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Gregg Bell
04-20-2019, 08:54 AM
Here's three sentences to give you a little context:

She looked out the window. A giant heating vent on another hospital building roof belched steam into the gray sky. She turned back to her father.

A woman is lying in a hospital bed. She looks out the window and sees another buiding's roof and the steam coming out. Anyway, I just got weirded out with this sentence:


A giant heating vent on another hospital building roof belched steam into the gray sky.

I tried all kinds of versions like:

A giant heating vent on another hospital building's roof...

I just wasn't sure. Anybody know a good way to go? Thanks.

Helix
04-20-2019, 09:19 AM
How about just dropping the 'building'? So 'another hospital roof' or 'hospital's roof'. Or just 'a/nother roof'?

And now I've typed roof so many times, it doesn't look like a real word.

Kbars
04-20-2019, 09:42 AM
Why not combine the first two sentences?

"She gazed out the window and saw steam belching into the sky from a vent on an adjacent building."

I colored it up a little as well. I always try to avoid giant. And gazed has more emotion for me... :)

Cindyt
04-20-2019, 11:08 AM
I like both versions.

What about this: She gazed out the window and saw steam belching from another hospital's roof.

Bufty
04-20-2019, 02:29 PM
Aim for flow. Try leaving out the 'She looked out the window'.

Presumably, for some reason she's turned away from her father and the sentence re the vent makes it clear she's seeing something outside. Is that 'reason' linked to whatever she is seeing? I don't see anything wrong with the sentence you have but you could reverse it, say . Steam belched from a heating vent on an adjacent rooftop.



Does seeing that steam trigger anything? If not, why mention it?


Good luck.:Hug2:

....QUOTE=Gregg Bell;10531007]Here's three sentences to give you a little context:

She looked out the window. A giant heating vent on another hospital building roof belched steam into the gray sky. She turned back to her father.

A woman is lying in a hospital bed. She looks out the window and sees another buiding's roof and the steam coming out. Anyway, I just got weirded out with this sentence:



I tried all kinds of versions like:

A giant heating vent on another hospital building's roof...

I just wasn't sure. Anybody know a good way to go? Thanks.[/QUOTE]

Gregg Bell
04-21-2019, 02:05 AM
How about just dropping the 'building'? So 'another hospital roof' or 'hospital's roof'. Or just 'a/nother roof'? Thanks. I think "another hospital roof" works for me.




And now I've typed roof so many times, it doesn't look like a real word.

LOL (It's real.)


Why not combine the first two sentences?

"She gazed out the window and saw steam belching into the sky from a vent on an adjacent building."

I colored it up a little as well. I always try to avoid giant. And gazed has more emotion for me... :)
Thanks Kbars. I like your sentence but I need the pause between sentences. (It's a very emotional scene.) And "gazing" is too gentle. She just looks.

I like both versions.

What about this: She gazed out the window and saw steam belching from another hospital's roof.

Thanks Cindy. I like it but it kind of sounds like two different hospitals.


Aim for flow. Try leaving out the 'She looked out the window'.

Presumably, for some reason she's turned away from her father and the sentence re the vent makes it clear she's seeing something outside. Is that 'reason' linked to whatever she is seeing? I don't see anything wrong with the sentence you have but you could reverse it, say . Steam belched from a heating vent on an adjacent rooftop.



Does seeing that steam trigger anything? If not, why mention it?


Good luck.:Hug2:

....QUOTE=Gregg Bell;10531007]Here's three sentences to give you a little context:

She looked out the window. A giant heating vent on another hospital building roof belched steam into the gray sky. She turned back to her father.

A woman is lying in a hospital bed. She looks out the window and sees another buiding's roof and the steam coming out. Anyway, I just got weirded out with this sentence:



I tried all kinds of versions like:

A giant heating vent on another hospital building's roof...

I just wasn't sure. Anybody know a good way to go? Thanks.[/QUOTE]

Thanks Bufty. Interesting--taking out that first sentence. The steam is not symbolic. It's just a really heavy scene. It's just what she notices.

Elle.
04-21-2019, 03:29 AM
I agree with Bufty, “she looked out the window” is unnecessary filtering. You could say “outside” or “on the other side of the window”. We know from the POV that what is described is what the character sees.

Fallen
04-23-2019, 03:00 AM
sat east side on the hospital's roof, a giant heating vent belched steam into the gray sky. (?)

BradCarsten
04-23-2019, 03:33 AM
On the hospital roof across the way, A giant heating vent belched steam into the gray sky.

Greco
04-23-2019, 03:37 AM
I like both versions.

What about this: She gazed out the window and saw steam belching from another hospital's roof.

nice and clean

novicewriter
04-23-2019, 05:49 AM
Here's three sentences to give you a little context:

She looked out the window. A giant heating vent on another hospital building roof belched steam into the gray sky. She turned back to her father.

A woman is lying in a hospital bed. She looks out the window and sees another buiding's roof and the steam coming out. Anyway, I just got weirded out with this sentence:



I tried all kinds of versions like:

A giant heating vent on another hospital building's roof...

I just wasn't sure. Anybody know a good way to go? Thanks.

Perhaps, you could try something like, "She stared out the window, watching steam from an adjacent roof float into the gray sky."

TrapperViper
04-23-2019, 06:30 AM
On the hospital roof across the way, A giant heating vent belched steam into the gray sky.

+1

I liked use of the word belch too btw.

frimble3
04-23-2019, 10:33 AM
And, as for the significance of the steam, I was in hospital once, for a month, with a similar view of hospital roofs. Any little movement or change is noteworthy.

Gregg Bell
04-24-2019, 09:13 PM
Thanks everybody for the fab suggestions!