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shrimpsdad
03-18-2018, 03:36 PM
“How do you think that makes me feel?” he snapped.

The silence hung in the air. She wrote her observations in a small spiral notebook.

[The shinny purplish-pink anodized metal of the notebook's coiling caught Vince’s eye. The iridescent spiral rings were hypnotic changing color as the notebook moved in her hands. His thoughts floated to a distant time.]

The bracketed sentence is what I would like to write but it isn't pleasant to read. I think one sentence would be better. Probably overwritten.

This is what I came up with. It's not as descriptive.

The shiny purplish-pink metal coils caught Vince’s eye, hypnotizing him with their slight changes of color. His mind floated to a distant time.

Maryn
03-18-2018, 07:03 PM
My first thought is that the line "His thoughts floated to a distant time" tells us what's about to happen. We're smarter than we look. You could show us the hypnotic effect of the coils, then blam, we're in a distant time in Vince's POV, and we'll figure it out.

shrimpsdad
03-18-2018, 07:08 PM
Thanks maryn. I posted the whole scene in SYW in the Fiction sub. Maybe it will make more sense with more content.