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- May 23, 2018
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- 75
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- Round Rock, Texas
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- www.jeffschanz.com
I'm trying to build a better synopsis for agents to read my book, "A VAMPYRE'S DAUGHTER". Can I get some help on which of these sounds better?
The first is my current version (#1), and the second is my new attempt (#2). Please let me know, if you were and agent or reader, which of these would get you more interested in my book. Or if NEITHER, than let me know why, and make a suggestion. Thanks!
---#1
Brandt has a death wish. He is tortured by horrific events in his recent past as an Army sergeant in Afghanistan, and is waging a rash personal war against an opium cartel that he holds responsible. In a near suicidal attempt to destroy the cartel leader's yacht, he is shipwrecked on a desolate island. The island’s only two residents are a beautiful and mysterious girl named Lia, and her frightening father. Strange indications point to them being vampires, but vampires aren’t real, are they? Brandt finds an old broken boat and sets to fixing it to get off the island. But as the days pass, he is more and more enchanted by sweet and gentle Lia who claims to be a benevolent vampyre. He doesn’t believe he deserves things like love and hope, yet they might lie in the embrace of this peculiar yet charming woman.
Her past has imprisoned her on the island, and his has imprisoned his soul, and both their worst fears come back to threaten their newfound hope together. Days earlier, Brandt would’ve traded his life for a chance at redemption against the cartel, but now there is more at stake than he is willing to sacrifice. In a battle to save their lives, Brandt will also fight for his soul against a terrifying enemy that is more powerful than he could have ever imagined.
---#2
Brandt wakes up in the ocean, floating on the wreckage of a boat he doesn't remember being on. With faltering consciousness, he doesn't know who saved him and brought him to a lonely island, but he is happy to be alive -- until his haunting memories return.
He finds that a stunning yet awkward girl named Lia has been caring for him, along with her mysterious and frightening father. They seem eccentric at first, until an astonishing truth surfaces: Lia has fangs. Real serpent-like fangs. She confesses to be a vampyre, and yet promises no harm to Brandt.
Panicking, Brandt tries to escape the island, but the only way is via a wrecked boat that isn't seaworthy. There is nowhere on the small island to hide. He must come to grips with his new neighbors, and find a way to accept their friendship if they are all to survive. Because there are real monsters hunting Brandt: monsters that have no fangs or claws, but carry guns and knives, who will find this island and everyone on it.
With help from Lia to repair the boat, Brandt pledges to set sail and lure the assassins away. But the repair takes days. And as each day passes, Brandt finds himself more and more enchanted by the sweet and gentle woman who claims to be a benevolent vampyre. He doesn't believe he deserves love and happiness, but could they possibly lie in this enchanting girl's embrace?
Her past has imprisoned her on the island, and his has imprisoned his soul, and both their worst fears come back to threaten their newfound hope together. Days earlier, Brandt would’ve traded his life for a chance at redemption against his enemies, but now there is more at stake than he is willing to sacrifice. In a battle to save their lives, Brandt will also fight for his soul against a terrifying enemy that is more powerful than he could have ever imagined.
The first is my current version (#1), and the second is my new attempt (#2). Please let me know, if you were and agent or reader, which of these would get you more interested in my book. Or if NEITHER, than let me know why, and make a suggestion. Thanks!
---#1
Brandt has a death wish. He is tortured by horrific events in his recent past as an Army sergeant in Afghanistan, and is waging a rash personal war against an opium cartel that he holds responsible. In a near suicidal attempt to destroy the cartel leader's yacht, he is shipwrecked on a desolate island. The island’s only two residents are a beautiful and mysterious girl named Lia, and her frightening father. Strange indications point to them being vampires, but vampires aren’t real, are they? Brandt finds an old broken boat and sets to fixing it to get off the island. But as the days pass, he is more and more enchanted by sweet and gentle Lia who claims to be a benevolent vampyre. He doesn’t believe he deserves things like love and hope, yet they might lie in the embrace of this peculiar yet charming woman.
Her past has imprisoned her on the island, and his has imprisoned his soul, and both their worst fears come back to threaten their newfound hope together. Days earlier, Brandt would’ve traded his life for a chance at redemption against the cartel, but now there is more at stake than he is willing to sacrifice. In a battle to save their lives, Brandt will also fight for his soul against a terrifying enemy that is more powerful than he could have ever imagined.
---#2
Brandt wakes up in the ocean, floating on the wreckage of a boat he doesn't remember being on. With faltering consciousness, he doesn't know who saved him and brought him to a lonely island, but he is happy to be alive -- until his haunting memories return.
He finds that a stunning yet awkward girl named Lia has been caring for him, along with her mysterious and frightening father. They seem eccentric at first, until an astonishing truth surfaces: Lia has fangs. Real serpent-like fangs. She confesses to be a vampyre, and yet promises no harm to Brandt.
Panicking, Brandt tries to escape the island, but the only way is via a wrecked boat that isn't seaworthy. There is nowhere on the small island to hide. He must come to grips with his new neighbors, and find a way to accept their friendship if they are all to survive. Because there are real monsters hunting Brandt: monsters that have no fangs or claws, but carry guns and knives, who will find this island and everyone on it.
With help from Lia to repair the boat, Brandt pledges to set sail and lure the assassins away. But the repair takes days. And as each day passes, Brandt finds himself more and more enchanted by the sweet and gentle woman who claims to be a benevolent vampyre. He doesn't believe he deserves love and happiness, but could they possibly lie in this enchanting girl's embrace?
Her past has imprisoned her on the island, and his has imprisoned his soul, and both their worst fears come back to threaten their newfound hope together. Days earlier, Brandt would’ve traded his life for a chance at redemption against his enemies, but now there is more at stake than he is willing to sacrifice. In a battle to save their lives, Brandt will also fight for his soul against a terrifying enemy that is more powerful than he could have ever imagined.
