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unfabulousxox
07-30-2006, 02:19 AM
Make up a book title, and the next person will have to make up a summary of what the book would be about based on its title, then they make up a book title and so on...

EXAMPLE:

Me:
The Green Tomato Farm

Next Person:

A girl gets trapped on a green tomato farm and spends her whole life eating them while she conquers evil farmers

A LONG WAY DOWN A LONG ROAD

hjwilde
07-30-2006, 04:09 PM
Title: A Long Way Down a Long Road

Summary: The story of a woman walking across America from coast to coast to raise money for breast cancer.


New Title: The Cheese is Blue...

Unique
07-30-2006, 05:10 PM
Title: The Cheese is Blue

Summary: New scientific exploration of the moon proves that the moon is NOT made of green cheese; the cheese is blue.

New Title: The Velvet Cage

unfabulousxox
07-30-2006, 09:32 PM
Title: The Velvet Cage

Summary: A very spoiled Cat realizes how lucky he is when his prized Velvet cage is stolen, he then travels the world looking for it when it.

New Title: Arrowhead lake and the Small Cabin

PattiTheWicked
07-30-2006, 09:35 PM
A lonely little log cabin roams the suburbs, looking for a place to fit in, but finally finds his place in the world at remote Arrowhead Lake.

New Title: Sex, Pies, and the Muffin Man

persiphone_hellecat
07-31-2006, 12:24 AM
Sex,Pies and the Muffin Man

A morbidly obese 40 year old male virgin seeks out a gastroentrologist to perform stomach stapling surgery and end his obsession with lemon merangue pie and chocolate chip muffins. Sadly, he ends up with a serious sex addiction.

Brick by Brick

NightWynde
07-31-2006, 12:26 AM
Sex, Pies, and the Muffin Man

The Muffin Man (the one that lives on Drury Lane) and Little Jack Horner get entangled in a bizarre sex scandal involving Little Miss Muffet (Oh, so that's what a tuffet is!)


New Title: The Night I Dreamed of Pretzels and Woke Up in a Salty Mood

persiphone_hellecat
07-31-2006, 02:34 AM
The Night I Dreamed of Pretzels and Woke Up in a Salty Mood

While on vacation in Germany, an American meets a milkmaid and a chiropractor at an Oktoberfest and spends a month going through the various positions in the Kama Sutra one by one

Brick by Brick

unfabulousxox
07-31-2006, 03:11 AM
Brick by Brick

A man has an awful dream that he has to help rebuild the Great Wall of China, the new wall will be made of brick and he has to lay them down by hand. Then, he finds out he is not helping, he has to do it all by himself.

New Title: The Tiny Island with One Tree

MizzVyxen
07-31-2006, 04:24 AM
The Tiny Island with One Tree

The tragic story of one tree's lonliness. After living alone as the sole tree on an island in the South Pacific, years of crying have allowed the sea to swallow this once vast island. Will the tree pull it together before it's too late?

The Naughty Girl's Guide to Canning Fruit

persiphone_hellecat
07-31-2006, 05:00 AM
Christina Aguilera demonstrates various ways to can and preserve fruit - starting with her very own cherrry

Wake Me When It's Over

MizzVyxen
07-31-2006, 05:21 AM
EUWWWWW!!!!! LOL:)

Wake Me When It's Over : The Katie Holmes Story


When Elementary Teachers Rule the World

persiphone_hellecat
07-31-2006, 05:26 AM
At the end of the third world war, the only survivors over the age of 18 are a kindergarten teacher from Oshkosh Wisconsin and a third grade teacher from Kalamazoo Michigan. They take over the world and replace the Bible with Eats Shoots and Leaves...

Under the Hawaiian Sun

MizzVyxen
07-31-2006, 05:31 AM
Under the Hawaiian Sun

Young lovers meet at the base of Mona Loa and make a suicide pact that will change the lives of no one in particular.

I Was a Teenage Piccolo

persiphone_hellecat
07-31-2006, 05:36 AM
A young girl with a serious eating disorder loses so much weight that she becomes as thin as a flute. When she is caught in the crossfire of a gang war during a tornado, the wind whistles through her recreating the precise piccolo solo in Stars and Stripes Forever


Office Wars

MizzVyxen
07-31-2006, 05:41 AM
Office Wars

Sure, Jack Danvers may be a CEO, but he's also a corporate whipping post - a laughing stock among his peers. Fed up, he decides to kick *** and take names. Drawing inspiration from Bull Durham, he decides that wearing women's underwear is the answer to all of his problems.

MizzVyxen
07-31-2006, 05:42 AM
oops -

The Thunder Down Under

persiphone_hellecat
07-31-2006, 05:51 AM
During a violent storm in Sydney Au, a bolt of lightnening strikes the Sydney Opera House, setting it adrift in the Pacific Ocean with the cast of La Boheme still inside. After two months adrift, Pavaroti eats them all.

Suzie Sells Sea Shells

MizzVyxen
07-31-2006, 05:55 AM
A Users Guide to Overcoming Speech Impediments

A Million Little Lies

unfabulousxox
07-31-2006, 05:58 AM
A Million Little Lies:
James Freys Sequel to his first book.

The Childrens Treehouse

persiphone_hellecat
07-31-2006, 06:07 AM
The Children's Treehouse ...

Three children build a treehouse in the back of their parent's Beverly Hills home and later sell it for 1.2 million -- starting them in the wonderful world of high priced California real estate.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

NightWynde
07-31-2006, 02:25 PM
Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Wile E. Coyote blows the whistle on Acme Corporation.

New title:
I was a Teenaged Nincompoop

MizzVyxen
07-31-2006, 03:57 PM
I was a Teenaged Nincompoop

One author's harrowing tale of self-discovery and the frank admission that he never really grew out of it, by George W. Bush.


The Cat's Meow

persiphone_hellecat
07-31-2006, 10:03 PM
The Cat's Meow

A recently found story by Edgar Allen Poe ... a stray black cat lurks arond the town of Walla Walla, Washington. Whenever it is heard to meow, someone unexpectedly dies. Since the population of Walla Walla is very small, it's a very short story.

Things My Husband Taught Me

NightWynde
08-01-2006, 12:13 AM
Things My Husband Taught Me:

A book full of blank pages that becomes a national bestseller.

New Title:
A Drunken Panda Named JoJo

persiphone_hellecat
08-01-2006, 12:27 AM
A Drunken Panda Named JoJo

A lovable little panda named JoJo discovers the wonders of saki and
Geisha girls and escapes from the zoo - moving to an okiya in Kyoto and spending all his yen on wine women -- but not having enough for the song

perky_ms_d
08-01-2006, 12:47 PM
No titles for a summary?????

Nymphet's Call

Tre
08-01-2006, 06:38 PM
Nymphet's Call

When the lead dog comes down with mange, Nymphet, an inexperience young fox hound, must lead the pack in the hunt of her life.

Why didn't you tell me?

persiphone_hellecat
08-01-2006, 10:55 PM
Why Didn't You Tell Me?

The story of Jennifer Lopez finally discovering a full length mirror and seeing her a$$ for the first time.

The Cowgirl's Guide to Sex

Tre
08-01-2006, 11:04 PM
The Cowgirl's Guide to Sex

While out on the range a group of cowgirls teach a band of rustlers the real uses for lariats, chaps and spurs.

A Lemon Called Bruce

persiphone_hellecat
08-01-2006, 11:08 PM
Oh baby!! LOL

A Lemon Called Bruce

A Valley Girl who like names all her stuffed animals and stuff buys a used Hundai from a dealership in Santa Monica. She promptly names it Bruce after her father who actually paid for it. As she and her friends cruise the malls in Southern California in search of La Perla thongs on sale, they encounter problem after problem with the car, prompting her to take the dealer to small claims court where she represents herself. The judge laughs the case out of court.

Bradley and The Magic Viola

Tre
08-01-2006, 11:48 PM
Bradley and The Magic Viola

Bradley inherits a magical instrument from his uncle. Unfortunately, his speech empediment prevents him from getting his wishes.

The Republicans Guide to Intertexture

persiphone_hellecat
08-02-2006, 01:09 AM
The Republicans Guide to Intertexture

Jeb Bush and John Mc Cain demonstrate how weave on a loom. Jeb shows you his weft and John shows you his warp.

The Nun's Secret Habit

NightWynde
08-02-2006, 02:13 AM
The Nun's Secret Habit

One Sister's confession about her double-life as a drug-addicted prostitute.


New Title:

Hack, hack, Cough, Spew & Butterflies

Mallika
08-02-2006, 02:25 AM
Hack, hack, Cough, Spew & Butterflies

The tale of a thirty-year-old butterfly collector who, after contracting a sore throat and hacking cough, finds love in the arms of a eye-nose-throat doctor -- only to have a giant homicidal monarch butterfly stand in the way of their bliss.


New one:

Peaches and Cream

persiphone_hellecat
08-02-2006, 02:26 AM
Hack, Hack, Cough, Spew and Butterflies

On a butterfly hunting expedition to the South American Rainforests, a man is bitten by a rare breed of beetle and develops a really annoying cough. With no drug store nearby to pick up some Robitussen, the natives offer him a home made cure and he dies just before the rest of the group discovers the rare South American Bat Butterfly.

Cover Me in Roses

persiphone_hellecat
08-02-2006, 02:28 AM
Peaches and Cream/Cover Me in Roses

A two-part romance novel about Duane Allman's fatal motorcycle accident

The Inn of the Clock

unfabulousxox
08-02-2006, 07:22 AM
The Inn of the Clock

A man gets lost in a mysterious town and ends up staying at an Inn in the shape of a giant Clock, inside he hears the tunes "Be my guest....be my guest..." and a man thats looks like a candlestick dancing around with some lady that resembled a teapot.

persiphone_hellecat
08-02-2006, 07:28 AM
New title Fab?

persiphone_hellecat
08-04-2006, 10:44 AM
Since no one added a new title -- here's one.

The Clandestine Clown

byElizabeth
08-05-2006, 12:49 AM
Summary: Tragedy befalls when a gaggle of clowns is found holding a secret ceremony below the circus tent.

New Title:
Dover

persiphone_hellecat
08-05-2006, 01:07 AM
Dover

A ferry crossing the English Channel suddenly vanishes in plain sight of the White Cliffs of Dover, leaving the locals to begin to believe that in addition to the Bermuda Triangle, there is an English/French Line where boats mysteriously vanish. It's great news for the shuttle planes.

The Valley of the Macabre UPS Drivers

Tre
08-05-2006, 01:32 AM
The Valley of the Macabre UPS Drivers

When Amazon.com builds a new distribution center on the edge of Mac's Valley, NV, things turn sinister in the tiny hamlet. The bodies of townspeople start turning up in abandon mines, strangled with packing tape and covered in bar codes. Plucky, young detective Trish Lawrence goes undercover as a UPS driver to try a get to the bottom of the mystery.

New title:

Hurry home Little Hope

byElizabeth
08-05-2006, 01:41 AM
A story of friendship...strength...and ultimately love. Follow the journey of the sister of Stewart Little in the lyrical style of a debut writer...buy it now Hurry Home Little Hope.

New Title:
The Grinning Gardener

persiphone_hellecat
08-05-2006, 02:11 AM
The Grinning Gardner teaches you how to leave the weeds alone - giving you more time for things like drinking, sex and partying. That's why he's grinning.

The Absence of Miss Kelly

Tre
08-05-2006, 02:29 AM
The Absence of Miss Kelly

In this moving sequel to Miss Kelly Is A What?!, the townspeople of Green Gherkin try to heal their shattered lives, realizing in the process that driving the transexual math teacher, Miss Kelly, out of town did not solve their problems of faith.

New title:

If Only You Loved Me

persiphone_hellecat
08-05-2006, 06:46 AM
If Only You Loved Me

The story of Charles and Camilla's long term relationship, with complete transcripts of their little "chats" including the part about the Prince of Wales wanting to be a feminine hygiene product and Camilla's evil plot to become Queen and ruler of the British Empire.

The Secret Teapot

NightWynde
08-05-2006, 01:29 PM
The Secret Teapot

After his 10th sequel to Raiders of the Lost Ark, senility has led Indiana Jones to believe that there is, indeed, a Secret Teapot. After an action sequence involving wheelchairs and snakes, Bingo is called and then it's naptime.

Headache Mania

persiphone_hellecat
08-05-2006, 11:51 PM
Ohhh Night Wynde! I cant wait for the movie!

Headache Mania

One morning, everyone in Cobbler's Cove Maine suddenly wakes up with a violent headache. Unbeknownst to them, the evil Dr. Phil has constructed a new high powered TV antenna nearby, allowing him to broadcast his program world-wide. The book ends with the antenna being torn down and Dr. Phil being torn to pieces by the angry residents.

Five Angry Dwarves

arrowqueen
08-06-2006, 01:03 AM
'Five Angry Dwarves.'

Jealous, when Snow White sets up a menage a trois with Doc and Happy, the others plot a horrendous revenge.

'There's a waiter in my soup.'

persiphone_hellecat
08-06-2006, 01:22 AM
There's a Waiter in My Soup

The famous "Soup Nazi" from Seinfeld opens a soup restaurant. When a waiter delivers a bowl of soup to a patron holding the bowl with his thumb inside the bowl, he is taken to the kitchen and hacked to death with a meat cleaver.

Days and Nights With Elmer Fudd

Tre
08-06-2006, 02:09 AM
Days and Nights With Elmer Fudd

Reminiscent of the Roman Polanski film Repulsion, a sexually repressed young beauty watches the Cartoon Network until she slowly goes insane with surreal fantasies of seduction and rape. Will she kill da wabbit?

Lighting the Candle at Both Ends

persiphone_hellecat
08-06-2006, 03:18 AM
Lighting the Candle at Both Ends

Satanic priest by night, Baptist minister by day, Harley-Joe Fenster's double life is a secret to everyone until one day when his wife Brenda-Sue accidently finds a pentagram hidden in a false bottom of his handkerchief drawer. Brenda-Sue follows him one night, and heartbreakingly witnesses the Satanic ritual that involves the coupling of Harley-Joe and her best friend Bobby-Lou Johnson. The secret ceremony takes place at a Motel 6 out near the highway.


The Red Cumberbund

Tre
08-07-2006, 08:09 AM
The Red Cumberbund

An unsuspecting actress travels to Devon to star in a period drama, unaware that the director is a homicidal psychopath bent on revenge against her father. Things quickly appear to go awry: spotlights fall, mysterious fires start, real swords are used. Is she imagining it all or is this really a snuff film?

What Happens in the Forest, Stays in the Forest

unfabulousxox
08-07-2006, 08:16 AM
What Happens in the Forest, stays in the forest

A family goes camping and unknowingly, the parents reveal a deep dark secret about the family. Unfortunately we will never know what it was.

The Librarian and the cup of coffee

persiphone_hellecat
08-07-2006, 08:32 AM
The Librarian and the Cup of Coffee

A mysterious cup of coffee appears on the librarian's desk while she is shelving books. She assumes it was left there by a co-worker and drinks it. It immediately turns her into a different person - one who is loud and lusty. When an innocent patron of the library tries to check out a book, she rips off her demure white blouse, revealing a black leather bra and says loudly and seductively, "Wouldnt you rather check these out instead?"

The Ice Hockey Murders

Tre
08-07-2006, 09:34 AM
The Ice Hockey Murders

Tonya Harding and her ex-husband Jeff are reunited in a murderous attempt to secure her a place on The Mighty Ducks. Inspired by true events!

Wake Me When You're Gone

persiphone_hellecat
08-07-2006, 09:36 AM
Wake Me When You're Gone

America goes on a sleeping strike until Karl Rove and his puppet George Bush leave the White House.


The Haunted Water Cooler

NightWynde
08-07-2006, 01:03 PM
The Haunted Water Cooler


After coming back from maternity leave, a woman is placed at a desk near the water cooler. Annoyed by the constant gossip and beliefs that she gives a damn about their conversations, she starts murdering them one by one...until...one of them comes back to haunt her. Is it me, or does this water taste funny? EEK! It has ectoplasm in it!


Chain Smokin' and Smokin' Chains

Tre
08-07-2006, 02:54 PM
Chain Smokin' and Smokin' Chains

In a story wrought with danger, courage, and the celebration of personal freedom Chain Smokin' and Smokin' Chains follows Special Agent Phillip Morris as he goes undercover in a daring effort to free the last 12 smokers in California from a re-education camp.

Tadpoles in the Rain

persiphone_hellecat
08-08-2006, 12:26 AM
Tadpoles in the Rain

A children's book about three little tadpoles who disobey the mommy frog and go out without their galoshes and umbrellas and get stuck in the rain. What their mother never told them was they live in Oz and they are wicked tadpoles and they promptly melt into a green gooey mess. Moral of the story: Always listen to your mother expecially if you are a wicked Ozian tadpole.

Winnie the Pooh Meets The Marquis de Sade

arrowqueen
08-08-2006, 12:45 AM
Winnie the Pooh Meets The Marquis de Sade.

After reading 'Justine' and '40 Days of Sodom.' Eeyore turns into a crazed sadist. The next time Winnie the Pooh gets stuck in a doorway after eating too much 'hunney', Eeyore beats him about the bottom with Piglet.

'Dinner for Three.'

persiphone_hellecat
08-08-2006, 01:03 AM
Dinner for Three...

A romance novel. Jenny Sullivan's mother is so interested in making sure she marries just the "right man", she goes on all Jenny's dates with her. When Jenny meets Jose Garcia, he takes the two ladies out for a lobster dinner and the opera. The catch is he expects them both to "put out" afterwards...

The Knight and the Sign of the Pumpkin

byElizabeth
08-08-2006, 01:41 AM
The Knight and the Sign of the Pumpkin: A knight wades in the darkness...lurking around pumpkin patches...shirking his duties to the royal court. He's looking for a sign...any sign that will bring him too his true love.

New Title: Fiona's Treat

persiphone_hellecat
08-08-2006, 03:27 AM
Fiona's Treat

Scullery maid, Fiona is thrilled one day when she is called upon to take a tray of wine and victuals to the Lord of the Manor. When she realizes she has forgotten to bring dessert, she comes up with a little treat of her own for the Master.

There's No Place Like Walla Walla Washington.

arrowqueen
08-09-2006, 01:35 AM
'There's No Place Like Walla Walla Washington.'

An exciting tale of his travels and adventures in Walla Walla, written by well-known author, James Frey.

Unfortunately, upon closer investigation, it turns out that Walla Walla doesn't actually exist and that the title is indeed correct.

persiphone_hellecat
08-09-2006, 03:28 AM
Rejection is Nature's Way of Telling You to Write Better

A "how to" book written by Ed Kachinski - an editor at Doubleday who holds the world's record for rejecting the most manuscripts. He is known for rejecting authors like Patterson, Kuntz, Danielle Steele and pretty much every one else. The book sells 2 copies - and that's to his parents.

Outside the Box

NightWynde
08-09-2006, 12:57 PM
Outside the Box

Realizing that arrowqueen forgot to post a title in a thread forum, persiphone hellcat thinks outside the box and snags the sig line for a new title and runs with it. It's a best seller I tell ya!

Smart Alecky Kitty Cats

persiphone_hellecat
08-10-2006, 12:51 AM
Smart Alecky Kitty Cats

A group of high school girls decide to form their own version of the ***** Cat Dolls. Unfortunately, they find they can't sing very well, but the costumes come in very handy on the corner of Broadway and 42nd Street when they meet up with Geraldo Johnson, a pimp from the Bronx with a cadillac and a grille (on his teeth -- not on the car)

Roses on Her Grave

arrowqueen
08-10-2006, 03:44 AM
'Roses on her Grave'

A touching romance where two lonely people get together only to be parted by death. Unfortunately, in the final chapter, we discover that the so-called hero, by sending his new wife flowers every week, has in fact sent her sneezing to her grave via chronic hay-fever - and run off with the insurance money.

My Friend, Tiddles.

persiphone_hellecat
08-10-2006, 06:53 AM
My Friend Tiddles

A touching memoir about a elderly man and his elderly dog Tiddles - whose full name is Tiddles Always Piddles. One of the key characters in the book is the local Stanley Steamer carpet cleaning guy who drops by once a month or so to deodorize the wall to wall carpeting and befriend the elderly couple. When the man dies, he leaves everything - including the dog - to the carpet cleaning guy who has the dog put to sleep and runs off to the Bahamas with a hot blonde from his bookkeeping dept.

Sometimes the Postman Only Rings Once

NightWynde
08-10-2006, 04:20 PM
Sometimes the Postman Only Rings Once


Edgar, a rather forgetful postman, not only forgets to ring the doorbell more than once but also mixes up the mail. Hilarity ensues as the prudish old gal in Apt. #356 gets a brown paper package and likes what she finds.

Silly Newbies, Rules are for Kids

persiphone_hellecat
08-10-2006, 10:18 PM
Silly Newbies, Rules are for Kids

A book about posting on the AW board. Unfortunately it was edited by Jenna and most of the good stuff got deleted.

The Curling Iron Murders

arrowqueen
08-11-2006, 01:52 AM
The Curling Iron Murders.

Edmund Morris, Professor Emeritus of English at Oxford University is driven to insanity by crimes against the language committed by hair salons with names like:
'Curl up and Dye'; 'The Mane Chance' and 'Short and Curlies.'

He embarks on a rampage of revenge, using the tools of the hair-dressing trade as implements of murder. You would not believe the atrocities this man can commit, armed only with a curling iron and a set of Carmen Rollers.

Not for the faint-hearted.

********

Forget Mars, Men are really from Uranus.

persiphone_hellecat
08-11-2006, 02:50 AM
Excellent job arrowqueen!

Forget Mars, Men are really from Uranus.

Written by Carson Kresley of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the rest is actually self explanatory.

The First Rider of the Apocalypse

arrowqueen
08-12-2006, 03:31 AM
The First Rider of the Apocalypse.

The First Rider of the Apocalypse, Warringtom Ponsonby-Smythe 111 ('War' to his chums) arrives far too early. Fed up with minor fracas that drag on forever, yet fail to lead to the end of the world, he takes up polo instead.

This book follows his career as he becomes the world's best player by maiming most of his opponents - and eloping with Paris Hilton at the end of the tourament.

************
Tea at the Ritz.

persiphone_hellecat
08-12-2006, 04:26 AM
Tea at the Ritz

Alexis, a budding young teenager is invited to join her grandmother the Duchess of Wallingford for Tea at the Ritz. The young girl is shocked to learn that back in the 60's, Gramma was known as Goldie of "Share a little tea with Goldie" on the Smothers Brothers Show and that "tea" was actually another word for marijuana.

The Mysterious Waterfront Warehouse Fire

Tre
08-12-2006, 08:23 AM
The Mysterious Waterfront Warehouse Fire

In a world of mob violence and corruption amongst longshoremen, Everyman Reynolds tries to find solace and balance, while surmounting his unfortunate moniker. When he finds an unpublished screenplay by Budd Schulberg in the ashes of a suspicious fire, he is drawn into a mystery as dark as the warehouses on the waterfront. Oh yeah, there's a girl in it too.

Can Flies Learn?

persiphone_hellecat
08-12-2006, 11:07 AM
Can Flies Learn?

Written by famous Entomologist Fred Farkel, this book answers the question "can flies learn?" Working with a group of Musca domestica, common houseflies, Dr. Farkel attempted to teach them to respond to various commands. After nearly 30 days, he was able to teach his favorite fly, Elmer, to actually transverse a maze in order to obtain nutrition in the form of a lump of sugar. Unfortunately, the average lifespan of a Musca domestica is 30 days and the day after he accomplished the feat, Dr. Farkel found his beloved friend Elmer lying feet up on the windowsill of his laboratory. Elmer's mate Ernestine met with a similar fate when Mrs. Farkel came into the lab one day, screaming, "Fred, if you didnt leave food laying around, you wouldnt have this fly problem", promptly swatting poor Ernestine with a July 2005 copy of Entomology Today, tragically ending her life just before she, too, was able to transverse the maze. Dr. Farkel's conclusion is yes, flies can learn, however they rarely life long enough to use their newfound knowledge.

You Couldn't Afford Me

Tre
08-12-2006, 11:21 AM
LOL!! :roll: ^5 Persi! Flies really seem to be able to learn, I pick up the swatter and they disappear!

You Couldn't Afford Me

An exquisite limited edition, bound in gold deerskin with hand-colored plates. What's it about? Who cares, you can't afford it.

The Eunuchs Skate Away

persiphone_hellecat
08-12-2006, 11:30 AM
The Eunuch Skate Away ...

Johnny Weir finally tells the truth about those nasty rumors that he is gay, and at the same time blows the lid off Men's Olympic Figure Skating's dirty little secret. It seems that with a male's typical "bulge" those skating costumes just don't fit well, and also the testicles make it difficult to complete the quad jumps, whipping around during the four rotations so rapidly that when the body comes to rest, the testicles go for about another half rotation, resulting in loss of balance. Hence, the dirty little secret is that most really successful male figure skaters sacrifice their testicles for the sake of their sport. The next time you watch male figure skating, look closely. You will see that there is no ... package ... where one should normally be. The result of this revelation is bigger than the Barry Bonds steroid scandal -- forcing figure skaters not only to have to pass drug tests, but also strip searches.

The Voices in My Head Don't Like Each Other

Tre
08-12-2006, 11:57 AM
The Voices in My Head Don't Like Each Other

They don't like you either! In a world desperate to be categorized, a young man exploits his borderline personality disorder to create a musical based on the DSM-IV-TR. Will he be able to bring the project to fruition before the Haldol kicks in? Oh yeah, there's a girl in it too.

The Full Admiral Gave Me His Star

NightWynde
08-12-2006, 05:03 PM
The Full Admiral Gave Me His Star

A tell-all biography to blow the lid off of other tell-all biographies, it starts with a night of indiscretion which culminates in political intrigue and a court trial which ends with a double agent remarking (after a full admiral is revealed to be at the top of the scandal): "Well, I guess you could say the full admiral gave me his star."

Cheesy Movies and Whining

Tre
08-12-2006, 11:10 PM
Cheesy Movies and Whining

In this light-hearted farce, a blind sommelier is hired as a consultant for a film based on the hi-jinks of two small vineyards completing for the annual prize of "Most Bitchin' Bordeaux". On location in Medoc, things quickly go awry when the sommelier mistakes a bottle of 1953 Chateau Margaux for a wheel of Rochefort. Can the crew find the precious bottle before the producers arrive? Oh yeah, there's a girl in it too.

The Trees Are Burning Because I Hate You

persiphone_hellecat
08-13-2006, 05:12 AM
The Trees Are Burning Because I Hate You.

Norman Bates' younger brother Mikey isn't too fond of mom either. Mikey has a penchant for pyromania and expresses his displeasure with his lousy childhood by starting forest fires all across the southwest. He chooses forest fires because he recalls the times his mother made him sit through Bambi and now he wants to see the damn deer and his little skunk and rabbit friends toasted.

Welcome to College

NightWynde
08-13-2006, 11:51 AM
Welcome to College

An independent art film that uses ever-draining color and abstract symbolism to represent one poor soul's life draining away as he tries to get in A in Advanced physics while simultaneously participating in frat parties.

My Life, As it Were

Tre
08-13-2006, 10:27 PM
My Life, As it Were (AUDIOBOOK)

Already compared by critics to Proust's In Search of Lost Time, This soon to be classic, sensitive coming of age autobiography, reveals the pain and unhappiness of an alienated twelve-year-old as she explores her subconscious mind, and the formative experiences of childhood; narrated by Fran Drescher.

Fear of Toast

persiphone_hellecat
08-13-2006, 10:34 PM
Fear of Toast

After a piece of toast got stuck in the toaster and five year old Marcus tried to retrieve it using a fork, knocking him onto the floor unconscious, the child developed an unnatural fear of toast, English Muffins, toasted bagels and other assorted toasted items. His psychiatrist cured him by having him watch the diner scene with Jack Nicholson ordering toast in the movie Five Easy Pieces.

Where No Woman Has Gone Before

arrowqueen
08-14-2006, 12:58 AM
Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

The exciting story of Millicent Ardbuckle's adventures as she crosses the length and breadth of America, with her husband Stanley.

Admittedly she only wanted to go to the corner store for a loaf and some milk - but you know what men are like about asking directions.

*********

Cowboy Boots and Silk Stockings.

Tre
08-14-2006, 01:25 AM
Cowboy Boots and Silk Stockings

In this long anticipated sequel to The Cowgirl's Guide to Sex, the CowGrrls are back with a vengence! Fighting off outlaws to protect the family ranch, they accidently learn the dark secret of Hop Along Clyde, leader of the rustlers. Combining elements of Shane and Brokeback Mountain this action-filled drama leaves the reader breathless! When indians attack, Hop Along Clyde joins the CowGrrls, but is forced to choose between a six shooter and six inch heels.

The Pirate Wears Prada

NightWynde
08-14-2006, 02:06 AM
The Pirate Wears Prada


Tired of cavorting around the Caribbean, Jack Sparrow takes a much needed break to go shopping in modern day Beverly Hills. Finding the perfect dress and pumps to match, Jack heads off to Hollywood with the intention of making it as a drag queen pirate in Prada. Unfortunately, he's killed before he gets the chance and the shooter decries, "I just didn't like him looking better in Prada then I did!"


Frankfurter Surprise

persiphone_hellecat
08-14-2006, 02:47 AM
Frankfurter Surprise

Martha Stewart is back, finally writing her memoirs of her time behind bars and on the state of women's prison in general. I haven't read the whole book yet, but according to the liner notes, the title has something to do with an event in the showers on her first night there. I didnt know they served dinner in the showers. Shrugs.

The Peacock Stampede

Tre
08-14-2006, 04:39 AM
The Peacock Stampede

"Eeeee-yawk! Eeeee-yawk!" The eerie cry of a lone peacock pierces the darkness in the opening of this neogothic masterpiece. Set on the grounds of a crumbling Savannah estate, PETA terrorists infiltrate a disgruntled ostentation of peacocks, convincing them to rise up against their masters.

Silver Cups, Twine and Mutton

persiphone_hellecat
08-14-2006, 04:48 AM
Silver Cups, Twine and Mutton

A previously undiscovered memoir written by the Marquis de Sade detailing the time he threw a dinner party where the guests gorged on mutton, served on top of naked nubile women bound with twine. Silver cups of wine was served by naked eunuchs wearing bow ties. My kind of party!

Eight Forty Nine Sunday Evening

NightWynde
08-14-2006, 11:52 AM
Eight Forty Nine Sunday Evening


In what could arguably be called the most boring literary epic ever written, the same guy that wrote the manual for my computer explores a single minute of his life. Why this particular minute is anybody's guess. The frightening part is that there are rumors of a sequel called "Eight Fifty Sunday Evening."

Diary of a Writer's Keyboard

persiphone_hellecat
08-14-2006, 08:49 PM
Diary of a Writers Keyboard.

A sad tale of abuse and neglect. Chapters include the time the writer spilled Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper all over it. The keyboard laments that inside, it is loaded with dust because the writer is too cheap to buy one of those keyboard vacuums, but perhaps the saddest part is the keyboard's description of wasting away. Already, its A, S, N. M, L keys are blank and C, E, O and D are fading fast along with . , and ". Fortunately, ; is still bright and shiny because the author purchased "Eats Shoots and Leaves" but never bothered to read it, so she leaves the colon placement to her editor. Fortunately the writer types very well so the blank keys don't bother her, however the keyboard fears one day being replaced by one of those Microsoft ergonomic ones.

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

arrowqueen
08-15-2006, 01:35 AM
99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

The long-awaited prequel to 'A Million Little Pieces' telling of the pivotal moment in Frey's life when he lost his innocence, and gave into alcoholism, by drinking the eponymous beers of the title.

Alas. Alack. It was all downhill after that. All the way to Oprah and the bank.

*********

There's an Elephant in my Knicker Drawer.

PattiTheWicked
08-15-2006, 01:55 AM
There's an Elephant in my Knicker Drawer

This long-lost manuscript was found by Jane Austen's gread-grandson, and is only now being published for readers. Hannah Goodspeed is a vicar's daughter in the village of Puddly Wash, who spends her days embroidering and her evenings trying to avoid the attentions of a meddlesome aunt. One day, a mysterious duke passes through Puddly Wash, and upon his departure Hannah finds something very interesting -- and quite scandalous -- in her knicker drawer. Fearful of being cast out of country society, Hannah goes to great lengths to return the Big Gray Surprise to the errant Duke, and along the way, happens to catch a husband.


The Short List

NightWynde
08-15-2006, 02:43 AM
The Short List

A series of really short books including: folks Madonna hasn't slept with, books Barbara Bauer has legitimately agented, and Congressmen who haven't been indicted for one thing or another.

My Mousepad or Yours?

persiphone_hellecat
08-15-2006, 05:55 AM
My Mousepad or Yours?

A novice's guide to cyber sex. It includes information on cyber rules such as 1) No matter what you're wearing, all women should say they're wearing a black negligee and all men should say they are naked. 2) If you inquire as to your partner's "size" the correct formula to determine the correct length is to divide by 2.5 then deduct 1/2 inch. 3) Remember that the cyber surgeon general has issued a warning that cyber smoking after cyber sex is hazardous to your cyber health. 4) Never say BRB at the critical "moment" 5) 99% of those cute 18 year old girls you are chatting with are fat old men sitting alone in double-wides. This book is highly recommended by Sue Johansson.


The Curse of the Frozen Eskimo

Tre
08-15-2006, 06:01 AM
The Curse of the Frozen Eskimo

Eskimos have over a thousand words for snow, but no word for murder. Too bad. When Auk-Auk, the fastest dog-sledder in his village is found clubbed like a baby seal, no one can talk about it. Will the villagers ever figure out a way to tell the authorities?

Take Your Breath Away

persiphone_hellecat
08-15-2006, 06:15 AM
Take Your Breath Away

Dr. Joe Yokum is a dentist who is burned out. Tired of patients being afraid of him, he decides to give them something to really be afraid of. He begins replacing nitrous oxide with carbon dioxide. Unfortunately eventually he gets caught when he runs out of places to hide the bodies.

The Other Side of the Moon

NightWynde
08-15-2006, 11:04 AM
The Other Side of the Moon


Semi-autobiographical novel about the semi-famous nerd-who-was-always-depantsed in high school and how he grew up to become a flasher. The title comes from his semi-famous quote "To all the kids who picked on me in high school, you now seen the other side of the moon!"


Who am I and Where Has My Life Gone?

persiphone_hellecat
08-15-2006, 11:20 AM
Who am I and Where Has My Life Gone?

Written by Samantha Summerfield, that hot new romance novelist, this is a romance novel -- Amanda Farrington is injured in a car accident returning home from college to marry her high school sweetheart Mike Nickerson. When she wakes from her coma, she has no memory of Mike, her family, or the wedding. However, she does have eyes for Dr. Ted Duncan, the hunky young neurologist who is her doctor. When her memory returns, Amanda fakes still having amnesia so she can stay in the hospital and work on landing the hot young doctor. However, she is crushed when she learns her sister Heather has been dating Ted and he is about to propose. Should Amanda settle for Mike? Or should she fight for Ted -- even at the cost of losing her sister's love? Should Mike stand by his fiance loyally or pursue the hot nurse with the big boobs on the third floor of the hospital? Should Heather stand by and watch her sister make eyes at her boyfriend or should she just get the nurse with the big boobs to put a little something in her sister's IV? Does Ted really love Amanda? Why hasnt he noticed the nurse with the big boobs? Is he secretly after Mike? Does anyone really care? And what about Amanda's parents? Will they stay together and overcome this tragedy or will Amanda's mother run off with the bartender from the country club? Coming to Harlequin Romances - next month - $7.95 at a grocery store near you. Check out Fabio in a white lab coat on the cover as Dr. Ted. Look for Samantha's next novel --

If Only I Could See You Again

expatbrat
08-16-2006, 02:39 PM
Brilliant Genie U Ess took “fun as poking a stick in your eye” to the extreme. If only I could see you again is Genie’s journey from stupid kid to stupid adult, written by one of the most stupid people to put fingers to key board this year.


Book of the year – a novel.

Tre
08-16-2006, 09:40 PM
Book of the Year – A Novel

Performance artist, Laurie Harrison, enters the world of literature in this daring debut novel. Written entirely without punctuation or a discernable subject, the book appears to detail a year in the life of a completely uninteresting woman, who never leaves her apartment. Designed to be read in real time, the book takes the reader one year to finish, but the result is a rewarding exaltation that it is about someone else.

The Pigeons of Monte Cristo

persiphone_hellecat
08-17-2006, 04:41 AM
The Pigeons of Monte Cristo

The Comic Book version of the Count of Monte Cristo. In this version, Dantes returns to Marseilles as The Count of Monte Cristo determined to get even with those who betrayed him. But he doesnt return alone. Like the Birdman of Alcatraz, while in jail, Dantes has befriended a flock of pigeons, sharing his meagre rations with them. They follow him to Marseilles and help him seek revenge by leaving droppings on their carriages.

Where Shall I Go? What Shall I Do?

arrowqueen
08-18-2006, 01:26 AM
Where Shall I Go? What Shall I Do?

This handy self-help book is indispensible for the traveller who lacks that all-important sense of direction.

Learn such useful phrases as:

'Help! Help! I am lost!'
'Where's my hotel?'
'Do you have an American/Canadian/British Embassy?'
'Why did I ever come to this God-forsaken country?'

in 18 different languages.

An absolute must for those who really should have stayed at home.

*******

The Gambler of Love.

persiphone_hellecat
08-18-2006, 01:33 AM
The Gambler of Love

Another romance novel from our girl Samantha Summerfield. Bob Dixon meets Annie Roberts at the final table of the 2006 World Series of Poker. When they end up the last two players at the table, Rob goes all in with a pair of aces in the hole. Annie checks with a jack, king off suit and catches a second king on the flop. When she catches a third king on the turn, she wins a million dollars and a fancy gold and diamond bracelet. After the tournament, Rob asks her out to dinner. They begin a romance that ends one morning when Annie wakes up in the High Roller Suite at the Bellagio Hotel minus her bracelet and with her bank account cleaned out. The moral of the story is -- gamble on a jack king off suit but not on love.

The Blue Diamond

arrowqueen
08-19-2006, 03:54 AM
The Blue Diamond.

This little known spy novel was published at the same time as 'The Maltese Falcon.' but unfortunately did not receive the same acclaim.

Critics believe this was due to the fact that the hero, Herbert Littlejohn, and his attempt to steal the recipe for Wienerschnitzel and defeat the Nazis by setting up a chain of MacWursts (thus making them too fat to fight) lacked credibility.

The fact that the title had absolutely bugger-all to do with the plot didn't help much either.

**********

The Thing in the Corner.

persiphone_hellecat
08-19-2006, 03:58 AM
The Thing in the Corner

Written by Paris Hilton, she discovers that the thing in the corner is actually a dust mop. She plans a sequel as soon as she figures out what to acually do with it.

The Climbing Ivy

Tre
08-19-2006, 04:32 AM
The Climbing Ivy

Ivy Mattison always dreamed of scaling Mount Everest and nothing was going to stop her; not her controling mother, her envious sister or her gender confused fiance, Marcus. A moving work of determination and spirit, Ivy flees to Nepal where she confronts the reality of her dream and finds love in the arms of a lapsed Buddhist priest.

Cry of the Alpacas

persiphone_hellecat
08-19-2006, 04:40 AM
Cry of the Alpacas

In 2100, the world's alpaca population has dwindled to one tiny herd of seven, living in a remote region of Montana. They are befriended by Ed Hoskins, an anti=government survivalist who starts a breeding program to repopulate the world with alpacas. Unfortunately, as Ed is married to his sister Beth-Ann, he knows very little about animal husbandry. When Mickey, the last male alpaca in the herd, dies, the rest of the alpacas sadly travel to Colorado and jump off Pike's Peak, knowing there is no future for the species.

The Mandolin Plays at Midnight

arrowqueen
08-22-2006, 02:11 AM
The Mandolin Plays at Midnight:

Inspired by 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin', Jake Hadalotofcaffeine decides to learn the instrument too. Unfortunately, as he suffers from appalling insomnia, he practices at midnight, thus annoying his neighbours.

Evicted from his apartment, he takes to the streets as a wandering musician. Since he still can't play, he finally starves to death - but not before he meets an interesting selection of hookers, bums, burglars and other assorted night people - most of whom give him a jolly, good kicking for being a tone-deaf nuisance.

As the greater part of this book takes place in the dark, it is advisable to wear infra-red goggles while reading it.

*******

Red Sky at Night.

persiphone_hellecat
08-22-2006, 06:06 AM
Red Sky at Night

Samantha Summerville's very first Sci Fi, Fan Fiction, Romance Novel. When Jackie Jeffries is jilted by her lover Jeremiah Johanssen, she enrolls in Star Fleet Academy and emerges as a communications officer. Dressed in her perky little red uniform, she boldly goes where no man has gone before, when the Starship Bob Dylan (named for that great American hero) sets off on a mission to Mars. Onboard, she falls in love with Ensign Jack Jackson, that handsome young flyboy and soon Jack is boldly going where no man has gone before, too, when they make love with the red sky of Mars as a backdrop. Sadly, the relationship is doomed when Jack is reassigned to the Starship Flip Wilson (named after that other great American hero), breaking Jackie's heart. The book has a hopeful ending, with both the Bob Dylan and the Flip Wilson on the same course for the Delta Gamma Epsilon Galaxy and a rendevous at an Intergalactic Star Wars convention on the planet Ed Begley Jr. (also named after a great American hero). The sequel, Blue Clouds in the Delta Gamma Epsilon Sunrise is a sure fire hit.

The Haunted Starbucks

arrowqueen
08-26-2006, 05:20 AM
The Haunted Starbucks

When the new Starbucks opens in Remoteneckofthewoods, little do they know they have built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Only when skinny latte frappachinos with hazelnut syrup are returned by customers, complaining that their coffee tastes of mud and blood, do they suspect that they have made a terrible mistake.

The final blood-stained denouement comes, when the steam from the coffee machine starts forming ancient Indian smoke signals and the wraiths of Sitting Bull and Hiawatha. Possessed yuppies start killing and scalping one another - and the waiters - until nothing is left but a smoking ruin.

Luckily, the locals don't give a damn. They board the place up and although one can occasionally hear the ghosts of yuppies past, wailing plaintively for expensive and exotic coffee, everybody just ignores them.

******

The Gold-digger's Tale.

persiphone_hellecat
08-26-2006, 06:48 AM
The Gold-digger's Tale

The biography of Orville Fudrucker - the guy who actually lost the infamous Lost Flying Dutchman Mine. When the mine was first discovered, Orville was there. He helped mine a virtual fortune in gold, silver and precious gems. When they finally had all the goods their mules could carry, the miners headed for the assay office, leaving Orville behind to draw a map so they could find the mine again at a later date. Unfortunately, being male, Orville didnt feel any need for a map. Sadly, the mine was lost forever. The biographer, Artie Newsome, was actually able to interview the last of the original miners shortly before his death at age 125. The miner, Ed Frickensummer, had only one thing to say about his former friend and associate. "Way to go, Orville, all we asked was for you to draw a damn map. Was that so hard? Thanks to your macho "I don't need no directions" attitude, the mine was lost forever." Sadly, while Ed made a fortune on the first and only haul from the mine, his money ran out at age 115 and he lived the last ten years of his life in poverty.

The Ice Cream Man Cometh

FreeStyle
08-27-2006, 08:40 PM
The story of a dry, hot, dead-end city street where the children do nothing but sit on the corner waiting for the their local ice cream man, Eugene. It's always sweltering out and too lazy to play they sit on the corners eating dreamsicles from their own freezers until Eugene rolls into their neighborhood with the good stuff. They're addicted to the icy rush, and love Eugene because he's as addicted as they are and gives them free samples of every new and delicious frozen treat he stocks. The conflict comes when Eugene stops coming to the city-style cul-de-sac and the children track him down demanding an explanation. He declares he's had an epiphany, and launches into a twelve-hour rant about the dangers of sugar and dairy. He can no longer contribute to the slow, dribbling deaths of these children, he proclaims, and pleads with them to recognize how chillingly pathetic they've all become.





Mine, His, And Anyone Else Who Wants One

Natasya
08-27-2006, 09:54 PM
Mine, His, And Anyone Else Who Wants One

A chocolatier who looks like Binoche called Elena sells alluring chocolate in a small town with exceedingly high crime level. Just got married to a beautiful, but religious, man whom she met through selling chocolate. Her alter ego is a black market organ seller but her selling hearts (rather than chocolate) won't be revealed until the end.


Counting Toes

persiphone_hellecat
08-27-2006, 11:37 PM
Counting Toes

The autobiography of a foot fetishist. Harvey Gibalski writes the sad story of his obsession with women's feet that began as a child when he used to play a game with his mother called "Counting Toes". The obsession led him to a life of crime and degredation. He describes befrending women in laundromats and distracting them while he slips their dirty socks into his pocket for later sexual gratification. He tells of his job in a women's shoestore, and why it took him so long to bring the shoeboxes out from the back room. He confesses to breaking into women's houses and rifling their closets for shoes to add to his collection. It all ended when he set up shop as a podiatrist in Altoona, Pennsylvania and advertised in the local paper that he gave free foot exams to female patients only. Suspecting foul play, local cop Dorothea Butler made an appointment. When she arrived at the address, she was stunned to learn that Dr. Gibalski's office was actually in a room at a local Rent-a-Room Storage Facility. Written from federal prison, Harvey Gibalski hopes to earn enough money to replace all the shoes he stole from Sarah Jessica Parker's famous Manolo Biahnik collection. A reformed man, he looks forward to getting out and getting on with his life. His new fixation is with men's underpants -- a fetish he developed while working in the prison laundry.

The Hilbilly Bride

arrowqueen
08-29-2006, 01:48 AM
The HillBilly Bride.

A modern classic in the style of Georgette Heyer. Jolene Hoe-Down, pampered heiress to the Hoe-Down hogswill fortune is promised in marriage to the eldery, but wealthy, Duke Carrington.

On her wedding day, she is carried off by the dashing moonshiner Henry Brown-Jugg and held to ransome in his cabin in the mountains. Despite the cruel hardship of this existence, she finds herself drawn to her handsome captor's wit, charm and endearing lack of teeth.

All ends well when Henry wins a contract to supply Walmart with his 'Good Ole Brown-Jugg Sippin' Whisky' and becomes a millionaire. Jolene's father welcomes her new suitor with open arms; Henry treats himself to a new set of choppers from the Sears Roebuck catalogue and he and Jolene live happily ever after in their fine, new cabin, complete with every luxury - including indoor plumbing and store-bought stove.

**********

Tears for Thomasina.

persiphone_hellecat
08-29-2006, 04:05 AM
Tears for Thomasina

The heartbreaking story of Thomasina Tutweiler, the sheltered daughter of Margaret Tutweiler. Thomasina was actually born Thomas Benson, treasured son of Mike and Patty Benson. The day the Bensons were due to take him home from the hospital, he disappeared, along with Nurse Margaret Finkelbaum. Margaret took the baby to Nevada where she changed her name and raised him as a girl, Thomasina. Homeschooled and sheltered, it wasnt until Margaret died in a fatal bus accident that Thomasina got out into the world. She met Fred Gorgonzola, a blackjack dealer at a cheap casino off the Vegas strip. A deeply religious man, Fred wanted to wait until after marriage for sex. Married in a beautiful ceremony by an Elvis impersonator at a Vegas chapel, Fred got the surprise of his life on their honeymoon night when Thomasina exited the bathroom dressed in a little item from Frederick's of Hollywood. He walked out, leaving the heartbroken Thomasina/Thomas to get the marriage annulled. Now, a coffee shop waitress and a regular on the Jerry Springer show, Thomasina has decided to put her story in print with the hopes of raising enough cash to become a real woman. Available from our friends at Rockway Press -- January 2020 or sometime this century. Winner of the 2006 Rockway Press Book Contest.

Oops! We Did It Again!

arrowqueen
08-30-2006, 01:04 AM
Oops! We Did It Again!

The third - and hopefully final - autobiography of Britney Spears, 'written' while pregnant with her fifth child in four years.

400lb Britney tells of her heart-breaking struggle to lose weight; break out of the trailer-park again; ditch the loser she finally married; restart her singing career and get back with her first love, Justin Trousersnake.

Fiction at its best.

********

Secret of the Mummy.

persiphone_hellecat
08-30-2006, 03:04 AM
Secret of the Mummy

The 55th Indiana Jones adventure. Now in his 70's, Indiana takes off for Egypt in search of the elusive tomb of King Tut's Mummy's Mummy. He finds her buried not far from her son. Indiana opens the tomb and using a special magic powder found in an urn nearby, he reanimates her. She sits up in the casket and begins nagging, "Don't touch that stick, you'll poke your eye out", "if you make faces like that one of these days it will stick, "wash behind your ears," "wait till your father gets home". Indiana promptly closes the coffin and re-seals the tomb, hoping nobody ever has to see that horror again.

My Life as a Chucky Cheese Character

arrowqueen
09-01-2006, 01:41 AM
My Life as a Chucky Cheese Character.

This is another heart-breaking autobiography, written by Melissa St John Smythe, from her cell in the New York Women's Penitentiary.

It tells of how Melissa, a simple English parson's daughter, comes to America to seek her fortune in the acting profession. When her new agent, J, Arthur Sleazeball, tells her he can get her a part in an off-Broadway production - in exchange for certain 'considerations' - she sacrifices her virtue on his casting couch, only to discover her 'part' is in fact a job as a mouse in some crummy kids' restaurant.

Driven mad by shrieking children, she seeks revenge - and when J. Arthur brings his daughter to the restaurant as a birthday treat, Melissa entices him into the kitchen, shoves him in the pizza oven, then flees.

Alas, since a large, fleeing mouse is pretty conspicuous, her escape is short - and her sentence long.


(Unfortunately publication has been postponed indefinitely, until the law suits, concerning the super-large meat-feast pizzas, are settled.)

*******

Geeks to the Rescue!

persiphone_hellecat
09-01-2006, 01:50 AM
Geeks to the Rescue!

The story of Best Buy's infamous Geek Squad. Starting with a handful of pimply faced, computer geek social outcasts, Harvey Klingmeyer has built an entire empire. Very cleverly, every computer sold at Best Buys is pre-loaded with some kind of bug or virus so that eventually the owner will require a Geek to come and fix it. In their nifty little VW bugs, they are on the road in a jiffy - out to your home and ready to fix your computer.

But there is more to the story. A sordid, steamy side. Many of these Geeks arrive at the home of the computer owner to find the wife home alone, dressed in Victoria's Secret, ready to jump anything in pants. These innocent young lads find themselves sucked into the ugly world of sex and degredation. In fact, it has been discovered that many of the so-called emergency calls for a Geek arent emergencies at all. Women are deliberately unplugging their computers and acting helpless so that a Geek will show up, plug the computer back in, and use the house phone to call in for his next service call location. These dedicated Geeks are being brazenly seduced by these hussies.

In a touching forward, Bill Gates himself writes about the times he was seduced in a similar manner and how dirty and degraded it made him feel to be forced to submit to the sexual desires of a computer using housewife. It is Mr. Gates' sincere hope this book will do much to shed light on this terrible situation and bring Geek seduction to an end.

The Last Day of Summer

arrowqueen
09-02-2006, 03:07 AM
The Last Day of Summer

A poignant love story, similar to...er...'Love Story.'

Summer McGillicuddy, who suffers from terminal rickets, finally meets the man of her dreams. Unfortunately, when they consumate their wild passion, she shatters like a bundle of dry twigs, leaving her lover heartbroken - not to mention pierced in several intimate places.

At least she went the way she'd have wanted to.

********

The Preacher's Daughter.

persiphone_hellecat
09-02-2006, 03:55 AM
The Preacher's Daughter

Another romance novel by Samantha Summerfield... Hannah Pastor, the preacher's daughter, falls in love with Ricky Romano, biker and former resident of Folsom Prison. Hannah and her father, Preacher Pastor, clash over Ricky. Hannah believes he can be reformed, Preacher Pastor thinks he belongs back on jail -- just for the too small Levi button fly jeans he wears. The book concludes with a heart wrenching scene when Joey Jackson gets sick just before the Christmas pageant. With Hannah scheduled to portray Mary, she has no choice but to put Ricky into Joey's Joseph costume and throw him into the makeshift manger. Preacher Pastor finally accepts Ricky, however no one seems to know what happened to all the communion wine. A touching holiday story guaranteed to be read again and again every Christmas - along with The Gift of the Magi, Polar Express and The Grinch. Soon to be a Hallmark Theatre Christmas special starring Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as Ricky and Hannah with a special appearance by Chrisopher Walken as Preacher Pastor.

Nobody Does It Better.

DamaNegra
09-04-2006, 12:38 AM
Nobody Does it Better

Angela is the best chef in her town. However, a mysterious stranger appears one day, challenging Angela's title as the best chef. Now, Angela embarks on a quest around exotic locations and learns new recipes to prove that Nobody Does it Better.

Next title:
Sing the Lie.

arrowqueen
09-04-2006, 01:44 AM
Sing the Lie.

Tamara has the face of an angel, but the voice of a crow. Agnes has the face of a crow, but the voice of an angel. Working together, with Tamara as the 'front woman' and the aid of a hidden microphone, they win 'Pop Idol' and land Tamara a lucrative singing contract.

It all goes terribly wrong, when fame goes to Tamara's head. Sneering at her ugly friend, she demands 80% of the take, which she squanders on clothes, champagne, cars and men, leaving poor Agnes with barely a pittance.

But even a pittance adds up. Agnes saves her money, gets plastic surgery and a singing contract of her own - then sells her story to the tabloids for a fortune.

Tamara's career crumbles overnight. Her champagne lifestyle disappears, her boobs sag, and she ends up as a cheap hooker in Las Vegas.

That'll teach her!

*******

The Attic.

persiphone_hellecat
09-04-2006, 06:49 AM
The Attic --

Jennie Jackson has just moved into a new house with her family in Jasper, Wyoming. One day, Jennie discovers the pull down stairs to the attic. She is just about to go up there when a wind blows through the house, scaring the daylights out of her. Again and again, she tries to get up the courage to go up into the attic, but each time something happens to scare her away -- the phone rings, someone knocks on the door. Weeks go by and Jennie becomes more and more obsessed with going up those stairs into the attic. What is up there? What is the mysterious pull she feels, drawing her up those stairs and into the dark recesses of the attic? Finally one day Jennie can resist it no longer and she pulls down the stairs, charging up into the attic. To her surprise, she finds it is empty, swept broom clean by the previous owners according to the terms of the sale. Next week ... Jennie discovers the stairs to the basement -- what awaits her there?????? Available now at your nearest Barnes and Noble - $24.95 plus tax.

When I Was a Little Girl ...

arrowqueen
09-05-2006, 01:15 AM
When I was a little girl.

Yet another heartbreaking autogiobraphy. (Editors note: Dear God! Is every bugger in the world writing their damned life story?)

This is the traumatic tale of Patrick, or, as she prefers to be called, Patricia Gilhooley, who was brought up by her somewhat myopic grandmother.

A childhood of frilly dresses, sweet little button shoes and dollies' tea-parties was brought to an abrupt and shocking end when puberty hit and she developed a beard and a baritone voice.

Confused and upset, Patricia fled her home town - but it all worked out in the end, when she met and married an understanding plastic surgeon. Now she's a big girl and couldn't be happier.

******

Whipped Cream and Cherries.

persiphone_hellecat
09-05-2006, 02:51 AM
Whipped Cream and Cherries

The story of a Baskin Robbins owner who turns his franchise into something more ... Inspired by the movie Pizza Boy, Howard Brolin starts an ice cream delivery service that delivers frozen treats and a whole lot more. Unfortunately, Howard became the object of a police sting operation and was busted delivering ice cream to what turned out to be a very large and male member of the vice squad. The book just goes to show that being an enterprising young man isnt always a good thing.

The Orange Letter

arrowqueen
09-06-2006, 01:08 AM
The Orange Letter

The tragic story of a woman who commits adultery and is branded by having the letter A, in orange, sewn onto her jumper and ...

Here! Hang on a minute...

******

Plagiarism for Beginners.

persiphone_hellecat
09-06-2006, 01:20 AM
Plagerism for Beginners

A simple guide written by James Frey teaching you how to use Google to write practically anything you want and become an Oprah book club book. Of course, he copied it from someone else.

The Evil Queen Kills at Midnight

DamaNegra
09-06-2006, 01:47 AM
The Evil Queen Kills at Midnight

Drag queen Tamara Stars is tired of being dumped by man after man because she lacks certain female qualities. So nice Tamara disappears and EVIL Tamara is born. Now, she's going to get REVENGE, by killing her last lover at the exact time he dumped her-midnight.

persiphone_hellecat
09-06-2006, 01:55 AM
We need a title Dama

DamaNegra
09-07-2006, 04:24 AM
Hee hee woops. Second time this happens.

Ok, title:

Worms, squirms and banana ice-creams!

arrowqueen
09-08-2006, 02:45 AM
Worms, squirms and banana ice-creams!

A charming book, for the under-fives, in which Willy the Worm squirms his way to the top of the manure heap, where he is promptly seized by little Johnny.

Johnny then chases his cousin, Amelia, around the garden with his Willy dangling, until Mummy comes along with banana ice creams for lunch.

Poor shrivelled Willy then squirms back to the safety of the compost pie. muttering imprecations under his breath and swearing revenge.

(Editor's note: Are you sure this is for the under fives?)

*******

Tears before Bedtime.

persiphone_hellecat
09-08-2006, 07:54 AM
Tears Before Bedtime

Another bestseller by Samantha Summerville. Annie Hogan falls in love with Fred Dampler, an older man. Developing alzheimer's, Fred desperately tries to hide it from his beloved Annie. Finally, they get married and have a lovely reception. Towards the end of the reception, Annie whispers in his ear that she is going up to their room to slip into something more comfortable. Fred should wait ten minutes and then join her. Five hours later, when Fred still hasnt shown up in the Honeymoon Suite, the police are called and find an incoherent Fred wandering lost miles from the hotel. When he is reunited with Annie, he has no recollection of her or of their marriage. He thinks she is his pre-school teacher, recalling that he wasnt exactly potty trained when he went to pre-school. Unwilling to be saddled with changing her new husband's Depends and drool bibs, Annie tearfully gets an annulment and heads off to a nearby college, determined to find herself a younger man who is toilet trained.

The Bestest Book Ever Written

NightWynde
09-08-2006, 09:34 AM
The Bestest Book Ever Written

Exclusively for members of the Writer's Digest book club, this 2 volume tome shows by example of what not to do in your query letter. Samples from actual query letters gathered by agents across the nation include:

"You're going to love this book since I'm the next Stephen King."

"OMG!!!111 This is like totaly kewl!!111"

"rooerwjl" (Don't ask, we don't know what it means either.)

As an added bonus, each volume has full color photos of the unusual items received by agents and editors.



I Hate My Hair

persiphone_hellecat
09-09-2006, 02:17 AM
I Hate My Hair

Written by the star of Bravo's "Blowout" stylist Jonathan Antin presents the first volume of I Hate My Hair - sort of a version of Chicken Soup for the Soul. In it, women tell their heartbreaking stories of bad hair days -- everything from "The Morning the Blowdryer Died" to "My Hairstylist Talked Me Into It" to "It Looked Good on Farrah Fawcett" to "The Water Pressure in My Shower Died". One particularly heartbreaking story, "Put Your Contacts In First" tells of a harried woman who was getting ready for work one morning and mistook Nair for hair gell. After each story, Jonathan Antin includes "before and after" photos - where he takes these traumatized women, treats them to double latte mocha cappuccinos with RedBull jello shots while he does his best to make them over. An emotional, uplifting story of how a good hairstylist and an IV of caffeine can fix any hairstyle.

The Curse of the Lazyboy Recliner

Aubrey
09-09-2006, 04:14 AM
The Curse of the Lazyboy Recliner

When young Susie Socute's father, a minister, starts mysteriously cursing whenever he watches television, she grows suspicious. After months worth of research on Torrettes, Susie lies down in her father's recliner and, much to her astonishment, hears a littany of obscenities in a voice not her own. Thus begins the investigation of a lifetime to discover the origins of the mysterious curses.
---
Are you a Geisha or a French Maid?

arrowqueen
09-09-2006, 05:08 AM
Are you a Geisha or a French Maid?

An exciting whistle-stop tour of the world's greatest bordellos, complete with price lists, locales, and photo's of the ladies of the evening.

Unfortunately this book contains so much information, some readers may become confused and lose the plot.

Hence the title.

*******

The Recipe for Love.

persiphone_hellecat
09-09-2006, 05:46 AM
The Recipe For Love.

Another Samantha Summerville classic. When Audrey Hanson opens a bakery next door to John Smithers' deli, they instantly become enemies. Audrey's bagels and delicious danishes are taking business away from the deli. But one day, John discovers Audrey's sweet buns. The rest is Romance Novel history...

The Day the Earth Did Nothing

Aubrey
09-10-2006, 04:16 AM
The Day The Earth Did Nothing

When Linda wakes one morning to learn nature has jumped ship, she fears the end has come. But does Mother nature (who prefers the name Jane now) have something far more sinister in mind?

Okay, she doesn't, but I'll trick you into buying the sequel, The Earth Decides To Do Something, to find out for yourselves.
----

Knickers & Snickers

persiphone_hellecat
09-10-2006, 07:08 AM
Knickers and Snickers

Suzie Jackson is learning to sew. She decides to make herself this cool pair of knickers out of her mother's old drapes. When she wears them, she is unaware of the snickering going on behind her. Apparently, wearing purple floral knickers isnt appropriate attire for a nun.

Who Let The Dogs Out?

arrowqueen
09-11-2006, 12:39 AM
Who Let The Dogs Out?

An exciting science fiction/horror/romance novel.

After a new laboratory opens on the outskirts of the little town of Backofbeyond, locals are worried when their pet dogs start disappearing under mysterious circumstances.

The final straw comes when Lizzie Jordan's prize-winning poodle, Poppet, is stolen after the pet show. Her suitor, Alan Trueheart, vows to prove his love, by retrieving Poppet, come what may.

When his investigations lead him to the laboratory where horrible experiments are taking place (except on Poppet, who's not been there long enough.) he breaks in and releases the stolen animals.

Big mistake.

Unfortunately the dogs are now super-intelligent and psychotic. They go on a mad rampage through the town, ambushing and eating everyone they can lay their paws on.

In a spine-tingling denouement, Alan lays a trail of aniseed to entice them back to the lab, where he blows them all to smithereens. (Except for Poppet of course.)

Overwhelmed by gratitude, Lizzie agrees to marry him. She, Alan and Poppet live happily ever after.

*********

A Melody for Murder.

persiphone_hellecat
09-11-2006, 04:33 AM
A Melody for Murder

Jacques Du Mas, a world famous concert violinist has decided to kill his wife. He makes a pact with Satan -- trading his soul for the ability to play a single note on the violin that will blow up her brain and kill her instantly. Unfortunately, his wife gets stuck in traffic and misses the concert where he is to play the note. As a result, Jacques is stuck with his wife for another 20 years and has to go to Hell anyway.

Meet Me On The Balcony At Midnight

arrowqueen
09-13-2006, 01:38 AM
Meet Me On The Balcony At Midnight.

A dazzling combination of spy thriller and erotica.

When Agent 006 is given this secret password, little does he know that his attempt to find his opposite number will lead to a veritable galaxy of sexual experiences.

Everyone he says these words to, takes them at face value, with the result that every night the balcony vibrates with frantic fornication.

After encountering a series of beautiful women; a company of Hungarian dancing dwarves; three Bulgarian knife-throwers; a troupe of Andelusion acrobats and a trained bear, 006 still hasn't found the double agent - but is too knackered to care.

******

White Satin Dreams.

persiphone_hellecat
09-13-2006, 05:03 AM
White Satin Dreams

Emily Wilson has the hots for Brian Jones who works at her office. For weeks, she plans a special evening for the two of them at her apartment. She completely redecorates the place in the style of a sexy, romantic honeymoon suite. Then she asks him at work if he will stop by and check out her TV -- the cable isnt working right. When Brian shows up, a romantic dinner for two is set up with candles, wine, the works. After dinner, Emily drops enough hints and Brian finally takes her by the hand and leads her to the bedroom. Unfortunately, Emily has made the bed up with white satin sheets covered with red rose petals. More the flannel sheet type, Brian slips off the bed, landing on the floor and breaking his arm in three places. The razzing at work is so bad that Emily finally has to quit her job and move to another city.

Blue in Boise

Matthew Warner
09-14-2006, 12:19 AM
Blue in Boise

The bestselling true story of the romance between an Idaho potato farmer and an avante-garde fashion designer specializing in the color blue.


Your Cooking Tastes Like Feces

aadams73
09-14-2006, 12:28 AM
Your Cooking Tastes Like Feces

A new book from The Food Network's Rachel Ray and Emeril Lagasse. These Bestselling chefs have finally put together the compilation of recipes readers have been begging for: their very worst! Look for such delectable teats as Curdled Pea and Fish Soup, and Lentil Meringue Pie. It's a sure-fire-stockingstuffer this holiday season.


The Boots and I

Matthew Warner
09-14-2006, 12:39 AM
The Boots and I

The unauthorized biography of Margaret Landon, author of the "Anna and the King of Siam," which goes into salacious detail about the foot fetish that was ultimately her undoing.


Know Which End to Smoke

persiphone_hellecat
09-14-2006, 06:47 AM
Know Which End To Smoke

The Blonde's Guide to Cigar Smoking. It's sooooo hard to figure it out without the filter.


Here Kitty Kitty

arrowqueen
09-16-2006, 02:46 AM
Here Kitty Kitty.

A dating guide for particularly inept/ugly men, advocating the use of bribery to attract women.

Chapters include:

'How to dangle diamond jewellery in an enticing fashion.'

'Expensive dinners in exotic locations.'

'Credit cards, cash, cheques and other kitty toys.'

'Barbados, the Bahamas and other sunny spots where kitties like to bask.'

(Editor's note: This book is not recommended for poor, inept/ugly men.)

***********

Riding to Victory.

persiphone_hellecat
09-16-2006, 03:11 AM
Riding to Victory

A rugged tale of X-treme Mountain Biking
http://www.mountainbike.co.nz/photos/other/butt-what.jpg

The Ghost Who Loved Me

arrowqueen
09-18-2006, 12:41 AM
The Ghost who loved Me.

When Martha Wilcott moves into a sweet, country cottage, it is not long before she realises she has company. Lights flicker on and off; bouquets of withered flowers are laid at the foot of her bed; hot breath touches the back of her neck when she showers.

The final straw comes when she wakes to find that 'laying the ghost' has taken on a whole new meaning.

Luckily, like most men, dead or alive, her overly familiar spirit clears off as soon as she finds out about her phantom pregnancy,

******

A Home for Horace.

Etola
09-18-2006, 04:26 AM
A Home for Horace.

The story of a lovable novelty bear from the 1980's, stitched together from pieces of stone-washed denim and bright neon fabric. He travels around the world in a series of remarkable adventures, trying to find a family to take him in and spreading the love of outdated fads, until at last he arrives at the Island of Forgotten Novelty Toys.

The Spaghetti Jar Mystery

maddythemad
09-18-2006, 04:38 AM
The Spaghetti Jar Mystery stars always-hungry Herbert as he attempts to discover why his pantry is always empty. The answer is NOT what you think it is! In a brilliant and surprising twist, it is discovered that the spaghetti jar is gobbling up all of Herbert's food. *Sequel, titled The Spaghetti Jar Fights Back,will be released next fall*

Paris Hilton's Guide to Love, Life, and Mistreating Small Dogs

persiphone_hellecat
09-18-2006, 08:19 AM
Paris Hilton's Guide to Love, Life, and Mistreating Small Dogs

Paris finally confesses! There have been like 5 different Tinkerbelles -- she keeps leaving them places and replacing them. Also, according to Ms. Hilton, the dog is the new "handbag" - however she doesnt mention where to keep your wallet.

As for life and love, those chapters are rather short, since the only person she truly loves herself and she knows absolutely nothing about life since everything has been handed to her on a silver platter since she was born.

Save your money. Buy it when it hits the bargain bins.

The Turquoise Frog

arrowqueen
09-19-2006, 01:26 AM
The Turquoise Frog.

When Terry Bastable calls his next-door neighbour an old witch, little does he realise how accurate he is - until she transforms him into a small turquoise frog.

Follow his hilarious adventures as he attempts to continue working on the stock exchange; going to golf and generally carrying on as usual.

Unfortunately this is an extremely short book as his wife steps on him at the beginning of chapter three.

********

Up the Himalayas in High Heels.

persiphone_hellecat
09-19-2006, 02:32 AM
Up the Himalayas in High Heels

Written by Naomi Campbell, this is the story of her quest to find inner peace after her incidents of assaulting her house staff with cell phones. Taking along a backpack full of expensive jeans and Baby Phat T shirts, Naomi trudges up the Himalays on the back of a yak wearing 5 inch Ferragamo heels. However, when she gets there, the monks laugh at her and push her off the mountain.

The Clown Wars

arrowqueen
09-21-2006, 01:32 AM
The Clown Wars.

A stunning new science fiction novel, set in the year 3009, when invaders from the Planet Zog threaten to take over the earth.

In order to beat them, scientists of all countries join together to clone an army to fight the alien menace.

Unfortunately not all of them speak English very well. Misreading the word 'clone', Wilhelm von Nachtnibbler feeds DNA from Bozo into the reproduction machine - resulting in an army of big-footed, red-nosed prats who cannot walk two steps without tripping over each other.

Luckily the aliens take one look at them and die laughing.

Earth is saved. Hoorah!

*********

Cold Blood and Hot Babes.

persiphone_hellecat
09-22-2006, 08:45 AM
Cold Blood and Hot Babes

The story behind the famous "Girls Gone Bad" videos. Snoop Doggy Dog reveals the secrets regarding how they get those hot babes to pull up their shirts and show their boobs with nice erect nipples. A cold blast from the air conditioner helps a lot.

The St. Patrick's Day Massacre

arrowqueen
09-25-2006, 02:34 AM
The St. Patrick's Day Massacre.

Horrified by the blasphemy of green beer, the leprechauns strike back by beating the perpetrators to a pulp with their shillelaghs.

Afterwards, they skelp down the Guinness, march on the White House singing Irish rebel songs and give wee Georgie a good kicking for replacing the crock of gold with a crock of...

*******

Bloodstains on the Carpet.

persiphone_hellecat
09-25-2006, 05:56 AM
Bloodstains on the Carpet

The story of a man who owns his own Stanley Steemer franchise in Los Angeles and how he helped crack a major murder case when OJ Simpson called to have his carpets cleaned.

Take My Wife ... Please

Fiveofclubs
09-27-2006, 09:23 PM
Take My Wife...Please

Simon had been married for 12 wonderful years. Unfortunatley he was celebrating his 50th anniversary. The story of what happens when you throw a party and invite every last living relative you have, and a few of the dead ones too.

Toothpicks, and Other Deadly Weapons

persiphone_hellecat
09-28-2006, 06:32 AM
Toothpicks, and Other Deadly Weapons.

The final secret episode of the Sopranos, when Tony finally whacks Carmella by sticking a poisoned toothpick between her third and fourth vertabrae. The other weapons are secret. Wait for the episode. If I told you now, I would have to use the weapons and kill you.

White Hot in Baltimore

Fiveofclubs
09-28-2006, 07:20 AM
Don't mean to monopolize the thread, but I'm having fun with this...thanks Persiphone_hellecat

White Hot in Baltimore

Jack White moved to Baltimore from his lifelong home in Juno Alaska. He'd never even seen an airconditioner before. He wishes he knew of them before August.

Don't Lick the Woodchipper

persiphone_hellecat
09-28-2006, 07:37 AM
Don't Lick the Woodchipper

A dummy's guide for actual dummies. In this book, you will learn important things like 1) Don't lick the Woodchipper. At least not when it is turned on. 2) Don't lick flagpoles in winter 3) Do not toast bread while taking a shower and of course, 4) Do not urinate in the vicinity of an electric fence. Unfortunately, the publisher is very disappointed in sales. It seems most people who actually NEED this book do some of the things it suggests NOT doing before they actually have the opportunity to purchase the book.

A Single Man's Guide to Living in his Mother's Basement

dclary
09-28-2006, 12:52 PM
A Single Man's Guide to Living in his Mother's Basement

Doctor Spork's unauthorized autobiography.







The 29th Bullet

persiphone_hellecat
09-28-2006, 07:48 PM
The 29th Bullet

Ed Farsky, the CIA's worst agent finds that 29 is a lucky number, when after firing 2 full clips from his 10mm Glock automatic, and being down to 2 bullets left in his third and last clip, the 29th bullet did the job and took down the 400 pound assailant standing 4 feet from him brandishing an ice pick. The CIA celebrated Ed's marksmanship by issuing him 3 new clips and a license to kill.

Long Ago and Far Fetched

Fiveofclubs
09-29-2006, 12:41 AM
Long Ago and far Fetch

I would tell you but, it was so long ago that no one remembers, and even if I did tell, you would not believe it...so you'll just have to read the book.

Holy Smokes

arrowqueen
09-29-2006, 01:27 AM
Holy Smokes.

In the fine monastic tradition of making intoxicating beverages and selling them to the masses, Fr. Deogratias and Fr. Carpediem decide to modernise and branch out into narcotics.

They turn the monastery gardens into one of the world's largest marijuana farms and set the nuns to manufacturing the eponymous 'Holy Smokes' cigarettes.

Catholic and non-Catholic smokers alike become addicted to the new ciggies - as do non-smokers, caught in the passing fumes.

War ends, peace prevails, the chocolate industry goes into overdrive and being Biblically stoned takes on an entirely new meaning.

Thanks to Holy Smokes, the world becomes a wonderful place.

**********

Hard Shell, Soft Centre.

persiphone_hellecat
09-29-2006, 05:36 AM
Hard Shell, Soft Centre

The unofficial biography of the lobster. Written in England - hence the "centre" spelling.

I Need A Haircut

maestrowork
09-29-2006, 06:13 AM
I Need A Haircut

Autobiography of Patrick Stewart, aka Jean-Luc Picard and Prof. Charles Xavier.


Ice Cream Cometh

persiphone_hellecat
09-29-2006, 10:17 AM
Ice Cream Cometh

The life story of Donna Sue Johnson, the world's first Dairy Queen waitress.

The Voices Inside My Head

arrowqueen
09-30-2006, 03:46 AM
The Voices inside My Head.

Paul Harris believes he is going mad when he hears the voices inside his head. Unfortunately so do the psychiatrists he consults.

After ten years in a psychiatric hospital they finally discover he is actually receiving soap operas through the metal fillings in his teeth.

Released from his incarceration, he broods on his misdiagnosis then takes to murdering psychiatrists by beating them to death with their own radios.

This time the voices are real.

*******

Wings over the Waves.

persiphone_hellecat
09-30-2006, 07:23 AM
Wings Over the Waves

The long awaited sequel to Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Jonathan is now happily living and flying over the Potomic River until one day when Dick Cheney decides to go hunting. Let's just say there isnt going to be a third book in the series.

Sunflower Seeds and Leg o Lamb

brianm
10-01-2006, 12:38 AM
Sunflower Seeds and Leg o Lamb

The spectacularly informative book from renown and beloved author, Kernal Mutton, on what to feed and what not to feed your wild birds. Also contains a collection of 1001 recipes for sunflower seeds and one unusual, and possibly felonious use for a frozen leg o lamb.

Death of a Corpse

arrowqueen
10-01-2006, 03:45 AM
Death of a Corpse.

When Harry Jones pulls off an insurance scam by faking his own death, he expects to live a long and happy life on the proceeds.

Wrong.

His wife, Velma waits till the money is safely in their joint bank account then bumps him off.

The police are a little surprised to find the corpse is already dead - but not half as much as Harry.

*******

The Broken Mirror.

wyntermoon
10-01-2006, 05:12 AM
Title: The Broken Mirror

- Alice realizes she can no longer return to her life before she discovered the Looking Glass and slides into a morbid depression. Lifted only by the promise of oysters in the months that have no "r", her bipolar journey reflects our own increasing dependency on scientology to cure all ills.


Scarecrows I have loved-

brianm
10-01-2006, 08:57 AM
Scarecrows I Have Loved

The second book in a trilogy from farm owner, Pa Lodesome, which continues the story of his lonely existence on his rural Iowa farm. His first book, "Sheep I Have Loved,” rose swiftly to number one on the Best Seller's list of Farmers Digest. His final book, "Fences and Knot Holes,” is due out this summer.

Far Out!... a memoir

arrowqueen
10-02-2006, 01:19 AM
Far Out - a memoir.

Keith Richards' autobiography. Unfortunately since he was so 'far out' he can't actually remember anything, this book consists of blank pages.

*******

Fiddlesticks.