's 750,000 and I really want to get it publshed as SOON as possible!!!!!!!!!!!

So if I don't hear back from you in 3 days, I will be taking my business elsewhere.

<3, Maddy

Oh by the way, our phone and e-mail are off the hook, so you'll have to respond to me by mail. And make it express if you want it to arrive within the 3 day time-limit. Sorry I didn't include a SAES or whatever-- I couldn't find any stamps. Heheh.

maddythemad
08-21-2006, 08:29 PM
To Mr./Mrs. Brown

Hi, it's me again. I know it's only been 1 day since I last wrote you, but I forgot to mention that I've allready (sp?) been published. Yeah, my mom put my story, SABRINA THE TEENAGE WEREWOLF, into our family newsleter. She says it's very origonal (sp?)

So anyway WRITE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!

<3, Maddy

P.S. still can't find any stamps. LOL

persiphone_hellecat
08-21-2006, 09:52 PM
((Another letter - 1 week later))

You know, I am getting pretty fed up with ur 'tude. I think my next letter is going to be to William Morris himself so I can tell him what kind of people he has working in his office.

OK so now, ur horny secretary made this mistake and sent me this form rejection letter instead of a contract. U know, you really should hire someone who didnt have raging hormones. If she spent half as much time paying attention to her job as she did to the mailboy's a$$, things like this wouldnt happen.

So I don't have time to wait for u to fire the b!tch, hire a new secretary and train her. So why don't u just do the contract up urself? Just send me the same one u send Dan Brown - only remember to dock urself 5% of that fat commission u get for sitting on ur wide backside and doing nothing while I write the books and do all the work.

Oh yes, and make sure to include a nice fat CHECK this time. U think I work for free? If we don't get right on this, Jessica Simpson is gonna take another part and we are gonna lose her for the movie. I hear she is up for leading role in the remake of Gone With The Wind. Only this time, they're gonna call it THIS WAR BLOWS.

So look, ordinarly I'm a patient person, but that was when I was smoking weed. Now that I'm clean and sober, I get a little jumpy when people keep me waiting. And so does my boyfriend Guido. Remember him? The one who knows where u live? So unless u want him to kidnap one of ur kids and hold them hostage till u come across with the contract and the advance, I suggest u git ur rear in gear and start agenting.

Losing patients with u,

Ann Rice (no E - the E stands for EXASPIRATID.)

moth
08-21-2006, 11:43 PM
Dear Agent,

I have worked really hard on my novel. It is my baby and I really really want it to be published. Please please please represent me. I've really worked hard and I'll keep working hard, I'll be a great client for you.

I've read some of the stuff you've agented and I really like those books, so I think you'd really like mine. It is my baby, and I've worked really really hard on it, and I really want it to get published.

I hope to hear from you soon, and I really hope you'll want to represent me.

Please and thank you,
Hope Full

moth
08-21-2006, 11:57 PM
Miss Agent:

As per your guidelines, I am enclosing the first five pages of my chick lit novel CHICLET. Those pages are the title page, the dedication page, the copyright page, the "Part One" page, and the stock blank page that every book seems to have. I hope you enjoy them. Please feel free to write any notes on the blank page.

Your profile on agentquery says you used to work as a book packager. So did I. My first job was unpacking books (and sometimes packing them back up) for a dollar store in my hometown.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,
Y. Owza

persiphone_hellecat
08-22-2006, 01:11 AM
((The next day))

Look clown, I don't know what kind of a scam ur running there, but I called and there IS nobody there named William Morris. Whats up with that? U fakes afraid to use ur real names or something? I bet ur really not even an agent. Ur probably like some kind of clerk or something. U wouldnt know a good work of fan fiction if one smacked u in the mouth. Google Sailor Moon you dork. There's like 13 MILLION hits. That's three million more than for ur scam William Morris Agency. And that doesnt even count the image hits. There's 89 thousand pics of Sailor Moon on Google and only 933 for ur fake agency and I checked ... NONE of those pics are of anybody named William Morris.

However I think I found a couple pics of ur tramp secretary. Wait - that's Britney Spears. You represent HER? What the heck did SHE ever write? Does she even KNOW how to write? What's the name of her book? My Life As White Trash?

And u represent Chuck Woolery? Wasnt he like a game show host back in the 70's or something? Isnt he dead now? He writes books? And Pamela Anderson? What does she write? How to Stand Up with Huge Boobs and Not Fall Down? I see u also represent Glen Campbell. Wow - he's a real big name in the publishing world today aint he?

You know what? Since I started writing to u I got like 25 letters from that Publish America place. They are hot to handle me, baby. I mean HOT! So I suggest u tell ur old fart clients Willie Nelson, BB King, Cher, Carol Channing and Montel Williams to chill out a while so u can take care of the up and coming talent. Those people are all OLD now. They are gonna die on u sooner or later and then where will u be? Up a creek without a client. Capeesh? About the only good looking client u got is Salma Hayek and she needs those caterpillars over her eyes trimmed.

By the way, Guido dropped by ur kids school yesterday. They get out at 2:45.

Get with it, pal. Ur letting the best up and coming author since Dan Brown first picked up a pen get away. Just remember -- the Da Vinci Code bombed as a flick. Nobody wanted to see it. U really blew that one. Maybe I dont want u for my agent anyway. I mean Elijah Wood is a client of urs? That ... hobbit?

Tell u what - I think I need a day or two to think this over before I decide. Use the time to replace that slutty secretary of urs. Talk to u soon.

Ann Rice (No E - obviously in ur case - E doesnt stand for Excellent Agent)

Firefly
08-22-2006, 04:54 AM
Dear To Whom It May Concern:

I have a wonderful new fiction concept to present. Remember the novel "The Neverending Story" (Bastian, Atreyu, etc.)? And you know how people joke that it's a gip, because the story DOES end?

Well, I have written the first 50 pages of a story entitled "The Eternal Tale," (not as catchy a title, but 'twill do). And this time, it really WILL go on and on. See, I will continue writing "The Eternal Tale" for the rest of my life. Before I die, I will appoint a "literary heir" to take over and continue writing, and go off in different directions, and maybe even different genres, etc. Each one will have a subtitle, so this first will be "The Eternal Tale: The Beginning," the next one could be "The Eternal Tale Continues," then "The Eternal Tale: The Third Tale," etc.

I have enclosed the first fifty pages (as thats all I have for now!). In the meantime, I will continue writing the first book, so that it will be ready upon your request of the entire manuscript, wherein I will send it.

Eternally yours :P

Writer B. Gone

DeborahM
08-22-2006, 07:02 PM
Hey -

I hope your day is going well. I saw you at the Kersner party the other night but I'm not sure you saw me, because you were running the other way for some reason.

Well, I've decided to try writing one more time. You know my history with writing, what can I say. Luck?

I am sending, Love on the Linoleum to you. It is about the MC, Sara, waxing her floor with polyurathane instead of her normal waxing agent, because she grabbed a can instead of the bottle in her frenzy over a soap opera she was watching.

Now imagine...she's worked up in a frenzy, mopping fast so she can get back to the soap opera, when, in walks her lover. He soothes her anger with...well...I'll let you read how yourself.

Moving on, here we are down on the floor rolling around like two minks in heat and I end up on my back where I fall asleep while she's back watching her stupid soap operas.

You guessed it. I can't get up. I am stuck to the floor. In my fear of living the rest of my life naked and stuck to the floor, I begin yelling for help. Sara runs to the kitchen and has the audacity to stand there and laugh like some deranged crazed fiend at my circumstance, without a thought of rescuing me.

After the degragation of her laughter, she finally goes to the phone and dials 911. Of course, as she tries to explain my situation, the crazed fiend overtakes her logic and I spend another agonizing 10 minutes waiting for her to quit laughing so dispatch can send help.

Well, here I am, waiting and I can hear the sirens as the ambulance and fire truck come rolling down the street. I suck up my courage for what is to come, but that is rapidly squashed when they take one look at me and begin laughing hysterically as Sara joins them.

Through all this, neither Sara or I thought to cover my nakedness, which added to my plight.

I was thankful when the fire chief sent a young fireman out to the truck for a can of mineral spirits or turpentine, which they squirted around my body to free me from the floor.

I sincerely want you to know that I am now considering changing my genre to murder mysteries, in hopes that it will stop the catastrophies I have currently had to live through.

Waiting to hear from you,

Burney Hodcloffer

erika
08-22-2006, 07:24 PM
Dear Agent,

I have written a ground-breaking story of spiritual struggle that 150 philistines have refused. I could tell from your website that you're different.

The book is entitled "The Small Penis Wars" and it chronicles one woman's struggle to trust that God is good despite the sexual impotency of her various partners. At its heart, this story addresses the age-old question, how can we believe that a loving God could produce such a troubled world?

This book is geared to gay Jewish men. Currently, they are inundated with stories of sexual awakening and Jewish stuff. What they don't have is access to hard-hitting novels that confront the problems of being a Christian woman. My book will fill this vacuous and empty void.

Most publishers and agents are afraid to touch so daring a topic, which is why they have all rejected me thus far. But God is calling me to email you. He is telling me that you are the one with the balls to handle such an explosive and incisive commentary on the human condition.

Please email the Atlanta public library and let me know when I can get you the full manuscript. They will pass the message along to me, as I frequently loiter on their steps. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

God's blessings,
Johnny

Soccer Mom
08-22-2006, 11:04 PM
Okay, it's too early to award Title of the Week- but I say Erika has just laid down the gauntlet with The Small Penis Wars :)

moth
08-23-2006, 05:13 PM
Dearest agent,

I hope you can read this -- I got the darkest pink sparkly pen they had at the store. I can read it fine so I'm guessing you can too.

See that unicorn up there, the one I drew? She's the main character in my 200,000 word fantasy novel, UNSCREW THE UNICORN. She gets her horn stuck someplace it shouldn't be, and her friends have to find a way to get her out before it's too late.

I've enclosed the full manuscript for you. Do you like the perfume I sprayed on it?

Could you do me a favor? Would you take some of the glitter I put in this envelope and mail it back to me so I know you got this? Either that or call me to let me know you got this. Thanks bunches!

You really are a wonderful agent. TTYL!

Love,
Fairydust (that's just a nickname my friends call me but you can call me that too *smile*)

-------------------------------
Note: I can't take credit for this fake title, though I wish I could. I heard it on a kids' show and it's cracked me up ever since.

Soccer Mom
08-23-2006, 06:16 PM
Deer angent,

Irma iz geting upsett thut U hav not writen. I keeps teling her evrythin iz OK, butt I don thank she beleevs me. U aint seen sad til U seen a mule crye. U beter rite uz reel fast or U gunna brake her hart.

Opie

Provrb1810meggy
08-23-2006, 06:40 PM
SUBJECT: QUeriEZ
CC: agent@agent.com, agent@agent1.com, agent@agent2.com, ............
Attach: myaWeSomeybi0.doc

DeAr AgenTz,

Hey yo! Suppy? NEway, I wnt you 2 l00k @ my bioGRAphy. Itz an aUt0 bio, aLL AbouT my l1fe. mY L1Fe is sUpa 1ntrEst1n' bud. it's lik super coolie 2 da max. I got tOnS o' liFe eXperiEnCE, lik g01ng 2 da h0spit@l for a tOnsel-pUlly-Out!

It's called MY LMAO FUNNY LIFE, and it's prACTICAlly a mil, gazil, wrDs. K, I lieD. It's only 5,000 wrds. Ain't ThAt a lotzIes? YepperZ.

SinCERely,
TEEnybop BoPPin to the Top

JoeEkaitis
08-23-2006, 07:39 PM
George Howell Wright
3322 Elm Street
Springfield, CA 99999


September 31, 2009

Ms. Alexandra Reed
Children's Submissions
Perihelion Press
3579 Publishers' Row
New York, NY 11111

Dear Ms. Reed:

It is my extreme pleasure to offer Perihelion Press the opportunity to consider my picture book manuscript The Sad and Lonely Dragon.

The title character is befriended by a boy who shares the Dragon's misery because the boy isn't the best-looking child in town. Out of their friendship grows a bond that wins over the hearts of the citizens of a nearby village so much so that the Dragon is elected mayor of the town and the boy grows up to become a town official as well.

The manuscript will be on its way the moment you ask to see it. I should also mention that I'm a studly alabaster hunk with hair the color of spun gold who photographs well in a faux leopard thong. I will be happy to send samples from a recent "Hot, Wet & Wild" photo shoot along with the manuscript.

Yours sincerely,

George Howell Wright
author, hunk

persiphone_hellecat
08-24-2006, 11:19 AM
((Moving on..))

Dear Mr. Brown and Mr. Little (or is it Mr. Little and Mr Brown?)

I got this agent over there at William Morris agency who isnt exactly doing his job so I guess I have to write to you directly. I have been checking out all the publishers, and I decided you are the one I want to go with for my fan fiction book featuring Sailor Moon, Pokeman, The Highlander and Xena the Warrior Princess against Conan the Barbarian, Lex Luthor, Darth Vader and SATAN. Can you just see it? It touches so many characters, you are going to sell soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many books!!

At first it was gonna just be like this huge battle between the characters, four on four, but then I got to thinking and I decided to add some new stuf to it. I mean like other genres. So I was thinking about a really hot love scene between Xena and Highlander for starters. That would be really awesome. They could like sneak off together into a cave or something while everyone is getting ready for the big battle and do the wild thing. Here's a little clip ....

Xena moaned softly as her hips shifted and she settled back with her eyes closed. The Highlander looked at her undulating body, and beneath his kilt, the first tinglings of lust filled him. "Xena, you look so beautiful in the dim, light of the cave. You have no idea how much I want you."

It goes on from there. Since it isnt just a battle anymore, I think I might change the name from Clash of the Titans to something like The Battle Begins at Dawn or maybe The Quickie Before the Quest. That could be like the subtitle right?

It will be real easy to write that scene 'cos it is actually copied from a real event between me and my boyfriend Guido. Only Guido wasnt wearing a kilt and we were in the backseat of his Trans Am, not in a cave. But it's the same thing otherwise. Oh yea, but I won't write about the part where the cops came and tapped on the fogged up windows and told us to get dressed and move on. You don't wanna hear about that part anyway (blushes)

So, since my agent from William Morris won't get off his tail and call you guys, one of you is gonna have to call him. Tell him you are really hot to get a hold of this great new book by Ann Rice - the one with no E. You can tell him about the love scene and all - he doesnt know about that part yet. Can you believe his stupid secretary actually made a mistake and sent me a form rejection letter? To me -- the hottest writer since Dan Brown!

So you can take care of all the details and stuff. Oh yea, and make sure you send the advance check directly to me. My agent would probably lose it or something. And he is only getting 10% commission. And make sure you get me listed on that list in the Sunday Times. I don't read it, but I think some actually do read the Times. That list sells you lots of books, right?

Guido wrote me one of those blurb thingies for the back of the book. This is it. "This is the best book ever!" Pretty good huh? Guido doesnt write much. He doesnt read much either. He only has a GED.

Snap me up fast, Mr. Little and Mr. Brown (or vice versa) because my next letter is going to be to Mr. Harper and Mr. Collins or maybe Mr. Random and Mr. House.

I am also including a form from my probation officer. Kindly fill it out and send it to her showing I contacted you about working for you. You don't want the next Dan Brown to be back in jail now, do you?

Hugs,

Ann Rice (the one with no E)

Soccer Mom
08-24-2006, 11:39 PM
Dear esteemed colleague,

I have penned a magnificent opus for your worthy consideration. The Bleak Epistyle is 400 thousand words of superlative prose in iambic pentameter. This astounding novel plumbs the depths of human contemplation in the glorious pantheon of socially conscious Darwinism with a mirthless touch of neo-hedonism for the warmth this imparts. Brilliantly crafted in second person present tense, Bleak Epistyle takes place in a single afternoon as our prodigious protagonist sips exquisite coffee while waiting for his mother. He begins writing a letter to himself. This is that letter.

Shall I mail you my entire extraordinary, hand-crafted manuscript prepared entirely in calligraphy for your judicious consideration?

I have many prestigious degrees and academic awards. I decline to mention such honors as they have little meaning to the unwashed masses.

I eagerly wait your grateful response,

Roget De Thesaurus

moth
08-25-2006, 06:01 AM
O Marvelous Agent so divine
Do thoughtfully thine eyes incline
Toward my masterpiece so fine
How could you ever decline to represent?

These ninety thousand words I've spent
Telling the tale of Ambrose Kent
Will make his love for Lily evident
As will the wit I've lent through rhyme and meter.

For you see, the day he gets to meet her
Ambrose does in a footrace beat her
And later on he gets his peter
Caught in Lily's white and petaled rose.

So agent dear, do you suppose
That I could send you AMBROSE GOES?
I guarantee you won't think it blows,
And maybe we'll make money from these words of mine.

Sincerely,
Poet Novelist


ETA: If this is too risque I'll delete it.. *unsure*

Soccer Mom
08-26-2006, 01:14 AM
Best title of the week goes to Erika for The Small Penis Wars, Honorable mention goes to Persiphone for Quickie Before the Quest, best adaptation goes to Moth for Unscrew the Unicorn.

Keep them coming. These things get funnier and funnier. Especially after 3 am and with a little wine ;)

persiphone_hellecat
08-26-2006, 01:14 AM
((Moving on))

OK Mr. Superagent, u dropped the ball ... AGAIN. I did ur job for u and contacted those guys over at Brown Little/Little Brown whatever. And do u know what? They've never even heard of me! Umm ... isnt that kind of ur JOB? Arent u supposed to be making me famous now?

Were u too busy trying to get Chuck Woolery's career out of the crapper and find him another game show? Wasnt he the star of the world's first game show - The Original Wheel of Fortune? The one where the wheel was actually the original wheel? And the prize was FIRE? Give it up. Stick a fork in him -- Chuck is done -

Or maybe u're busy trying to get Cher work. What does she need an agent for anyway? Didnt she retire -- like 10 times??

Perhaps u are busy booking Carol Channing for the 55th revival of Hello Dolly. Well u better do it fast, pal, cos she is old and might die on you. Make the tour short. U don't want to have to cancel engagements because ur 99 year old star just bought the farm.

Look -- I made changes in the book. I know what sells. Good old fashioned SEX. Xena and Highlander are gonna git bizzy in a cave before the big battle. It's gonna be HOT. I was also thinking about a scene where Sailor Moon gits seduced by SATAN. Good idea huh? I mean she's so cute and innocent and all. I think I'll put that in the beginning. Something like this...

Sailor Moon is walking along the street one day when SATAN pops out of the bushes and grabs her. He takes her to hell where he tells her he is gonna make her a real woman. Sailor escapes and rounds up her friends Xena, High and Poke to go after SATAN for revenge. Xena and High say sure they will help, but first they left some battle stuff they need up in this cave. Heh heh ... winks winks... Pretty good huh?

Oh yea, I forgot to mention the merchandising rights. Dolls, toys, comix, t shirts, lunchboxes, the whole she-bang. We're doing it all, right? Only I dont think SATAN lunchboxes will be too cool. Teachers might not like that. So go easy on the SATAN merchandising.

So get busy pal. Start making those calls. Get Mr. Random and Mr. House on the horn. Or is it Mr. Random and Dr. House? Anyway - make that call if u want ur ten percent.

Is ur secretary still banging the mailboy? Actually, Guido thinks he saw the mailboy going in ur house while u were at work and ur kids were at school. I told Guido that he was just there to deliver the mail. Like duh! U do git mail at home too right? Only Guido said it was odd that the pool boy went in the house at the same time the mailboy did. U got an indoor pool or something?

Thazzit for now, bud. Git busy agenting. And send the form to the Probation lady. I'm gitting tired of having to explain it to her while peeing in bottles.

Ur client,

Ann Rice (without the E - the E stands for Eh - how come the US Post Office dont deliver ur mail at home anyway??)

Celia Cyanide
08-26-2006, 01:42 AM
Dear Name Of Agent:

You probably thought I forgot to write your name in, but I decided to just leave it like that. I'm sick of typing out a name just to get rejected and have to keep changing this dumb query letter a million times.

I'm not going to give you the hard sell. I'll give it to you straight. The bad news is, my book's not that good. I wouldn't buy it myself. But the good news is, that won't be a problem. I go into book stores all the time, and see books, and think to myself, "This is awful! I wouldn't buy this crap!" And yet many of these crappy books go on to sell millions of copies.

You're looking for a good book. But I think you need to get out of that mindset. Good books don't always equal good sellers! Why take that chance?

I think I was supposed to tell you what this book was about in here, so I will add a few sentences about that, even though it doesn't matter. I wrote some stuff about teenagers smoking pot. I even put some sex and sh!t in there, too, just so it will be controversial. If you would like, I could add some Columbine-type scene. I don't know how well it would fit with the story, but I could introduce a new character in chapter 14. That one is a little short. I'm just not sure if sex and drugs are that controversial anymore, and I'm afraid I might have to put some guns in just to make sure some articles are written about it. That would save you tons of money on advertising.

And since my book isn't good, you wouldn't need to waste your time and money sending out review copies.

Well, write back soon. I hope you appreciate my unconvential approach.

Author

moth
08-26-2006, 05:57 AM
Dear Mr. Wonderful Agent,

I've enclosed the first three chapters of my d!ck-lit novel HE IS...THE MAN. It's about Tank McPiston and his adventure-laden, lay-fraught ascent to manhood.

I've also enclosed a check-off sheet and several colored envelopes. These correspond to my detailed filing system so please do not mess them up.

After you read my pages, please follow these instructions:

If you liked it tons, call me right away!!
If you liked it a lot, check the first square on the check-off sheet and send it back to me in the blue envelope (blue is my lucky color *wink*).
If you liked it, check the second square and mail it in the green envelope.
If you're on the fence, check the eighth and twelfth squares and mail it in the yellow envelope.
If you didn't like it that much, check the seventh square and mail it in the aquamarine envelope (please do NOT confuse this with the blue envelope!).
If you didn't like it at all, check the third, sixth, ninth and fifteenth squares and mail it back in the red envelope.
And if you hated it, check the eleventh square and mail it in the black envelope with the skull-and-crossbones and sad-face stickers on it.

I hope to get your phone call or blue envelope (NOT aquamarine!!) soon. Remember, please don't mess this up.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

With warmest fuzzies,
The Duchess of Yikes

janetbellinger
08-27-2006, 11:42 PM
Dear Ms. Duchess:

I am sorry but we no longer accept letters from unagented authors. We have returned your letter and materials to you. Have a nice day

Ms. Wonderful Agent

DeborahM
08-28-2006, 12:50 AM
Ha Ha! It's Me Again!

I am sorry to say I missed the last party. I'll tell you later why.

Well, as I mentioned in my last letter, I have moved to murder mysteries.

I have enclosed Killer Summer for you to read. I heard there was one already out and I'm sure some smart asz has probably thought of that title too, but I want to get in front of them. So please hurry and get this one published for me!

Killer Summer begins on a sultry summer afternoon on the Lakes of Woebegone where Sara and I took our summer vacation.

The air is thick with humidity, which drops on your body with every step. My darling Sara runs for the lake stripping with every step until she falls trying to take her pants off, then joyously jumps into the water.

Little did she know, Injun Joe had just dived under water while washing his pet bear. Sara came up, Injun Joe came up, and the bear came up at the same time. The bear, embarrassed Injun Joe was washing him in public, roared at Sara. ďEEEK!Ē came from Sara before fainting in the water.

I ran to our cabin and grabbed my rifle. As I came out of the cabin, I was shocked to see the bear had Sara in his arms, bringing her to shore with Injun Joe behind him. What was I to do? Was the bear carrying her off to store her for his winter meal? Was he bringing her to safety, feeling guilty in scaring her?

I stood paralyzed. What could I do? You guess it. I shot myself in the foot and that ended our summer vacation right then and there. Sara had to drive us home. What a Killer Summer!

Still waiting to hear from you, only now, Iím really sitting here with my foot propped up, and thatís why I missed the party.

Sincerely,

Burney Hodcloffer

Soccer Mom
08-28-2006, 12:56 AM
ooookay. Killer Summer is out of the gate as my favorite title of the week. Of course it's sunday. ;) Thanks for making me laugh Deb M.

BTW- I love the idea an agent trying to answer these queries. Thanks Janet :)

janetbellinger
08-28-2006, 01:37 AM
Dear Mr or Ms Editor,
Why don't you put your name on your website so I know who to address this thing to? It's totally rude of ya not ta, ya know.
I'll let it go this time though if you promise to publish my book, called Rules for Writing. It's like a totally new idea. It shows ya how to use your inner self to write your book for you. It's never been done before, trust me. So tell me, whatd'ya think? Please get back to me by return as I might get an offer from another publisher in the meantime. I await your immediate response.
Yours in publishing,
Bleacho Pen

moth
08-28-2006, 02:11 AM
Dear Agents,

Ninety nine manuscripts left in the pile
Ninety nine manuscripts left --
You take one down
Pass it around...
Put them all down and read mine 'cuz you'll smile!

I've read all the blogs and I know how awful your slushpile can be sometimes. I totally sympathize. Toward that end I've made my manuscript one that will make you very happy. It has everything you're looking for and it's well written.

BEER ME is about five college friends who attempt to drink a six pack of every beer in existence before their freshman year is over. Along the way their friendships are tested, and they each learn something about themselves in the process.

So sit back, grab a beer, and bump BEER ME up to the top of your queue. Read it tonight and you'll be happy you did. The full is attached to this email and you can either print it all out or read it at the screen, whichever you prefer.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Bud Miller

Project nachonaco
08-28-2006, 02:16 AM
Hey y'all,

I be sendin' ya my man-yoo-screept fer revuein'. Now, y'all best except it or I'ma come afta ya with mah boomstick!

-Texan/Kentuckian

Soccer Mom
08-28-2006, 04:14 AM
Okay. Beer me in on the list of great titles this week.

And go easy on us poor Texans, Nacho. Too many letters makes our eyes hurt.

Project nachonaco
08-28-2006, 04:16 AM
I've got so many southern states in me it's nuts. ;)

MidnightMuse
08-28-2006, 09:05 PM
Dear Insert Agent Name Here;

It's Huck Fin meets Farscape. 160,000 words. You'll love it, I'll send it.

'nuff said.

Signed Put Real Name Here.

moth
08-28-2006, 11:14 PM
Dear Mr. or Ms. Tagen,

Thank you for opening this big package. My project for you is a cookie cookbook, IN THE COOKIE JAR, and I've made a dozen of each of the 200 recipes for you and your staff to take a taste. I'm not going to take up your valuable time with any details about the proposal for the book -- I'll let my cookies speak for themselves.

I'm highly qualified to write this book since I've been baking cookies for years and my family just loves them. I've won so many church bake-offs that they actually named the church kitchen after me (that's no joke, they really did!).

Thank you for considering my proposal for IN THE COOKIE JAR. I hope you like gingersnaps!

Sincerely,
The Cookie Lady

Soccer Mom
08-28-2006, 11:22 PM
Current candidates for best title are Moth for "Beer Me" and I-Shrugged for "Mrs. Howitzer Plugs her Husband." Besta adaptation nominee is Deb for Killer Summer.

Thanks to Moth for the box of cumbs.

DeborahM
08-28-2006, 11:24 PM
Yep, it’s me!

Thank you for remembering me, and my foot at the last party. I must admit my throwing my drink on you this time was an accident when I caught my foot on that ladies gown and when she moved, it sent me tumbling.

Anyway, enclosed is Killer Summer Revisited for you to read.

The murderer crept through the dark cabin. It was silent except for the old ticking clock in the family room. Alley, the cat watched as the murderer came closer, then receiving an ominous feeling, jumped down and ran, ducking under tables and chairs, out of sight.

The clock chimed two and not all was well. A case of the raging runs hit me. As I made my way to the bathroom, I tripped over Alley, hit my head on the wall and stepped back on Alley again, who shrieked and ran for safety under the bed, while I sh** my drawers.

Funny, I thought, he didn’t run for the family room as I walked bow legged to the bathroom. Sara woke up wanting to know what happened and I told her to go back to bed. I jumped in the shower fully clothed, figuring I wash myself, and the drawers at the same time.

Suddenly, I could see a shadow of a figure through the shower curtain and it wasn’t Sara unless she grew another five feet and was wearing a man’s fedora. The arm raised and I could see a knife in the hand. Standing in fear, I sh** my drawers.

Before I could scream, a load boom reverberated in my ears. The shadow and knife fell into me as I sh** my drawers…again. I landed in the shitty water, sending it everywhere. I felt the weight of the dead shadow holding me down and made me realize how a mobster with concrete shoes felt being dumped into the murky waters of his grave.

I fought the shower curtain off my face to get a breath of clean air, and when my eyes cleared; there stood Sara frowning, wet hair, in her white silk nightgown, which was now spotted with shitty water holding the smoking rifle. A scene I will always remember.

The worst part of this was I couldn’t take a shower because it was now a crime scene and none of the sheriffs wanted to be the one to take my deposition. One of the paramedics threw up in the tub while trying to retrieve the dead shadow from the shitty water. Boy and I glad I’m not in housekeeping!

After the sheriff left, Sara packed the car and Alley and made me run behind the car until we came to a car wash where she decided she would power wash me down before letting me back in the car. The suds I didn’t mind as much as the pain from the water blasting me out of the stall and into the vacuum machine. She later apologized for that.

I know you’ll enjoy Killer Summer Revisited more than I did living it.

Still in pain,

Burney Hodcloffer

Soccer Mom
08-29-2006, 12:05 AM
Dear Super Agent,

I have decided that it's time to strike a blow for animal rights. Why should people have all the fun. Animals need love too and this is why I have written kitty cat erotica.

Mr. Lucky Gets Lucky is only 5 thousand words, but hey, cats have short attention spans, so it ought to be about right.

Mr. Lucky is minding his own business when a naughty little minx crosses this black cat's path. She waives her tail in an enticing fashion and before he knows it, she leads him down the alleyway to thrilling, titillating adventure.

Mr. Lucky finds more female feline friends than James Bond. Your cat will love this book and he WILL come when called.

I'm sending you my full manuscript. You'd be a crazy cat to turn this catnip down.

Yours truly,

The Cat Pimp

moth
08-29-2006, 12:19 AM
Thanks to Moth for the box of cumbs.
Cumbs? Soccer Mom, were you already thinking about your Mr. Lucky Gets Lucky query? ;) ;) :D

threedogpeople
08-29-2006, 05:43 AM
Dear M. Agent,

Thank you for your last letter. I am very excited that you wished me luck in the future. I thought that it was very imporatnat to tell you that I have been checking my mailbox every day but haven't received a contract from you or my first check.

I have already started packing for my publicity tour and hope that you have scheduled Oprah and Late Night already. I will be in your offices for our meeting next Friday promptly at 3:00.

Dilusionally yours,

Me

moth
08-29-2006, 06:47 AM
To the Top Agent (possibly head agent or owner of) at the Agency:

Yours was the only agency I saw in all my research that has agents who handle both math textbooks and fairy fantasy. For this reason I think you personally are a perfect fit for my textbook-novel, MISS FAIRY'S SWEET MATH.

Kids can be entertained while they learn! It re-defines genre! Miss Fairy must defeat the nefarious Mathema-anti-tician, battling empty sets, inequalities and imaginary numbers to do so. It all comes to a head when Mathema-anti-tician attempts to divide by zero!

I also have a teacher's edition that has Miss Fairy getting a bit naughty with Mathema-anti-tician.

(What a name for a villain, huh? They'll be talking about that one outside of class!)

Thank you for considering MISS FAIRY'S SWEET MATH. I look forward to your response.

Algebraically,
Mac Simmum

Soccer Mom
08-30-2006, 05:43 PM
Cumbs? Soccer Mom, were you already thinking about your Mr. Lucky Gets Lucky query? ;) ;) :D

oops.

Soccer Mom
08-30-2006, 05:44 PM
Okay, titles in the running so far: Beer Me, Mrs. Howitzer Plugs her Husband, and Mr. Lucky gets Lucky. We need some new ones.

Soccer Mom
08-31-2006, 02:54 AM
Query 4:

Deer Angent, U dun it now. Irmaz hart iz all brok an U the one dun it. She aint dun nuthin fer too er tree daze now. She B the sadest mul U evr saw. I don no Y U don lik are buk. Can I cum see U? We need 2 tak.

startin 2 get mad,

Opie

persiphone_hellecat
08-31-2006, 07:09 AM
Hey There Mr. Agent!

You aren't gonna believe this! Guido knows your pool guy! He was hanging around your house the other day, and he saw the pool guy sneaking out of your back door just before your train pulled into the station. So he walks over to see whassup, and sure enough he knows him! Man, did he give Guido an earful!

So anyway what happened with those guys Mr. Brown and Mr. Little? You call them yet? We really have to get going on this book before somebody steals my idea. Or before they send me back to jail. Whichever comes first.

Ive been working on that part about High and Xena in the cave. In fact, your pool guy gave me a whole lot of great ideas for hot love scenes. He was telling me all about these hot scenes between him and this lady named Angela. Oh sh!t! I just realized - that's your wife's name isnt it? You dont happen to have a king sized bed with mirrors on top of it, do you? I'm trying to figure out how to put mirrors in the cave. Maybe its like a magical crystal mirror cave or something. Guido and I thought the mirror thing was so cool that we decided to try it out.

We went to this place called The No Tell Motel and got this room. To get in the mood, Guido decided maybe we should rent a movie. So we did and man did we get the shock of our lives. Did you know they hide cameras in those rooms? We turned the movie on, and there in all his glory, minus the speedo, is your pool guy. Is your wife blonde? About 5 foot 3 with a mole in the middle of her back? Wow what a video!

Anyway - Im enclosing the bill for the motel. $89. including tax. We also had a bottle of champagne = 5 bucks more. I'm including the bill here -- I figure I should be on one of those expensive account things by now.

Oh yeah, and about the video? We kept it. And unless you start selling my book, Guido and I are gonna be selling copies all over e bay. "Angela Gets Wet with the Pool Boy" should be a major best seller --

Best seller - get it? Sell the damn book.

Your client,

Ann Rice (the one without the E - E stands for E BAY where your wife's hot little tape is gonna be a big hit.)

moth
08-31-2006, 07:16 AM
Dear Agent,

Mama Tee don't take no guff from nobody. Not her kids, not her dogs, and for sure as hell not her many suitors.

She can't understand why lately so many good-looking guys are tryin' to court her -- her, fat and middle-aged and with hands that have seen too much scullery work -- until a newspaper editor appears as if from nowhere to explain the surprising answers.

HOOCHIE MAMA is a deep-fried literary novel, complete at 260,000 words. May I send you a partial or full?

Thank you for your time and consideration,
A. Uthor

Soccer Mom
08-31-2006, 07:17 AM
LOL, Moth. I might actually read that. You have a way with titles. Hootchie Mama :D

persiphone_hellecat
08-31-2006, 10:12 AM
Hi Mr. Agent!!

My friend Ann Rice (the one with no E) suggested I write to you and tell you about my great book idea.

My name is Suzie Stupid and I'm a Stew on Jet Blue. Hey that rhymes! Maybe I should be a poet, huh?

Well, I have this idea for a book. All the time, we see people trying to join the Mile High Club. They think we don't notice that two of them are missing at one time and the "occupied" sign is on in the bathroom for like twenty minutes at a time, but we really do. We know all about what goes on in there. Like duh, you dont have to be a rocket scientist to figure out why the bathroom door is shaking and you hear moans coming from inside.

But that's not the real story here. The real story is what goes on in the cockpit. You would be surprised what happens when we get all the passengers settled down on a red eye flight coast to coast, then head up to the cockpit. The pilot kicks on the old autopilot and then the action begins! You remember that book Valley of the Dolls? Well think Valley of the Dolls only a Mile High!

I'm thinking about calling it -- "Autopilot - Lust and Love in the Cockpit". It is going to be HOT! I mean real hot details of everything that goes on up there. The real good stuff. Only I'm gonna have to make up names on account of some of the pilots are married and stuff. But you'll still get the good stuff. I'm talking smokin' hot. Each book is gonna have to come with oven mits just so you can hold it to read it!! THAT'S HOT!!

Maybe I can even make some stuff up, you know? Like have some famous passengers from first class wander into the cockpit and join in with the action. The only thing is Jet Blue doesnt have any first class and no celebs would be caught dead flying on our cheap flights and eating our crappy blue potato chips. So I can change the name of the airline, too. Right?

I may have to change a couple other things. You know, being a Stew aint what it used to be. They don't really care anymore if you are just a little bit overweight or kind of old enough to have been around to wave when Wilbur and Orville flew the first flight. So, like in the book, we make them all 21, blondes and redheads and really busty. Kind of like Hooters in the air. Can you picture that?

Trust me, this book is going to be THTH - Too Hot To Handle. I already have this one pre-order for a copy from this guy who writes poetry. Maybe you can be his agent, too.

I already talked to Ann about this book and she says its gonna be a biggie. Right up there with her fan fiction book you are publishing. Arent you lucky to have both of us as clients?

Gotta run, they're calling my flight.

Buh Bye.

Suzie Stupid, Jet Blue Stew

moth
08-31-2006, 11:07 PM
Dear Agent,

The race is on! ORBIT THIS! is a sci-fi paranormal comedy mainstream fantasy sci-fi novel, 150,000 words, about a space race -- which team can orbit every planet in the solar system and return home first?

The story is set in a fictional solar system with aliens as the characters. The reason for this was, if it was in our solar system, the race would last something like 7,000 years...a little hard to do in a novel of 150k. I mean, I need more material than that to fill up all those words! So in my fictional solar system the race takes 11,000 years.

ORBIT THIS! will easily fit into publishers' catalogs and bookstores, since it can be shelved in so many places.

Per your guidelines I've included the first three chapters with this query. I feel I should let you know that that amounts to the whole book, since it only has three chapters -- titled "Beginning," "Middle" and "End" respectively.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Ready to read? On your mark -- get set -- go!

Sincerely,
Ace

persiphone_hellecat
09-01-2006, 12:28 AM
Dear Non Fiction Agent,

Taking this directly from the headlines, I am working on a new book concerning the downgrading of Pluto from a planet to a dwarf planet. As an amateur astronomer, I am totally opposed to revoking Pluto's planethood. I consider it akin to downgrading Danny De Vito from an actor/director to an oompa loompa.

The title of my book will be. "If It Can Happen to Pluto, It Can Happen to Uranus." Sooner or later, those elite astronomers will downgrade everything except those biggies like Mars, Jupiter and Saturn. Even Venus had better watch it's back, because one of these days, they may come for it, too.

I consider this an important work. I hope to have the backing of NASA and the Hayden Planetarium in New York. I understand the guys at the Hayden are pretty pissed about having to re-do all their exhibits.

Astronomically yours,


S. Tar Gazer

Provrb1810meggy
09-01-2006, 12:47 AM
Dear Agent,

I am eager to send you, THE MIX, a 900,234 word novel. This is the part where most would say the genre of their book. I have tried and tried, but my book defies the boundaries of genres. However, since you agents seem to like categorization, I've provided the following description. THE MIX is a suspense filled, action packed, sentimental tragedgy, with paranormal romance aspects, an alternate fantasy world, a chick lit writing style, and has historical settings.

This is where most would blab on about the plot of their novel. I, however, cannot do that here. My novel cannot be appreciated in a summary. One can only see the sheer brilliance, wit, and creativity of the writing if they read the entire novel, in one sit through. I would be ecstatic to send it to you, if you assure me you'll read it in one sitting.

Sincerely,
Kyla

Soccer Mom
09-01-2006, 07:22 AM
Ooooh, so many worthy titles here this week! Hmmm. I have some thinking to do :D

DeborahM
09-01-2006, 08:15 PM
Dear Burney Ė

Thank you for your submissions. I have read them with increased concern for your health.

First, you began with romance, which eventually deemed you helpless and stuck. Then, you moved to murder mysteries,which immediately put you into peril, at your own hand, I might add.

You mentioned at one time becoming a sports writer. I would hesitate to agree with this thought because you could become impaled by some wayward pole or find yourself at the bottom of a pile with a tackled football player, while standing on the sidelines with your luck.

At this moment, Iím trying to contemplate other genres for you to write in; however, this is all I have been able to come up with:

Erotica: Youíd probably become a sex kitten for a manic dominatrix

Historical: Youíd end up in Africa documenting a lost tribe and become dinner.

Humor: Now that might be a subject in which your penchant for trouble might not interfere, but then it has made your manuscripts quite humorous.

Childrenís books: Iíd be afraid, really afraid, of what youíd inflict on such young minds.

In conclusion, my suggestion is to try humor for your next subject. Take your time and give this some thought.

And by the way, Iím enclosing my dry cleaning bills. Payment is due upon receipt.

Your editor,

Ima Sonotyoureditor

Soccer Mom
09-01-2006, 09:30 PM
All right. Time to hand out some awards. Y'all have so earned them this week. There were many worthy contenders.

Best Title Erotica: Mr. Lucky Gets Lucky (hey, I need love too ;))
Honorable mention: Autopilot: Love and Lust in the Cockpit

Best Children's Title: Mr. Winky Saves String

Best Non-fiction Title:If It Can Happen to Pluto, It Can Happen to Uranus
Honorable Mention: Miss Fairy's Sweet Math

But the coveted Best Title Award goes to : I_Shrugged for Mrs. Howitzer Plugs her Husband

Since I don't have a nifty trophy of a naked man painted gold to hand out, let's all give her lots of rep points today. Keep those bad queries coming. Otherwise, I'll have to go work. :D

JoeEkaitis
09-01-2006, 10:42 PM
Yo.

I figure if f***in' Madonna and f***in' Katie f***in' Couric can get a f***in' children's book published, I should be able to, too.

So what do I f***in' do next?

Chill,

Eminem

Soccer Mom
09-01-2006, 10:48 PM
Dear Mr. Eminem,

Our Big Name agency will be thrilled to have a ghost writer create a charming picture book for you to slap your name on. My people will call your people. The check is in the mail,

Sincerely,
Prestigious Agent

stormie
09-01-2006, 11:03 PM
Dear Mr. Agent,

How dare you reject my little boy's book! He worked so hard on it, barely touching his food, throwing fits if someone bothered him, locking himself in his bedroom, not going outside in the fresh air and sunshine for days. I read the book, and adored it, just like I adore my little precious.

My attorney will be in contact with you, and you'll soon be sorry you rejected my Bobby. We'll sue for pain and suffering and defamation of character. After all, he's only 40 years old and you ruined him for life.

Signed,

Mother of the Future Millionare (we'll win this case, just you wait and see)

moth
09-02-2006, 12:39 AM
Agent:

You are not "dear" to me. I'm approaching you with a business proposal and I want it taken that way.

TIGHT ASSES, TIGHT ASSETS is a self-help book that shows readers how to invest for profit in the fitness industry. Bang for your buck and a kickin' hot butt!

TIGHT ASSES was modeled after my own philosophy of life and business, as you can see from the author photo I've attached to the proposal materials.

I hope you'll be interested in a business relationship on this endeavor. Together I think we can make TIGHT ASSES the focus of the market!

Signed
J. Cann, Esq.

Provrb1810meggy
09-02-2006, 01:15 AM
Ug Ug Agent,

UGA! UGA! I write book. You pub book. Book be in all big caves. Book call So You Wanna Be A Caveman? Want you repersent me. Uga. Uga. Book good. You like. Like much.

UGA! UGA! UGA! Pound chest. Argh!

Bye,
Caveman Writer

P.S. You said you didn't enjoy gimmicks, but I knew mine would grasp your attention. If you want to actually know about the book, word count, genre, etc. you just have to email me.

wyntermoon
09-02-2006, 01:32 AM
hEy-
LikE, I was GoiNg to Text ThIs over but my Sistr's bFF tolD me I oughhtA, likE, seNd a rEal Lettr (liKe anYone rEallY doeS thAt aNymOre!) so heRe's My IdEa. I waS like, on SpriNg BreAk wiTh tHis totAlly hot guy anD he said, heeeeeeeeey, and I Said heeeeeeeeeey. ThEn we HooKed up on tHe beAch and I got saNd up my a$$ buT it was Ok until The cRabs foUnd us. hE didN't, liKe, text Me baCk yet but WhaTevah. So, This wouLd be, lIke, a romanCe or kid's boOk (rememBer Forever by JUdy Blume, she effIn' ROCKS)!!!!!!! The TitLe is "SanDBlastEd -- a Girl anD heR Crabs"!!!!!!!!!

Latah PlayAh-
XOXOXOXXOXO

S.T. Disease'

moth
09-02-2006, 02:56 AM
dear agent, i better make this fast since they charge me by the letter for txt msgs on my phone here...my novel 'gratuitous violence' is a historical romance told as a graphic novel, but the difference is that they have cell phones (and txt msgs) in 1800s england. and theres lots of gratuitous violence, but its essential to the plot too. so i hope you are interested, txt me back, okay? thx bye.

Provrb1810meggy
09-02-2006, 03:14 AM
*DIALS UP AGENTS NUMBER, VOICEMAIL COMES ON*

Hey (Enter Prestigous Agent Name.) I hear you don't accept phone queries, but I just love the phone. It gives me the opportunity to be EXPRESSIVE in the tone of my voice. Plus, it's much less trouble for me.

Anyway, my novel is called WHEN I CALLED MARCUS, THE OLDER ANDREANNA TWIN, PETER, WHICH IS THE NAME OF THE YOUNGER ANDREANNA TWIN, AND WAS COMPLETELY HUMILIATED IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYBODY SAID THAT I HAD ALSHEIMER'S, AND BY THE WAY, THE ONE TWIN IS ONLY TEN MINUTES OLDER, SINCE TWINS HAVE TO BE BORN ON THE SAME DAY. I think the title sums up my entire plot. The novel is 30,000 words.

Anyway, can't wait to hear back from you. Let me leave the digits, 555-5354. Feel free to call me and tell me how fascinating my idea sounds. K?

Soccer Mom
09-02-2006, 04:24 AM
The next week's title of the week is off and running. Sandblasted-A Girl and her Crabs! And Meggy's pretty much got a lock on longest title LOL :D

Aubrey
09-02-2006, 04:33 AM
Dear New York Literary Agency,

Hi there! I was on this board and they were saying all this mean stuff 'bout you bein' crooks and askin for money an stuff, and I told 'em that was nuts and I was sending my manu to ya anyway!

So here I am! My book is called Untitled 'cause I suck at titles. I don't know how long it is but it seemed kinda thick after I printed it out. I do know the font though! It's Comic Sans, size 20, and did the whole thing in bold and in caps.

I don't remember the plot much. I think it had something to do with some girl (Molly? Maggie?) and some dead guy (or girl). For some reason (I forgot why) the killer's after Molly/Maggie. Some hot guy (Mike? Jeremy? Something close to that) who's a cop helps her find his killer. They might have sex if I ended up leaving that in the manu. The killer comes to get her and hot cop comes by her house at the right moment and kills the killer with either a gun or blowtorch (I forget).

I hope you'll like this. And just so ya know, I don't think you'd try to take people's money like they say. Which is good, 'cause I just filed for bankruptcy this year. It's nothing but ramen and bike rides to work (some gas station, I think it's a major chain) for me!

See ya,

Boris

moth
09-02-2006, 07:12 AM
Dear Agent,

What happens when a chain of Italian fast food joints changes its menu and atmosphere entirely? And what happens to its owner?

JERK MY CHAIN is a novel about a national Italian restaurant that, because it's failing miserably, attempts to change over to Jamaican jerk cooking. All the drama, all the conflicts, all the jerks -- they're in my story. Plus recipes. You'll love it, and the general public will too.

JERK MY CHAIN is 10,000 words (either that or 700,000 -- I'm having a hard time reading the little word count thingy). It's told in first person, from the POV of the restaurant itself.

Thank you for reading -- how 'bout I send you a partial or full?

Sincerely,
S. Cribe

P.S. If you request a full...could you please count the words for me and tell me how many there are? Thanks in advance!

moth
09-03-2006, 03:27 AM
Dear Agent,

Harry Etunim is in a hurry. Everywhere he goes, he's in a rush...yet something always happens to delay him.

HURRY UP, I DON'T HAVE ALL MINUTE! is a humorous, "novel" look (get it?) at everyday life. Your website says to indicate word count, but I believe a better measure of my novel is by time. It is three hundred and twelve minutes long.

Thank you for your time. I can send a partial or full the very second you request it.

Hourly yours,

Tim E. Line

Provrb1810meggy
09-03-2006, 05:13 AM
Dear Agent,

Clara Clichee's world has been turned upside down. It could be worse though. Unfortunately, It HAS to get worse before it gets better. At least, every cloud has a silver lining. Her breakup with longtime significant other Ted has to have some silver lining somewhere. Maybe there are other fish in the sea. Clara is a strong girl and she'll carry on. When at first she doesn't succeed, she'll try and try again, following her motto, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

You can read about the interesting happenings in Clara's life in HASTE MAKES WASTE, an innovative story with a unique voice. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder however, and Mr. Agent, I am sure you shall find the beauty in the harrowing tale. Many other agents have, and if you can't beat them, join them, right?

Even if you do reject me, I will survive. You are a loser only when you fail to try, and I tried my hardest. If you'd like the manuscript, please reply.

Parting is such sweet sorrow!

Sincerely,
Cliched Writer

wyntermoon
09-03-2006, 06:06 AM
Dear __________________,
So I started this book in therapy because my doctor told me it would be good for me to get my feelings out in a "postive" way and I'm way beyond that now but I told her I'd do it because I don't want her on my butt about it, you know how they charge you so much an hour and I want to get my ex-husband's money's worth, HA HA. The book is about love and betrayal and how men cr@p on women all the time and sleep with their dogsitter, then she gets back at them with a little "joke" and a horse's head. Why doesn't anyone have a sense of humor anymore? Or is that whimsy, whatever your "buzzword" is right now, whatever. The title is Doggie Style -- A B!itch's Guide to Divorce.

So it's ready to publish, I didn't bother to edit it, why mess with perfection, am I right? HA HA. Just send the check payable to my )#@*# lawyer, he's a damn man too and screwing me as badly as Mel!

Rainbow )$*@#@ kisses,
Michaela C. Orleone

janetbellinger
09-03-2006, 06:24 PM
Dear Agent:

I've included the first 1,400 pages of my new cookbook, " The Aphrodesia of Vegan Fare," a groundbreaking new cookbook for vegans. It features many sexy tofu and lentil recipes, including sensual silken (not the slimy stuff that makes you barf) semi-naturally flavoured dessert tofu. You have to trust me on this one. It will turn your readers on. I have writing in my blood. My great uncle was an editor. Have you heard of him? He also self published a book on herbal enemas. Don't take a chance on missing out on this one. Beat out the competition and get back to me right away with a decent offer and the opportunity to publish "The Aphrodesia of Vegan Fare," will be yours. If you call, make sure it's before 7 a.m., as I have to go to work then. If you write by snail mail, make sure to include a SASE .

Yours in writing,

Moi

moth
09-04-2006, 04:03 PM
Dear Agent:
















Sincerely,


NOTE: The above query and my signature have been written in special ink that disappears if anyone but you, the agent, opens this letter. Same thing with the five sample pages I've included. (You don't have an assistant or anything like that, do you?) I certainly hope this reaches you intact so that you and only you can see my query.

SASE enclosed only for the WCS (worst case scenario) -- you have to mail me a request for a new query because you can't see my phone or email to contact me otherwise.

I hope to get your call or email soon. Again, thank you for your time and consideration.

DeborahM
09-04-2006, 09:55 PM
The sound of coins dropping into a pay phone...

The tones of eleven numbers being punched...

Clicking sound then the sound of a phone ringing

"You have reached the Jamie Doe Literary Agency. We do not accept collect long distance calls from our clients. If you know your agents extension, please press the number now. If you are a new writer, please leave a voice message now, and pray one of us calls you back. Thank you for calling the Jamie Doe Literary Agency."

"Yo! My name is Knife Murphy. I've just put three dollars into this da*n pay phone to call you. I'm only allowed a few minutes per phone call to talk, but you can call me back and they'll get me outta my cell to come talk with you.

I sent you my manuscript, Life On A Killing Spree With Me and Bobby McGee by the Singing Killer Redneck Cowboy, for you to look at.

I know you will love it because its a true story about my life on a killing spree driving across the country in my old '70 convertible caddy, where I stop and sing, Me and Bobby McGee on my gittar, an about all the sweet young things I've met by my singing, and how I find me my next victim."

Indistinct yelling in the background along with a loud clank...

"Well, the guard is yelling at my my time is up cause my cellmate is throwing a fit about he wants to call his mother. Heh, heh, he's such a mama's boy! My number is 1-800-DalJail. Call me!"

The sound of the phone hanging up and change dropping.

moth
09-06-2006, 12:36 AM
Dear Agent:

My very first draft of my very first novel is finished! Since I like books you've sold, I think you'd like selling mine.

The title is either PRIVATE FIRST CLASS or SHOOT FIRST AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER. It's either an erotic military novel or "hard" chick-lit (no pun intended, really!). I'm not sure which it is, but you're the pro, you can help me figure that out.

Basically the plot is that PFC Smith has to fight in a war, but there's also sex and intrigue.

There's about 700 printed-out pages of it from my computer. Can I send them to you?

Sincerely,
W.R. Iter

DamaNegra
09-06-2006, 01:42 AM
Dear Agent:

I've just written the next BIG bestseller that will make Daen Brown and J.K. Roweling feel like losers.

You're site sais that youre not open to sumbisions, but I know youl'l want to make an exeption for this great and once-in-a-lifeteime chance to be the lucky agent that's going to get the chance to represent my novel!

I bet you're all excited about it, huh? Well, wait until I tell you what it's about!

It's about a teenage wizard girl who'se father gets murdered by a secret organization that's been lurking for years and years, and they are planning to steal her powers for their evil purposes (they want to control the US government).

I know you'll want to represent this great opportunity, so I haven't even included a SASE. My number is 0188-IMTHEBEST. Call me!

Sincerely,
Next BIG Auther

moth
09-08-2006, 01:27 AM
Dear Agent:

I see on agentquery that you rep horror novels. I thought you might like my lower middle grade novel for a nice change of pace.

DIAPER VIPER is the nickname a ten-year-old girl gives her baby brother when he sprays her with pee as she tries to change his diaper. Hilarity ensues, and in the end all is well.

This is the first book in a series. The next two are tentatively titled Diaper Hyper and Diaper Swiper.

I hope you enjoy getting away from all that nightmare stuff for a while with DIAPER VIPER. The complete manuscript is enclosed. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

D. Nappy

Soccer Mom
09-08-2006, 05:29 AM
And we have a winner out of nowhere for best title!

Okay, Title Awards (I've been reading Miss Snark and have been remiss!)

Culinary Title Award to Janet for " The Aphrodesia of Vegan Fare,"

Children's Title Award goes to Moth for "Diaper Viper",

Scariest Author (a new category) goes to The Singing Redneck Killer Cowboy

Chick Lit Title goes to Wyntermoon for Doggie Style -- A B!itch's Guide to Divorce

Longest Title goes to Meggy for: WHEN I CALLED MARCUS, THE OLDER ANDREANNA TWIN, PETER, WHICH IS THE NAME OF THE YOUNGER ANDREANNA TWIN, AND WAS COMPLETELY HUMILIATED IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYBODY SAID THAT I HAD ALSHEIMER'S, AND BY THE WAY, THE ONE TWIN IS ONLY TEN MINUTES OLDER, SINCE TWINS HAVE TO BE BORN ON THE SAME DAY (phew!!!)

And Finally (drumroll please)

Best Title of the Week goes to: Shrug for "I B 2 Gr8t 4 U 2 C"

Wahoo! I feel inspired by Miss Snark to write more snarkworthy queries!

wyntermoon
09-10-2006, 06:32 AM
YAY me! Though I'm not sure my husband is too happy with my research. BAD DOG.

Provrb1810meggy
09-10-2006, 07:04 PM
Oh, thank you for this marvelous award. I hope you guys will enjoy the sequel, WHEN PETER, THE YOUNGER ANDREANNA TWIN, ASKED ME TO HOMECOMING, WHEN I WANTED TO GO WITH MARCUS, BUT HE STILL HATED ME, SO I SAID YES TO PETER AND BOUGHT A PURPLE FLORAL DRESS AT DEB, AND IT WAS REALLY CUTE, AND ALL MY FRIENDS WERE TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH IT, UNLIKE MY CHOICE OF DATE, SINCE THEY THINK MARCUS AND I ARE SO TOTALLY MEANT TO BE.

moth
09-12-2006, 05:02 PM
Dear Agent --

I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV. No, really. Well, I used to - I wore a white coat and stethescope and you can see me in the background of shots on "ER" several times.

My medical thriller SHE'S CRASHING! takes a look at ER procedures as seen through the eyes of an actor.

And, of course, seeing as how I'm an actor, I'd be the perfect person to play the protagonist, Dr. Studly McStiff, in the movie version.

SHE'S CRASHING! is 90,000 words of true-to-life medial drama, drawn from my own experiences. May I send you the complete manuscript?

Sincerely,
R. Ohtua

DeborahM
09-13-2006, 08:31 PM
Dear Julie,

It's me, Burney!

Enclosed you will find my manuscript I called, To Live Wild and Free Once Again And How To Watch Out For Those Horney Jungle Women .

You would not believe how wonderful it has been in Africa! Sarah decided not to come with me, which I now appreciate, because I have been getting it down here from more women than I did at home.

Unfortunately, I didn't pack enough condoms (I thought 30 boxes would be enough) and I have now become sick. I got my meds from the local missionaries, who have made me promise not to infect any other women, to repent my sinful ways and take myself deep within the jungle and spread the word.

The burning isn't so bad now, I must confess. I have now converted several tribes and have moved on to another tribe I hear are deeper up in the hills. I finally found them and have fallen for the wiles of the chief's daughter. He found us together a couple of nights ago and is threatening to boil me in water. I tried to tell him that isn't done any more, but I hear the drums starting up preparing for their dance around the fire as I write this and realizing I'm in deep **** here.

I am still hoping for a miracle escape or convince him, if his daugher ends up pregnet, killing me would leave the child fatherless and his daughter without a husband. Praying more for the escape at this point! I'm wondering what Sara will say when she finds out. I say when, because it never fails, you women always find out!

If I am never heard from again, my lawyer has been instructed to send you my last will and testiment.

Cross your fingers for me,

Burney Hodcloffer

aadams73
09-13-2006, 11:29 PM
Hiya! This just the bestest IDEA ever since I did that Rolling Stone cover wearing red pants and an american flag.

So,

LIKE,

OH MY GOD, so I was, like, lying around The Mansion the other day with Kev-kev and he was complaining about how no one is, like, taking his music seriously. And I was like, kev-kev, baby, you should TOTALLY write a book about your life and then people will totally get you. It'z like totally hard out there for a brilliant raper...uh..rapper. And he was like, yeah, baby, that's a seeet idea, and we can stick one of my new singles inside, like those dummies books. And I was like, dummies books? And he was like, yeah, you know, like that contraceptives for dummies book yo mama bought you when we got married. And I was like, oh yeah, I remember. It was the one with all the big words and the funny pictures of carrots and ballons. Then kev-kev was all, Brit-brit, spot me a few hundred so I can go hang with my hommies. I went and puked, coz, you know, morning sickness and all, but i gave him the hundred and then decided to write this letter.

So, what do ya think? Don't you think the story of Kev-kevs life would be a total Bestseller the way my cds used to be?

Laterz, Tater-tot is hollering. i'm gonna drop him on his head if he doesn't shut-up

Britney Spears Federline

Oh yeah, I nearly forgot, it could have a real cool title like, Kevin Federline, It's Hard Out Herre for a Sponge. Is that the coolest or what? Sponge? That sounds so soft and fluffy like my Kev-kev.

Soccer Mom
09-14-2006, 02:13 AM
Dear Ms. Snark,

I have written this really, really, really original book called Angeldemons of The Whitedrake Magickal Land of Soultears. It's a hefty 900K, but hey, that's fantasy, right? Oh, and it's the first book of my trilogy.

So anyway, there is this common born boy who is raised by ducks and can talk to animals and he's really a Mage Prince only he doesn't know it until this Wise Woman named Shanar'ai'lanai'anananai finds him and teaches him that he is really the special one foretold in prophecy.

So anyway, he hooks up with this Wizard, and a sword fighting Amazon chick named El'Anaiaia'shanar'ananananai and they go on this amazing quest for the Amulet of Whitedrake only there is this bad Angeldemon dude who wants it and he's like so evil, that he'll do anything to possess it 'cause it's got some special magickal sort of powers or something like that. (I can't remember. It's a really long book.)

So anyhoo, the commoner who's really a Mage Prince falls in love with this Angeldemon's sister and so they have like this big battle and the Mage Prince takes her to this Crystal Cave of Longhungers and he wants to marry her, but she's all like "No, I can't. He's my brother. I can't help you defeat him."
So the Mage Prince finds this old witch who lives in the Enchanted Ancient Forest of Secretmagick and asks for a spell to win the Angeldemon Princesses heart and the Witch sends him on this quest for a Dragon Claw.

So the Mage Prince and his talking duck go searching for the Dragon Claw in the land of Soultears, but the duck flies away for the winter and the Mage Prince gets so sad there that joins up with a band of misfit Dragon Hunters who are searching for the Dragon From the Mists of Yesterdayandtomorrow.

So they find this Dragon and he's like really old and stuff and the Mage Prince discovers that he can talk to Dragons telepathically, so he and the Dragon From the Mists of Yesterdayandtomorrow hook up (Ew! Not like that. Like best friends forever!) so the Mage Prince turns on the misfit Dragon Hunters and they promise to let the Dragon From the Mists of Yesterdayandtomorrow live if the Mage Prince brings them the Ring of Lovelythoughts from the Bogs of Smokydark.

So anyway, the Mage Prince goes to the Bogs of Smokydark and it's like all spooky and scary and he hears a Voice from the Magickal Mountains of Order and TO BE CONTINUED...

So whaddya think? Good start for a trilogy right?

So here's my address and you can send my checks there. It's my parent's house, but I live in the basement. I'm hard at work on the sequel.

Talk at you soon,

Dell Lusional

persiphone_hellecat
09-15-2006, 12:32 AM
Hey there Agent.

You havent heard from me for a while, huh? Have you noticed you havent heard from your kids in a while either? Some kind of Dad you are. Guido snatched your kids like 5 days ago, and you havent even noticed. Your wife doesnt seem to mind, either. She's too busy with the pool boy. We left a lot of calls with your secretary, but she and the mail boy are still doing the horizontal mambo on top of your desk while you're out to lunch.

So what's it gonna be? You want the kids back? Start publishing my book. Have that cheap secretary of yours start transcribing my notebooks and get those guys Mr. Random and Mr. House on the horn and tell them you need a publishing date. There 's a big Sailor Moon convention in November and I want books to sign - got it?

By the way, your kids are pretty cool. They told us all about Miss. Sullivan in accounting and how she "audits" you two or three nights a week. Your divorce case might just wind up on Court TV.

So get publishing, Mr. Hanky Panky, because we set up a cam in your office one day after hours. The cleaning crew helped us, and we've got vidoes!! The kids think we should sell them on E Bay, but I told them we'll hold off a little while longer and see if you play ball with us.

Johnny and Sarah send their love. So does Killer - we took your dog too. Are you and the wife too busy with middle age crisis to even know your dog is gone? I'm thinking about keeping the dog. People like you just don't deserve nice little animals like that cute little Yorkie.

Get a move on, bud. Print those books.

Ann Rice
The one with no E
The other one only writes that religious crap now.
In her case, the E stands for Egotistical

PattiTheWicked
09-15-2006, 12:48 AM
Dear Agent Most Esteemed,

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in New York must of course be seeking a mate, and it is my great pleasure to show you why in my delightful 400,000- word Regency time-travel romp, Sex and Sensibility.

Pixie Stixx is a popular advice columnist for the New York Apple, and it is much to her great astonishment that one morning she awakes to find herself among the ton of England's country society of 1818. Much to her great consternation, Pixie -- now, of course, referred to only as Miss Stixx, for that is how she must be addressed by society -- must learn how to adapt to dancing at balls instead of nightclubs, and ends up wearing a corset instead of her Manolos.

When Pixie falls in love with the dashing Lord Dripwater, an Earl with a mysterious secret -- for what other kind shall there be? O, it is to laugh! -- a great comedy of manners ensues. Join Pixie, Dripwater, and the scheming Mrs. Bartlebottom for a sexy and "Austentatious" romp through Regency Cotswoldshire!

We remain yr most affectionate servant,

Miss Harriet Wintersniffle and cats
The Rectory

persiphone_hellecat
09-15-2006, 01:40 AM
Hi Daddy - It's your kids Johnny and Sarah -- remember us? Obviously not. We're staying here with Ann Rice (the one without the E) and her boyfriend Guido lately. Killer is here. She says hi too.

Daddy, we read this book and it is GREAT. You gotta print it! Ann even let us read the hot parts. Xena and Highlander getting it on in the cave just before the battle - WOAH. Man it is hot stuff. You are gonna need to make asbestos book covers for this book because it is HOT.

Ann says we can come home as soon as you print the book. Tell you what though- print the book, but we think we'll stay here anyway. Ann and Guido are really great. They let us stay up late, eat pizza and we even play Twister. When was the last time you and Mom played Twister with us? Ummm like NEVER?

We know you are boinking the babe in accounting and we know mom is doing it with the pool guy and the guy from Pea Pod too. You don't have any time for us. So we plan on staying here and writing fan fiction with Ann. As long as you keep printing it, we promise not to come home - how's that?

Your former kids,
Jonny and Sara (We both dropped dropped the H - H is for We hate you)

And your former dog Killer

PattiTheWicked
09-15-2006, 05:01 PM
Dear Agent,

Okay, so I was sitting there watching Spongebob Squarepants the other day, and i had a gr8 idea. What if Spongebob was actually a potato, adn he went to space? So I wrote this awesome story about it -- it took me a whole week -- and it's called Spongepete Potatopants Goes To The Moon.

Did you notice the big box that came with this letter? You need to open it soon, because I sent you a bunch of potatoes that i decorated up like Spongebob (only its SpongePETE, right?) so tht you can get an idea of what the characters look like. Oh and there's also a big yam in there wearing a dress. Don't worry about that one, it got in the box by mistake.

I think this book would make a really good movie too. You could sell it to someone really cool like Peter Jackson and they could make it into a three-hour potatopalooza, with Claymation and stuff. I bet Jack Black would do a great job as Spongepete's voice. Can you check and see if Steve Buscemi is available to do Patrick Kumquat, who is Spongepete's bestest friend?

I even wrote a song about my characters. Sing this out loud to the tune of Stairway to Heaven.

There's a tater who's sure
all he digs in is dirt
and his name is Spongepete Potatopants
Whoa oh oh

Just so you won't forget me and drop me in the slush pile, i've enclosed one more special gift for you.

http://www.bewarethecheese.com/spudnuts.gif

Love & kisses & potatoes,
Stud Lee Spudly

Jaycinth
09-16-2006, 12:35 AM
Dear Valued Agent:

Below, please find the query for a spy thriller with the working title ĎCrab Saladí.

In 1947, Habib De Goldberg wakes up in the shadow of the Kremlin with a wart in the center of his palm. Risking everything he creeps across Moscow, escaping on a raft of floating corpses down the Volga and winds up in the Black Sea. Rescued by a Greek fisherman, he is interrogated by South African operatives who determine he is no threat to their fake amber producing operation and he is dumped, drugged on the beach of Galveston, Texas.

By November 1963, Habib is an out of work sausage vendor, who lives on boiled clover and dandelions which he picks from the grassy knoll outside the Dallas book Depository. As the afternoon nears his wart begins to itch. Scratching it furiously, he is oblivious to everything happening around him. But when the beautiful lady in the pink suit and pill box hat crawls over to him, flustered, and whispers ďThe President has been shotĒ, he grabs her by the hand, to lead her to a bench where she can sit and wait for the men in the white coats. But his mere touch causes the wart to transfer from him to her, and he suddenly morphs into her, and she into him. Laughing like a maniac she lifts the top off the grassy knoll and climbs down the stairs. He follows her and below he finds an alternate underground world all filled with astonishing simulacrums of the Lad,y who salute her-turned-him by waving Sandinista Gerbils in the air and shouting ĎVive la Frommage!

He is hit on the head from behind and later wakens on a cot in a room made of ice. Wickedly thirsty he licks his way out, just to come face to face with his guards who all think he is a beautiful woman. Realizing there is only one part of his anatomy that has not changed, he whips up his dress, drops his panties and takes a huge dump in front of the guards. They are grossed out and their attention drifts so Habib manages to escape through a drain pipe, emerging in a downtown Green Bay Wisconsin Gay Pride March.
He thinks he is home free, but later, in the apartment of one of his new friends Habib recognizes the gerbil in the cage as one of the Sandinista rebels. What is worse, the gerbil recognizes him.

What is the meaning of the Kremlin? Why are there gerbils in Texas and how do they fit with the Greeks? Who is the mysterious Volgan corpse and why would a lady wear a pillbox hat anyway? These are the questions the re-formed OSS has for the South African amber counterfeiters.

But where is the wart and how does it know about Crab Salad?

Youíll never know unless you publish my book.

Wire 200,000,000,000 Krygz Tenges to the address that the man dressed like a lime in your lobby will give you. Once receipt is confirmed, Iíll send you the 493,000 word manuscript and the 569,013 word screenplay.

aadams73
09-16-2006, 02:48 AM
Dear Agents Name Spelled Correctly,

Me and Karl and the boys were sittin' round chewin' the fat the other night on the ranch and somethin' really weird happened. It was like somethin' popped into my head like a nuc...nuculah...nucular! explosion. It never happened to me before. Karl said I was having an original thought and then he gave me another beer and told me to suck it down quick before it happened again. Hehehe, he is such a joker.

Anyway, here's my idea. its for a book called The President and the Evil Muslim Dictator. It's about a handsome charismatic American president who goes to war to fight the war on terra! against an evil non-christian guy with a tea-towel on his head. See, them evil mus..mus...oh heck, colored sand-loving folks, see, they want kill our 'merican way of life. And this president, well, he doesn't like that, so he lies..uh...tells the public that y'all gotta get over there and kick some sandy hiney. And in the end the handsome charismatic president wins the war on terra! and sends the moz..miz..mos..sandy colored folks back to where they came from!

It's gonna be a bestseller!

Gotta go, Karl and Dick want me to do that pretzel trick again.

Oh, If you don't accept me I'll make sure the IRS audits you every year for the rest of you life!

Signed, Georgie, the Pres of you-know-where.

persiphone_hellecat
09-16-2006, 11:23 AM
Hey Daddy Agent!

Remember me? Your daughter Sara (the H stands for I Hate you). I've been busy with Ann Rice (minus the E the E stands for shE hatEs you too) Anyway, I had my laptop with me when Guido picked me and Jonny up and guess what? I've been writing! Im working on my first book - a Fresh Prince of Bel Air fan fiction work called Will Needs to Chill. It's all about how Uncle Phillip finally decides to kick Will and Carlton out of the pool house and rent it out to someone with real money. Will ends up working as a medical assistant for Dr. Huxtable and Carlton runs a dry cleaners for the Jeffersons.

As you can see, we are watching a lot of TV here. Know why? BECAUSE WE ARE KIDNAPPED!! There is no pool here or anything. Just crappy Nick at Night reruns.

So why don't you be a nice Daddy and publish Ann's book so Jonny and I can come home and add the H's back to our name? Killer wants to come home, too. All Guido feeds us is spaghetti and meatballs.

Publish the book Daddy. Publish mine, too, it's really funny. Wait till you read the part about how Hillary marries JJ from Good Times and moves to the projects. And that other sister - the cute one - she ends up replacing Star Jones on The View.

Do it soon, Daddy, I hate spaghetti and meatballs. And I hate you too.

Your KIDNAPPED daughter,
Sara (no H - the H stands for I still Hate you)

Soccer Mom
09-19-2006, 06:38 AM
My heavens I have been remiss in doleing out awards! Jaycinth winds hands down for most unusual query and title with a non-sequitor for CRAB SALAD!

Best fanfic masquerading as a fresh idea goes to Patti for Spongepete Potatopants.

Best Nonfiction title goes to aadams for Kevin Federline, It's Hard Out Herre for a Sponge

Best Fantasy title goes to myself for Angeldemons of The Whitedrake Magickal Land of Soultears.


Best memoir title and the coveted (?) best title award goes to Deb M for To Live Wild and Free Once Again And How To Watch Out For Those Horney Jungle Women .

DamaNegra
09-21-2006, 05:51 AM
Dear Agent:

I just finished my fiction novel, Lived Lived and then Just Died at 860,000 words.

Lived Lived and then Just Died is a word of suspense, thrill, action, romance and the ocasional vampire. Lived Lived and then Just Died will be the next best seller. People will be talking about Lived Lived and then Just Died for the next lots of years. Lived Lived and then Just Died will be the next great classic, shelved next to Julius Berne and Aristotles. Lived Lived and then Just Died will leave readers shocked, ,wanting for more. Lived Lived and then Just Died is just.... Lived Lived and then Just Died.

I hope you'll notice the great potential of Lived Lived and then Just Died. You won't regret represeting Lived Lived and then Just Died, since Lived Lived and then Just Died will be the next big thing.

I'm looking forward to hearing your reply on Lived Lived and then Just Died.

Sincerely,
Lived Lived and then Just Died's author.

Soccer Mom
09-21-2006, 06:51 AM
So anyway, the Mage Prince goes to the Bogs of Smokydark and it's like all spooky and scary and he hears a Voice from the Magickal Mountains of Order and TO BE CONTINUED...

Bestest Agent Evah! It's me again. I've finished the second book in the Angeldemon Trilogy. I call this one Angeldemons and the Despairing Bogs of Smokydark Echos from Eternity. This one is much shorter than the first one, like maybe only 800K. Pretty good, right? Okay, so the voice the Mage Prince hears turns out to be Wise Woman named Shanar'ai'lanai'anananai. See she knows that he's looking for the Ring of Lovelythoughts, but that ring isn't in the Despairing Bogs of Smokydark anymore. It's in the Magickal Mountains of Order and his friend the Warrior Princess El'Anaiaia'shanar'ananananai has it. He needs to get out of the Bog place cause there are Soulmunchers there and they like nothing better than tasty Mage Prince morsels.

So the Mage Prince tries to leave, but the Angeldemon's twin brother named Kan'ai'laid-ananananai shows up and wants to fight him and so they fight with these swords for a while until they get tired and then the Mage Prince remembers that he knows magick and just banishes Kan'ai'laid-ananananai.

So the talking duck shows up and they leave the Bogs and journey across the Plains of Infinite Crystallove and Purity. The duck eats this weird grain and blows up to be as big as a dragon and breath fire like a dragon, only he's not a dragon. He's a talking duck that looks and acts like a dragon. So the Mage Prince and duck-dragon thingy fly across the plains but there is this Giantess who wants to keep the duck-dragon and she gets the Mage Prince drunk, but he uses some magickal spells to get away and then they fly off again.

So now they reach the Cave of Immortal Porpoises and go in and fall asleep and the duck-dragon thingy wakes up and has forgotten why he's there so he flies away and when the Mage Prince wakes up he remembers that he forgot about his Angeldemon Princess that he was so in love with in the first book. (I can't remember her name. That was like, a long time ago that I wrote that okay?)

So he can't remember anything that happened in the last year, but this shiny pink Faerie named Tinter'in'abinainananannai show's up and tells him it's like an Enchanted Cave of Forgetfulness and all he can remember is his One True Love, but nothing else. If he wants to get his memory back, he's got to find the Silvertone Goblet of Reclaiming from the Lost Island of Volcanic Terrors.

TO Be Continued...

Oh, by the way. Double check the address. I haven't gotten any of the checks from the first book, but I write for the art anyway so it's cool.

Hugs, Del Lusional

persiphone_hellecat
09-25-2006, 09:11 PM
Yo Yo Daddy O

It's me - Jonny your son -- now known as Grand Master Jay - the artist formerly known as ~ ... They don't have too many symbols on the keyboard to choose from so I picked ~ cos its the coolest one.

Sara says hi ... Still no H - we still hate you ... No contracts have arrived here from you yet. We're still eating spaghetti o's and frozen pizza here with Guido and Ann Rice (the one with no E - the E stands for "Extra Cheese")

So like Sara wrote you about that goofy fanfic stuff she is writing. No listen to a REAL book idea. I 've been working on a new book called "The Day They Whacked Tupac" ... It's 750 pages, all written in rap.

Here's a little sample ...

I was in jail
When I heard a loud wail
All the brothers were cryin
Cos Tupac was dyin

They did it man,
They really got him
Someone had a plan
And they really shot him.

Like it? It's all that way,Daddy O -- rap -- the language of the street. I was thinking you could put out the book and include an audio CD to go along with it. Wouldnt it be cool if William Shatner recorded it? He would be great doing rap.

Daddy O you and your b!tch secretary better start
Writing up some contracts if you still have a heart
Otherwise you aint seein me or my sister
I'm kinda wondering if you and mom missed her

Good aint I? Send a contract. Call William Shatner. See when he is free.

Your kidnapped son,

Grand Master Jay aka the artist formerly known as ~

PS Ann Rice (the one with no E - E stands for Excellent Rapper) says hi....

Jaycinth
09-26-2006, 11:03 PM
Dear Hollywood Producer,

Iíve decided that you will have the first option on my first screenplay, wittily titled ĎPut Out The Catí. The title may not say a lot but youíll be thrilled when you read the treatment below:


Itís a laugh a minuet when little Tommy Tyler hops on his tricycle and joins his friends for a hilarious romp as the cul-de Ėsac in which he lives is accidentally turned into a thouroghfare for Wednesday morning rush hour traffic.

Mr. Neville, the neighborhood drunk, stumbled home late the night before, moving a series of traffic cones that got in his way. When at 6 am, the 18 wheeler belonging to the local bakery chain follows the cones through Mrs. Buggerbunís prize winning garden, retaining wall and onto the freeway beyond, the rest of the morning traffic follows. As Mrs Buggerbun yells in disbelief, and the rest of the neighborhood goggles, five year old Tommy and his mad cap friends, the Quinn twins, Tula and Lula, ĎDippyí Ed, Pepper, Dusty and Wallace the humpbacked llama, see an opportunity for fun.
They Ďborrowí Mrs Buggerbunís coffee maker and prepare to sell free refills, but they realize they have no coffee so they borrow a can from the Twinís older brother Lewis, and brew up a pot of Ďhigh testí, which turns out to be Lewisís 10 lb stash of opiated hashish.

Traffic backs up for miles as the motorists stop to enjoy the day, and the view as the lithesome Mrs. Buggerbun runs frantically around the yard in her white gauze thong and pom pom top yelling at the traffic. In the meantime Lewis wakes up and discovers his hashish gone. Running from the house he comes face to face with Officer Lofficer, who is trying to direct traffic around the Buggerbunís pool. As the day wears on, the coffee pot develops a big crack, but the kids devise another way to make money. Noticing the yard tools scattered across the Buggerbunís lawn, they create a carnival using all the hoeís and spades, and leave Wallace there with the coffee pot. They make a sign and tape it to the sign at the end of the cul de sac. But alas, the little kids cannot spell so the sign says :Carnal! Spades see the Buggerbunís Crack. Coffee, Llama and Hoís on the grass. 25 Cents.

Meanwhile, as Mr Buggerbuns is trying to get home to stop the madness, he runs into an old college buddy, Bobby Hotts, who he knows has made a fortune in Las Vegas. They share a cab, each surprised that the other is going to the same place. After negotiating the traffic and finally abandoning the cab, both Mr Buggerbums and Bobby Hotts arrive on the Buggerbuns front lawn. Bobby thinking heís come to rescue his hoís from a Llama, and Mr Buggerbun hoping to rescue his wife from the swimming pool. But Officer Lofficer is on top of the situation, and fortified by 10 cups of the Ďcoffeeí he is frantically trying to rescue Mrs Buggerbunís from the white fuzzy creatures he sees attacking her.

Finally Mr Tyler comes home and scolds his mischevious son, sending the friends and the Llama home.

In the final scene Tommy Tyler eats a big forkful of his momís apple pie, grins intothe camera and says ďGee mom, this is swell!Ē

Now I understand that you are a professional but I have suggestions for who needs to play the parts.

Obviously Bernie Mac will be the Llama, and you should seriously consider Keifer Sutherland for the part of Lewis Quinn. Officer Lofficer will be played by Aaron Carter, and of course Kiera Knightly will be Tommy Tylerís mom.

This little screenplay would be perfect for a movie that will later be turned into a TV sit Com. I can tell you now, it will run for 15 seasons. And Iíve scripted them all. Iíve included the one where Tyler and the Llama go to Cal Tech.

Once youíve paid me for this Iíll send you my script for a nuclear thriller "Your IN Nation.Ē

Sincerely
T. Best Writer.

sammyig
10-26-2006, 10:11 PM
Dear the most fabulous fantastic agent in the whole entire world...

I want you to present my new novel, complete at 1500 words, to big publisher people because I know its going tobe a best seller. Why? you ask? because Iam a very well respected FaNFiC author. I have well over 500 reviews on fanfiction sites and everybody just loves my stories. Especially my Harry/Draco slash stories *wink* *wink*

My book is called "Pointe Shoe massacre". Its about a ballet dancing psycho that kills people by beating them in the head with her pointe shoes. great idea isn't it? *punches self in the arm*

The Rooney literary agency has already said they were interested, but I wanna go with a big name like you. I posted the first 300 words on my blog, so you can see how creative I am! pointeshoenazi.livejournal.com

See Yas!
Your groveling slave

Jack_Roberts
10-27-2006, 05:12 PM
Dear Agent,

Hello. I think you'll represent me. You like pizza, I like pizza. Your pizza was delivered at 6 pm last night. I know it wuz. What did you have on your pizza?

On my pizza I have... red things. Thats what my novel is about. Tasty Pizza is my 90,000 word novel about how I make my pizzas. It's about how I FIND my ingreedyaunts for my pizza. It's about WHO I find for my pizza.

I like the pain job you did on your house last week. I Like the color of your little girls tricycle. I like alot of things.

YOU'LL like my book.

Franken Nuts

Jack_Roberts
10-27-2006, 05:17 PM
Deer Miss Ajnt

Mwy nme is bobbY. cN U Make my bwook? I wote it in blew craon cuz i wike blew. Itz abot my dog Ruff. He pees alot on daddy an daddy yells. It funy.

Plweeze mak my bok.

bobby

ps dont make my sistrs bok. she gonna wrte u. tell her no. it sissy stuff.

Jack_Roberts
10-27-2006, 07:44 PM
Please help me,

I need you to represent me. Please don't take too long to respond to this email. Soon 'it' will happen and I'll do those horrible things again.

You've got to get my story out. Before it's too late. It's a true story. I scrawled it on the pages with whatever I could find at the time. Some days I would wake up and all I had was the blood on my fingers and skin. Other people's blood.
Please get my story out. Please.
They've got to know. They've GOT TO!
Oh no. NO!
The moon. It's full agaaaaaARRRGGHH!

ARRROOOOOOOOOO!

Provrb1810meggy
10-27-2006, 07:53 PM
Dear Agent,

Xuse mi bad English. Sorry if ich slip to Deustch. Me wants uu to represent meine storie bout girl heiBt Hannelore. Hannelore schwimmt gern im Sommer. Sie schwimmt schnell, und the shark a bit ihr. Das ist a problem, aber Hannelore ist intelligent. DANKA, HERR FRUGEL ist a novel bout' her recovery with help from her Deustchlehrer, Herr Frugel.

Danka sehr for this opportunity! Ich hope you're not a Dieb. It's meine!

Sincerly,
Heidi

J. Weiland
10-27-2006, 09:02 PM
Dear Agent,

Xuse mi bad English. Sorry if ich slip to Deustch. Me wants uu to represent meine storie bout girl heiBt Hannelore. Hannelore schwimmt gern im Sommer. Sie schwimmt schnell, und the shark a bit ihr. Das ist a problem, aber Hannelore ist intelligent. DANKA, HERR FRUGEL ist a novel bout' her recovery with help from her Deustchlehrer, Herr Frugel.

Danka sehr for this opportunity! Ich hope you're not a Dieb. It's meine!

Sincerly,
Heidi

Dear Heidi,

I am sorry, but the era when shark attack stories were new and interesting to the public has passed. I wish you all the best of luck in your future career.

, Agent X

Jack_Roberts
10-28-2006, 09:18 AM
Dear agent,

You never replied. Then you sent those cops across the street. Yes. I know it was you. I have your phone calls on tape. I have EVERYTHING you do on tape.

Tasty Pizza is a great novel. Should I give you a few passages from it? Should I demostrate some passages from it?

Agree to represent me, agent. Agree or you'll taste some 'pizza'.

Your neighbor.

F. Nuts

By the way. The cops wont find me across the street no more. I have a new home.
I like it here. I feel so close to you now.
Neighbor.

Roomie.

Provrb1810meggy
10-28-2006, 06:36 PM
Dear Agent X,

Shark attack stories ist Spitze!! Ich wohne in Deustchland und shark storie poopular. Heer wound ist hasslich. Don't du want to read? Bitte! Nevmind, Agent X ist dof. DOF!

Sincerly,
Heidi

DeborahM
10-31-2006, 02:24 AM
My Dear Agent Ima,

Iímmmm bacckkk! Yep, itís me, ole Burney!

While in Africa, I was able to escape from one tribe and was captured by another. It seemed like an endless cycle. When I was finally found, I thought I heard him say his name was Livingston and knew I was dead for sure now. But he turned out not to be as lost as I thought.

Then, we took a long walk and finally arrived into civilization. When I walked into the U.S. Embassy, I was handed my mail they were holding for me. Would believe I got a Dear Burney letter from Sara? Sheís now going with one of the paramedics that stood laughing at me when I was stuck to the linoleum that day! Then, to add insult to injury, I got a past due notice from EMS for that day!

Right now, Iím writing you this letter on the first leg of my plane trip back home. I overheard a couple talking about a club you could join on the plane, so I asked a real pretty woman, if she would like to join the club with me. I woke to find the captain trying to set me back into my seat then he informed me, if I didnít mind my own business heíd have me arrested! Now Iíll never know what the club is about and how to join it. When I get back, would you like to join the club with me? Iíll pay.

Iím back again. I had to change planes in London, which was a mistake. I ended up at the wrong gate and the plane took off without me. While I was grounded, I tried to strike up a conversation, at a little cafť on the second floor, with another pretty lady and asked her about the club. Now, Iím in the hospital with a broken leg because when she hit me with her purse, the force sent me flying out of my chair and over the railing, where my foot fortunately got caught into the railing. But unfortunately, I was dangling over the other side of the railing looking down at the people below me and was left precariously hanging there until guards took pity on me and pulled me up.

It gets worse, believe it or not. I shook hands with the man in the bed next to me after he came in and now have a horrendous case of poison oak on my nether regions. I wonder if Iím going to make it back home alive or be buried out of the country. Iím afraid of what else can happen to me. Iíll write more later.

Well, that didnít take long. I now have the answer to that question. A little elderly PT nurse came in to make me get up and walk around the hallway to get used to this cast. By the time they untangled us, she and I both had broken arms and the hospital administration has decided to give me my own room, for their safety sake they said along with a big brute of a PT nurse. Now I know Iím in trouble because he took up the whole doorway when he walked into the room.

Iím on the plane home and just come from joining the club. Wow! Was that funÖat first! Suzie was the one who initiated the invitation, which I of course accepted. We are in the small bathroom and fumble around taking our clothes off. Suzie is busy with me when the plane takes a dramatic drop. Yes, my eyes watered and fortunately, she persisted in trying again. When we were really going at it, the turbulence started and the plane began, itís bouncing up and down, which finished me right then and there. Suzie and I were seeing stars, trying to get dressed while the steward was knocking on the door, to check on us because of the noise we were making, when the plane took another drop. She ended up with her foot in the toilet as I tripped and hit the flush button, spraying us both with the blue water.

Of course, we couldnít wash it out no matter how much rinsing we did. When we emerged from the bathroom, there stood the steward giving us his sour look, while the cabin broke out into laughter at hearing us the whole time and seeing us covered in blue toilet water.

But the good news is, the woman next to me sweetly and quickly gave up her seat for Suzie to sit in and we have gotten to talk and I have found out sheís just as clumsy as me!

Iíll write more later after I have put this into a manuscript, which Iím thinking about naming, From the Wilds of Africa to the Arms of My Blue Lady.

Burney Hodcloffer

AnnieColleen
11-02-2006, 08:30 AM
Dear Fab Agent,

Did you ever dream about saving Halloween? Sammie Jo did, literally!! (Thatís how the story starts.) After she waks up, and brushes her teeth and eats a good healthy breakfast and all the other dreary things kids have to do, haha, Halloween Fireworks follows two of the cutest ToTers ever (guess whoís kids they are!) as they rush about town gathering goodies and learning about everybodyís favorite holiday. But, itís scary out there!! Fortunately a magic gem falls into Sammieís plastic pumpkin to save the day, um, the night.

The illustrations are custom-drawn in puff paint and glitter, they capture perfectly the carefree flamboyant spirit of everyoneís favorite holiday. I am sending you the original illustrations so you can see the full effect. Iíve added the test as it should be layed out on the final page. Theyíre in crayon to better go along with the childish voice.

There are 10,973 words, so this should be right up there for the picture book market. It could even be abridged for the board book set. And it would make a great cartoon!

You can call me any day this eek (ha ha!) at 618-9487. Thanks so much, love your work!

Love,
Fab Author (hey we match, isnít that cool!)

p.s. Ė Iím enclosing a snapshot of the girls so you can see what they look like. They get to see their names in print, theyíre so excited!!

Jack_Roberts
11-02-2006, 05:55 PM
Rrr gent,

Rrrrrrrr RUFF! RUFF RUFF RUFF! Rrrrrruuurr! Rrrrrr 101 WAYS TO WALK HUMANS rrrrruuff! Rrrruuuuhh! Ruh ruh riff!

RUFF RUFF RUFF!

Rrrrhh
Boxer

Jack_Roberts
11-07-2006, 09:05 PM
HEY AAAAAGGENT!

Ah jus wan t’ tell ya ‘bout ma book. Its ‘bout my sheep, Jess. She sur is purty! I wote about ‘er and me an’ all th stuff we do. I called it HELPIN OVER TH FENCE, a tru storie. I recon your gonna wan t buy it.
I hope y’all git in toch wit me.

Hickly
Ma’s farm

Celia Cyanide
12-28-2006, 01:39 AM
Dear Agent,

I had a boyfriend, but he broke up with me. It sucked. I wrote a whole book about how much it sucked. I think people will like to read my memoir, because I had such a hard time, but now I feel better.

Do you know what he did after we broke up? I saw him at this party, and he asked me to call him, and I did, just because I thought it would be a nice thing to do, not because I wanted to talk to him. And he was nice at first, and then he starts telling me all the stuff he don't like about me! I think he didn't really want to talk to me, he just wanted to tell me all of that stuff, so he tricked me into calling him! Then later, he told me to call him, and I said no way, and he got mad! Can you believe that? Like I really going to call him after he said such mean stuff last time!

That is just the tip of the iceberg. In the chapter, "the second time I got mad," I will tell you all about how he never gave me my friend Jordan's phone messages cuz he jealous. But I think the best part is in the chapter, "Neglected," when he got me a CD I already had for my birthday.

You should totally publish my memoir, because I went through a really hard time, and I survived and I deserve it. I think it should be a movie, with Kate Hudson playing me, and her singing, "I Will Survive" at karaoke on the end. Or would that be too cheesy? Anyway, we'll talk about that later.

Yours Truly,

Katie X

Provrb1810meggy
12-28-2006, 02:10 AM
Dear Agent Supremo,

I'm a superhero. Call me Super Kitty. Meow. Meow. Meow. Read about me and my adventures in my 10,000 word novel, THE ADVENTURES OF SUPER KITTY. It's about how I face this mysterious evil organization of dogs who want to dominate the world, cuz they're just super mean like that. DOGS ARE ICKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I heard you had a dog, and dogs are in my book, so I thought you'd like my novel.

It's for the audience of cats, like you know, people who read to their cats. It's a pretty humungous niche. HECK YAY!

Sincerely,
Super Kitty

Celia Cyanide
12-28-2006, 02:42 AM
Dear Super Kitty,

I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass. I have never received a submission from a real superhero before. The underling who brought me the query was very excited. Unfortunately, I am a dog person, as you well know, and I cannot publish a book about a superhero who wants to kick my dog's ass. I wish you luck in placing your manuscript with some bitchy, snotty cat loving agent who prefers aloof feline pets who eat the food you put down and then hide in the clothes hamper for 3 days over genuine, affectionate dogs.

Sincerely,

Agent

endless
12-28-2006, 04:11 AM
deer misster agend,
wud you do my boog whe I rits it?
yer frend,
me

Provrb1810meggy
12-28-2006, 05:41 AM
Dear Agent,

GAH! Super Kitty is here to say, dogs are poo-y. Poo-y. They just poop in lawns. All the time it's like, BARK! BARK! BARK! I don't know how to go in a litterbox. They're evil, and Super Kitty will surely decimate your dog in due time, unless I haven't already.

Muhahahaha.

Go me. I'm a superhero. Your dog's a villain. I'm gonna kick butt.

And oh yeah, THE ADVENTURES OF SUPER KITTY is so gonna be the best selling book ever, cuz who doesn't like to read about me and my cattiness? Ha, get it, catiness! Oh yeah, that's the type of meow-ing wit your missing out on.

Sincerely,
Super Kitty

Celia Cyanide
12-28-2006, 09:44 AM
Dear Super Kitty:

If dogs are so evil, why do they always come when you call them, while cats turn up their tales at you and walk away? Why do cats even have names, anyway? They never respond to them. And what is up with the way they sit on their lazy asses all day, and then suddenly get up and run out of the room? Like, "oh, my gosh, I'm a cat, I have a schedule! I was supposed to be sitting on my lazy ass in the bedroom about 15 minutes ago!"

If dogs are evil, then why are cats the ones who rub up against you when you're trying to walk so that they can try and trip you? And don't even think about telling me they are being affectionate, because they are never affectionate at any other time but when I am trying to walk. They never socialize. What are they plotting all damn day? And if you say anything but "world domination," you're a liar.

I apologize for the use of this form letter, but the volume of "dogs are evil" letters I receive is so high that I cannot possibly respond to each one personally.

Yours Truly,
Agent

Provrb1810meggy
12-28-2006, 10:02 PM
Dear Agent,

BACKFLIPS: THE BARNEY HOOLIGAN STORY is a 50,000 word memoir about my experience as a gymnast and the challenges I faced. I received a lot of discrimination in the gymnast world, because my inability to do blackflips. This story is one of growth, self development, perseverence, persecution, first love, laughter, and of course, the dreams inside of all of us. This story is a riveting adventure, one you'll never be able to put down. It'll make you sob as you sympathize with me. It'll make you giggle as I tell you of my embarrassing attempts at winning over the girl of my dreams. It'll make you smile and glow as I tell my story with such exuberance!

My mother said, "Everything in this memoir is one hundred percent true. Believe me! He is no James Frey."

My best friend Elliot said, "This was frikkin' amazing. I don't even see how someone could write a 50,000 word book. That in itself is like amazing, but the fact that it's good, wow, that just blows me away."

My favorite review was one from my current girlfriend. "This book touched me so deeply. I'll never be the same again."

If you're looking for a memoir that packs a punch, BACKFLIPS: THE BARNEY HOOLIGAN STORY is for you. The manuscript is available upon request.

Sincerely,
Barney Hooligan

Celia Cyanide
12-28-2006, 11:05 PM
Dear Barney Hooligan:

Thank you for your query letter. I would like to request a partial. I think your manuscript would be a good fit over at My Mom Thinks I Write Good Books. I must ask, however, do you have any brothers or sisters? A quote from a kid sister always looks good on the front cover.

Sincerely,
My mom's favorite agent

Provrb1810meggy
12-29-2006, 01:31 AM
Dear My Mom's Favorite Agent,

Oh, of course! My kid sister, aged 4 1/2, read my book, and she had this to say. "I couldn't understand most of the words, but it was really good anyway. Super duper good, better than Sesame Street!" And believe me, she is one fierce critic.

I am very excited. My Mom Thinks I Write Good Books is my favorite publisher, besides I Think My Life Is Interesting Enough For A Memoir, But Isn't Publishing Company.

Attached is the whole book. I know you said partial, but I just know you'll love the entire thing! You'll surely read it in one sitting.

Sincerely,
Barney Hooligan

jsh
01-04-2007, 02:55 AM
Siró

Hip-hop has become a cultural phenom of significant import in recent times, and yet it hasn't meaninfully impacted literature. I have founded a new form of literary art which follows the lessons inferred by hip-hop music. As you may have implied by now, what I'm talking of is written equivient of the hip-hop DJ, I'm talking about prose sampling.

My novel "A Fistful of X" is comprised of passages from other stories, arranged and intertwined with my own meta-proze to create an ecclecctic mix of styles and methods that make one unified hole. In my novel I sample from Melville, Chauser, Hemmingway, Pallichuknic, King, and many other great writers. By mashing up passages, sometimes mere words, some times whole chapters, I've created a ground breaking tail of a girl who looses her body at an underground rave and must travel the world in a concerted effort to find it.

Here's how it starts: "Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stair head, and Ther was also a Nonne, a PRIORESSE That of hir smylyng was ful symple and coy, and they danced to the banging base, eye-deep in the foam on the dancefloor."

Can you see how I woven Joice, Chaussor, and my own prose?! THAT'S HIP-HOP LIT, BEEEYOTCH!

I'm free for interviews and book signings any time, but I need advance notice so that I can keep my probation officer tuned in to my publicity moves. Please contact me ASAP; I can't waite to get started on this project.

Cincerely, yo,

óMr. Writer Guy

Celia Cyanide
01-07-2007, 06:21 AM
Dear Mr. Writer Guy:

Thank you for sending me your query letter. Unfortunately, (well, for you, anyway) I have to pass. You see, I spilled my coffee all over my newspaper this morning, and I am in a bad mood. I'm afraid the only way I can snap out of it is to reject some poor would-be author. It's just the luck of the draw, man. You just caught me on a bad day. If only you had left the zip code off the envelope, or ran out of stamps the day you tried to send it out, things might have been different. But sadly, it was not to be. I wish you luck in placing your manuscript. For all I know, it could be really good. I wouldn't know, because, sadly, I am too peeved to even read your query.

Sincerely,

Ms. Agent Girl

C.bronco
01-07-2007, 06:52 AM
Dear Agent:

Congratulations! I have chosen you as the best agent to represent my comedic fiction novel, Hot Mamas in Space. It is set in New York, which means you will understand all of the references and accents (I wrote the dialog phonetically). I myself visited New York when I was twelve, and soaked up every aspect of the city.

My main character is Ivanka, a thirty-something single girl living amongst the proletariat. She has lovely natural blonde hair, and a fabulous shoe collection. Hilarity ensues when she learns she must rescue the seventh seal from a gritty and sarcastic Venutian (that's from Venus, not Venice). There is no real conflict nor antagonist in this fiction novel, which, I believe, sets it apart from all of the tripe that gets published in this era. Instead, the book is a celebration of the collective soul. As Ivanka and Erqdszitz fall in love, their differences melt away. And here's the twist: Ivanka does not learn until the last chpater whether Erqdszitz is male or female! I won't give it away here. You'll have to read the manuscript to find out. Likewise, only by finishing the novel will you uncover The Meaning of Life. To enhance the prose, I wrote it entirely in iambic pentameter.

I've researched your website, and am glad that you hold degrees from Highbrow College and Overpriced University. That assures me you have the mental capacity to appreciate my masterly prose.

Please forward you home phone number to me. I know that you will want to work out the details as quickly as possible, and I don't feel like waiting until tomorrow.

Sincerely,
The extraordinary C.bronco

jsh
01-07-2007, 07:16 AM
Dear Mr. Writer Guy:

Thank you for sending me your query letter. ...

Sincerely,

Ms. Agent Girl
I thought for sure the plagarism would get me rejected. Yet, it came town to spilled coffee. So close, yet so far! ^_^

Provrb1810meggy
01-09-2007, 01:28 AM
Dear Agent,

Huffleoyanaspikillyta is a humble boy of thirteen, living in the country with like minded, simple folk. One day, he is enlisted to join the order of Bedi, who keep the Shove in balance. As part of his Bedi training, he must destroy a bracelet and fight evil lord, Karkaloffimuggus, a teacher at the renowned Togwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy.

There, Huffleo (that's his nickname), falls in love with Queen Panama of the planetarium. Apparantly, Panama is in danger; another bracelet is destroying her very way of life. In order to save her, he tries to learn dance moves from Karkaloffimuggus, but in the end, the dance move keep the bracelets alive and kill Panama.

HUFFLEO: THE BRACELET STRIKES BACK is an original, creative masterpeice. Every sentence comes from my noggin. You'll never read anything quite like this novel, ever!

The two ton manuscript can be sent upon request, but not via mail. It needs to take a truck there, but I'll arrange it. I believe in Huffleo and his story, and I think you will too.

Sincerely,

Darrel Derivative

Celia Cyanide
01-10-2007, 09:30 PM
Dear Darrel Derivitive:

Thank you for your query letter. I see you did your research, and learned that our agency specializes in coattail novels. My most successful was the Mary Kotter series, about a young girl who goes to a school for Chaos Magicians. Unfortunately, I have to pass. You see, coattail novels need to be published during the success of the novel they are similar too if they are to succeed themselves. Wasn't that Rings trilogy published back in the 80's or something? Maybe you could write a book about a link between Pablo Picasso and the decendants of Buddha or something.

Sincerely,
Agent

giftedrhonda
01-10-2007, 09:34 PM
Dear Mr. Agent,

Have you ever wanted to cry? I mean really, really cry?

Well, you must read my novel. Children die, goats get eaten, people get brain aneurisms, and Johnny learns at the end that true love conquers all.

A Sad Day for Children and Goats is my fiction novel, which is 25,000 words. Seriously, my mom read it, and she bawled like a baby. She even offered to give a quote on the cover when it gets published.

I'm too broke to mail it to you, so can I email it instead?

Sincerely,

A. Writer

Celia Cyanide
01-11-2007, 04:16 AM
Dear Awful Writer (I'm taking liberties, but isn't that what the A stands for?):

Thank you for your query, but I'm going to have to say no this time. I get inundated with manuscripts every day, and nearly all of them bring tears to my eyes.

Sincerely,

Agent

C.bronco
01-11-2007, 04:30 AM
Dear Agent,

I did a lot of research, and visited your website. The books you've sold so far suck in a major way, so you'll be glad I'm sending you You Can't Say Goodbye Forever After You Lose Your Limbs. It's not a memoir, but it's based entirely on what my life would have been like if I had lost my limbs in a ski accident that, in reality, my parents wouldn't let me go on when I was in High School. In that way, It's just like historical fiction, so let's call it that.

I write really well, and make greeting cards for all of my friends and family. Sometimes they pay for them. I hope you like to Barbie limbs I enclosed to help you remember me and the plight I could have suffered, which would make a great made for TV movie starring Hilary Duff or Hilary Clinton. One of the two for sure.

Call me!

endless
01-15-2007, 09:51 AM
Dear Agent,

Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to publish my spy book. The title is secret, so I can't tell it to you. Ditto for the plot.

Thanks.

Yours truly,

I can't tell you my name, or give you my address or phone number.

PS: This letter will self destruct in five seconds. Four. Three. Two. *****

Celia Cyanide
02-13-2007, 01:38 AM
Dear Agent:

I totally did my research, and I know you usually publish novels, but I was wondering if you would like to publish my microfiction. I just don't have the time or the patience to write a whole book, and what the hell are you supposed to do with microfiction? The only places I could find to publish that stuff is in online literary reviews. My grandma doesn't have the internet, so she wouldn't see it if it were published there. (And don't tell anybody this, but I got rejected by all the ones I sent it to.) I want a hardcover copy.

So let me know if you want to request a partial, and I'll send you the first line.

Sincerely,
Miss Microfiction

Soccer Mom
02-13-2007, 02:25 AM
Miss Microfiction,

No,

Agent of Brevity

Provrb1810meggy
02-13-2007, 03:46 AM
Dear Agent,

If you wanna be with me, I can make you dreams come true....

That's what Christina sang, and that's what three year old, JaLorra, said to her boo, Bobby. What was on his girl wish list? No cooties, love of Barney, potty trained, and of course, one hot bod. JaLorra was perfect for him, but soon, he finds out that JaLorra has a secret: she hates tire swings, one of Bobby's passions.

BOBBY AND JALORRA: PRESCHOOLERS IN LOVE AND LUST is a 50,000 word romance novel, filled with steamy scenes and heartwarming confessions of love. It's just the innovative book that market needs.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Totally Clueless

Mae
02-13-2007, 04:15 AM
I have your WIFE

, do you have time to respond to my query now Mr. Smith?


Sincerley,

Your next big contract.

stormie
02-13-2007, 05:32 AM
Dear Agent

Publish America likes my book so-o-o much that they want me to buy 50 or even 100(!!!) of my books to sell. How cool is that??!! So since they like my book, you'll totally love it. Maybe you can help me sell more. We can become partners like. PA is way cool, and I know you'll agree.

I'll call you tomorrow. I'll put you on speaker phone so my whole family can hear me speak with a real, live agent. I'll bet you're just as excited as I am!

limitedtimeauthor
02-13-2007, 06:38 AM
Dear Ms. Editor,

Enclosed you will find a rather entertaining (if I do say so myself) thread from my Internet hangout, Absolute Write forum.

In it you will see that I was appointed Queen of AW during Valentine's week. No one really said as much, but I know it was because I write really good and have quite a following. I'm sure if you ask them, that's what they will tell you.

Now, due to the fact that I have researched this very fully, and I know that some guy's blog was published as a book by somebody, I feel that the time is right for a magazine article consisting of this very entertaining thread.

I am a multi-thread poster at AW and have many Rep points. I think you will find that your readers flock to the stores to buy your magazine if this was made into a cover story. I eagerly await your response! You will see from the enclosed picture that I am wearing a tiara - and this proves the validity of my popularity on AW and around the world.

Very sincerely yours in "the biz",

ltd.

Celia Cyanide
02-13-2007, 07:46 PM
Dear Agent

Publish America likes my book so-o-o much that they want me to buy 50 or even 100(!!!) of my books to sell. How cool is that??!! So since they like my book, you'll totally love it. Maybe you can help me sell more. We can become partners like. PA is way cool, and I know you'll agree.

I'll call you tomorrow. I'll put you on speaker phone so my whole family can hear me speak with a real, live agent. I'll bet you're just as excited as I am!

Dear Writer:

Congratulations! I've decided to give your query the chance it deserves! I think your query will resonate with a publisher. I would be happy to represent you. Please buy 5,000 copies of your book from PA, and send them to me. I will need all 5,000 to shop your book around. Just remember that if I can't place it, it's obviously all your fault and not mine.

I apologize for the use of this form letter, but I can only scam so many would-be authors in one day without getting carpal tunnel. I know it sucks, but a girl's gotta eat, ya know.

Sincerely,

RepresentAmerica

KCH
02-13-2007, 08:25 PM
Dear Everybody on This Thread:

Stop it. Stop it right now. I have enough distraction in my life and too little discipline, and you're just adding to it. I cannot afford to spend my time reading your drivel, hysterical as it is. You're just enabling my task-aversion tendencies, and I would think you'd have more consideration. So either stop it or at least make your posts less entertaining so that I won't read them.

Thank you.

Provrb1810meggy
02-13-2007, 11:34 PM
Dear Wonder Novelist,

At this point, I don't have a request for you, but when it's ready in a few years-Ah, nah, still not requesting!

Sincerely,
Clueless Agent

endless
02-15-2007, 08:42 AM
Dearest Clueless Agent,

I sent you my manuscript about three weeks ago and I haven't heard back from you yet. Can I take this to mean that you are turning down my offer of a free night's use of my body?

Yours truly,

Ms Free F. Ling

Celia Cyanide
02-17-2007, 01:54 AM
Dr Ms Ling,

I'm Gay.

Sincerely,

Mr Agent

Celia Cyanide
02-17-2007, 02:03 AM
Dear Ms Ling:

Call me.

Sincerely,

SammyK

PattiTheWicked
02-17-2007, 02:20 AM
Dear SuperDuper Hotshot Agent,

I am writing to tell you about my awesome novel. It's going to be at least 300,000 words long when I'm done with it, I think... I'm not really sure because I've only got about five pages done right now. Anyway, it's the classic love story: boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back and they fall in love... only in my novel, In Space No One Can Hear You Orgasm, the girl is an alien who is shaped like a toaster!

The boy, young Riff Starbuck lives a sheltered life on a kumquat farm on the far-off planet Blk'sha'raal'frt. He longs for a life of adventure and excitement, so he hops on a cargo transport to the next galaxy. Along the way he is taken prisoner by the Evil Overlord Marth Tater. When Riff escapes in a giant astro-pod, he realizes his escape vessel is piloted by Princess ha-She'gotta'krd of the planet Urp. The Princess is a higher life form, and leader of an alien race which is shaped like toasters.

Of course, Riff must hide his love for the Princess from the rest of the world, because how do you tell your parents you're sleeping with a girl who has two bagel-sized slots on the top of her head?

In the tradition of Romeo and Juliet and Brokeback Mountain, this tale of forbidden love will have you screaming for more. Like I said, it's only five pages long, but I should have it done in a week or two. I'll send you the rest by FedEx; that way you can sign for it so I know you've recieved it.

Love
Geekboy5610

janetbellinger
02-17-2007, 03:14 AM
Dear Ms Agent,
My therapist tells me you are seriously undermining my self confidence. Because of you, I have had to increase my daily antidepressant medication by 100 mg. Don't think you are making it any better by your little "Thanks but I'm afraid we're not the right agent for this," notes. Five times within five months you have turned down my novel, "Have meds, will travel."
I know you think MY WRITING SUCKS AND I"M A LOSER. DON'T TRY TO DENY IT unless you feel submission number six is the winner. The result is in your hands. Do I get fried by ECT because of the effects of your rejections, or do I live a normal, happy life? It's all in your hands, Ms. Editor. What will you do?

Yours manipulatively

J. Writer

Provrb1810meggy
02-17-2007, 03:53 AM
*on sparkly purple paper*

Hey Mr. Hottie Agent, Like, Dude,

Hey, like, wassup? My, like mom and dad, are so, like, uncool, and are totally cutting off my credit cards, cuz like apparantly, they're broke now or whatever, and I need some money to go and buy this coolio dress, so like I decided to write my lifestory, so you can sell it for like tons of cash and I could buy the dress, not to mention some bling bling.

Anyway, like, the story is called I'M MORE POPULAR AND PRETTY THAN YOU, SO DEAL. It's about, like, all those jealous beyotches who don't like me cuz I'm beautiful, and I, like, make fun of their ugly clothing that they got, from, like some cheapo place like Wal-Mart or something. Yeah. And they all wish they had all the guys I had.

I think, like, everyone will, like, want to read this, because, I mean, all those nerds want to be me, I mean, right?

Check ya later,
Princess J

dreamsofnever
02-20-2007, 01:24 AM
Dear agent:
What's up? I'm the next JK Rowling. I've written a book that can appeal to adults and children and has elements of fantasy, science fiction, horror, romance and is a literary novel.

I've already started on the screenplay, and I will happily write the rest of the book once I've gotten my advance. I need enough to quit my job and write full-time, and then I'm sure the surprise ending will be just fantastic.

If you want a writing sample, visit my blog at http://kewlwriter.blogspot.com.

Just remember, you're looking at the next big thing, and I'm offering you the chance to get in on the ground floor!

Forever yours (if you want me),
the next big writer

P.S. I was going to include a SASE but I'm poor. Since you make the big money, I figured you could just pay for your own stamp.

Celia Cyanide
02-20-2007, 02:34 AM
Dear Ms Agent,
My therapist tells me you are seriously undermining my self confidence. Because of you, I have had to increase my daily antidepressant medication by 100 mg. Don't think you are making it any better by your little "Thanks but I'm afraid we're not the right agent for this," notes. Five times within five months you have turned down my novel, "Have meds, will travel."
I know you think MY WRITING SUCKS AND I"M A LOSER. DON'T TRY TO DENY IT unless you feel submission number six is the winner. The result is in your hands. Do I get fried by ECT because of the effects of your rejections, or do I live a normal, happy life? It's all in your hands, Ms. Editor. What will you do?

Yours manipulatively

J. Writer

Dear J. Writer:

I am very sorry to hear about your self esteem problems. I never realized that even a polite rejection could put you over the edge. Maybe someday, if you ever start receiving 20 - 50 letters a day referring to you as a complete idiot who wouldn't recognize true literary genius if it jumped up and bit you on the ass, you'll know how I feel.

Sincerely,
Agent

moth
02-23-2007, 04:59 PM
Dear Agent,

I hope you're not allergic to perfume..see, I read online that agents don't like query letters that smell like smoke (See! I do my homework!) and I've had a two-pack-a-day habit for years. So as soon as I finish writing this I'm going to get my mother's atomizer and spritz this baby up so it smells good for you.

So if you'd like to represent me, please call me. Tell me what you want me to write and I'll write it, and then you can sell it for me. (See, I know how this business works! I know an agent is different than a publisher!)

Have a good day, and call me soon!

Your future client,
Cloo Less

P.S. I just spritzed it, but I think I did too much. Sorry this dried all wrinkly. But it smells good, doesn't it?

moth
02-24-2007, 12:25 AM
Dear Agent,

CANDLES AND HAIRSPRAY is a 99,000 word dark-humor murder-mystery novel. Three guesses what the plot is (wink wink).

So call me and let's talk shop! I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
B. Hive

endless
02-24-2007, 11:16 AM
Dear Mr. Agent (cc to Mr. SammyK)

Now, now, boys. Get in line, but first you've got to publish my book, like good little fellows. The first one to do so, gets to tie me up to the bedposts and I'll let him wear the chaps.

Yours ever so truly,

Ms. Free F. Ling

Pagey's_Girl
03-13-2007, 05:39 PM
Dear Mr./Mrs/Miss/Whatever Agent:

I have like writtent he best book in the history of literature, and I know that when you like read it you're going to really really want it and all because it's like so incredible that everyone's going to want to read it. It's about this really wild handsome rock star, and he like falls in love with this girl, only like her father is like ar eally evil preacher man and all and he like won't let them be together, so they like have to sneak around but then he like finds them doing it and all and he's going to like make her go into one of those nun places where nuns live but like her boyfriend is really brave and he comes looking for her and like finds her and takes her away and they like get married and live happily ever after. It's like really cool.

Let me know how much money I'm like gonna get for it and all.

Pagey

~*~

Perfecting the fine art of textural spew since she learned to type more than 5 wpm. :)

moth
03-29-2007, 03:00 AM
Dear Agent:

I'm seeking representation for my 100,000 word thriller, A THRILL A MINUTE.

Jon Jonson has a problem. He encounters many obstacles to this problem in his many attempts to solve it before time runs out. He does many interesting things and encounters many interesting people along the way, but still the odds against him get worse and worse and worse. In the end, only one question remains: can he solve his pressing problem?

A THRILL A MINUTE explores themes of right and wrong, good and evil, and morality. The book is far from dull and uppity, though. There are many moments of humor, and the plot is fast-paced and interesting.

Thank you for your time. The completed manuscript is ready for submission. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Sam Snore

---------
This one was inspired by one of my very very very early query drafts, before I'd finished the book and well before I joined AW. I could not believe how much boring stuff, lack of detail, and 'many's and 'interesting's were in there! And I actually did just flat-out say the book was funny, instead of showing it in the tone. I seriously thought that was a good attempt at a query letter. :ROFL:Thank heavens that one'll never see the light of day.

THANK YOU AW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :Hug2:

Provrb1810meggy
03-29-2007, 04:01 AM
Dear Agent:

If your best friend ate too much chocolate and was starting to get hippy, would you tell her or would you keep your mouth shut?

My 20,000 word memoir, STOPPING SARAH FROM BEING FAT ENOUGH FOR FAT PANTS, is about how I deal with that very question and how my choice affects Sarah, a skinny woman who definitely had potential to turn into a fatty with a few more chocolate bars.

I think this problem is really unique, and I think it would just be a really interesting memoir.

Sincerely,
Megano

P.S. No need to freak. Sarah is currently a size 6, so you don't have to be all, EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! She's been saved.

TsukiRyoko
03-29-2007, 04:16 AM
Dear Argent:

Hi! I have a novel for you to look at it's about this guy who does this like thing with magic and stuff and man does he kick ass i gotta tell you its awesome man just awesome if you dont buy it its gonna be your loss man all your loss it really is one of the greatest novels of all time i mean i like it and im a picky reader so i cant see why you wouldnt like it too right man?

since i took the time to write this out and tell you about my wonderful novel i dont see any reason to thank you until you respond to me because you should be really really grateful to me since its my paycheck you are gonna be leeching off off

sincerely
greatest writer ever really man i am


(God, this hurt to write.)

DeborahM
03-29-2007, 07:55 AM
Hi Irma!

It's your favorite author Burney! I've enclosed my latest manuscript, From the Mile High Club To Hell in the Suburbs.

You'll never believe how it came about, but then again, you know me, so maybe you've guessed.

Remember in my last story meeting Suzie? She's now Suzie Hodcloffer! I must say her parents weren't impressed with my last name, but they have eventually come around...so to speak.

The story begains on my flight back to the States and in case you didn't remember the happenings in the bathroom, let me remind you...

Suzie had asked me if I wanted to join the Mile High Club, while Suzie was busy with me the plane hit turbulence and began jumping up and down, which brought tears to my eyes. We fumbled around and at the next turbulence, she got her foot caught in the toilet and I slipped and flushed the toilet. Of course everyone heard us and when we walked out we could hear the snickering at our blue clothes.

Well, it was okay with Suzie that I put it into the manuscript however her father took another view on the subject the day we met and I was quickly put on notice he owned a shotgun, while he shook my hand with a grip like a snapping turtle. I tried not to go weak in the knees but it was my pale sweating face that convinced him I understood.

Suzie's mother made a fresh pot of coffee which we drank at the kitchen table. Suddenly a copy of Bride's magazine appeared, which I personally think her mother was sitting on and as I looked around the table, Suzie and her mother were already focusing on a wedding dress while her father sat there smiling wickedly, slowly drinking his coffee, praying for me to open my mouth.

I smiled the best smile I could bring up from a nervous knotted stomach while wishing I had taken up any other career besides writing. Oh, how the cursed words comes back to bite you in the ass!

We made it through all the arrangements without one word from my mouth and our wedding day arrived like a doomed judgement day. Our preacher was the bumbling preacher out of 4 Wedding and a Funeral, which made me laugh all the harder as he went on and on, and didn't make a good impression to the attending friends and families.

The party afterwards went to hell when my bestman, reminded the attendees of how Suzie and I met, then how I had confided in him I had a father-in-law-from-hell, while I watched the faces before me become of stone in shock. That's when Suzie began to really drink. As well as her father with every gulp, I sure, envisioning me standing in front of his well aimed shotgun below my waist...not that I'm any stud in that department, but I would like to keep what I do have.

Suzie and I finally escaped though the stinging of well aimed bird seed and headed for Hawaii for a wonderful and somewhat clumsy honeymoon, but nothing to climatic to report. When we returned home we had planned to live in my apartment. Her parents picked us up at the airport and we thought they were taking us to our apartment, but found them heading for their home.

When we arrived, we found a party going on next door. Her parents jumped out of the car and headed for the neighbor's party, so we followed, looking at each other questioning what was going on.

As we walked in the door, everyone yelled, "Welcome home!" Still planted at the front door, I looked around the house and found our things nicely arranged and then everything went black as I thought, OMG! My in-laws are my neighbors! I'm in hell!

After the embarrassment of passing out, the party continued around me, only in slow motion. The days are long now, with only my study to hide in, while my in-laws visit during the day, come for dinner or invite us to dinner, father mowing and hedging, as mother is cleaning and vaccuming, all driving me nuts while Suzie's at work.

Now a bundle of joy is on the way and my mind is consumed with all the reasons from the in-laws-from-hell to spend every waking hour here.

The moral to this story: Think twice about joining the Mile High Club and being a tell-all-writer!

With lots of regrets,

Burney Hodcloffer

emsuniverse
04-28-2007, 09:38 AM
I found this thread and I had to join in.


Dear Mr. Agent:
I'm writing to see if you would like to see my magnum opus, Ain't You. It is fifteen thousand words long. It's all about a woman named Ula who works at a phone factory and has an affair with her supervisor, a shemale named Franca. Can Ula keep Franca's love, even after Franca's lover McBethany finds out?
This company named Publish America wants to give my wonderful book the chance it deserves - they even answered within one day of my email! I figured, hell, if the wonderful PublishAmerica people are anxious to get their hands on my baby then they are going to get it... For a price, of course. More than one dollar. Do you think you can get me five dollars?

I'll buy you a copy of my book, if you get me the deal I want. After all, I'm gonna buy alot of copies!

Thanks!
Woman With No Clue

Backward Masking
04-28-2007, 09:38 PM
Dear Editor:

I've got this great idea I'd thought you might like to scope out. It's a story about this comma patient that saves the White House from ninjas hellbent on destroying democracy. Now here's the best part: The comma patient is still in a comma. Now, I understand you might be tempted to reject this obvious work of art that rivals everything the Renaissance period had to offer--combined. Fear not, I have some of my "associates" coming by your office to help you see things "more clearly." Given the timing of this e-mail, they should be arriving right about the time you receive this unsolicited book proposal. I look forward to working with you.

~Ciao

dochas
04-29-2007, 04:18 PM
To who it may concern,

Iím writing to tell you about this awesome idea I have for a book. See, thereís this guy, and heís trying to find his girlfriend right? but he canít because sheís totally hiding from him, on account of heís a total dikwad (hope you donít mind the fowl language, thereís some more bad words in this story too). First, he slept with her sister, then when her sister told her about it, she yelled at him (I mean the girlfriend yelled, not the sister), and he hit her (he hit the girlfriend, not the sister). See, I told you he was a dikwad. So when he hit her, she waited until he fell asleep. She had to do that because he lives with her because he doesnít have a job and his parents kicked him out. Which I think is totally bogus. I mean, your parents are supposed to take care of you right? Sometimes its hard to find the best job. I know, Ive been looking for a long time. Then she packed up her stuff and split. So now heís looking for her, and he canít find her because sheís so good at hiding. I think this is such an awesome and unigue story, donít hyou?

This is about all Ive written on the story, but as soon as you buy it, I can get a computer and finish writing the rest (I had to write this letter on the library computer, but they only let you use their stuff for 15 minutes, so I really think I need to get my own. What kind do you use?)

Sincerely,
Character in my own book

DeborahM
04-29-2007, 05:49 PM
Dear Barney,

Your stories are hilariously funny, however, I really can't decide how to market them unless you make them short stories and we market it as a memoir and then we title it, How NOT To Screw Up Your Life or possibly Donít Do As I Say or Have Done.

Let me know what youíve decided, and weíll go from thereÖbut please no more manuscripts of your miss adventures. I canít take it anymore.

Sincerely,

Irma
Your soon to be fired agent if you donít do this or drop your writing.

Celia Cyanide
07-19-2007, 02:15 AM
Hello, agent!

Have you ever wanted to know what would have happened to Jonathan Harker on his trip if only Dracula hadn't been such a jerk?

Well, now you can. I've started a new series of books called Smooth Sailing, in which I rewrite well known books and remove all the stuff that bums me out. I know you will appreciate my ability to think outside the box and ignore the formula which claims you need a conflict in order to tell a good story. Why? Who likes conflict? I sure don't.

I know I mentioned Dracula first, because I thought that would be the most impressive, but I haven't actually started working on that yet. One I am finished with is Flowers In The Attic. It's about a brother and sister who sleep in an attic in a big mansion and have sex, except that there are no whippings, they are well fed, and they can actually leave any time they want.

And my most recent book is a much more pleasant version of Anthony Burgess's A Clockwork Orange. It is 6 pages long.

Please write me back and tell me you want to publish all my books. Seriously, even if you don't want to. I don't deal too well with rejections.

Sincerely,

Author

JoeEkaitis
07-19-2007, 09:58 PM
George Howell Wright
555 Author Circle
Springfield, CA 99999
Phone: 888 555 5555 or 888 555 5556
Email: wright @ email.com

August 20, 2008

Ms. Alexandra Reed
Perihelion Press
222 Publishers' Row
New York, NY 11111

Dear Ms. Reed:

In accordance with your submission guidelines, I am sending you this query for my middle reader manuscript A Time for War.

It was a time for heroes, as the forces of good and evil marshaled their minions on the horizon between hope and despair. A careless word, a misread order, a misheard comment, all combined to unleash the furies that respected neither time nor space. Spears clashed with laser beams, force shields and bronze shields met on the same battlefield, smoke signals and instant text messages crisscrossed both war-torn plains and entire galaxies.

And from it all will arise a reluctant hero, a bespectacled lad who, in the course of a week, discovers a magic wand, a dragon's egg, an enchanted piece of jewelry and an innate ability to pilot the most complex and deadly interstellar combat spacecraft. Things are not at all well at the Sorcerer's Academy and a power struggle threatens the very existence of the resistance movement. All the while, he must embark on a series of epic journeys while keeping the enchanted jewelry out of the wrong hands and face his destiny as a dragon rider, a daunting task for someone whose skin breaks out in hives at the mere sight of anything with horns, scales and big, long, horse-chomping teeth.

A Time of War is like nothing else in print for young readers. Indeed, it might be too original for most publishers, but not Perihelion Press. I have already mapped out an eight-volume story arc that will ensure ten to twelve years of sustained interest. Combine that with the potential for a series of motion picture adaptations and the possibilities are positively breathtaking.

Oh, and at least a half-dozen beloved characters die in the final book. No one's ever done THAT before!

The manuscript for the first volume, which begins with the Big Bang and ends with the protagonist marrying the first of the many wives who will all meet an untimely and tragic end, is 23,000 words long and will be on its way as soon as I hear from you. By all means, call me on the phone or send an Email if you'd like to see it sooner.

Sincerely,

George Howell Wright

Soccer Mom
07-19-2007, 10:36 PM
:hooray: The thread lives again!

Celia Cyanide
07-24-2007, 04:20 AM
What can I say? writing bad queries comes naturally to me...

Celia Cyanide
07-31-2007, 08:33 PM
George Howell Wright
555 Author Circle
Springfield, CA 99999
Phone: 888 555 5555 or 888 555 5556
Email: wright @ email.com

August 20, 2008

Ms. Alexandra Reed
Perihelion Press
222 Publishers' Row
New York, NY 11111

Dear Ms. Reed:

In accordance with your submission guidelines, I am sending you this query for my middle reader manuscript A Time for War.

It was a time for heroes, as the forces of good and evil marshaled their minions on the horizon between hope and despair. A careless word, a misread order, a misheard comment, all combined to unleash the furies that respected neither time nor space. Spears clashed with laser beams, force shields and bronze shields met on the same battlefield, smoke signals and instant text messages crisscrossed both war-torn plains and entire galaxies.

And from it all will arise a reluctant hero, a bespectacled lad who, in the course of a week, discovers a magic wand, a dragon's egg, an enchanted piece of jewelry and an innate ability to pilot the most complex and deadly interstellar combat spacecraft. Things are not at all well at the Sorcerer's Academy and a power struggle threatens the very existence of the resistance movement. All the while, he must embark on a series of epic journeys while keeping the enchanted jewelry out of the wrong hands and face his destiny as a dragon rider, a daunting task for someone whose skin breaks out in hives at the mere sight of anything with horns, scales and big, long, horse-chomping teeth.

A Time of War is like nothing else in print for young readers. Indeed, it might be too original for most publishers, but not Perihelion Press. I have already mapped out an eight-volume story arc that will ensure ten to twelve years of sustained interest. Combine that with the potential for a series of motion picture adaptations and the possibilities are positively breathtaking.

Oh, and at least a half-dozen beloved characters die in the final book. No one's ever done THAT before!

The manuscript for the first volume, which begins with the Big Bang and ends with the protagonist marrying the first of the many wives who will all meet an untimely and tragic end, is 23,000 words long and will be on its way as soon as I hear from you. By all means, call me on the phone or send an Email if you'd like to see it sooner.

Sincerely,

George Howell Wright


Dear George Howell Wright:

Thank you for your query, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass. Contrary to what you might imagine, agents are avid readers. I recognize the published work you are querying, in an attempt to discredit agents as hacks who would not recognize a best selling novel if it jumped up and bit them on their collective asses. I just want to go on record as rejecting this, not because I cannot recognize a great story, but because I can, and I am not interested in supporting plagarism.

I apologize for the use of this form letter, but the number of people attempting this sorry "experiment" is so high I cannot possible refer to each original work by name.

Sincerely,

Agent

Just Mike
07-31-2007, 09:16 PM
Dear Mr., mrs, mamselle, sir, Smth
(i look on yur webcite and saw yur nme was Kim Smith and I have a cusin nmed Kim who's a boy and a girlfriend named Kim who's a girl and I'm confussed are yu a grl or boy or hermafrodate?)

i wrote a book and its prety gud i thnk!, it has a unicorn and ad dragond and they hav sex on a mountain

hav yu had sex on a mountan, nut with dragn or unicrn but wth person or maybe doig?

so th book is clled "un tup of old smoky all covvred indrgn nd unicrn sex," nd its a mdrn romance like harlikin.

anywey, yur webcit sez yu tak em subs but dady wont let me us comp so im senting text mssge. the scrn is rilly small nd ive got big fngrs.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

angiepants wuvs yu

BenPanced
08-06-2007, 05:09 AM
Ima Nagent
12134 Street
Somewhere, Ovahdarainbeau

Dear Mr. Nagent:

I saw you're listing in the 2003 Writer's Digest Listing of Agents and Stuff (I haven't been able to get the 2007 edition because I'm still saving up to get an XBox) and even though your listiung says you only take romance, I think your going to want to read my book because it'll change everything you think about science fiction.

First off, it's the first in a 14-book series. I've already written the first 13, so I'm just about ready to finish. It's about 350,000 words, counting the five-chapter epilogue, glossary, and I even have 12 pages of maps and weather charts.

It's called My Origional Story I Wrote Myself And Didn't Steal Anything From Anybody. It starts out in 1953 London where my hero (whose black adn gay, because there just aren't enough fantasy books with black, gay heros) finds an odd metal tool. When he turns it on, it summons this police box and my hero gets to meet Doctor Who (this one is played by the Pertwee actor, not that Tom Baker freak. I never liked him. His hat and scarf are totally gay).

This isn't fan fiction becuase I totally made up the story myself.

I've also enclosed a prototype for the action figure based on my hero. You can keep it if you want; I have about 35 of them.

NiennaC
08-06-2007, 07:25 AM
I've also enclosed a prototype for the action figure based on my hero. You can keep it if you want; I have about 35 of them.

Que the Twilight Zone Theme.

hehe...

Okay, here's one:


Dear My New Agent:

I've been rejected by 35 agents so far, and I just know you'll be the one to say yes, because this book is totally awesome!

It's about this kid on a broomstick and this war (but it's nothing like Harry Potter. The guy's name is Harold Potter, it's totally different.)

So, if you're interested, drop me a line....

Oh, and if someone mentions this to you, that restraining order that other agent got on me was totally a misunderstanding. Someone else must have driven a steam roller into his car, 'cause it wasn't me.

LATER!
- The Next Bestselling Author, GO ME!

BenPanced
08-06-2007, 08:17 PM
Dear Agenty-Type Person:

I have some really good ideas for books, but I don't know how to write. So, if you send me the names of about six or seven of your best selling authors, I'd really appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Ima Nidgit

JoeEkaitis
08-10-2007, 10:45 PM
Dear Agenty-Type Person:

I have some really good ideas for books, but I don't know how to write. So, if you send me the names of about six or seven of your best selling authors, I'd really appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Ima NidgitYou mean "Ima Brainlesscelebhocake."

JoeEkaitis
08-10-2007, 11:14 PM
Dear George Howell Wright:

Thank you for your query, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass. Contrary to what you might imagine, agents are avid readers. I recognize the published work you are querying, in an attempt to discredit agents as hacks who would not recognize a best selling novel if it jumped up and bit them on their collective asses. I just want to go on record as rejecting this, not because I cannot recognize a great story, but because I can, and I am not interested in supporting plagarism.

I apologize for the use of this form letter, but the number of people attempting this sorry "experiment" is so high I cannot possible refer to each original work by name.

Sincerely,

AgentAgent:

Sez you. And the horse you rode in on.

GHW

Nefertiti Baker
08-11-2007, 01:34 PM
Madame Agent,

I've been referred to you buy my Father, Perry Sinclair Fitzhugh Raymondo Grayden Right Holcombe the Fifth. Do you remember? You split champagne on the green during the polo finals. Of course you rmember!

My book is so amazing. I labored over it for a long time. I mean, I had tu go to class sometimes (doen't it matter that Father gives soooo much money to Duke? God!), but it got done. I even stopped getting ready for my coming out cottillion just to work on it. Being 18's hard.

Get this: I called it "Devils Wear Prada, but Hot Angels Wear Tocca and Cavalli".

It's about some girls in NYC who find love and stuff in NYC. And stuff. Yeah. I tried to make it really, really deep, too. One of the girls- get this- does coke. Not even the good stuff. She doesn't know quality.

Anyway, they all live in penthouse apts and wear lots of Prada. They eat lunch with Auntie Anna. Anna Wintour is such a hoot! Love her! She always talks about Mother and is so nice too.

So, it's a whole book, not a little piece of one. I think it's about 100 pgs on the computer. I think it's long. My assistant always cries a bit when I tell her to add more or fix things so that the girls are more fabilis.

My assistant's finisheing the typing, but I wrote this note, because your Father's special friend, right? So, I can't wait to be a riter. When should I rent Nobu for? A month from now? I need to threw a big party for when I have the book in my hands!

Kisses! God bless.

Tremaine Blanche Patricia Victoria Mary Louise Holcombe

JoeEkaitis
08-12-2007, 02:38 AM
Like, ohmygawd, I spent 45 days in jail and all you think it's worth is a $25,000,000 advance? On WHAT planet?

Like, I dontknowwhat to say!

P. Hilton

VictoriaLambert
08-15-2007, 08:52 AM
Greetings, Mr. Bond:

*Psst*

I must share that I really enjoyed receiving your most recent love letter.

True, you didn't--as Jane Austen would have me believe--douse the form in lilac-scented perfume or even bother to scribe it yourself, but then you must have suspected that I like an agent who plays hard to get.

This isn't the first time you've tried to break up with me, is it?

Remember when you said "unfortunately, this is not something that seems right for me and so I will step aside. I wish you the best." I didn't take no for an answer then and I won't now when you know we're destined to be together. We're in this for the long-haul.

I thought it especially neat when you employed cryptic statements such as the following: "Based on your email query we have decided not to pursue representation."

Pursue??? Nice, tiger! Who would have thought you were such an alpha male?? Yum!

Oh, and please cease doubting my feelings for you. I'm not above you so stop subscribing to insecurites that make you doubt whether or not we're compatible: "I don't believe I'd be the right agent for your work."

Don't deny the inevitable--it's kismet.

xoxo

P.S. Did you get that mix tape I sent you? Remember to play it while reading my query titled Ladykiller. Now, I don't want to give away the best bits, but suffice it to say it's not about some random casanova. It's about a woman scorned who becomes a serial killer after a nasty break-up. You should see the level of research I did for this book. :)

Celia Cyanide
02-06-2008, 10:50 PM
Don't die, Bad Query Thread! Please don't die!

Soccer Mom
02-06-2008, 10:52 PM
CC! You've revived it. Awesome. :D

stormie
02-06-2008, 10:54 PM
Yes!! I had forgotten about this thread. Thanks, Celia!

Okay, who's next with the bad query?

Rodlen
02-06-2008, 11:44 PM
hey dude

u know how kewl this is? i rote a book. worked on it hard. u know, a book. a kewl book.

called teh rifelman. about a rifelman.

war is kewl, u know.

teh rifelman is long. long. i didn't bother to count the pages. it is long.

kewl kid

Soccer Mom
02-07-2008, 01:18 AM
Dear Agunt:

http://mine.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/2/6/ohhaiiwritt128468063867968750.jpg


I send it 2U. U send me monies. I can haz kontract now?


KTHXBAI

HeronW
02-07-2008, 03:25 AM
Dear Agente Person--YOU NO WHO YOU ARE!

This life changgin positiv bok will change the WORLD. it has already by virture of existanze! You have 20 min to send an check to me for 3, no make it 3.5 mil. (taxes yanno) advanced or your hubby Jim and lil Bob your 4 yr old brat, and the dog your mutt Smokey with the 'piddle when I'm happy' problem (I no ware youlive)--will be riten in as the NEW accidental victims of my mane charag, chrar, sheeiit the bad gut-guy on page 3!
See the attackenment for the revision.

Sincer and best wishes fur you and the fambly this hoiliday season,

Bubba Jr Smith

Rodlen
02-07-2008, 05:36 AM
Hello, Mr. Agent,

I am a successful author, who has written multiple novels.

I would like to see my books published by more than one publisher.

My books include By Puke They Go and Atlanta Days.

My books have been published by PublishAmerica.

My book here is titled Underwar Wares.

It is about people who fought wars with underwar, in a fantasy land.

P. A. Victim

Rodlen
02-07-2008, 08:51 AM
Helloo, Mr. Vrain.

I'm a six-year old girl, and I have written a book. It is about kitties.

My mommy has helped me type this.

The book is called The Pink Kitty Book. It is about a kitty in Catland who can fly and play with her friends! It is meant for people of all ages, and it is for people 6-10.

I like kitties.

The book is attached! A whopping 3 pages, more than my prior work Kitties!

I like kitties.

Pink kitty!

Mommy, can I eat a slice of cake?

I like kitties.

Thanks,

Sixyear Old

Komnena
02-07-2008, 03:38 PM
Dear Agent
I have written a book about Pompeii. Lots of doomed love, gladiators and lava. Here is the whole three thousand pages. When can I start getting royalties?

Inky
02-07-2008, 03:43 PM
What a great thread! I mean, why can't we send them a 'form' query? After all, they send us form letters and half the time it's 'Dear Author', but the bastids dare to go on and on in agent listings about how it irritates them when we don't even know their name; hence, write: Dear Agent.

Pffff. Tit for tat, I say!

Off with their heads!!!

Sorry. I'm still on percocet. It makes me a bit over the top.

Carry on...

Lccorp2
02-07-2008, 05:07 PM
*The agent opens the query, and finds a blank piece of paper.*

stormie
02-07-2008, 05:41 PM
All of the above are so funny! And I can just imagine that it does happen that someone accidently sends a blank sheet of paper. (2 AM, several bottles of Coors,...)

Inky
02-07-2008, 06:30 PM
Dear Necessary Evil,

I've just completed my 100k fantasy romance and would like to know if you're interested in yet another paycheck that gives you 40% of earnings on my hard labor of love? I understand that I will be billed for photocopies, long distance phone calls, and required to sign a one year contract that I must give YOU 30 days notice to cancel said contract, but you only need give me a phone call to cancel, should you discover one of your other potentials will make you stinkin' rich much more quickly than I will.

I would offer you my target audience, and even a marketing plan, but I'm pretty sure that should fall under your 'earned income credit', and wouldn't want to deplete you of such joy.

I've made sure to include a SASE enabling you to gain absolute euphoria over sending me a form letter politley telling me to kiss your ass, reminding me that I'm so unworthy of your time, you can't remember my name past: Dear Author.

Sincerely,

The Grunt

Inky
02-07-2008, 06:32 PM
All of the above are so funny! And I can just imagine that it does happen that someone accidently sends a blank sheet of paper. (2 AM, several bottles of Coors,...)
Too bad there's not a way a secret camera could be attached so we could observe just how many times the agent flips the paper over and back again, frowning, just SURE he/she's missed something!

I think I'd piss mi' knickers....

Rodlen
02-07-2008, 09:26 PM
Dera Itiod,

You are an idiot.

Especially if you don't take this book, Agents are Idiots.

It is an expose of you and people like you.

Who are idiots.

It will be a bestseller, I know.

That is because I used to work with a successful traditional publisher.

Ann Idiott

Rodlen
02-07-2008, 09:33 PM
Dear Necessary Evil,

I've just completed my 100k fantasy romance and would like to know if you're interested in yet another paycheck that gives you 40% of earnings on my hard labor of love? I understand that I will be billed for photocopies, long distance phone calls, and required to sign a one year contract that I must give YOU 30 days notice to cancel said contract, but you only need give me a phone call to cancel, should you discover one of your other potentials will make you stinkin' rich much more quickly than I will.

I would offer you my target audience, and even a marketing plan, but I'm pretty sure that should fall under your 'earned income credit', and wouldn't want to deplete you of such joy.

I've made sure to include a SASE enabling you to gain absolute euphoria over sending me a form letter politley telling me to kiss your ass, reminding me that I'm so unworthy of your time, you can't remember my name past: Dear Author.

Sincerely,

The Grunt

Dear Author,

You are partially correct. You are not worthy of my time. At all. I AM NOT EVIL!

Angrily,

Not Evil

HeronW
02-07-2008, 09:35 PM
Komnena just wrote the sequel to Gladiator, Gladiator II the Deep Fried. :}

Inky
02-08-2008, 10:13 AM
Komnena just wrote the sequel to Gladiator, Gladiator II the Deep Fried. :}
Have her submit it to Rodlen...don't forget the SASE!

Rodlen
02-08-2008, 09:22 PM
Dear Agent
I have written a book about Pompeii. Lots of doomed love, gladiators and lava. Here is the whole three thousand pages. When can I start getting royalties?


Dear Author,

My name is John K. Read, not Agent.

Now, I just got this mess in a large box. Explain why I should read 3000 pages of idiotic junk.

Yes, it is idiotic. And junk.

You will start getting royalties when the following happens:

*Pigs fly
*Hell freezes over

Understand?

John K. Read, Annoyed Agent

Komnena
02-08-2008, 09:31 PM
Dear mr john k read, annoyed agent
i took your advice and wrote a shorter piece about flying pigs. It is only two thousand pages long. See, the flying pigs are enslaved by an evil overlord. One of them is born with a star on his tail which means he's destined to free his people from the evil overlord he goes on many adventures before he can free his people. It's really a grand story once it really gets going.
Oh, and I'm now working on a story about Hell's freezing. Thanks for the great ideas.

Rodlen
02-08-2008, 09:48 PM
Dear mr john k read, annoyed agent
i took your advice and wrote a shorter piece about flying pigs. It is only two thousand pages long. See, the flying pigs are enslaved by an evil overlord. One of them is born with a star on his tail which means he's destined to free his people from the evil overlord he goes on many adventures before he can free his people. It's really a grand story once it really gets going.
Oh, and I'm now working on a story about Hell's freezing. Thanks for the great ideas.

Dear Author,

Uhh...

Err...

Umm...

Try...something like maybe 80000 words.

The first idea sounds like it could work, if it was shorter than 2000 pages.

Of course, I don't have the time to read 2000 pages right now, or ever.

I'm sorry, but I can't help you much with something so long.

John K. Read, Surprised Agent

stormie
02-08-2008, 11:32 PM
Dear Mrs. or Mr. or Ms. Agent--
U R 2 Much is a just sooooo exciting fiction novel I wrote by myself. It's poetry and not poetry all at one time. It's sooo beautiful, too, like when he goes, "I luv you," and she goes, like, "I heart you, too!" you'll just die it's sooooo beautiful. The really exciting part is when they, um, you know. You'll have to read U R 2 Much. I can't talk about it in this letter where other people in your office will read about, um, you know, the exciting part. You know?
Thanx much!
An Author

Rodlen
02-09-2008, 01:34 AM
Dear Mrs. or Mr. or Ms. Agent--
U R 2 Much is a just sooooo exciting fiction novel I wrote by myself. It's poetry and not poetry all at one time. It's sooo beautiful, too, like when he goes, "I luv you," and she goes, like, "I heart you, too!" you'll just die it's sooooo beautiful. The really exciting part is when they, um, you know. You'll have to read U R 2 Much. I can't talk about it in this letter where other people in your office will read about, um, you know, the exciting part. You know?
Thanx much!
An Author

Dear An Author,

You could have checked my gender yourself, you know.

Are you some sort of teenage girl!?! Don't use text-message speech.

...Exiting part? What exiting part?

The only places where the text-message speech worked were the cell phone scenes.

Ugh,
John K. Read, Unhappy Agent

stormie
02-09-2008, 05:59 AM
Hey Unhappy Agent!
Yeah, so what of it, i'm a teenage grrrl. Text message is the future, ya know? And there was no exiting part. Its exciting. The whole fiction novel! Lots of stuff in there, you know? Um, well, if you don't, then no way are you the agent for me. You have got to know about these things.
I am an author. Maybe I shoud just send it to this place called PA. They told me they'll give my fiction novel the chance that it deserves!
Byeee!

Rodlen
02-09-2008, 07:00 AM
Hey Unhappy Agent!
Yeah, so what of it, i'm a teenage grrrl. Text message is the future, ya know? And there was no exiting part. Its exciting. The whole fiction novel! Lots of stuff in there, you know? Um, well, if you don't, then no way are you the agent for me. You have got to know about these things.
I am an author. Maybe I shoud just send it to this place called PA. They told me they'll give my fiction novel the chance that it deserves!
Byeee!


Dear Teenage Girl,

...Oops.

NO! NO NO NO!

DON'T LET PUBLISHAMERICA GET THIS MANUSCRIPT!!!

THEY JUST WANT YOUR MONEY!

THEY ALSO WANT TO DESTROY TEXT MESSAGING!

John K. Read, Homicidal Agent

Soccer Mom
02-09-2008, 07:49 AM
I love 'em. Here's another

Dear angent,

I lik to writ and mi famly sez Im reel gud. I gotz a tin thousnad wrd buk fer yew to cel. Itz all bout mi luv fer Irma JeaN. sHEEz reel purty. Me n Irma hav lotz advneturez tagethre. Sheez a muhl.

thanx, yer freind

Opie


deer angent,

Im still wateng to heer frum yew bout me n IRmaz buk. I got mor 2 sned 2 U. Opie n Irma goze 2 the serkus in my knew for thuosnad wurd maztrpeez.

pleez writ uz sun. Irma is geting wuried.


Deer angent,

Irma iz geting upsett thut U hav not writen. I keeps teling her evrythin iz OK, butt I don thank she beleevs me. U aint seen sad til U seen a mule crye. U beter rite uz reel fast or U gunna brake her hart.

Opie


Dear esteemed colleague,

I have penned a magnificent opus for your worthy consideration. The Bleak Epistyle is 400 thousand words of superlative prose in iambic pentameter. This astounding novel plumbs the depths of human contemplation in the glorious pantheon of socially conscious Darwinism with a mirthless touch of neo-hedonism for the warmth this imparts. Brilliantly crafted in second person present tense, Bleak Epistyle takes place in a single afternoon as our prodigious protagonist sips exquisite coffee while waiting for his mother. He begins writing a letter to himself. This is that letter.

Shall I mail you my entire extraordinary, hand-crafted manuscript prepared entirely in calligraphy for your judicious consideration?

I have many prestigious degrees and academic awards. I decline to mention such honors as they have little meaning to the unwashed masses.

I eagerly wait your grateful response,

Roget De Thesaurus


Don't mind me. :e2cry: Just remember the early days. My little baby has grown so!

Matera the Mad
02-09-2008, 08:18 AM
Dear Poopsie,

Hope you are over that cold. The weather is a lot betteer here, my sniffles are gone.

I sent off another stupid query letter again. I can't believe all these agents - can't they read or something? I offer them the most original novel of the century and all I get back is these sorry half-ass form letters or else an insulting piece of crap about how I should shorten it from 300,000 words to a piddly 80,000. What do they think I am? Gad how we artistes suffer.

I really loved that first draft you sent me of yours - don't change a word!

Well, I better go now, we have to hurry or we'll miss the first showing. Oh, hunny just made a funny - don't put the wrong letters in the wrong envelopes, he says. Ha ha ha.

Love, Lou

Inky
02-09-2008, 09:20 AM
Have her submit it to Rodlen...don't forget the SASE!


Dear Author,

My name is John K. Read, not Agent.

Now, I just got this mess in a large box. Explain why I should read 3000 pages of idiotic junk.

Yes, it is idiotic. And junk.

You will start getting royalties when the following happens:

*Pigs fly
*Hell freezes over

Understand?

John K. Read, Annoyed Agent


Dear mr john k read, annoyed agent
i took your advice and wrote a shorter piece about flying pigs. It is only two thousand pages long. See, the flying pigs are enslaved by an evil overlord. One of them is born with a star on his tail which means he's destined to free his people from the evil overlord he goes on many adventures before he can free his people. It's really a grand story once it really gets going.
Oh, and I'm now working on a story about Hell's freezing. Thanks for the great ideas.
I think it's safe to say: we've successfully initiated our lil' newbie, Rodlen. Now ta' take the heffah on over to the Cabaret....hehehehehehehe...

Suprswimmer
02-10-2008, 10:02 AM
mR. PeRsOn.

I wRoTe A bOoK. My MoMmY sAys Im SpEcIaL.

YoU sHoUlD rEaD mY bOoK. ItS rEaLlY cOol.

ItS aBoUt...HeY mOm! WhAtS iT aBoUt AgAiN?!

ByE bYe Mr LaDy

DiD i MeNtIoN mY mOmMy ThInKs Im SpEcIaL?

Rodlen
02-10-2008, 11:35 PM
mR. PeRsOn.

I wRoTe A bOoK. My MoMmY sAys Im SpEcIaL.

YoU sHoUlD rEaD mY bOoK. ItS rEaLlY cOol.

ItS aBoUt...HeY mOm! WhAtS iT aBoUt AgAiN?!

ByE bYe Mr LaDy

DiD i MeNtIoN mY mOmMy ThInKs Im SpEcIaL?

Dear Kid,

Yes, you mentioned that your mommy thinks you are special.

I am not a lady.

This book, basically, sucks.

Therefore, it is a good piece of toddler's literature.

I'm not the agent to ask about this.

John K. Read, Normal Agent

Suprswimmer
02-11-2008, 01:56 AM
Dear Kid,

Yes, you mentioned that your mommy thinks you are special.

I am not a lady.

This book, basically, sucks.

Therefore, it is a good piece of toddler's literature.

I'm not the agent to ask about this.

John K. Read, Normal Agent

Dear John K. Read, Normal Agent,

Are you sure?! :(

Rodlen
02-11-2008, 08:39 PM
Dear John K. Read, Normal Agent,

Are you sure?! :(


Dear Kid,

Yes.

John K. Read, Bored Agent

Celia Cyanide
02-11-2008, 08:55 PM
*The agent opens the query, and finds a blank piece of paper.*

Dear Author,

I'll pass. You forgot to add the ink. Although, ironically, this is the best query I have read all day.

Sincerely,

Agent

Celia Cyanide
02-11-2008, 08:58 PM
Dear Agent,

I had a boyfriend, but he broke up with me. It sucked. I wrote a whole book about how much it sucked. I think people will like to read my memoir, because I had such a hard time, but now I feel better.

Do you know what he did after we broke up? I saw him at this party, and he asked me to call him, and I did, just because I thought it would be a nice thing to do, not because I wanted to talk to him. And he was nice at first, and then he starts telling me all the stuff he don't like about me! I think he didn't really want to talk to me, he just wanted to tell me all of that stuff, so he tricked me into calling him! Then later, he told me to call him, and I said no way, and he got mad! Can you believe that? Like I really going to call him after he said such mean stuff last time!

That is just the tip of the iceberg. In the chapter, "the second time I got mad," I will tell you all about how he never gave me my friend Jordan's phone messages cuz he jealous. But I think the best part is in the chapter, "Neglected," when he got me a CD I already had for my birthday.

You should totally publish my memoir, because I went through a really hard time, and I survived and I deserve it. I think it should be a movie, with Kate Hudson playing me, and her singing, "I Will Survive" at karaoke on the end. Or would that be too cheesy? Anyway, we'll talk about that later.

Yours Truly,

Katie X

Soccer Mom did it, so I had too...;)

Rodlen
02-11-2008, 09:25 PM
Dear Agent,

I am the respected author of 44444 Ways to Get Published, and I want you to help me.

Look at my book.

Remember, 444444 Ways to Get Published will be an epic book.

From self-publishing to traditional publishers, from photocopying to getting published, from submitting to PA to submitting to me, 4444444 Ways to Get Published will be bought a lot.

Wanting to be published,
Aaron Reed, author of 44444444 Ways to Get Published.

Rodlen
02-14-2008, 11:06 PM
...Hey, anyone here?

I still don't have a reply, Mr. Agent.

I want my book published, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111

Aaron Reed

Soccer Mom
02-14-2008, 11:33 PM
Dear Aaron Reed,

Enclosed you will find a copy of my forty previous rejection letters as well as a copy of the restraining order filed by my attorney. Please remember: 100 feet means 100 feet.

Stay away,

Terrified Agent

Rodlen
02-15-2008, 02:07 AM
T. Agent,

No police can stop me.

If you don't leave a published copy of my book in my local Chapters, you will never be seen again.

Aaron Reed

Komnena
02-20-2008, 06:26 AM
Dear Mr. Agent
I am sending you my latest novel, Gladiator II, The Deep Fried. It is about gladiators at Pompeii and there struckles to surveive lava and the attacks of mysterious flying pigs.My freinds say it is grate.

Rodlen
02-22-2008, 08:32 AM
Dear Mr. Agent
I am sending you my latest novel, Gladiator II, The Deep Fried. It is about gladiators at Pompeii and there struckles to surveive lava and the attacks of mysterious flying pigs.My freinds say it is grate.

Dear Author,

Didn't you already send me this?

John K. Read, Agent

Komnena
02-26-2008, 04:28 AM
ok ok how about this one? a triple crown winner can sire only winged horses? I've got the first book in the series finished it is only five hundred pages long please mr. reed give me a chance.

stormie
02-26-2008, 05:28 AM
Uh, Dear Mr.Reed/Read:
What IS the currect spelling of your name? (Take a look-see at your above posts. I mean, I cann't spell, ya know, but I aint that bad!) An then you went frum Johh K. to Aaron. What the heck? How in the heck can I send my qwery? Who the heck do I send it too?
A Awther

Kerr
02-26-2008, 06:12 AM
Dear Agent Read,

I just started a novel that I already know is going to be the cat's meow. If I finish this, it will be my first, but I have high hopes, the story line is just so catching. It concerns a kidnapped child who grows up needing revenge. I'm not sure how long it will take to finish, but I thought I'd get all my ducks in a row right off.

Would you like to see the first few pages?

Sincerely,
Twilla B. Soon

Rodlen
02-26-2008, 08:39 AM
Uh, Dear Mr.Reed/Read:
What IS the currect spelling of your name? (Take a look-see at your above posts. I mean, I cann't spell, ya know, but I aint that bad!) An then you went frum Johh K. to Aaron. What the heck? How in the heck can I send my qwery? Who the heck do I send it too?
A Awther


Dear A. Awther,

I AM NOT THAT IDIOTIC AARON REED! I AM JOHN K. READ!

John K. Read, Angry Agent

Rodlen
02-26-2008, 08:40 AM
Dear Agent Read,

I just started a novel that I already know is going to be the cat's meow. If I finish this, it will be my first, but I have high hopes, the story line is just so catching. It concerns a kidnapped child who grows up needing revenge. I'm not sure how long it will take to finish, but I thought I'd get all my ducks in a row right off.

Would you like to see the first few pages?

Sincerely,
Twilla B. Soon

Dear Twilla,

No.

John K. Read, Quick Agent

Soccer Mom
02-27-2008, 09:49 PM
Dear Aaron Reed,

What part of restraining order didn't you understand? Who writes an entire novel on index cards? I don't want to know what that brown stain was. You're one sick puppy.

Stay away!

Terrified Agent

Rodlen
02-28-2008, 01:01 AM
Dear Aaron Reed,

What part of restraining order didn't you understand? Who writes an entire novel on index cards? I don't want to know what that brown stain was. You're one sick puppy.

Stay away!

Terrified Agent


Dear Terrified Agent...

*large blood splatter*

Oh wait, you are injured. Sorry.

Now publish my book.

Aaron "Homicidal" Reed

Komnena
02-28-2008, 07:05 AM
ok, guess you didn't like the flying horses. They're really upset because you didn't want to tell your story they will be coming to your house soon to find out why you didn't like them you have been warned

Rodlen
02-28-2008, 07:42 AM
ok, guess you didn't like the flying horses. They're really upset because you didn't want to tell your story they will be coming to your house soon to find out why you didn't like them you have been warned


Dear <insert your name here>,

Two things will help your writing:

*Stop taking drugs.

*Tune up your writing.

John K. Read, Anti-Drug Agent

HeronW
02-28-2008, 06:40 PM
Dear Mr/Ms hey you assh*le,

Being polite and PC didn't help the poor author get pulished so she found 'The Secret'. A combination of rohypnol, hungry tapeworms, kidnapping, and chronic mange assures every author of their brithright goddamnit!

You can send the first check for 50,000$ to the address below. I expect it within a week and keep 'em coming monthly for the rest of your life.

Remember the Secret, or else.

f*ck off, sincerely

yadayada

stormie
02-28-2008, 07:12 PM
Dear <insert your name here>,

Two things will help your writing:

*Stop taking drugs.

*Tune up your writing.

John K. Read, Anti-Drug Agent
Dear Mr.Read:
But I do! I listen to iTunes while I write!
A Author

Rodlen
02-28-2008, 08:49 PM
Dear Mr/Ms hey you assh*le,

Being polite and PC didn't help the poor author get pulished so she found 'The Secret'. A combination of rohypnol, hungry tapeworms, kidnapping, and chronic mange assures every author of their brithright goddamnit!

You can send the first check for 50,000$ to the address below. I expect it within a week and keep 'em coming monthly for the rest of your life.

Remember the Secret, or else.

f*ck off, sincerely

yadayada

Dear Yadayada,

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

NO!

John K. Read, Agent of No

Rodlen
02-28-2008, 08:51 PM
Dear Mr.Read:
But I do! I listen to iTunes while I write!
A Author

Dear A. Author,

I meant get better at writing. Improve your writing.

John K. Read, Persistant Agent

Komnena
02-29-2008, 03:50 AM
ok, ive got a new idea.There's this dwarf, see, well this dwarf has to throw the Grail into a tornado to destroy it.

AOC
02-29-2008, 03:59 AM
Dear Lady or man , or donkeys....I love donkeys Yahoo!!

I have writen the worlds shortest book about DONKEYS , OMG I LOVE DONKEYS!!!, I know its only 1 page but IT HAS DONKEYS , YAY DONKEYS. Im not looking for a donkey ( i meant the other word) im looking for an agent get it hahahaha, well write me back and i wont go to my donkey and send you 10000 years of bad karma, bad juju, and bad mojo. with all the stuff listed isnt it easier to just pass me the contract. thanks a lot

PS. im not afriad of using my donkey !!!!!

stormie
02-29-2008, 06:17 PM
(I think we need keyboard alerts here. I almost spewed the coffee I was drinking all over the keyboard. Too funny!)

Komnena
02-29-2008, 08:07 PM
who cares about donkeys my flying horses rule so there!!!!!

Rodlen
02-29-2008, 10:58 PM
ok, ive got a new idea.There's this dwarf, see, well this dwarf has to throw the Grail into a tornado to destroy it.


Dear A. Author,

DON'T CLONE LOTR!

John K. Read, Angry Agent

Rodlen
02-29-2008, 10:59 PM
Dear Lady or man , or donkeys....I love donkeys Yahoo!!

I have writen the worlds shortest book about DONKEYS , OMG I LOVE DONKEYS!!!, I know its only 1 page but IT HAS DONKEYS , YAY DONKEYS. Im not looking for a donkey ( i meant the other word) im looking for an agent get it hahahaha, well write me back and i wont go to my donkey and send you 10000 years of bad karma, bad juju, and bad mojo. with all the stuff listed isnt it easier to just pass me the contract. thanks a lot

PS. im not afriad of using my donkey !!!!!

Dear Idiot,

Go away.

John K. Read, Insulting Agent

Rodlen
02-29-2008, 11:00 PM
who cares about donkeys my flying horses rule so there!!!!!


Dear A. Author,

...This is it. Are you people some sort of cult of annoying authors or something?

John K. Read, Police Detective