Structure question

indianroads · Mar 21, 2019

The first paragraph in the second chapter of WIP sort of came to me organically - it felt right... although the first sentence has a structure I've not tried before. I like the feel of it... but would appreciate comments.

By the way, this is just the first draft of the manuscript.

In darkness, confusion. Huge sections of granite fell thunderously around him. “Rose,” Liam whispered, then reached out and found her hand seeking his.

Chase · Mar 21, 2019

indianroads said:
In darkness, confusion. Huge sections of granite fell thunderously around him. “Rose,” Liam whispered, then reached out and found her hand seeking his.

This is only one old editor's opinion: I think the short fragment to open is structurally sound for a novel as fragments (short as yours) are pretty much okay in modern novels.

The rest is structured perfectly in my humble estimation. :greenie

BethS · Mar 23, 2019

indianroads said:
In darkness, confusion. Huge sections of granite fell thunderously around him.

“Rose,” Liam whispered, then reached out and found her hand seeking his.

You can start with a fragment, yes. But that one seems to hang there, unsupported and undeveloped. And "confusion" is so vague it's hard to tell what it's referring to. A state of mind? Chaotic events?

What if you started with a series of fragments? Example:

Darkness. Dust that burned the throat. The continued thunderous fall of huge sections of granite.

Or something like that. Just a suggestion.

A brief style comment: If "Liam" is the "him" mentioned in the first line, there's no need to name him in the second sentence. If he truly needs to be named (because otherwise the reader won't know who's POV it is), do it in the first sentence where it's less intrusive.

indianroads · Mar 24, 2019

BethS said:
You can start with a fragment, yes. But that one seems to hang there, unsupported and undeveloped. And "confusion" is so vague it's hard to tell what it's referring to. A state of mind? Chaotic events?

What if you started with a series of fragments? Example:

Darkness. Dust that burned the throat. The continued thunderous fall of huge sections of granite.

Or something like that. Just a suggestion.

A brief style comment: If "Liam" is the "him" mentioned in the first line, there's no need to name him in the second sentence. If he truly needs to be named (because otherwise the reader won't know who's POV it is), do it in the first sentence where it's less intrusive.

Great input - thanks.

Girlsgottawrite · Mar 24, 2019

In darkness, confusion. Huge sections of granite fell thunderously around him. “Rose,” Liam whispered, then reached out and found her hand seeking his.

This is only my opinion so please take it as such, but I always feel like the more succinct the better. Here I tried to replace multiple descriptive words with one strong one and removed the dialogue tag since you had action following it to tell us who was speaking. I don't always do this but in action scenes where you want to keep the writing tight, I think it's a good cal

Darkness. Confusion. Granite slabs crashed around him. “Rose,” Liam reached out and found her hand seeking his.

Hope that helps!

Structure question

indianroads

Wherever I go, there I am.

Chase

It Takes All of Us to End Racism

BethS

indianroads

Wherever I go, there I am.

Girlsgottawrite

I write at work...