What would you do?

Ditto, Kev.

Rob

Cinders and Fire! That's a difficult question.

I would go for the guy with teeth and claws.

It honestly depends. If I acted on it (and I'm human enough to admit that I just might) I'd probably give myself an ulcer. I don't do lies very well. I tend to worry excessively that someone will find out. I don't like hurting people, even if the ends would be more beneficial to myself than not. In the end- unless he would divorce his wife for a reason *other* than me- I would be more unhappy than happy.

If I ignored it, or excercised more will power than I think I actually have and walk away, it would just stay with me in my mind. There would always be that 'what if' floating around. It would be more bittersweet than the above scenario.

Frankly? I just don't know which of the two I would do.

nothing. wouldn't even speak of it.

It depends on many things.

Is that person in love with you, also?


If not, there is nothing to decide.


If that person is in love with you, too, and they have kids, the honorable thing to do is back off and wait.

If the person was happily married with a family and all of sudden decides they aren't so happy, I'd advise anyone to wait awhile. Back off.

Sometimes love isn't much more than lust.

Boredom becomes part of every marriage eventually, and you have to imagine how the persons spouse feels. If their marriage is in trouble, he/she has a right to know so they can work on it.

Having a third party come in and swipe a partner away isn't fair to the marriage or the family.


And, in my experience, you don't want to be with someone who leaves her/his family and spouse at the first sign of a crush, anyway. It will happen to you, too, after the daily routine sets in.


Thats why I suggest you wait.


I've been there and done that. I left my husband and he left his wife. I don't regret leaving my husband, but the man I left with wasn't so great after we had time to know each other, and the relationship lasted less than a year.


He was a stepping stone for me, a way to get out of an abusive and dull marriage.

hmmm...

I've been rather fond of someone's wife before... twice... but never madly in love, so it's hard to say. Are they separated? Already on the cusp of divorce anyway? Do they have kids? Doubt I'd pursue it for anything serious anyway, but these are mitigating factors...

Something sort of like this happened to me -- we decided to move in different directions and we only see each other at social occassions where there's a lot of other friends. He's since patched up his marriage and I'm very happy for the both of them. (his wife and I are friends, too, which made it so much easier for me to say no to him)

In my younger days, I might've been selfish and pursued him. Now, however, I would show respect for his committment and pursue a life without him.

Ray, chances are, over time, you'll be glad you didn't get her/him.

I think if it's really love, the feelings don't go away. But, as with any heartbreak, the pain becomes easier to live with over time. You learn to go on, and eventually you may fall in love again. It's harder if you remain in close contact with the person, but not impossible.

Sure it is. All questions are hypothetical.



It's for, "research purposes."

Are you sure it's not the "im horny" thread? Just re-worded?

Would you still be friends with them/her/him?

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Yep.

Or would you keep your distance and eventually drop out of sight?

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Nope.

Would you just live with that yearning for the rest of your life and hope the feeling will fade over time?

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Yep. It eventually fades into a memory like everything else.

maestrowork said:

To those who would do "nothing" about it: Would you still be friends with them/her/him? Or would you keep your distance and eventually drop out of sight? Would you just live with that yearning for the rest of your life and hope the feeling will fade over time?

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Still be friends, lying to myself that I could be cool about it, then not be cool about it and end up doing something impulsive/stupid/selfish/momentarily gratifying.

Sh** is dangerous though. I was kinda sorta messing/flirting with a married chick in my drinking crew for a hot second. Mostly just going to lunch together a lot, sneaking a hand hold, talking about stuff she didn't feel like she could talk to her husband about. Her dude & I weren't too cool, but he was okay. Buy each other drinks at the bar, share some jokes, be friendly, but not friends, you know? Anyway, he checked her cell phone records & saw she'd made a lot of calls to me, and of course he was aware that she wasn't happy. So he called me, putting 2 & 2 together, with the front that he was just calling about advice on how to save his marriage because he figured me & her were good friends & maybe she'd shared things with me she wasn't sharing with him. I played along on some "yeah, I'm at work right now though. Call me after five." He didn't have to come out and say "If I find out you're messing with my wife I'll gut you like a fish & choke you out with your small intestine" for me to get the message.

And yet, she's still in my drinking crew, & we're still pretending to be cool while occassionally getting a little too sauced & making googly eyes at each other. Stupid...

maestrowork said:

Now let's throw in a monkey wrench...

What if the spouse is your [best] friend, and he (or she) knows or suspects your feelings, and he (or she) expresses some kind of [mild] hostility?

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Now that, no question, no way I'd entertain the thought. If you sell out your friends like that it'll be your ruin. That's how I feel about it.

maestrowork said:

To those who would do "nothing" about it: Would you still be friends with them/her/him? Or would you keep your distance and eventually drop out of sight? Would you just live with that yearning for the rest of your life and hope the feeling will fade over time?

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Wouldn't do a thing even if I was still single. The only exception would be if this other person loved me back (not just lust) and they were planning on ending it with their significant other before anything serious happened. I wouldn't force them to leave this other person. They'd have to do it on their own.

As for remaining friends, depends on if I was friends with them before marriage, if I was, I'd still be but I'd limit my contact with them. If they weren't friends, I'd let them fade from my radar. There's too many interesting intelligent beautiful women out there to focus on one unattainable one for the rest of your life.

Nothing. Because that would mean I'd have to talk with her on a daily basis. I perfer to keep out relationship interesting.

That would be soooooo wrong. We have a responsibility to prevent ourselves from ending up in such situations. I don't believe the saying, "You can't help who you love." I think it's a conscious choice. Sure, there's the chemistry--that's just lust. Once that rears its ugly head, you should make yourself scarce. Acting on something like that just violates too many codes of ethics...

ETA: Yes, it would be different if I didn't know the spouse. Way different. Still wrong, but way different...

I have a good friend, we worked together a few years ago. Had a lot in common, did a lot of work together on a small team. He was unhappily married with a child. We both knew how we felt, and we left it alone. We were only friends, it was all wrong. But we remained friends. If you would have asked me at the time if I loved him, I probably would have said yes.
A couple of years later, I got married, and he got divorced from his wife about year after that. Again, being good friends and always having this chemistry between us, it was entirely out of the question and in fact, the question was never raised. I was perfectly happy in my life. Though he would always joke that I had to go get hitched, and I always remind him that he was married first.
We are still friends, he is nearly engaged, to a lovely girl, and as you know I am still happily married with two awesome kids. We have always stayed friends and we laugh about the misfortunes of timing. But I wouldn't change a thing. I'm happy with my choice of husband and very dedicated to him. I believe my friend is very happy in his life as well.
We talked about it one time. We had a couple of drinks and the conversation was sort of nice to finally get over, so we could just move on.
sorta like this.

"We could have been great together."
"But the timing."
"And we're happy where we are."
"But we could have been great."
"Sh!tty timing."
"But we're great friends."
"Always will be."

We both know that if things in our lives were different we probably would have given it a shot. Truth is, it probably would have burned out and I would have lost out on a great lifelong plutonic friendship. We've been friends for nearly 7 years.
Some things are better left untouched. This was one of them.
Yes, you can remain friends...friends who have mutual respect for the other's life the way it is. Friends who know that sometimes life throws curve balls. Friends who know that some love doesn't have to be acted on, and is meant to stay in the form of friendship. I'm blessed to have a him as a friend that would act the same as I in this situation.
And besides that situation, I agree with Kev and Rob, wouldn't happen, I'm too in love with my husband.

maestrowork said:

Does that mean the situation would be different for you if you a) don't know the spouse, or b) the spouse is clueless about your feelings... ?

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A) Don't know the spouse.

Whether or not they know about my feelings isn't so relevant as my relationship to that person. Messed up? Yeah, but it's real. If it's one of my friends, there's no way I'd go down that road, & I've had opportunity. But I just can't see myself doing one of my 'folks' dirty like that...