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aruna
07-17-2006, 09:06 PM
I always wanted a Mommy like they had in books and like all my friends had. One who made Christmas decrations with you and baked cakes and when you came home from school the house would be smelling of roast chicken and whatever. What I got was THIS. (http://www.stabroeknews.com/index.pl/article_local_news?id=56499640)

As far back as I can remember people have been telling me how great my mother is. A shining light, an example to folllow. But I never appreciated it, I only wanted "a real Mommy". A couple of years I actively rebelled against her influence. I was happy to be a hippie.

I swore that when I had kids I would be a real Mommy and do all those Mommy things, but what happened is that I cannot bake cookies or cake and (hate the effort) and am absolutely not the domestic type. I like to write and I forget to cook meals when I am stuck inside a story.

What is wrong with me? What is a real Mommy? Do you have one, are you one?

Shadow_Ferret
07-17-2006, 09:09 PM
Freak. :D

MidnightMuse
07-17-2006, 09:09 PM
Real Mommies are fictional.

Shadow_Ferret
07-17-2006, 09:18 PM
No. Real mommies are a diverse group. The Mrs. Cleaver types are fictional.

NeuroFizz
07-17-2006, 09:19 PM
Real mommies have nothing to do with cookies and cake. They put their kids first in all of the important ways, and that's about it. Kind of like spending a lot of money to get them into quality schools even though it constricts the family finances. Right, Sharon?

reph
07-17-2006, 09:30 PM
What is wrong with me?Maybe you inherited her temperament.

Please tell me you're not serious about thinking it wrong. Do you know how many women are cookie bakers and would give it up in a second to be acclaimed writers?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
07-17-2006, 09:31 PM
I'm a firm believer that June Cleaver and her fictional ilk are what's wrong with some of our families today. Trying to live up to a myth has warped many women who can't live up to that unreasonable standard.

NeuroFizz
07-17-2006, 09:32 PM
June was doing Eddie H. when Ward wasn't around. That's why Eddie was so polite when he came over.

Shadow_Ferret
07-17-2006, 09:34 PM
That's really not an image I wanted in my head.

Ever.

CaroGirl
07-17-2006, 09:40 PM
The Perfect Mother is an illusory ideal. Doesn't exist, no matter what we think. My mother stayed home and was, to all intents and purposes, the "ideal" mother. She wasn't. She had her faults (that I won't list here).

Maybe to other people I look like the ideal mother. BUT, try as I might, I get impatient with my kids, I put unrealistic expectations on them, words and phrases tumble out of my mouth at them that I don't mean and can't take back.

No one can do it all, and be all things to all people. All you can be is yourself. All your mother can be is herself.

TeddyG
07-17-2006, 09:45 PM
Real Mommies have great legs and are speed demons on the road...
http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/dirtbox/pics/muttley.gif

writerterri
07-17-2006, 09:54 PM
I'll bake cookies as long as I can pull them out of a package and bake them. Cake comes along once in a blue moon (thanks to Betty Crocker). I'll make your dinner, but you need to get your own drink and kids clean off the table. If you make a bowl of cereal, rinse the dish out and put it to the side. Lunch is iffy. I don't like peanut butter in the jelly and vise versa, so I'll help, but you have to clean up your mess. Do your chores or you don't get paid for that day, and behave or your working for free. If you mess it up, clean it up. And you get two choices at meal time, what being served or hunger pains.

Now the things that matter. Mom loves you no matter how you behave. If your hurting come tell me so I can help you. You can tell me anything even if you get in trouble. If you do something wrong you get forgiveness, but your not excused from the consequences. Kissed and hugs are an all day affair no matter what is going on. Your family comes first. Give to someone who needs even if they can't pay you back. Never keep a score. Always say your sorry. If someone hurts you forgive them right away. Your body is private and no one is allowed to touch it. If someone does you are allowed to tell me and not get in any kind of trouble. Pay your bills. Tithe to God. Pray and read your Bible. No Question is too stupid to ask. Love and take care of your family no matter how they act even if it's tough love. And treat someone how you want to be treated.

My parents were alcoholic and drug addicted and my dad violated me for 15 years.

I'd say your pretty A-OK in my book, Aruna.

writerterri
07-17-2006, 09:55 PM
The Perfect Mother is an illusory ideal. Doesn't exist, no matter what we think. My mother stayed home and was, to all intents and purposes, the "ideal" mother. She wasn't. She had her faults (that I won't list here).

Maybe to other people I look like the ideal mother. BUT, try as I might, I get impatient with my kids, I put unrealistic expectations on them, words and phrases tumble out of my mouth at them that I don't mean and can't take back.

No one can do it all, and be all things to all people. All you can be is yourself. All your mother can be is herself.


I fall there too.

CaroGirl
07-17-2006, 10:03 PM
I fall there too.
"Fall" is the operative word there.

Kudos to you, Terri, for turning the tide of your own childhood to be the best mother you can be.

kikazaru
07-17-2006, 10:10 PM
I hate the "real mommy" ideal. I try my best, but even on my best days I fall woefully short of being a June Cleaver type. I like to bake, but that means any baking in the house just gets in my mouth, and as a result my kids don't get any. It just seems crueler to me by far, to have the lingering aroma of cookies that "were" to tantalize the kidlets, than to not have any at all ("yes dears you do smell chocolate chip cookies, but mommy ate them all"). As a consequence I don't bake much any more.

I try to be soft spoken and understanding like June, but the fact is I'm just not and it doesn't help the fact that kids do things that would try the patience of Mother Theresa (and the only similarities between me and MT are the fact that we both are women), so I yell at them - often - I even yell at the neighbour kids.

I embarrass them regularily - either by saying hello to them in their school hall, or by doing my morning garden inspection in my nightgown, or by being such a poor hostess as to be unable to provide juice boxes at a moments notice for a whole raft of kids who wander by to play a quick game of street hockey with my son.

I am almost always wrong (doesn't matter what the subject), never make the right grocery choices, or cook the right meals. I don't buy the coolest gadgets for them, nor do they have unlimited funds to blow on crap at the candy store. I won't let them watch movies that I deem unsuitable, nor do I give a rip that all their friends can do (*insert unsuitable/dangerous activity here*) and they can't. I am their mother and as such, it gives me the right to abuse the privilage of saying "no."

You can't be what you aren't (and June Cleaver I am not) - but I would bet any money the real June Cleaver wasn't either.

PS I've set some money aside for future therapy for my kids if they need it, but so far all indications are, that despite having me as a mother, they are growing up pretty normal.

PeeDee
07-17-2006, 10:15 PM
My mom was, I guess, a "real mommy." She was a stay-at-home mom, she was pretty much word-for-word what Terri describes (it was a bit unnerving to read!) and she loves to cook. It got weird when I hit my teenage years, because at about the same time she started to experiment with her cooking. She's an extremely good cook with a very wide range, but the night after you have delicious hommade tortillas, you find yourself eating a spongy thing which is either tofu, or the cat. She tamed once I moved out, which figures.

She also introduced me to a lot of really, really good books, has a terrifying legal mind, cares about everyone, and didn't try to push me with my writing (pushing me is a good way to get me to instantly stop doing something).

So I got lucky. :)

PattiTheWicked
07-17-2006, 10:20 PM
I do the best I can do for my family. I bake, I cook, I clean. I also mow the grass, make crafts, paint walls, kiss boo boos when they're hurting, draw pirate ships to be colored, and most importantly, accept that there are things I just may not get around to today.

I love my kids, and no one cares if I forget to vaccuum.

threedogpeople
07-17-2006, 10:24 PM
Real Mommies are fictional.

I have to disagree...I had a "real" mommy. She drove me absolutely NUTS. I learned to walk at 7 months so she would quit carrying me everywhere. She went on every, single school outing we ever had and volunteered for every school event. I was so overprotected that I was smothered and I couldn't wait to get out of the household (I got married the 1st time when I was 17).

It took me 15 years of being out of the house to put it all in perspective and to realize that it could have been much worse growing up. But, like I said, it drove me NUTS. My mother still crys every time I call - "she misses me sooooo much". When we visit (only 5 times in 18 years) it still tries my patience. But, it made me fiercely independent and I always knew that I was loved.

So, back to your question, love your children, that's all they really want. It's more important that they have a happy and fulfilled mom than June Cleaver.

Kids don't care about 4 course dinners every night - they like pizza, hot dogs, etc. As long as they are healthy - who cares ? (kids don't).

Judy

MidnightMuse
07-17-2006, 10:37 PM
"Real" Mommies being some fictionalized notion of what every woman feels is what a real mommy should be - that is.

Real Mommies are Real Women living Real lives, doing the best they can in whatever way possible.

How can any one of them be wrong?

(note - I'm not a mommy, but I do have one)

We were all asked one day, in High School creative writing class, to describe our mothers. At first I was about to do what everyone else was doing: Mom stayed at home while we were young, then started working so we had to learn chores. She cooks, bakes, takes an interest in us but she's a little clueless . . . etc.

Then I stopped and thought about my Mom.

At the age of 16, she found her mother dead when she came home from school one day. Her Mom had killed herself, leaving behind twin girls. Her father went crazy, and had to be committed, so Mom and her twin had to live with her married brother, who was newly married and couldn't handle the twins living there. So she and her sister ended up with an Aunt who didn't like them much, and at the age of 18 they were forced out on their own and had to get jobs in the big city.

She eventually married, had us, and became Mom.

From that day forward, I took my mother's LIFE into consideration whenever I thought about how she acted as a mother.

I think if your kids are alive, healthy, happy and not serial killers, you're a Good Mother.

TsukiRyoko
07-17-2006, 10:44 PM
A real mother shouldn't be judged on hwo she acts. It doesn't matter what you do, all that matters is that you do it with your kids at mind. If you truly care about them, then it doesn't matter if you bake Christmas cookies or beat the hell out of Santa, as long as you're doing it with your kids best interest in your heart.


You seem like a fine parent :).

billythrilly7th
07-17-2006, 10:49 PM
I've always believed that mommies are people, people with children.
When mommies were little, they used to be girls.
Like some of you, but then they grew.
And now mommies are women, women with children.
Busy with children, and things that they do.
There are a lot of things a lot of mommies can do.

Some mommies are ranchers, or poetry makers.
Or doctors or teachers, or cleaners or bakers.
Some mommies drive taxis, or sing on TV.
Yeah, mommies can be almost anything they want to be.

Shadow_Ferret
07-17-2006, 10:55 PM
Who are you and what did you do with our billy?

Kate Thornton
07-18-2006, 12:06 AM
My Mommie was a real mommie - she dressed funny and was very active in the community. She knew how to cook about four or five things, so that's what we ate and what I learned to cook as a child.

Daddy did the baking in our house - he was funny and smart and looked so nice in his Navy uniform. We all missed him when he was out at sea. Mommie was a stand-in Daddy when he was gone, smart and funny and resourceful. She could make $40 last all month, feeding 2 kids and still making us feel rich.

Daddy got his turn as a stand-in Mommy, too. And he was great at it - teaching me to drive, picking out my senior prom dress...

Mommie got us library cards, went thrift shopping, worked part time as a nurse, and saw us through all the childhood diseases.

Our house was never immaculate, she struggled with her weight and a need for creative expression which I don't think was ever fulfilled. She wore hats when *no one else's* mom did.

We miss her terribly - she succumbed to emphysema at age 34. We miss Daddy, too, who was killed in 1983 at age 58. My brother and I feel very much that we had an idyllic childhood, though. They were great parents.

What better measure of a parent than the love of their children?

Pomegranate
07-18-2006, 12:08 AM
I have a "real" mommy. From when I was about 3 (when she married my stepdad) until I was 12 (and she got a job prior to getting a divorce) my mom was home with me every day.

She baked cookies, made halloween costumes, cooked dinner every night, and all that stuff. It was great. I never thought about it being unusual, because most of my friends' parents did the same thing. But my mom was never a "perfect" mommy. No one is perfect. She had a temper. We had fights. We drove each other crazy.

I'd say my mom was a "good enough" mommy. She loved me. She tried to teach me things that would help me be a good person and get along in the world. She let me see that she was an individual person, not just a mom. She did the best she could and it was good enough.

The most memorable "mom" things I remember my mom saying were:

"I love you. I'll always love you no matter what. But I don't like you right now, so go to your room."

"I don't want to make you do it anymore than you want to do it. But I have to because I'm your mom and it's my job to make sure you learn how to do this."

Aruna, your mom sounds like an amazing person. It must have been difficult to grow up in the shadow of someone larger than life. Yet, from the posts I read here, it seems like you grew up to be a pretty amazing person too. You love your kids and want to do your best for them. That sounds like a "real mommy" to me.

I think you should cut yourself some slack. The best gift you can give your kids is to love them unconditionally and make sure they know it. If you do your best to teach them how to be functioning adults, that's more important than whether they got cookies after school every day.

DamaNegra
07-18-2006, 12:09 AM
My mom could be considered a 'real mom'.

She wakes up real early to make our breakfast (something simple, but it's the thought that counts) and to prepare us a healthy lunch that we can take to school (she doesn't do that with me anymore, but that's because I asked her not to). She drives us to school instead of putting us on the bus and then stops whatever she's doing to pick us from school. When we arrive home, the food's almost ready and everything smells delicious (except when there's fish). When we were little, she tucked us in at nights and often stayed with us for hours until we fell asleep.

Of course, she has her flaws, but they are so few they are easily forgiven.

I have been greatly blessed to have a mother like the one I have.

writerterri
07-18-2006, 02:41 AM
Oh, no. I'm putting my kids on the bus so I can save money on gas and have more time to myself. Should I be worried?

Christine N.
07-18-2006, 02:58 AM
<hangs head in shame>

I bake cookies. From scratch. And cake (but sometimes use a box). And cheesecake and pies, with homemade crust.

I'm sorry.

Serenity
07-18-2006, 03:26 AM
My mom is my best friend. I've said before that she has always treated me like her child, not just a child. My mom has cooked meals, baked cookies, but not every day or week. The cookies and cakes were for special occasions. My mom had a job when I was little, but then stayed at home after my brother was born until we were both in elementary school.

She never bought us the 'fad' toys, mainly because she knew my attention span and that I would lose interest after about a week. I was always outdoors anyhow, pretending to be fighting with G.I. Joe. (Yes, I was such a tomboy, and proud of it!) She taught me how to be who I am and I love her for that more than any cake she might have made or toy she might have gotten for me.

She's there for me, even now, when I need her and has no expectations of me other than I respect and love her.

She loves me unconditionally, even if she made me make my own lunches once I got into jr. high school (middle school for most other folks). She loves me no matter what, even if she asks that maybe someone else in the family make dinner for once.

Did other families have 'more' than we did? Sure. Did I ever feel I had less? Not a damn day. Every thing my mother did (or didn't do- when she simply needed a break) was for her family.

That's a mommy to me.

reph
07-18-2006, 03:43 AM
Oh, no. I'm putting my kids on the bus so I can save money on gas and have more time to myself. Should I be worried?I don't know. Did you give them round-trip tickets or one-way?

dahmnait
07-18-2006, 04:38 AM
Real Mommies have great legs and are speed demons on the road...
http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/dirtbox/pics/muttley.gifCool. I'm a real mommy.

dahmnait
07-18-2006, 04:42 AM
On the serious side, my kids love what I do for them. Even though my daughter ends up doing most of the cooking and we all share in the cleaning. She is proud of who I am and thinks it is cool that I write and own my own business. (She told me so.) I do the best I can by them. I don't always succeed in doing what I would like to do, but I do my best and they know that I love them. To me, that is more important than all the cookies in the world.

Gehanna
07-18-2006, 04:59 AM
My mother was a classic mom. She did do all those mommie things. I am not a classic mom at all. I have talked with my children about this and I have asked them how they feel about my not being a classic mom.

What I discovered from my children is, they do not care about mommie type. They care about mommie quality.

I have found that anytime I begin to question myself as a mother, I go to my children and ask for their feedback. Family communication is very important to me because I know that I am not a perfect parent.

psy7ven

writerterri
07-18-2006, 06:54 AM
I don't know. Did you give them round-trip tickets or one-way?


Oops. :D

aruna
07-18-2006, 09:17 AM
What wonderful responses!
I htink if you would ask my children, they'd say I am the best mother in the world, even though they complain about various stuff that a traditional mom would do. But you know what? My son is a fantastic cook, and my daughter is a fantastic cleaner! If I invite someone over I ask HIM to do the cooking, and if the house is a mess she can put it straight in a blitz. They also complain that I appear rude, in that I get into this dreamy sort of state where I don't notice people, and their freinds think I am ignoring them. My kids tel thir friends no, she isn't rude, it's just that she's a writer and a bit weird!

Though I know my mother loved me beyond words she had trouble expressing it. She apperas cold, even though she isn't, and that's probably what I mean with a real mom - I missed that touchy-feely relationship, cuddling, nighttime stories and such.

More than not being a good mother, I feel I feel I am not a good daughter; I left my country - and her - behind when I was 19 and never really looked back. She has been all on her own all these years, and never had much from me, or my children when they were growing up. I feel she should be near us, now that she's approaching 90, and I wonder how much she really misses - because she would never tell me if she did want us near. It's hard, being an ocean away!

Melisande
07-18-2006, 09:23 AM
I have a 'real' Mother. She is wonderful, everyones best friend, bakes and cooks well and keeps the house clean. Popular as few and a real force.

But where was she when I got abused by my father?

So not there for me.

But I still like her baking, and she has no idea I recent her.

aruna
07-18-2006, 09:33 AM
I'm a firm believer that June Cleaver and her fictional ilk are what's wrong with some of our families today. Trying to live up to a myth has warped many women who can't live up to that unreasonable standard.

Unfortunately, I've never heard of June Cleaver so many of the references were lost on me... but I assume she's some sort of celebrity perfrct Mom?

However, I don't think it's all a myth. I had one particular mother I looked up to, Mrs Kerry, my best friend's mom. She did all those things and just loved it. She was also an accomplished pianist and it was she who introduced classical music to Guyana in a big way. I think if she had gone after it she could have had some sort of a career as a pianist (though admittedly, a pianist career in Guyana wouldn't have been anything big); instead, she gave piano lessons.

My friend Uschi was also such a mother. An absolute angel, as al her children would testify. She died two years ago of cancer.

The thing is, being like that came naturally to both Mrs K and Uschi. To me, it didn't.

So... No, reph, I don't seriously think something is wrong with me for not being domestic. I know my kids don't mind; they know my flaws and tell me. There are things I do wish I'd done; in my daughter's case, she keeps bringing up the fact that she SO longed for a Baby Born when she was small and I never bought her one, and never a Barbie doll. ( I Loathed Barbie!).

dahmnait
07-18-2006, 09:41 AM
There are things I do wish I'd done; in my daughter's case, she keeps bringing up the fact that she SO longed for a Baby Born when she was small and I never bought her one, and never a Barbie doll. ( I Loathed Barbie!).If that is what she complains about, you have done a good job. :)

P.H.Delarran
07-18-2006, 09:42 AM
these 'perfect' moms you mention, Uschi and Mrs. Kerry, have something in common Aruna. they loved what they did. any mother who loves what she does is giving her child something valuable, whether it's warm cookies or new books hot off the press.
determination, individuality, and an open mind are all qualities that your kids will treasure in you and perhaps one day aspire to themselves. domesticality done only to serve others without personal enjoyment has led many a woman into unhappiness. you are genuine and true to yourself and that's important. your kids see you happy and that's where the real nurturing begins.

dahmnait
07-18-2006, 09:44 AM
determination, individuality, and an open mind are all qualities that your kids will treasure in you and perhaps one day aspire to themselves. domesticality done only to serve others without personal enjoyment has led many a woman into unhappiness. you are genuine and true to yourself and that's important. your kids see you happy and that's where the true nurturing begins.These are the traits I learned from my mom. She wasn't even close to being the "perfect" mother, but she was perfect for me.

NeuroFizz
07-18-2006, 05:26 PM
I miss my mom. I regret she never got to see her two newest grandchildren.

Soccer Mom
07-18-2006, 07:42 PM
Gosh, y'all are losers. I am the perfect mom. I cook and clean and cater to my children and husband. When they arrive home, I am waiting with a smile and a fresh meal. My hair is done and my make-up is flawless.

I volunteer my time in the community and get up at the crack of dawn to make sure everyone has a nutritious hot breakfast.

I speak seven languages and consult with a number of world leaders about foreign policy.

In my spare time I work on my research to cure cancer.

Did I mention I'm also a compulsive liar?

Time for Mommy to take her special medecine again.

Lady Cat
07-18-2006, 08:14 PM
My mother worked full time as a nurse and yet still did all the housework, sewed new clothes for my sisters and I, baked cookies, cake, bread, etc. and took care of a large garden. And I remember her reading to me at night before bed too. But when I remember her I remember her always working at something.

My mother was gone by the time I was married and had a child of my own, but I stayed home and baked cookies and sewed pretty dresses for my daughter. We went to the park, made Christmas decorations every year, and I read to her at night.

I ended up with clinical depression (which I'm still fighting).

I think a "real" mother is an illusion brought on by TV fantasies.

Bmwhtly
07-18-2006, 08:15 PM
I think a "real" mother is an illusion brought on by TV fantasies.
Nail on the head

reph
07-18-2006, 08:21 PM
aruna, June Cleaver was a fictional character, the mother in the 1950s sitcom Leave It to Beaver, whose main character was a boy, "Beaver" Cleaver. June usually wore a shirtwaist dress, an apron, and high heels. She spent much of her time vacuuming (UK: hoovering), still in the high heels. She always made wise decisions, and her hair looked perfect.

Pomegranate
07-18-2006, 08:38 PM
...any mother who loves what she does is giving her child something valuable, whether it's warm cookies or new books hot off the press...

This is so true! A friend was recently talking to me about how she felt guilty about ending a bad marriage because her daughter was upset about the divorce. I told her a story about my mom. My parents divorced when I was 12 (this was in 1974).

Pre-divorce, my mom wore lots of black, dark brown and navy blue. Her hair was dark brown. She put a good face on things but she was very unhappy.
Post-divorce, I noticed that mom's wardrobe changed. She started buying clothes in bright colors and dyed her hair bright red.

I looked at her one day and asked if she was happy. She was kind of surprised by the question. she said yes, and asked how I could tell. I pointed out the change in her appearance.

I loved seeing my mother happy. I think a parent has to show by example that it is important to make choices that make oneself happy not simply be self sacrificing for everyone else.

aruna
07-18-2006, 09:01 PM
aruna, June Cleaver was a fictional character, the mother in the 1950s sitcom Leave It to Beaver, whose main character was a boy, "Beaver" Cleaver. June usually wore a shirtwaist dress, an apron, and high heels. She spent much of her time vacuuming (UK: hoovering), still in the high heels. She always made wise decisions, and her hair looked perfect.

aha, so a kind of Stepford wife?


I ended up with clinical depression (which I'm still fighting).

I think a "real" mother is an illusion brought on by TV fantasies.

I don't think that WHAT you did brought on your clinical depression, but the fact that you found no joy in it. As someone said upthread, there are mothers who are naturals at the mommy role, and I think they and not the media or anything else (I've seen this type in countries where there is no TV, for instance, and there was certainly no TV when Mrs Kerry was around) that have created the image; just as there is a high standard that not everyone can reach in every profession.

But as has been repeated throughout this thread, what counts is the love and the sincerity with which we raise our children. Its that they feel, no matter what we do, whether we can bake cakes and baste a turkey or not.

The key thought is that one must be genuinely happy in that role, genuinly warm. If it's just acting the part as duty it's no good. I longed to be a natural, which I wasn't.

Pomegranate
07-18-2006, 10:08 PM
aha, so a kind of Stepford wife?

I think June Cleaver was a little closer to the mom in
Pleasantville (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120789/) than to a stepford wife. ;)


(edited to fix HTML- thanks Cthulu)

Cthulhu
07-18-2006, 11:50 PM
Pleasantville was a fun movie. I think...I don't think I ever saw all of it, to tell the truth.

P.S. - Put quotes around the URL there... so it's like thus - [HTML="blahblah.com"]

aspier
07-19-2006, 12:48 AM
I don't find the beginning of this tread ... probably too many posts, etc. Mommies always do the right thing ... in the end, so don't worry Aruna!

Shweta
07-19-2006, 06:08 AM
My mother was always something of a perfect-mother. Stayed at home, cooked, cleaned, made me clothes, made clothes for my dolls...

When I went off to college, I think it was a weight off her shoulders (I'm the younger one). Now she makes the most gorgeous quilts, and stained glass, and just -- wonderful stuff. And I wish I'd realized, earlier, that in being a good-mother she didn't have much time for her own creative pursuits. I find myself wishing she'd ironed fewer clothes and made more beautiful things, and I'm very glad she has the time to do so now.

And I think perhaps because she's happier? And perhaps because she's not stuck in the perfect-mother mold? We get along a lot better.

AnnMB
07-19-2006, 07:26 AM
What is wrong with me? What is a real Mommy? Do you have one, are you one?

My "mommy" routinely beat the tar out of me with my father's belt, and told me at least once a day how I was a "mistake," and that she never wanted me to be born.

I'm the Mommy now. The job does not come with an instruction book but as far as I can figure, it goes something like this: love your kids like crazy, spend time with them just doing silly stuff, try to instill values through example, tell them at least once a day how awesome they are, when they screw up, let them know it's okay, and when you screw up, make sure you tell them your sorry.

L M Ashton
07-19-2006, 08:09 AM
My mother was a stay at mom, cooked, cleaned, baked bread, canned in the summer, sewed, quilted, and all that other domestic stuff. She also beat the hell out of me, cussed me like you wouldn't believe, called me names, told me how much she hated me, treated me like a slave, and didn't love me even a tiny little bit. She put me in harms way more times than I can count and did absolutely nothing to protect me from evil or from harm.

She's not a "real mom".

As far as I'm concerned, a real mom loves her kids. A real mom treats her kids with respect and dignity and protects them from harm. A real mom teaches her children how to grow up to be self-sufficient, responsible, contributing member of society. A real mom teaches her kids how to be social, kind, and respectful of others. A real mom teachers her kids how to love. A real mom teaches her kids good morals and values.

Baking bread or cookies, cooking meals from scratch, sewing and quilting and all that other domestic stuff - it's all window dressing. Icing on the cake. But necessary to be a real mom? No way.

Elizabeth Slick
07-19-2006, 09:38 AM
Just be the best mother you can and try to spend quality time with the children. If you feel like talking, a psychologist is always good. I go every so often just to clear the air. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with you to go. You do not have to be crazy. Follow how you feel inside and listen to yourself. Children like anything! Even five minutes of reading a book with them can make a world of difference. I work from home and make time through out the day to stop and take a break for my two boys. When they get older, you can't go back. They will appreciate it and grow up to be stronger people with the love you give them. There is not enough love these days or parental support and guidance. Good luck. They are worth it.

Alan Yee
07-19-2006, 10:01 AM
Ann and quid:

Since I'm going through puberty, I don't always get along with my mother. She loves me and cares about me too much, and so it's hard for her to accept that I'm growing up and to start letting go. After reading your horror stories, I'm just thankful my mom actually loves me, which is why she tends to be over-protective. The sheltering means she actually cares about me (even though I've sometimes said otherwise when I got frustrated). But throughout my ongoing battle with Asperger's, she's been there every second of every minute of it. She's always there whenever I have school-related problems. She takes me to my doctor's appointments. She actually searched everywhere in Western Washington State to find doctors who could find out what was wrong with me until she found the one I'm currently with, who was the one who diagnosed the disorder. That's what I would call a real mom. And I love my mother deeply for everything, and for all the pain and frustration she's suffered on account of me.

In my mind, yours weren't real Mommies. They're more like... well, you can fill in your own colorful descriptions.

NightWynde
07-19-2006, 11:00 AM
My Mom was what could be considered close to ideal. The house was spotless, she baked...a lot, she volunteered in the community, had a knack for finding part time jobs that she both loved and wouldn't interfere with her being home when we arrived from school. The best thing though was the hot cocoa. She always had that ready for us whenever it was raining.

I am soooooooooooo not like her. My home is (my husband's words) passable. I enjoy baking, but only when the kids are helping. Volunteering in this community requires driving miles all over the place, and we can't afford the gas at these prices so it's not worth it. Even when we did live in a neighborhood where things were close by I couldn't find a job that fit around my kids' schedule (not that this is necessarily a bad thing since it would cut into my writing time).

I'm stricter than she was and I'm also more likely to prank my kids as opposed to the other way around.

My kids though, are happier than I remember being. My 7yo thought it was funny as an all get out when Mom woke him up with a water balloon and my 9yo is following my footsteps as a writer. They love the fact that I can tell them more about monsters than anyone else they have met.

I don't spazz when they or their room is a mess. Both of them will clean up eventually. Chaos is the norm around here and I wouldn't have it any other way.

There is, however, one thing I do that is the same as my Mom. Whenever it rains, there is always hot cocoa.

L M Ashton
07-19-2006, 05:02 PM
Ann and quid:

Since I'm going through puberty, I don't always get along with my mother. She loves me and cares about me too much, and so it's hard for her to accept that I'm growing up and to start letting go. After reading your horror stories, I'm just thankful my mom actually loves me, which is why she tends to be over-protective. The sheltering means she actually cares about me (even though I've sometimes said otherwise when I got frustrated). But throughout my ongoing battle with Asperger's, she's been there every second of every minute of it. She's always there whenever I have school-related problems. She takes me to my doctor's appointments. She actually searched everywhere in Western Washington State to find doctors who could find out what was wrong with me until she found the one I'm currently with, who was the one who diagnosed the disorder. That's what I would call a real mom. And I love my mother deeply for everything, and for all the pain and frustration she's suffered on account of me.

In my mind, yours weren't real Mommies. They're more like... well, you can fill in your own colorful descriptions.Alan, I'm glad you realize that rules means she loves you. You're showing a lot of maturity and wisdom in this post beyond what I normally expect from someone your age. :) (And no, I'm not bashing young people - I'm basing it on my experience with people that age when I was that age. :))

Not getting along with your mother all the time is normal. I don't know that you'll run across very many people, if at all, who you always get along with. But recognizing that that is not, in and of itself, a limitation to the relationship is, well, wise. :) Just make sure you tell your mom how much you love her and you could even add why. I don't know of anyone who doesn't like to hear things like that. :)

And yeah, I have called my mother many names over the years. I can be pretty creative. :tongue

Kate Thornton
07-19-2006, 05:59 PM
For all of you who have had the nightmare of mothers or fathers who have hurt you - I am so sorry and wish there was something I could do to make it better. I admire your strength.

I am so grateful for the short time I had with my wonderful parents.

And Alan, you've got a wonderful Mom - let her know you know that!
Everyone with parents who are trying, let them know you appreciate it.

eldragon
07-19-2006, 06:03 PM
I have to disagree...I had a "real" mommy. She drove me absolutely NUTS. I learned to walk at 7 months so she would quit carrying me everywhere. She went on every, single school outing we ever had and volunteered for every school event. I was so overprotected that I was smothered and I couldn't wait to get out of the household (I got married the 1st time when I was 17).

It took me 15 years of being out of the house to put it all in perspective and to realize that it could have been much worse growing up. But, like I said, it drove me NUTS. My mother still crys every time I call - "she misses me sooooo much". When we visit (only 5 times in 18 years) it still tries my patience. But, it made me fiercely independent and I always knew that I was loved.

Threedogpeople - you are describing my mother-n-law.

A heart of gold, but she'll drive you nuts with her cleaning and pestering.

Jenan Mac
07-19-2006, 06:25 PM
Screw the cookies. You can buy those from the store. As long as your kids know you'll always have their backs, you're a Real Mommy.

aruna
07-19-2006, 07:34 PM
Just wanted to add that I don't think that being a "real Mommy" involves spoiling a kid, overprotecting it,. giving it everything it wants... how awful! I'm realy glad that my mother allowed me to discover stuff for myself, never forced me in in any particular direction (though acrtually I would have appreciated a LITTLE guidance, and even a word of command, especially concerning boys!). I used to think I was neglected; but it al worked out for the best because it made me independent, and I like that.

Soccer Mom
07-19-2006, 07:43 PM
[quote=Alan Yee]Ann and quid:

Since I'm going through puberty, I don't always get along with my mother. She loves me and cares about me too much, and so it's hard for her to accept that I'm growing up and to start letting go. After reading your horror stories, I'm just thankful my mom actually loves me, which is why she tends to be over-protective. The sheltering means she actually cares about me (even though I've sometimes said otherwise when I got frustrated).
All I can say is that it gets better. My mom was great, but it took some perspective. As soon as I hit 18 I hightailed it out of the house. I moved several hours away to establish my independence.

Now, ahem, several decades later, I realize her wisdom and humor. I would want to hang out with her even if she wasn't my mother. We live close together now (on the same street!) and I see her every day. She's my role model. I am sure I drive my kids nuts sometimes, but I persevere. It's worth it.

You sound like a very mature kid. You and your mom are lucky to have one another.