Married to Mental Illness

It seems to me that mental illness doesn't pop up overnight, i.e. it was there all along; you just found out about it now.

But go ahead and bi*ch. It's therapeutic

I think diagnosis helps you to accept that something isn't perfect, up until then I suspect it's easier to pretend it is.

Hubby's had depression a couple of times and it's not fun. I hope the treatment works for your wife and that you can pull through it.

I think my uncle has bipolar disorder. I have a (very mild) case of Asperger's Syndrome/Autism. And the Hemingways (my very distant cousins) tended to have bipolar disorder.

I'm not sure if I can really call my condition "mental illness." Yes, the Asperger's thing caused a whole bunch of problems, but my meds are currently keeping them under control, or at least a bearable level. Yes, I still get agitated and such once in a while, but I'm much better off than I used to.
It took my doctor and my parents several years to find the right combo of meds, but now I'm somewhat stable. The current meds seem to be working much better than all the other meds I've taken.

Bitching about it is indeed therapeutic. It helped me deal with it more by finally telling everyone on AW about it. It's created more understanding and tolerance about me and my behavior.

I don't believe that mental illness just happens.(snap!)

I believe that there are definite signs of the impending illness for years before it really rears it's ugly head.

But my PHD is Psychiatry is not from a reputable school.

It's important to learn the triggers that set off the hardships. A BP can go months and years feeling wonderful, hence no problem, and then rising above to mania or sinking into deep depression.

While we are in an elevated mood, we can be totally disassociated with the real world because the feeling is euphoria and bliss. Anything or anybody challenging that feeling becomes a target of our agitation.

People feeling especially good never seek help because what's the point? But they are in danger of becoming manic and delusional if the proper trigger occurs (alcohol, stress, money woes, and confrontation).

People sinking to depressed oblivion believe there is no hope and also seek no help. They too become delusional, only much more foreboding.

Do not think of this as being evil. The greatest people in history had some form of this. Writers are especially prone to it or perhaps it is better to say that BP’s are more prone to write, often fanatically.

Without BPD, I argue that we are not a progressive world today. And thank goodness there are more than a few or else we would be serving a lord today we don’t want.

pconsidine said:

Why is it that any time you read or hear about someone grappling with mental illness, they paint their lives as nearly perfect until they became ill?

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I've also read and heard about people who've always been mentally ill, starting in childhood, so I can't agree that they always idealize their lives "before."

I mean, let's be candid here - is it unreasonable to think that the illness came from somewhere or that it was showing itself the whole time through and it was only some heroic denial that made things seem so bright?

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Someone might be prone to major depression but feel normal until a triggering event sends him or her spiraling down. If the person is asymptomatic, it doesn't take heroic denial to be unaware that the potential is there. I believe that most of our experience goes on beneath consciousness. That includes how our personalities are constructed, in both senses: how you put yourself together in the first place, long ago, and how your self is organized now.

pconsidine said:

Y'know, the biggest b-tch of it is that hindsight is always 20/20. I look back and see behaviors that always struck me as a little odd - like getting really excited over the tiniest of things and then crashing like a ValuJet when I wasn't equally excited (she has what they call Rapid-Cycling Bipolar Disorder).

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I've noticed a gradual downslope into my bipolar tendencies. I haven't been so quick to snap throughout my whole life--I've always been more mild-mannered. Medically-speaking, I was on a birth control pill (Yasmin) several years ago which has been proven (among many experiences I've heard/read about) to cause some major changes, even years after being off of it. For instance, years ago when I got stressed it would drive me to work harder; now when I get stressed I just snap. It's definitely been gradual, and then after the birth control messed me up it's just been quicker.

I, too, have the rapid cycling that you mention. For me it can vary from week to week, day to day, and sometimes even moment to moment. If you'd ever like someone to talk to, I'm sure my husband wouldn't mind. We don't have many female friends with this disoder--mostly male friends, and he doesn't feel comfortable discussing it with the wives. He could use a male to talk with, I'm sure.

pconsidine said:

Though it also sucks pretty bad to try to work out marital problems when, half the time, I can't be sure it isn't her medication that's causing her reactions.

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Is she on an anti-depressant, or a mood-stabilizer, or a combination? I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder a year ago, and I've been on an anti-depressant for the past year. As it turns out, anti-depressants can cause the cycling to be worse, so they now recommend mood stabilizers. Unfortunately most mood stabilizers are class D, which are horrible for women considering pregnancy. So, we're seeking alternative methods of treatment.

Best wishes as you work through this. You're not alone.

I'm not bi-polar, but have suffered with depression most of my adult life. I took anti-depressants for years, but stopped taking them over a year ago because I was sick of the expense, the dependence and the side effects.

I sometimes wish I were still on them, but not enough to find a doctor and get another prescription. Overall, I'm doing ok.

But bi-polar has highs and lows, right?

Basic depression is just lows ...........elevated by hormones in the case of many women.

Redpen, my heart goes out to you. bipolar is a tough gig for everyone involved.

and I agree, it seems that people paint their lives as rosey until the bomb gets dropped, and it's as if THAT was what caused the problems.


I think it comes from our need to point fingers. Well, I was fun until THAT.

If you don't mind a book suggestion, the Noonday Demon was very helpful to me in understanding bipolar and the like. The writer is also wonderful and has a very warm touch.

Best to you both.

My stepmom is bi-polar and has been pretty close to institutionalized for the past 10 years or so. And for three or four years before that, she was just pretty sick and screwed up. In her case major surgery/menopause probably set her off.

And, I've gotta say, looking back on life before all that started (or while it was on pause, because she was pretty out of control during her adolescence too), it does seem like it was just beautiful in comparison. She was a loving and devoted mother to my two young stepsisters, thoughtful, kind, warm, responsible....she had faults too, but now -- loving? devoted? thoughtful? fuggedabouttit. She's either so depressed she's a pancake or so manic she's a circular saw.

It's all relative. Maybe your current situation isn't bad enough to make your previous circumstances look any better?

dpaterso said:

So wrong. "Snap" happens. No signs, no warning. Have you never heard the term "mental breakdown" before?

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This can happen if the cause is physiological, as in a toxic reaction or postpartum psychosis. In my experience with mentally ill friends and relatives, though, when someone appears to have had a sudden breakdown, what really happened was that the preexisting cracks got wider.

My husband, recently diagnosed with Parkinson's, fell into a deep depression this year. But I could see that the depression was an accumulation of symptoms and characteristics that had been there all the time. He has ALWAYS been a worryer. He has ALWAYS had the tendencey to hypochondria. He has ALWAYS been a person who sees the glass as half empty. He has always been stubborn, deluctant to change, clinging to material supports and the status quo.

When the depression came, all these tendencies multiplied a hundredfold - and to make things worse, our circumstances changed for the negative so drastically that it was as if his whole world fell apart, so that even his many positive sides (for instance, he was an avid gardener, and loved painting) were swamped and all he wanted to do was stay in bed all day, never get up.

Medication has helped. But I do believe that during his healthy days he could have been more aware of some of his illogical fears and anxieties and tried to work on them. For instance, I tried to get him to visit India with me, time and time again. he refused to go, even though he knew that India was an important pat of my life and I so wanted to share it with him. Year after yer I booked a flight with him. and year after year he found an excuse not to go, and cancelled.

It was like a refusal to face anything unknown, which also resulted in a weird attachment to old things. He has shirts which he has owned for over 30 years, and won't get rid of them, even when they're falling apart. I would try to persuade him to give some to charity (because every Christmas his mother gave him two or three new shirts) but he refused. That would have been a small way of dealing with something that was so obviously irrational. Our garage was filled to the ceiling with junk - stuff he couldn't bring himself to throw away. ONce he cleared out the home of an old aunt who had died - and he brough all HER junk and stuffed it into OUR garage. There was no room for the car!

So what happened this year is an accumulation of something that has been gathering force for years. But it has also forced me to be active, and forced him too, to deal with these things at last. Our circumstances meant that we have to sell the house so I have cleared out all the junk, and he's had to watch. He is known for taking stuff out of boxes meant for the junkyard! But I felt in a way I was clearing out sll the stuff that clogged him, and it was doing him good in a symbolic way. He has been forced to move with me to England - even though he hates any kind of move and really only wants to live in own place, the small German town he was born in.

But there was no choice; he had to give in to all these changes, and now after several months of revolutionary stuff on the outside, his insides are finally beginning to change at last. Good medication, I feel, is only part of the cure. In many ways, I feel he is different in a fundamental way, having finally given in to change. He has even started to work in the garden again, clearing the jungle which has grown up in the last two years of his inactivity.

What I meant to say was: his depression did not come out of the blue. It was latent in his mind all along, and had he been less stubborn he could have tackled it in its weaker form, during the good days.

We all have our thorns. Sorry you have to go through such hardships. I'll be here anytime you need to talk.

Terri

I had a really fast, extreme descent to agoraphobia, and when I lost it (for several years), it sure did feel like my life before had been pretty wonderful, and my life since had been totally worthless.

Panic attacks started out of the blue and I was totally housebound within the span of about three months. Prior to that, I was a stage actress, had been away at college, had traveled through most of the US and a few trips abroad, was very social, etc. Then one day I was suddenly terrified of everything, experiencing feelings of unreality, feeling like I was going to faint or puke every time I tried to walk out the door, etc.

I think there were signs earlier of other sorts of problems (PTSD, mainly), but this one shocked everyone who knew me (especially me). I'm sure I did idealize the "my life before" part some, and still do, maybe. I miss things that I'm not sure I'll ever get back.

Not to disparage anyone here or any of those with stated conditions, but, I am interested to know more about mental illness within the society at large.

Anyone here able to refer to a site/s or other sources describing general mental health and conditions and frequency within the general community?
Might be found in epidemiology/epidemiological studies?

ETA: PC, it seems to me that you have the wherewithal - sufficient mental fortitude and insight to assist you and spouse with what appears to be an increasingly difficult period in your lives. As you're an avid reader of non-fiction/ physics, and have sufficient interest/curiosity, you might now have a calling to apply it to a new pragmatic application in your everyday life. What print material/resources are available for those in similar situations as yourself?

Though it also sucks pretty bad to try to work out marital problems when, half the time, I can't be sure it isn't her medication that's causing her reactions.

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Ooof. Sympathies, and understanding on that one. My husband has that problem with me. We have these arguments and he can't tell if he really needs to change anything or just make sure I'm breathing better.
I find this more scary than any other of the effects of (in my case) severe asthma; not knowing if I can trust myself just leaves me feeling like the whole world is thin ice. So I can imagine that that must be scary for your wife too.

Hugs to you both, and I hope the meds work out for her.

Pcon: First, you know I am in love with Mrs. Pcon, so if you ever kick her to the curb, give her my email addy.

Second, I think the reason why you paint the "pre-diagnosis" period brighter than the post, is because you finally have a NAME for what ails you. You look at the past, and there's not this specter of a disease sitting on those memories. Just the memories. From here on out, every memory has that stigma of bipolar on it.

ATP - mental illness is much more common than people generally expect. Current estimates suggest one in every four people will experience a mental illness at some time during their lives - and that's only those conditions that are diagnosed or diagnosable.

Mental conditions include phobia, stress and depression related disorders to schizophrenia, dementia, bulemia/anorexia, addiction disorders, autistic spectrum disorders and many more.

Some useful sites would be:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/nimhhome/index.cfm - USA National Institute of Mental Health site. Some patient resources, but appears to be geared toward technical information.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/mental_health/ - unbiased, but with a UK focus.
http://www.elib.scot.nhs.uk/portal/mh/pages/index.aspx - NHS Scotland e-library site on Mental Health, targeted at medical professionals, but there is some useful patient information available.
http://www.mentalhealth.com/ - American site, claims to be unbiased, but strong focus on drug treatments.

None of these sites are sponsored or selling anything, so you can be reasonably sure of the information contained in them (although I'd treat the self-diagnosis tool on the last site with a healthy dose of scepticism).

pconsidine said:

So here's my question:

Why is it that any time you read or hear about someone grappling with mental illness, they paint their lives as nearly perfect until they became ill? I mean, let's be candid here - is it unreasonable to think that the illness came from somewhere or that it was showing itself the whole time through and it was only some heroic denial that made things seem so bright?

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With mental illness there is frequently a "triggering event" that gets the person into therapy, and then comes the diagnosis. The seeds of the mental illness were always there, but then that person reaches a tipping point that sends them over the brink.

My dad suffers from schizophrenia, and his breakdown was brought on by the stress of becoming a parent. My sister was diagnosed as bi-polar, but I'm not sure if there was a triggering event that set her off. As for me, I got off easy with clinical depression, which I finally became aware of when when other personal problems got me into counseling. In retrospect, I can see that I've always been moody, overly introspective and prone of fits of melancholy, but I always figured that was just me being a "tortured writer."