View Full Version : "Dead to Us" - Our Version of Colbert's "Dead to Me" List

08-08-2006, 12:54 AM
You know, we all do a lot of posting here that involves a word or two here, and maybe a sentence or two there, but how about we raise the bar a little and write a whole paragraph? It would be really nice to actually see some people's writing styles in action.

I am a huge Stephen Colbert fan. I bet some of you are, too. Stephen has two lists on his show. One is his "On Notice" list where he puts people, places or things "on notice" to shape up or be shipped to his "Dead to Me" list -- where he declares they do not exist anymore to him.

How about our own "Dead to Me" list? Surely there are people, places or things that tick us all off and we would like to declare "Dead to Us." Well post them here!

This is how we will do it. You have to post the name of the thing and declare it dead to you. Then you must write a paragraph explaining why it is dead to you. Number your submission to our list and we will see how many things we can declare "Dead to Us"

1. Bedsheets that aren't made of pure cotton - ARE DEAD TO ME -- Hotel and motel managers, take note. From now on, I will not only be bringing my own pillow with me, I will be bringing my sheets as well. I simply refuse to sleep on those raggedy, thread bare, pill covered poly/cotton sheets one more night. Are you people not aware that synthetic fabrics are petroleum based products? So sleeping on synthetic sheets is just another way of making us dependent on Middle Eastern oil and potentially helping our President to open parts of the Alaskan wilderness to oil rigs and making him and his friends Rove and Cheney even bigger robber oil barrons. Polyester sheets are un-American and are only increasing the odds that we are headed toward WW3. I hope you polyester sheet sleepers will be happy when that happens and all the cotton growers in America are on the welfare lines being supported by our tax dollars.

There is nothing like the joy of getting naked and slipping between two high thread count, ice cold pure cotton sheets to either puts a girl right to sleep or puts her in the mood for some mattress jumping. And resting your weary head on a pillow colder than a witchs' ... well you get the picture... is pure heaven. So from now on, it's strictly cotton for this girl. And none of that Egyptian cotton either -- I want my cotton sheets to be AMERICAN. Believe me, this "American Woman" checks, too. I personally sleep on Ralph Lauren -- the sheets, not the guy. Although it annoys me a little that his sheets are marked "Made in America" and "Fabrique aux Etats-Unis" and "Hecho en EE UU". We can dispense with the French and the Spanish. This is America and we speak English. And don't try and slip in any of those cotton knit sheets on me, either. If I wanted to sleep on top of t-shirts I'd sleep on top of Michael Jordan. OK - maybe Kevin Bacon. So I hereby declare Bedsheets that arent made of cotton DEAD TO ME.

08-08-2006, 02:07 AM
2. People if you can call them that who drive too fast in restricted zones especially where kids are and my dog sits and waits for passing randy wabbits are dead to me!

Bertrand Russell Terrier Burty for short is a friend of mine who sits at my feet occasionally but is normally out trying to rape bunnies-so he is not a well being. He is black and white and red all over because he never stops-until now at least.

You see we have a little place in the country, a little winding road, kids who walk up and down it and chat and give each other grief as kids are supposed to do. We also have a ton of sexy Jack rabbits, at least Burty thinks they are and he chases them unmercifully. However, being the kind of fellow that he is Burty rarely if ever will corner some poor Jack, hurting is not in his nature, chasing is. Typically he just stops and lets them run off to wherever Jacks run off to whether burrow or just the other side of the road where the field stretches out, where it yawns into the sunset and dogs can chase Jacks and kids can stretch out and pick at a straw and yack about whatever kids yack about.

I've heard the screaching, the hard braking that idiots mostly do when they have overstepped their bounds and have ignored the sign which both ways will tell them that there is a curb coming and for God's sake slow down.

So far no kids have been on the list but my Burty was and he had to pay. No he was not killed he is just injured. You know what I mean don't you, hell it is just a dog. He is limping around leg in cast and has a bit of trouble with an infection so he is being force fed antibiotics in his rabbit stew.

When I went to the road to pick Burty up out of the gutter where he had been thrown, he looked up to me and smiled. "I'll be damned," I thought to myself this friend of mine can still smile. He said don't worry Pop it'll be alright, don't worry."

It reminded me of a day long ago when my buddy Bob lay dieing in my arms, the sound of the screeching and the thudding kind of reminded me of Bob. It reminded me of a friend who had been standing next to me, reminded me of the thud, the stinking rotten thud and the ripping of muscles bone and cartilage that one seldom hears sitting in the movie house watching some Dirty Harry kill someone so very cleanly and silently.

Yah it reminded me of Bob's smile and Burty's smile and of the innocence, of the way they could both pick you up and whisk you off into some place where there was not a whole lot of pain, yah and just with their smile.

Burty is still hobbling and he just might make it if his infection does not get any worse. Bob didn't make it. Burty will someday I hope get back to making a vain glorious attempt to rape rabbits. Bob? No Bob just looked up and smiled and died and the guy driving the damn truck, well, the guy driving the truck just does not give a damn.

So I hereby declare idiots who think that they don't have to play by the rules to the detriment of others DEAD TO ME!

08-08-2006, 06:16 PM
There are 5,999,999,942 people who are dead to me.
I'll bring them back...if you want.

08-08-2006, 07:10 PM
People who can't use their Inside Voice in public, shared places are Dead To Me!

We have a lovely Starbucks not far from my house, but on Sunday mornings, you can't go inside and relax because of this GROUP of women who gather there, every single Sunday. They take up 3 tables, and talk SO loudly, the baristas can't hear you place your order two feet away from them !! You give these women "the look" and they ignore you. You make comments loud enough for them to hear, they ignore you.

They sit there, literally hogging the entire coffee shop, with absolutely no thought or care as to how rude they're being, and treat Starbucks as if it were their living room !!

Everyone in town has learned that on Sunday, if you want Starbucks for breakfast, you hit the drive through and go elsewhere with it. You can't go inside, you can't sit down and enjoy anything, and if you walk in to order, you're blood pressure will shoot way up and endanger your life !

I've had thoughts and ideas. One was to set up a video camera, sit there with a notebook and pen, and when they ask what I'm doing, I'd say "I'm making a documentary about rude behavior in public places, and everyone in town told me to come here and film your group."

I've also thought about getting a group of people together, showing up before they do, then planting people in groups of 1 and 2 at every table in there in order to force those ladies out.

So, people who are rude in public places are Dead to Me !

08-09-2006, 01:21 AM
Pills that aren't coated are DEAD TO ME! I take 6 medications every day -- 7 if you count that I have to take one in two different strengths to equal the required dosage. Three of them are uncoated. Two of them are really tiny but one is a horse pill that would choke Linda Lovelace and it is really hard to take. I dread taking it 3 times a day. As soon as I swallow it, the damn thing hits my tonsils and bursts into millions of pieces of little white medicine shrapnel. It tastes like I've been snorting Ajax. (Not that I would really know what that tasted like or anything!) It takes me a half a bottle of water, a handfull of animal crackers and a glass of juice to wash the damn thing down my throat and kill that taste.

Now, they can coat aspirin. And they can make chewable Flintstones vitamins that taste good. My pharmacy can even add 25 different flavorings to kids' liquid medicine including Strawberry Daiquiri flavor. They even make Tylenol now in cute little red, white and blue capsules. I bought them yesterday and saluted before I took them. So why can't they coat my pills so they explode in my stomach instead of in my throat?

I mean we can do a lot of things in America. We can make medication to cure erectile dysfunction and allow Hugh Hefner to still keep 3 20 year old blondes happy when he is 80. We can even put a man on the moon (or put a man in a Hollywood sound stage and simulate putting a man on the moon for all you conspiracy theorists) so why can't they coat pills? ALL pills should be coated. Or chop the stuff up and shove it into a capsule.

So, pharmaceutical companies, you are officially advised that pills that arent coated are DEAD TO ME

08-09-2006, 12:09 PM
There are 5,999,999,942 people who are dead to me.
I'll bring them back...if you want.

No thanks, Jay dear. Leave them just where they are. No fair digging up corpses. It's so ... untidy ...

08-09-2006, 02:06 PM
8. Parents/Guardians who think it's cute when their kid run around in a restaurant are DEAD TO ME

I'm not talking about areas in a restaurant where this may be deemed appropriate, such as a McDonald's with a play place. I'm talking about slightly more upscale places that while they cater to families are still nicely carpeted with real wood tables and tablecloths. Do I really need little Johnny's boogers on this tablecloth? And where the heck are Suzie's folks when she's showing me her dolly?

Before I was a parent, this type of behavior simply aggravated me. Now that I am one, it p*sses me off. Yeah, I know kids get bored in restaurants; I also know that the kids want to run around, but damnit, you're the parent, set some limits already. Not everyone thinks this type of behavior is adorable and where the hell are the parents when this is happening?

I've seen them glance around to spot said child and say "Oh, isn't that so cute?" What the hell is so cute about a small child running around in a public place where he or she could get snagged up by strangers? What the hell is so cute about a kid who should be home because his or her cold has caused this child to sneeze all over my food? I bet these same parents wouldn't think it was so cute if I made them pay for my supper since I now had to reorder it. They were just danged lucky that the restaurant was willing to send me another dish for free because they were aware of the problem.

Here's a tip folks, if your kid needs to run around because he or she is so damned bored...take 'em outside for a few minutes and let them run around, supervised, on the nearest sidewalk or patch of grass. Trust me, people everywhere will be quietly thanking you as your kid neither sneezes on their food or screams their head off out of boredom. Don't worry, your waitstaff will keep your table for you if you let them know.

Otherwise, as far as I'm concerned, if you let your kid run around the restaurant unsupervised? You're DEAD TO ME.

08-09-2006, 05:16 PM
People who ask me to babysit and fail to tell me that their child is sick are dead to me.

I don’t mind doing favors for people, but I have four kids of my own and the last thing I need is to introduce the latest virus to them.

My darling sister-in-law, has a habit of dropping off her child and hurrying out the door. On certain occasions, my nephew has looked ill to me. When stopped and questioned about this, she says “Oh, he’s fine.” Then, in the doorway, as if it is just a small afterthought, she pauses and adds “You know, Jake did say he isn’t feeling too well, but it is no big deal.” My response, mentally anyway, “DAMN it, I knew it!” But what comes out of my mouth is far more bland, “What is wrong with him, does he have a fever?” My loving sister-in-law looks irritated that I’m keeping her so long and says, “Oh just a little one and he only threw up once. I’ve got to run. I’m late for work.” She rushes away before I can formulate a response, I’m slow with things like that.

The problem is, I would never send a sick child somewhere that would put other children in jeopardy, so someone does something like that, I simply don’t know what to say. (This is ignoring the fact that, if my child was sick, I would want to be with them and take care of them.) I set up the isolation ward, and take his temperature, 102 . . . That is a little fever? It’s time to administer the fever reducer. I do my best to herd the other children away from their beloved cousin, but nothing makes something as appealing to a child as making it off limits. They want to know why, and at three, my youngest son doesn’t get the concept of contagion, or of personal hygiene for that matter. ( I chase him around with a face cloth all day - He picked up his toffutti pop, from the dirt yesterday, and stuck it back in his mouth - yuck. :( )

It is inevitable . . . someone here is getting sick, and that means, we all are. Thank you once again, my dear sister-in-law, if you were not a single mom working to support your child I might kill you. I mean, is it really too much to ask that you at least be honest with me? Could you possibly ask your mother to watch him when he is sick? There is nothing worse than trying to take care of sick kids when you are running a 102 yourself. :(. (Just for background, I have watched my nephew, three to four days per week, for the last eight years as a favor. I love him, and I don’t mind watching him, but this makes me crazy.)

On a related note - people who send their kids to school with fevers, or other illnesses drive me up a wall. I know, I know, they may be working and need school as childcare, but still, it ticks me off. But what I really can’t stand, is when the other stay-at-home moms, send them in, when they know they are sick, because they just need a break. I can give them “break,” it may not be what they had in mind though. Who am I kidding, I’m the biggest wuss around:(.

So, because I hate being sick and I hate it when my kids are sick, people who send their kids to me, or to school, when they are ill are DEAD TO ME.

08-10-2006, 07:45 AM
Elton of Walmart is DEAD TO ME. Tonight I stopped off at my local Walmart to pick up a piece of fabric for a project I'm working on. That's where I met up with Elton. This guy is responsible for measuring and cutting the fabric. I walk up to the counter with the bolts of fabric I selected and tell old Elton how many yards I want. Elton is talking, but I don't understand what he's saying. Now, that isnt at all unusual for me since I'm hearing impaired and often don't understand what people are saying. However, I soon realized he really wasnt talking to me. Sticking inside his shirt is a cellphone clipped to the collar with the damn plug in his ear. While he is trying to measure my fabric, he is yakking away with his friend about going to some kind of a party. He miscounts the yardage of the fabric and starts to overcharge me. I argue with him. He glares at me and re-measures. Realizing I'm right. Elton can't seem to be able to add fractions. He can't figure out how 2 1/2 plus 1 1/2 equals four. However, I can deal with all of that. Obviously Elton isnt exactly a rocket scientist or he would be working for NASA and not Walmart. The real reason Elton is declared DEAD TO ME is the nasty little thing sticking out of his mouth. You know those white dental floss things that kind of look like a little tiny angels' harp? Well as Elton is talking to his friend and trying to figure out how to count to 4, one of those is hanging out of his mouth, and the dang thing is filthy dirty. Now, forgive me for being a picky person, but I not only don't want to know what the person who waits on me at Walmart is doing after work, I also most definitely do NOT want to know what kind of crud he has in between his teeth from lunch. It was all I could do to pick up my fabric and get my butt the hell out of there. Elton, you are damn lucky I was in a hurry or you just might have been walking out the door before me. It took all my self control to keep from finding myself the nearest manager and informing him of Elton's little dental problem. Therefore, Elton of Walmart is DEAD TO ME along with all other rude salespeople who seem to have a problem understanding the old adage "the customer is always right."

08-12-2006, 08:13 AM
Macy’s is DEAD TO ME. Years ago, when you wanted a blouse, you went to a department store. They had a department called “Better Blouses”. You went there and found the rack with your size on it. You searched through the rack, looking at all the blouses they had in your size, glancing at the pinned on price tags until you found one you liked. Then you bought it and went happily on your way.

Not so in Macy’s, The Miracle on 34th Street, anymore. Now, each designer has his own little nook or cranny in the store. If you want that blouse, you have to go from nook to cranny, checking out all the Ralph Lauren blouses, and then all the Calvin Klein’s and so on until you find a blouse that even comes close to the one you wanted. If you are lucky, there are two cashiers on the entire floor.

There is no such thing as sales staff on the floor anymore. Remember in the old days when the sales lady would happily walk over to help you, tape measure draped around her neck, and assist you in the dressing room? I cant even remember the last time I tried something on in a department store dressing room. By the time I wade through all the designers, and wait on the line to pay for something, half my day is gone. It’s easier to just take it home and try it on and return it if it doesn’t fit.

I liked it when all the pants were in one place. All the skirts were together. If you wanted sportswear, you went to a department called Sportswear. When I walk into Macy’s, I am so damn confused by all these little specialty nooks, that I usually run out screaming and head for the nearest TJ Maxx where I find what I want and it’s cheaper anyway.

Maybe people think it’s cool to shop by designer. Maybe people have a lot more time on their hands than I do, too. What do you do if you want a white blouse and your favorite designer Liz Claiborne only has pink ones in her line this year? Do you buy the pink one just because you are loyal to Liz or do you walk your feet off until you find what you want?

Bring back the old way. It worked so much better. Misses were in one place, Juniors in another and Plus sizes in yet another. And while I’m at it, since when is 12 a “plus size”? I think now we need a fourth department called Anorexics and Bulimics – sizes 0 and 00 only. The door to that department should be 12 inches wide. If you can’t through it, you have no damn business shopping in there.

Macys, you used to be so much nicer when you had Natalie Wood’s mother running the store. Now, it takes an entire day just to buy a doggone blouse. Is it any wonder people are turning to e-Bay in droves? Therefore, I officially declare Macy’s is DEAD TO ME and I pledge to avoid it at all costs. I’m not even going to watch their stupid parade anymore.